Lisa Quotes in Man on Fire (2004)

Lisa: What are you gonna do?

Creasy: What I do best. I'm gonna kill 'em. Anyone that was involved. Anybody who profited from it. Anybody who opens their eyes at me.

Lisa: [Whispering] You kill 'em all.

Lisa: [talking privately, referring to Creasy] She likes him

Samuel: Hm?

Lisa: Creasy, Pita likes him.

Samuel: Pita loves school. She'd like Count Dracula if he took her back there.

Lisa: You read the Bible Mr. Creasy?

Creasy: [in his room] Yeah, sometimes.

Lisa: Does it help?

Creasy: Yeah, sometimes

Lisa: [while leaving for a business trip] I'll call you from Detroit, baby.

Pita: You're going to miss Mexican Halloween. The day of the dead.

Samuel: You enjoy it for us, Pita.

Lisa: You should be sleeping, baby.

Pita: I'm trying, Mom

Lisa: Good news. You're going back to school

Pita: When?

Lisa: Samuel is going to hire a new bodyguard. It may take a few days, but you're going back

Pita: Could he speak English? Emilio couldn't speak English.

Lisa: We'll see. And thank your father in the morning. A man always needs to be thanked.

Lisa: [meeting for the first time] Do you have any family Mr. Creasy?

Creasy: No. I don't have family

Lisa: Lisa is upstairs!

Dad: By the way, it makes me uncomfortable when you say "hooking up".

Lisa: Why? It's not like it means anything.

Dad: Hope it doesn't.

Lisa: It doesn't. It's just an expression.

Dad: Hope it is.

Lisa: It is! God, when should never have rented Thirteen.

Lisa: You guys actually set the house on fire?

[repeated line]

Lisa: I'll never leave you.

[last lines]

Lisa: We never speak of this. Okay? Never happened.

Walter: Never happened. Still think l have gorgeous eyes?

Danny: Walter!

Walter: What?

Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.

Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.

Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.

Lisa: Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

Lisa: [to Gary] You had me at "dicks fuck assholes".

Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!

Lisa: I'm sorry, it's what?

Kim Jong Il: Inevit, inevitabre.

Lisa: One more time.

Kim Jong Il: [shouts] Inevitabre! Things are inevitabrey going to change! Goddamnit, open your fucking ears!

[repeated line]

Lisa: Sometimes... believing is all we have.

Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!

Lisa: I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. is down! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!

[last lines]

Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!

[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]

Kim Jong Il: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!

[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]

Kim Jong Il: So rong, Earthrings!

Gary Johnston: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!

Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.

Gary Johnston: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

Lisa: Fuck, yeah.

Gary Johnston: Fuck, yeah.

Spottswoode: Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

Lisa: What?

Sarah: But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Intelligence: I'm sorry.

Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the new world is inevitable.

Lisa: It's what?

Kim Jong Il: Inevit - inevitable.

Lisa: One more time?

Kim Jong Il: Inevitable! Things are inevitably going to change! Goddamnit, open your fuckin' ears!

Chris: What does Spottswoode see in him?

Lisa: I don't know. But I think I see it too.

Lisa: Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

Lisa: I'm so confused!

Lisa: It's too early for me to be having feelings for you.

Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

Lisa: We lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Lisa: Then what about all those things you promised me last night? You said you'd never leave.

Gary Johnston: I said I'd never die. But now I'm... *dead inside*

Lisa: Is there anything you can do, DOCTOR, I mean, seeing as how you've lost over 200 million patients?

[after Neville tosses her a submachine gun]

Lisa: What's this for?

Neville: Comfort.

Little Girl: Are you God?

Lisa: Let's find out if he's even a doctor before we go promoting him, okay?

Dutch: I was a med-school senior when they scratched the world. As a matter of fact, I was planning on applying to biowar labs for my post-doc, but, heh-heh, the next term never came.

Robert Neville: Now I'm sorry you didn't make it.

Lisa: Sorry the world didn't make it.

Lisa: Don't screw up. I know how to roll, but it's hard on the elbows. And if you just have to play James Bond, I'll bust your ass.

Neville: Yes, ma'am.

[Matthias throws a spear at Neville, hitting him and leaving a big gash in his chest]

Matthias: The bad dream is over, friend Neville. Now we can sleep in peace.

Robert Neville: [raspy] Lisa!

Lisa: [weakly] Robert, you're evil. I-I-I'm part of the Family, Robert. I'm sorry.

Lisa: [drowsy] The Family, Robert. Y - Uh... You don't understand. Oh... Robert...

Lisa: There's a time to be nice and then there's also a time when you have to say enough is enough, and stick your foot so far up a prick like Phil's ass that he chokes on your fucking shoelaces. And I think now is one of those times.

[dramatic pause]

Storm: I do, too.

Lisa: How did you...?

Storm: Listen Chris, there's a time to play nice, and there also comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, and stick your foot so far a prick like Phil's ass that he chokes on your own fucking shoelaces.

Lisa: That is literally exactly what I just said.

Storm: No, I just tweaked it a little bit.

Lisa: No. Word for word.

Storm: I had my own little spin, okay?

Lisa: [upon finding a playing dead Cornelius] Cornelius, are you alright?

Cornelius: No, Mother, I'm just dead.

Lisa: I don't want to have to remember my husband. I want to love him now.

Lisa: N-No...

Lisa: Are you all gangsters?

Dasha: No, we are Russians!

Lisa: [Danila is sleeping. Lisa touches Danila's wound. He wakes up] Oh, I'm sorry!

[Danila pushes her down on the bed and pulls down her panties]

Lisa: No!

Danila: Oh, come on!

Lisa: So, Ponyo, what's your Dad like?

Ponyo: He hates humans! He keeps me in a bubble, so I swam away from home.

Lisa: So what's your Mother like, then?

Ponyo: She's big and beautiful, but she can be very scary!

Sosuke: Just like my Mom.

Lisa: I say we start with dessert and go backwards. It's been a backwards kind of day!

Lisa: Okay look, if I'm wrong, then you're the Post's new cover boy. But what if I'm right?

[From trailer]

Michael Stone: [to Lisa] I think you're extraordinary.

Lisa: Why?

Michael Stone: I don't know yet. It's just obvious to me that you are.

Lisa: You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just - There's way too many just begging to be pressed, they're just begging to be pressed, you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?

Susanna: Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Lisa, because your dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place, you need it to feel alive. It's pathetic.

[Lisa falls down to her knees and screams]

Susanna: I've wasted a year of my life. Maybe everybody out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is "stupid" and "ignorant". But I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it, then down here with you.

Lisa: [Southern accent] Razors pain you, rivers are damp / Acid stains you, drugs cause cramps / Gun aren't lawful, nooses give / Gas smells awful, you might as well live.

Lisa: Lady, back off!

Mrs. Gilcrest: Was I talking to you?

Lisa: No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin' out!

Mrs. Gilcrest: Don't you tell me what to do.

Lisa: Look, she gave your husband a rim job. Big fuckin' deal! I'm sure he was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway.

Mrs. Gilcrest: Why you - how dare you!

Lisa: Some advice, okay? Just don't point your fuckin' finger at crazy people!

Lisa: [holds a pen to her neck] Take one fuckin' step and I'll jam this in my aorta!

Valerie: [comes over, a smirk on her face] Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.

Lisa: Good to know! I'll make a note of that...

Valerie: Good.

Daisy: You're just jealous, Lisa... because I got better... because I was released... because I have a chance... at a life.

Lisa: They didn't release you 'cause you're better, Daisy, they just gave up. You call this a life, hmm? Taking Daddy's money, buying your dollies and your knick-knacks... and eatin' his fuckin' chicken, fattening up like a prize fuckin' heifer? You changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation - and the warden makes house calls. And everybody knows. Everybody knows. That he fucks you. What they don't know... is that you like it. Hmm? You like it.

Susanna: [reading from a book] "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex."

Lisa: I like that.

Susanna: "Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed." Well, that's me.

Lisa: That's everybody.

Susanna: I mean, what kind of sex isn't casual?

Susanna: What the fuck are you doing Lisa?

Lisa: I'm playing the villain, baby, just like you want. I try to give you everything you want.

Susanna: No you don't.

Lisa: You wanted your file, I found you your file. You wanted out, I got you out. You needed *money*, *I* found you some. I'm fucking consistent-I told you the truth-I didn't write it down in a *fucking book*! I told you to your *face*. And I told Daisy to her face - what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself. And I played the fucking villain, just like you wanted.

Susanna: Why would I want that?

Lisa: Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea. You come back all sweetness and light, and sad and contrite, and everybody congratulating you on your bravery. And meanwhile, I'm blowing the guys at the bus station for the money that was in her fucking robe!

Lisa: [to Susanna] You think you're free? I'm free! You don't know what freedom is! I'm free. I can breathe. And you... will choke on your average fuckin' mediocre life!

Janet: That is not fair. That is not *fair*! That is *not fair*! Seventy-four is the perfect weight!

Lisa: [to Daisy] Good luck, crazy bitch.

Instructor: Now what kind of tree can you be, Janet, down there on the floor?

Janet: I'm a fucking shrub, all right?

[Lisa is talking to Daisy about going to Florida]

Lisa: All you have is mustard and your chickens! I am going to be the Cinderella at Walt Disney's new theme park, Susanna's gonna be Snow White. You can come if you want. You can be the Cocker Spaniel that eats spaghetti.

[Lisa's arms and legs are strapped to the bed. Susanna takes out nail polish and starts painting Lisa's nails]

Lisa: [crying] I'm not really dead.

Susanna: I know.

Lisa: I'm gonna miss you, Suzie Q.

Susanna: No, you're not. You're gonna get out of here, and you're gonna come and see me. Okay.

Lisa: [takes a deep breath and looks away] Yeah.

Daisy: Which do you like better? Taking a dump alone or with Valerie watching?

Susanna: Alone.

Daisy: Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out. I like to be alone when it goes in. To me, the cafeteria is like being with twenty girls all at once taking a dump.

Lisa: That is fucked up, Daisy.

Lisa: We are very rare and we are mostly men.

Janet: Lisa thinks she's hot shit cause she's a sociopath.

Cynthia: I'm a sociopath.

Lisa: No, you're a dyke.

Valerie: Did you enjoy the fresh air, Lisa?

Lisa: Yeah I did, Val. Thanks.

Valerie: Good, 'cause it's the last time you're leaving the ward.

Lisa: Is that a dare or a double dare?

Susanna: [Daisy hung herself] Can I get an ambulance?

Lisa: Make it a hearse.

Lisa: [to Daisy] Help me understand, Dais 'cause, I thought you didn't do Valium. Tell me how this safety net is working for you. Tell me that you don't take that blade and drag it across your skin and pray for the courage to press down. Tell me how your *daddy* helps you cope with that. Illuminate me.

Daisy: My father loves me.

Lisa: I bet with every inch of his manhood.

Lisa: Hey Torch, what'a doin?

Polly: Nothing.

Lisa: Well, why don't you go in your room and do nothin'.

[waves are Polly with puppet, and Polly runs to room crying]

Susanna: Has she come down yet?

Lisa: No... But she's been playing that SHIT ALL MORNING!

Susanna: What happened to Polly?

Lisa: What needs to happen? No one's ever gonna' kiss her, man. You know, they're building a new Disneyland in Florida. If I could have any job in the world, I'd be a professional Cinderella. You could be Snow White. And Polly could be Minnie Mouse. Everyone would hug her and kiss her and love her and no one would ever know what was in that big ol' head of hers, you know?

Lisa: Hey Torch.

Polly: Hey Lisa.

Lisa: Did you miss me?

Polly: Not much.

Daisy: Get out, Lisa!

Lisa: I'm not in your room, Daisy. I'm right fucking here. I was gonna offer you nail polish.

Daisy: GET OUT!

Margie: You're looking better, Lisa.

Lisa: Why thanks, Margie. So how's the engagement going?

Margie: You know.

Lisa: No, I don't. I've been away remember.

Margie: Joe wants me to... before the wedding.

Lisa: Fuck his brains out - use a rubber.

Daisy: My dad got me an apartment.

Susanna: Really? Where?

Daisy: It's near the airport. One bedroom, two baths, eat-in chicken.

Susanna: I think you mean an eat-in kitchen.

Daisy: That's what I said, asshole. So what do you have that I want?

[Susanna has just showed Daisy some Colace tablets]

Daisy: Put them on the bed and get out.

Lisa: [from the door] Put your on the bed.

Daisy: Oh, Jesus! Get out! GET OUT!

Lisa: [she enters and shuts the door behind her] C'mon Daze, don't take advantage of her just 'cause she's new.

Daisy: Get the fuck out or I'm calling Valerie! VALERIE!

Lisa: Yeah, why don't you call Valerie, shall we? Let's call Valerie and ask her for some Colace just like Suzie Q's got in her fuckin' hand. Why does it STINK in here?

Susanna: [picks up phone] Hello?

Lisa: [on phone] So what's your diag-nonsense?

Susanna: Who is this?

Lisa: What'd he say to Mom and Pop?

Susanna: [looks out, sees Lisa staring back at her from two booths back] I have a Borderline Personality.

Lisa: Oh, that's nothing. What else?

Susanna: He didn't say. Thought it would affect my recovery.

Lisa: Alright, listen. Tongue your meds tonight. After 1 o'clock checks Gretta always goes out for a smoke. Check the mirrors and if they're clear you go down to Hector's closet. It's near the art room and it will be open.

Lisa: If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now.

Georgina: Lisa, is Daisy really getting out?

Lisa: Yeah, she coughed up a big one.

Susanna: But how could - I mean she's... *insane*.

Lisa: Yeah, well that's what ther-rape-me's all about. That's why fuckin' Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall. He created a fuckin' industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you're saved. Ca-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin' you free.

Susanna: But what if you don't have a secret?

Lisa: Then you're a lifer, like me.

Lisa: So, have you had your first Melvin yet?

Susanna: Who's that?

Lisa: Bald guy with a little pecker and a fat wife. You're ther-rapist, sweet pea. Unless, ah... unless they're givin' you shocks. Or, God forbid lettin' you out. Then you get to see the great wonderful Dr. Dyke.

Margie: She means Dr. Wick.

Susanna: Oh, I've been in his office but I haven't met him yet.

M.G.: He's a she. Dr. Wick's a girl.

Lisa: That's right, M.G. Wick's a chick.

M.G.: Wick's a chick.

Lisa: Hence the nickname.

Lisa: [to Daisy] You're playing Betty Crocker and cut up like a goddamn Virginia ham.

Lisa: [to Susanna] You shared a man with that woman?

Lisa: We have to go. We have money... Susanna, don't be stupid. Alright, fine. Be stupid.

Hitman's Brother: [to Lisa over the phone] Anyways, you all should turn yourselves in.

Lisa: Turn myself in? I might go to jail.

Hitman's Brother: [to his father] She's afraid they'll go to jail.

Hitman's Father: Tell her you'll write to her.

Hitman's Brother: [to Lisa] Hey man, I'll write to you.

[Hitman's father slams down the phone]

Marty: What do you want to do?

Lisa: I've got to ask you something, Marty. Why do you let Bobby treat you the way he does?

Marty: What?

Lisa: Why do you let Bobby treat you like he does, hit you and stuff, and make fun of you? He disses you right to your face in front of everyone. Derek thinks you guys are queer for each other.

Marty: Yeah well, Derek's an asshole.

Lisa: You know what? I love you.

Marty: Shut up.

Lisa: I do. I love you and I care about you and I don't want to see you suffer. I don't want to see Bobby picking on you ever again.

Marty: Bobby...

[he chokes up and cries; saliva comes from his mouth]

Lisa: What?

Marty: It's been like this since we were little fucking kids, Lisa. He's always been like this. Bobby always beats the fuck out of me whenever he wants and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it. I've begged my fucking parents to move...

Lisa: You could move away yourself!

Marty: I'm not even a fucking high school graduate.

Lisa: Yeah, I know, tell me about it. So there's nothing we can do to stop him ever?

Marty: We could kill him, but that's about it.

Lisa: [smiles] That's what I was thinking.

Marty: What? What are you talking about?

Lisa: Bobby.

Marty: What about Bobby?

Lisa: What if he was gone?

Marty: What kind of weird shit are you talking about?

Lisa: What if we killed him?

Marty: Are you fucking nuts?

[Lisa produces a gun]

Donny: Holy shit, what the fuck is that for?

Lisa: To kill Bobby Kent, don't you remember?

Donny: Oh, yeah.

Lisa: [about Bobby] He treats everyone like shit. He's always mean. He's always cruel. He beats you up.

Lisa: [laughs] He's even too weird for Ali and she's into everything! He's the source of everybody's troubles, Marty. And even still, he's going to finish high school and go to college and probably get rich.

Marty: Yeah, and I'm going to be delivering pizzas to him in Weston. How would we get a gun?

Lisa: My ma has one.

Marty: Shit! That motherfucker! He's fucking dissed me... he's fucking treated me like shit my whole goddamn life!

Lisa: Let's kill him.

[Marty sticks out his tongue and Lisa sucks it as she puts her arms around him]

Marty: No shit.

Derek Kaufman: [about Donny] Oh jeez, that guy's fucking retarded, am I wrong?

Lisa: No no, he just gets high a lot, he's just as normal as you and me.

Derek Kaufman: Shit, that's may not be saying too much...

Lisa: I love you, Marty. I love you so much I can't even believe how much I love you. I would do anything for you.

Donna: You sound like you're having fun already.

Lisa: Oh, we are.

Donna: [nostalgically] I used to have fun.

Ali: Oh, we *know*!

[Donna looks puzzled]

Sophie: I'm so glad you're here because... I have a secret, and I can't tell anybody else.

Ali: Sophie! You're knocked up?

Sophie: No! no! no! Um... I've invited my dad to my wedding.

Lisa: You are joking!

Ali: You found him at last?

Sophie: No! No, no, no, no, no. Not exactly.

Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?

Lisa: Sure.

Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?

Lisa: What do you mean?

Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?

Lisa: No.

Alan Garner: I didn't think so.

Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?

Lisa: What do you mean?

Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.

Lisa: I'm not sure.

Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.

Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...

Alan Garner: That'll work.

Lisa: Hi I'm Cellulite Sally; look at my huge ba-donkey. Don't forget about me, I'm Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy.

[cries]

Lisa: I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.

Lisa: I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.

Kevin Copeland: This one goes with your skin tone.

Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.

[shouts]

Lisa: Whoo.

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson]

[Brittney comes the dressing room with an outfit]

Kevin Copeland: How about this?

Lisa: [Sobbing] You bitch thats so terrible!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson] Ok im going to go get help ok, you need professional help.

Lisa: [Sobbing] ok! ok!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson] Dr Phil!

Vinny Gambini: What's the matter with you?

Lisa: I don't know.

Vinny Gambini: You're acting like you're nervous or something.

Lisa: Well, yeah. I am.

Vinny Gambini: What are you nervous about? I'm the one that's under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.

Lisa: You wanna know what I'm nervous about? I'll tell you what I'm nervous about! I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what's going on. All I know is that you're screwing up and I can't help.

Vinny Gambini: You left me a little camera, didn't you?

Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you and I can't do anything about it!

Vinny Gambini: And?

Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up, because I know you've got enough pressure on you already. But we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, TEN YEARS LATER, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is

[taps her foot]

Lisa: TICKING LIKE THIS and the way this case is going, I ain't never getting married.

Vinny Gambini: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I've got a judge that's just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, AND a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids. Not to mention your

[taps his foot]

Vinny Gambini: BIOLOGICAL CLOCK - my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more SHIT we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?

Lisa: [pause] Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

Vinny Gambini: [Vinny hears a drip in the motel bathroom] Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?

Lisa: So?

Vinny Gambini: Well, did you use the faucet?

Lisa: Yeah.

Vinny Gambini: Then why didn'tcha turn it off?

Lisa: I DID turn it off!

Vinny Gambini: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?

Lisa: Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off AND drip at the same time?

Vinny Gambini: No. Because if you'd turned it off, it wouldn't drip!

Lisa: Maybe it's broken.

Vinny Gambini: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?

Lisa: Yeah. That's it, it's broken.

Vinny Gambini: You sure?

Lisa: I'm positive.

Vinny Gambini: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.

Lisa: I twisted it just right.

Vinny Gambini: How could you be so sure?

Lisa: [sighs] If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.

Vinny Gambini: Well, how could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?

Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory Edition Signature Series torque wrench. The kind used by Caltech high energy physicists. And NASA engineers.

Vinny Gambini: Well, in that case, how can you be sure THAT's accurate?

Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state AND federal Department of Weights and Measures... to be dead on balls accurate!

[She rips a page out of a magazine and hands it to him]

Lisa: Here's the certificate of validation.

Vinny Gambini: Dead on balls accurate?

Lisa: It's an industry term.

Vinny Gambini: [tosses paper away] I guess the fucking thing is broken.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?

Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.

D.A. Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?

Lisa: It doesn't.

Lisa: [angry tone] What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fucking up this case or what?

Vinny Gambini: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's a procedure. I'm learning all this as I go along. I'm bound to fuck up a little.

Lisa: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice!

Vinny Gambini: I got thirty fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fucking courthouse!

Lisa: You fucking shower, I'll get your fucking suit!

Lisa: [In the diner after being woken at 5 AM and staring at the menu where the options are simply 'breakfast', 'lunch', and 'dinner'] Breakfast?

Vinny Gambini: You think? Uh, good choice. Two.

Lisa: Support? Is that what you want? I'm sorry, you were wonderful in there! The way you handled that judge... ooh you are a smooth talker. You are... you are!

Lisa: [talking to townsman] Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?

Vinny Gambini: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?

Lisa: Yeah, well, what are you, a fucking world traveler?

Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.

Vinny Gambini: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?

Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.

Lisa: Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.

Vinny Gambini: No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

Emma: Ring ring! It's the pumpkin patch. They want their pumpkins back!

Lisa: We're not pumpkins!

Joy: We're ladies!

Emma: But you're so orange!

[Adam tries carrying Emma inside]

Emma: Hey! Someone call Charlie Brown! We found the Great Pumpkin!

Lisa: So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?

Lisa: You okay?

Gary Wallace: Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!

Lisa: You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

Lisa: Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

Lucy Wallace: Oh Garry! Oh my God!

Gary Wallace: Ma, I never tossed off to anything!

Lucy Wallace: You told me you were combing your hair!

Gary Wallace: I was! I was!

[the woman that Gary and Wyatt created is looking for a name]

Gary Wallace: How about Lisa?

Lisa: Why Lisa?

Gary Wallace: Why not?

Wyatt: He used to like a girl named Lisa.

Lisa: [smiles] Oh yeah? Old girlfriend?

Wyatt: She kicked him in the nuts.

Gary Wallace: [annoyed] Will you shut the hell up?

Wyatt: [sympathetically] Look Gary, it wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her.

Gary Wallace: [annoyed] Look Wyatt, shut up!

[Wyatt puts up his hands defensively, indicating that he will shut up. He looks slightly hurt by Gary's treatment of him as he was only trying to help]

Lisa: You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.

Wyatt: We forgot to hook up the doll.

Lisa: You forgot to hook up the doll.

Lisa: You guys created me, I didn't come from anywhere. Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist. By the way, you did an excellent job. Thank you.

Lisa: Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse.

Lisa: If you want be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Lisa: I can be a real serious bitch if I don't get what I want.

Dino: Tell me something. What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this? Huh?

Lisa: It's purely sexual.

Dino: No shit.

Gary Wallace: She's into malakas, Dino!

Dino: "She's into malakas"! Do you believe that?

Chet: [opens a pantry door, his grandparents are in there, frozen] Hi Nanny, hi Grampy.

Chet: [closes door and turns to everyone else] I'm not a moron, you know. I...

Chet: [suddenly realizes] Was that my grandparents?

Chet: [Lisa nods, Chet opens the door again] Are they dead?

Lisa: Oh, no, they're just resting.

Chet: What are they doing in here?

Lisa: I put them in there. I didn't want to Garry and Wyatt to get into trouble. Quite frankly, they weren't having a very good time at the party.

Chet: Not having a good time? Do you think they're having a good time being catatonic in a closet?

[Wyatt and Lisa are going downstairs. He looks very nervous and tense]

Lisa: Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're forty if you don't learn to relax. Have you tried inversion boots?

Lisa: What are you so nervous about? Everything's cool.

Gary Wallace: EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.

Chet: Lady, I wanna get to the bottom of this. ASAFP.

Lisa: Oh, so do I.

Chet: But first I'd like to... butter your muffin.

Lisa: Why do you have to be such a wanker?

Chet: Because I get off on it!

Lisa: If you don't cheer up, I'll blow your face off.

Lisa: If we're going to have any fun together, you guys have better learn to loosen up.

Lisa: This is a nuclear missile!

Chet: I didn't think it was a whale's dick, honey!

Lisa: [smiles] That's my boys.

Lisa: Just for that I ought to give you a set of elephant balls!

Lisa: If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good.

[Lisa kisses Wyatt]

Lisa: Are you sure you're only fifteen?

Wyatt: [smiles] I'll be sixteen in June.

Lisa: [to Wyatt's grandfather] Stop hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat!

Lisa: I told myself not to scream but I screamed and he stabbed me

John Grogan: [checking the wound] Its not that bad, in all the drama I didn't catch your name.

Lisa: Lisa.

John Grogan: Lisa its going to be okay, we're going to sit here with you and wait for the police to get here, its going to be alright.

Joe Young: They want me to do a sequel.

Lisa: A sequel, to "Death of a Salesman"? Doesn't he die at the end of the first?

Joe Young: Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge.

Lisa: Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself?

Joe Young: No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack... to Nazis...

Lisa: Wow!

Lisa: I hope you're happy in the life you've chosen.

Joe Young: Don't quote Dickens in my apartment!

Lisa: [to Maxxx] You pig, you're responsible for degrading all of those women.

Clark: Equally degradable in pornographic films.

Lisa: Men are always in a position of power.

Rodgers: They're the ones who want the product so bad, they're the victims.

Lisa: Well, it exploits men by exploiting women.

Clark: Hence, it exploits people.

Maxxx Orbison: [pissed off] SHUT UP!

Clark: Yeah.

Maxxx Orbison: I do what i do and i make a lot of money and i don't care what i do to people because they're all idiots.

Clark: Yeah.

Maxxx Orbison: Especially you Clark, you pig fucking hunk of shit!.

Clark: Yeah.

Lisa: Excuse me, could you tell me what movie this is?

Video Store Clerk: [laughs] What movie this is? Where have you been, under a rock?

Lisa: No, I'm from Utah.

Video Store Clerk: Oh. Sorry.

Lisa: How could you have sex with all of those women?

Joe Young: I didn't it was a stunt cock

Lisa: A stunt cock? So you aren't touching all of those women's breasts?

Joe Young: Oh no they're all just special effects

Lisa: really?

Joe Young: ...no

Lisa: Men like you make me sick! Jesus is going to put an end to you.

Maxxx Orbison: If Jesus Christ wants to bring Maxxx Oribson down, he's going to need a lot of help.

[Joe rescues Lisa, who is bound and gagged]

Joe Young: Lisa, are you OK? Did he hurt you?

Lisa: Mmmph! Mmmph!

Joe Young: Oh, I'm sorry. Here.

[Joe rips off the adhesive tape off Lisa's mouth]

Lisa: OWWWW!

Joe Young: Oh, Lisa, I'm sorry! What were you trying to say?

Lisa: Don't pull the tape off my mouth.

Lisa: Never drink to feel better; only drink to feel even better.

Lisa: So I was just wondering if there was one general thing that you've found over the years to be generally true in a general way that would help anyone in any situation?

Psychiatrist: That's a great question, yes, I would say figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it.

Lisa: OK. Those are both really hard.

Lisa: I don't know if I have what it takes for everybody's regular plan.

Lisa: Matty, what am I doing? I caught myself. Don't judge anybody else until you check yourself out that way you are lucky if it's your fault because then you can correct the situation. I'm nervous over something that is going on with me, and I ended up with an attractive guy who you would have to be an idiot to mistake for anything more than just a fun friendship, and... and, yes amazing sex, and then I give that guy a hard time for just being who he is. Totally my fault, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Matty: Are you apologizing?

Lisa: Yeah.

Matty: If you are really apologizing, you may be my dream girl. I heard those footsteps and I'm like, right somebody nuts is coming back to be more nuts and now an apology, you might be my dream girl.

Lisa: When you're in something you got to give it everything you have or else what are you doing?

Lisa: OK, then this is what I need, if in the middle of the night I start crying, shaking or getting enormously upset I don't want you to ask me what's wrong, I just want you to ignore it. Is that OK with you?

Matty: Actually that's my preference!

Matty: I screw up, that's why I wrote something out that I wanna... I wanna say to you. OK this will be good. Is it bad that I wrote it out?

Lisa: Its unusual, it's not bad. Stop asking me things like that it's weird.

Matty: Oh yeah sorry, I went nuts when you left, I broke a lamp!

Lisa: OK, read me the thing.

Matty: That was the thing!

Lisa: Did you ever wish you could delete everything you said as soon as you'd said it? Lately all I do is hear myself being so weak and whiny and needy that I wish I could delete every...

George: I think the answer to that is to stop talking. Deny a voice to what's falling apart. No lip service. That's my advice to you.

Lisa: George, this is my boyfriend Matty.

George: Nice to meet you.

Matty: Who is he?

Lisa: You didn't even say hello!

Matty: Yeah, I think you ought to check with me before you invite some guy over, so I'm a little bit too pissed off to say hello!

Lisa: What sort of trouble are you in George?

George: Ah, well ah... simply put... ah, I'm currently unemployed, my girlfriend recently broke up with me, er, I will soon run out of money and, er, I'm the target of a federal investigation.

Lisa: Wow, you are a real chick magnet, aren't you.

George: [after they kiss] I just had a thought.

Lisa: Hm?

George: Did you come down here to tell me not to bother waiting?

Lisa: No.

Lisa: George, I thought you were this silly guy. Now, it's like everything but you seems silly. Who knows what I'm saying here?

George: I think I know what you're saying.

Lisa: What?

George: It's just a thought- I might not at all be...

Lisa: What?

George: You love me too.

Lisa: Ya'll must think I'm stupid like one of those Thelma & Louise bitches!

Mike: Nah, Nah----

Lisa: Car broke down?! Tell that fool he could at least faced me like a man!

Mike: But, But--

Lisa: I'm not gon' cry! I'm not! I spent too much time on this damn make-up!

Mike: Lisa, calm down...

Lisa: I am calm!

Mike: So then why are you yellin'?

Lisa: He hits me.

Victoria: When?

Lisa: Often.

Victoria: Well, you must stop doing what you're doing to make him angry.

Lisa: What?

Victoria: Women sometimes have to deal with things to be comfortable.

Lisa: I am not getting married today, I have been beaten every day since I got engaged, and I have made excuses for him over, and over, and over again. But it's time for me to live for Lisa.

Lisa: Look busy.

Amanda: I am busy.

Lisa: Well, help me look busy.

[first lines]

Tara: [as Tara looks at a photograph of her and Jake] Someone's got it bad.

Lisa: No, I don't. It was just a... summer thing.

Tara: That's why you're travelling 5000 miles to see him.

Lisa: It's not to see him. I'm here just like the rest of you, you know. See Ireland. Do shrooms.

Tara: Tara, I've known you all my life and I've never even see you take an aspirin.

Lisa: [Lisa has just handed Alex a subpoena while he is in the men's room]

Lisa: It really is good to see you, Mr. Jurel.

Alex Jurel: Considering how much you've seen, who don't you call me Alex?

Alex Jurel: There's nothing worse than a female lawyer with a cause.

Lisa: Except a male teacher without one.

Lisa: You took Tara into a SEWER?

Winston: Yeah, only for a couple of seconds.

Nick: [trying to get Lisa out of her depressed mood] You've made some friends at your dorm, right?

Lisa: Not really. Most of the people here have a peculiar idea of a good time.

Nick: What do you mean?

Lisa: They get drunk and piss off the balconies.

Nick: What about the girls?

Lisa: I'm talking about the girls.

Nick: You're kidding me.

Lisa: You think I'm kidding you? You think it's a joke to have to walk home on a clear night with an umbrella?

Nina: What?

Lisa: Kiss me.

Nina: We're on national television.

Lisa: We are.

Nina: [throwing little pebbles at Lisa's window]

Lisa: [opens the window, smiles] I thought you were Kary.

Nina: [smiling] Sorry to disappoint.

Lisa: Who said you did?

[Nina and Lisa open two bottles of beer synchronal on a table]

Lisa: Just as well your dad wasn't here to see that. That table's a temple!

Nina: NOT a bloody bottle opener!

Lisa: I don't do indian.

Nina: Well, apart from my brother.

Lisa: [sees a text written underneath the wallpaper: 'Nina + Lorna - True love December 1988'; chuckling] Who is Lorna?

Nina: I don't know, I have no idea!

Lisa: [mumbling] Lorna... Lorna Mullin! I remember Lorna! Captain of the school hockey team, big blue eyes, tall, legs right up to her hocksters. I'm shocked!

Nina: [surprised]

Lisa: I wouldn't have thought she was your type!

Nina: Wha-, she WASN'T my type! I was nine! I had a crush on the world and his wife, when I was nine!

Bobbi: [comes in] Me too!

Lisa: I really want this, me and you. I've never felt like this before! Let's tell everyone!

Nina: I gotta go. I can't do this just now, Lisa.

Lisa: [looks disappointed]

[later, Nina rushes in the kitchen]

Lisa: I thought you'd done a runner on me.

Nina: Not yet. But I'm thinking about it.

Lisa: Of course you are. That''s what you always do.

Nina: Let me get this straight: Dad used the restaurant as collateral for a bet?

Kary: Not exactly.

Lisa: He used half of it.

Nina: Oh, that's alright then. Had me worried for a minute.

Nina: [about Sanjay] I just didn't love him.

Lisa: No such thing.

Nina: As love?

Lisa: There isn't. Just a big con. See, your dad told you how to cook. My dad told me never gamble with something you're not prepared to lose.

Lisa: So, who are we up against?

Nina: Okay. 'The Bengal Tiger'.

Lisa: Pussycat?

Nina: Unless it is under a new management.

Lisa: It is.

Nina: Ah... 'Bimal's Balti and Dosa House'?

Lisa: Last year's winners.

Nina: Hm... and then last, but never least: 'The Jewel in the Crown'

Nina: [sighing]

[looking around]

Nina: It's in the bag?

Lisa: Oh yeah, it's in the bag.

Sanjay: It'll never happen, you know. The two of you. Not in that way.

Lisa: What way, Sanjay?

Sanjay: Come on, her mother will never allow it.

Lisa: She won't run away again. You know why? Because this time she has someone to stay for.

Sanjay: I won't be too sure about that. I mean, she'd not gonna risk it. She'd lose everything. You really think she wants to lose her family again, even for love? Chances for that are piss poor.

Lisa: [about the little temple] It's beautiful, isn't it? Beautiful monument to eternal love.

Nina: You don't believe in love.

Lisa: Your dad said some king spent 22 years building it for his queen.

Nina: Dead queen. Hah. It's a monument of grief.

Lisa: Same thing. If he was from Nashville, he'd have written a song about it.

Nina: [trying to chose between two bunches of herbs]

Lisa: Green and green. Any differences?

Nina: Winning

[throws one to Lisa]

Nina: and losing

[puts the second one back on the table]

Nina: .

Nina: Go on. I need you to know the difference for when you taste mine.

Lisa: [tastest the dish] Mh, it's delicious.

Nina: It's terrible! They didn't marinate the meat long enough. The longer you marinate it, the more tender it becomes.

Bobbi: [looks like he knows EXACTLY what is going on between the two girls]

Nina: Taste... that.

[feeds Lisa]

Nina: Well?

Lisa: That's better.

Nina: What's better about it?

Lisa: [constantly grinning] I don't know.

Bobbi: [and now he looks as if he is totally sure]

Nina: [Nina about cooking] It's all about chemistry. And the chemistry has to be right.

Lisa: [totally fascinated... and not just by the cooking]

Lisa: [cuts chilli, gets chilli in her right eye, screams]

Nina: Okay, okay, you need to wash it out with cold water immediately!

Lisa: ARGH!

Nina: Don't rub it, it'll make it worse!

Lisa: Ha, NOW she tells me?

Nina: [washes Lisa's eye with cold water, drys her face] Let me see... Aha, yeah, you'll live.

[smirking]

Lisa: [chuckling] You sound like my doctor.

Kary: [comes in] I thought that was meant to be me? What happened?

Lisa: Oh, erm, got some Plutonium in the eye.

Nina: [points at the table] Chilli.

Kary: [very self-confident] Cold water. You need to wash it out.

Nina: Is there an echo in here?

Kary: Oh, what the hell. There's something I need to tell you, mum. I'm married. Her name's Janice and I pure love her.

Suman: Well, seems I have a lot to learn about love.

[hugs Sanji]

Suman: My childrem seem to understand it much better than I do....

[looking at Nina and Lisa]

Suman: Any more bombshells?

Nina: [looks afraid]

Lisa: [looks at Nina]

Priya: Come on, we gotta go.

Sanjay: It'll never happen, you know. The two of you. No, ahah.

Lisa: Go off, Sanji.

Sanjay: Come on, her mother will never allow it.

Lisa: She won't run away again. You know why? Because this time she has someone to stay for.

Sanjay: I won't be too sure about that. I mean, she'd not gonna risk it. She'd lose anything. You really think she wants to lose her family again, even for love? Chances for that are pissed, pal.

Nina: [looking to Lisa] What?

Lisa: [determined] Kiss me.

Nina: [hesitant] We're on national television.

Lisa: We are.

Nina: ...

Lisa: [goes away]

Nina: [looks torn apart, than goes away too]

Lisa: [sees a text written underneath the wallpaper: 'Nina + Lorna - True love December 1988'; chuckling] Who is Lorna?

Nina: I don't know, I have no idea!

Lisa: [mumbling] Lorna... Lorna Mullin! I remember Lorna! Captain of the school hockey team, big blue eyes, tall, legs right up to her hocksters. I'm shocked!

Nina: [surprised]

Lisa: I wouldn't have thought she was your type!

Nina: Wha-, she WASN'T my type! I was nine! I had a crush on the warold and his wife, when I was nine!

Bobbi: [comes in] Me too!

Kary: Oh, what the hell. There's something I need to tell you, mum. I'm married. Her name's Janice and I pure love her.

Suman: Well, seems I have a lot to learn about love.

[hugs Sanji]

Suman: My children seem to understand it much better than I do....

[looking at Nina and Lisa]

Suman: Any more bombshells?

Nina: [looks afraid]

Lisa: [looks at Nina]

Priya: Come on, we gotta go.

Lisa: [about the little temple] It's beautiful, isn't it? Beautiful monument of eternal love.

Nina: You don't believe in love.

Lisa: Your dad said some king spent 25 years building it for his queen.

Nina: Dead queen. Hah. It's a monument of grief.

Lisa: Same thing. If it comes from love it's worth written a song about it.

Lisa: I really want this, me and you. I've never felt like this before! Let's tell everyone!

Nina: I gotta go. I can't do this just now, Lisa.

Lisa: [looks disappointed]

[later, Nina rushes in the kitchen]

Lisa: I thought you'd run away from me.

Nina: Not yet. But I'm thinking about it.

Lisa: Of course you are. That''s what you always do.

Kary: Oh, what the hell. There's something I need to tell you, mum. I'm married. Her name's Janice and I pure love her.

Suman: Well, seems I have a lot to learn about love.

[hugs Kary]

Suman: My children seem to understand it much better than I do....

[looking at Nina and Lisa]

Suman: Any more bombshells?

Nina: [looks afraid]

Lisa: [looks at Nina]

Priya: Come on, we gotta go.

Lisa: Can I live with you after my mom die?

Mona Gray: ...My apartment is small.

Lisa: I'm not that big.

Lisa: [about her hair loop] This is my zero. It's from nature.

Ann DiGanno: That's not nature. That's plastic.

Lisa: Plastic comes from nature.

Levan Beeze: It's man-made, and man is natural.

Mona Gray: No person is any greater than any other person!

Lisa: That's not true. You're the greatest teacher in the school.

[hugs her]

Mona Gray: Once, this woman in Texas wrote out all the numbers from 1 to 1 billion. It took a few years... and a lot of paper.

Lisa: Did she use recycled paper?

Mona Gray: I don't know.

Lisa: 'Cause if she did, then that's a good story. But if she didn't, then that's a bad story.

Lisa: [threatening Ann with the axe] I'm gonna divide you, subtract you, and multiply you.

Lisa: [about Mona's nervous knocking habit] Why do you do it?

Mona Gray: Why? Um... I do it when I feel... Alone.

Lisa: Then that's why I do it. I want to be like you.

Mona Gray: Don't do that. Don't be like me.

Lisa: [starting to cry] But I'm alone. I'm all alone.

[last lines]

Mona Gray: There were 122 frogs in one pond, and 57 in another. How many frogs were there total?

Lisa: That's not a good math story... 179.

Mona Gray: Nice!

Lisa: Do you know any better ones?

Mona Gray: Let me think... I got one.

Lisa: Put a 3 in it and a pirate.

Abbie: I'm going to lean on you, and you just lean on me. Is this good for you?

Lisa: This is great.

Abbie: Look! We're a semicolon walking home!

Lisa: I have this patient, a boy. He's 12, he's terminal. He's amazing - he tells me something new every day; he tells me everything.

Abbie: He's a kid and he's scared.

Lisa: You want a mirror?

[Abe is dressed in a lobster costume]

Abe: I'm glad you came, doctor. Maybe you can tell me what's wrong with my hand - it's been like this for a month.

Lisa: Have you tried soaking it in melted butter?

[Abbie reveals his father is alive]

Abbie: He lives in Los Angeles.

Lisa: What does he do?

Abbie: He's a professional embarrassment.

Lisa: Let me get this straight: is he an actor or isn't he?

Abbie: Exactly.

Lisa: Things take time, but I can't wait forever.

Jones: Well, you're good.

Lisa: Really? I mean, not just compared to you?

Lisa: Jones, will you kiss me?

Jones: Ok.

Lisa: Ok because you want to or ok because I asked you to?

Jones: I want to.

Lisa: Will you do it now please?

Jones: Ok, I will but...

[Lisa kisses Jones before he can finish]

Lisa: I have lines to learn.

Jones: You're an actress?

Lisa: Female lead.

Lisa: You know what I mean?

Jones: Yeah

Lisa: You do?

Jones: No

Lisa: You don't?

Jones: I dunno

Lisa: [laughs] I'm sorry but tonight I'm drunk.

Lisa: [gives him a portrait of herself] It's gonna be worth something someday. You want me to autograph it?

Jones: I'll just hold on to it.

Lisa: Lisa: "You're no angel at all."

Addison: Addison: "No, I am not."

Lisa: Are you going to kill me?

Addison: No, you're a child, and children should be protected.

Lisa: Angels protect me.

Addison: Maybe that's how you should think of me.

[first lines]

Sara: Oh my God. Jess told me that he's like way into Ella. Ugh. Can you say slut?

Lisa: [on video chat] I heard she gave him a blumpy.

Sara: Boys are disgusting. And that guy Nick? He's thinks he's all like, look at me, I'm so beautiful.

Lisa: I think he's kinda cute.

Sara: No. No. I mean he's kinda hot, but he's *not* God's gift. No.

Lisa: I heard he hooked up with Michelle.

Sara: *No* he did not.

Elliot Vincent: [mockingly] He totally did. Like for real.

Oleg: You know, I've never fucked a cockroach killer before.

Lisa: Nice. I've never fucked a Russian.

Lisa: You know, I can't start spraying until someone cleans this mess up.

Deema: Nobody here can do it.

Lisa: What about you?

Deema: I don't do dishes.

Lisa: [smiling] Oh, we have a little bit of a problem then.

Oleg: You need money, huh?

Lisa: Yeah, most people do. Do you?

Oleg: No, I'm more of the philanthropic type.

Oleg: Listen, how would you like to make another four-hundred?

Lisa: For what, cleaning up the rest of your house?

Oleg: No, a quickie.

Lisa: Oh, I don't think you're up for that!

Oleg: You're right, but I'm willing to try.

Lisa: I think you're gonna have alot more luck with those girlies at the pool.

Lisa: I should go.

Oleg: No, stay.

Lisa: Why?

Oleg: I told you I'm lonely, I need somebody. I'll pay you.

Lisa: [pauses] How much?

Oleg: How much do you want?

Lisa: Alot. And I'm not gonna fuck you.

Oleg: It's a deal.

[pause]

Oleg: I like being with you.

Claudette: Everything goes wrong all at once. Nobody wants to help me. And I'm dying.

Lisa: You're not dying, mom.

Claudette: I got the results of the test back - I definitely have breast cancer.

Lisa: Do you want me to order a pizza?

Johnny: Whatever, I don't care.

Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.

Johnny: You think about everything, ha ha ha.

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?

Johnny: Nah.

[pause]

Lisa: You didn't get it, did you?

Lisa: You can come out now, Johnny. She's gone.

Johnny: In a few minutes, bitch.

Lisa: Who are you calling a bitch?

Johnny: You and your stupid mother.

Lisa: I miss you, Mark.

Mark: What are you talking about? I just saw you!

Johnny: How dare you talk to me like that!

[pushes Lisa back on the couch]

Johnny: You should tell me everything!

Lisa: I can't talk right now.

Johnny: [sits next to Lisa] Why, Lisa? Why, Lisa? Please talk to me, please! You are part of my life! You are everything! I could not go on without you, Lisa.

Lisa: You're scaring me.

[Lisa gets up, but Johnny also gets up]

Johnny: You're lying! I never hit you! You are tearing me apart, Lisa!

Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?

Lisa: Denny, look at me in the eyes and tell the truth. We're your friends.

Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up. I didn't mean for this to happen!

Lisa: [crying] Denny...

Denny: I don't have them anymore!

Lisa: What kind of drugs, Denny?

Denny: It doesn't matter, I don't have them anymore!

Claudette: It doesn't matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs?

Lisa: Mom...

Claudette: What? Were you giving them to him, selling them to him? Where in the hell did you meet that man?

Lisa: [screaming] What kind of drugs do you take?

Denny: It's nothing like that!

Lisa: [screaming] What the hell is wrong with you?

Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff!

Lisa: How much do you have to give him?

Claudette: This is not the way you make money!

Lisa: [screaming] How much?

Denny: [screaming] Stop ganging up on me!

Claudette: Well, it is time somebody ganged up on you for God's sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?

Denny: It doesn't matter!

Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you! You almost got killed and you expect me to forget that happened?

Denny: You're not my fucking mother!

Claudette: [grabs Denny by the shirt] You listen, you little boy!

Lisa: No, stop! No!

[grabs and hugs Denny]

Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here!

Lisa: She's a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?

Mark: [confused] I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress... I mean, what's going on here?

Lisa: I like you very much. Lover... boy.

Steven: When is the baby due?

Lisa: There is no baby.

Steven: What? What are you talking about?

Lisa: I told him that to make it interesting.

Lisa: I've lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?

Mark: You don't *have* me. You'll *never* have me. You killed him.

Lisa: Mark, we're free to be together. I love you. I love you!

Mark: Tramp. You killed him; you're the cause of all of this. I don't love you. Get out of my life, you bitch!

Lisa: Denny, are you okay? What did that man want from you?

Denny: Nothing.

Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!

Lisa: Tell me everything!

Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you're in here, do you?

Denny: I owe him some money.

Lisa: What kind of money?

Denny: I owe him some money!

Lisa: What kind of money?

Denny: Everything is okay! He's gone!

Claudette: Everything is not okay. Denny, that is a dangerous man!

Denny: Calm down! He's going to jail!

Lisa: Denny, what kind of money? Just tell me!

Claudette: What do you need money for?

Lisa: Mom, please! Denny is with me and Johnny!

Claudette: A man like that! With a gun! My god!

Mark: Wow. So, uh, you gonna be ready?

Lisa: How do you mean that? I'm always ready... for you.

Lisa: I just wanted to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much.

[repeated line]

Lisa: I don't want to talk about it.

Denny: Can I kiss you?

Lisa: You are such a little brat!

Denny: I was just kidding! I love you and Johnny!

[first lines]

Johnny: Hi, babe. I have something for you.

Lisa: What is it?

Johnny: Just a little something.

Lisa: I'm fixing the apartment for Johnny's birthday, but I'm really not into it.

Claudette: Oh? Why not?

Lisa: 'Cause I'm in love with Mark, not Johnny. And here I am planning his party.

Claudette: It's not right, Lisa. I still think you should marry Johnny! Now, you can't live on love. You need financial security.

Lisa: But I'm not happy! And he still thinks I'm going to marry him next month. He's a fool.

Lisa: It can't wait 'til later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.

Mark: Okay. All right, what do you want to talk about?

Lisa: She's a stupid bitch.

Johnny: [as Lisa comes down the stairs, changed into the red gown Johnny bought for her as a present earlier on] Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa!

Lisa: [twirls around as she reveals her figure and sways the dress] Isn't it fabulous?

Lisa: I've had one from Colombia, one from Brazil, one from Argentina... one from Germany when I was in high school. I have...

[grins]

Lisa: An English boyfriend.

Lisa: You look like a gangster like that.

Matt: I'm trying to look like a gangster.

Lisa: You look ugly.

Matt: I'm trying to look ugly.

Lisa: Only unhappy people are bad dancers.

Lisa: Those glasses look so ugly.

Matt: I'm trying to look ugly.

Lisa: They look stupid.

Matt: I'm trying to look stupid.

Lisa: Sometimes you have to have faith in people.

Lisa: [after taking some speed] You are so boring today. Boring... bo-ring... I'm sure there's someone named Bo... Bo Ring. Bo Derek...

Matt: You're so fucking interesting when you start taking pills at this time of day.

Lisa: You know what, I haven't even taken any fucking pills at this time of the day. That I take every day, that I've been taking since you fucking met me.

[when Matt indicated to the bottle of pills she just took]

Lisa: I haven't taken any of those pills. Did you see me take any of those pills? You've been sitting right in front of me. Are you sitting in front of me not even looking at me? Don't even pay any fucking attention to me.

[Lisa is standing in front of a mirror looking at her naked, skinny, flat-chested body]

Lisa: Do I look like a boy?

Matt: [sarcastic] Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I like you.

Lisa: [whispered] Fuck me, Matt... Matt, come up here and fuck me.

Lisa: [after snorting a line of cocaine] That was a really big lump, actually.

Lisa: The Ice is everywhere and everything. It spreads to all sides unbounded void of alien whiteness in geometric rigor. The Antarctic is highest, windest, driest continents. Its topography and dynamics is the simplest on earth. An exercise of reductionism. The iceberg is the microcosm of the Antarctica. Its fragment torn loose from the continents both substance and symbol within it's ICE the burg contains record of all ICE terrains. As it moves away from the massive ICE it gradually disintegrates. Most burgs last less than two month in an open sea.

Chelsea Lutz: Jodie says you're a bad babysitter.

Lisa: Yeah? Well Jodie's... what's the word? Dead.

Chelsea Lutz: Is not.

Lisa: That little shit got me fired.

Billy Lutz: Hi... I'm Billy.

[Lisa talks to Kathy and George]

Billy Lutz: Hi... I'm Billy.

Lisa: Yeah, I got ya the first time.

Billy Lutz: How did he do it?

Michael Lutz: Do what?

Lisa: You are way too young to hear this. So cover your ears. And don't listen. A rifle. Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! He went from room to room, splattering their heads as they slept. He killed his brothers in this very room. Right here... in these beds.

Lisa: It's kinda gross that you guys still sleep in here. Actually, it's fucking sick.

[Matthew meets Lisa for the first time and attempts to try a shoe fitting for her]

Matthew: [Matthew clears his throat] Could I help you with anything?

Lisa: Yes. Those shoes in the window. The black ones with the red sole. I'd like to try them on, please.

Matthew: The blacks and reds. Okay. Well, I'll just go in the back and get them for you. That's where we keep them, in the back, so... I'll be right back.

Luke: Uh, Matty. Maybe you'd like to ask the lady what size shoe she wears.

Matthew: Right.

Lisa: 8 1/2.

Matthew: Like Fellini.

Lisa: Right.

Matthew: I mean his movie, not his shoe size. I don't know his shoe size, obviously.

[Matthew blushes as she stares at him]

Matthew: 8 1/2.

Matthew: [Matthew rushes into the back of the shoe store] Shit.

Luke: What was that?

Matthew: Fellini! What the hell was I thinking.

Luke: I have no idea. But you were right about one thing. God, she is beautiful. And you, my man, are an idiot. All right, look. Here's the thing, all right? You've obviously blown it, she obviously hates you. So you stay right here and let the man take a shot.

Matthew: Shut up. Give me the shoes.

Luke: All right. Go. Just remember... you're not funny.

Matthew: [Matthew gathers himself in deep breaths and walks back to Lisa] Here we go. Black and red.

[Matthew nervously slides one shoe onto Lisa's foot as she smiles down at him, then she looks at herself in the mirror]

Matthew: What do you think?

Lisa: They're too big.

[Lisa confronts Matthew about spying on her in the shoe store]

Lisa: Do you normally spy on people?

Matthew: What?

Lisa: Are you really gonna tell me that you're a huge fan of modern dance?

Matthew: Look, I've never done anything like that before. Honestly, could you let me take you out for a cup of coffee and explain.

Lisa: [chuckles] I don't think so.

Matthew: I'll stay on my side of the table. I promise.

Lisa: Just call me when the shoes come in, okay?

Matthew: Listen, I'm not what you think I am, okay?

[Lisa smiles at Matthew on her way out the front door]

Matthew: Shit.

Lisa: [Matthew notices that she wrote a message on the shoebox instead of leaving her phone number for the shoes] Tomorrow night. 6:00. Cafe Tangiers on Kinzie. Now you won't have to follow me.

[Matthew and Lisa talk while strolling the snowy sidewalk of their first date]

Lisa: Well, my parents eventually split up, and my mother moved back to Prague. But my dad's still here. He lives in California.

Matthew: I wish I was in California right now.

Lisa: So, why did you want to become a photographer.

Matthew: Fish.

Lisa: Fish.

Matthew: Tropical fish, actually. When I was a kid, I use to go to the library and pick out all the books with tropical fish, you know. Beautiful colors and shapes. When I was 8 years old, I realized someone had to take pictures of the fish, I wanted that to be me. But I grew up and then I realized that things don't have to be extraordinary to be beautiful. The ordinary could be just as beautiful.

Lisa: Like what?

Matthew: Well... Like, you see the couple there? Look at the way the girl is holding on to him so tight. But he can still drink his coffee, you know. It looks like she feels safe wrapping around him. And if you believe that, I'll tell you another one.

[smiles]

Lisa: Take my picture. I feel beautiful tonight.

[laughs, the two hold hands and continue to stroll]

Lisa: [We see Matthew drive Lisa back to her apartment building to drop her off, the two kiss]

Lisa: Bye.

[Matthew is too nervous to say it back]

Matthew: [Lisa waves at him in his car from the steps] Bye.

[Matthew drives forward, slams his breaks, and drives in reverse slamming on his breaks]

Matthew: [Matthew rushes up the stairs to her apartment door] Hi.

Lisa: Hi.

[Lisa pulls him into the room and the two continue to make out]

[Alex films Lisa with her new video camera]

Lisa: Come on, let me film you.

Alex: No, you first.

Lisa: Come on, Alex. Are you shy? You can't be shy if you wanna be an actress.

Lisa: [Lisa holds up a book] Here.

Alex: Shakespeare.

Lisa: [Lisa continues to hold the book up to Alex and the camera] This is your big break.

Alex: That's Shakespeare. I can't do that. That's too hard.

Lisa: [Lisa begins to quote Shakespeare at the camera] Haply, when I shall wed. That lord whose hand must take my plight shall carry half my love with him, half my care and duty. Surely I shall never marry like my sisters to love my father all.

[Alex begins to grows jealous of Lisa's natural acting ability]

Lisa: So true, my lord. In life... Ah! I blew it. I'm sorry. That was bad.

Alex: No, that was amazing.

Lisa: [Lisa tells Alex through the camera] You know, the thing with acting is, Alex, you just have to commit. Otherwise, you're just a phony.

[Lisa calls Luke's phone number that Matthew left with the bartender for her]

Luke: Hello?

Lisa: Hi, ummm... may I speak to Matthew, please?

Luke: Who is this?

Lisa: Um, this is Lisa? I'm a friend of his. I'm calling about my compact. I think he might have found it.

Luke: Uh, which Lisa is this?

Lisa: Pardon me?

Luke: [Luke grabs his head at how dumb of a question that sounded] Uh, I'll tell you what. He's actually supposed to be here in a couple of minutes.

Matthew: [At the same time, the camera goes to Alex calling Matthew so that he doesn't leave to go to Luke's home] Hello?

Alex: Hello!

Matthew: Hi.

Alex: Hi. I'm sorry I didn't come back. My, um... Double shift turned into a triple, and I just couldn't get away.

Matthew: It's okay. Don't worry about it.

Alex: Are you mad?

Matthew: No. Not at all. I had a great time. Where are you?

Alex: Well, I'm still at work but, um, I'm just leaving now, so why don't you wait?

Matthew: Yeah, I'll wait.

Alex: Okay, great. I'll see you soon.

[Matthew hangs up knowing something is strangely wrong]

Luke: [the camera goes back to Luke and Lisa on the phone] Let me, uh... Let me grab your phone number, and I will have him call you when he gets in.

Lisa: Um, you know, actually, could you just tell him to meet me at 3:00? He'd know where. Um, I'll be waiting for him.

Luke: 3:00. Okay.

[someone knocks at Luke's front door]

Luke: You know what, it can't be him already, but I'm expecting him. And someone's at my front door, so maybe it is him. So hold on one second.

[Lisa has a flashback of the last time she saw Matthew and when he asked her to move in with him]

Luke: Yeah, I'm sorry. It wasn't him, it was someone else. But I promise I will give him your message. Okay?

Lisa: Oh. Okay. Thank you.

[Lisa hangs up praying with tears in her eyes that she hasn't lost Matthew entirely]

[Alex finally tells Matthew the truth]

Matthew: You knew she was here the whole time?

Alex: [Alex reaches into her bag and grabs the envelop she was suppose to give to Matthew two years earlier] This belongs to you. It's from her.

Lisa: [Lisa's words in the letter] Matt, please don't think that I'm running away from you. I was so overwhelmed when you asked me to move in, I couldn't speak. My answer, of course, is yes. I love you, and can't wait to come home.

Alex: [Alex in tears] I'm not going to apologize for what I've done. This is for me to live with now. Now you see me for who I am.

Matthew: Yes, I do.

Lisa: How did you get to be so extraordinary? Aah, oh, yeah! I wanna hear all about...

Harry Cox: I can think of better things to do than to talk.

Lisa: I'm just excited to get to go away for our dirty weekend.

Harry Cox: What's a dirty weekend? What is that, a Brit expression?

Lisa: No, Angelica told me about it. It's one of those weekends away. Somewhere you're not supposed to be with someone you're not supposed to be with.

Lisa: I'm leaving you

Nino Barlini: Leaving? For how long?

Lisa: For always you fool. Forever.

Lisa: I met a boy, an American who want to go to the Greek islands and dive for relics.

Nino Barlini: In the first place, diving is a great bore.

Lisa: How do you know? Have you ever done it?

Nino Barlini: Some things one can tell without doing them that they will be a great bore and the underwater is for fish not for people.

Nino Barlini: In the second place, they are not relics at all.

Nino Barlini: I have on authority from a close friend that things are manufactured and then dumped into the water to be found by foolish American boy tourists and the girl who are foolish enough to go with them.

Lisa: This is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Nino Barlini: I have on authority from a close friend

Lisa: Do you want me to stay?

Nino Barlini: You are old enough to make your own decisions.

Lisa: Then I'm going, all right?

Nino Barlini: Yes, I definitely think you should go to the Greek islands with your Amerrican boyfriend. I think you should go to hell.

Lisa: Are you never afraid?

Nino Barlini: Not ever.

Lisa: Why?

Nino Barlini: Because, I am immortal.

Nino Barlini: Dance?

Lisa: I don't dance.

Nino Barlini: Have a drink with me.

Lisa: I don't drink.

Nino Barlini: Smoke?

Lisa: I don't smoke.

Nino Barlini: What do you do?

Peter: Do we have a problem?

Lisa: Of course we don't have a problem.

Peter: Is that the problem?

Lisa: Do you often stalk people?

[Lorna and Lisa casually encounter in the Andrew's wife funeral]

Lorna: Hey.

Lisa: Hello, Lorna. How are you?

Lorna: I'm...

[chuckles]

Lorna: Did you- did you know her?

Lisa: Uh- yeah, we met at a yoga class.

Lorna: Small world.

Lisa: Yeah. We make it small when we want to.

Lorna: What do you mean?

Lisa: By opening doors instead of closing them.

Lorna: You trying to tell me something? Because everyone here is looking at me and talking to me as if I'm part of this.

Lisa: About what, this disaster?

[pause]

Lisa: I didn't mean anything by it. It is a small world.

Martin Von Essenbeck: Lisa. Look what I've brought you. Do you like this little horse?

Lisa: Yes, thank you.

Martin Von Essenbeck: You can ride on it. Do you like it? Hmmm? You can caress it. Try it Lisa. It's all yours. Do you like it?

Lisa: Yes.

Lisa: If you ever wanna get in my pants again, you better start the car and get my ass out of here right now!

Sarah Tunny: [drunken laughter] My mother has to get her shit together first... she sorta had a nervous freak-out after my dad died.

Lisa: [sympathetic] Were you close to him?

Sarah Tunny: [surprised at Lisa's understanding] Yeah... real close. I miss him a lot.

Rayan: [subtitled version]

[to Laure]

Rayan: We hear you're a girl. We're gonna check that.

Lisa: Stop it! What do you think you're doing?

Rayan: We're gonna check if she's really a girl.

Lisa: Leave him alone.

Rayan: You're right. It's YOU who'll check.

Lisa: No, I won't.

Rayan: If she's a girl, then you kissed her. It's disgusting. Right?

Lisa: Yes, it's disgusting.

Rayan: Then, you're gonna do it.

[Lisa pulls down Laure's pants]

[last lines]

Lisa: What's your name?

Laure: My name is Laure.

Lisa: [subtitled version] Are you looking for the others? I noticed you looking at them. They already left. Are you new around here?

Laure: Yeah, we got in yesterday.

Lisa: I'm Lisa. I live here.

[pause]

Lisa: You're shy.

Laure: No, I'm not.

Lisa: Won't you tell me your name?

Laure: Mikael, my name is Mikael.

La mère de Lisa: Lisa?

Lisa: Yes?

La mère de Lisa: Come here. This is Mikael's mum. She's come here to say Mikael is not actually Mikael but a girl, not a boy. She's waiting for you in the kitchen.

Amber: He's trying to scare me off.

Lisa: He's so good at that.

Lisa: How come there are some things you are suppose to like? And others that you aren't suppose to like? So we decided to do the opposite instead.

Lisa: [Curt smells Lisa's sweater that she left behind not noticing that she came back] How's it smell?

Curt Martin: Like You?

Lisa: [Lisa takes the sweater and smells it too] I wouldn't know, can't smell myself. Thank you!

Lisa: Hi.

Curt Martin: Hi.

Lisa: What's your name?

Curt Martin: Curt.

Lisa: Hi Curt, I'm Lisa.

Curt Martin: Hi.

Lisa: Hi. Listen Curt, I think it's the best policy to be totally honest with people, you know. I think that's the best way to go, don't you?

Curt Martin: That sounds good.

Lisa: yeah, well Curt, your fly's open. Thought maybe you'd wanna know.

Curt Martin: Why were you looking there?

Lisa: That's a good question. sorry.

[laughs]

Curt Martin: Would you like to go out a get a cup of coffee with me?

Ronnie Heflin: I want to make a toast. To my little queen... No matter what happens. Cheer?

Bobby: Cheers.

[as they all toast]

Lisa: [turns to look at Crissy and then back] If that bitch wins... I'll hurl!

Donna: Ok, I'm sorry. Would you just explain to me, why do you care? What do you get? A bouquet of roses and a tacky tiara you can only wear to proms?

Lisa: It's not about what you get. It's like, it's about the honor, you know. It's about the respect of my peers.

Bobby: [laughing with everyone] Are you serious?

Donna: That's the geekiest thing you've ever said.

Lisa: [beat] Ok, 'guess it was a little geeky. But seriously. I just want Crissy to know that she can't buy everything and think about the reunions to come. I win, it'll eat away at her until the day she dies.

Ms. Waters: Lisa! Wow! That is so...

Crissy Lynn: [off screen] Inappropriate.

Lisa: Crissy! Wow, your dress is so simple. It's so you.

Donna: [walking up the steps] Crissy, come one. This is prom, Let's just all be nice and forget the past.

Crissy Lynn: [walks down a few steps, to Lisa] As fellow prom queen nominee, I want to wish you luck tonight. You're gonna need all you can get.

Lisa: [intimidated] You think you got it all wrapped up, do you?

Crissy Lynn: [snearing] Well, they're certainly not propped up and on parade like yours are. That's for sure.

Businessman #1: [in the elevator] So, which one of you lovely ladies is my date tonight?

Businessman #2: [as the girls are laughing] So, we're gonna take this party upstairs ladies. Room 604.

Lisa: Yeah. We'll be right up.

Donna: [still laughing] Lisa!

Lisa: What color is your dress?

Donna: It's a champagne color. Then it's a little sexy.

Lisa: It doesn't surprise me that there's another woman. Of course, the fact that she's dead gives one pause.

Lisa: So, she's six weeks pregnant. That means the baby's due in... April, May... June. Gemini. That's cool. Einstein was a Gemini. So's that Scottish gal from Garbage.

Tom Witzky: Will you go help Jake with his pajamas?

Lisa: If she's late...

Tom Witzky: Lisa, I swear to God, start with the Dionne Warwick stuff and I'll throw you out of the fuckin' window, so please help him with the pajamas.

Lisa: Love you, too, Tom.

Lisa: Animal.

Tom Witzky: What'd I do this time?

Lisa: Should I tell him?

Maggie Witzky: If you wanna die!

Lisa: Well, your beer-addled sperm still works.

Maggie Witzky: LISA?

Lisa: You impregnated my sister again.

Maggie Witzky: BITCH!

Lisa: I thought you wanted me to tell him.

Maggie Witzky: Why, because I said don't?

Lisa: There's only eight percent of the population that's, like, highly hypnotizable. I mean, almost anybody can go under a little, but not way under. Not freaky under. Like he did.

Lisa: They should make heroin look like something else. Candy bars maybe.

[first lines]

Lisa: Come on Louis, come on!

The Old Man: Be careful, Lisa.

Lisa: You too, Louis.

Carol: Lisa, you haven't even touched your meatloaf.

Lisa: Meat is murder.

Lisa: It's like mom's pancakes. Every morning she makes them for breakfast. And you're always trying to fix the car, which for some mysterious reason has always stopped running. Then Mac & Cheese for lunch. Then we have meatloaf for dinner. Every night. At 8:00 we watch Murder She Wrote. We go to bed, wake up tomorrow, and do exact same thing.

Bruce: Well you have school tomorrow, and I have work, so...

Lisa: There is no school. There is no work.

Carol: Then what about your birthday, that's not tomorrow either?

Lisa: No. It never comes. It's always the day before I turn 16. It's pretty frustrating.

[last lines]

Lisa: What's out there?

Bruce: Whatever you want there to be.

Jenny: It almost got Lisa.

Lisa: No, it wanted Deputy Wargle first; it wants men like him most of all.

Jenny: What do you mean, it wants men like him?

Lisa: Well, it's the devil, don't you think? Come up from hell tonight? I think he wants to dance with us.

Lisa: See? L.A. is good for something.

Lisa: Help! I just woke up in a tub of ice, and-!

911 Operator: Don't tell me; Your kidney's gone...

Lisa: Yes!

911 Operator: Listen, honey! I've got Princess Di on line 4. I gotta go!

[Travis watches Lisa down her second cocktail]

Lisa: Come on. Drink up.

Travis: Don't you have a plane to catch?

Lisa: Wasted is the only way to fly.

Max: I have been saddled with Rose since Mom and Dad died. Not you, me. She is not your problem!

Lisa: What is wrong with you?

Max: Not a goddamn thing, that's what. I'm young, healthy. I got all the time in the world since I was just fired. Yeah, what, are you surprised? Surprised that I couldn't manage a full-time job while raising a chronically sick 8-year-old?

Lisa: You should have said something.

Max: Gee, I wish I had. Oh, wait, I did, but you were too busy fucking Andy all over the goddamn building to listen to me.

Lisa: Max, please, can we just all go? I mean, if we don't have to be here.

Max: We're not going anywhere, sis. But you, maybe it's time you go.

Sullivan: Are there any other boys living in this building?

Lisa: No, Jake was it... Why?

Rose: [holding up a Mr. Potato Head toy] Do boys like Mr. Potato Head?

Lisa: [laughing] I guess.

Ricky: [looking under the hood of Tom and Lisa's car] Hey, Alex I found it. The alternator wire's loose.

Alex: [sarcastic] Wonderful, Ricky. Wonderful!

Ricky: I'll have it fixed in a minute.

Alex: Take your time. Take your time.

Ricky: Why?

Alex: [serious tone] Why not? It's too late to go boogying anyway.

Ricky: Too late? No, come on. What are we going to do? The night's still young.

Alex: Well... I hear there's a party. You up for a party?

Lisa: I told you, it's not a party.

Alex: Well, when we get there, we'll make it one.

Lisa: You want me to dance with you at the party?

Alex: Oh... you'll dance all right.

Lisa: I've never been to confession, and for curious people, who have a knife in their hand, I feel only pitty!

Lisa: I've never been through this part of the city.

Tom: A shortcut. We just have to cross the GW Bridge and it's about three minutes to Exit 9.

Lisa: Will Gloria, Howard and Glenda be there already?

Tom: So I assume. Howard said that they were leaving early so I gave him the key.

Lisa: So they can spend more time being bored.

Tom: I can see it now. Glenda will start sighing, so Gloria and Howard will run upstairs and start screwing!

Lisa: Exactly!

[last lines]

Lisa: At one point there I though we'd never make it.

Tom: Yeah, me too. The gun was harder to get at then I thought. It's like he had eyes in the back of his head.

Lisa: What matters is that it's all over.

Tom: But at what price? But then again... you found it exiting and real high, didn't you?

[Lisa leans towards Tom and gives him a firm but ambiguous look; Tom picks up a phone and dials a number]

Tom: [into the phone] Hello? Police?

Lisa: Monica, I need to pee.

Monica: Just hold it in.

Lisa: I have been waiting for over an hour.

Lisa: I hear you bought yourself a haunted house.

John Baxter: I just bought the house, not the ghost.

Lisa: Ron DeFeo. Murdered his mother... and his father... and his four brothers and sisters in this house. God. The master bedroom. This is where he began. And then right here. He fired two more shots. The sound muffled by the crash of thunder outside. And then he went upstairs, to the children's room...

[Susan and Lisa are terrified by the sound of footsteps from above]

John Baxter: [appears from above] Hi.

Susan Baxter: Oh. Oh daddy, you scared us.

Lisa: [obviously relieved] Not me.

Jeff: [with makeshift Ouija] I got a good question! Can it tell us what color panties Lisa's wearing?

Roger: Come on, Jeff... everybody knows that!

Lisa: [sarcastic laugh] Up yours, darling.

Jeff: Alright! Wait, wait. I got it. I got a great question. It's great! Alright, is... anyone in this room... going to be dead before next year...

Susan Baxter: No! No. Don't ask questions like that.

Lisa: You guys! You guys, Susan is right. No more stupid questions, okay. You're ruining everything. Now you just ask the spirit who it is and what it wants!

Lisa: [after everyone returns their fingers to the glass] Is there anyone in this room who is really in danger.

Susan Baxter: That's not what you said.

Lisa: [after the glass slides away by itself and smashes] Susan, what are you doing throwing the glass against the wall like that...

Lisa: [On the letters framed on Colt's wall] God, you blast them all: blacks, Jews, Mexicans...

Lisa: Mom, Dad, the drugs are more important than you!

Lisa: Shut up and take off your pants.

Lisa: [possessed] Don't break my balls, priest!

Lisa: [possessed] Take your shitty hands off me!

Father Michael: Where did you come from?

Lisa: [possessed] From a cunt.

Kelly: Are you coming to the party?

Paul: Of course we're coming to the party.

Kelly: Then just head back that way, it's a left, and a right...

Lisa: Follow us, if you think you can keep up.

Monique: Once I started doing it, it's like I couldn't get enough. I had to do it all the time.

Lisa: You fucked around, didn't you?

Lauf: My name is Lauf, criminal investigation department. That man, is he an acquaintance of yours?

Lisa: A lover.

Lauf: A good one?

Lisa: Sometimes.

Lisa: What is it that you want Jade?

Jade Li: To win the Academy Award.

Lisa: And I get invited to the ceremony?

Jade Li: Of course. You know, I'd get nominated for a really dramatic part. Something really hard and real. I don't know, something that I had to, like, gain weight for. Something.

Lisa: Bring your ray gun?

[last lines]

Skif: Will you be with me?

Lisa: Such simple words. Couldn't you have said them before?

Skif: Will you be with me?

Lisa: Can you see anyone else around?

Lisa: [taking a wine glass from Camille's silver platter and glancing individually from Rick to Annabel to Will and finally Camille as she seats herself] Let me see if I got this straight. The drug-dealing erotic with the double life. The self-conscious follower. The abusive, womanizing, sociopath. And finally, the gold digging social climber

[presents a fake smile to the group seated apart from Will taken aback at her comments]

Will LaSalle: [In response to Lisa's analysis of the group] Very Cute.

Lisa: Well I've been around you know. I have seen all the skeletons in your closets. Probably even the ones you hide from each other.

Camille: [sternly as she looks up] Okay that's enough.

Jeff: Why would a man leave his apartment three times on a rainy night with a suitcase and come back three times?

Lisa: He likes the way his wife welcomes him home.

Lisa: I wish I were creative.

Jeff: You are. You're great at creating difficult situations.

Lisa: What's he doing? Cleaning house?

Jeff: He's washing and scrubbing down the bathroom walls.

Stella: Must've splattered a lot.

[both Jeff and Lisa look at Stella with disgust]

Stella: Come on, that's what were all thinkin'. He killed her in there, now he has to clean up those stains before he leaves.

Lisa: Stella... your choice of words!

Stella: Nobody ever invented a polite word for a killin' yet.

Jeff: When am I going to see you again?

Lisa: [angry] Not for a long time...

[softening]

Lisa: at least not until tomorrow night.

Lisa: The last thing Mrs. Thorwald would leave behind would be her wedding ring. Stella, do you ever leave yours at home?

Stella: The only way somebody would get that would be to chop off my - finger. Let's go down to the garden and find out what's buried there.

Lisa: Why not? I always wanted to meet Mrs. Thorwald.

Lisa: Today's a very special day.

Jeff: It's just another run-of-the-mill Wednesday. The calendar's full of 'em.

Lisa: What's a logical explanation for a woman taking a trip with no luggage?

Jeff: That she didn't know she was going on a trip and where she was going she wouldn't need any luggage.

Lisa: Exactly.

Lt. Doyle: How do you do?

Lisa: We think Thorwald's guilty.

Lisa: I'm not much on rear window ethics.

Lisa: How's your leg?

Jeff: Hurts a little.

Lisa: Your stomach?

Jeff: Empty as a football.

Lisa: And your love life?

Jeff: Not too active.

Lisa: Anything else bothering you?

Jeff: Uh-huh, who are you?

Lisa: Tell me exactly what you saw and what you think it means.

Jeff: She's like a queen bee with her pick of the drones.

Lisa: I'd say she's doing a woman's hardest job: juggling wolves.

Jeff: Those two yellow zinnias at the end, they're shorter now. Now since when do flowers grow shorter over the course of two weeks? Something's buried there.

Lisa: Mrs. Thorwald!

Stella: You haven't spent much time around cemeteries, have you? Mr. Thorwald could hardly bury his wife's body in plot of ground about one foot square. Unless he put her in standing on end, in which case he wouldn't need the knives and saw.

Lisa: Where does a man get inspiration to write a song like that?

Jeff: He gets it from the landlady once a month.

Lisa: You can't ignore the wife dissapearing, and the trunk, and the jewelery.

Lt. Doyle: I checked the railroad station. Yesterday at 6:20 am, he bought a ticket. Ten minutes later, he put his wife on a train. Destination: Meritsville. I asure you, the witnesses are that deep.

Lisa: That might have been a woman, but it couldn't have been Mrs. Thorwald. That jewelery...

Lt. Doyle: Look, Miss Fremont, that feminine intuition stuff sells magazines, but in real life it's still a fairy tale. I don't know how many times I chased down leads based on women's intuition.

Lisa: Jeff, you know if someone came in here, they wouldn't believe what they'd see? You and me with long faces plunged into despair because we find out a man didn't kill his wife. We're two of the most frightening ghouls I've ever known.

[describing a dress]

Lisa: A steal at $1,100.

Jeff: Eleven hundred? They ought to list that dress on the stock exchange.

Lisa: A woman never goes anywhere but the hospital without packing makeup, clothes, and jewelry.

Lisa: Why would Thorwald want to kill a little dog? Because it knew too much?

Lisa: Well, if there's one thing I know, it's how to wear the proper clothes.

Lisa: Did Lt. Doyle think I stole this purse?

Jeff: No, Lisa, I don't think he did.

Jeff: I've seen bickering and family quarrels and mysterious trips at night, and knives and saws and ropes, and now since last evening, not a sign of the wife. How do you explain that?

Lisa: Maybe she died.

Jeff: Where's the doctor? Where's the undertaker?

Lisa: A murderer would never parade his crime in front of an open window.

Lisa: Oh I love funny exiting lines.

Lisa: According to you, people should be born, live, and die in the same place.

Lt. Doyle: What do you say we all sit down and have a nice friendly drink too, hmm? Forget all about this. We can tell lies about the good old days during the war.

Lisa: So that's it? You're through with the case?

Lt. Doyle: There is no case to be solved. There never was.

Jeff: All right, Doyle. I take it that you didn't find the trunk. And all of this is just some speech you made up one night at a policeman's ball!

Lt. Doyle: I found the trunk, a half-an-hour after I left here this morning. It was at Grand Central Station.

Lisa: I suppose it's necessary for a man to tie up a trunk with heavy rope?

Lt. Doyle: If the lock is broken, yes.

Jeff: And what did you find inside the trunk? Surely no tomato paste to me?

Lt. Doyle: Mrs. Thorwald's clothes. Clean, well-packed, not stylish, but presentable.

Lisa: Didn't you take them to the police crime lab to have them examined?

Lt. Doyle: I re-packed them and sent them on their merry and legal way.

Jeff: Why would a woman who is going away for a short trip does she take everything that she owns?

Lt. Doyle: [glares at Lisa] Let's let the female psychologist answer that.

Lisa: It's looks to me like she is never comming back.

Lt. Doyle: Now, that is known as a private family quarell.

Jeff: All right, but if she was never comming back, why didn't he tell his landlord that? I'll tell you why Thorwald never told his landlord that his wife was never comming back. It's because he was hiding something in the apartment... or he still is.

Lt. Doyle: [stares at Lisa's overnight bag nearby] Do you tell your landlord everything?

Jeff: [embarassed] Uh... I told you to be careful, Tom.

Lt. Doyle: Lars Thorwald... is no more a murderer than I am.

Jeff: [stunned] You mean that you can explain everything strange that has been going on over there, and is still going on?

Lt. Doyle: No, and neither can you. That's a secret private world your looking into out there. People do a lot of things in private they couldn't possibly explain in public.

Lisa: Like killing their wives?

Lt. Doyle: Get that idea out of your head. It will only lead you in the wrong direction.

Lt. Doyle: Oh, Jeff, if you need any more help, consult the yellow pages in your telephone directory.

Lisa: Oh, I love funny exit lines.