Lionel Twain Quotes in Murder by Death (1976)

Lionel Twain: You've tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that made no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages that were never in the book before. You've withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it. But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge. When the world learns I've outsmarted you, they'll be selling your $1.95 books for twelve cents.

Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!

Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?

Dora Charleston: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?

Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

Lionel Twain: How do I look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, twelve hours sleep a night, and *lots* and *lots* of makeup.

Milo Perrier: What do you make of all of this, Wang?

Sidney Wang: Is confusing.

Lionel Twain: [from moose head] IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Sidney Wang: Oh, there, voice come from cow on wall...

Lionel Twain: [from moose head] Moose, moose, you imbecile!

Sidney Wang: What meaning of this, Mr. Twain?

Lionel Twain: I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if YOU can tell ME why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his *prepositions* or *articles!* "What IS THE," Mr. Wang! "What IS THE meaning of this?"

Sidney Wang: That what I said! "What meaning of this?"

Sam Diamond: You say you know who's going to get it?

Lionel Twain: Intimately.

Inspector Milo Perrier: And you know how the crime is to be committed?

Lionel Twain: Definitely.

Sidney Wang: And exactly what time murder to take place?

Lionel Twain: *The* murder. Precisely.

Dora Charleston: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?

Lionel Twain: That drives me crazy!

Sam Diamond: Sounds like a short ride to me.

Lionel Twain: In need of a hint Miss Marbles? You all mistake what you assume. THEY NEVER LEFT THE DINING ROOM! Count the numbers one to ten, turn the knob and try again!

Lionel Twain: Aha, stumped already. Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier?

Inspector Milo Perrier: Clues? I need no clues from you! I find my own clues, you demented lollipop!

Lionel Twain: I trust you've all been made comfortable?

Dick Charleston: Comfortable, Mr. Twain? You call poisoned wine and near decapitation comfortable?

Lionel Twain: No. I call it inspiration.

Lionel Twain: No wives! I refuse to discuss this with wives!