Lone Starr Quotes in Spaceballs (1987)

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.

Lone Starr: What?

Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Lone Starr: What's that make us?

Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?

Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Lone Starr: Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!

Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!

Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!

Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!

Yogurt: Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.

Barf: I know we need the money, but...

Lone Starr: Listen! We're not just doing this for money!

Barf: [Barf looks at him, raises his ears]

Lone Starr: We're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?

Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?

Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

[Lone Star changes hand position]

Lone Starr: Like this?

Megamaid Guard: Yeah!

[guard falls to the ground]

Lone Starr: Thanks.

Princess Vespa: Now listen you...

Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.

Princess Vespa: And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.

Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the...

Barf: Whoa, hold it, time.

[as they are trekking through the desert]

Lone Starr: Water. Water.

Barf: [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out]

Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil.

Princess Vespa: Room service. Room service.

Minister: Do you?

Lone Starr: Yes

Minister: Do you?

Princess Vespa: Yes

Minister: GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!

Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?

Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.

Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn.

Barf: Why so early?

Lone Starr: Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]

Barf: Nice dissolve.

Lone Starr: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.

Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!

Barf: Or else what?

Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.

Vinnie: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

Princess Vespa: I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.

Lone Starr: You're probably right.

Princess Vespa: I know now that I must learn to live without love.

Lone Starr: I guess so.

Princess Vespa: Besides, love isn't that important.

Lone Starr: Nah... It never was!

Princess Vespa: I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...

[turns and looks into Lone Starr's eyes, pauses]

Princess Vespa: love.

Lone Starr: Sure you could.

Princess Vespa: Without physical contact.

Lone Starr: Yeah.

Princess Vespa: Without being held.

Lone Starr: Yeah.

Princess Vespa: Or kissed...

[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrix's "Virgin Alarm" goes off]

Yogurt: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!

Lone Starr: I can't - I lost the ring!

Yogurt: Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis! I found it in a Cracker Jack box!

Barf: (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!

Princess Vespa: How was that?

Lone Starr: Not bad.

Barf: Not bad... for a girl.

Dot Matrix: Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!

Barf: The minute we move in they're gonna spot us on their radar.

Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.

Barf: Uh-huh.

Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.

Barf: Uh-uh.

Lone Starr: Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.

Barf: Aha! You're right.

Lone Starr: Down scope.

Barf: Down scope.

[puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1's radar dish]

Barf: Radar about to be "jammed."

[then, a huge jar of "jam" smashes into the dish]

Lone Starr: Chief... I can't... I can't go any further. I can't go any further.

Lone Starr: Just one more dune to go.

Barf: That's what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.

[collapses, dropping Dot]

Lone Starr: Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...

[stops]

Lone Starr: Who am I kidding?

[Drops Vespa, collapses]

Lone Starr: Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her? Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips. You know something Princess? You are *ugly* when you're angry.

Lone Starr: Called me an idiot! I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.

Dot Matrix: Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.

Barf: Wait. You haven't seen what she looks like.

Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. You've seen one princess, you've seen them all.

Princess Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike. Fat, ugly...

Lone Starr: Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...

Princess Vespa: Beer-swilling pigs!

Lone Starr: Horse-faced space dogs!

Princess Vespa: [looking up at the night sky] Which one's yours?

Lone Starr: Who knows?

Princess Vespa: You don't know where you're from?

Lone Starr: Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.

Princess Vespa: A monastery? Where?

Lone Starr: Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

Dot Matrix: [Mega Maid is sucking the air away from Druidia] What'll we do?

Lone Starr: We've got to act fast. Step one, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet. Step two, we destroy that thing.

Princess Vespa: But isn't that dangerous?

Lone Starr: Extremely. Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it!

Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Lone Starr: [sees Barf carrying a lot of luggage] Checking in? What the hell is all that?

Barf: [unintelligable from the bag in his mouth] Ith her oyal igness' atched uggage!

Lone Starr: What?

Barf: [pulls the bag out of his mouth] Her royal highness' matched luggage!

Lone Starr: Matched luggage? What does she think this is, a princess cruise?

Barf, Lone Starr: [after the chest-bursting alien dances across the counter at the diner] Check please!

Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows...

Lone Starr: It's coming from there.

Barf: That can't be her.

[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]

Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] ... the trouble I've seen...

[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]

Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows but Jesus.

Lone Starr: It's her.

Princess Vespa: [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

Barf: She's a bass.

[Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment]

Dark Helmet: Ummmm... He did it.

Lone Starr: What?

Lone Starr: Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.