Louis Quotes in Ghostbusters (1984)

[Egon is running tests on Louis, who has been possessed by Vinz Clortho and is now the Keymaster]

Dr. Egon Spengler: Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?

Louis: Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Are you okay?

Louis: Who are you guys?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: We're the Ghostbusters.

Louis: Who does your taxes?

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You know, Mr. Tully, you are a most fortunate individual.

Louis: I know!

Dr. Raymond Stantz: You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909!

Louis: Felt great.

Dr. Egon Spengler: We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue.

Louis: Okay.

Louis: [Louis, as the possessed Keymaster Vinz Clortho, runs out of Central Park, scaring a married couple] I am the Keymaster! The Destructor is coming. Gozer the Traveler, the Destroyer.

[Louis pants and sniffs, then notices a horse carriage; horse neighs]

Louis: Gatekeeper.

[Walk over towards the horse]

Louis: I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?

Coachman: Hey, he pulls the wagon, I made the deals. You want a ride?

[the possessed Louis growls at the coachman with his red-glowing eyes]

Louis: [to the horse] Wait for the sign. Then our prisoners will be released.

[Runs amok, scaring bystanders; yelling]

Louis: You will perish in flame, you and all your kind! Gatekeeper!

Coachman: What an asshole.

Janine Melnitz: Do you want some coffee, Mr. Tulley?

Louis: [to Egon] Do I?

Dr. Egon Spengler: Yes, have some.

Louis: [to Janine] Yes, have some.

Woman at Party: [coming up to Louis during party] Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?

Louis: [opening cabinet] Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice...

[takes platter back into living room]

Louis: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.

[walks up to a hapless guest, speaking confidentially]

Louis: I'm givin' this whole thing as a promotional expense, that's why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin' a good time, Mark?

[heads across the room, greeting other guests]

Louis: How you doing? Why don't you have some of the brie, it's at room temperature!

[to the Tall Woman]

Louis: You think it's too warm in here for the brie?

Tall Woman at Party: [standing] Louis, I'm going home.

Louis: Aw, don't leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!

Tall Woman at Party: [pauses] Okay!

[Louis and the Tall Woman begin disco dancing. Suddenly the doorbell rings]

Louis: Oh, don't move, I just gotta get the door.

[opens door, greeting guests]

Louis: Ted! Annette! I'm glad you could come, how you doin', give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette's drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.

[throws the guests' coats in the closet, oblivious that they hit the demon Vinz Clortho hiding there]

Louis: So they're okay! So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?

[Vinz Clortho growls from inside the bedroom]

Louis: [grinning] Okay, who brought the dog?

[Louis is being chased by the demon Vinz Clortho]

Louis: [frightened] I'm going bring this up with the Tenants' Association. You're not supposed to have pets in the building.

Louis: Boy, the superintendent's gonna be pissed!

[the Ghostbusters HQ blows up]

Louis: This is it! This is the sign!

Janine Melnitz: Yeah, it's a sign, all right - "Going out of business".

Dana Barrett: [gets off the elevator and Louis comes out of his apartment]

Louis: Oh, Dana, it's you!

Dana Barrett: Oh hi. Yes Louis, it's me.

Louis: I thought it was the drugstore.

Dana Barrett: Oh, are you sick?

Louis: Oh! No, no, I'm fine, I feel great! Just ordered some more vitamins and stuff. I was just exercising. I taped a 20-minute workout and played it back at high speed on my machine so it only took ten minutes. I got a great workout.

Dana Barrett: Good...

Louis: You wanna come in for a mineral water or something?

Dana Barrett: Oh, I'd really like to, Louis, but I have to go rehearsal now. Excuse me.

Louis: No sweat, I'll take a rain check on that. I always have plenty of low sodium mineral water and other nutritious foods in the house. But you already know that.

Dana Barrett: [dryly] Yeah, I know that...

Louis: Listen, that reminds me, I'm having a big party for all my clients, my fourth anniversary as an accountant, you know, and even though you do your own tax return, which you shouldn't do, I'd like you to stop by, being that you're my neighbor and all.

Dana Barrett: [interrupting] Well thank you, Louis, I'll really try to stop by.

Louis: Listen, that reminds me, you shouldn't leave your TV on so loud when you go out. The creep down the hall phoned the manager.

Dana Barrett: That's strange, I didn't realize I'd left it on.

[unlocks her door]

Louis: [droning on] Well yeah, you know what I did? I climbed on the ledge and tried to disconnect the cable, but I couldn't get in, so you know what I did? I turned my TV up real loud too so everyone would think all our TVs had something wrong with them.

Dana Barrett: [abruptly closing her door] Bye, Louis.

Louis: [alone again] Okay, so I'll see you later, huh? I'll give you a call! I'm going to go have a shower.

[tries to go back into his apartment but he's locked himself out]

Louis: [possessed by Vinz Clortho] I am The Keymaster!

Dana Barrett: [possessed by Zuul] I am The Gatekeeper!

Louis: [cornered by the the demon Vinz Clortho] Nice doggy. Cute little pooch. Maybe I've got a Milk-Bone.

Louis: You think my affairs are empty...

D'Artagnan: I think that it is possible for one man to love one woman all his life and be the better for it, yes.

[as the Four Musketeers and Phillipe charge]

Louis: Shoot!

Lt. Andre: Magnificent valor...

Louis: Cowards! Twenty men run from four?

Lt. Andre: The corridor nullifies our numbers, and nobody has the stomach to fight the captain!

Louis: D'Artagnan, you will hunt down Porthos, Athos, and Aramis, and bring me their heads, or I will have yours. And as for you, my brother, back to the prison you will go, and into the mask you hate. Wear it 'til you love it! And die in it.

Louis: D'Artagnan, I am not angry with you. I knew you would lead me to them, and so you have. Lay down your sword and I will not punish you. I will let you retire in peace, and I will give your friends a swift execution, if you surrender NOW!

Louis: You're the new chief advisor. Execute him for distributing rotten food.

Louis: Of all the wonders I have seen, I've never looked upon anything as beautiful as you.

Louis: The next time there are rioters, shoot them.

D'Artagnan: You are constantly surrounded by beautiful women. Do you love any of them?

Louis: Quite frequently, actually.

Louis: There are several sacred things in this world that you don't *ever* mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. Now, you remember that, and you will live a long and healthy life.

Louis: Aww, lookie here. Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy!

[looks up to a poster of Jack Berger on a street sign]

Louis: And he sure looks a helluva lot like that dude!

Carl: We're screwed!

James: What do you mean, we? You're the one who pulled the trigger, pal!

Louis: What the hell is goin' on?

James: Uh, Louis, Carl seems to know this guy!

Carl: I don't know him at all!

James: What I'm trying to say is, uh, uh, uh, he shot him!

Carl: With a pellet gun!

James: But he thought he hit him in the butt!

Carl: I did him in the butt! Look Louis, I know that I did not kill this man. Last night, this guy was beatin' on his ol' lady. So I took it upon myself to end the dispute.

Louis: So you shot him?

Carl: With a pellet gun!

Louis: So you said.

[Louis stands the body of Berger up out of the barrel]

Louis: Now you said you hit him from your apartment across the way.

Carl: Yeah.

Louis: So how the hell did he end up here?

Carl: Wha, why don't you *ask* him?

James: This is wrong! We should just have gone to the cops and told them what happened!

Carl: Hey listen! You are just as guilty! You were there, that makes you an accomplice!

James: Screw you!

Carl: You are an asshole!

James: And you are a trigger-happy idiot!

Carl: Well, I'm not going to rot in jail alone!

James: Well you're not gonna screw up my life, you son of a bitch!

[James slugs Carl, and both begin to roll on the ground fighting]

Louis: Hey!

[Carl rushes over to break up the fight, dropping Berger's body]

James: You and your stupid pellet gun! Ohhh, waaaaahhh!

Louis: When I feel like talking to you, I will look at you.

Louis: Rent-a-cops! I hate rent-a-cops too!

James: [offering a slice of pizza to the pizza delivery man] Are you hungry? Would you like some?

Louis: [having a Vietnam flashback] Don't give him any, James.

James: Why not? He might be hungry.

Louis: He's a prisoner; he should be treated accordingly.

James: Have you completely lost your mind? We're not soldiers and he's not the enemy. He's a pizza man.

Louis: Back in Fubai, he would have been killed the second he knocked on that door. I would have snapped his neck like a twig. And he never would have seen it coming, either.

James: Louis, Louis, calm down!

Louis: [pointing the pellet gun at the pizza delivery man] The commie bastard gets no food!

Louis: [to police officer Mike, after pointing the pellet gun at the pizza delivery man's head] Yeah, cop, I know you, man. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, we've got us another crazy nigger here with a gun. Well, let me tell you something. Human life means very little to me at this point in time. You see, I thrive on misery. In the jungle, misery's all you got. But things are different back here in the world, or so they seem. Nobody wants to talk about pain and suffering. Everybody wants everything to be nice and civil. Well, okay then. Let's be nice; let's be civil. And let's drop those guns before I pull this trigger and change the way you feel about me.

Louis: Faster James! We're losing them!

James: I got it to the floor, Lewis!

Mike: [James gets pulled over. The cop gets out of his car, turns on his flashlight and walks towards the driver's side of the truck] Well, well! Lookie what we got!

[looks to Jeff standing at the back of the truck]

James: I am in no mood for this Mike! Just go ahead snd write the damn ticket so we can all move on with our lives!

Mike: Well, that might be such an easy thing to do there, Jimbo. See, you were doing 75 in a 35. And you ran a red light. That's wreckless driving as far as I'm concerned!

[shines the flashlight in the cab]

Mike: Who else you got with ya there, Jimbo?

[sees the gagged pizza man]

Mike: What the hell is going on here?

James: Heh, heh, heh... you're, you're never gonna believe this Mike! Heh, heh heh... I'm totally flattered, I can't even come up with a good lie!

Mike: Heh heh heh! What'd I tell you, James? I knew you were crooked! And I knew I'd catch up to you sooner or later!

[draws his gun]

Mike: All right, everyone of the vehicle right now!

[Carl prepares to go across the street to spy on Susan]

Louis: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Carl: C'mon, guys. I'm not gonna get in over my head.

James: Yeah, well that depends on which head you're talking about.

Louis: They're moving, let's go!

[motioning to Pizza Man]

Louis: Pizza Cong comes with us. Get him on his feet, I'll get Tricky Dick.

Louis: I hate cops!

Carl: You're a stupid little man, you're a stupid little man!

Louis: I said enough! I said cut it out!

[Carl seperates them, but James still wants to fight, so James tries to kick Carl]

Louis: Hey YO! I said knock it off! Now unless either one of you guys had a rope or a piece of wire and strangled this guy, I'd say you're both in the clear!

James: How the hell would you know?

Louis: [hauls up the body to a standing position] Look. See? You can see the marks whatever was used made around his neck. Pretty nasty job, too.

Pizza Man: [Louis is counting out the money to the pizza guy, who looks up and sees James wheeling Berger's body with a Nixon mask over his face to the bathroom. James spots the pizza guy looking, and moves faster] Uh, what's going on here?

Louis: Mind your business son.

Pizza Man: OK. Thank you sir!

Louis: You seen too much!

[Lewis grabs the pizza guy, pulling him into the apartment and starts spinning him around in a headlock]

Pizza Man: Ahhhhhhhh! Yaahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

James: Louis! What the hell are you doing?

Louis: He saw you with the body! He can start all kinds of trouble!

James: So you kidnap him? Good solution!

Pizza Man: [flailing] Here, take the money! I won't say anything to anybody!

Louis: You bet you won't!

[Louis swings him around one more time and puts him headfirst into the sheetrock wall]

Pizza Man: Waaaaaahhhh!

[Pizza guy's head slams into and puts a hole in the wall]

James: [grabs his head] Louis, what the hell?

Pizza Man: [Louis pulls the pizza guy's head out of the wall, holding him up] Aiiiiii, extra cheese?

[Pizza guy falls over, unconscious, tweeting birds are heard]

James: You're a madman!

Louis: [grits his teeth] He was provoking me!

James: This situation has definitely gotten way out of hand!

Louis: Go back to the window and keep Carl covered!

James: What the hell are we gonna do with him?

Louis: [grits his teeth again and grins] We gonna need some rope!

Max Kilpatric: Is it a felony to shoot a computer?

Louis: Only in California.

[last lines]

Louis: Payback's a motherfucker.

Louis: Welcome home, convict! A very touching story, my hemorrhoids bleed for you.

Louis: Ma', I don't know where my teeth are. Hey pa', are you wearing my teeth?

Louis: Men love to hate. It's what separates us from the females of the spieces. It's the natural law in Wild America.

Louis: How are you feeling, Frank?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Like a bag full of dicks at a lesbian convention.

Dr. Ellington: There's something I need to show you.

Louis: Do NOT grab your dick and ask me to guess the temperature!

Louis: Here's the paper, by the way.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Thank you. Let's see... Oh, American hero and werewolf killer... Franklin Delano announces he's running for President... Thank you, Mmm-hmm... I hope it mentions something about my cock still working.

Louis: No.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Well, shit, call them up! I want a press release first thing in the morning.

Louis: Before we do that...

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Let's leak them a picture, too.

Senator Bronson: Why me? I'm fat and weak.

Louis: Probably for exactly that reason.

Louis: Did you debrief him?

Eleanor Roosevelt: Yes.

Louis: Cool. I hate when I have to take his boxers off.

Louis: Louis would give anything to play jazz with the big boys.

Prince Naveen: So why don't you?

Louis: Oh, I tried once.

[Flashback: Louis climbs onto a river boat and starts playing along with a band; he is screamed and shot at as he jumps back out]

Louis: It didn't end well.

[Louis gives Ray CPR using a straw]

Louis: You okay, little buddy?

Ray: Oh, I'm fine... but your breath done killed me to death!

Tiana: Louis... Ray here says you've been taking us in the wrong direction.

Louis: I was... listen, I was confused by the topography and... the geography and choreography...

Ray: First rule of the bayou: never take directions from a gator.

Ray: [to Naveen and Tiana] Well you folks is goin' in the wrong direction. What kind of chucklehead told you to go this a way?

Louis: [Louis jumps out of the bush] I found a stick!

[Naveen and Tiana give him a blank stare]

Louis: [Gets a bur on his finger] Aah! Pricker bushes got me! Gator down! Gator down! I can feel the darkness closing in! So cold!

Ray: Just hold still, you big baby.

Louis: Aaah!

Ray: I ain't touched it yet.

Louis: You sure this is the right blind voodoo lady who lives in the boat in the tree in the bayou?

Ray: Pretty sure.

Louis: [after Crash and Eddie fling themselves from trees onto the ground] Can I ask you guys something? How are you both so happy; doesn't it weigh on you that the world might be ending?

Crash: Can I tell him our secret?

[Eddie nods]

Crash: [to Louis] Come here, come here... we're very, very... stupid!

Louis: But still, you're not a teensy bit concerned about... I don't know, say imminent death!

Crash: [grabs Louis' nose] Beep.

Charles: Sheeta, can you make pudding? I *love* pudding!

Louis: I get to lick the spatula!

Henri: And I like chocolate cake with that... Oh, what's that frosting? It's kinda pink and swirly with...

Dola: Will you shut up?

[to Pazu and Sheeta]

Dola: Ah, what can I tell ya? They just really like dessert.

[after Dola decides to let Pazu and Sheeta become pirates]

Louis: [overjoyed] YES! No more swabbin' the decks! Hooray!

Henri: I won't have to wash the dishes!

Charles: I've peeled my last potato! YEE-HAW!

Louis: WHOOPIE!

Henri: WHEE!

[they all fly around and start celebrating]

Louis: [sing-song tease] Pazu loves Sheeta!

Dola: Be quiet!

Louis: Sorry, Mom.

Sheeta: [hugging her] Dola!

Dola: Thank goodness you're alive!

Pazu: So are you. This is great!

Papa: No it's not! My poor little ship is gone forever! Boo hoo hoo hoo!

Dola: Stop with the cryin', ya big baby! I'll get you another ship!

Papa: [stops crying] Okay.

Dola: [to Sheeta, softhearted] Oh, poor little thing. There's nothin' worse than having your pigtails shot off!

Sheeta: [reacting to a sharp object beneath Dola's blouse] Or having your eye poked out. What have you got under there?

Dola: Oh, my fault!

[takes out shining gem]

Dola: You must've hurt yourself on these! Now, how'd they get inside my blouse?

Charles: [as pirates take out their hidden jewels] *All* good pirates listen to their Mom!

Louis: That is so true, huh?

Louis, Henri: [encouraging Charles to fight Boss] He said Mom was ugly, now go get him!

Dola: All right, me hearty, once you've taken off, you'll have to use the phone to communica...

[a phone rings, Dola answers it]

Sheeta: You mean *this* phone?

Louis: She *is* good...

Louis: [clinging to the automobile in the chase sequence] I'd really prefer to be in the car, Mother!

Louis: Poor kids. I'll really miss them.

[sniff]

[Louie and Pazu are in Tiger Moth's engine room]

Louis: Hey, Pop! I've finally found ya an assistant!

Papa: [disgruntled] Stop yelling at me! I can hear you. Believe me, sometimes I wish I couldn't.

Papa: [to Pazu]

Papa: Come on, assistant! Let's see what you can do!

Louis: [whispering in Pazu's ear] Uh, hurry up. He is even tougher than my mother.

Papa: I need someone who's *mechanically* minded, not some half-baked, swashbuckling Casanova wannabe!

[on the Tiger Moth, Louie is escorting Pazu to the Tiger Moth's engine room]

Louis: Work, work, work. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Left, right, left, right. You're not here to have fun.

[inside the engine room; we see the gears turning]

Louis: As you can see, this room is loaded with all sorts of gears and gizmos!

Pazu: [fascinated] Wow, this engine room is amazing!

Louis: [dumbfounded] Is *that* what it's called?

[in the galley; Sheeta is cooking when Louis happens by, standing idly around her]

Louis: Ahem.

Sheeta: Uh, yes? What is it?

Louis: [speechless] Uhm...

Sheeta: Yes?

Louis: [blurts out] I-I-I finished my work for the moment, and I've come to offer you my help.

Sheeta: Well, that's kind of you. Will you hand me those plates over there?

Louis: With pleasure, my little ang...

[scowls when he notices one of his brothers peeling a potato]

Louis: What are YOU doing here?

Pirate: Helping.

Louis: I thought you said you had a stomachache!

Charles: [throwing open the door with a rose in hand] I'm in love with you!

Louis: YOU?

Charles: [sheepishly] Hello.

[later, when all the pirates are helping Sheeta in the galley]

Henri: [entering the room casually] Hi, is there anything I can do?

[Dola comes thundering into Pazu's town on her automobile where her boys are brawling with the citizens]

Dola: Full speed ahead!

[to Louis and Henri in the distance]

Dola: Hey, boys!

Louis: Wha - ? Hey, it's Mom!

Louis, Henri: [Dola drives up to Louis and Henri] Hi, Mom!

Dola: [incensed] You chowderheads! Get your brother and hop on!

Louis: [dumbfounded] Huh? But Sheeta's hiding inside that house!

Dola: Lamebrain! They made an escape! Now step on it!

Louis: [jumping onto Dola's car] They ESCAPED?

Henri: [jumps on after Louis] Hey, I wanna come!

Charles: [grabbing onto the back of Dola's car] Mommy!

[after saving Sheeta from the robot, the Dola Gang are flying off. Sheeta is crying against Pazu's shoulder]

Louis: Sheeta, you okay?

Charles: If I did something wrong, I'd really like to apologize for it, Sheeta.

Dola: We *all* did something wrong, wasting our time on these two kids!

Sheeta: [Hitting both Charles and Louis in the head with a coal shovel on the train chase] Take that!

Charles: [dazed] That's a strong little girl!

Louis: [groaning] Uh-huh...

Louis: [just as Pazu and Sheeta are about to head into town] Young man, query, have you seen a little girl around here?

Pazu: Uh... let me see now... Yeah! There're about a hundred little girls in this town. Which one?

Louis: [grumbling] Thanks... for *nothing*, kid!

Henri: [Pazu has just returned home; he is about to open the door when suddenly hands reach out to grab him] Well! Ahoy there, matey!

Pazu: Ahh! What's going on?

[he is thrown into his house; cut to Pazu struggling as Henri ties him up]

Henri: Stop wriggling, ya little worm!

Dola: [seated at the dinner table, noisily munching on a steak] Welcome home, sonny!

Pazu: [as Henri pulls a bound Pazu to the wall] Get out! Get out, or I'll throw you out! This is MY house!

Dola: [disdainfully] Oh, ya can't scare me! You can't even protect one small girl!

Pazu: Whaddaya mean?

Henri: [taking out the gold coins Muska gave Pazu] Hey, Mom! Can I keep this money?

Dola: Up and sold a little girl, did ya? I know your type!

Pazu: [protesting] You don't know what you're talking about!

Dola: They offered ya money, and ya took it, didn't you?

Pazu: I only left because Sheeta told me to!

[sighing]

Pazu: That's why.

Dola: [spits in disgust] So ya believed her and ya came back here, right? You're just a SCARED LITTLE BOY WHO RUNS AWAY!

[slams her fist on the table]

Pazu: Says you! You don't even have the guts to stand up to Muska and the army!

Dola: He who turns and runs away can steal the treasure ANOTHER DAY!

Charles: [underneath Dola's line] Mm-hm.

Louis: [dryly] That's so true.

Dola: Don't ya think it's kinda strange that the army has gotten into the kidnapping business?

[takes another big bite on her steak]

Dola: You really think they'll keep her alive? Don't ya see that they forced her to make a deal?

Pazu: [surprised] Huh?

Dola: [downs the rest of her steak] She *saved your life*! Get it?

Louis: [as Pazu hangs his head] Mommy, you amaze me. How do ya know these things?

Dola: Oh, well, ya can't be a sensitive woman like me without learnin' a few things. Sheeta and I are exactly alike: all warm and mushy and sensitive!

[belches]

Dola: Now, so when you boys get married, you go find a gal like her!

Louis: [dumbfounded] Huh? She's gonna end up... like Mama?

Charles: Good question.

Pirate: [finding Sheeta's dress behind Pazu's house] Louie, go tell your mother! She's in disguise!

Louis: So, she's in disguise?

[to the pirate]

Louis: Go tell my mother!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You are under arrest!

Sonia: Let me go, or I will destroy it.

[Sonia takes what she believes to be the Pink Panther from her purse, and draws a gun]

Dreyfus: Let her go.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let her do it.

Dreyfus: [shocked] Are you insane?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Sonia tosses what appears to be the Pink Panther into the air, shooting it into millions of fragments; she attempts to run into a hallway, only for Ponton to hit her face with a metal serving tray] Good work, Ponton.

Ponton: Thank you.

Dreyfus: You moron! You twerp! You sad excuse for a human being! You have just destroyed the sacred symbol of France!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ponton, did you bring what I asked for? Boys...

[Louis and Antoine bring a small jewelry case]

Louis: Here it is, Uncle Jacques.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, yes.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I knew the Tornado would eventually come after the Pink Panther, so I went to the museé with a simple plan in mind. I had convinced my old friend, Robert the night guard, to turn off the security system for the few moments necessary to save the most beautiful object in France. I then switched the Pink Panther with the replica I had at home.

[Clouseau takes the real Pink Panther from the case]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: This is the real Pink Panther. It was the fake that was stolen.

Dreyfus: [to himself] Nightmare, nightmare.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And when the Tornado, an expert on the quality of gems, wrote in his supposed suicide note of its great beauty, I knew he could never have been the thief; he would have recognized it as a fake.

Vicenzo: How did you figure out it was Sonia?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: It was because I spent the last 17 months on parking duty.

Dreyfus: What?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Today I was staring at Miss Solandres' license plate. I recognized it because of my... unique system of cross-referencing. I became aware that I had given a parking ticket to the same car, two days before Miss Solandres claimed she arrived in Paris... one day before the Pink Panther was stolen.

[the guests applaud Clouseau, who has just thwarted Sonia Solandres]

Dreyfus: You followed my instructions very well, Clouseau. It was I, of course, who put Clouseau onto the parking ticket assignment. Isn't that so, Inspector?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No.

[Clouseau winks at Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who instructed him to deny any knowledge of the assignment]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau: And at Avellaneda's mansion, when I sensed the presence of the Tornado, he was there, all right. But it was not a he, it was a she!

[the guests and the Dream Team applaud Clouseau's success]

Louis: [singing] Les Poissons, Les Poissons / How I love Les Poissons / Love to chop and to serve little fish / First I cut off their heads, then I pull out their bones / Ah, mais oui ça c'est toujours delish / Les poissons, les poissons, Hee-hee-hee, ho-ho-ho! / With the cleaver I hack them in two / I pull out what's inside, and I serve it up fried / 'Cause I love little fishes, don't you? / Here's something for tempting the palate / Prepared in the classic technique / First you pound the fish flat with the mallet / Then you slash through the skin, give the belly a slice / Then you rub some salt in, 'cause that makes it taste nice!

[Sees Sebastian]

Louis: Zut alors! I have missed one.

[Picks him up]

Louis: Sacrebleu! What is this? / How on earth could I miss / Such a sweet, little succulent crab / Quel dommage, what a loss! / Here we go, in the sauce / Now some flour, I think just a dab / Now I'll stuff you with bread! / It don't hurt, 'cause you're dead / And you're certainly lucky you are / 'Cause it's gonna be hot in my big silver pot / Toodle-oo, mon poisson, au revoir!

Garfield: [to mouse after spitting him out] Have you tasted yourself lately?

Louis: Hey, it wasn't exactly the first-class lounge in there for me, either.

Garfield: Get yourself lost, Louis. Take a powder for a couple days, get a haircut, and grow a beard.

Louis: Cool. I owe you one, G.

Louis: [not wanting to go inside Telegraph Tower] I don't do the vertical thing.

Louis: [from a deleted scene when Garfield and Louis use a hot dog vendor's cart to get near Telegraph Tower] Meals on wheels.

Garfield: Don't let anybody see us jumping out; we'd ruin this guy's business.

Garfield: [from a deleted scene on the train after Garfield is still dazed from being knocked out by Happy Chapman] Um, Mom? Is that you?

Spanky: I had to see it with my own eyes. A cat saving a dog.

Persnikitty: All for one and one for all.

Garfield: Sir Roland?

Persnikitty: In the fur.

Garfield: What are you guys all doing here? Are you traveling today too?

Spanky: We've been following your scent since the pound.

Garfield: [still dazed] What are you guys all doing here?

Persnikitty: We're here to help.

Dad Rat: [to Garfield] Well, well, well. We meet again.

Mom Rat: I say we eat the fat, arrogant fool.

Garfield: No, no, please let me live!

Louis: [Happy Chapman] Not you, Garfield. Chrome dome over there.

Louis: Mother, look! The Prime Minister is naked.

Anna: Oh don't be ridiculous, Louis. He can't be all naked. He's only

[looks through the telescope]

Anna: ... half naked.

Louis: [holding a rabbit] See what happens when a boy and girl don't know how to play it safe!

Louis: You got something going with Paulette?

Johnny Nogerelli: Let's just say I'm giving her therapy for her disease.

Louis: Which disease?

Johnny Nogerelli: Nymphoid mania.

Louis: KABLAM! NUCLEOID WAR!

Sharon: [after Louis explains verbally and through song that a war is about to erupt] What's started? What's happening, Louis?

Louis: The Russians are attacking! Get down!

[last lines]

Louis: Looking good, Billy Ray!

Billy Ray: Feeling good, Louis!

Louis: My God! The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!

Ophelia: Unless somebody stops them...

Coleman: ...or *beats* them to it.

[all turn and look at him]

Coleman: Egg-nog?

Louis: [after giving the secret knock] Who is it?

Billy Ray Valentine: Open the door, man!

Louis: I don't have that record... I'll buy it for forty.

Rob: Sold.

Louis: Now why would you sell it to me and not to him?

Barry: Because you're not a geek, Louis.

Louis: You guys are snobs.

Dick: No, we're not.

Louis: Yeah, seriously, you're totally elitist. You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit onto people who know lesser than you.

Rob, Barry, Dick: No!

Louis: Which is everybody...

Rob, Barry, Dick: Yeah...

Louis: That's so sad.

Louis: [Louis and Sabrina are kissing] I'm in Paris but you are somewhere else.

Sabrina: I'm sorry, Louis... I shouldn't have done this.

Louis: I would like to help. But what you have to fix, you won't fix it in bed. You have to fix it *here*.

[pointing to her head]

Starkman: Louis, you wanna go to medical school?

Louis: Medical school?

[Starkman shoots him]

Starkman: Yeah! Students there can always use something to learn on!

Louis: [reading his essay to the class] I want to be just like my best friend when I grow up. He's only ten but he looks much older. He's like the perfect grown-up because on the inside, he's still just a kid. He's not afraid to learn things or try things, or to meet new people the way most grown-ups are. It's like he's looking at everything for the first time - because he is. And most grown-ups aren't like that. Most grown-ups just wanna go to work and make money and show off for the neighbors. And more than anything, he knows how to be a great friend, more than most people that look like adults. So I might not know what I wanna be when I grow up, and right now I really don't care. But I do know who I wanna be like. I wanna be like the giant. The big guy. My best friend. Jack. Thank you.

Louis: You know what your problem is, Victor? You have Exactly Disease.

Victor: What's that?

Louis: It's when your mouth smells exactly like your butt!

Louis: Hey you, you shoot hoops?

Jack: Who me?

Louis: No, the 40-year-old kid behind you.

Jack: What happened to Mr. McGee? I just talked to him on the phone.

Louis: I don't know what happened to Mr. McGee. Mr. Powell?

Jack: [pause] He got diarrhea.

Dolores: [disgusted] Diarrhea?

Jack: Yeah, he got diarrhea. And uh, he spewed. Threw up. And he had the squirts. He had diarrhea.

Dolores: Oh boy, that's more than I needed to know.

Louis: I kinda haven't done homework since the third grade.

Jack: Whoa, your dog must be pretty full.

Louis: Hey, I brought Jack. He's right down there.

John-John: You brought the freak?

Louis: He's not a freak.

John-John: You said he was a freak!

Louis: Yeah, I said wrong alright? Get over it. He's cool. He knows how to shoot hoops. And he did me a favor today. Here, check this out. Look what he picked up on the way over.

[pulls out a Penthouse magazine]

John-John: He bought that?

[he reaches for it but Louie pulls it away]

Louis: Eh eh!

John-John: No way.

Louis: Way! Walked right into the store and picked it up. No fear, nothing. My man's the man!

John-John: That is way cool.

Eddie: Wish I was a freak!

Louis: Hey, lay off the freak stuff, alright? Jack's cool. And you gotta let him kick it with us. If he walks, Penthouse walks too.

Fat Sam: Louis, over there into the corner.

Louis: Me boss? Why me, boss?

Fat Sam: Louis, into the corner.

Louis: What'd I do boss?

Fat Sam: Nothing Louis.

[throws pie at Louis and misses]

Fat Sam: Ya see? Missed. Okay Louis, you can sit down now.

Louis: The studio heard the temp recording you did and they want your voice on the trailer, Carol.

Carol: But I'm a chick.

Louis: Yeah, I know. I'm acutely aware of that.

Nancy: Oh, my god. Did we sleep together?

Louis: No.

Nancy: Did I sleep with anyone?

Louis: No.

Nancy: Who did you sleep with?

Louis: Nobody.

Carol: How does everybody know about that? I don't understand.

Louis: The Russian community is really tight.

Louis: l just thought maybe it would be weird sleeping in the same place since we've both admitted that we like each other. You know?

Carol: Yeah. It is awkward sort of.

Louis: Yeah. But now that we've acknowledged it, it's not as weird, though. Right?

Carol: Yeah.

Louis: What's the matter, Hildy?

Hildy Johnson: Don't give me that innocent stuff! What did you pull on Mr. Baldwin THIS time?

Louis: Who, me?

Hildy Johnson: Yes, you and that albino of yours!

Louis: You talkin' about Evangeline?

Hildy Johnson: None other!

Louis: She ain't no albino.

Hildy Johnson: She'll do 'till one comes along!

Louis: She was born right here in this country!

[Mrs. Wilberforce has knocked on the door and the Major is about to open it]

Louis: [Aside to Harry] Excuse me, Major Courtney, I wonder if perhaps you'd like some tea?

[the Major opens the door]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: I wonder if perhaps you'd like some tea, Major Courtney?

[after Louis has 'dealt' with the Major on the roof']

Professor Marcus: Well, where is he? Where *is* the Major? Is he up there still?

Harry: No, no, he, uh, he come down.

Professor Marcus: Well bring him here!

Harry: He come down... with the chimney-pot.

Professor Marcus: With the chimney- ?

[chuckles]

Professor Marcus: Is he hurt?

Louis: I shouldn't think he felt a thing.

One-Round: [looking blankly at his cello] Are we supposed to make noises with these things? What kind o' noises?

Louis: Who is she?

Professor Marcus: Not "noises," One-Round, *music*!

Louis: I said what does she mean, you...

[Professor Marcus shushes him and turns on the record, dancing a bit to the music]

[She knocks on the door]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: [pacing] Oh, oh dear, oh dear. Poor Mr. Robinson.

[She knocks again; the music stops and Claude opens the door]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: I'm so sorry, Major Courtney, but I'm afraid General Gordon has bitten Mr. Robinson's finger. Now he's on the top of the cabinet and refuses to come down.

Louis: Mr. Robinson is on top of the cabinet?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh, no Mr. Harvey. General Gordon. Mr. Lawson, you're the tallest. Do you think you could try to get him down for us?

One-Round: Sure, I'll get 'im, mum

[he starts down the stairs]

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh, I feel I'm being such a bother.

Louis: How could you possibly think a thing like that?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh, you *are* kind.

Louis: [asked to get General Gordon, Mrs. Wilberforce's parrot] I'm not chasing any parrot! I don't care if he's a field marshall!

[Professor Marcus enters the phone booth right as the phone rings. On the other end, Claude is in another phone booth outside the train station, watching Mrs. Wilberforce collect their trunk]

Professor Marcus: Now, Major, before we start, let's press button A, shall we?... That's better... Major. Ma - Major! I want you to keep calm, speak quietly, and concentrate. Have you got that? Splendid. Mrs. W. should be coming into view just about...

[hums]

Professor Marcus: ... now... Now she's driving away.

[She does, but comes back]

Professor Marcus: . Major, Major, Major

[throws phone book]

Professor Marcus: RELAX! Calm down!

Claude: Back to the station! She's come back to the station!

Louis: [Enters phone booth] What's wrong? Major!

Professor Marcus: Louis! Louis!

Louis: Major, tell me what's happening! Major!

Professor Marcus: Louis! Louis, will you mind your own business, please!

Harry: [Now Harry is in the phone booth too, and One-Round tries to squeeze in with them] Louis! Give us a listen, Louis! Come on, let me hear, will you? I want to hear!

[to One-Round]

Harry: Get out! Louis, I want to hear what he says!

Louis: [to One-Round] You get out! Major, tell me what's happening!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: [Comes out of the train station with her umbrella] I'm always leaving it.

Louis: [Professor Marcus is laughing] What's she doing?

One-Round: What's going on here?

Professor Marcus: It's all right, it's just that she went back to get her umbrella!

[driving past the police station, they see their case of money sitting in the doorway]

Harry: I don't believe it. I don't *believe* it!

Louis: Shut up.

One-Round: It's just... sitting there... look, couldn't we...?

Professor Marcus: No one, I hope, is going to suggest that we steal it.

[Mrs. Wilberforce has just discovered the money. Louis pulls Harry aside]

Louis: We must get her out of here.

Harry: A snatch?

Louis: Get her into the car.

[One of Mrs. Wilberforce's guests arrives]

Louis: We'll have to take them both. We've got to get away!

[Two more guests arrive]

Harry: What do you think we should do? Charter a bus?

Louis: [Professor Marcus and Louis Harvey are holding the late Harry Robinson by his feet, waiting for the train to pass so they can drop him in and thereby, dispose of him] Look, uh, I make a proposition to you. I'll take care of him if you take care of her. That's a straight 50-50 split, huh?

Professor Marcus: No, no.

[short laugh]

Professor Marcus: I would rather it was the other way about. Let me have One-Round, you take care of Mrs. W.

Louis: [the train is coming] Wait.

One-Round: [the train is passing and in the midst of the smoke, they dispose of Harry] Guess who's next.

[One Round Lawson points a gun at them]

Louis: [They both turn around to see One-Round holding the gun at them] Wait a minute, One-Round. Don't shoot, don't shoot! Don't shoot. Look. We can make a deal. You'll never get away by yourself. I'll help you. Do him. He's the one who got you into this. Do him.

One-Round: I heard ya, both of ya. I been standing here all the time. Sure, you two were gonna put me on the train. And all the time you been telling me how stupid I am. Okay. So who looks stupid now, eh?

Louis: [One-Round tries to shoot them, but nothing happens. He looks down and knows something is wrong, but keeps trying to fire at them. Soon, the smoke from a passing train envelops him. When the smoke finally clears, Louis Harvey rises from bottom holding One-Round's gun] The safety catch was on.

Professor Marcus: [Professor Marcus and his gang are discussing how to do away with Mrs. Wilberforce] It ought to look like an accident.

Harry: How about suicide?

Claude: What do you mean?

Harry: Well, get her to write a note, you know. "I just couldn't stand it no more. Signed, Mrs. Wilberforce." And then somebody goes down and hangs her. Hmm?

Louis: Very funny.

Harry: You got a better idea?

Louis: There's just something about old ladies. I can't... I can't stand them.

Louis: She had to go. She asked for it. She's probably been asking for it all her life.

Harry: Yeah! Look what she done to that barrow boy and-and the cabbie and the junkman. All of them out of business in ten minutes.

Louis: This is getting us nowhere! We must do something!

Professor Marcus: Quite right, Mr. Harvey. We've got to tell her. Mrs. Wilberforce, I wanted to spare you this, but I'm afraid the police are after you too.

Harry: Hey, that's right! You're as hot as the rest of us, mum.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: As hot?

Claude: If they pick her up, there's no saying what they may do to her.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Pick me up? Would you mind explaining...

Harry: The job was planned in her house. She carried the lolly for us.

Claude: Oh!

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Yes, I-I-I know I carried the-the lolly.

Professor Marcus: But she was ignorant of the plan, of course.

Claude: Ignorance, in the sight of the law, is no excuse. Even if we swear that she didn't know what she was doing.

Harry: They'd never believe us.

One-Round: Yeah!

Harry: Humph! Who'd believe anything we said?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh, but this is ridiculous! Uh? I know the Superintendent! I shall deny any knowledge...

Professor Marcus: She'll... never stand up to it, of course.

Harry: Really? The rubber houses?

Professor Marcus: The rest of her life, sewing mail bags?

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Mail bags?

Harry: And no one to look after the parrots.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh!

Professor Marcus: We won't let them get you, Mrs. Wilberforce!

Louis: Why not? What's she ever done for us? If they get her, I'll tell them she planned the job. I'll tell them she planned the big one.

Mrs. Louisa Wilberforce: Oh!

Louis: The Eastcastle Street job.

Louis: Only in a capitalist country can a man be forced out of his bed to sleep on a sofa!

Phillipe: Only in a capitalist country does a man have a bed AND a sofa.

Louis: Who's that?

Ordell Robbie: That's Beaumont.

Louis: Who's Beaumont?

Ordell Robbie: A employee I had to let go.

Louis: What'd he do?

Ordell Robbie: He put himself in a position where he was going to have to do ten years in prison, that's what he did. And if you know Beaumont, you know ain't no god damn way he can do ten years. And if you know that, then you know Beaumont's gonna do anything Beaumont can to keep from doing them ten years, including telling the federal government any and every motherfucking thing about my black ass. Now that, my friend, is a clear cut case of him or me. And you best believe it ain't gonna be me.

Ordell Robbie: Hey, where's Melanie?

Louis: Well... that's what I want to tell you. She was being such a pain. She made us late for the pickup because she locked herself in your bathroom for hours with her bong getting high. She was nagging and complaining... so strung out. She wouldn't shut up, so...

Ordell Robbie: You left her back there?

Louis: Not exactly. I shot her.

Ordell Robbie: You shot Melanie?

Louis: Twice.

Ordell Robbie: Is she dead?

[Louis does not reply]

Ordell Robbie: Is she dead, yes or no?

Louis: Pretty much.

[Melanie and Louis are fighting over a bag of Ordell's money]

Louis: Gimme the bag...

Melanie: Watch it dipshit, you wanna rip the fucking bag.

Louis: Gimme that bag before I knock you out and take it.

Melanie: Okay take it. Jesus, what's wrong with you?

Louis: I'm carrying it.

Melanie: Okay, you got it. Just take a chill pill for Christ's sake.

Louis: Fuck you and your chill pill!

[Louis and Melanie are looking at a picture]

Melanie: That's Japan.

Louis: Uh, looks like... I can... It shows...

Melanie: Wanna fuck?

Louis: Yeah.

[three minutes later]

Melanie: That was fun.

Louis: Yeah, that hit the spot.

Melanie: Now, we can catch up.

Louis: Yeah.

[heavy breathing]

Louis: Got a beer?

Melanie: Sure. In the fridge.

Ordell Robbie: I got this young nineteen year old country girl named Sheronda. I found her on a bus stop two days outta Georgia, barefoot, country as a chicken coop. I took her to my place in Compton, told her it was Hollywood.

Louis: She believed you?

Ordell Robbie: Hell yeah! To her dumb country ass, Compton is Hollywood; closest she's ever been anyway.

Louis: Hey, we gotta go! We're late! Come on, Mel! We gotta go! Let's go!

Melanie: Hey, kiss my ass, fuck wad!

Louis: Hey, keep your fucking mouth shut, all right? I mean it not one fucking word!

Melanie: Okay, Louis...

[Louis pulls a gun and shoots Melanie twice]

Ordell Robbie: [Sits in silence for a few moments, thinking, then finally realizes who stole his money] It's Jackie Brown.

Louis: Well, if she got to it, why didn't she take it all?

Ordell Robbie: I'll be sure to ask that bitch before I blow her brains out.

Louis: [exhales smoke, heavy coughing]

Melanie: You ok?

Louis: Just... gettin' old.

[continues coughing]

Louis: Seems I can't smoke all that now without coughing.

Melanie: Coughing's good! It opens up the capillaries. You know, when you cough you're pulling in air, or in this case - smoke, into parts of the lungs that don't normally get used. So, coughing's good, it gets you higher.

Ordell Robbie: Definitely know a lot about that! Look here Louis, I got to run out for a little while so uh, if you like gettin high so much, why don't you hang out here with Mel' n' watch a little TV.

Louis: Way ahead of ya.

Ordell Robbie: See I get high later on when I come back, see I get high at NIGHT, when I get through with all my business.

Ordell Robbie: Louis, Louis, Louis. You gonna tell me who you saw?

Louis: Yeah, Max Cherry.

Ordell Robbie: Max Che...

[Ordell sighs audibly]

Ordell Robbie: You seen Max Cherry in the dress department where we... Man look at me when I'm talking to you! You see that muthafucka in the dress department when we bout to get a half million dollars and you don't think nothin' 'bout him being there?

Louis: No, why? They know each other?

Ordell Robbie: Hell yeah they know each other! He bonded her out of county.

Louis: How am I supposed to know that?

Ordell Robbie: You know he's a bail bondsman don'tcha? You know all them muthafuckas is crooked as a barrel of snakes don'tcha?

Louis: Why should I think something's weird if I don't know nothing about them knowing each other?

Ordell Robbie: I don't wanna hear no fuckin' excuses Louis!

Louis: I ain't givin' you fuckin' excuses. Man I'm tellin' you I don't fuckin'... I'm giving you fuckin' reasons.

Ordell Robbie: Oh oh oh oh. You gonna tell me the reason you lost every goddamn cent I got in the world?

Louis: Hey. Hey man.

Ordell Robbie: You gonna tell me reasons?

Louis: You better...

Ordell Robbie: Let me tell you the reason muthafucka. The reason IS yo' ass ain't worth shit no more.

Louis: You better fuckin' back off man.

Ordell Robbie: [Ordell shoots Louis] What the fuck happened to you man? Your ass used to be beautiful.

Melanie: When did you get ouf of jail?

Louis: Four days ago.

Melanie: Where at?

Louis: Susanville.

Melanie: How long?

Louis: Two months shy of four years.

Melanie: Four years?

Louis: Uh huh.

Melanie: What for?

Louis: Bank robbery.

Melanie: Really? Shit, I'm impressed.

Louis: [on Melanie] I just felt strange, you know, I thought, if she was your girlfriend...

Ordell Robbie: But you fucked her anyway?

Louis: Well...

Ordell Robbie: Well, I hope you felt appropriately guilty about it afterwards.

Louis: Afterwards, I did.

[They both laugh]

Louis: We can locate almost anyone for anyone anywhere, and we are ideologically promiscuous. We love everybody; we hate everybody. I get my feelings confused.

Louis: [looking at a model kitchen in a department store window] You could have a kitchen like that someday. It costs dearly, but home always does.

Louis: Europe has never been this interesting since Napoleon invaded Russia.

Leo: What are you glaring at?

Louis: On you.

Leo: Watch the movie instead.

Louis: I have a wonderful view from here. A little comedic, mayby.

Leo: Do you have a problem?

Louis: Who are you to ask me?

Leo: Yeah. What is you problem?

Louis: You...

Leo: Me?

Louis: Yes, you!

Leo: Are you not going to watch the film?

Louis: I am watching a cartoon movie here.

Kitjo: [Leo stands in front of the screen] Move. Hello! We are watching the movie. Hey... Hey, Leo, we can't see anything. Can you move?

Leo: [Leo pulls a gun on Louis] What are you doing? You think you are a big-shot, ain't you? You are trash. Do not stick your nose into in my life... You are going to don't give a fuck about mine and Loise's lifes! Do you understand me? You are a psychopath! You are fucked! Fucked! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fucked!

Louis: Go home and change your diapers.

[Leo cocks the gun]

Lenny: Pull the... Can you stop now?

Leo: Do not get involved.

CID 1: Who were you with Louis, who was the bloke in the mask?

Louis: Fucking Zorro.

Louis: You smell that? I think he pissed himself. They do that when they die, right?

Louis: Bitch, you barkin' up the wrong fucking tree. I'm from Oakland, ho. I know two ghetto ass hoes when I see 'em.

Louis: Vampires pretending to be humans, pretending to be vampires.

Claudia: How avant-garde.

Armand: They had forgotten the first lesson, that we are to be powerful, beautiful, and without regret.

Louis: And you can teach me this?

Armand: Yes.

Louis: To be without regret?

Armand: Yes.

Louis: Then what a pair we could make, but what if it's a lesson I don't care to learn?

Armand: What do you mean?

Louis: What if all I have is my suffering, my regret?

Armand: Don't you want to lose it?

Louis: Why? So you can have that too? The heart that mourns her, her that you burnt to a cinder.

Armand: Louis, I swear that I...

Louis: Ah, but I know you did. I know. You, who regrets nothing, you, who feels nothing. If that's all I have left to learn, I can do that on my own.

Claudia: Where's mama?

Lestat: Mama... mama has gone to heaven, Chérie, like that sweet lady right there. They all go to heaven.

Louis: All but us.

Lestat: Shh. Do you want to frighten our little daughter?

Claudia: I'm not your daughter.

Lestat: Oh, yes, you are. You're mine and Louis' daughter now. You see, Louis was going to leave us, he was going to go away, but now he's not. Now, he's going to stay and make you happy.

Claudia: Louis.

Louis: You fiend.

Lestat: One happy family.

Louis: Do you think I would let them harm you?

Claudia: No, you would not, Louis. Danger holds you to me.

Louis: Love holds you to me.

Lestat: No one could resist me, not even you, Louis.

Louis: I tried.

Lestat: [smiling] And the more you tried, the more I wanted you.

Louis: 1791 was the year it happened. I was 24, younger than you are now. But times were different then, I was a man at that age: the master of a large plantation just south of New Orleans. I had lost my wife in childbirth, and she and the infant had been buried less than half a year. I would have been happy to join them. I couldn't bear the pain of their loss. I longed to be released from it. I wanted to lose it all... my wealth, my estate, my sanity. Most of all, I longed for death. I know that now. I invited it. A release from the pain of living. My invitation was open to anyone. To the whore at my side. To the pimp that followed. But it was a vampire that accepted it.

Claudia: You... fed on me.

Louis: Yes. And he found me with you, and he cut his wrist and fed you from it, and you were a vampire and have been every night thereafter.

Claudia: You both did it.

Louis: [crying] I took your life... He gave you another one.

Claudia: And here it is, and I hate you both.

Lestat: The trick is not to think about it. See that one there? Widow St. Clair. She had the gorgeous young fop murder her husband.

Louis: How do you know?

Lestat: Read her thoughts.

[Louis looks at him inquisitively]

Lestat: *Read* her thoughts.

Louis: [attempts to read her thoughts] I can't.

Lestat: The dark gift is different for each of us. But one thing is true for us all, we grow stronger as we go along. Just take my word for it. She blamed a slave for his murder. Imagine what they did to him. Evildoers are easier, and they taste better.

Louis: Bear me no ill will, my love, we are now even.

Claudia: What do you mean?

Louis: What died in that room was not that woman. What has died is the last breath in me that was human.

Claudia: Yes, Father. At last we are even.

Louis: In the spring of 1988, I returned to New Orleans, and as soon as I smelled the air, I knew I was home. It was rich, almost sweet, like the scent of jasmine and roses around our old courtyard. I walked the streets, savoring that long lost perfume.

Louis: Her blood coursed through my veins, sweeter than life itself. And as it did, Lestat's words made sense to me. I knew peace only when I killed and when I heard her heart in that terrible rhythm, I knew again what peace could be.

Louis: You see that old woman? That will never happen to you. You will never grow old, and you will never die.

Claudia: And it means something else too, doesn't it? I shall never ever grow up.

Lestat: Mon dieu, what melancholy nonsense. I swear you grow more like Louis each day. Soon you'll be eating rats!

Claudia: Rats? When did you eat rats, Louis?

Louis: It was a long, long time ago. Before you were born, and I don't recommend them.

Louis: How do we seem to you? Do you find us beautiful, magical? Our white skin, our fierce eyes? "Drink", you ask me, do you have any idea of the thing you will become?

Louis: That morning I was not yet a vampire, and I saw my last sunrise. I remember it completely, and yet I can't recall any sunrise before it. I watched the whole magnificence of the dawn for the last time as if it were the first. And then I said farewell to sunlight, and set out to become what I became.

Claudia: Which one of you did it? One of you did it! Which on of you made me the way I am?

Lestat: What you are? A vampire gone insane that pollutes its own bed?

Claudia: And if I cut my hair again?

Lestat: It will grow back again.

Claudia: But it wasn't always so. I had a mother once, and Louis, he had a wife. He was mortal the same as she and so was I.

Louis: Claudia!

Claudia: You made us what we are, didn't you?

Lestat: Stop her, Louis.

Claudia: Did you do it to me?

[slashes Lestat's face, and it heals immediately]

Claudia: How did you do it?

Lestat: Why should I tell you? It's in my power.

Claudia: Why yours alone? Tell me how it was done.

Lestat: Be glad I made you what you are. You'd be dead now if I hadn't, just like that damned corpse. Now, get rid of it!

Claudia: You get rid of it.

Louis: A little child she was, but also a fierce killer, now capable of the ruthless pursuit of blood with all a child's demanding.

Daniel Molloy: What about crucifixes?

Louis: Crucifixes?

Daniel Molloy: Yes, can you look at them?

Louis: Actually I am quite fond of looking at crucifixes.

Daniel Molloy: What about the old stake through the heart?

Louis: Nonsense

Daniel Molloy: Coffins? What about coffins?

Louis: Coffins. Coffins, I'm afraid, are a necessity.

Yvette: Ummm... Monsieur Louis. You don't want any supper ,no?

Louis: No, ma chère.

Yvette: We're worried about you, master. Why is it that you don't go riding in the field? And how long since you've been to the slave quarter? Everywhere there is death. Are you still our master at all?

Louis: That will be all, Yvette!

Yvette: I will not go unless you listen to me! You must, you must send away this friend of yours. The slaves, they are all frightened of him... and they are frightened of you.

[touches Louis's hand]

Louis: I'm frightened of myself.

[indulges in close contact with Yvette. Then begins to bite her wrist. She starts to scream out. For a moment he is too caught up in biting her. She cries out louder and he snaps into reality. He puts his hand over her mouth, wrestles her to the floor and kills her]

Louis: [Louis walks outside carrying Yvette's lifeless body. He speaks to the slaves who have come to see what all the screaming was about] Hear me now! This place is cursed, damned, and yes, your master is the devil! Get out while you can! You are all free men! You hear me?

[Louis gives Yvette to a nearby slave and takes hold of a torch]

Louis: Run, flee, save yourselves!

[waves torch wildly at slaves to make them leave and then goes inside to set the house on fire]

Louis: Where are we?

Lestat: Where do you think, my idiot friend? We're in a nice, filthy cemetery. Does this make you happy? Is this fitting, proper enough?

Louis: We belong in hell.

Lestat: And what if there is no hell, or they don't want us there? Ever think of that?

Louis: But there was a hell, and no matter where we moved to, I was in it.

Louis: I'm flesh and blood, but not human. I haven't been human for two hundred years.

Claudia: Madeleine, Louis is shy.

Madeleine: Drink.

Claudia: Do it, Louis, because I cannot, I haven't the strength. You saw to that when you made me.

Louis: You haven't the vaguest conception under God what you ask.

Madeleine: Au contraire, Monsieur, I have.

Claudia: You have found your new companion, Louis. You will make me mine.

Daniel Molloy: So, what do you do?

Louis: I'm a vampire.

Daniel Molloy: Hmm. That's something I've never heard before. You mean this literally, I take it?

Louis: Absolutely. I was waiting for you in that alleyway: watching you watching me. And then you began to speak.

Daniel Molloy: What a lucky break for me.

Louis: Perhaps lucky for the both of us.

Daniel Molloy: You said you were waiting for me. What were you going to do? Kill me, drink my blood, all that stuff?

Louis: Yes, but you needn't be concerned with that now.

Daniel Molloy: You really believe this, don't you, that you're a vampire?

Louis: We can't begin this way. Let me turn on the light.

Daniel Molloy: I thought vampires didn't like the light.

Louis: We love it. I only wanted to prepare you.

Lestat: It's your coffin, my love. Enjoy it. Most of us never get to know what it feels like.

Louis: Why do you do this?

Lestat: I like to do it. I enjoy it. Take your aesthete's taste to purer things, kill them swiftly, if you will, but do it. For do not doubt: you are a killer, Louis.

Lestat: Lord, what I wouldn't give for a drop of good old-fashioned Creole blood.

Louis: Yankees are not to your taste?

Lestat: Their democratic flavor doesn't suit my palate, Louis.

Daniel Molloy: So there are no vampires in Transylvania? No Count Dracula?

Louis: Fictions, my friend. The vulgar fictions of a demented Irishman.

Claudia: Louis, what's happening to her?

Louis: She is dying. It happened to you, too, but you were too young to remember.

Louis: The statue seemed to move, but didn't. The world had changed, yet stayed the same. I was a newborn vampire weeping at the beauty of the night.

Louis: Though the fire seemed to spread through the quarter, I stood on that deck, fearful he would come out again from the very river, like some monster, to destroy us both. And all the while, I thought, 'Lestat, you deserve your vengeance. You gave me the dark gift, and I delivered you into the hands of death for the second time.'

Louis: Then out of curiosity, boredom, who knows what, I left the old world and came back to my America. And there, a mechanical wonder allowed me to see the sun rise for the first time in two hundred years. And what sunrises, seen as the human eye could never see them: silver at first, then, as the years progressed, in tones of purple, red, and my long lost blue.

Louis: So it was, when I'd given up the search for vampires, that a vampire found me.

Lestat: Claudia... Claudia. Claudia! What have you done?

Claudia: What you told me to do!

Louis: Leave a corpse here to rot?

Claudia: I wanted her. I wanted to be her!

Louis: We reached the Mediterranean. I wanted those waters to be blue, but they were black, nighttime waters, and how I suffered then, straining to recall the color that in my youth I had taken for granted.

Louis: For 30 years I had avoided that place. Yet I found my way back there with hardly an upward glance.

Louis: Lestat killed two, sometimes three a night. A fresh young girl, that was his favorite for the first of the evening. For seconds, he preferred a gilded beautiful youth. But the snob in him loved to hunt in society, and the blood of the aristocrat thrilled him best of all.

Louis: Claudia, don't!

Claudia: [Beginning to cut her hair] Why not? Can't I change, like everybody else?

Armand: You are beautiful, my friend. Lestat must have wept when he made you.

Louis: Lestat? You knew Lestat?

Armand: Knew him well enough not to mourn his passing

Daniel Molloy: What did you see?

Louis: No words can describe it. May as well ask Heaven what it sees; no human can know.

Lestat: Perfect! Just perfect! Just burn the place! Burn everything we own! Have us sleeping in the field like cattle!

Louis: You thought you could have it all...

Lestat: Oh, shut up, Louis! Mon Dieu! Come here.

Louis: We kept to ourselves, pondering the mystery of each other.

Daniel Molloy: So a vampire can cry.

Louis: Once, maybe twice in his own eternity. Maybe it was to quench those tears forever that I took such revenge on them.

Lestat: Whining coward of a vampire that prowls the night killing rats and poodles; you could have finished us both.

Louis: You've condemned me to Hell.

Lestat: I don't know any Hell.

Louis: They know about us. They watch us dine on empty plates and drink from empty glasses.

Louis: Thirty years had passed, yet her body remained that of an eternal child. Her eyes alone told the story of her age, staring out from under her doll-like curls, with a questioning that will one day need an answer.

Louis: My God, I've failed again.

New Orleans Whore: [fearful whispering] It's a coffin, it's a coffin.

Lestat: What's that, my love?

New Orleans Whore: It's a coffin.

Lestat: Why, so it is. You must be dead.

New Orleans Whore: I'm not dead, am I?

Louis: No, you are not dead.

Lestat: Not yet.

Louis: We searched village after village, country after country. And always we found nothing. I began to believe we were the only ones. There was a strange comfort in that thought. For what could the damned really have to say to the damned?

Louis: Whatever happened to Lestat I do not know. I go on, night after night. I feed on those who cross my path. But all my passion went with her golden hair. I'm a spirit of preternatural flesh. Detached. Unchangeable. Empty.

Yvette: [to Louis] Are you not hungry, sir?

Lestat: Aux contraire, mon cher, he could eat the whole colony.

[starts to laugh]

Louis: [as Yvette starts to pick up Louis's plate, he grabs her arm and looks at the veins in her neck] I'll finish it, Yvette. Now leave us.

Louis: You lack the courage of your convictions, sir. Do it!

[first lines]

Louis: So you want me to tell you the story of my life?

Lestat: Come to New Orleans, then. The Paris Opera's in town. We can try some French cuisine.

Louis: Forgive me if I have a lingering respect for mortal life.

Louis: But the world was a tomb to me, a graveyard of broken statues, and each of those statues resembled her face.

Louis: I walked all night, I walked as I had walked years before when my mind swam with guilt at the thought of killing. I had thought of all the things I had done, and couldn't undo. And I longed for a moment's peace.

Louis: Blood, I was to find, was a necessity as well. I woke the next evening with a hunger I had never felt.

Lestat: There's nothing in the world now that doesn't hold some sort of...

Louis: Fascination.

Lestat: Yes. I'm bored of this prattle.

Louis: But if we can live without taking human life? It's possible.

Lestat: Anything's possible. Just try it for a week. Come to New Orleans. Let me show you some real sport.

Louis: Perhaps you'd like another cigarette?

Daniel Molloy: Yeah, I suppose I would. It's not bothering you, is it?

Louis: No.

Daniel Molloy: No, I don't assume that it would be, I mean, it's not like you're gonna die from cancer or anything, is it?

Louis: No, I don't think so.

Lestat: Do you still want death or is this enough?

Louis: Enough.

Louis: I want to give her everything. And I want to take everything from her.

Alan: Oh Louis, you're a lost man.

Louis: Whore! Liar! Thief! Don't you see? Don't you see that I cannot breath without you? I cannot live without you? Don't you see that? Don't you see how much I love you?

Louis: Laugh when I tell you that I still love you.

Julia: No, not me. You don't love me.

Louis: Oh yes. Oh yes. Yes, you. Not Julia Russel, Not Bonny Castle. You. I love you as I know you. Because I know you. As you are. Good and bad. Better and worse. I told you this already, but you didn't believe me. Tonigh you will. To us. A short life but an exciting life. (TAKES POISON)

Julia: Don't do that.

Louis: No other one. No other love but you. From first to last. Start to finish. Don't change, Julia. Don't ever change.

Louis: Have you no conscience at all? I mean...

Julia: Yes of course I do. But you see, I don't let it get the best of me. It's just something that happened. It had to be done. And when something has to be done, you do it, right? So here's to us, a short life, but an exciting one.

Louis: She's not coming back, is she, Sarah?

Sara: She never was here. You were married to a dream. A dream that stole your soul. God must have been angry with you the day he let you look in that woman's face.

Louis: I don't dance.

Julia: I say you do.

Louis: Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So the way he sees it, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. It's just a matter of how you look at it, that's all. So don't worry, okay? Okay?

Jacob: You know you look like an angel, Louie? Like an overgrown cherub. Anyone ever tell you that?

Louis: [smiling] Yeah, you. Every time you see me.

Jacob: You're a lifesaver, Louie.

Louis: [smiling] Yeah, I know.

Louis: Well, you've done it to yourself this time, haven't you?

Jacob Singer: Am I dying, Louie?

Louis: From a slipped disk? That'll be a first.

Louis: If you have stronger legs but a weak brain you won't know how to run faster. You have to change the brain.

Randy: [to Louis, who holds a gun] I have a little girl.

Louis: So what?

[Louis shoots him]

Louis: What? Uh, you're gonna take a flamethrower for a rat?

Jacques: No, obesity-breath. This is no ordinary flamethrower. See, I modified this baby myself. I just find the rat, aim, and... kazoom.

[the two exterminators arrive]

Louis: I can't believe they called us in to find one stupid rat. How the hell are we supposed to find one rat?

[turns on TV]

Jacques: What are you doing?

Louis: I'm watchin' the game. Hey, I mean, we already caught the rat anyway. Huh? Huh?

Jacques: You see that's exactly what's wrong with this country. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore.

[holds up flamethrower]

Jacques: I do. I'm a professional.

Louis: [not paying attention] What'd you say?

Jacques: Nothin', nevermind.

Louis: If days of the week had a color, what would Tuesday be?

Nathan: Sky blue!

Angry: Navy. No, uh, dark brown.

Louis: Like a chocolate!

Christine: How's the chicken?

Louis: Dead.