Lou Quotes in Cats & Dogs (2001)

Lou: I'm on to you, kitty, and you're in big trouble!

Russian Blue: I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble!

Lou: I've never met a stray.

Ivy: Actually, I prefer "domestically challenged".

Scotty: Loser.

Lou: Cat person.

Lou: I think that if I'm going to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation".

Peek: Nah, he's a pro wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.

Lou: Alright then, "Doom Machine" it is!

Butch: Hey! You can call yourself Squicky the Spacedog for all I care, but that doesn't make you behind a rocket pack. You are not an agent.

Lou: I changed my mind... call me the Claw of Ling Chou!

Ninja Cat #3: Ling Chou this!

[kicks Lou]

[Lou and the Russian cat are rolling on the floor fighting]

Lou: Get off me, you furball!

Russian Blue: You fight like a poodle.

Lou: Well, Miss Challenged, I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave. My orders are clear. I -...

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Orders?

Lou: That's right. I'm a secret agent.

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: An agent? Why, you're a little small for an agent. Shouldn't you be busy having fun?

Lou: I don't have time for fun.

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Ew! tough guy.

Lou: You should've fought for me; for my family.

Butch: Why? What good would it do?

Lou: What about man's best friend? History 101, remember?

Butch: Okay, well, here's lesson number two: we help them. We work for them. We tolerate that stupid boochy-boochy baby talk crap. And for WHAT? So that when they go off to college, they can dump you off with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as breaking her HIP!

Lou: Is that it, then? You're gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?

Butch: Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down.

Mr. Tinkles: Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow. How many dogs does it take to over throw mankind? Just one stupid puppy.

Lou: Where is my family?

Mr. Tinkles: Oh they're alive, for now, but it won't matter, you see I've-

[the limousine swerves all over the road Mr Tinkles hits the left side of the limousine]

Mr. Tinkles: Oh my. This isn't NASCAR you idiot.

[Clears throat]

Mr. Tinkles: I have seized the formula, and in mere hours I will I'll reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs.

Butch: What?

[the limousine swerves again]

Mr. Tinkles: How am supposed to gloat gleefully when you're driving like a chimpanzee? I mean really?

[Clears throat]

Mr. Tinkles: Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your regit kind, and with you all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be cast out, leaving me to lead all of cat kind in the glorious revolution to conquer the world!

[laughs evilly]

Lou: What will we do?

Butch: "We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever. There is nothing left to do.

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: You always give up to easy Butch.

Butch: Is that what I think it is?

Lou: What Butch?

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Yep, it's the cat tracker 2000.

Mr. Tinkles: [the Scene changes The limousine is driving back to the factory with the professor's Formula] Those fleabags must be running for the hills.

[Chuckles]

Calico: Yeah I- yeah that's what I was thinking.

Butch: Okay, what do we got?

Peek: It's a kitten, A Russian blue!

Sam: And a number 2 and sector three.

Lou: Was she crazy? That steamer was bigger than me.

Butch: Nice work kid, You're sitting this one out. Sam, let me know when she leaves.

Sam: I don't see her.

Lou: But I was framed that cat. wait up, I want to help.

Sam: [Mrs Brody opens the front door and sees Peek and Sam] Look out human, sector four.

Peek: Human!, quick Sam, sniff my but.

Mrs. Mom Brody: Alright Break, it up! Break it up! Break it up!.

Peek: Cold nose!

Sam: Cold nose! Let's go.

Butch: Alright agent, let's meet the team.

Lou: Agent whoa.

Butch: Kid, look over there, that's Peek.

Lou: Peek? I don't get it.

Butch: Peek, show yourself.

[Peek appears from a man hole in a circle see through like tube under a bin]

Lou: Huh? oh my god!

Butch: Peek's early warning, He's got it all, Radar, sonar, thermo-imaging, odor-matrix. He can detect a non-residential cat from three blocks away.

Peek: Hi guys.

Butch: Peek, fall in.

Peek: Roger that.

Butch: Sam what's your twenty?

Sam: 1/18 of a kick east, I'm going to backtrack using a delta approach in three... two... one.

[Sam moves from bush to bush]

Peek: Hi guys. Oh no not again.

Sam: Where am I?

[Sam then rolls over to half way of the road]

Butch: Over here Sam.

[Sam then meets up with the others]

Sam: Request, permission to pant, heavily, sir

Butch: Granted. Boys I want you to meet, Lou.

Peek: Hey louie

Sam: Hey Lou

Peek: Human!

[as the the jogger jogs past she sees Butch near a fire hydrant, Peek digging in the ground and Sam holding a newspaper in his mouth]

Butch: Anyway, Lou here taking Buddy's spot in the hot seat, but Being fresh from the academy, he's current on the newest techniques, ain't you Lou?

Lou: Err, Hey guys, do you know this one? Here I go, here I go, I got ya, oh I just missed ya.

[Lou chases his tail]

Butch: Holy Chihuahua.

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: [Ivy is ticking Lou's belly] Stop with the agent stuff okay? You got you're very own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted.

[she stops and walks away Lou gets up]

Lou: wow, hey! Where you're going? Could you do that again?

[Ivy stops and looks back]

Ivy, the Female Alley Dog: Next time the boy talks to you, just tilt your head and perk up your ears. You're see what I'm talking about. And do we a favor, tell Butch Ivy's back in town.

Lou: [Lou has been taken outside my Scotty] Okay, here's the plan: Get off this patio. Get back to the barn. Get a better pitchfork huh?

[Lou sees A bone with balloons floating to the ground]

Lou: cool...

[He walks up to the bone once it landed about to torch it when he is interrupted by Butch]

Butch: I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

Lou: Huh? what?

Butch: I like you're spirit kid. But do me a favor and step back.

Lou: Hey wait, that's my best...

[Lou steps back and Butch kicks a stick to the bone causing it to explode]

Lou: Bone!.

Butch: Now, that would've been the shortest assignment in history.

[walks off]

Lou: Whoa... Hey where you're going?

Butch: I guess HQ don't train you guys, like they used too...

Lou: Training? Hey, hey. Who exactly are you?

Butch: Names, Butch. What stupid name did the bipeds saddle you with? Spot? Fifi? Rover?

Lou: Lou...

Butch: -god, forbid. Oh, Lou? sorry.

Lou: Is that kid always so grumpy? Maybe they should switch his food.

[laughs]

Butch: Yeah, humans can get a bit emotional. You get used to it, come on.

[Lou and Butch walk into a dog house. Butch presses a red button which makes devices come out of the walls]

Lou: Huh? Where's that coming from? whoa... cool...

Butch: What? It's standard equipment. You got you're EC-three vid-phone, research archive database, cipher charts, Snausages.

Lou: [lou sees a big red button] Hey what's this?

Butch: Heel! That's the big button. You don't just press, the big button Jeez...

Lou: Sorry.

Butch: Just, try to remember you're training

[Butch sighs]

Butch: Let's get started. Here's the skinny: Your new master's a scientist. He's been working for a few years now. He's been working on a cure for dog allergies. It's a big deal, because if no one in the world was allergic to dogs. We have the advantage. This was your predecessor: Agent: AIKA Buddy. He was catnapped, about a mouth ago. Wasn't on top of his game, so he had to retire. He got a nice condo in Boca, huh! lucky dog. Anyway you're here to replace him, and to keep the cats away from the formula. Can't let them, near that... Now come on.

Lou: Tab Lazenby. So you're the new fat cat at MEOWS. And by that, I mean you should really switch to skimmed milk.

Tab Lazenby: Oh, Lou, so catty. I see they've given you the key to the executive dumpster. All that butt-sniffing finally payed off.

Diggs: Alright team, we got work to do.

Butch: You're not going anywhere.

Diggs: What? Why not?

Butch: Because you don't have your new collar... Agent.

Seamus: Go ahead with you bad self, Bling!

Lou: You guys ready to do this?

Catherine: Work with a bunch of dogs again? How could I say no.

Seamus: Absolutely! Wait we're talking about lunch right?

Diggs: Alright team, Lets go kick some tail.

Lou: What you is writing in that little book about?

Gator McKlusky: I'm writin the story of my life, Darlin'

Lou: Yea?... Am I in it?

Gator McKlusky: You're workin on it.

Lou: Valium, prozac, and ritalin. Breakfast of champions.

Moon's Associate: What if we don't want to play?

[Moon shoots him]

Moon: THEN DON'T! ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

Lou: Yes. Where can I get this CD?

Moon: You like Prado?

Lou: Yes. Makes you want to dance.

Marcus: Let's just say that once upon a time, there were 3 bears

Lou: Oh God, not another story!

D: Yeah Marcus, just spit it out!

Marcus: The bears went out one day looking for food which was other bears

Lou: Ah, cannibalistic bears!

Marcus: And when these 3 bears got back to their house, they found little Goldilocks sleeping in their bed. Just before they could eat her, Papa bear said, 'Now just wait, we're cannibalistic bears!'

D: Yes, yes we are

Lou: I wanna be Mama bear

D: *Three* bears

Marcus: Ah, the bears. Goldilocks is tasty to us so Goldilocks must be tasty to other bears, and what we really would like to eat is other bears, so why don't we use Goldilocks as a trap for the other bears. And all the bears nodded their heads and thought it was good, so they did. Goldilocks was a very good trap for the other bears, and the 3 bears went back home to their nice homes at night, simply stuffed to the gills with bear. Yum yum!

D: So who do we use for bait? Not Goldilocks

Lou: Not who, but what

Marcus: Precisely

D: Im lost

Lou: Of course you are, you're stupid!

Lou: Marcus, why is everybody saying you're stupid?

Lou: [after discovering Stingray's fish tank and looking very puzzled] ... What's Stingray have eyeballs in a fish tank for?

Stingray: You shouldn't have come here Lou. Me and Anna were having a nice time until you showed up.

Lou: Are you crazy!... She's DEAD... Wait I didn't mean that!

Goldie Wilson: [rushes up to George] Say! Why do you let those boys push you around like that for?

George McFly: Well, they're bigger than me.

Goldie Wilson: Stand tall, boy. Have some respect for yourself. Don't you know, if you let people walk over you now, they'll be walking over you for the rest of your life. Look at me. You think I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in this slop house?

Lou: Watch it, Goldie.

Goldie Wilson: No, sir! I'm gonna make something of myself. I'm going to night school, and one day, I'm gonna be somebody!

Marty McFly: That's right! He's gonna be mayor.

Goldie Wilson: Yeah, I'm...

[smiles, one of his front teeth is gold]

Goldie Wilson: Mayor! Now *that's* a good idea! I could run for mayor.

Lou: A colored mayor. That'll be the day.

Goldie Wilson: You wait and see, Mr. Caruthers. I *will* be mayor! I'll be the most powerful man in Hill Valley, and I'm gonna clean up this town.

Lou: Good. You can start by sweeping the floor.

[hands Goldie a broom]

Goldie Wilson: [stands tall with a hand over his heart] Mayor Goldie Wilson. I like the sound of that.

[collects George's dishes]

Lou: You gonna order something, kid?

Marty McFly: Ah, yeah. Give me- Give me a Tab.

Lou: Tab? I can't give you a tab unless you order something.

Marty McFly: Right. Give me a Pepsi Free.

Lou: You want a Pepsi, pal, you're gonna pay for it.

Chief Wiggum: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!

Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.

[he and the mobsters walk off with the body]

Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.

Chief Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.

RJ: [Lays down some Monopoly play pieces to signify what they will do] Okay, this is us.

Hammy the Squirrel: Can I be the car?

Bucky: I wanna be the car!

Spike: I'm the car. You be the shoe.

Bucky: The shoe is lame.

Lou: Why don't you be that snazzy-looking iron there?

RJ: Hey! It's not important. Besides, I'm the car. I'm *always* the car.

RJ: That is an S.U.V; Humans ride in then because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.

Penny: Jeepers, its so big!

Lou: How many humans fit in there?

RJ: Usually, one.

RJ: Please don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I think I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise.

[Points at map]

RJ: Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here.

[All gasp]

RJ: No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather up a bunch of food, store it away for the winter?

Hammy the Squirrel: Aha! We fill the log!

Verne: Hammy.

RJ: Really? This log? This cave-like log?

Ozzie: All the way to the top.

Verne: Ozzie.

RJ: Let me ask ya, how long's it take, you know, to fill the log?

Heather: Two-hundred and seventy-four days.

RJ: Ooh! Ever done it in a week?

Verne: That's impossible.

RJ: Not if we work together. You see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food.

Heather: How much food?

RJ: Loads of food! Heaps of food! Food out the wazoo!

Verne: Well, you know, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I really don't think we're interested in eating.

Lou: I don't know. The guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.

Penny: Yeah. I'm okay with wazoo food there.

Dr. Dennis: [On TV] Get real, Kevin, 'cause when you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag. Right? So just own it. Say it out loud: "I am a dirtbag."

Lou: Dirtbag? I don't think that guy's a real doctor.

Lou: Hey, Verno. I took a few clippings out of my quills to do a little comparison. Look at this, the grass seems to be greener over here.

Bucky: [while driving the van, the others are arguing] Hey, no fighting while we're driving!

Spike: We will turn this car around, mister!

[pause]

Lou: [points at Verne] He started it.

Penny: Jeepers!

Lou: "Jeepers" is the word, alright!

Sam: [after being shot with a ray gun] I smell cooking, man. Some thing's cooking.

Lou: What are you talking about?

Sam: Smells like somebody making hamburgers.

Lou: Damn Sam. It's you.

Sam: It is?

[looks at his wound and dies]

Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script; why did you add it?

Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou: What situation?

Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!

Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.

Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."

Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!

Daniel: Well, it's voiceover. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better.

[as God]

Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke!

Lou: Actors.

Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?

[the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs]

Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.

Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.

Daniel: [imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.

Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen, buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.

Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou."

Daniel: [ad-libbing as Pudgy the Parrot] Oh, I will not do this! I cannot! Oh what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't wanna get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!

Lou: Alright, cut! Cut!

Daniel: Help me, help me!

Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script, why did you add it?

Daniel: Well I thought I should comment on the situation.

Lou: What situation?

Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a had cigarette shoved right into his mouth, is morally irresponsible!

Lou: This is a cartoon, OK? This is not a frigging Oprah Winfrey special!

Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this TV show. It's like sending them each a pack of cigarettes and saying "Light up!".

Hilary: Hey, dad, I have a personal errand to run and I need to borrow the car.

Jim: Well, you can't drive without me yet and somebody's got to stay here with your sisters.

Hilary: Dad, I have a personal errand.

Jim: What does that even mean? You taking a hit out on somebody?

Lou: Dad, she's monsterating.

Jim: What?

Hilary: I have my period!

Jim: Oh, I forgot you get those.

Lou: Hey, Gil, our boys finally gonna win one game?

Gil: Way to be supportive, Lou.

Lou: Here's a question. Was it morally wrong for me to exploit my knowledge of the future for personal financial gain? Perhaps. Here's another question. Do I give a fuck?

Jacob: For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.

Lou: You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.

Lou: [Trying to disclaim rumors of his impotence] I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's sister! I'm doing it! Oh God! I'm gonna cum! Shia Lebeouf! Dropping loads! So much fucking semen. Little Tiny Jacobs!

Lou: I wanna fuck something!

Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?

Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.

Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.

Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.

Adam: Whats in it?

Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.

Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.

Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?

Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.

Nick: Don't say that!

Lou: I'm sorry, I do!

Nick: Lou, why would he do this?

Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.

Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.

Adam: He has a mountain of debt.

Nick: He hates his mother.

Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.

Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.

Adam: He's got halitosis.

Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up

Adam: Oh yeah!

Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.

Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.

Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!

Lou: If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon, I'm gonna fucking take it from him myself.

Nick: Just like Cincinatti.

Lou: What?

Adam: You're gonna bring that up?

Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?

Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?

Adam: Yeah!

Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!

Nick: You keep it in the closet?

Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.

Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?

Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?

Jacob: Is it a fetus?

Nick: My friends are ridiculous.

Lou: Outta my way stool

Lou: Okay lay down. We got a stupid baby to make.

Nick, Lou, Adam: [Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.

Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.

Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.

Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.

Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.

Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.

Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.

Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!

Lou: It's still a three-way!

Lou: [to Jacob, while Lou is shocked that the former does not have ritalin] Don't fuckin' lie to me, every one of you people have ritalin.

Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.

Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!

Jacob: It's not a suppository!

Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Lou: God. Relax. It's like you've haven't seen a little cum on your friends face before.

Lou: Why don't you shut your slut mouth, and mind your own fucking business?

Receptionist: I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.

Lou: [overhears Nick's name] ... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *fucking* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?

Nick: It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.

Adam: Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.

Nick: He made you his little bitch!

Adam: He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.

Lou: None of this is helping me at all.

Adam: I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.

Nick: Patience.

Adam: Maybe you're supposed to do something different...

Blaine: What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.

Adam: You're better than him!

Blaine: America!

Adam: Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!

Blaine: The moment's over. Let's go!

Adam: You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here! You can be the hero!

Nick: Enrique'-fucking'-lglesias.

Adam: You love that song, don't you?

Lou: I love that fucking song!

[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]

Adam: Shit.

Lou: God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!

Lou: It's called male bonding okay. Haven't you even seen 'Wild Hogs'?

Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!

Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.

Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!

Lou: If I wanted to kill myself, I'd fucking kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. A shotgun to the dick.

Lou: We could combine Twitter and Viagra... Twitagra

Adam, Nick: Ko... di... ak...

Lou: ...Valley! Fuckin' K-Vals!

Samantha Borgens: I don't wanna get hurt.

Lou: I'm not gonna hurt you.

Lou: So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know 'Don't go there,' you know. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said 'Look, I'm seriously serious. You *don't* want to go there. He kept talking and talking and being such a nag, and I just *blacked out.* I blacked out. And I woke up, and I was standing over him and I was screaming "I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"

Lou: I have a question: Why is it that Chuck here thinks he could smoke?

Chuck: Cause I do whatever I want whenever I want, you little Spanish fruit topping.

Lou: Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant.

Lou: Eskimos seem nice.

Lou: Maybe you should take a shower. It'll make you feel better

Margot: I don't want to take a shower

Lou: Just do me a favor, ok?

Margot: [in the shower and Lou splashes cold water on her] You?

Lou: Yeah

Margot: Every - ?

Lou: Everyday

Margot: There's no...

Lou: There's no problem with the water. There's nothing to get fixed. I thought when we're 80, I'll tell Margot I've been doing this her whole life, and it'll make her laugh. As kind of a long term joke

Lou: [leaves]

Margot: [laughs and starts to cry]

Lou: Hey Margot! I just bought a new melon baller and I'd like to gouge out your eyes with it

Margot: [smiles] Yeah, me too

Lou: Bye, Margot

Margot: Bye, Lou

Margot: A dog is like a starter for a kid.

Lou: No, a dog is like a starter for a cow... or a bigger animal.

Margot: I should've called. I just didn't know what to say...

Lou: It's hard to know, I guess.

Lou: At least I have my testicles.

Lou: [to a hesitant Margot] Get in. What are you doing? What the fuck? You're going to ride in a rickshaw!

Adam Jr.: Jacob is my cousin, and Uncle Lou...

Lou: Don't you ever call me that.

Adam Jr.: ...is my uncle! And they came here in a... uh... what was it?

Lou, Nick, Jacob: Hot Tub Time Machine.

Jill: Oh, okay. So I guess you came here in a Hot Tub Time Machine, too.

[Lou, Nick and Jacob stare into the camera]

Lou: Let's go check out the future strip club situation.

Nick: High five.

Jacob: Did you just say "high five" instead of high five-ing?

Lou: We gotta make America happen bro.

Nick: Ready for another dip?

Jacob: [Jacob to Nick] You're not going to be super welcome there but we should totally go.

Player #1: Hey, Lutz! You know who I am?

Derek: Um, let me see. Uh, protruding supra-orbital ridges.

[the football player picks up Derek by his shirt]

Derek: Small cranium. Uh, 1300 cc brain. Hmmm. Neanderthal Man!

Player #1: [to Jason] You. I want you to call his mother. You tell her he's never coming home.

Jason Melon: Whoah. Hold it, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy? I mean, look how many people got blue hair these days. You know?

Player #1: Shut up, meat-head!

Thornton Melon: Hey, take it easy, will ya? I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.

Player #1: Yeah? Wanna make something of it?

Thornton Melon: Oh, no, no. I never get physical. I just get upset. And when I get upset...

Thornton Melon: [points at Lou] HE gets physical.

[Lou takes a metal napkin holder and crushes it with one hand]

Lou: [stepping up to the player] You got a problem?

Player #1: No. I haven't got a problem.

Lou: Well, now you do.

[Lou slugs the football player in the stomach, resulting in a full scale bar brawl with the football team]

Lou: Come here. I want to tell you something.

Jason Melon: What?

Lou: You were pretty hard on your father last night.

Jason Melon: I know, but the guy doesn't understand.

Lou: I know your pop thirty years. He understands. He's a nice guy, and he's tough. Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. I'll give you an idea what I mean. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall. Your papa loves you. He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.

Thornton Melon: Home, Sweet Home.

Lou: I liked the old house better.

Thornton Melon: So did I.

Lou: I liked the old wife better, too!

Thornton Melon: [laughs] Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache. Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years. Seems like yesterday!

Thornton Melon: [sighs] And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.

[watching his TV commercial]

Thornton Melon: Lou, did you see the new spot?

Lou: Yeah, I seen it.

Thornton Melon: Do I look fat in it?

Lou: You could lose a couple of pounds.

Thornton Melon: I've gotta get bigger actors.

Dan Foreman: Guys, I feel very terrible about what I'm about to say. But I'm afraid your both being let go.

Lou: Let go? What does that mean?

Dan Foreman: It means you're being fired, Louie.

Bernie: What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

Henry: Nazis marching in New Jersey.

Lou: There you go.

Bernie: Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

Lou: Big scoop from the TV guys. Pinhead's brother cancels trip.

[Vinnie eating a donut]

Lou: Vinnie, can you bring your creamy friend along with you and join us?

Lou: Great. "Gotcha" with a slammer.

Anna: Oh yeah, god forbid this paper ever runs anything without an exclamation mark.

[Looking at Lou's proof of page one]

Lou: What do you think?

Henry: I hate it.

Lou: Me too.

Henry: I don't think so, I don't think so. You know, TV's gonna be all over it. They already are. It's a minor derailment. And Carmen has got great day two stuff on the Williamsburg murders. If they make a bust, we have to follow up on that.

Alicia: The subway's a major story.

Anna: Nobody died.

Lou: Somebody got maimed.

Alicia: Yeah, that helps.

Henry: [mocking] Minor derailment!

Lou: [Loudly, after Heidi smashes his model battleship] You're grounded.

Lou: You sniffin' my airplane glue, too?

Marge Gunderson: Say, Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?

Lou: Yah, that's a good one.

[Marge bends over next to the overturned car, as if she's looking at something on the ground]

Lou: You alright there, Margie?

Marge Gunderson: Oh, I just think I'm gonna barf...

Marge Gunderson: [standing up again after a moment] ... Well, that passed. Now I'm hungry again.

Marge Gunderson: [reporting over her police radio] There's the car! There's the car!

Lou: What car?

Marge Gunderson: My car, my car! Tan Ciera, tan Ciera!

Lou: The main thing about money, Bud, is that it makes you do things you don't want to do.

Lou: You should have seen the Atlantic Ocean back then.

Lou: A room. For me and my mother.

Lou: Yes, it used to be beautiful - what with the rackets, whoring, guns.

Lou: I'm a lover!

Grace Pinza: Numbnuts!

Lou: Don't touch the suit.

Lou: [to Dave] You look like a fire sale.

Sally: Why are you doing this for me?

Lou: Hey, it's nothing, Sinatra gives wings to hospitals. We all do what we can.

Lou: Until I got married, I was decent.

Lou: I don't mind water under the bridge, but there damn well better be a couple of bodies floating in it.

Lou: It takes two to shoot. You and the gun.

Tony Russo: Three. You forgot the victim.

Tony Russo: [Tony fires his gun at a bottle]

Bobby Andes: What you gonna tell me about Ray and Turk?

Lou: Who?

Bobby Andes: "Who"? What are you, an owl? You an owl, Lou?

Lou: [Lou hits Tyler in the face] Do you hear me now?

Tyler Durden: No, I didn't quite catch that, Lou.

[Lou hits Tyler again]

Tyler Durden: Still not getting it.

[Lou hits Tyler a few more times]

Tyler Durden: Okay, I got it. Shit, I lost it.

[Lou continues to beat up Tyler]

Lou: I'm fucking Lou. Who the fuck are you?

Lou: Reject the basic assumption of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions.

Lou: *punches Tyler in face* You here me now?

Tyler Durden: Alright, alright, I got it. I got it - shit I lost it.

Lou: Sit down Greta. I'm not trying to pick on you, but you have to treat customers like what they are.

Greta: Thumbtacks in my ass?

Car Hop: What'll it be?

Lou: Well, uh, I'm a little short of cash.

Wendy: You can owe me.

Lou: Oh! Well, I'll have a couple burgers, a large fries, and, uh, what kinda beer you got?

Car Hop: Come on, man. This is a drive-thru, not a bar!

Lou: All right, all right, don't get nervous! Just a Coke or Pepsi is fine.

[Lou stares at waitress' butt while she walks away]

Wendy: Lou, no!

Lou: No! Don't lick it!

Lou: My sweet vanilla creamy, chewy jellybeany, absolutely dreamy girl. Your juicy fruity lips, good and plenty. A cherry bomb in every bite, rich and lovely chocolate kisses delight. Mmm and mmm, melts in my mouth and in my hands. I want to nestle in your mounds and revel in your snickers, I want to Godiva into your bit o'honey, almond enjoying you, kissing up your peppermint patty, I am your sugar daddy. All saltwater Taffy, my sweet tart Sassy... hook, line, and sucker.

Kaz: You know the old joke about the difference between lesbian dating and gay boy dating?

Sassafras: What do gay boys bring on the second date?

Kaz: What second date?

Emilia: What do lesbians bring on the second date?

Lou, Sassafras, Kaz: The U-Haul.

John Gant: Why do you want to kill me, friend?

Lou: You know why.

John Gant: All right. If you think you can do it, go ahead and try. My hands are on the table. I couldn't possibly outdraw you. So go ahead and shoot.

Lou: [arguing] Open the fucking door!

Ginny: Not until you calm down!

Lou: [slams door viciously] I am calm! I am very fucking calm!

Lou: What a fucking job.

Hank: His or ours, Lou?

Lou: Ours, Hank.