Lord Farquaad Quotes in Shrek (2001)

[Shrek enters the tournament]

Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous!

Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.

[looks at Donkey]

Shrek: It's just a donkey.

Lord Farquaad: [playing with Gingy's legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!

Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!

Lord Farquaad: [tossing legs away] I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?

Gingerbread Man: Eat me!

[spits in Farquaad's face]

Lord Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...

[reaches down]

Gingerbread Man: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Lord Farquaad: All right, then! Who's hiding them?

Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?

Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?

Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.

Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives down on Drury Lane?

Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...

Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?

Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!

Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man...

Magic Mirror: [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.

[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]

Magic Mirror: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella!

[changes to images of Snow White]

Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!

[changes to Princess Fiona]

Magic Mirror: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?

[Farquaad's advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying "#3"]

Lord Farquaad: Uhhh, Number 3!

Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.

Lord Farquaad: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.

Lord Farquaad: Ah, Thelonius?

[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]

Lord Farquaad: You were saying?

Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...

Lord Farquaad: Go on...

[Shrek bursts into Fiona's and Farquaad's wedding]

Lord Farquaad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

Princess Fiona: I wanted to show you before...

[turns into an ogre]

Shrek: Well... er... THAT explains a lot.

Lord Farquaad: [revolted] It's disgusting!

[Thelonius dunks the Gingerbread Man in a glass of milk]

Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

Lord Farquaad: [Shrek has barged into the tournament] Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre, will be named champion! Have at him!

[all the knights draw their weapons and converge on Shrek]

Shrek: Okay, now... can't we just settle this over a pint!

[holds up a friendly mug, to no avail]

Shrek: No? All right then! COME ON!

[He bursts one of the ale barrels]

Lord Farquaad: [Slowly and dramatically to the looking glass] Magic... mirror... on... the wa...

Gingerbread Man: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING!

Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona... she's perfect!

[a squad of archers aim at Shrek]

Captain of Guards: Shall I give the order, my Lord?

Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea...

[last words]

Lord Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...

[gets eaten by Dragon]

Lord Farquaad: [seizes a crown and puts it on] All this hocus pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding and that makes me king. See? See? As for YOU, my wife, I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

Shrek: No! Actually, you won't!

[whistles. Farquaad does not notice the low growling of the dragon outside]

Lord Farquaad: What are you doing, you insolent beast? I'll see you drawn and quartered! I am king! I'll have order!

[the dragon breaks through the window and breathes fire at Farquaad, roasting him]

Fiona: [seizes a crown and puts it on] All this hocus pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding and that makes me king. See? See? As for YOU, my wife, I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

Lord Farquaad: No! Actually, you won't!

[whistles. Farquaad does not notice the low growling of the dragon outside]

Fiona: What are you doing, you insolent beast? I'll see you drawn and quartered! I am king! I'll have order!

[the dragon breaks through the window and breathes fire at Farquaad, roasting him]