Lloyd Christmas Quotes in Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Lloyd Christmas: We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

Harry Dunne: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]

Bikini Girl: Hi, guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.

Harry Dunne: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.

Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.

[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]

Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?

[they run after the bus]

Lloyd Christmas: HEY! HEY!

Harry Dunne: Lloyd! Lloyd!

[the bus stops and opens the doors]

Lloyd Christmas: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.

Harry Dunne: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Lloyd Christmas: [addressing Mary] I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody.

Lloyd Christmas: [laughs nervously] Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.

Mary Swanson: [Mary comes into the room, making it clear to viewers that Lloyd's previous words were just a rehearsal] I thought I heard you talking to someone.

Lloyd Christmas: [now extremely nervous] Mary... I... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

Harry Dunne: Hi, Lloyd.

Lloyd Christmas: Hi, Harry.

Harry Dunne: How was your day?

Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.

Harry Dunne: What's her last name? I'll look it up.

Lloyd Christmas: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?

Harry Dunne: Maybe it's on the briefcase.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! It's right here.

[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]

Lloyd Christmas: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Lloyd Christmas: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?

Mary Swanson: How'd you guess?

Lloyd Christmas: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

Harry Dunne: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.

Lloyd Christmas: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Lloyd Christmas: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day!

Harry Dunne: No way!

Lloyd Christmas: I'll give you three to one odds.

Harry Dunne: No.

Lloyd Christmas: Five to one.

Harry Dunne: No.

Lloyd Christmas: Ten to one?

Harry Dunne: You're on!

Lloyd Christmas: I'm gonna get ya!

Harry Dunne: Nuh uh!

Lloyd Christmas: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.

Lloyd Christmas: [Reaching over Joe Mantelino] You're it.

Harry Dunne: You're it.

Lloyd Christmas: You're it, quitsies!

Harry Dunne: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!

Lloyd Christmas: You can't do that!

Harry Dunne: Can too!

Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, stamp it!

Harry Dunne: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!

Lloyd Christmas: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.

Harry Dunne: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!

Lloyd Christmas: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Harry Dunne: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

Joe Mentalino: GUYS! ENOUGH!

Lloyd Christmas: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?

Bus Stop Beauty: Austria.

Lloyd Christmas: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

Bus Stop Beauty: Let's not.

Harry Dunne: So you got fired again, eh?

Lloyd Christmas: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?

Harry Dunne: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.

Lloyd Christmas: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.

Harry Dunne: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.

[coming out of the 7-11]

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see you later.

Harry Dunne: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?

Lloyd Christmas: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.

Harry Dunne: [sighs]

Lloyd Christmas: Maybe she just had a change of heart.

Harry Dunne: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!

Lloyd Christmas: Do you think...?

Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?

Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

Harry Dunne: [shivering] I can't feel my f-fingers anymore, Lloyd. They're-they're numb!

Lloyd Christmas: Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.

Lloyd Christmas: [takes off gloves over another pair of gloves] My hands are starting to get sweaty.

Harry Dunne: Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?

Lloyd Christmas: [obliviously] Yeah, we're in the Rockies!

Lloyd Christmas: [sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] No, way! That's great.

[chuckles]

Lloyd Christmas: WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!

Harry Dunne: Where's the booze?

Lloyd Christmas: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.

Harry Dunne: Oh, no, no.

Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry.

Harry Dunne: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah?

Harry Dunne: He's dead.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?

Harry Dunne: His head fell off.

Lloyd Christmas: His head fell off?

Harry Dunne: Yeah. He was pretty old.

State Trooper: [Harry is driving fast and a cop is behind him and Lloyd] Pull over!

Harry Dunne: What?

State Trooper: Pull over!

Harry Dunne: [realizes he's holding beer bottles that Lloyd urinated in; shows his sweater] No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'!

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, killer boots, man!

State Trooper: Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin', have ya? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine?

Harry Dunne: No, sir.

Lloyd Christmas: No.

State Trooper: [points to the beer bottles] Yeah, well what's that?

Harry Dunne: That's nothing, sir.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, nothing.

State Trooper: Yeah, well are you aware that it's against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on, give me that booze, you little pumpkin pie, hair-cutted freak, come on!

[Harry complies; the cop prepares to drink it, not knowing that Lloyd peed in it]

Harry Dunne: Sir, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Lloyd Christmas: No, sir, don't!

State Trooper: You keep your mouth shut if you know it's good for ya, buddy!

[takes a swig, only to realize he just drank urine]

Lloyd Christmas: Tic-Tac, sir?

State Trooper: Get the hell out of here!

[on the verge of gagging]

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?

Elderly Lady: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.

Lloyd Christmas: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?

Elderly Lady: Of course.

Lloyd Christmas: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me.

Lloyd Christmas: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

Lloyd Christmas: Husband? Wait a minute. What was all that "one in a million" talk?

Harry Dunne: Where did you get those?

Lloyd Christmas: I bought them when we filled up.

Harry Dunne: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.

Lloyd Christmas: This didn't come out of our travel fund.

Harry Dunne: Oh.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.

Harry Dunne: Where did you get 25 extra becks?

Lloyd Christmas: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.

Harry Dunne: The blind kid?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Ha ha!

[Suddenly feels ashamed]

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.

Harry Dunne: What did you sell him Lloyd?

Lloyd Christmas: Stuff.

Harry Dunne: What kinda stuff?

Lloyd Christmas: I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,

[cough]

Lloyd Christmas: Petey.

Harry Dunne: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!

Lloyd Christmas: Harry, I took care of it...

[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]

Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

Lloyd Christmas: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!

Harry Dunne: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?

Lloyd Christmas: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

Harry Dunne: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Lloyd Christmas: Mock

Harry Dunne: Yeah!

Lloyd Christmas: Ing

Harry Dunne: Yeah!

Lloyd Christmas: Bird

Harry Dunne: Yeah!

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!

Harry Dunne: Yeah!

Harry Dunne: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that?

Lloyd Christmas: Saw it in a movie once.

Harry Dunne: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?

Lloyd Christmas: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat!

Harry Dunne: [Stares at Lloyd in disbelief. The speed of the engine increases]

Lloyd Christmas: Ha ha ha! It was a good one.

Lloyd Christmas: This isn't my real job, you know.

Mary Swanson: No?

Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.

Mary Swanson: That's nice.

Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!

Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?

Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there!

Lloyd Christmas: It's OK, I'm a limo driver!

Lloyd Christmas: They got the Monkees. They were a major influence on the Beatles.

Lloyd Christmas: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.

[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]

Harry Dunne: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.

Lloyd Christmas: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?

Harry Dunne: No, it was a girl.

Mary Swanson: Okay, how do you guys know each other?

Lloyd Christmas: We used to be best friends.

Harry Dunne: Yeah, till he turned into a back-stabber.

Lloyd Christmas: Me, a back-stabber? You got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!

Harry Dunne: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?

Lloyd Christmas: [gasps] What do you mean?

Harry Dunne: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.

Lloyd Christmas: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.

Harry Dunne: You just tell me where to sign, bud.

Lloyd Christmas: Right on my ass after you kiss it!

Harry Dunne: Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Lloyd Christmas: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry, your hands are freezing!

Lloyd Christmas: I want to ask you a question, straight out, flat out, and I want you to give me the honest answer. What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me ending up together?

Mary Swanson: Well Lloyd, that's difficult to say. We really don't...

Lloyd Christmas: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary, just... The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?

Mary Swanson: Not good.

[the background soundtrack music suddenly stops]

Lloyd Christmas: [he gulps, his mouth twitching] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?

Mary Swanson: I'd say more like one out of a million.

Lloyd Christmas: [long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!

[man and woman walk by]

Harry Dunne: Ooh, look at the buns on that one.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he must work out.

Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'?

Mary Swanson: Aspen.

Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Lloyd Christmas: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.

Harry Dunne: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!

Lloyd Christmas: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

Lloyd Christmas: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you.

Nicholas Andre: Open it up. Open it up!

Lloyd Christmas: [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.

Nicholas Andre: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?

Lloyd Christmas: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.

Harry Dunne: What's with the briefcase?

Lloyd Christmas: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man.

Harry Dunne: [flabbergasted] Get outta here.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Tractor beam.

Lloyd Christmas: [imitates beam noise]

Lloyd Christmas: Sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and outta my life.

Harry Dunne: What's in it?

Lloyd Christmas: Man. I would have to be a lowlife to go routin' around in somebody else's private property.

Harry Dunne: Is it locked?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, really well.

Harry Dunne: What's in the briefcase?

Lloyd Christmas: Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property.

Harry Dunne: Is it locked?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. Really well.

[while looking back at Mary]

Lloyd Christmas: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...

[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]

Mary Swanson: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Harry Dunne: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg...

Lloyd Christmas: Okay, kill him!

Lloyd Christmas: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."

Lloyd Christmas: [after Harry saves his life] Harry, you're alive. And a horrible shot!

Joe Mentalino: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fellas... you think we could listen to the radio or something?

Lloyd Christmas: Radio? Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?

[Lloyd and Harry start singing "Mockingbird"]

Lloyd Christmas: Boy, this party really died.

Lloyd Christmas: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.

Harry Dunne: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

Lloyd Christmas: Suck me sideways.

Lloyd Christmas: She actually talked to me.

Harry Dunne: Get outta here!

Lloyd Christmas: I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.

Lloyd Christmas: [after a confrontation with Sea Bass] You really wimped out, man.

Harry Dunne: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha... Did you see? The guy hawked on my burger!

[first lines]

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

Harry Dunne: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?

Joe Mentalino: Nah, you guys go ahead.

Harry Dunne: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.

Lloyd Christmas: Okay. You go first.

Harry Dunne: No no. You go first.

Lloyd Christmas: You go first.

Harry Dunne: You go first! I always go first!

Lloyd Christmas: You go first!

Joe Mentalino: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?

Lloyd Christmas: That sounds like a dare, Har.

Joe Mentalino: It's a *double* dare!

Harry Dunne: Yeah, okay. You're on!

Lloyd Christmas: [while telling Harry what to tell Mary about himself] Tell her I'm rich, and I'm good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist's wit.

Lloyd Christmas: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.

Harry Dunne: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic... Oh, check out the funbags on that hosehound.

Lloyd Christmas: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

Harry Dunne: I can't believe it.

Lloyd Christmas: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.

Harry Dunne: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.

Lloyd Christmas: Not if you count the gurgling sound.

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd and Harry stop to pick up Joe Mentalino, who is there to kill them] We don't usually pick up hitchhikers. But I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up, partner!

Lloyd Christmas: [Opening the door on Nicholas Andre, who he thinks is a hotel employee] We have plenty of towels - thanks!

Lloyd Christmas: [to Harry] How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.

Mary Swanson: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me?

Lloyd Christmas: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.

Lloyd Christmas: [after getting off the moped with Harry frozen to his back] Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?

Lloyd Christmas: Mary Christmas. Mrs. Mary Christmas. Kinda catchy, huh, Harr?

Harry Dunne: Yeah yeah, that sounds nice. But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit? I mean, you know, who knows? You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.

Lloyd Christmas: [stern voice] Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?

Harry Dunne: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Just calm down. Just calm down.

Joe Mentalino: So why are you guys going to Aspen? Vacation?

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd and Harry just sabotaged his burger with atomic peppers and are snickering] Why don't you eat up, and we'll tell ya.

Joe Mentalino: It just doesn't seem like you packed match. All I saw was one bag and a briefcase.

Harry Dunne: Well, no, no. The briefcase isn't even ours. Some lady left it at that airport. We're just bring it back to her. How's your burger?

Joe Mentalino: You mean, you don't even know her? I mean talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Lloyd Christmas: I can't stop once I stop going Harry! It stings...

[Harry and Lloyd hear a knock on their door and look through the peephole]

Harry Dunne: [whispering] There's two of 'em. One of 'em's got a gun.

Lloyd Christmas: [suspiciously] Did you pay the gas bill?

[Harry realizes he didn't, Lloyd grabs Harry's face]

Lloyd Christmas: Do you realize what you've done?

[Joe Mentalino is having an ulcer attack]

Lloyd Christmas: He's resisting me!

Harry Dunne: Here.

[puts some pills in Mentalino's mouth]

Harry Dunne: Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.

Lloyd Christmas: Pills! Pills are good! Pills are good!

Harry Dunne: Drink 'em down. There you go. There you go, big guy. You want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us.

[Mentalino sees the rat poison bottle]

Joe Mentalino: Son of a bitch!

[stomach gurgles and he dies]

Lloyd Christmas: Check, please.

Harry Dunne: Weirdo.

Lloyd Christmas: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.

Harry Dunne: Idiot.

Lloyd Christmas: Fried teeth-licker of salmon fried fish!

Harry Dunne: Moron.

Lloyd Christmas: Raider of the Lost Fart!

Harry Dunne: Rump roast.

Lloyd Christmas: Licker of dirty chicken butts.

Harry Dunne: Buttfish.

Lloyd Christmas: Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.

Nicholas Andre: SHUT UP!

Beth: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next?

Lloyd Christmas: No and I don't - CARE!

Lloyd Christmas: [as he leaves a convenience store, Lloyd encounters two black guys] Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right... Well, see you later!

Lloyd Christmas: Some people just aren't cut out for life on the road.

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, gunman. Who are you?

Nicholas Andre: Don't play dumb with me, asshole! I'm the rightful owner of the briefcase you've been carrying around!

Lloyd Christmas: This is the life... cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls. There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.

Harry Dunne: What's that?

Lloyd Christmas: If you had a nice set of knockers.

Harry Dunne: That's two things, Lloyd.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry, or I'd be banging you right now. I'd show you what a real man can do. Split you like an old piece of firewood. You'd probably like it too, you big homo.

Harry Dunne: Shut up.

Lloyd Christmas: Don't tell me to shut up, woman.

[Deleted scene]

Lloyd Christmas: Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!

Harry Dunne: I don't know if I got that from his death, Lloyd. I think his head just fell off.

Lloyd Christmas: Whatever!

Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, Flo?

[Harry and Lloyd crack up]

Lloyd Christmas: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?

Waitress #1: It's the Soup of the Day.

Lloyd Christmas: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Lloyd Christmas: You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.

Harry Dunne: [Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder]

Sea Bass: What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?

Harry Dunne: Sure.

[constantly rings the doorbell]

Harry Dunne: Yeah, that's pretty annoying.

Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.

Mrs. Stainer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

Lloyd Christmas: That!

Harry Dunne: Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.

Lloyd Christmas: That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?

Harry Dunne: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.

Dr. Meldmann: Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?

Lloyd Christmas: No, Like the tree.

Harry Dunne: Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Lloyd Christmas: GOT YA!

Harry Dunne: Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?

Lloyd Christmas: You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!

Harry Dunne: W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?

Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh.

Harry Dunne: So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.

Lloyd Christmas: Out the window.

Harry Dunne: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?

Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh!

Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

Harry Dunne: How many days are in April?

Lloyd Christmas: 30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember

Harry Dunne: Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August

Lloyd Christmas: Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, who's this?

Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.

Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?

Harry Dunne: Oh. 'Cause of this.

[shows the cat's butthole]

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.

Lloyd Christmas: What?

Harry Dunne: Am I right?

Lloyd Christmas: What?

Harry Dunne: Am I right?

Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [to Dr. Walcott] Show us your tits!

Harry Dunne: Both of 'em!

Lloyd Christmas: Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.

Lloyd Christmas: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

Lloyd Christmas: Don't you have to...

[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, God!

Harry Dunne: That things really taken root!

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?

Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my new roommate.

Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?

Harry Dunne: Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?

Ice Pick: [Sarcastically] Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.

Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!

Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?

Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?

[Harry nudges him]

Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?

Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?

Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.

Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!

Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!

Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.

Billy: Not If I see you first!

Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!

Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.

Lloyd Christmas, Harry Dunne: [Together at once] BOOGA!

[the pair frighten Billy]

Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, you guys want to play "He Who Smelt It"?

Harry Dunne: Yeah.

Travis: What's that?

Lloyd Christmas: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.

Harry Dunne: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.

Lloyd Christmas: False fart!

Harry Dunne: You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.

Travis: What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!

Harry Dunne: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, head-to-head.

Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?

Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before.

Harry Dunne: Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.

Lloyd Christmas: I think we might have a hustler, Har.

Harry Dunne: Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?

Fraida Felcher: Well...

[whispers to Harry and Lloyd]

Lloyd Christmas: No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!

Harry Dunne: But that's where she pees!

Lloyd Christmas: It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!

Harry Dunne: Can you show us?

Lloyd Christmas: I call sloppy seconds.

Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.

Lloyd Christmas: Do you love him long time?

Lloyd Christmas: [Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter] Suck me sideways!

Harry Dunne: You're the spitting image of her!

Fraida Felcher: You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the side with the stamp.

Lloyd Christmas: But it's still uncanny!

Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.

Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?

Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.

Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?

Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?

Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.

Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.

Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?

Mr. Stainer: Yes.

[Shows the duo a poster of their late son]

Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.

Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.

Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...

Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

Harry Dunne: I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.

Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.

Harry Dunne: I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.

Lloyd Christmas: What'd they do?

Harry Dunne: They threw me out of the house.

Lloyd Christmas: Why?

Harry Dunne: Just 'cause I told them I was gay.

Lloyd Christmas: Why'd you tell them that?

Harry Dunne: I was sick of mowing the lawn.

Lloyd Christmas: Cheers!

Fraida Felcher: Whoa! Wait. Where'd you get that?

Lloyd Christmas: The Slurpee machine in the back.

Fraida Felcher: That's embalming fluid.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Does it have aspartame?

Fraida Felcher: No.

Lloyd Christmas: Cool.

Dr. Pinchelow: You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...

Adele: You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.

Harry Dunne: That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!

Lloyd Christmas: You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.

[after Mrs. Snergle convinces Lloyd there are "diamonds" under her blanket]

Lloyd Christmas: Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Mrs. Snergle: Yeah, right.

[starts moaning]

Lloyd Christmas: [wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here.

Mrs. Snergle: [sternly] And you're not my grandson!

Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her.

[Hands over to Harry his cellphone]

Harry Dunne: It's ringing!

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.

Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking] This is your Dad!

Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents] Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?

Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask.

[to Penny]

Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives?

[Points towards the Stainers]

Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!

Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.

Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?

Lloyd Christmas: Duh!

Lloyd Christmas: Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.

Harry Dunne: God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this?

[hits Harry in his crotch]

Fraida Felcher: Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.

Fraida Felcher: Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.

Lloyd Christmas: [whispers to Harry] Tattoo.

Harry Dunne: Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well?

[Fraida shows her tattoo]

Harry Dunne: Hmm. It's close.

Lloyd Christmas: Mmm.

[Fraida pushes up the smiley face]

Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Hi, Fraida.

Harry Dunne: Oh, hey! How ya been?

Lloyd Christmas: Have you been doing yoga?

Harry Dunne: Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.

Lloyd Christmas: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.

Harry Dunne: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.

Lloyd Christmas: I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

Harry Dunne: That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.

Lloyd Christmas: It shrank mine.

Lloyd Christmas: Harry, holy cow. I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.

Harry Dunne: That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Dr. Meldmann: Okay, may I ask you a question, doctor. And I don't mean to be insensitive. But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Aspergers?

Lloyd Christmas: Probably. I know he doesn't wipe real well.

Fraida Felcher: Yeah, but, Lloyd, Lloyd. She isn't your daughter either.

Lloyd Christmas: Nice try, Fraida. But Penny read me the letter. I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove, which is exactly where you took me in the van!

Fraida Felcher: So? That was my spot. I must've taken hundred of guys there. What can I say. I was a titanic whore.

Fraida Felcher: So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?

Harry Dunne: Well, why wouldn't we?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!

Fraida Felcher: Because we never had sex.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.

Harry Dunne: Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.

Fraida Felcher: You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.

Harry Dunne: Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?

Fraida Felcher: Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.

Lloyd Christmas: What if I go like this?

Lloyd Christmas: [wiggles his finger]

Fraida Felcher: No.

[last lines]

Harry Dunne: Bush Club!

Lloyd Christmas: Bush Club!

[laughing]

Harry Dunne: I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.

[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]

Harry Dunne: .

Penny: [Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date] Bye, dad.

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves] Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!

[about to eat from a dustbin]

Lloyd Christmas: Do you mind?

Harry Dunne: Bon appetite, kid!

Lloyd Christmas: Wow, so this is what rock-bottom feels like. Hm, not THAT bad.

Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?

Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.

Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?

Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy, dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.

Ray: [Happy] My boy's special! How about that!

[Hugs Lloyd]

Ray: I knew you were different!

Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.

Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?

Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.

Lloyd Christmas: All Right!

Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!

Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!

Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.

Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?

Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.

Lloyd Christmas: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy, I don't think I can stand it.

Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.

Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.

Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.

[Ms. Heller giggles]

Principal Collins: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant".

Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.

Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.

Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!

Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.

Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.

Principal Collins: No.

[Ms. Heller sighs]

Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.

Ms. Heller: We start our own class.

Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"?

Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.

Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.

Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?

[to Turk, below]

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!

[Turk laughs]

Principal Collins: Bingo.

Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?

Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.

Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?

[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]

Lewis: Aah.

Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.

Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.

Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?

Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.

Lloyd Christmas: Chicks are for fags!