Lenny Goldberg Quotes in The Infidel (2010)

[Mahmud tells Lenny his real name]

Lenny Goldberg: Solly Shimshillewitz? Why didn't they just call you "Jewe-jew-jew-jew-jew" and be done with it?

Mahmud Nasir: Americans shouldn't bloody be driving a black cab anyway!

Lenny Goldberg: Asshole.

Mahmud Nasir: I'm going to tell my family! I am!

Lenny Goldberg: You know what? I don't give a fuck.

Mahmud Nasir: Anti-Semite!

Lenny Goldberg: Islamophobe!

[Lenny has parked his cab in Mahmud's reserved space]

Mahmud Nasir: You've got a real fucking nerve...

Lenny Goldberg: I know I should never have rubbed that fuckin' lamp.

Mahmud Nasir: [Surprised] You American?

Lenny Goldberg: [In Cockney accent] Nah, I'm a... I'm a Cockney sparrow.

Mahmud Nasir: Come on, move your cab.

Lenny Goldberg: Beg your pardon? What happened to that famed Islamic politeness?

Mahmud Nasir: You saw the space was marked! Move your fucking cab!

Lenny Goldberg: Look, pal, I've lived here for fifteen years. I'll park wherever I wanna park!

Mahmud Nasir: Just move it up a bit further up the road, alright!

Lenny Goldberg: I like that spot. I always park there.

Mahmud Nasir: Oh, yeah, I get it now. It's a bit like the occupied territories, isn't it?

Lenny Goldberg: Ah, here it is! Here it comes, the Anti-Semitic stuff, you heard it here first!

Mahmud Nasir: I'm not being Anti-Semitic.

Lenny Goldberg: Oh no? What else ya wanna call me, eh? Kyke? Beagle breath? Floor by two? Neo con?

Mahmud Nasir: Bollocks. I'm not being Anti-Semitic. Yeah? I can't be.

Lenny Goldberg: Yeah? Why not?

Mahmud Nasir: Because I'm a fucking Jew!

[pauses and looks around for listeners]

Mahmud Nasir: [Whispering] I'm a Jew... shit! Don't you dare tell anyone.

Lenny Goldberg: I'm the shoebomber. Pleasure to meet you.

Mahmud Nasir: No, listen to me. I've just found out I was adopted by Muslims. My real parents were Jews.

Lenny Goldberg: [laughing] Why should I believe you?

Mahmud Nasir: Why the fuck should I make it up?

Lenny Goldberg: Yeah, good point.

Lenny Goldberg: I know. Word association.

Mahmud Nasir: Dah, what are you talking about?

Lenny Goldberg: Come on, a word association.

Mahmud Nasir: What for?

Lenny Goldberg: Car?

Mahmud Nasir: Volvo.

Lenny Goldberg: Right on. Happy?

Mahmud Nasir: Ish.

Lenny Goldberg: Two outta three. Crystal?

Mahmud Nasir: Nakht.

Lenny Goldberg: Hm, even I would have said "palace". Still, I don't believe...

Mahmud Nasir: No, wait, listen, listen... no listen to me. I real name, or rather my birth name...

[Does inverted commas]

Lenny Goldberg: Please don't do that.

Mahmud Nasir: ...is Solly Shimshillewitz.

Lenny Goldberg: Solly Shimshillewitz?

Mahmud Nasir: Now do you believe me?

Lenny Goldberg: Why didn't they just call you "Jewe-jew-jew-jew-jew" and be done with it?

Mahmud Nasir: [Irritated] It was nice talking to you.

[Walks off]

Lenny Goldberg: That's almost as Jewy a name as "Izzy Shimshillewitz".

Mahmud Nasir: What was that?

Lenny Goldberg: Izzy Shimshillewitz. Used to live around here years ago.

Mahmud Nasir: There's an Izzy Shimshillewitz? Where is he? Is he still alive? Where is he?

Lenny Goldberg: Fuck knows.

Mahmud Nasir: Anti-Semite!

Lenny Goldberg: Islamophobe!

Lenny Goldberg: Listen, Rabbi. My friend has drunk my chicken soup. He's danced like a Cossack in my living room, he told a funny story at a Bar Mitzvah and got a good laugh. I'm a Jew, and my friend is Jewish enough for me.

Rabbi: [to Mahmud] Come back when you've found a better teacher.

Mahmud Nasir: And where do I find one of those, eh? Craig's list? Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this!

Rabbi: Well perhaps that's where you should start! Now if you don't mind, I've got a dying man's soul to take care of!

Mahmud Nasir: So, uh, Jews?

Lenny Goldberg: Yeah.

Mahmud Nasir: Tell me about them.

Lenny Goldberg: [laughing] Okay. Uh, let's see: Where shall we start? I know, let's start with me - the archetype. The American Jew. As American as knish and Seinfeld and slavish support for Israel. You know, like my fellow countrymen, I didn't think there were any other Jews in the whole fuckin' world, especially not Britain. Britain, land of hope and pork. A Jew in Britain...

[laughing]

Lenny Goldberg: That's just weird. That's like an American driving a Hackney carriage.

[With accent]

Lenny Goldberg: "What a Yank with the knowledge? What's the bloody world coming too?" But no. In London alone, you've got your Hampstead liberal intellectual Jew; you've got your Pitter secular accountant Jew; you've got your Hamden Orthodox lawyer Jew; and scum of kosher scum, your Essex Jews, of which my ex-wife, who by the way, in case you were wondering, is why I came to this fucking country in the first place and why I know so much about its Jews.

Mahmud Nasir: Knish?

Lenny Goldberg: A doughy, kosher deep-fried dumpling. Oh, and then you've got your Israeli Jews: you know, Jews without angst, without guilt, so really not Jews at all. And then you've got your Jews for Jesus: What the fuck is that all about?