Lori Quotes in Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

[Lori is talking about her dream]

Lori: And there were these little girls, and they were singing this song like... like...

Mark Davis: One, two, Freddy's coming for you. Do you know why they sing that? Because that's when he comes for you.

Lori: Doug, honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!

[Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her in the head, killing her]

Douglas Quaid: Consider that a divorce!

Lori: No wonder you're having nightmares. You're always watching the news.

Lori: Sorry, Quaid. Your whole life is just a dream.

Douglas Quaid: That's right.

Dr. Edgemar: Well, maybe this will convince you. Would you mind opening the door?

Douglas Quaid: [Holds his gun to Edgemar's chin] You open it.

Dr. Edgemar: No need to be rude, I'll open it.

[Goes tot he door and opens it, revealing Lori]

Douglas Quaid: [Shocked] Oh, guessing that you're not here either.

Lori: I'm here, at Rekall. I love you.

Douglas Quaid: Right, that's why you tried to kill me.

Lori: No. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I want you to come back to me.

Douglas Quaid: Bullshit.

Dr. Edgemar: What's bullshit Mr. Quaid? Afraid to admit that you're having a schizo paranoid episode, or are you really an invincible secret agent from Mars, who is in the middle of an interplanetary conspiracy to make him think that he's a lonley construction worker. Stop punishing yourself Doug, you're a fine upstanding man you have a beautiful wife who loves you, you have a whole life ahead of you. But you gotta want to return to reality.

Douglas Quaid: If I wanted to return, then what?

Dr. Edgemar: [Takes out a pill] Swallow this.

Douglas Quaid: What is it.

Dr. Edgemar: It's a symbol for your desire to return to reality. In your dreams you'll fall asleep.

[Quaid takes the pill]

Douglas Quaid: Okay. Let's say you're telling the truth and this is all a dream.

[Puts his gun against Edgemar's head]

Douglas Quaid: But I could pull this trigger and it won't matter.

Lori: Don't, Doug.

Dr. Edgemar: Oh it wouldn't make the slighteat difference to me Doug. But the consequences to you will be devestating, because in your mind I'll be dead, and with no one to guide you out you'll be stuck in permenant psychosis.

Lori: Let Dr. Edgemar help you.

Dr. Edgemar: The walls of reality will come crashing down. One minutie, you'll be the savior of the rebel cause, and the nest thing you know you'll be Cohaagan's Bosom Buddy, you'll also have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested. But in the end back on Earth, you'll be lobotomized. So get a grip on yourself Doug and put down that gun.

[Quaid lowers his gun]

Dr. Edgemar: Take the pill and put it in your mouth.

[Quaid puts the pill in his mouth]

Dr. Edgemar: Swallow it.

[Quaid pans around batween Edgemar and Lori, then as a sweat drop runs down Edgemar's face Quaid shoots Edgemar in the head, and spits the pill out]

Lori: Now you've done it, now you've done it.

Lori: [Kicks Doug in the face] That's for making me come to Mars.

[kicks his groin]

Lori: You know how much I hate this fucking planet!

Lori: Listen to me, Sweetheart. Those assholes at Rekall have fucked up your mind. You're having paranoid delusions.

[Quaid holds up his bloodied hands]

Douglas Quaid: You call this a delusion?

[first lines]

[Doug awakens from a nightmare]

Lori: Doug? Honey, are you all right?

[nods]

Lori: You were dreaming. Doug? Was it about Mars?

[nods]

Lori: [kisses him] Is that better?

Douglas Quaid: Hmm.

Lori: My poor baby. This is getting to be an obsession.

[Lori tries to distract Quaid by acting sexy, but he quickly he catches on]

Douglas Quaid: Clever girl!

[He points a gun at her head]

Lori: You wouldn't kill me, would you, honey? After all we've been through...?

Douglas Quaid: [Thinking it over] Some of it was fun.

[He suddenly punches her, knocking her out]

Douglas Quaid: Nice knowing you.

[He leaves]

Lori: I love you.

Douglas Quaid: Right. That's why you tried to kill me.

Lori: No... I would never do anything to hurt you. I want you to come back to me.

Douglas Quaid: Bullshit.

Dr. Edgemar: What's bullshit, Mr. Quaid? That you're having a paranoid episode triggered by acute neuro-chemical trauma? Or that you're really an invincible secret agent from Mars who's the victim of an interplanetary conspiracy to make him think he's a lowly construction worker? Stop punishing yourself, Doug. You're a fine, upstanding man. You have a beautiful wife who loves you. Your whole life is ahead of you. But you've got to want to return to reality.

Talk radio host: Now, just so the, the rest of us know how much time is left, when is the rapture supposed to hit exactly? Is it midnight New Year's Eve?

Lori: That's right.

Talk radio host: Aha. Is that midnight L.A. time or, or Eastern Standard Time, or what? I mean, what timezone is God in anyway?

John: Ted!

Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!

John: Oh, my God!

Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!

John: You're back!

Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?

[starts laughing]

Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.

John: You asshole!

Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!

Lori: Welcome back, Ted.

John: It was you. You did it.

Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.

Lori: No, no, no. I wished for my life back.

[from trailer]

[thunder is heard outside]

Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?

John: I am not!

[Ted comes running into the bed]

Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?

John: Fucking right.

Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.

John: Alright.

John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"

[blow raspberries]

Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...

Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.

Lori: What the hell is this?

Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?

Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?

Ted: Wha- what is what?

Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!

Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.

Lori: There is a shit on my floor!

Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.

John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!

Ted: Hahaha!

John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!

Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.

John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.

[John suddenly looks down on the floor]

John: Is that a shit?

[Lori looks at John]

Lori: Can I give you a ride home?

John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.

Lori: There's a shit on the floor!

Ted: Or, or, or, maybe the floor is on the shit.

John: Can you call my cellphone?

Lori: Yeah

[Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"]

Lori: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.

John: No. I-it's from The Notebook

Lori: So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.

Tami-Lynn: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?

[Looking at Ted]

Tami-Lynn: What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?

Ted: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.

Lori: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.

Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?

Lori: What?

Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?

Ted, John: Whoa!

John: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.

Ted: Yeah, this was a nice evening.

Tami-Lynn: Don't talk shit to me.

Lori: I just asked you a question.

Tami-Lynn: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.

Ted: Take it easy.

[Looks at Lori]

Ted: Nice, Lori. Real nice.

Lori: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.

Tami-Lynn: [Gets up] Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?

Ted: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.

Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!

Ted: Okay, okay, come on. Come on.

[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]

Ted: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?

Robert: You can't have my Teddy bear!

[Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]

Lori: Jesus!

John: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!

[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

Norah Jones: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

Lori: Oh... my God.

Rex: Holy... shit.

[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

Ted: I gotta fuck her again.

John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

John: [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.

John: [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /

[raises voice]

John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...

Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

Angry fan: You're an asshole!

[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

Norah Jones: Oh Jesus!

[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]

Ted: [sigh] Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.

Lori: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...

Ted: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.

John: Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment!

[Flashback to earlier]

Lori: OH GOD!

John: WHAT?

Lori: This is so gross!

John: Did you get it yet?

Lori: NO! I didn't get it yet!

John: Tell me when you get it!

Lori: OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!

John: NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!

Lori: OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!

John: NO! Get it away from me!

Lori: Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?

John: Octopussy!

Lori: BABY! Goldstar!

Lori: Welcome back Ted!

John: It was you!

Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!

Lori: No! I wished for my life back.

Ted: Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.

Lori: Ted, what are you doing here?

John: I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.

Lori: It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.

Lori: [after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori] What a cunt.

John: [covers his ears] No, I hate that word!

John: [from deleted scene] I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted.

Lori: Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.

Lori: [walks in] What are you girls doing?

Carrie: Destroying a man.

Lori: Who Do I Make My Check Out to?

[Kate's mom walks out]

Beth: Your mom is SO HOT!

Kate: He's probably just in town for a layover and he's just looking for someone to lay over.

Lori: [fake laughs] Ha very funny sweetheart.

Marnie: I thought you gave up smoking.

Lori: Cigarettes. You said this was better.

Marnie: I said it was okay after your father died when your stomach hurt.

Lori: Well, it's after my father died and my stomach hurts.

Val: You know, part of me wants it so badly.

Lori: And the other part?

Val: Also wants it. That's the problem.

Val: For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Lori: From making love with you?

Val: Lori, I can't stick my girlfriend in a movie.

Lori: I'm not just your girlfriend. I'm good!

Male Party Guest #1: We were just talking about Alfred Hitchcock. Truffaut says that "Notorious" is his best film.

Val: I agree! I agree. A masterpiece.

Lori: What are you talking about? You hate that - he hates that movie. The ending makes you crazy!

Val: Yes. Cause its a masterpiece. Every time I watch that movie, when Cary Grant is is carrying Ingrid Bergman down the staircase, I always think that the Germans are gonna catch them. No matter how many times I see it! I think the Germans are gonna get 'em.

Simon Alonso: What are they called?

James Krippendorf: Huh?

President Porter: Do they have a name, Professor Krippendorf?

James Krippendorf: Of course they have a name. Uh, uh - The, uh, the "Shelmikedmu."-The Shel - Shelmikedmu.

Lori: What?

James Krippendorf: [Clears Throat] The Shelmikedmu.

[after waking up to find multiple dildos and anal beads mysteriously placed outside the tent]

Lori: Look, there's-there's some kind of pattern here.

[repeated line]

Lori: [to Jerry] You fucking bastard.

Eric Poole: You're cool, Lori, really, but I need to be alone. Okay, I need to make a fresh start.

Lori: Well, aren't I a fresh start? It doesn't get much fresher than old Lori. I;m basically a virgin.

Lori: My mom's always just been sort of a pervert-magnet.

Lori: Think of me as a dry-run for a real girlfriend. Somebody important.

Lori: Aren't most people like that, though?

Eric Poole: What?

Lori: Well, not easy, but... soft.

Amusement Park Dreg: I should keep you company. You know? So guy don't hit on you.

Lori: I'm fifteen.

[walks away]

Lori: You're just a small-beans cop with a vegetable wife.

Lori: My mom has this tape. And basically it's just this guy screaming over and over, "You have to want change. You have to want change." Nothing changes. Nothing changes.

[stand up yelling]

Lori: Nothing changes! Nothing changes!

Lori: What's the matter? Don't I turn you on?

Lori: There's always a chance with tits like yours, Kari.

Kari: Thanks.

Lori: Janet, come on! We have to leave right now.

Janet: No. No, I can't keep doing this, okay? You're both nuts.

Lori: Janet, we gotta go. Come on.

Janet: No. Don't you see? This is where I was supposed to be in the first place, not that stupid race. I was meant to see this movie.

Hunt Wynorski: [about Janet] What's with that? She went from uptight but normal to uptight and totally insane.

Nick: Why do you gotta be a prick? She saw somebody die.

Hunt Wynorski: So did we.

Nick: Yeah, and we're all freaked out. Would it kill you to be sensitive?

Hunt Wynorski: I don't know. I've never tried it.

[Hunt begins to leave]

Lori: Where are you going?

Hunt Wynorski: If you're right about this whole crash thing, then I'm going to make the most of every moment I have left. So I'm gonna do what I do best: I'm gonna get laid. If I'm dying, I'm trying. Keep up the good fight, guys. And if I happen to bump into Janet, I will check on her.

Lori: Thanks.

Nick: That's the car that's gonna crash. We have to get out of here.

Janet: Thank God, I don't...

Lori: What?

Hunt Wynorski: What? No, no, I've got 500 dollars in that one, and I told you that...

Janet: No one cares about the money we have...

Nick: No, look! We've got to get the fuck out of here! Okay? Something's gonna happen, we are all gonna die! All right? 'Cause there's gonna be a crash!

Lori: I have my cowboy right here.

Janet: Get a room, guys.

Lori: Daddy, got to talk to you. It's mama. She's getting sick again.

Lori: I summon thee, spirits of beyond. Show me a sign.

Lori: Mama, you've got to kill them. They know you're crazy. They're gonna send you back to the hospital. Everyone must die.

Lori: [about a Ouija board] You gotta ask it a question!

Boog: Will I... ever have a girlfriend?

Patti: No.

Lori: Boog, you gotta ask it a serious question! Like - Ouija board, Ouija board, will The Smiths ever get back together?

Boog: I think it'd be actually pretty cool if I died from AIDS or something.

Lori: What?

Patti: Say what?

Boog: Well, that means I would've had sex with someone before I died, you know?

[first lines]

Nick: Hey, were going to make it.

Lori: Not if you don't slow down.

Nick: Grand Canyon by sunrise, remember?

Lori: How can I forget.

Lori: Here, open your mouth.

Nick: What is it?

Lori: It's roast wolf.

Nick: I thought you were vegetarian.

Lori: It comes and goes.