Linda Litzke Quotes in Burn After Reading (2008)

Krapotkin: This is Mr Krapotkin from the Russian embassy.

Linda Litzke: Mr Crapkin... Is this a secure line?

Krapotkin: Are you joking?

[after having found a CD they believe contains files of the CIA]

Linda Litzke: You should put up a note in the ladies locker room.

Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found: Signal intelligence shit, CIA shit?" Hello, anybody lose their secret CIA shit? I don't think so!

Harry Pfarrer: Ya wanna come downstairs? Ya like surprises?

Linda Litzke: [cheerful] Well, I'm always open to new experiences.

Harry Pfarrer: [walking downstairs] Yeah, I tell ya. I saw an ad for this in a gentlemen's magazine. Twelve hundred bucks. I'm lookin' at this thing and I think, 'You gotta be kiddin' me.' I'm a hobbyist. Thing's basically nothing but speed rails. I figure I'd go down to Home Depot and whip this up myself for... a hundred bucks.

Linda Litzke: What is it?

Harry Pfarrer: What is it?

[pats the seat of the mechanism]

Harry Pfarrer: You sit down there, make yourself comfortable, put your feet in the stirrups, and...

[cycles the mechanism]

Linda Litzke: Oh my God.

[awed whisper]

Linda Litzke: That's fantastic.

Harry Pfarrer: It's something, isn't it? Hundred bucks, all in - not counting my labor, and the... cost of the dildo. Those things aren't cheap. See, I'd like to...

[pause]

Harry Pfarrer: ...I'm not set up to mold hard rubber.

Chad Feldheimer: This is some heavy shit.

Linda Litzke: Is that my date list?

Chad Feldheimer: No, fuck.

Linda Litzke: You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself, and these procedures, which are so incredibly not cheap... What is that?

Chad Feldheimer: I can't believe this. This is like intelligence shit.

Ted Treffon: I'm not comfortable with this.

Chad Feldheimer: This is like... I can't believe this shit I'm seeing.

Ted Treffon: Manolo found it.

Manolo: On the floor there.

Chad Feldheimer: Yeah. Manolo found like this CD just lying in a locker, a locker floor, ladies' locker. I'm like, "What, someone's music or what?" And I come in here, and it's these files, man.

Ted Treffon: I'm not comfortable with this.

Chad Feldheimer: Talking about SIGINT and signals and shit and... "Signals" means "code", you know.

Manolo: It was just lying there.

Chad Feldheimer: Talking here about department heads and their names and shit. And then there's these other files that are just, like, numbers. Arrayed. Numbers and dates and numbers and numbers and dates.And numbers and... I think that's the shit, man... The raw intelligence.

Ted Treffon: I'm not touching this. I want this out of here.

Chad Feldheimer: Just throw it out?

Linda Litzke: No. You can't do that. You should put up a note in the ladies' locker room.

Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found?" "Signals intelligence shit? CIA shit?" "Hello! Did anybody lose their secret CIA shit?" I don't think so.

Ted Treffon: I don't know, you figure it out, but I'm not comfortable with this, and I want this out of Hardbodies. We're running a gym here. God.

Chad Feldheimer: Manolo, you didn't find this.

Manolo: I found it on the floor there.

Chad Feldheimer: Yeah, I know, but...

Manolo: Right there on the floor there. Just lying there.

Linda Litzke: I'm really looking for a guy with a sense of humor.

Chad Feldheimer: That guy, wait, that guy wasn't bad.

Linda Litzke: Him?

Chad Feldheimer: No before.

Linda Litzke: Him?

Chad Feldheimer: Umm, he might not be a loser...

Linda Litzke: How can you tell?

Chad Feldheimer: That's a Brioni suit.

Linda Litzke: Yeah?

Chad Feldheimer: Shit yeah!

Linda Litzke: Does he look like he would have a sense of humor?

Chad Feldheimer: Looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor.

Ted Treffon: Linda, what do you really know about this guy?

Linda Litzke: I told you, he's in the Treasury Department.

Ted Treffon: But eh, no, I mean, you know... he could be one of these guys that cruises the Internet.

Linda Litzke: Yeah, so am I...

Ted Treffon: You're a beautiful woman. You don't need...

Linda Litzke: I've gone about as far as I can go with this body, Ted.

Ted Treffon: I think it's a beautiful - It's not a phony-baloney Hollywood body.

Linda Litzke: That's right Ted, I would be laughed out of Hollywood. I have very limited breasts, a ginormous ass, and I've got this gut that swings back and forth in front of me like a shopping cart with a bent wheel.

Ted Treffon: You know, there a lot of guys out there who would like you just the way you are.

Linda Litzke: Yeah, losers.

Krapotkin: Madam, you are mistaken. I'm Assistant Cultural Attaché. The organs of State Security are not allowed to function within the borders of your country.

Linda Litzke: Organs?

Linda Litzke: [to Chad] The fish has bitten!

Krapotkin: It was nothing. Drivel.

Linda Litzke: Dribble?