Lucy Kelson Quotes in Two Weeks Notice (2002)

George Wade: Before you came into my life I could make all kinds of decisions, now I can't, I'm addicted, I have to know what you think!

[holds up cufflinks]

George Wade: What do you think?

Lucy Kelson: George, I think you are the most selfish human being on the planet.

George Wade: Well that's just silly. Have you met everybody on the planet?

Lucy Kelson: Goodbye George.

[she leaves]

Lucy Kelson: So do we have a... a deal?

George Wade: No. I want something else from you.

Lucy Kelson: [chortles incredulously] Oh, no. I am fully aware of your reputation and there's no way you're getting... that. No.

George Wade: Getting what?

Lucy Kelson: You know what. Sex. There's no way you're getting... that. No.

George Wade: Well, that would be nice. But what I really need is a new chief counsel.

Lucy Kelson: [beat] Honestly, I think I'd rather have the sex.

Lucy Kelson: George, I have an ulcer, I don't sleep well, mostly because you keep calling me in the middle of the night, and if you don't call me I dream that you're gonna call me. I think about you in the shower

[George gives her a look]

Lucy Kelson: ...not in a good way, but in an I'm-so-distracted-I-can't-remember-if-I-washed-my-hair kinda way - so I'll wash my hair twice! So I have a hole in my stomach, I'm running out of shampoo and today is the first day in my life that I did not give a thousand percent on the job. And I hate that feeling.

Meryl Brooks: Come on, I've known you since Brownies, and the only time I ever saw you cry was when Bush won.

Lucy Kelson: Which one?

Meryl Brooks: Well, both of them.

Lucy Kelson: I'll give you a twenty for your cab!

Man Getting into Cab: Keep your twenty and have dinner with me.

Lucy Kelson: You keep your dinner, I'll keep my twenty, and we'll call it a deal!

[gets into cab]

George Wade: If you have to go, just... go!

Lucy Kelson: What? What am I, five years old? This is my car!

George Wade: It's only a Volvo.

Lucy Kelson: People just don't *go* in Volvos.

George Wade: I'll buy you another Volvo!

Lucy Kelson: No! Besides, that is the only thing you'll ever remember about me... that I'm the woman who *went* on the front seat.

George Wade: Well, that would be hard to forget.

Paul the Attorney: [Lucy is in an interview for a job] Actually, our prosecuting attorney who quit yesterday called this morning and decided to come back.

Lucy Kelson: When did Mr. Wade call?

Paul the Attorney: Mr. Wade didn't call.

Lucy Kelson: WHEN?

Paul the Attorney: Maybe about an hour ago.

George Wade: I need your advice on one last thing, then I promise you will never hear from me again. You see, I've just delivered the first speech I've written entirely by myself since we met, and I think I may have blown it. I want to ask your thoughts. Okay? Then I will read it to you. I'd like to welcome everyone on this special day. Island Towers will bring glamour and prestige to the neighborhood and become part of Brooklyn's renaissance. And I'm very pleased and proud to be here. Unfortunately, there is one fly in the ointment. You see, I gave my word to someone that we wouldn't knock down this building behind me. And normally, and those of you who know me or were married to me can attest to this, my word wouldn't mean very much. So why does it this time? Well, partly because this building is an architectural gem and deserves to be landmarked and partly because people really do need a place to do senior's water ballet and CPR. Preferably not together. But mainly because this person, despite being unusually stubborn and unwilling to compromise and a very poor dresser, is... she's rather like the building she loves so much. A little rough around the edges but, when you look closely, absolutely beautiful. And the only one of her kind. And even though I've said cruel things and driven her away, she's become the voice in my head. And I can't seem to drown her out. And I don't want to drown her out. So, we are going to keep the community center. Because I gave my word to her and because we gave our word to the community. And I didn't sleep with June. That's not in the speech, that's just me letting you know that important fact. What do you think?

Lucy Kelson: I have to get back to work.

George Wade: Right. Right, yes. Sorry to disturb you. Congratulations, again, Polly.

[leaves]

Lucy Kelson: Aside from the split infinitive that was somewhere in the middle, that speech was actually quite perfect, wasn't it?

Polly St. Clair: Yeah. I don't know what the hell you're still doing sitting here. And I don't even like him.

Lucy Kelson: [runs after George]

Lucy Kelson: [talking on the phone with a girl George met at the bar] The man you're dancing with is deeply troubled. You're much too young to be trading yourself like a stock on the Nasdaq to a man who will not be remembering your name... or his in the morning, is still married, and recently developed a very suspicious rash. Now go home, finish high school and reach your potential!

Lucy Kelson: What did I tell you that defines an emergency?

George Wade: A large meteoroid, severe blood loss and uh... what was the other thing?

Lucy Kelson: Death! And you're not dead!

Lucy Kelson: Oh, well, I can swing a racket.

George Wade: Yes I know, at my head, I've experienced it.

Lucy Kelson: George, I think you're the most selfish human being on the planet.

George Wade: That is silly. Have you met everyone in our planet?

George Wade: [showing up late to his divorce hearing] Sorry everyone. Did I miss the blessed event?

Lucy Kelson: [under her breath] Check with me before you talk.

Lucy Kelson: [during divorce proceedings] You're referring to the alleged infidelity?

Lauren Wade: *Alleged?* He was having sex with her in our *bed*.

George Wade: Well, I knew how worried you were about getting anything on that sofa.

Lucy Kelson: You called everyone but Slurpee Heaven.

George Wade: That is not true. I did call Slurpee Heaven. They didn't want you. Heard you had attitude. Said you weren't "Slurpee" material.

Lucy Kelson: Please don't tell me you called me out of a wedding to pick out a suit.

Meryl Brooks: You should have gone with George.

Lucy Kelson: He asked June.

Meryl Brooks: He asked you too!

Lucy Kelson: He asked me too? How many women does a man need to take to dinner? Maybe in Utah.

George Wade: Divorce always gives me an appetite. Kabob?

Lucy Kelson: No thanks. I've never really warmed to the idea of a *flesh* popsicle.

[last lines]

Lucy Kelson: [on the phone] Hi, Mr. Wong, it's Lucy Kelson. I need one No. 13, two No. 7's...

George Wade: [walking back and forth] I can't believe how small this apartment is, it's actually shocking!

Lucy Kelson: I need three No. 8's, no garlic...

George Wade: It's a very good thing your parents went to the movies, we'd never have squeezed in!

Lucy Kelson: I need one No. 7 and...

George Wade: You realize, I can actually move from one side of this apartment to the other in 6 seconds. Watch this,

[steps off]

George Wade: one...

Lucy Kelson: ...and a No. 11, please. No, actually, this is for two.

[after Norman read his "Farewell Poem"]

Lucy Kelson: That was really a nice speech you just made, and I'm really going to miss everyone here at Wade. Um... there are a million memories I wouldn't trade. And if you're ever accused of murder you can find me at Legal Aid.

[Lucy laughs, but everyone stares at her]

Lucy Kelson: Oh good, while you're at it, be sure to massage his cloven hoof.

George Wade: Girls, I'm starting to feel a pain in my ass...