Leo Bloom Quotes in The Producers (2005)


Leo Bloom Quotes:

  • Leo Bloom: Let's assume for a moment, that you are a dishonest man.

    Max Bialystock: Assume away.

  • Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?

    Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: ...Eleven.

    Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!

    Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...

    Ulla: God dag min vannina!

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: God dag min vannina... ninna...

    Ulla: God bless America!

    [Ulla leaves]

    Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!

  • Max Bialystock: Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...

    [steps over Leo]

    Max Bialystock: How can I help you?

    Leo Bloom: [Screams] AAAHH!

    Max Bialystock: What's wrong?

    Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me!

    Max Bialystock: What?

    Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me!

    Max Bialystock: No!

    Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...

    Max Bialystock: No! Calm down...

    Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug!

    Max Bialystock: Oh God.

    Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me!

    Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!

    Leo Bloom: [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!

  • Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT!

    Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat!

    Leo Bloom: FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!

  • Leo Bloom: Elizabeth?

    Franz Liebkind: Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.

    Max Bialystock: [after a long pause] Is that right?

  • [an outtake]

    Max Bialystock: You okay?

    Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.

    Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-

    [undertones to the bust]

    Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.


    Max Bialystock: What?


    Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!

    [he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]

    Max Bialystock: Feeling better?

    Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.

    Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.

  • Leo Bloom: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.

    Max Bialystock: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.

  • Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

  • Leo Bloom: Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE!

  • Leo Bloom: Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?

    Max Bialystock: It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.

  • Leo Bloom: We might have a position for you.

    Max Bialystock: As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.

  • Leo Bloom: I'm not going to the toilet, I'm going to showbiz!

  • Carmen Ghia: He's having a stroke!

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: What?

    Carmen Ghia: Of Genius!

  • Max Bialystock: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.

    Leo Bloom: And two?

    Max Bialystock: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

  • [repeated line]

    Leo Bloom: Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!

    Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!

  • Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not

    Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy

    Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...

    Accountants: [sung] Sad.

    Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...


    Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!

    Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.

    Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!

    Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!

    Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!

  • Leo Bloom: Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, police man and very friendly Cherokee Indian

  • Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.

    Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?

    Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.

    Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!


    Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

  • Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!

    Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

  • Leo BloomMax BialystockCarmen GhiaRoger De Bris: Break a leg!


    Max Bialystock: Franz, what happened?

    Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!

  • Roger De Bris: Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!

    Leo Bloom: What pun?

    Max Bialystock: Shut up! He thinks he's witty!

  • Max Bialystock: [when Franz is threatening them with his gun]

    [to Leo]

    Max Bialystock: Remember when I told you I'd tell you when we were in too deep?

    Leo Bloom: Yeah...

    Max Bialystock: We're in too deep.

  • Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.

    [they do]

    Franz Liebkind: I solemnly svear...

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...

    Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...

    Franz Liebkind: Und!

    Max Bialystock: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!

    Leo Bloom: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!

    Franz Liebkind: [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never

    Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?

    Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.

    [long pause]

    Max Bialystock: Is that right?

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.

  • Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.

    Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

  • Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock... I'M BACK!

    Max Bialystock: [to God] You are good.

  • Leo Bloom: I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

  • Leo BloomMax Bialystock: We can do it! We can do it!

    Max Bialystock: Every show I touch I doom!

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!

  • Max Bialystock: Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"

    Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.

    Max Bialystock: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?

    Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.

    [Music starts]

    Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...


    Roger De Bris: What's the word?

    Leo Bloom: Gay?

    Roger De Bris: Exactly!

  • Leo Bloom: [Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT!

  • Max Bialystock: Whatta ya say, Bloom?

    Leo Bloom: [sung] What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer! / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir...

    Leo Bloom: [sung] I can't do it!

  • [repeated line]

    Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.

  • Max Bialystock: Do you know who I am?

    Leo Bloom: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!

    Max Bialystock: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

  • Leo Bloom: I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

    Max Bialystock: [slaps him]

    Leo Bloom: I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!

  • Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition?

    Leo Bloom: That won't be nece...

    Max Bialystock: Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!

  • Ulla: So, Mr. Bloom. Ve are all alone.

    Leo Bloom: Yes, ve are.

  • Leo Bloom: Ooh, Ohh how I hate you!

    Max Bialystock: Double, DOUBLE!

  • Max Bialystock: Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?

    Leo Bloom: No!

  • Ulla: Mr. Bloom! Leo!

    [running towards Leo]

    Ulla: Your tie is all askew!

    Leo Bloom: Askew?

    [Leo lovingly looks on as Ulla adjusts is bowtie]

    Leo Bloom: Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show.

    [Leo and Ulla immediately embrace and kiss one another]

    Leo Bloom: [after releasing himself from Ulla's kiss and embrace] Roll'em in the aisles.

    Ulla: Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them.

  • Max Bialystock: Don't you see Bloom? You're like... you're like a fountain!

    Leo Bloom: I'm a fountain?

    Max Bialystock: [yelling] YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN!

  • Max Bialystock: So, you're an accountant?

    Leo Bloom: Yes, sir, I am, sir.

    Max Bialystock: Then account for yourself!

  • Ulla: Remember ven Ulla Dance?

    Leo BloomMax Bialystock: Ja.

    Ulla: Ulla dance again!

    Max Bialystock: ULLA DANCE AGAIN!

  • [Roger De Bris enters the room]

    Leo Bloom: Max... He's wearing a dress!

    Max Bialystock: No kidding!

  • [Max and Leo see Franz feeding his pigeons]

    Max Bialystock: Just a hunch... but I'm guessing that's our man.

    Leo Bloom: Oh, Max! He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen!

    Max Bialystock: I know, I know! Just don't notice! Don't notice anything!

  • Leo Bloom: I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!

  • Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!

    Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

  • Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!

    Leo Bloom: [to Max] What pun?

    Max Bialystock: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.

  • Concierge: Who d'ya want?

    Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?

    Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".

    Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.

    Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.

    Max Bialystock: Thank you...

    Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?

    Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.

    Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!

  • Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

    Max Bialystock: Assume away.

  • Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"

    Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.

    Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.

    Max Bialystock: No kidding.

    Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.

    Carmen Giya: And we always win!

    Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?

    Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?

  • Drunk: Eternally grateful... A TOAST!

    Max Bialystock: A TOAST!

    Leo Bloom: A TOAST... to what?

    Drunk: To... to toast, I love toast.

    Max Bialystock: To toast.

    Leo Bloom: To toast.

  • Leo Bloom: I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want... I want...


    Leo Bloom: I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

  • Max Bialystock: [on "Springtime For Hitler"] ... It's practically a love-letter to Hitler!

    Leo Bloom: Wow. This play wouldn't run a NIGHT!

    Max Bialystock: A night? Are you kidding? This play's guaranteed to close on PAGE FOUR!

  • [Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme]

    Leo Bloom: Oh my God!

    Max Bialystock: You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!

    Leo Bloom: ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a

    Max Bialystock: Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops!

    Leo Bloom: Oops!

    [slams the door]

  • Leo Bloom: My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket!

  • Ulla: Goddag pÃ¥ dig!

    Leo Bloom: Uh, I beg your pardon?

    Ulla: Goddag på dig!

    Leo Bloom: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?

    Max Bialystock: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"

  • [Max Bialystock drops him to the floor]

    Leo Bloom: Ooh, I fell on my keys!

  • Leo Bloom: [reading the title of the play for the first time] "Springtime for Hitler" a gay romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden... Wow!

  • Leo Bloom: [after a fight with Max] I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".

  • Max Bialystock: Here's to failure

    Leo Bloom: ...To failure

    Drunk: Why, thank you! You're very kind!

  • Max Bialystock: Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway?

    Leo Bloom: [is silent]

    Max Bialystock: Well? Speak dummy! Speak!

    Leo Bloom: [gapsing] ... can't... scared...

  • Leo Bloom: There, there.

    Franz Liebkind: [crying] Where, where?

  • Leo Bloom: Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar.

    Max Bialystock: They certainly do... they certainly do!

  • Leo Bloom: Do you think he'll take the job?

    Max Bialystock: ONLY if we ask him.

Browse more character quotes from The Producers (2005)