Lew Harper Quotes in Harper (1966)

Miranda Sampson: Why so fast, Harper? You trying to impress me?

Lew Harper: You got a way of starting conversations that ends conversation.

Miranda Sampson: Why is your wife divorcing you?

Lew Harper: You got a way of starting conversations that ends conversation.

Lew Harper: The bottom is loaded with nice people, Albert. Only cream and bastards rise.

Miranda Sampson: What do you do this kind of crummy work for, anyway?

Lew Harper: What, are you trying to be funny? I do it because I believe in the United Nations and Southeast Asia, and - you think it's funny if your life depends on what goes through the Panama Canal? What about the English pound? I'll tell you something - as long as there's a Siberia, you'll find Lew Harper on the job.

Miranda Sampson: Are you putting me on?

Lew Harper: Jeez, I don't think so.

Sheriff: Who is this clown?

Albert Graves: He's a private detective working for us.

Lew Harper: Yeah, I used to be a sheriff 'til I passed my literacy test.

Miranda Sampson: My stepmother, Lady Macbeth, is always going to extremes.

Lew Harper: Meaning me, Miss Sampson? I'm a very moderate-type fellow.

Miranda Sampson: Not you, especially. *Everything* she does is extreme. Other women fall off horses without getting paralyzed. Not Elaine. I think it's psychological, don't you

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: You've been reading too many books.

Miranda Sampson: That's something they'll never accuse *you* of. She's not a raving beauty anymore.

Lew Harper: [disinterested] Can I have a sandwich?

Miranda Sampson: Yes. So she retired from competition. Falling off the horse gave her the chance to do it. For all I know, she did it intentionally. And you've got to admit, it's pretty extreme, hiring a private detective when your husband's been gone just one night.

Claude: [as Harper is checking out the "Temple in the Clouds"] I know you think me a charlatan. I can only say that if you were correct, then death could not claim me too quickly. You obviously have some strong connection with the Sampsons. Don't deride me to them, I beg you. The gift of this temple was the beginning of my life. I know to you I look ridiculous, but I only want to increase the amount of love in this world. Where is the harm?

Lew Harper: Nowhere.

Lew Harper: [placing a crank call to his wife, imitating English accent into phone] Mrs. Harper? Mrs. Lewis Harper?

Susan Harper: [puzzled and sleepy] Yes...

Lew Harper: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have!

Susan Harper: Win?

Lew Harper: [flustered, thinking] ... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation...

Susan Harper: I don't want any frug lessons.

Lew Harper: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging...

[starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor]

Lew Harper: how endlessly feminine you'll feel...

[starts to really break up]

Susan Harper: [she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now] My husband is dead!

Lew Harper: [not sure where this is going] Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact...

Susan Harper: [gaining the upper hand in this joke] No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious?

[Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling]

Susan Harper: His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr. "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!

Lew Harper: [Asked if he was from Vegas] Oh, yeah. I just come up.

Bartender: You know, I would've guessed you were from Vegas.

Lew Harper: No kidding? You can tell, huh? Oh, really tell. You must be physic.

Bartender: Psychic, you mean.

Deputy Sheriff: Okay, put them up.

Lew Harper: Put what up?

Lew Harper: Your husband keeps lousy company, Mrs. Sampson, as bad as there is in LA. And that's as bad as there is.

Albert Graves: Aw, hell.

Lew Harper: Aw, hell.

Elaine Sampson: Are you going to rescue my Ralph for me?

Albert Graves: Oh, now Elaine, I don't want you to worry.

Elaine Sampson: How can I worry with men like you on the job?

Sheriff: Now there's a pretty brave woman.

Lew Harper: Yeah, gutty as hell.

Claude: I'm sorry. You may not come onto holy ground. You've not been purified. I was once a lost and evil man, blind-hearted and sinful. Miranda, here, can tell you that. But then the sword of the blessed sun slew the black beast of the flesh, and I was purified at last.

Lew Harper: Can't I just look around?

Claude: You'll be risking the wrath of the sun god.

Lew Harper: I'm lionhearted.

Lew Harper: I think your husband was kidnapped. I think that note was dictated. Your husband keeps lousy company, Mrs. Sampson, as bad as there is in L.A. And that's as bad as there is.

Elaine Sampson: I knew it. Oh, he loves playing the family man, but he never fooled me. Water seeks its own level, and that should leave Ralph bathing somewhere in a sewer.

Dwight Troy: [about Fay Estabrook] Why are you interested in an old bag of worms like her?

Lew Harper: She's not an old bag of worms. She's the sexiest thing I ever seen.

Dwight Troy: Well I disagree, but then, you see, I am married to Miss Estabrook and I know whereof I speak. Hey, don't get me wrong, sport, I am not the jealous type. You want her, you can have her!

Miranda Sampson: Don't you ever feel the need to relax? Let's relax some, Harper.

Lew Harper: For what? So the beauty in the next room is gonna get all hot and bothered? Lady, if you can't get him hot and bothered by yourself, I sure ain't gonna do it for you.

Miranda Sampson: Don't you think I'm attractive?

Lew Harper: You're young, rich, and beautiful, and my wife is divorcing me. What do you think I think?

Lew Harper: [Sees Ralph's gaudy bedroom] Wow! No wonder your old man took to the sauce. I would, too, if I had to sleep in here.

Albert Graves: Did you meet Sampson's daughter?

Lew Harper: That ugly, skinny kid? Yeah, we passed in the night.

Albert Graves: [Takes out a cheesecake picture of Miranda] Oh, Lew, isn't she incredible?

Lew Harper: Oh boy, you dirty old man.

Albert Graves: Go on. You think I'm too old.

Lew Harper: Nah. When she's a hundred, you only be a hundred and twenty-four.

Albert Graves: You think I'm old enough to be her father.

Lew Harper: You're old enough to be her *grandfather*.

Albert Graves: Ah, go to hell.

Lew Harper: Solid Citizen Albert, hung up on a chick at your age. That's a hoot!

Elaine Sampson: Drink, Mr. Harper?

Lew Harper: Not before lunchtime.

Elaine Sampson: I thought you were a detective.

Lew Harper: New type.

Fay Estabrook: Wait a minute, when's your birthday?

Lew Harper: June 2

Fay Estabrook: [obviously worried by what Harper has just told her] June 2! June 2! Gemini! Oh, Geminis are supposed to be cold hearted! You're not cold hearted are you, dumpling

Lew Harper: [Leering at Fay's ample chest] Hell no! Why big dawgs is always licking my hands!

Fay Estabrook: You killed him in cold blood!

Lew Harper: If you don't stop yelling I'm gonna kill *you*.

Fay Estabrook: I'll give you everything. I'll give you everything I have.

Lew Harper: It's a rich choice. I'll take your shoes.

Lew Harper: I'm gonna take you home, honey.

Fay Estabrook: Oh, now, don't rush things. Come on, let's have another little drinkie first. You want a little drinkie?

Lew Harper: No, it stiffens up my chewing gum. Anyway, you're too classy for a place like this.

Fay Estabrook: Yeah, I am classy. Not everybody notices.

Betty Fraley: [Harper has locked Faye in a closet] Fay'll get out.

Lew Harper: What, a fat, barefoot alcoholic? Sure she will.

Fay Estabrook: [Talking about Ralph] Oh! He's my oldest friend. But he's not a nice man. He... he's gotten to be a very kinky personality.

Lew Harper: Kinky?

Fay Estabrook: Kinky is a British for weird, you... weird. You know what I mean?

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: [Leering at Fay through the door] Well...

Lew Harper: [Dismissively] It's nothing like that. She happens to be a hard night's work

Lew Harper: People in love will say anything.

Dwight Troy: [Pointing a pistol] I beg you not to do anything foolish, old stick.

Lew Harper: Is that thing loaded?

Dwight Troy: Six times.

Lew Harper: [to Miranda Sampson] You need a tail on your kite - something to slow you down. So you'll stop acting like a bitch in heat every time something pretty in pants wanders by.

Lew Harper: I'm shocked, Mr. Troy. A man of your eminence... involved in something as seamy as smuggling in immigrant labor?

Dwight Troy: Yeah, well, you are right, you know. It is beneath me. But it pays so well. You know they are wonderfully cheap workers? And the point is, they pay me to smuggle them in, and the ranch owners and the farmers, they pay me, too. Disgustingly lucrative! But, as you suggest, hardly enriching to the soul.

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: Hey, Lew baby!

Lew Harper: How are ya', beauty?

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: Top of the morning!

Albert Graves: You were hired by a bitch to find scum.

Lew Harper: Yeah... every time I hope it's going to be Prince Charming sending me out to scout out Cinderella.

Miranda Sampson: Well what's *your* big deficiency?

Lew Harper: I have none - I'm a bloody saint.

Miranda Sampson: Yeah, what about that woman last night at the restaurant?

Lew Harper: What could be more saintly? Just feeding booze to an alcoholic to get information... all part of the job.

Harper: [Leering at Fay through the door] Well...

Lew Harper: [Dismissively] It's nothing like that. She happens to be a hard night's work

Lew Harper: [Feigning surprise when he clocks Fay] Miss Estabrook? The Fay Estabrook?

Fay Estabrook: [Patting her platinum blond curls with false modesty] Shhhh! Dumpling

Lew Harper: [Eager to get the drunken Fay home so he can search her house] Where do you live?

Fay Estabrook: [In what she hopes is a seductive voice obviously thinking she's finally got her man] Why?

Lew Harper: [In a lechy voice] Cos if I don't get you home soon, I' m going to explode.

Fay Estabrook: I live in Pacific Palisades, 1118 Woodlawn Lane

Lew Harper: [Having made Fay think he's jealous, he starts pumping the visibly drunk woman for information] This Ralph, he here now?

Fay Estabrook: [Wistfully] Oh, no. Ralph's my oldest friend, but now I only do his astrological charts and a little interior decorating. I did his room here in the hotel, I wish I could show it to you. I have this fabulous taste!

Lew Harper: [Looking his plump companion up and down] Babe, you got everything!

Lew Harper: [When Betty warns him that Fay might get out of the closet he's just manhandled her into] A fat, barefoot alcoholic? Sure she will!

Lew Harper: Actually that autograph's for me! I used to watch all your pictures. Ain't nobody a bigger fan of you than me!

Miranda Sampson: Don't you think I'm attractive?

Lew Harper: You're young, rich and beautiful, and my wife is divorcing me. What do you *think* I think?

Lew Harper: [asking about Fay Estabrook] She used to be a pretty hot young starlet. What happened to her?

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: She got FAT!

Miranda Sampson: [as they're driving up a winding, mountain dirt road] Well, when I'm bored, I drive fast. I pretend I'm on my way to meet something utterly new, all naked and bright. I've gone 105 along here.

Lew Harper: Oh, what are you trying to do, impress me?

Miranda Sampson: Well, why don't you stand on it, old man? You're just as stuffy as Albert. The same Victorian hang-up. You probably still think a woman's place is in the home.

Lew Harper: Not in *my* home.

J.H. Kilbourne: I ran a check on you, Mr. Harper. You are not stupid.

Lew Harper: I have my moments.

J.H. Kilbourne: You wanna live, don't you? To a ripe old age?

Lew Harper: I'd hate to think that I was making those Social Security payments for nothing.

Schuyler Devereaux: Door was unlocked.

Lew Harper: Still is kid - out!

Schuyler Devereaux: Come on Lew, gimme a break.

Lew Harper: You're either a very good guesser or you're a cop.

Schuyler Devereaux: Swimming's a good way to relax but I know a better way.

Schuyler Devereaux: Never had anyone turn me down before.

Lew Harper: There's a first time for everything.

[She slaps him, then he slaps her]

Lew Harper: Sorry about that.

Schuyler Devereaux: No you're not.

Lew Harper: That's right, I'm not.

Schuyler Devereaux: How do you do Mr Harper?

Lew Harper: Oh sometimes I do better than others.

Schuyler Devereaux: Well I hope so.

Lew Harper: What's Pat Reavis really like?

Schuyler Devereaux: He was fun. Mild psychopaths often are if you don't cross them.

J.H. Kilbourne: See I'm not like most fols who get their kicks head on, I sort of slide in sideways like. As a matter of fact in High School they used to call me the crab.

Lew Harper: Oh.

J.H. Kilbourne: Now you take the oil businesss, my business, it's never any fun to drill straight down. I'm a slant driller by instinct.

Lew Harper: Are you slant-drilling me?

J.H. Kilbourne: You know what she wants to do with that land, Mr. Harper? She wants to turn it into a Goddam sanctuary for birds!

Lew Harper: I think that's kind of sweet.

J.H. Kilbourne: Well now, look, I'm all for saving wildlife like the next fella, but we gotta think about America's future. Energy sources just aren't that easy to come by.

Lew Harper: Aha! Did you come to that conclusion out of patriotism or just greed?

J.H. Kilbourne: [after a pause] Little of both, Mr Harper, - like most men of wealth.

Lew Harper: What do you want me to do?

Iris Devereaux: I want you to make it like it was 6 years ago.

Lew Harper: Your sense of timing amazes me.

Lew Harper: I'd just like to try a little conversation first.

Gretchen: Sure, you wanna call me dirty names?

Lew Harper: No, I didn't say that.

Gretchen: You want me to call you dirty names?

Mavis: It's not nice to look up lady's dresses.

Lew Harper: Everyone's got to look somewhere.

Schuyler Devereaux: How'd you like to help me put on some suntan lotion?

Lew Harper: Wont help honey, you're gonna be burned out by the time you're 30.

Lew Harper: You have a problem, you have no talent for swearing.

Lew Harper: Personally I think you help up rather well.

Lew Harper: All that passion and light-fingered at the same time.

Lt. Franks: I spotted your car.

Lew Harper: You spotted my car? I hope it comes off, it's a rental!

Lew Harper: [taking off his sunglasses] Boy, do you look terrific!

Iris Devereaux: [touching his gray hair] So do you, except you got a little over your ears there.

Iris Devereaux: It's the only difference. Everything else works about the same.

Iris Devereaux: I don't know where to start.

Lew Harper: Why don't you start where you stopped yesterday.

Iris Devereaux: [after a pause] I'm frightened, Lew!

Lew Harper: That's a good place.

Iris Devereaux: [as a man is staring at them in an antigue store] Is he looking at me?

Lew Harper: I think he was a little more interested in me.

Bartender: How you like the Coon-Ass Beer, man?

Lew Harper: [belching] It works.

Lt. Franks: You know that you assaulted a police officer?

Lew Harper: Not important. I don't think Broussard likes you anymore.