Lucy Quotes in Lucy (2014)

Lucy: Ignorance brings chaos, not knowledge.

Lucy: Humans consider themselves unique so they've rooted there whole theory of existence on their uniqueness. One is their unit of measure, but it's not. All social systems we've put into place are a mere sketch. One plus one equals two. That's all we've learned, but one plus one has never equaled two. There are, in fact, no numbers and no letters. We've codified our existence to bring it down to human size to make it comprehensible. We've created a scale so that we can forget its unfathomable scale.

Pierre Del Rio: [During the high-speed car ride through Paris with Lucy driving] I'd rather be late than dead.

Lucy: We never really die.

[last lines]

Lucy: [narrating] Life was given to us a billion years ago. Now you know what to do with it.

[first lines]

Lucy: [narrating] Life was given to us a billion years ago. What have we done with it?

Lucy: Time is the only true unit of measure. It gives proof to the existence of matter. Without time, we don't exist.

Lucy: We've codified our existence to bring it down to human size, to make it comprehensible, we've created a scale so we can forget its unfathomable scale.

Lucy: Time gives legitimacy to its existence. Time is the only true unit of measure.

Lucy: [Seated on the jet about to land in Paris, toasting herself with a glass of champagne and before she begins to disintegrate] To knowledge.

Lucy: [suddenly pinning Jang's hands to the chair with knives] Learning is always a painful process. Like when you're little, and your bones are growing, and you ache all over.

Pierre Del Rio: [threading the car through rush hour traffic] Do you always drive like that?

Lucy: I've never driven before.

Vitruvius: We are entering your mind...

Emmet: What?

Vitruvius: To prove that you have the unlocked potential to be a Master Builder.

[Vitruvius and Wyldstyle make chanting noises around Emmet, followed by a big flash of light]

Emmet: [floating in space] Whoa, are we inside my brain right now? It's big. I must be smart.

Vitruvius: I'm not hearing a whole lot of activity in here.

Lucy: I don't think he's ever had an original thought... in his life.

Emmet: [chuckles] That's not true. For instance, one time I wanted a bunch of my friends over to watch TV, not unlike this TV that just showed up magically. And not everybody can fit on my one couch, and I thought to myself, well, what if there's such a thing as a bunkbed but as a couch? Introducing the double decker couch! So everyone could watch TV together and be buddies!

Lucy: That's literally the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Vitruvius: Please, Wyldstyle, let me handle this. That idea is just the worst.

Lucy: [about Batman's song] That's real music, Emmet. It's dark and brooding.

Emmet: Hey, I can be dark and brooding too - Guys, look, a rainbow!

Emmet: Hey, uh, listen. Do you think you can explain to me why I'm dressed like this? And what those big words in the sky were all about? And, like, where we are... in time?

Lucy: Your home, Bricksburgh, is one of many realms in the universe. There's also this one, Pirates Cove, Knights Club, Vikings Landing, Clown Town, and a bunch of others we don't even mention. Lord Business, or as you think you know him, President Business, stole the Kragl, the most powerful object in the universe...

[in slow dreamy voice]

Lucy: ... blah, blah, blah. Proper name. Place name. Backstory stuff...

Emmet: Mmm-hmmm

Lucy: [in normal voice] ... is the Special. The Special...

[in slow dreamy voice]

Lucy: ... I'm so pretty. I like you. But I'm angry with you for some reason...

Emmet: Mmm-hmmm

Lucy: [in normal voice] ... put the Piece of Resistance onto the Kragl and disarm it forever!

Emmet: Great. I think I got it. But just in case... tell me the whole thing again, I wasn't listening.

Lucy: [President Business demands the Piece de Resistance which Emmet has] We'd rather he die than give it to you.

Emmet: I... would not rather he died.

Lucy: Today will not be known as Taco Tuesday. It will be known as freedom Friday, but still on a Tuesday!

Benny: [suddenly appears] Hey, I'm Ben! But you can call me Benny! And I can build a spaceship. Watch this.

[starts building a spaceship]

Benny: Spaceship! Spaceship! Spaceship! Spaceship! Spaceship!

Lucy: No! You can't. The skies are surrounded.

Benny: That's okay, I didn't really wanna build a spaceship. Anyway, that's cool.

[kicks his half built spaceship and it falls apart]

Emmet: I'm just gonna come right out, I have no idea what's going on or what this place is at all.

Unikitty: Hi! I am Princess Unikitty, and I welcome you all to Cloud Cuckoo Land!

Emmet: So there are no signs on anything. How does anyone know what not to do?

Unikitty: Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules: There's no government, no baby sitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy mustaches, and no negativity of any kind.

Lucy: You just said the word "no" like a thousand times.

Unikitty: And there's also no consistency.

Batman: [the clown and the lizard man are dancing around him] I hate this place.

Unikitty: Any idea is a good idea except the non-happy ones. Those we push down deep inside where you'll never, ever, ever, EVER find them!

Lucy: [to Emmet] Come with me if you want to not die.

[after Batman flies in and saves them]

Batman: Relax, everybody, I'm here.

Emmet: Batman!

[to Lucy]

Batman: What's up, babe?

Lucy: Babe!

Emmet: What?

Lucy: Oh, sorry.

[to Batman]

Lucy: Batman, this is Emmet.

[to Emmet]

Lucy: Emmet, this is my boyfriend. Batman.

Batman: I'm Batman.

Emmet: That's your boyfriend?

[Batman swerves his aircraft to avoid getting hit by Bad Cop as he chases after them]

Emmet: Batman, huh? Where did you guys meet?

Lucy: It's actually a funny story. Right, Bat...?

[she turns to see Batman has disappeared]

Bad Cop: There he is!

Batman: Police to meet you, Bad Cop.

[Bad Cop sees Batman has landed on his vehicle]

Bad Cop: Batman! The pleasure is all mine!

[Bad Cop punches Batman, then they start fighting on top of Bad Cop's vehicle]

Batman: Guess what, you big dumb baby? Your car is a baby carriage.

[Batman transforms Bad Cop's vehicle into a baby carriage and it starts plummeting to the ground]

Lucy: Dad? Just try... try not to make an even bigger mess of things.

John McClane: [while driving on the cars and trucks, phone rings] Oh, for the love of...

[picks up a phone]

John McClane: Hi, honey.

Lucy: Dad? Can you hear me? How is Moscow?

John McClane: Can I call you back?

Lucy: Wait, don't, don't...

John McClane: [woman screams] Sorry, ma'am!

[a blaring car horn]

John McClane: Sorry!

Alik: [laughs out loud at Jack] Did you see this guy?

Lucy: Dad, can you hear me? Dad, are you still there? Dad?

Alik: Oh, man!

John McClane: [bumps against Alik's military vehicle] Knock, knock.

[bumps again]

John McClane: [to Lucy] You still there?

Lucy: Yeah, yeah, I'm here. So, how is Jack? Have you seen him?

John McClane: Uh, yep, looking right at him.

Lucy: Is he okay?

John McClane: I haven't really caught up with him yet, but he looks good. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Lucy: What's going on there?

John McClane: Luce, can I call you right back?

Lucy: Don't hang up...

Lucy: You had him every night in your dreams and you never even shared!

Lucy: It *is* better than chocolate.

Lucy: I was named after the "Peanuts" character.

[Mary escapes from the vampiric Lucy and enters an eerie velvet hallway only to quickly encounter Valerie, also a vampire. Valerie screeches at a frightened Mary, who corners her]

Valerie Sharp: [demonic] So what makes you the one? What do you have that we don't have?

Solina: [distorted] Oh, I know.

[Solina crawls on the wall from the left]

Solina: I know your secret. Oh, yes.

Mary: [sobs] No.

Solina: Yeah, I can still taste it on your daddy's blood.

Valerie Sharp: Oh, yes. The essence.

[Solina hisses]

Valerie Sharp: What he took from Dracula, he passed on to you.

Solina: Born with his blood, but not like the rest of us.

Lucy: [appears from the right;sultry] Daddy's little prodigal.

Valerie Sharp: Sorry about your old man. We sucked him dry.

[first lines]

Vincent: [checking his pupils] Paul? Paul, can you hear me? Paul? Okay, turn the implant on.

computer: Brain implant activated.

Vincent: Hello. Do you know your name?

Paul Dawson: [no]

Vincent: Do you know what happened?

Paul Dawson: [no]

Lucy: You're a soldier. Your name is Paul Dawson. You were shot in the head and your brain in damaged. We're going to test how well Vincent's implant has repaired that damage.

Paul Dawson: I want my mum.

Lucy: I didn't even want to be a criminal. I wanted to be a pirate.

Amy: [laughs] Pirates are criminals.

Lucy: Oh. Whoops.

Lucy: [on an awkward first date] So, you're an assassin.

Ninotchka: Da.

Lucy: How's that work?

Ninotchka: It's mostly freelance.

[Amy fails to unhook Lucy's bra properly during their make-out session]

Lucy: Oww! Did you just snap my bra?

Amy: Er... no.

Lucy: Yeah, you did. That hasn't happened to me since sixth grade.

Amy: I was trying to be smooth.

Lucy: Look, let's just pretend that we're in Barcelona, and you're in art school, and I'm renting sailboats to tourists, and no one's a super hero and no one's a villain, we're just us.

[Amy looks at her smitten, and kisses her]

Lucy, Amy: [Simultaneously] Oh god, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Amy: Oh my god...

Lucy: Shit.

Amy: You're Lucy Diamond.

Lucy: You're a D.E.B.

Amy: You have the right to remain silent...

Lucy: You're reading me my rights?

Amy: Anything you say can and will be used against you.

[Lucy and Amy look at each other with anticipation. Amy starts to look uneasy. Lucy gives Amy a look like she's just realized how cute Amy is, then Amy talks]

Amy: Okay here's the thing.

Lucy: Yeah?

Amy: I am really not up for dying today.

Lucy: Me neither.

Amy: So, I was thinking that uh, why don't you put your gun down.

Lucy: Why don't you put your gun down?

Amy: You're the criminal and I'm the cop, so I think I'm technically more trustworthy.

Lucy: So far I was totally minding my own business on some stupid blind date when you guys decided to rain shit all over me.

Amy: Wait. You were on a blind date?

Lucy: Whatever.

Amy: With that Russian girl?

Lucy: What?

Amy: Nothing. I just didn't know you were a...

Lucy: Why would you know?

Amy: Wow that really torpedoes my thesis.

Scud: Oh my God! What a disaster! I am so sorry! Leave it up to the D.E.B.S... your in a town a week and their all over you, grabbing...

[Lucy is sitting quiet with a little smile on her face]

Scud: What?

Lucy: I met someone.

Scud: [Slamming on brakes] I knew it! I mean the thing about the dance was a little wierd, but i had a feeling that you and Ninotchka...

Lucy: No, no, no, no, no Scud. Ninotchka was a train wreck thank you.

Scud: [Puzzled] I'm not following.

Lucy: Okay, but you have to promise that you're not going to freak out.

Scud: Freak Out? Why would I freak out...

Lucy: Well, ya know sometimes you...

Scud: [Freaking out] OH MY GOD WHO IS IT?

Lucy: What do you know about an Amy Bradshaw?

Scud: Amy Bradshaw? The girl from the smuggling op?

Lucy: No.

Scud: Oh my god! Amy Bradshaw? Blonde hair? Plaid skirt? She's a D.E.B.!

Lucy: So?

Scud: Okay, not only is she a D.E.B., She's THE D.E.B.! She's the perfect score!

Scud: [Lucy's gang is robbing a bank. Scud goes to inform her of the situation] D.E.B.S. en route - two minutes.

Lucy: [primping self in mirror] Do I look okay?

Scud: [rolling eyes] This is retarded.

Lucy: Well, their poster child doesn't know it yet, but she's into me.

Lucy: [feigning pain] I just... I'm feeling really ill. It's my stomach. I, um, I think I have food poisoning.

Ninotchka: Are you blowing me?

Lucy: What?

Ninotchka: Off. Are you blowing me off?

Lucy: [while sitting on the couch next to Scud] Scud, I don't know how this happened to me but

[pause]

Lucy: being bad doesn't feel good anymore.

Scud: Do you love her?

Lucy: [sincerely nods]

Scud: You're willing to give up all this, the life of crime, the whole nine yards?

Lucy: Whatever it takes.

Scud: Just promise me you'll be open.

Lucy: Open to what?

Scud: Open to love.

Scud: You were dumped.

Lucy: I was not dumped!

Scud: Oh, you were dumped hard, and that sucks, but you took your time off in Antarctica or whatever.

Lucy: Reykjavik. It's in Iceland.

Lucy: Australia's toast.

Scud: What's your beef with Australia?

Lucy: I don't like their attitude!

Lucy: I guess I'll see you around... 'same bat time' or whatever.

Lucy: Come with me. Come on, what do you have to lose?

Amy: Everything.

Max: If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Lucy: [smiles] Deal.

Scud: All right, then. We're going in.

Lucy: What?

Scud: We gots to get her back.

Lucy: Okay, first of all, you are gonna have to swear to me that you are *not* gonna freak out about this.

Scud: Freak out about what? Why would I freak out?

Lucy: Well, you know, sometimes you can...

Scud: [freaking out] Oh, my God, Who is it?

Lucy: Wesley, I'm gonna slap the black off you.

Lucy: [calmly] Don't worry about me, Gru! I'll be fine. I have survived lots worse than this...

[frantically]

Lucy: Okay, that's not entirely true, I'm actually kind of freaking out up here!

Gru: Don't worry, I will get you out of this!

[They both freeze when they see Pollito approach the remote control. They both gasp. Pollito narrows his eyes, then pecks the remote button]

Gru: [morosely] I *really* hate that chicken.

[the rocket launches]

Lucy: Mr Gru?

Gru: [stammering] Wha... I didn't... Wha... yes?

Lucy: [takes off her sunglasses] Hi. Agent Lucy Wilde of the AVL.

[shows her AVL credentials; noticing she shows her ID-card upside-down]

Lucy: Oops.

[giggles, then clears her throat]

Lucy: [seriously] Sorry. You're gonna have to come with me.

Gru: Oh, sorry, I...

[takes his freeze ray out of his polo and fires it]

Gru: Freeze Ray!

[At the same moment, Lucy pulls out a retractable flamethrower, blocking the ray of ice]

Lucy: [puts her flamethrower back in and gently pulls a lipstick-like weapon out of her purse] You know, you really should announce your weapons *after* you fire them, Mr. Gru. For example...

[fires the weapon at Gru, making him drop his freeze ray and flail though some weird movements before finally passing out]

Lucy: [sing-song voice] Lipstick taser!

Lucy: [to herself] I choose Gru.

[to the stewardess]

Lucy: I choose Gru!

[runs to the plane's emergency hatch and opens it]

Lucy: Thank you, Gru-stewardess!

Flight Attendant: You're welcome!

[Lucy jumps out of the plane and presses the clasp of her purse, which turns into a hang glider, parasailing off in search of Gru]

Lucy: What is wrong with that chicken? Hey, that pollo es loco.

Lucy: [Tied to a rocket] Oh, hey, Gru! Turns out you were right about the whole El Macho thing, huh?

[mildly]

Lucy: Yay.

Lucy: I wasn't expecting that. Or was I?

[after meeting Margo, Edith, and Agnes]

Gru: Ha-ha... kids, they're funny.

Lucy: Those girls totally adore you! I bet you're a fun dad.

Gru: Huh... I am pretty fun.

Lucy: [about being relocated to Australia] I've even been working on my accent. Wallaby. Didgeridoo. Hugh Jackman.

[Raoul is imagining himself in court]

Lucy: Those two men in the dock they gave me the LSD and they took me to the hotel. I don't know what they done to me, but I remember it was horrible.

[Duke Groans]

Judge: They gave you what?

Lucy: L.S.D.

Judge: Castration! Double castration!

Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop?

Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back.

Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in.

Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before.

Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily.

Susan: [Lucy is cleaning doorknob] What are you doing?

Lucy: Willy told me he wanted his knob polished.

Susan: Dumbass.

Lucy: Holy shit, a talking beaver!

Lucy: [Reading a hidden message on a painting] "So lame the hair of Tom"

[Looks toward a painting a Tom Hanks with his long hair in "The Da Vinci Code"]

Lucy: Wait. "Lame." "Lame" is a - "Lame" is a seven-letter word.

Lucy: I'm sorry, was the fight over?

Peter: We have something the White Bitch doesn't.

Lucy: Perky breasts?

Susan: Welcome! My name is Harry Potter!

Lucy: Aren't you a little old to be still a student here?

Susan: Nonsense. I am but 14.

Peter: We may not have the numbers on our side or the weapons she possesses, but we have something far more powerful.

Lucy: Perky breasts?

Lucy: Towser, what's going on? What is it? What's all the gossip?

Towser: 'Taint no gossip, Lucy. It be all the way from London.

Lucy: You don't say!

Towser: Fifteen puppies stolen!

Lucy: There's no puppies around here, not since Nellie's last litter and they all are grown.

Towser: Well, then we'd best send the word along. It be up to me to reach the Colonel! He be the only one in barking range.

Lucy: You'll never reach him at this hour.

Towser: Well I can try! I'll bark all night if I have to.

Lucy: Mom, is it Christmas yet?

Julia: No, darling. Not till morning.

Lucy: Is it morning yet?

Lucy: Mom, when can we have rice pudding again?

Julia: As soon as the check comes from your father.

Bea: Sure, father Christmas!

Lucy: B, when you grow up would you like to be a shepherd?

Bea: No, I don't think so.

Lucy: [as she interupts Bilal and Julia's love making] Are you pleased to see me?

Julia: [gasps] Hello darling, where did you spring from?

Lucy: Hah! In your face! In your face! Face of a supermodel. Brain of a super noodle.

Chelsea: Lucy! Do you really think I look like a supermodel?

Lucy: [Chelsea's tapping the brick wall] Chelsea, what are you doing?

Chelsea: Looking for a secret door. Places like this always have a secret door.

[everyone rolls their eyes]

Lucy: Chelsea, you truly are...

Chelsea: [a secret door opens] I truly am a what? Smarter than your average, brainless slapper?

Lucy: [in disbelief] Yeah, smarter that your average, brainless slapper.

Chelsea: You better believe it.

Chelsea: And, therefore, Lucy will always be a virgin.

Lucy: What? As opposed to a brainless slapper, you mean. Seriously, she'd snog a melon if you drew a mouth on it.

Bella: That's not fair! It was a grapefruit, actually, and it was years ago.

Chelsea: Bella! That was a secret.

Annabelle Fritton: Treasure Hunter, Come for naught, It seems your dreams have fallen short.

Chelsea: For pirate though I may have been, I ventured for a change of scene.

Chelsea: Resolving to change my ways, From sailing seas to mounting plays.

Lucy: Writing many in this room, With Shakespeare as my on-De-ploom.

Lucy: In you of gold I humbly pray, You'll kindly take my final play.

Annabelle Fritton: Anound did you find it hard, to credit that I was the bard.

Annabelle Fritton: The timely truth may now unfold, That all the while I was... a girl.

Lucy: [the girls are in the headmasters' office in the boys' school; and they spot a gold ring hanging with the headmasters' portrait] Look what he's wearing!

Chelsea: Ah, so now, *you're* the Style Queen, are you?

Saffy: Yeah, we're looking for a ring, not fashion tips.

Lucy: But he's *wearing* a ring! Well, an earring, anyway.

Chelsea, Saffy, Bella: [in unison] Yeah. In a painting.

[the Posh Totties put their fingers in and sizzle their fingers together]

Lucy: [the kids are playing Monopoly, and it's Lucy's turn] Oh, no! Not on Pacific! With hotels?

Schroeder: Pay me twelve hundred and seventy-five dollars, please.

Lucy: Schroeder, Schroeder, how about a beep on the nose?

Schroeder: A what?

Lucy: [poking him on the nose] BEEP. A beep on the nose is a sign of great affection.

Schroeder: I'd rather have the twelve hundred and seventy-five dollars, please. PAY UP!

[last lines]

Linus: [outraged by a note handed out by Snoopy] Look at this, Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown: [reading it] "To Linus Van Pelt: I expect my croquet set and chess set returned forthwith, in good order, and within five days, or the matter will be turned over to my attorney."

Schroeder: [outraged over his own note from Snoopy] And mine says... he wants the record collection back!

Charlie Brown: [reading his own letter] And mine says... that since he gave me nothing, I owe him nothing!

[glares at Snoopy]

Lucy: That does it, Charlie Brown! He's your dog, and you're welcome to him!

[everyone walks out on Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and Woodstock; Charlie, annoyed at Snoopy, follows suit]

Violet, Pig-Pen, Schroeder, Sally: Bon voyage, Charlie Brown!

Lucy: And don't come back!

[At around 1hour Saroo goes into the kitchen to get a beer.On the way back he sees some Jalebis, which is a fried Indian desert, on the counter in a plate.A memory takes him back to his childhood with his older brother Guddu. He smells it and takes a bite slowly as his girl friend Lucy comes beside him]

Lucy: Saroooo

[then with concern]

Lucy: You OK?

[a male dinner guest comes into the kitchen also and places his hand on Saroo's back]

Male Dinner Guest: Saroo?

Saroo Brierley: I'm not from Calcutta... I'm lost.

Lucy: Did she break your heart?

Colin Clark: A little.

Lucy: Good, it needed breaking.

Lucy: I can't imagine being older than 22. I've no experience at it. I know it's not 1926. I just need it to be.

Cher: Lucy, the fire department called again. They said we need to clear out that bush. You said you'd get Jose to do it.

Lucy: He your gardener, I don't know why you no tell him.

Cher: Lucy, you know I don't speak Mexican.

Lucy: I NOT A MEXICAN.

Lucy: [storms off]

Cher: Great, what was that all about?

Josh: Lucy's from El Salvador.

Cher: So?

Josh: So, it's an entirely different country.

Cher: What does that matter?

Josh: You get mad if anyone thinks you live below Sunset.

Jenna: Wait, listen to me. I'm 13!

Lucy: Jenna, if you're gonna start lying about your age, I'd go with 27.

Lucy: OK, you can wipe the doe-eyed-Bambi-watching-her-mother-get-shot-and-strapped-to-the-back-of-a-van look from your face.

Lucy: Okay, Jenna, repeat after me: I am Jenna Rink, big time magazine editor.

Jenna: I am?

Lucy: Say it.

Jenna: I am Jenna Rink big time magazine editor.

Lucy: I'm a tough bitch.

[Jenna looks away, embarrassed to say it]

Lucy: Say it!

Jenna: I am a tough

[whispers]

Jenna: bitch.

Lucy: I'm gonna walk into this office and not let anyone know I'm hung over.

Jenna: But that's just it. I'm not hung over-

[Lucy gives her pointed look]

Jenna: [sighs] I'm gonna walk into this office and not let anyone know I'm hung over.

Jenna: I saw his thingy!

Lucy: [sarcastically] Oh, God, not his thingy.

Lucy: Can you get in the car?

Jenna: I can't get in the car, I don't get in the car with strangers.

Lucy: Please get in the car, we're gonna be late.

Jenna: I can't get in the car, I don't know you.

Lucy: Just get in the car.

Jenna: I don't get in the car with strangers!

Lucy: You're being a little paranoid.

Lucy: [regarding security breaches at the company] Jenna fired Charlotte yesterday.

Richard: Did you? Good. I guarantee she had friends at Sparkle. She was always taking notes.

Lucy: She was a secretary.

Richard: Yeah, whatever.

Jenna: Are you really my best friend?

Lucy: [disbelief] You're pregnant.

Jenna: [horrified] Oh God, no!

Lucy: Fuck you, Chuck! You're very talented but fuck you!

Lucy: So then when I was, like, 11 I was in therapy because I was, like, obsessively biting my hair and then three months in my therapist died. I know! So that was, like, kind of a bummer. But yeah, that's why I hate planes.

Lucy: Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time I'm taking that thing away.

Lucy: That was such a fail on my part.

Henry: It's gonna be alright, Luce.

Lucy: [to Henry] Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.

Marlin: Sweetie, you're sorta dating him.

Lucy: [Lucy looks at Henry]

Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.

Henry: Appreciate your time. Not everybody would have stopped like you. You're real sweet.

Lucy: Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Henry: Okay.

Lucy: Okay.

[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]

Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!

Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...

Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.

Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!

[repeated line]

Lucy: Nothing beats a first kiss.

Young Woman: So, you must be Lucy's friend. The one who made the tape.

Lucy: I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?

Henry: Yes, ma'am.

Stacy: So every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it... then you get her to fall in love with you again?

Henry: Yes, ma'am.

Stacy: [softly, almost beneath her breath] Gosh!

[a longing sigh, then back slaps her husband's chest right over his heart]

Stacy: You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.

Jennifer: [everyone breaks out in laughter] You're in trouble!

[even more laughter]

Jennifer: I gotta go tinkle.

[Henry is pretending to cry to get Lucy's attention]

Lucy: I wonder what's the matter with him.

Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.

Lucy: Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that!

Henry: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.

Lucy: Are you okay?

Henry: Yes.

Lucy: Okay, I'll be right back. Hey! Come here!

Henry: No, no, no. I think he's had enough. I'm sorry.

Ula: My eye!

Henry: You got him!

Lucy: Not good enough.

Ula: Oh, Kamehameha!

Henry: He learned his lesson!

Dr. Keats: And now ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to our most distinguished clinical subject: Tom

Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.

Henry: Henry.

Marlin: Marlin.

Doug: Doug.

Lucy: Lucy.

Ten Second Tom: Hi. Oh, those are cool flip flops. Where did you get them?

Doug: You like those? It's interesting story. I was over on the North Shore the other day...

Ten Second Tom: Hi, I'm Tom.

Henry: Henry.

Ten Second Tom: Hi.

Marlin: Marlin.

Lucy: What are you doing?

Henry: Nothing, I was just getting some lint off for you...

Lucy: You were going for a feelski!

Henry: All right, I'm sorry... But this is like the twenty third time we've made out already and... they're getting blue!

Lucy: Did Alicia marry that guy?

Marlin: yea.

Henry: Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaiian contest?

Doug: I didn't know there wath gonna be a urine tethst.

Lucy: [to Henry] Did we have sex?

[Marlin and Doug look at Henry]

Henry: No, we didn't. Just so everyone knows

[Marlin and Doug turn away]

Henry: We want to!

[Marlin and Doug look again]

Henry: Just kidding.

Lucy: [to Henry] Can I have one last first kiss?

Henry: Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but I notice we were both eating alone and I thought perhaps I could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi for your waffle house?

Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.

Henry: You're making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?

Lucy: No. I'm not.

Henry: What's his name then?

Lucy: Ringo.

Henry: Is his last name, Starr?

Lucy: No. McCartney.

Henry: [on First Date #1] You know, why don't you try this? It's a kind of hinge.

Lucy: Now, why didn't I think of that?

Henry: You're too close to the object. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Lucy: You're right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.

Henry: Fresh eye never hurts.

Lucy: I'm Lucy.

Henry: Yes. I'm Henry Roth. Nice to meet you.

Lucy: Nice to meet you.

Henry: [to Penguin] Okay, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute. Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.

Lucy: Oh, shit.

Henry: Here she comes. Smile. Where is she? Oh, my God! Oh no! Okay that didn't work. Shit your pants? So did I!

Dr. Keats: It could be worse.

Lucy: Yeah? How?

Dr. Keats: I think you should meet ten second Tom.

Henry: Do you have any idea who I am?

Lucy: No.

Henry: No. That sucks.

Lucy: [to Doug and Marlin] I can't believe it... Bruce Willis is a ghost!

Lucy: I don't know who you are, Henry... but I dream about you almost every night.

[apprehensive pause]

Lucy: Why?

Henry: What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?

Lucy: I would say that that makes a lot of sense.

Henry: You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours.

Lucy: [barely able to contain herself, she reaches out and shakes his hand] Henry. It's nice to meet you.

Henry: Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.

Ten Second Tom: [just as they are about to kiss] Hi, I'm Tom!

[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]

Henry: Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.

Lucy: Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?

Henry: Uh, no, I'm from this country.

Henry: Were you gonna eat that?

Henry: Jocko, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Jocko.

Lucy: Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you. He is awesome! He is so smart.

Henry: Check this out. Jocko, what does the teapot do when the water's ready? Very good.

Lucy: Hey, can I ask him a question?

Henry: Go ahead.

Lucy: Jocko, do you think that Henry and I are ready to take our relationship to the next level? You sure about that? And do you think that I should bring him into the other room and take advantage of him? I saw that hand gesture. And I'm glad you did it.

Henry: Really?

Lucy: Stalker!

Henry: No, no, no. Don't you remember me a little?

Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch!

Lucy: Yeah, keep running!

[last lines]

Henry: Grandpa's here.

Lucy: Hi dad.

Henry: Okay, well, I had a great time.

Lucy: Me too.

Henry: Okay.

Lucy: Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time? Because I teach art class at ten.

Henry: Oh, really?

Lucy: Yeah.

Henry: I wish I could make it, but, yes, I will be there.

Lucy: Take care.

Henry: Okay.

Lucy: One for the road. It is fishy.

Henry: Got you good. Aloha.

Lucy: Aloha.

Henry: See you tomorrow. Oh, my God.

Lucy: Oh, my goodness.

Henry: Shit. I had a bee on me.

Lucy: Alright.

Henry: It was a big one.

Old Hawaiian Man: [talks in Hawaiian] Which means "look at those two shit heads".

Henry: I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking of you the whole time.

Lucy: Okay, pervert. I think that you should leave.

Henry: What? I was just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday

Lucy: Yesterday? I've never even met you.

Lucy, Doug: [sings] Happy birthday to you.

Lucy: [spoken] And you don't look a day over twenty five.

Marlin: Yeah, right. And Doug's muscles aren't pharmaceutically enhanced.

Doug: What are you talking about? I use a herb supplement that can be purchased at any health food store. Check this out. Check out these glutes. Rock hard, baby. Pretty sweet, huh.

Marlin: Stop it! You're gonna make me throw up on the cake.

Lucy: [to Henry] I just want to eat you up tomorrow and the next day.

Henry: Hi. Sorry for the delay. Should be a few minutes.

Lucy: No problem. No worries.

Henry: Where are you coming form? Breakfast?

Lucy: Yeah.

Henry: How was it?

Lucy: I had waffles. They were delicious.

Henry: I like making little houses out of waffles.

Lucy: You do?

Henry: That's my thing. What's your name?

Lucy: Lucy.

Henry: Hi, I'm Henry.

Henry: I'll see ya around.

Lucy: Okay.

[puzzled pause]

Lucy: Really? That's it?

Henry: That's what?

Lucy: All that flirting and phony "I can't read" stuff, and then you're not gonna ask me out or for my phone number?

Henry: I can't read.

Lucy: Oh, shut up. That was one of the goofiest things I've ever seen in my life, but I thought, "Hey, if this guy is so desperate to meet me, he might be worth talking to." But then I get stiffed.

Henry: No, no, no, this is what happened. I...

Lucy: Mahalo for the ego boost.

[drives off leaving Henry sputtering]

Lucy: [to Marlin] It's a video tape.

Lucy: [to Henry] I've never even met you.

Lucy: [Marlin and Doug are watching the Vikings play the Lions] What's the score?

Marlin: Vikings have it at the two yard line.

Lucy: Maybe the Vikings will win for your birthday, and I'll bet Culpepper runs it in.

Doug: I'll bet he fakes the handoff to Williams and throws it Kleinsasser in the end zone. Loser does the dishes?

Lucy: You're on.

[Lucy and Doug handshake on it. Doug's prediction comes true]

Lucy: Darn. Maybe you should be a coach, Doug.

Marlin: [Throwing a shoe at Doug] Moron.

Simon Cooper: She's also really funny.

Lucy: In what way?

Simon Cooper: Well, you know when something's funny, and people get it?

Lucy: Yes...

Simon Cooper: So in that way. And also in a comedy way.

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to...

Lucy: I object.

Saul: Oh, geez.

Priest: I didn't get to that part yet.

Jack: I would have to object too.

Priest: What about you?

Peter: I'm thinking!

Lucy: I'm in love with your son.

Ox Callahan: I know.

Lucy: Not that one.

[points to Peter]

Lucy: That one.

[points to Jack]

Lucy: [to Jack] Okay, um. What do you mean by the leaning thing? You mean because he gave me flowers?

Jack: And then you *leaned*

Lucy: And then I leaned.

Jack: Yeah.

Lucy: Okay, how did I lean when I leaned?

Jack: It was a lot different from hugging. Hugging's very different. Hugging that involves arms and hands; and leaning is whole bodies moving in like this

[leans toward her suggestively]

Jack: . Leaning involves *wanting*... and *accepting*. *Leaning*...

Joe Jr.: Hey Luce! Is this guy bothering you?

Lucy: [Laughs] No, no.

Joe Jr.: Are you sure? Because it looks like he's *leaning.*

Jack: I guess I don't remember meeting you.

Lucy: Well, that's probably because we've never met.

Jack: That could have something to do with it.

Jack: [Lucy's sitting in the booth at the station taking tokens for the train. Suddenly someone drops a ring, making her look up] Lucy? I have to ask you a question.

Elsie: Get down on one knee, it's more romantic.

Saul: Elsie, if he's proposing let him do it!

Elsie: I *am* letting him do it.

Jack: Can I come in there please?

Lucy: I can't. Not without a token.

Jack: [he hands one in and goes into the booth] Marry me.

Lucy: Yeah. I love you.

Jack: I love you back.

Lucy: Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?

Lucy: If you fit into my pants I will kill myself.

[referring to her father]

Lucy: He would get these far-off looks in his eyes and he would say 'Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan'. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life.

Jerry: Lucy?

Lucy: Yeah?

Jerry: They have *doctors* for this sort of thing!

[last lines]

Lucy: Peter once asked me when I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."

Lucy: Oh! I don't want any flowers from you, I am not wearing black underwear, and I definitely do not want to move in with you, Joe -

[it's Jack, not Joe Jr]

Lucy: Jack.

Jack: Well, I don't have any flowers, I wouldn't mind seeing the black underwear, but under the circumstances, I don't think we should move in together.

Lucy: I thought you were Joe Jr.

Jack: [sarcastically] I get that a lot.

Lucy: [laughs] Do you wanna come in?

Jack: Yeah.

Lucy: Yeah?

Jack: Yeah. Wow. So that's... Wow; the wedding dress, huh?

Lucy: Hmm?

Jack: The wedding dress. It works good as a tie too.

Lucy: Ow. Yeah.

Jack: I just wanted to give you this before all the presents started to pile up. I was droppin' off some furniture in Little Italy. I look in a window, and...

Lucy: [it's a snow globe of Florence] Florence.

Jack: Florence.

Lucy: Thank you. It's really beautiful.

Jack: And I wanted to say that I think that Peter... is a very lucky guy.

Lucy: Thank you.

Jack: I had to say that because you're gonna be my sister-in-law.

Lucy: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other then.

Jack: I better get goin'.

[leaves]

Lucy: Yeah.

[goes after him]

Lucy: Hey, Jack. Jack!

Jack: [turns around] Yeah?

Lucy: Can you give me any reason why I shouldn't marry your brother?

Jack: Oh... I can't.

[Lucy nods as Jack angrily leaves]

Joe Jr.: O.K., Lucy, it's either me or him!

Lucy: Him.

Joe Jr.: You don't have to answer right away.

[Joe Jr. knocks on door]

Lucy: Who is it?

Joe Jr.: Joe Jr.

Lucy: I'm not here.

Joe Jr.: I know that trick!

Lucy: [trying to heave a tree up to her second floor apartment through the window] $45 for a Christmas tree and they don't deliver? You order $10 worth of chow mein from Mr. Wong they bring it to your door.

Jack: [in Peter's Apartment] You stay here a lot, huh?

Lucy: [uncomfortably lying] Oh, you know, feed the cat.

Jack: Peter doesn't have a cat.

Lucy: [winces, but is interrrupted by the appearance of a cat, looking for food. She goes to it and picks it up] Oh, hello, honey, hi...

[discreetly checks tag for name]

Lucy: ... *Fluffy*! Oh, Fluffy...

Jack: Tell me about your dad, what was he like?

Lucy: He was a lot like me, brown hair, flat chest.

Jerry: What's this?

Lucy: A wedding invitation.

Jerry: Now wait a second! This is *your* wedding invitation.

Lucy: So?

Jerry: Whom are we marrying?

Lucy: [turns over invitation] Peter Callaghan.

Jerry: The coma guy? Are you insane?

Lucy: Yes, Jerry. I'm insane. I go to work and I sit in a box like a veal. I work every holiday, I go home to a cat and now a rich and handsome man has asked me to marry him and I've said yes. OK. That makes me a total raving lunatic.

Jerry: The wedding is tomorrow!

Lucy: I know it's tomorrow Jerry, but you know what? I even wish it were yesterday. Because that would mean that *today* I would be on my honeymoon, that I would *finally* have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say *Italy* on it.

Jerry: What happened to the other guy?

Lucy: He didn't want me.

Lucy: You're trying on my shoes?

Joe Jr.: No, I-I slipped and my foot just went like that

[makes swooping hand gesture]

Joe Jr.: right into the shoe.

Lucy: Oh, and I'm *very* sorry about your carpet.

Peter: What about my carpet?

Jack: Maybe if we angle it a little.

Lucy: I think it's wedged.

Jack: Why don't you step back, I'm gonna try an old trick.

Lucy: What's the trick?

Jack: Push it really hard.

Lucy: Ok, push.

Jack: I did.

Saul: So, do you have any family?

Lucy: My mom died when I was really little and a couple of years ago my dad got sick so we moved from Indiana so he could go to research hospital.

Saul: Research. Another word for very expensive.

Lucy: Yeah, I had to quit school and I started working for the CTA and about a year ago he decided he had had enough research and he passed away.

Saul: Did you know I'm Peter's godfather?

Lucy: Really? I thought you had to be catholic for that.

Saul: Ox fudged it over. He donated 50 folding chairs to Father O'Shea's bingo night.

Lucy: I have a house, and family, and things like that... not like I'm complaining or anything, because I have a cat, I have an apartment, sole possession of the remote control. That's very important. It's just, I never met anyone I could laugh with.

Lucy: I'm having an affair. I like Jack.

Jerry: Who's Jack?

Lucy: Peter's brother.

Jerry: So?

Lucy: So he thinks I'm engaged.

Jerry: To who?

Lucy: To Peter.

Jerry: Lucy, I really don't have time for this.

Lucy: No, you have to tell me what to do.

Jerry: Tell the truth.

Lucy: If I tell Jack I lied to his family he will *never* speak to me again. And Ox and Midge and Mary and Saul.

Jerry: Saul? Who's Saul?

Lucy: The next door neighbor. But you know what? Actually, he knows.

Jerry: Lucy, you are born into a family. You do not join them like you do the marines.

Lucy: So what should I do?

Jerry: Pull the plug.

Lucy: You're sick.

Jerry: I'm sick? You're cheating on a vegetable.

Lucy: Doesn't anybody use a phone anymore?

Joe Jr.: I do.

Lucy: I'm not talking about 900 numbers.

Joe Jr.: Who told?

Lucy: You don't have to walk me home.

Jack: You block the wind.

Lucy: Wh-why did you say that?

Nurse Wanda: Say what?

Lucy: I'm not his fiancee.

Nurse Wanda: Why did you tell me that you were?

Lucy: I'm not engaged. I've never even spoken to the guy.

Nurse Wanda: What? Well, do-, downstairs, you said, you said you were gonna marry him.

Lucy: Oh, geez, I was talking to myself.

Nurse Wanda: Well, next time you talk to yourself, tell yourself you're single and end the conversation.

Jack: Hey, what do you know about my family? Spending a week with them does *not* make you an expert!

Lucy: Spending a *lifetime* with them hasn't made you one, either!

[goes inside her apartment building. Jack follows]

Jack: Yeah, well, I know that keeping your family happy gets complicated. Would your father be happy knowing you're sitting in a token booth, planning vacations that you aren't taking?

Lucy: No, he wouldn't. You're right. But you have no idea what it's like to be alone.

Jack: Hey, you have Peter.

Lucy: I don't have anybody.

Lucy: You give up your seat every day in the train.

Peter: Well... But that's not heroic.

Lucy: It is to the person who sits in it.

Jerry: [at Celeste's party. Jack went along with Lucy, and was mistaken for Peter] Peter?

Lucy: I gotta talk to you.

Jerry: Geez, he looks good.

Lucy: That's not Peter. That's Jack.

Jerry: Uh, who's Jack again?

Lucy: Peter's brother.

Jerry: Peter's the guy that's in a coma.

Lucy: Yeah.

Jerry: So then why did you bring Jack?

Lucy: I didn't bring Jack. He followed me here.

Jerry: So Jack's the fiancé?

Lucy: No, Peter.

Jerry: Peter doesn't even know you exist.

Lucy: I know.

Jerry: So Jack is Peter?

Lucy: Yeah.

Jerry: Lucy!

Lucy: Yeah?

Jerry: They have doctors for this kind of thing!

Lucy: [thinking] It's amazing how exotic Wisconsin... isn't.

Jack: When did you start seeing Peter?

Lucy: September 17th.

Jack: Three months, that's fast.

Lucy: You have no idea.

Mr. Fusco: "Nature of claim: Christmas tree through window". How am I gonna put that on my insurance claim? They're still pissed about the fire we had when Joe Jr. barbecued in the stairwell.

Lucy: I missed that.

Mr. Fusco: Great sausage.

Lucy: Listen, I'll pay for this.

Mr. Fusco: Don't worry about it, my brother Giuli's in the glass business.

Lucy: Hi. So, more questions?

Jack: No, I have an engagement present for you.

Lucy: Uh, you really shouldn't have.

Jack: I didn't. It's from my parents.

Lucy: Oh.

Jack: It's furniture. You want me to bring it up? Hey, was that Saul I saw leaving?

[there is a thud in the background. Joe Jr. is trying something on in Lucy's closet]

Jack: What's that?

Lucy: [lying] Cat.

Jack: [suspicious] Big cat.

Lucy: Um, I th - I think y - I think you should, um, bring it to, uh, t - bring it to Peter's apartment.

Jack: You don't know what it is.

Lucy: Well, you know, anything would look nicer in Peter's apartment.

[there is a thud again from Lucy's closet]

Lucy: You know what? I'll come with you.

Joe Jr.: [as Lucy closes the door, Joe Jr. is heard falling down in the closet] Ooh!

Jerry: So what's the big deal?

Lucy: What's the big deal? Jerry, they think I'm their future daughter in law. And the grandma has got this heart thing and if I tell them the truth, she's gonna have a heart attack and die and it's gonna be on my head.

Jerry: Well, go along with it and when Peter comes out of the coma the family'll be so happy they won't care that you lied to them. They'll probably even thank you for it.

Lucy: [to hot dog vendor] *Just* Mustard.

[to Jerry]

Lucy: Ok, what if he *doesn't* come out of his coma?

Jerry: Then who's to know?

Lucy: [groans]

Jerry: Listen, Lucy, when I told my mother I was getting married to my wife, her intestines exploded. You tell them the truth now, you may as well shoot grandma.

Lucy: Celeste, you have to have sex to be pregnant.

Celeste: But I thought you said you were engaged.

Lucy: Well, we're... waiting.

Celeste: [Incredulous] Waiting?

Lucy: I've had a really lousy Christmas, you've *just* managed to kill my New Year's, if you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment.

Jack: Hey, we'll have to get your picture for the mantle.

Lucy: Of, of me?

Jack: No, of you and Peter.

Lucy: [laughs] I'm, I'm not that photogenic.

Jack: [to himself] I doubt that.

Jack: Which of the Three Stooges was Peter's favorite?

Lucy: Curly.

Jack: Curly. HA!

[pause]

Jack: He's everybody's favorite.

Saul: I like Shemp.

Lucy: The truth was that I fell in love with you.

Ox Callahan: You fell in love with me?

Lucy: No, N-o, yes. All of you. I went from being all alone to being a fiancee, a daughter a granddaughter, a sister and a friend.

Lucy: What do you want from me, Jack?

Jack: I want you not to be unhappy.

Lucy: And what are you, the Happiness Guru, Jack? Are you happy? Because I don't remember you having had a conversation with your father. I mean, you *do* want to leave the business don't you, or is this just like another *miscommunication* that we're having here?

Lucy: It's just... I never met anyone I could laugh with. You know?

Lucy: [in his bedroom] Just be yourself.

President Andrew Shepherd: Be myself.

Lucy: Yeah, and compliment her shoes. Girls like that.

Lucy: If you were a dork you should say you're sorry. Girls like that.

Peggy Day: He beats you. Lucy, how terrible.

Lucy: Ain't it. When you think of the lot of women on this ranch who need a beatin' more than I do.

Lucy: Them big, strong, red-headed men... they're fierce!

Lucy: [singing] If the ocean was whiskey, and I was a duck, I'd dive to the bottom, and never come up. Oh baby, oh baby, I've told you before, the more I drink whiskey, I love you the more! Oh baby, oh ba...

[gets cut off]

Countess DeLave: [Walks through the door] Oh, l'amour, l'amour!

Lucy: If I want to go in the fucking air conditioning duct, I'll go. I'm just going to die anyway just like the rest of you assholes, so maybe I'm going to try to do something brave as a final pointless gesture of kindness in this cruel shitty world that likes taking gestures of kindness and shitting and peeing on them. You know what else? Since you're all going to be dead soon anyway, I should tell you. I hate every single one of you.

Lucy: Uh, Wade? Have you met Clint?

Wade: I have not.

[Shaking Clint's hand]

Wade: Pleased to meet you with meat to please you.

Lucy: Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?

Scott Calvin: What makes you say that?

Lucy: Because you have a reindeer.

Scott Calvin: Lots of people have reindeer.

Lucy: Name five.

Lucy: [opening the door to see Curtis] Are you an elf?

Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Why, no, of course not.

Lucy: Then why do you have pointy ears?

Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Because I didn't eat my green vegetables. Do you eat your green vegetables?

Lucy: [covers her ears] Uncle Scott!

[after The Kid kisses her on the cheek]

Lucy: Sneaky little shit.

The Kid: I bought you those pink furry ones.

Lucy: I returned them.

Lucy: You take everyone's suffering and turn it into gold, LITERARY GOLD!

Lucy: You schmuck, you bastard. I'd like to cut your fuckin' head off.

Harry Block: You're upset, right?

Lucy: I'd like to raise my glass to all of you. For years you all set the standard for what I dreamed to look like, act like, and be one day. All I ever wanted was to be like one of you, but now I realize that if that dream came true, I could never be happy, because I would be noting but a self-loathing person who's undersexed, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, a dormant slut, and a ghetto-fabulous fat-ass.

Lucy: [voiceover] Now, if you are a fat-ass and you would like to stay friends with a group of very pretty people, several rules apply: #1, always eat in private so your weight will remain a mystery; #2, always dress in workout clothes so that, you know, they'll think you're trying; #3, be sure to keep them laughing because humor is very thinning; and, rule #4 - and this is the most important one - always answer the phone on the first ring because, honestly, the fat friend is replaceable.

Lucy: Wait, is this some kind of, like, a mercy fuck? I mean, is that what this...?

Austin: Yes, it is, and I am begging you, please have mercy on me.

[Velma and Lucy drop Thomas and Victor at the bus station]

Velma: You guys got your passports?

Thomas Builds-the-Fire: Passports?

Velma: Yeah, you're leavin' the rez and goin' into a whole different country, cousin.

Thomas Builds-the-Fire: But... but, it's the United States.

Lucy: Damn right it is! That's as foreign as it gets. Hope you two have your vaccinations.

[All laugh]

[Thomas concludes his story he is trading for a ride]

Thomas Builds-the-Fire: Arnold got arrested, you know. But he got lucky. They charged him with attempted murder. Then they plea-bargained that down to assault with a deadly weapon. Then they plea-bargained that down to being an Indian in the Twentieth Century. Then he got two years in Walla Walla.

Lucy: [to Velma] What do you think?

Velma: I think it's a fine example of the oral tradition.

[laughs]

[Thomas and Victor try to hitch a ride with Velma and Lucy]

Velma: Hey Thomas, need a ride?

Thomas Builds-the-Fire: Yeah!

Velma: What are goin' to trade for it. We're Indians, remember. We barter!

Thomas Builds-the-Fire: A story?

Lucy: Better be good.

Lucy: You need to find somebody that likes you the way you are.

Kevin: And who would possibly like me the way I am?

Lucy: I have no idea.

[Lucy hands Kevin a bag]

Kevin: What's this?

Lucy: It's your birthday present, fuck head, open it.

Kevin: Look, I'm just gonna go home and kill myself. You wanna share a cab?

Lucy: So I can pass out and wake up *alone* on New Year's Day?

Lucy: In the five years we've known each other, have you once even ever considered having sex with me? Apart from tonight. You don't think I'm attracted to you.

Kevin: I don't think you're attracted to half the men you sleep with.

Lucy: You think I'm a slut!

Kevin: What? No.

Lucy: Yeah, you think I'm a big slut.

Kevin: I don't think you're a slut. A skanky little ho maybe, but never a slut.

Lucy: The truth is, you're afraid.

Kevin: What? I'm afraid. I'm, yeah, OK, you... I feel so naked right now. I'm totally afraid.

Lucy: It is so obvious.

Kevin: And so ridiculous.

Lucy: Prove it.

Kevin: I don't have to prove anything.

Lucy: I dare you. Kevin, I dare you to fuck me.

Lucy: Stupid idiot.

Henry: I've spent my whole life... wanting something... and doing my very best not to find it. Never even going near the places it might be... And suddenly, I've got the goddamn thing practically chained around my neck.

Lucy: What are you talking about?

Henry: You. You. You're the, you're the... You're, you're- you're the goddamn thing. Ahhh, uh. I mean... You're, you're. I can't describe you... uhh, I don't, I don't write that kind of shit, I write... You know, the people who write, who write the real books, the love books, and the poems, and even those stupid little fucking novels with the hunky assholes on the cover...

Lucy: Stop...

Henry: You know it? You know what I'm talking about? You know - you're like Princess shit! You know? Fairytales. You know what I'm saying? The million guys are after and you're blinded by your beauty kind of shit. Real big stuff. You know, that just - even, we got the dick that kidnaps you and sticks you in a cave and you're guarded by a five-headed dragon, you know and the tales of your plight are spread throughout the land and all the guys go and put on their shoes so they can see what's up and none of them have the balls to save her except for me. I would go through anything... for you. And still, there I was looking for a way not to see it. Anything. Money...

Lucy: You stupid idiot.

Henry: Yeah.

Lucy: Yes.

Henry: Yeah... big fat stupid idiot.

Lucy: I hope you're better to the next one.

Henry: No - wait...

[he digs in his bag and decides not to give her the dedication to Simone, but grabs the pebble he had given her and then thrown back onto the beach and went back for later]

Henry: It was easy to find... it's the only one like it.

Lucy: You broke my heart, Henry. I don't think you can trust people. You always have to find something wrong. I'm just... I'm sorry. I'll miss you.

Henry: I've spent my whole life wanting something and doing my very best not to find it. Never even going near the places it might be, and suddenly I got the god damn thing practically chained around my neck.

Lucy: What are you talking about?

Henry: You, you're the god damned thing.

Henry: Okay, uh, before we can, uh... work effectively with one another, I think we should be comfortable. So, ten minutes, okay? Then - then work. Okay? Go. Okay, I'll start. Uh, I hate my mother. I hate my goddamn dead father more. Rudy was the only friend I ever had. I had a girlfriend once who I used to like to masturbate to more than have sex with. Carrots and snakes frighten me. Umm... I'm superstitious about the numbers...

[holds up three fingers, then six fingers, then seven fingers, crosses himself, blows into his fist, and makes a motion as if to throw the breath away]

Henry: I can only stir things counterclockwise, and I know that if I don't, something bad will happen. I take size eleven-and-a-half shoe. I don't have a favourite book. Umm... Oh... What's crucial? Oh, I don't drive or ride in cars. Statistically speaking, you have a 100% chance of being in an accident in your lifetime. They're death boxes. I give to Amnesty International on the off chance I'm ever imprisoned and tortured for my political beliefs. Paradoxically, I have no political beliefs. Umm... life is pain. Black kids are cuter than white ones. What's important? Uh... I didn't mean it when I compared you to our waitress. I was only trying to hurt you. I could've been meaner about your looks, and what I would've said would have made you cry. Umm... I have a towel I can't throw out 'cause it may have feelings. When I ejaculate, I go into deep depressions. Though by any standard you're a nice person, I deeply resent having to work with you. I love Japanese monster movies. Gamera, specifically.

Lucy: Gamera movies?

Henry: I can't.

Lucy: Yes, you can.

Henry: We have to work.

Lucy: Right now?

Henry: Lucy, come on please. It's going to get very complicated. Ahh, it's going to get so complicated.

Lucy: Do you just genuinely dislike me, Henry?

Henry: A week ago, I didn't give a rat's ass about nebulas and now I can't get enough of them. Ok?

Lucy: Nebulae.

Henry: What?

Lucy: It's nebulae... not nebulas.

Henry: Ok, fine. I don't care about nebulas. You know accuse me of whatever you want, I'm probably guilty of it... contributing to global warming, and killing a squirrel once, and using the word retarded, and occasionally misinterpreted bigotry, but don't, don't... don't don't don't don't don't accuse me of not liking you. Ok?

Lucy: I understand.

Lucy: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, hangin' off the Cross, for Chrissake, God damn it, shit!

Lucy: Ricky, I don't love Sonny.

Ricky: I don't love him either. I think he's a fucking dick.

[about one of her many love affairs]

Lucy: It's complicated. Sometimes complications are interesting.

Lucy: You cunt! You evil cunt! Pervert! This man is a deviant! He gets sexual satisfaction out of getting dressed up as a baby and getting spanked!

Bobby Corelli: I can't talk to you if you just want to get smart all the time, and walk away.

Lucy: If I was smart, I wouldn't have talked to you to begin with, and I just would have walked away.

Lucy: Spill it!

Bobby Corelli: What, what? What do you want to know?

Lucy: What do I want to know? Uh, gee, why have we been chased by the cops? What kind of trouble did you get me into? Who's Carl? And who the hell are you?

Bobby Corelli: Carl is my mother's boyfriend, she just moved in here with him.

Lucy: Right. And the cops?

Bobby Corelli: Eh, I don't exactly on Wall Street.

Lucy: So I can rule out insider trading...

Mickey: [aiming toy gun] Reach for the sky and empty out your pockets, mister.

Lucy: Too late for that.

Lucy: Hi there, Countess! You old turtle!

[Slaps the Countess on her behind]

Countess de Brion: Lucy, I never thought I'd see you again! But, here I am!

Lucy: Come on, girls, let's get together. Let's get to know one another.

Kay Hilliard: You've seen a lot of divorcees haven't you?

Lucy: Been boardin' 'em for 20 years. Well, you're in for the stretch. So, don't mope around. Relax! Enjoy it.

Kay Hilliard: Well, what do you suggest?

Lucy: You name it, we got it or we help you git it. Swimmin'. Tennis. Rub downs. Take it off or put it on.

Reno Ranch Patron #1: What's happening? It's frightening? What is it?

Reno Ranch Patron #2: Maybe its another atom bomb test?

Lucy: This ole house is a rockin' and a rollin'!

Lucy: I've got one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake. If I took my foot off the brake I'd burn rubber halfway across this country. Don't believe all that romance about writers block. Everybody has it: butchers, bakers, writers; it just means you've got one foot on the brake.

Sloan: [placing Lucy's hand against his heart] I suddenly had the odd idea that your touch could heal me.

Lucy: Is it the veins in my hands?

Lucy: [regretting her fling with Sloan] I'm trying to impose will and imagination on a sordid mistake.

[the Stinkers are testing the "death chair"]

Lucy: Witz, you should be happy! You're gonna be the first kid ever to fly in a desk chair.

Witz: Did you say "die in a desk chair"?

Lucy: [Lucy and Max are still in Rex's clutches] Who Do I have to screw to get off of this movie?

Film Director: [Max, as well as Rex's henchmen, all break character and eagerly raise their hands to volunteer] Come on Guys! Cut it!

Lucy: He's falling pretty fast!

Lucy: Why is my poopy hole sore?

Barry: Although technically we wouldn't be jumping into bed since you don't have any furniture.

Lucy: [singing] This much is tru-oo...

Lucy: What if I spied on you when you were going to the bathroom?

Gabriel: You would be rewarded. I look good when I pee.

Barry: Okay. Let's start this thing over.

Lucy: Fine. Hi Barry, its nice to meet you. I don't have a refrigerator.

Lucy: I'm lapsing! I'm lapsing into a coma!

Barry: I went to a three day tax seminar and I thought about you then.

Lucy: You did?

Barry: Yeah. Well, taxes are in April and my sisters birthday is in april. She married a veterinarian. That always makes me think of the time we went to the zoo and fooled around by the polar bear tank.

Lucy: Can I ask you a favor? If I just get brain damage, do you promise to hold a pillow over my face?

Lucy: You know perfectly well, new sex is like crack.

[last lines]

Lucy: We should go to the park this weekend and watch all the children shooting squirrels with their BB guns.

Vivian: True. We don't appreciate nature, enough.

Vivian: You need to get laid.

Lucy: YOU need to get laid!

Vivian: I don't need to get laid. I stored it up before me and Hector broke up.

Lucy: Stored up? What are you, a chipmunk?

Brody: Oh my god.

Lucy: God's not gonna help you now, Brody.

Brody: I hope not.

Brody: You've got a penis!

Lucy: I've got a vagina too.

Clarence Worley: It's nice to meet people with common interests, ain't it? Well, enough about the King, how 'bout... how 'bout you?

Lucy: How 'bout me what?

Clarence Worley: How 'bout you go to the movies with me tonight?

Lucy: What are we gonna see?

Clarence Worley: A Sonny Chiba triple feature. The Streetfighter, Return of the Streetfighter, and Sister Streetfighter.

Lucy: Who's Sonny Chiba?

Clarence Worley: Who is Sonny Chiba? He is... he is bar none, the greatest actor working in martial arts movies today.

Lucy: You wanna take me to a kung fu movie?

Clarence Worley: Three kung fu movies.

Lucy: You've been avoiding me.

Jack: Have I? What's your name?

Lucy: Lucy.

Jack: So, what do you do, Lucy?

Lucy: I'm a white witch!

Jack: Are you gonna put a spell on me?

Lucy: I might!

Lucy: It's just my Dad, he used to like to paint a lot. I think it makes me look like such a nerdy straight girl though.

Albert Feather: How about makin' the most of a male fish now one has been washed up, ay? What about a smacker?

Lucy: No, you mustn't! I don't know you!

Albert Feather: You don't have to know people to kiss them.

Lucy: I do!

Lucy: I love drinking, I'm really good at it

Hallelujah Businessman: Some people fake their deaths. I'm faking my life.

Lucy: You're doing a good job.

Lucy: Fear of death is the number 1 hoax.

Jude: Where are we going?

Lucy: We're going out of our minds!

Lucy: We're in the middle of a revolution Jude. And what are you doing? Doodles and cartoons?

Jude: Well I'm sorry I'm not the man with the mega-phone, but this is what I do.

Lucy: I would lay in front of a tank if it would bring Max back and end this war.

Jude: Yeah, it wouldn't.

Prudence: That's my landlady!

Lucy: So you live with my brother, too?

Prudence: Yeah, him and Jude took me in!

Prudence: I don't sleep with him anymore, though!

Jude: Where are we going?

Lucy: Out of our minds!

Jude: Where are you taking me?

Lucy: Down the rabbit hole!

Jude: But I wanted to feed the cows!

Lucy: Your girlfriend didn't look too happy about us leaving together.

Jude: She- she's not my girlfriend. Well, you know, she's a friend... who's a girl.

Max: [invites Jude over to him and Lucy's house for Thanksgiving]

Jude: We don't have it in England, is it - is it a big deal?

Max: Well, it's a heart-warming American tradition.

Lucy: Yeah. It celebrates the time when the Indians shared their food with the early settlers. And how did we repay them? We slaughter them in thousands then ship them off to the shittiest bits of real estate.

Max: [Max chuckles]

Lucy: [Introduces herself to Jude] I'm Lucy.

Lucy's Mother: Is that fashionable?

Max: Is what fashionable?

Lucy's Mother: Your haircut, or lack of one.

Lucy: Androgyny suits you, Max.

Max: I don't believe this! What do they talk about when I'm not here?

Lucy: You, mainly.

Jude: [about Paco] He's a shagger.

Lucy: A what?

Jude: A shagger... a Dong Juan. A seducer of young, vulnerable women.

Lucy: You could at least hear what he has to say! I suppose you don't though, because you know you'll never be drafted!

Jude: Yeah? Well, neither will you, Lucy.

Max: [walking in and seeing Lucy and Jude in bed together] So that's how it is?

Jude: [They both wake up and Lucy starts laughing a little] Yeah. That's how it is.

Max: Well, speaking as a brother, I think she could do better.

Lucy: [a little stunned] Max? Get out!

Max: Well I'm sorry, but, as blissful as you are in the throes of young love, I'm just letting you know I have a date with Uncle Sam.

[Walks out of the room]

Jude: My God, you- you have perfect teeth.

Lucy: [sucks in her lips]

Jude: No you do. They're perfect. In Liverpool people seldom do,

[holds hand up to his mouth with fingers sticking out]

Jude: they stick out in all different directions. It's horrible.

Lucy: Have you never heard of braces?

Jude: Yes I have thank you very much, we use 'em to keep our trousers up.

Max: [aside to Lucy, as he observes Emily from afar] When did Emily get tits?

Lucy: Max!

Max: [Emily walks by] Emily...

[gives the thumbs up]

Lucy: You didn't get my left nipple right.

Jude: Well, I, I got a job.

Lucy: ...

Jude: Ya, as in, we'll pay you to do it.

[after still no response from Lucy]

Jude: Thought that'd you'd be pleased.

Lucy: What job?...

Jude: It's a logo for Sadie's record company.

Lucy: ...

Jude: It's a strawberry. Ya' know. Red, juicy... Sexy. Yea? Get it?

[no response from Lucy]

Jude: No?

Lucy: [sighs] Oh, I'm so scared for Max!

Jude: Listen, no one and no gun is gonna get Max. You know, he's so twisted he'll bend his way out of this.

Lucy: Hope you're right.

Jude: I am right.

[chuckles]

Jude: I love the bugger...

Lucy: [comparing her family's situation to Jude's] I never realized I had it so easy. I mean, we're so... normal.

Jude: Oh, yeah? I don't know, dinner was quite lively. So, uh, when does that lot start chucking plates at each other?

Lucy: Hmmm... dessert!

Cop: You two, scram! You're defacing city property!

Jude: Oh, shit!

Lucy: What are you talking about? This was just a crappy wall, and now it's a work of art.

Cop: Do you want me to come down there?

Jude: Yeah, Please do come down. You'll scuff up them shiny black boots.

Lucy: Shit! You don't wanna get in trouble with the law, Jude!

[Jude and Lucy start running]

Lucy: [Crying and yelling at Jude outside the SDR headquarters after he came in, sang "Revolution", made a scene, punched Paco in the face, and was thrown out] What is the matter with you? Why would you do that?

Paco: [Lucy walks in on him and a couple of others in a distant room at the now abandoned SDR headquarters making pipe bombs] Close the door.

Lucy: [Calmly] I thought only the other side dropped bombs?

[She closes the door and leaves]

Lucy: It is a very great secret. I've told nobody in the world for fear of discovery.

Fanny: [greedily] I am the soul of discretion.

Lucy: If I dared tell...

Fanny: I can assure you, I'm as silent as the grave.

[Lucy whispers in Fanny's ear; Fanny's kindly disposition changes abruptly]

Fanny: [turning against Lucy, enraged and horrified] Viper in my bosom!

Lucy: We were talking of London, ma'am, and of all its... diversions.

Lucy: Daddy, did God made for you to be like this or was it an accident?

Sam: Ok, what do you mean?

Lucy: I mean you're different.

Sam: But what do you mean?

Lucy: You're not like other daddies.

Sam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Lucy: It's ok, daddy. It's ok. Don't be sorry. I'm lucky. Nobody else's daddy ever comes to the park.

Sam: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, we are lucky. Aren't we lucky? Yeah!

Lucy: I won't read the word!

Sam: I'm your father and I'm telling you to read the word. Cause I can tell you to because I'm your father.

Lucy: I'm stupid.

Sam: You are not stupid!

Lucy: Yes, I am.

Sam: No, you are not stupid 'cause you can read that word.

Lucy: I don't wanna read it if you can't.

Sam: No, because it makes me happy! It makes me happy hearing you read. Yeah, it makes me happy when you're reading.

Lucy: [Lucy reads again]

Lucy: Why are men bald?

Sam: Sometimes they're bald because their head is shiny and they don't have hair on it. So their head is just more of their face.

Lucy: All you need is love.

Sam: You've grown.

Lucy: Have I?

Sam: Yeah, 'cause your ears are bigger and your eyes are older.

Conner Rhodes: Why does your father act like a retard?

Lucy: He is.

Lucy: [being observed] I want no other daddy but you.

[turns to the glass]

Lucy: [shouts] Did you hear that? I said I didn't want any other daddy but him. Why don't you write that down?

Conner Rhodes: Are you a retard too?

Lucy: No!

Conner Rhodes: How do you know?

Lucy: Because he told me.

Conner Rhodes: But he's a retard!

Lucy: It takes one to know one.

Lucy: Roses don't show respect. Roses show intentions.

Lucy: Why are you crying?

Osvaldo Donati: Because I want to kiss you.

Lucy: Why would you think it's okay to come in here like that?

Martha: I don't know. It's a big bed. You guys were on the other side.

Lucy: You can't come into our room when we're having sex. That's not normal. It's private.

Martha: Sorry.

Lucy: You don't need to apologize. Just - I need you to understand why it's not okay.

Martha: Okay.

Lucy: Do you?

Martha: Yeah.

Lucy: Well?

Martha: Because it's private and not normal.

Lucy: Oh, God.

Lucy: I'm her only family, you know. She needs to know that she can depend on me right now. It's complicated.

Ted: As complicated as it might be, we can't ignore the fact that her behavior is fucking insane.

Lucy: We're trying to have a family and I don't feel safe with you here.

Martha: Lucy?

Lucy: What?

[louder]

Lucy: What?

Martha: You're gonna be a terrible mother.

Roman: How does that happen?

Lucy: The tide gets too high. They do this every Spring. They cross the river to get to the other side, and one leads. The second one follows the first one. The third one follows that second one. Sometimes there's thousands of them. And if the first one loses ground, then it's over. The second one becomes the leader and he loses ground. And the third one follows him and loses ground. And it keeps going like that until they all drown.

Lucy: I had a nightmare.

Roman: What was it?

Lucy: Running through this tunnel, and someone was following me. And I was trying to run away and I couldn't run - my legs were frozen. And this man was right behind me. I was screaming, screaming, and screaming. I was trying to get someone to help me. And I couldn't make a sound, so no one was coming. And he was right behind me. He put his hand on my shoulder and I woke up.

Lucy: You think we're like the caribou who cross the river even if they know they're gonna drown? We keep following people and things. And we know it's gonna kill us someday, but we keep doing it.

Roman: I don't know. Maybe it's a good thing, you know? You live your life, and you're not afraid to die. You do what you have to do, because most of the time it works out the way it's supposed to, you know? Then you don't lose your ground. You don't lose your ground. You cross the river, and you grow up, and you live free and proud, 'cause you crossed the river, even if you were scared. You crossed the river inside. You walked across your fear, because *that's* the biggest river to cross. You dive in, and the water's warm. And It feels good. And the people you love are following you, and you follow the people you love. And maybe, one day, you won't make it, but that's OK, 'cause that's how it is. Nobody knows when the water's gonna get too high. You just try and hope for the best. You just don't give up. That's what's important.

Lucy: I just spent 1,300 bucks to come see you. Don't fuck it up.

Lucy: [eating from a 30-year old tin of corned beef] It tastes like shit.

Roman: Yeah, it's supposed to taste like shit - it's corned beef.

Lucy: Will you come south with me? Please. Please!

Roman: Yes.

Lucy: There's only one problem.

Roman: What's that?

Lucy: I spent all my money to come here and have sex with you for 20 minutes.

Roman: [stuck in the ice] Tell me another joke.

Lucy: I don't have another fucking joke. The joke is if you don't get your ass out of there, I'm gonna come down and kick it. How's that for a fucking joke?

Roman: I like the bear joke better!

Vera: What did you do to yourself? C'mon, tell me! What kind of problem?

Lucy: I don't know. It's not really a problem. It's more of an issue.

Vera: You just said a problem. Is it a problem? Now it's an issue. Is it a problem or an issue?

Lucy: Both. I have a love issue, and a drug problem. Or maybe I have a love problem, and a drug issue. I don't know.

Lucy: What's wrong?

Syd: [crying] I think I'm kind of in love with you.

Lucy: They wanted me to examine my life. I mean, this is it. It's about you right now. I'm thinking about you.

Lucy: I haven't been deconstructed in a long time.

Syd: Yeah, I bet you hate that.

Lucy: I don't hate it at all.

Lucy: You need some *help*, G.

Greta: Look at yourself, Lucy.

[Her come-on line to Syd]

Lucy: I want to get high with you.

Syd: This is intense...

Lucy: Is it?

Syd: I'm not usually like this

Lucy: Like what?

Syd: Nervous.

Lucy: Can I take pictures of you?

Syd: Right now? No... I feel like shit right now, I'm kinda wrecked.

Lucy: You look really sexy, actually.

Lucy: I'm kinda hot. That's kinda serious.

Lucy: Where do you think I've been all week?

Greta: With the teenager.

Lucy: Hi. Are you running a bath?

Syd: [puzzled pause] No. Are you?

Ray: Do you always tell the truth?

Lucy: The truth is easier to remember.

Lucy: Will you delinquents shut up? Someday you'll have to straighten out and earn a decent living. Pay attention and grow up sometime. Turn into a respectable person.

Leroy the Masochist: He's a well-respected surfer.

Lucy: That's not a sport, it's a disease.

David: Our son is going to be so proud of his beautiful and talented mother.

Lucy: Or maybe our daughter.

David: Then I'll have two amazing women in my life.

Alex: Hmm...

[sniffing]

Alex: It's funny, there's a smell that is just like po...

[pause]

Alex: Children... are you smoking pot?

Lucy: Are you bourgeois?

Alex: Is this milk all right for Bob to drink?

Lucy: It's mummy's.

Alex: I'm sure she won't mind.

Lucy: It's *mummy's*, for John-Stuart. He's not *weaned* yet.

Alex: Oh.

Bob: [gags] Oh, my God.

Lucy: What are you studying at school?

George: College.

Lucy: College.

George: Oh, lots of useless guff.

Lucy: Why don't you study some useful guff?

George: What do you mean, useful?

Lucy: Something you'd use later in your business or profession.

George: I don't intend to go into any business or profession.

Lucy: No?

George: No.

Lucy: Why not?

George: Well, just look at them. That's a fine career for a man, isn't it? Lawyers, bankers, politicians. What do they ever get out of life, I'd like to know. What do they know about real things? What do they ever get?

Lucy: What do you want to be?

George: [fatuously] A yachtsman!

[Lucy reacts with astonishment]

Lucy: Are you a doctor?

Al: Yeah, how'd you know?

Lucy: Dirty shoes and clean white hands.

Al: A lot of guys have clean hands.

Lucy: But not that clean. It must have taken you ten years at least to get them that clean.

Al: What are you, a commercial or what?

[from trailer]

Lucy: There's someone I'd like you to meet. She's your daughter.

Hawk: Well, how in the hell did that happen?

Alyssa: It's called sex, dad.

Lucy: Do you know that vampires stay together for 5 years and after that they decide if they want to stay together for another five years. During the five years they can't split up even if they really want to. Do you think that's a good idea?

Mother: Well I don't know. I think that if one vampire isn't very happy where they are then maybe it isn't such a good idea for both of them to stay together because you know if two people don't want to be together then they'll just make each other miserable.

Lucy: But if you split up straight away, how do you know that you're going to be miserable?

Mother: Are you talking about me and your Dad?

Lucy: If you're both blood sucking vampires maybe.

Lucy: [stabbing her father having been possessed by her dead brother] Oh daddy you're making a mess on the floor... mummy will be mad

Lucy: Is Piki in heaven?

Maria: I think so

Lucy: Why isn't Oliver?

Lucy: Look mummy Oliver came back

Lucy: I think Oliver is hiding

Maria: Who's he hiding from?

[Barbara's imaginary friend Lucy has just stabbed Barbara's brother and nurse to death]

Lucy: There, Barbara, now you're free. Free of all of them.

[repeated line]

Lucy: Life is full of pain. But I am not afraid. The pain I feel is the pain of fleeting joy.

Lucy: She's not crazy, she's a vampire!

Logan: [the radio station employees are barricading the doors with heavy desks. Lucy walks over and sets a potted plant on top of the desks] And that's supposed to do WHAT?

Lucy: Fuck you!

Lucy: Wellington? Wellington? Where are you Wellington?

Lucy: You filthy #&*@%, your bite will infect your victims turning them into the living dead. However, if they live from your bite they will join you as a beast of the night!

Lucy: This is going to RUIN my outfit...

Lucy: Well, I could... I could learn.

Craig: 'You could learn'... That's what Funky K likes to hear!

Michael: [laughing] Funky K...

Craig: [laughing] That's what I'm talking about!