Lou Brown Quotes in Major League (1989)

[Willie Mays Hayes has just made a 'basket catch' to end the inning]

Lou Brown: Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.

Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don't fuck with me, Vaughn.

Rick Vaughn: Yeah?

[shouting]

Rick Vaughn: Fuck you.

Roger Dorn: What's the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?

Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole.

Lou Brown: All right,

[shouting]

Lou Brown: All right. Knock that shit off.

Roger Dorn: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit.

Lou Brown: Shut up, Dorn.

Lou Brown: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please?

[picks up a bat and leans on it like a walking stick]

Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about.It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.

Roger Dorn: Even me?

Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.

Eddie Harris: What if we DON'T finish last?

Lou Brown: She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.

Jake Taylor: [Jake stands up] Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Roger Dorn: What's that?

Jake Taylor: Win the whole fucking thing.

[long pause]

Willie Mays Hayes: [Willie stands up] Yeah.

Pedro Cerrano: [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!

[everyone talks amongst themselves]

[Rookie pitcher Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game]

Lou Brown: Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.

[to Hayes]

Lou Brown: You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.

[Rick thinks he's been cut from the team]

Rick Vaughn: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up you're fuckin' ass!

[Throws baseball against locker]

Lou Brown: Good, I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn't cut you.

Rick Vaughn: What?

Lou Brown: I think someone's been having some fun with you.

[a naked Lou Brown tries to take a bath, but the whirlpool is broken]

Lou Brown: I've had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I'm gonna get that bitch on the phone!

Rachel Phelps: [enters the locker room] You wanted to talk to the bitch?

Lou Brown: Yeah!

Rachel Phelps: Don't you think you oughta cover yourself with a towel first, Mr. Brown?

Lou Brown: We're out of towels, and I'm too old to go diving into lockers.

Rachel Phelps: I can take it if you can.

Willie Mays Hayes: [waking up to find himself outside with the others already running] Shit! I've been cut already?

[runs in his pajamas along with the two players already being timed]

Pepper Leach: Who the hell is that?

[Hayes overtakes the other 2 players despite their head start. Leach shows his time on the stopwatch to Lou Brown]

Lou Brown: Get him a uniform.

Lou Brown: [Cerrano arrives at spring training] Who is that?

Charlie Donovan: Must be Cerrano. Defected from Cuba, wanted religious freedom.

Lou Brown: What's his religion?

Charlie Donovan: Voodoo.

Lou Brown: Hey, Jake. Hows the knees holding up?

Jake Taylor: Great! Never been better.

Lou Brown: Mobility's good? No problem getting off the throw to second?

Jake Taylor: No problemo.

Lou Brown: I need a catcher, Jake. Someone who can lead this team on the field. But I want the absolute truth, here, are you one-hundred percent?

Jake Taylor: Yeah, would I bullshit you about something like that?

Lou Brown: You better, if you wanna make this team.

Roger Dorn: Lou! Can I have a word with you, here?

Lou Brown: Sure.

Roger Dorn: See, I've got it right here in my contract. It says, "I don't have to do any calisthenics that I don't feel are necessary." So what do you think about that?

Lou Brown: [drops the contract on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]

Lou Brown: [experimenting Vaughn] Okay Vaughn. They say you're a pitcher, you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves on this level, son. Understood? All right, let's see what you can do.

[Vaughn pitches and hits the backstop fence]

Lou Brown: Nice Velocity.

Pepper Leach: Sounded Like it.

Jake Taylor: Jesus!

Lou Brown: How Much?

Duke Temple: [looking at his velocity gun] 96.

Lou Brown: [to Temple] We better teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.

Lou Brown: I thought you said we didn't have any high priced talent.

Charlie Donovan: Forget about Dorn, he's just high priced.

Pepper Leach: [Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle] Look at this fuckin'guy.

Lou Brown: My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.

[the Indians General Manager calls minor league coach Lou Brown at Tire World to offer him a position with the Indians]

Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

Lou Brown: [Lou's talk to the team before the opening day game] All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!

[entire team laughs]

Charlie Donovan: [Taylor arrives to spring training] There's Jake Taylor.

Lou Brown: He was an all-star in Boston, wasn't he?

Charlie Donovan: Yeah, wound up in the Mexican League. Had problems with his knees.

Pepper Leach: Wish we had him two years ago.

Charlie Donovan: We did.

[Dressed in tuxedos, every team member, except Willie, stands behind Home Plate and looks at us]

Everybody: Hello. Do you know us?

[Everybody, except Rick, puts on their caps]

Everybody: We're a Major League Baseball team.

Jake Taylor: But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.

Eddie Harris: That's why we carry the American Express card.

Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.

Pedro Cerrano: [pointing to us] So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.

Roger Dorn: Look what it's done for US. People still DON'T recognize us but...

[Roger snaps his fingers]

Lou Brown: We're contenders now.

[Also dressed in a tuxedo, Willie slides into home plate and holds up a green credit card]

Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.

Eddie Harris: Hey, Lou. Aren't we gonna have a prayer?

[Dorn rolls his eyes and sighs]

Eddie Harris: I mean, uh, we're not all savages, like Cerrano over there.

Pedro Cerrano: Cállate, cabrón!

Lou Brown: You guys go ahead.

Eddie Harris: Oh, well, ok. Uh, let's, all bow our heads.

Roger Dorn: Excuse me I'll be in my office.

[Dorn folds his newspaper, rises from his chair and walks out, making a fanning gesture behind his backside]

Eddie Harris: Dear heavenly father, we humbly pray that you will guide...

[Cerrano ignites his ritual smoke with his cigar, which explodes with a loud bang]

Eddie Harris: Jesus Christ Cerrano!

Pedro Cerrano: Have to wake up bat!

Eddie Harris: Ok, shit. Can we try this again?

Lou Brown: Oh, this old body could use a soak...

Roger Dorn: Yeah, but you won't like it too much,'cuase it ain't working again.

Lou Brown: Dammit, I thought that they were gonna replace this thing!

Eddie Harris: [Coming in] Hey! there's no hot water in here!

Lou Brown: I've had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I want that bitch on the phone!

Rachel Phelps: [Coming in] You wanna talk to the bitch?

Lou Brown: Yeah.

Rachel Phelps: Shouldn't you cover yourself up with a towel, Mr. Brown?

Lou Brown: We're out of towels. And I'm too old to go diving into lockers.

Rachel Phelps: I can take it if you can.

Lou Brown: What happened to the new whirlpool we were supposed to get?

Rachel Phelps: Our budget has forced us to cut back on equipment.

Rachel Phelps: [Knocks on Vaughn's athletic cup]

Rachel Phelps: ooh, cups still work though. Guess you're gonna have to fix the old whirlpool.

Lou Brown: We've fixed it six times already! Now there's no hot water in the shower!

Rachel Phelps: The pipes in this building are old and rusty.

Lou Brown: How am I supposed to take care of my players with no hot water and no therapy equipment?

Rachel Phelps: Your players have to get a little tougher. What are they a bunch of pansies?

[while holding a pair of leopard briefs]

Rachel Phelps: [the rest of the team makes an obscene gesture behind her back]

Lou Brown: Over 162 games and even tough guys get strains... Sore arms... Muscle pulls...

Rachel Phelps: It's only temporary. If I can get anybody to watch this team none of this would be necessary.

Rachel Phelps: [walking out]

Rachel Phelps: You're lucky I can still afford to pay your salary.

Lou Brown: Well, you can run like Hays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you should be hitting the ball on the ground and be legging them out. Everytime I see you hit one in the air, you owe me 20 push-ups.

Willie Mays Hayes: Hey, no problem!

[pops a ball up]

Willie Mays Hayes: Shit.

[does push-ups]

Lou Brown: [Dorn drives up in a fancy car] I thought you said you didn't have any high-priced talent on this team.

Charlie Donovan: Forget Dorn, because he's only high-priced. Picked him up as a free-agent three years ago.

Lou Brown: Still hits the ball well, doesn't he?

Charlie Donovan: Yeah, just can't field it.

[Dorn gives a cocky gesture]

Lou Brown: We'll shape him up.

Lou Brown: C'mon Dorn, get in front of the damn ball. Don't give me this *ole* bullshit.

Roger Dorn: Hey, I took one in the eye last year, I'm not about to lose my sight.

Lou Brown: I'm deeply moved, every time you play one off your hips, you owe me 40 situps.

Roger Dorn: [In disbelief] What?

Harry Doyle: [after Vaughn accidentally hits Coleman of the Yankees] Uh, oh.

Lou Brown: Interesting.

Harry Doyle: [Seeing the Umpire throw out Vaughn] 'Bout time it's Eight nothing.

Umpire: You, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: What?

Umpire: You hear me, you're gone.

Rick Vaughn: He was on top of the plate.

Heywood: Oh, c'mon that's horseshit.

Lou Brown: [to Pepper] I think you can get him out of there.

Rick Vaughn: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident.

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

Rick Vaughn: Oh, kiss my ass.

Umpire: Get out of here.

Rick Vaughn: You're full of shit, fuck you!

Umpire: Get out of here, rookie.

Rick Vaughn: Hey, why don't you blow me, ump?

[Roger Dorn puts little effort into catching a line drive]

Lou Brown: Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don't give me this "olé" bullshit!

Pepper Leach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batters] You want me to go get him?

Lou Brown: No, keep him in. Let's see how he reacts.

Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter] Interesting.

Lou Brown: What happened to the new whirlpool we're supposed to get?

Rachel Phelps: We're having a few problems that have forced us to cut back on equipment.

[taps Vaughn's cup]

Rachel Phelps: Ooh! Cups still work, though. We simply have to fix the old whirlpool.

Lou Brown: Yep, that's 6 times already. Now there is no hot water in the shower.

Rachel Phelps: The pipes in this building are old and rusty.

Eddie Harris: [looking at Vaughn's new glasses] Hey, man, they look nice. I had a pair just like them.

Rick Vaughn: Well, after the game I'm gonna go pick out a pair that's more me.

Eddie Harris: Good luck.

Lou Brown: They look good. Besides, seeing is the most important thing, son.

Willie Mays Hayes: I don't think it's that important.

Rick Vaughn: [looking back into mirror] Fuck...

Lou Brown: [after seeing Cerrano hit a few fastballs out of the park] Jesus, this guy hits a ton, how come no one else picked up on him?

Duke Temple: Alrght Eddie, that's enough fastballs throw'em some breaking balls.

[Then, Eddie throws Cerrano a curve ball, which Cerrano swings and misses]

Lou Brown: Two hands, Hayes!

Lou Brown: Come on, you're not going to let her get you down, are you? You guys won last year just to spite her. Maybe, she's what we need.

Jake Taylor: Oh, Skip, they were a different team last year.

Lou Brown: Taylor, it's not your job to make excuses. That's all you guys do good! It's either a *leg* thing or a *spiritual* thing, or a *psychological* thing, or a *heart attack*!

Jake Taylor: Who used heart attack?

Lou Brown: Me.

[collapses from a heart attack]

Lou Brown: How can you sell my best player without asking me?

Roger Dorn: I'm on my ass, tapped out. I'm even going to be able to make next month's payroll.

Lou Brown: Geez.

Roger Dorn: But I didn't sell Parkman outright. I got you an outfielder. He used to play for the Giants.

Lou Brown: Franklin?

Roger Dorn: Not those Giants.

Lou Brown: Parkman, I saw your little interview in this morning's paper. You're benched for two games and if you ever rip any of your teammates like that,

Jack Parkman: [interrupting] Save your breath.

Lou Brown: What did you just say?

Jack Parkman: You oughta listen to the radio more, Lou. Your biggest gun just got traded to Chicago. As a matter of fact, your only gun. Au revoir.

Lou Brown: OK, we won a game yesterday. If we win today, it's called "two in a row". And if we win again tomorrow, it's called a "winning streak"... It has happened before!

Rube Baker: Wow, Willie's really got some power.

Lou Brown: Off a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks!

Jake Taylor: [visiting Lou in the hospital] Hey, you're lookin' good, Lou.

Lou Brown: Forget about me. I'm fine. You gotta talk to the team, Jake. Give 'em hell. Let 'em know they're too damn good to roll over and play dead.

Jake Taylor: Will do, Skip. And, hey, we'll win this one for you.

[goes to leave]

Lou Brown: Hey, Taylor.

Lou Brown: Promise me one thing.

Jake Taylor: Sure. What?

Lou Brown: When you talk to the team, don't give 'em one of them "let's win one for Lou" corny speeches. I couldn't stand that.

Lou Brown: [after the Indians take the lead, Lou is using his Transistor radio to listen to the game] Now we're starting to roll, boys.

Lou's Nurse: Are you alright, Mr. Brown?

Lou Brown: Uh, yeah. I love this British stuff.

[the scene goes to the small TV which has 2 British women drinking tea]

Lou Brown: [after Parkman hits a home run, putting the White Sox Back in the Lead] Damn.

[Looks to his nurse]

Lou Brown: This is tragic stuff.

[after Ceranno hits a home run, putting the Indians back in the lead]

Lou Brown: Good one, Pedro. Big knock, baby. Big knock

Lou's Nurse: [after the Indians win the ALCS, Lou is jumping up and down on his bed] Mr. Brown. What are you doing?

Lou Brown: I love this shit, I may move to England

[falls into his bed in excitment]