Linton Barwick Quotes in In the Loop (2009)

Malcolm Tucker: Linton! Linton!

Linton Barwick: Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.

Malcolm Tucker: Are you fucking me about?

Linton Barwick: Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?

Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.

Linton Barwick: You're talking about AJ. AJ is one of our top guys. He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard. One of the brightest and best.

Malcolm Tucker: Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti. When I left, I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord.

Linton Barwick: I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But could we just move on to what's important here? Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, say, fresh British intelligence, is that true?

Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently, your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...

Linton Barwick: All right.

Malcolm Tucker: ...between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers. So, an actual grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.

Linton Barwick: I can't stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth. It reminds me of that Country & Western music which I cannot abide.

Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.

Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted.

Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London?

Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches...

Linton Barwick: Really, what?

Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers. She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP.

Linton Barwick: PWIP what?

Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP.

Linton Barwick: What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?

Bob Adriano: I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention.

Linton Barwick: We have all the facts on this we need. We don't need any more facts. In the land of truth, my friend, the man with one fact is the king. You said there was something else, what is that?

Bob Adriano: In the meeting with the Foreign Office, the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to.

Linton Barwick: Which committee?

Bob Adriano: The...

[quietly]

Bob Adriano: The war committee, sir.

Linton Barwick: All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh? She is an excitable, yapping she-dog. Get a hold of those minutes. I have to correct the record.

Bob Adriano: We can do that?

Linton Barwick: Yes, we can. Those minutes are an aide-memoire for us. They should not be a reductive record of what happened to have been said, but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said. I think that's the more accurate version, don't you?

Linton Barwick: So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker. Where is that intel, huh? What sort of intel have you rustled up?

Malcolm Tucker: Ah, the smoking intel?

Linton Barwick: Yeah.

Malcolm Tucker: Well, honestly, I haven't got it.

Linton Barwick: You haven't got it? All right. OK. Well, then, can you delay the vote? lt'd give you the time to get it.

Malcolm Tucker: I've just had it brought forward.

Linton Barwick: I am telling you, delay the vote and make yourself some time to get the intel, because I need it, my friend.

Malcolm Tucker: Hey. OK. Just a quick reality check here, J Edgar Fucking Hoover, I don't work for you. You don't fucking tell me what to do.

Linton Barwick: OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. This is a sacred place. Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that, but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy. And, secondarily, I believe your Prime Minister has instructed you to work for me. Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker. One of your guys leaks a paper - you can't do anything. Huh? We tell you to get some intel - you can't do anything. I need you to move the vote back - you can't do anything. I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of S star-star T.

Karen Clarke: Has a decision already been made in principle to advocate invasion?

Linton Barwick: I would refer you to the recent comments of our colleague from the UK, mister Simon Foster, in that regard.

Karen Clarke: Yes, I think that mister Foster would have something to say to that.

Simon Foster: I'm certainly hearing both sides. In England we have a saying for a situation such as this, which is that it's difficult difficult lemon difficult.

Linton Barwick: It's early days, my friends. All roads lead to Munich.

[leaves]

Malcolm Tucker: 'All roads lead to Munich... ' What the fuck does that mean?

Simon Foster: Well, I think it means, uh... actually, no, no, I don't know what it means.

Linton Barwick: 'PWIP-PIP'? What is that, a report on bird-song?

Linton Barwick: Well, I don't want to be accused of micro-managing, but I cannot understand why "I Heart Huckabees" is on a list of DVDs considered suitable for armed-forces entertainment. That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops.

Karen Clarke: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the War Committee.

Linton Barwick: This is the Future Planning Committee.

Karen Clarke: Well, unofficially, it is called the War Committee.

Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee.

Lt. Gen. George Miller: Well, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.