Lenny Quotes in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

[Superman has flown into Lex Luthor's Lair]

Lenny: The Dude of Steel! Boy are you gonna get it!

Lex Luthor: You know what I can do with a single strand of Superman's hair?

Lenny: You can make a toupee that flies.

Lex Luthor: Just remember, I made you.

Lenny: Yeah, you're just an experiment, freako!

[Nuclear Man raises his hand and lifts Lenny up into the air]

Nuclear Man: [Makes Lenny spin around] I am an experiment? I am a freako?

[Sets Lenny down]

Lex Luthor: I made you and I can destroy you.

Nuclear Man: Destroy. Destroy Superman now!

Lenny: You gonna skip the country, Uncle Lex?

Lex Luthor: Lenny, you pathetic product of the public school system, your Uncle Lex has had nothing on his mind the past few years except for one thing:

Lenny, Lex Luthor: Destroy Superman!

Lenny: [touches Nuclear Man] Oh, no! He's like... He's, like, cold.

Lenny: You know what this means, Uncle Lex?

Lex Luthor: What?

Lenny: We're gonna be parents!

Lenny: [When Nuclear man levitates Lenny and sets him spinning] Hey I was just kidding about the Freako before, if anyone's a freako around here, it's gotta be me.

Lenny: His ass is so tight, when he farts only dogs can hear it.

Lenny: Have you ever been in love with someone who didn't return that love?

Mace: Yeah, Lenny, I have.

Lenny: It didn't stop you from loving them, right? Or being able to understand them or forgive them?

Mace: I guess.

Lenny: I didn't know you were color blind, Max.

Max: It was the only way I could stand your ties.

Lenny: I am the magic man. I am your link to the subconscious. I have what you want. I can get you what you can't have.

Lenny: When I met Faith, she was just another runaway, giving twenty dollar blowjobs to buy crack. Just another lost soul. But she had this voice... it was scary, like she could take all the hurt and rage of the entire world and lift it up to Heaven in one voice. I helped her. And I promised her I'd always just be there, to protect her. See, it's not about what's in her head, it's what's in mine. I can't let go of the promise. It's like it's all I have left.

Sheriff Duke: [Realizing that Poke took the money] Lenny, pick up Poke Jackson.

Lenny: What's the charge?

Sheriff Duke: Same damn thing... Possession.

Sheriff Duke: [Sheriff Duke drives his car into a building, and Lenny is thrown out] Lenny, you alright?

Lenny: Yeah.

Sheriff Duke: Shut the door.

Sheriff Duke: Lenny, I want you to put out an all points bulletin on Poke Jackson... Armed and dangerous.

Lenny: But Duke, he didn't take our weapons.

Sheriff Duke: Lenny, are you hard of hearing?... I said armed and dangerous.

Lenny: [Lenny is looking at himself in a mirror, and he draws his gun] Say your prayers, you son of a bitch!

Zeke: Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo. I can't wait to get my paws on that mammoth.

Soto: Nobody touches the mammoth until I get the baby.

Zeke: ...First I'm gonna slice its hindquarters in sections. I'll put the white meat in one pile, and the dark meat in another.

Lenny: Hey, knock it off. I'm starving.

Zeke: Next, the shoulders. Occasionally tough, but extremely juicy.

Lenny: I told you to knock it off!

Diego: Well, I've a message for Soto. Tell him, I'm bringing the baby. And tell him I'm bringing... a mammoth.

Zeke: A *mammoth*?

Lenny: Mammoths never travel alone.

Diego: Well, this one does. And I'm leading him to Half Peak.

[Lenny accidentally eats Oscar]

Oscar: Don't... swallow!

Lenny: Oscar?

Oscar: No, it's Pinocchio - of course it's me! Why did you do that?

Lenny: Oh, I'm sorry...

Oscar: No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theatre! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you ask somebody "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just fat! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!

Lenny: Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...

Oscar: Oh, no no no no... Lenny, just open up, nice and slow!

Frankie: Sorry, pop. Lenny had a little accident. He was born!

Lenny: Ha ha. You're a comedy genius.

[Frankie starts humming the Jaws tune]

Lenny: That song gives me the creeps!

Frankie: What do ya mean? It's our theme song!

[the Jaws tune starts to play, and the opening credits roll]

[Angie becomes unbelievably and understandably jealous after seeing Oscar and Lola kiss on television]

Angie: Just tell me, Oscar, because I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think, for one minute, that she would even be WITH you if you weren't the rich and famous Shark Slayer?

Lenny: [trying to intervene] Awww, you guys, please don't fight...

Angie: Are you that blind?

Oscar: At least she treats me like I'm somebody!

Angie: Yeah, well would she love you if you were nobody?

Oscar: NOBODY loved me when I was nobody!

Angie: I DID!

Oscar: Well, for your information, I am the Sharkslayer. That's what they're callin' me.

Lenny: Wait a minute. You mean when the...

Oscar: Uh-huh.

Lenny: And then you...

[gasps]

Lenny: Oh, you're a liar!

Lenny: SHHH! He could still be out there!

Oscar: Who?

Lenny: The Shark Slayer...

[Oscar laughs]

Oscar: There's no Shark Slayer.

Lenny: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, yes there is!

Oscar: Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, no there is NOT! Trust me on this one!

Oscar: Get a grip, man! This is no time to act crazy!

Oscar: You're the one acting crazy, crazy!

Frankie: [dying] Lenny, is that you?

Lenny: I'm here, Frankie.

Frankie: Come closer.

Lenny: What is it, Frankie?

Frankie: I feel so cold.

Lenny: That's just because we're cold-blooded.

[Frankie slaps Lenny]

Lenny: Ow!

Frankie: Moron.

[dies]

Lenny: [quietly] Echo. Echo.

[little louder]

Lenny: Now batting in for the Southside Sharks, Number 15...

[Oscar hits Lenny]

Lenny: Ow, it's not okay to hit.

Oscar: All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of...

Angie: Oh, yeah? What's that?

Oscar: SHARKS... ARE COMING... TO GET ME!

Angie: And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?

Oscar: Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...

Lenny: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this?

Oscar: Hey, too late now, Veggie Boy, they'll be looking for you too!

Lenny: Point taken. What's the plan?

Don Lino: [hugging his son] Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? I thought I'd lost you... What're you wearing, huh? What is that?

[Lenny heaves a resigned sigh and sheds his disguise. The other sharks gape at him]

Luca: Hey, boss, it's Lenny - he was wearing a disguise so we wouldn't recognise him, but he's not wearing a disguise, so we DO recognise him!

Lenny: Hi, Pop...

Don Lino: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you out of your MIND? Do you have any idea how this looks?

Giuseppe: This is the best sit-down I've ever been to!

Don Lino: What're you doing with this guy? He took out your own flesh and blood, Frankie!

Lenny: But Pop, just listen...

Don Lino: But nothing, you never take sides against the family, ever!

Oscar: Don, Lino, sir, listen, it's not his fault - this is between you and me!

Don Lino: What did I ever do to YOU? You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! I'm going to get you!

[He goes for Oscar]

Angie: You're going way too far, Oscar!

Lenny: Actually, he hasn't gone far enough...

Oscar: Exactly!... what?

[first lines]

[a shark slowly approaches a worm, who frantically struggles to get free of his line... ]

Lenny: Hi, I'm Lenny.

[the worm faints]

Lenny: Ooh! Little buddy, did I scare you?

[staging a mock fight]

Oscar: Listen to them, Lenny! They love us!

Lenny: They love YOU, they hate me!

Lenny: Mom says it's not okay to hit!

[Frankie slaps Lenny]

Frankie: Mom's not here!

Oscar: You dig, dawg?

Lenny: Dig dawg... , dawg dig, dig dawg, yeah, yo diggy dog!

Lenny: Here I come! Ta-da! I'm Sebastian! The whale washing dolphin!

[makes clicking noises]

Lenny: It's all my fault, kinda, not really, but still...

[Oscar "kills" Lenny]

Lenny: Aaahhh! Curse you, Shark Slayer!

[falls into an abyss]

Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.

Lenny: Black? That's the worst color there is.

[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]

Lenny: No offense there, Carl.

Carl: I get it all the time.

Lisa Simpson: Our crisis level will be here.

Lenny: That's not so bad.

Lisa Simpson: No, this forklift is messed up.

[the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]

Lisa Simpson: Am I getting through to anyone?

Krusty the Clown: Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!

Russ Cargill: My name is Russ Cargill and I'm the head of the EPA.

Moe: The what?

Russ Cargill: Environmental Protection Agency.

Lenny: Come again?

Russ Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV. Just listen.

Carl: If someone distracts Cargill, the rest of us can climb up that thing.

Lenny: But who would be dumb enough to stay here while we escape with our lives?

Cletus: Ahem... My time to shine!

Gaby: Okay troops, line up.

[begins handing out omelets]

Gaby: Ashley, mushroom. Amber, onion. Lenny, plain.

Lenny: Cheese.

Gaby: You said plain.

Lenny: Cheese.

Gaby: Plain.

Lenny: Cheese.

Gaby: Plain.

Lenny: Cheese.

Gaby: Plain.

Lenny: Cheese.

Gaby: Plain.

Lenny: Cheese.

Gaby: Cheese.

Lenny: Plain.

Gaby: Okay fine, you win. Plain.

[Lenny walks away looking confused]

Gaby: Who says you can't learn anything from cartoons?

Lenny: [Quoting lines from "A Streetcar Named Desire"] This is my *goddamn* house, and I'll talk any *goddamn* way I want to!

Debbie: Now, Stanley, there's no cause to use such language to Blanche!

Jim Hickam: [at football practice] Hey, Lenny; take it easy on my kid brother, but make it look good, all right?

Jim Hickam: [Homer is tackled hard] I thought I told you to take it easy on him.

Lenny: I *did* take it easy on him

Homer: [playing against Lenny] I'm gonna run right over you, you son of a bitch! You hear me?

[is tackled several times more]

Coach Gainer: [helping Homer up] Well, Homer, you've sure got guts; but ya gotta know when to quit.

Lenny: Sex is not the answer.

Bob Crane: I know that Lenny, it's the question. 'Yes' is the answer.

Ted Castellucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.

Lenny: You want my opinion? My son is a moron.

Ted Castellucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!

[Sonny is on the stand at the custody hearing for Julian]

Tommy: [stands up] Objection!

Lenny: Shut up, Tommy!

Tommy: [sits down] Sorry, Mr. Koufax.

Sonny: I got some interesting news?

Lenny: Oh yeah, what?

Sonny: I kind of adopted a kid

Lenny: What the hell are you talking about?

Sonny: I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations!

Lenny: Who the hell would give you a kid?

Sonny: Social Services.

Lenny: You idiot! You better give that kid back!

Sonny: His mother's... hang on, hang on.

Sonny: [shouts at Julian, from afar] Go play with them pigeons, buddy!

Sonny: I tried to give him back. I just, I just, I just can't, Dad. I need your help. I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing!

Lenny: You damn right you don't know what the hell you doing!

Sonny: The kid is always around, especially for the last few days. You think he'd give me a little privacy but he just never leaves me alone, I'm in deep shit.

Lenny: Just give that kid back right now, before you ruin BOTH YOUR LIVES!

Sonny: Oh, I appreciate that Dad.

Lenny: He'd be better off living in a dumpster then living with you!

Sonny: WELL I'LL BE A BETTER FATHER THEN YOU!

Lenny: That's impossible, all you ever care about is yourself.

Sonny: I care about you saving money on this phone call.

[banging phone receiver several times before hanging up]

Barry the Baptist: Fucking northern monkeys!

Lenny: I hate these fucking southern fairies!

Lenny: Hang on a minute, Nathan. Something stinks.

Nathan: Yeah, your fucking aftershave.

Lenny: Fuck you, funny man.

J: For God's sake, help me. I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain!

Lenny: Go in slowly, Nathan.

Nathan: Fuck you, funny man. You go first.

Lenny: Just get the fuck in there, will you?

[When Jimmy is reluctant to sign a management contract]

Lenny: Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen; I'm signin', you're signin', we're all signin'!

Villapiano: Know what that is?

Lenny: [pauses, then answers hesitantly] Pres - idential flash cards?

Villapiano: A bonus. Do you know why?

Lenny: I have no idea.

Villapiano: To entice you back! The word is out on you O-neders!

Lenny: Hey, that's O-nedders!

Jimmy: [Speaking about Diane Dane ] She told me never trust a label. And I'm beginning to believe her.

Lenny: Well, sure. I mean, come on. They put us up in a first class hotel, all expenses paid, while our record climbs the charts; bunch of lyin' snakes.

Jimmy: Sorry I'm buggin' you! I guess I'm alone in my principles.

[leaves the room]

Lenny: Oh come on. Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song "Alone in my principles."

Lenny: "Skitch", how did we get here?

Guy: I led you here, sir, for I am Spartacus.

Mr. White: Next, this "Oneders", with the O-N-E, it doesn't work. It's confusing. From now on, you boys'll just be... simply The Wonders.

Lenny: As in, I *wonder* what happened to the O'Needers?

Lenny: He's got a very pretty girlfriend, doesn't he?

Chrissy: Is it serious, do you know?

Lenny: Very serious. I'm single!

Chrissy: [thoughtful pause] What about the bass player?

Lenny: He's married!

Faye: [extended version] Guys, Chad's arm is so scary. I've never seen anything swell up so big, so fast.

Lenny: Don't take that personally, Jimmy.

Lenny: [when asked what The Wonders' musical influences are] Cap'n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters.

Lenny: Hey, wasn't that our fan?

Guy: Hey, Uncle Bob, when are we gonna get these records?

Uncle Bob: [thinks] Ah... Luke 21:19.

The Bass Player: And your patience possess ye your souls.

Lenny: Luke? Who's Luke? When are we gettin' the records?

Uncle Bob: Wednesday.

Lenny: Thank you, Illinois! The Land of Lincoln!

Lenny: [at Villapiano's after they've sung "All My Only Dreams"] Table 19, your pizza's ready.

Lenny: I play a lot of cards. Obviously. Wanna see my deck?

[he flashes his cards]

Lenny: See? You gotta be quick! You gotta be quick with me! I'm from Erie, P.A.!

Lenny: [girls climb on top of car] Well... *I* like Wisconsin.

Mr. White: He was joining the Marines in August anyway. It was gonna happen sooner or later. Guys, say hello to Scott Pell, Wolfman.

Jimmy: How you doing?

Guy: Uh, replacement?

Mr. White: Yes.

Jimmy: Who's he player with?

Mr. White: The Techniques, uh...

Scott 'Wolfman' Pell: Roy Maxwell and the Corsairs.

Lenny: Ha-ha... really?

Mr. White: He's your new bass player.

Guy: Mr. White... no offense, but I... we've been together a long time.

Mr. White: There aren't a lot of options here, Guy.

Guy: Can he handle our tunes?

Scott 'Wolfman' Pell: I think I can handle them, junior.

[plays some wicked bass licks]

Jimmy: Ok.

Lenny: Ok.

Guy: Fine.

Lenny: Where was I? Oh yeah, playing songs on my guitar.

Guy: Yeah, we were pretty wild up in Erie, Penn.

Lenny: There was this one time, we stayed up *way* past midnight, and...

[starts laughing]

Heckler: Hey, when are you gonna play "That Thing You Do!"?

Lenny: Ah, has our fame preceded us?

Heckler: We came here to meet girls and dance, and we can't meet girls until we dance!

Lenny: [to Jimmy, the Bass Player, and Guy] All right, this seems like an opportune moment to pick it up a little.

[to the heckler]

Lenny: OK, here's one for the kid in the back.

Faye: But I thought you already decided on The Echoes.

Jimmy: Nah, some band in Buffalo's the Echoes. And I wasn't wild about that.

Lenny: Let's just call us The - Band You're About To Hear.

Chad: How about The Corvettes?

Jimmy: Is that The Corvettes, or the Chordvettes?

Chad: No, Corvettes, like the car.

Jimmy: Well see, I was thinking like the Chord...

[writes Chordvettes]

Jimmy: *Chord*vettes, like chords in our music.

Lenny: [Guy walks in] Is that "Skitch" Patterson?

Chad: Here he is, Erie's lone beatnik.

The Bass Player: How about the Tempos? Ya know, tempos?

Lenny: Not the Tempos, Tempos. I was in a band already called The Tempos, and we were... terrible.

Chad: Hey Guy, weren't you the drummer for the Tempos?

Guy: Heard that.

Lenny: Looks like Lenny's goin' fishing.

Phil Horace: I'm talking about Rock 'N' Roll shows in Steubenville, Youngstown, Pittsburgh, places like that.

The Bass Player: Pittsburgh?

Lenny: Steubenville?

Jimmy: We were wondering if you'd like to fill in for Chad just for tonight.

Guy: Why?

Lenny: Asshole... just broke his arm!

[starts laughing]

Jimmy: [he's just written "Oneders"] No, look - the Oneders, Lenny.

Lenny: Yeah, it looks like the O'Needers.

Jimmy: No, the - the Oneders.

Lenny: Got it, looks like the O'Needers.

Lenny: [as Jimmy runs to the bathroom to throw up] Hey, man! Whatever you do, don't think of pork chops!

Mr. White: OK, the first thing that needs to change is the name. It's confusing. From now on, you are The Wonders.

Lenny: As like, I wonder what happened to the O-Ne-Ders?

Mr. White: Exactly.

Gurkin: [marching past Rachel Witchburn] Hi, ho.

Lenny: Bye, ho.

Sydney White: Hey! You're a guy, right?

Lenny: [uncertainly, looking unsure of himself] ... Yeah?

Lenny: Did they really make you sing Celine Dion?

Sydney White: Yeah.

Lenny: Do you need a place to stay?

Lenny: Oh, um, I don't know if you need any sort of special... lady products.

Lenny: You really are a dork.

Lenny: [talking about Spanky] He keeps himself happy.

Lenny: So, uh, are you all set? Do you need anything? A hypoallergenic pillow? Humidifier? Dehumidifier? Ionizer?

Sydney White: Nope, I think I'm all goon on the medical-supply front. I've actually got

Lenny: Are you sure? There's a lot of dust. I've got loads of allergy medicine.

Sydney White: You? Allergies? I never would have guessed.

Lenny: You may find this hard to believe, but most of the guys here don't have a lot of experience with girls.

Jean Hamilton: [after Lenny gives her a yellow rose] I love orchids. Thank you.

Lenny: This is a rose.

Jean Hamilton: Which I also love.

Lenny: Hey, Holly, your mom said Saturday night is movie night. So, what do you say on me, you take Princess Zoe here, you guys go see "Bambi".

Holly Hamilton: I'm not actually sure that "Bambi" is still in theatres. Which is such a shame, because I am just dying to take my seven year old little sister to a movie where the mom gets killed by the evil male hunter.

Zoe Hamilton: I want to go see that.

Jean Hamilton: Oh, wow. It's great.

Lenny: Yeah, it's a nineteen eighty, Pontiac Trans Am two-door hardtop. Got the original paint, the original exhaust. I rebuilt the tranny, tweaked the mill. And as a matter of fact, I got... got some new passenger mats right here, so would you mind just taking your shoes off? Before you get in?

Lenny: [after Jean gives him back his ring] You want a bigger ring?

Lenny: That's on account that you never had your world rocked by Lenny "The World-Rocker" Horton.

Jean Hamilton: I'm Jean. This is my daughter, Holly.

Lenny: Hey, how you doing, Holly?

Holly Hamilton: Great, and I think we gotta go before you learn Step Two.

Lenny: Attention shoppers, need a quick pick me up? Why don't you head on over to our coffee corner and pick yourself up a half-calf-carmel machiato. But remember, coffee can be hot... it can have an intensity like you've never felt before... searing deep into your flesh... your tender... vulnerable... so easily hurt flesh. So, be sure to ask for a protective sleeve when you pick up your coffee... maybe ask for another one to slip over your heart. Thank you!

Lenny: So are you free Saturday night?

Jean Hamilton: What'd you have in mind?

Lenny: Oh, nothing short of rocking your world, babe.

Jean Hamilton: Well, my world doesn't rock that easy.

Dolores: That's right, make him work for it, girlfriend!

Lenny: Oh wow, Jean, whoa. Great outfit! Damn, where'd you get that, who's-a-hottie.com?

Lenny: Well, Wanda's just drunk and besides that, she's too fat.

Lenny: [singing] One umbrella one, two umbrella two/ let's go up into the zoo/there you'll see a horse that's blue/a big old steed with one white shoe/a zebra and his stripes, playing bagpipes.

Robin: We're late!

Lenny: Uhoh! They're late! They're late for a very important date! Your mom and dad are off to save the farm, hip hip hooray!

Margo: [Dickie has just walked in with an unbuttoned shirt exposing a new tattoo of an orange sun on the lower part of his stomach] Well would you look at that. the sun is setting in that boy's pants.

Lenny: He wishes!

Lenny: Diaper Rodeo! Diaper Rodeo! Diaper Rodeo!

Margo: Okay! On your mark! Get Ready! Get Set! Go!

Robin: [Robin and Dan are competing to see who can change a diaper faster. Robin is talking to Carrie] Hold still sweetie, just hold still!

Sly: [laughing] Oh no! There goes old faithful!

Dan: Ahhh, sprang a leak!

Robin: [finishes] TIME!

Dan: Oh no! i had a leak here, i also had an injury, a rotator cup injury-rotator cup!

Lenny: [a hypnotized Lenny is driving the babies to Babyco to rescue Whit and the other babies from Dr. Kindler... He answers his cell phone after Dan calls him to ask where he took the babies with a hypnotized monotone] We have a vitally urgent mission at Babyco. We have a vitally urgent mission at Babyco. We have a vitally urgent mission at Babyco.

Lenny: [hangs up phone]

Dickie: [as Lenny is saying this - the camera pans next to him where we see a still hypnotized Dickie saying the same words... Dickie also still has his finger picking his nose and his tongue sitcking out of his mouth meaning Sly has kept him hypnotized this entire time!] We have a vitally urgent mission at Babyco. We have a vitally urgent mission at Babyco. We have a vitally urgent mission at Babyco.

Dickie: [Dickie then sticks his finger back into his nose and his tongue out of his mouth while Sly and the other babies laugh at him]

Lenny: [to a colleague whose spouse has moved out] Spouses are not necessarily a fixture of the schedule.

Richard McCallister: [Re scheduling] Why not "The Wexler Chronicles"?

Lenny: Against "Infidelity 101"? We'll get killed.

Richard McCallister: Well, we'll do better than we will with "Cheating Heart." You said so yourself, Lenny. "Sex will always beat disgusting foods. But in a fight between sex and sex, the sexier show will win," and they have the sexier show. Seems to me that the only way to counter them is to go with an actual scripted story with characters and... *stories* and things. If only for the 35-and-ups. At least we'll do some kind of number.

Vernon Maxwell: It's an interesting thought, Lenny. FDrom an ad sales perspective, we'll take the high-end cars, the insurance companies.

Exec. #3: Uh, maybe pharmaceuticals, even?

Lenny: Yeah. It's just so fucking artsy and...

[disgustedly]

Lenny: smart.

Vernon Maxwell: Well, I'm sure you'll rein it in.

Polinsky: Has anyone ever told you about the birds and the bees?

Lenny: [sarcastically] Yeah, we learned about it in biology. Bees sting and birds crap on your head.

Barbara: In the "sex club" we only talk about sex, we don't actual do it.

Lenny: That's okay I would not want to get anyone pregnant.

Alice: Oh you don't have to worry about that Barbara can't get pregnant, she has not started her period yet.

Barbara: Hey.

Lenny: What?

Lenny: Hold on, Benny. I just want to make sure these two get along all right.

Roark Jr.: And what kind of a beast couldn't get along with a precious little girl like this? You're probably scared now, but you have nothing to be scared of. All we're going to do is talk, just a nice talk, you and me. Don't you cry now.

Lenny: [to Angie] You ever wanna get fucked, let me know.

[Patrick pistol-whips Lenny in the face]

Patrick Kenzie: How's that, motherfucker? Now you know.

[Max is on the radio dispatch with his boss, Lenny]

Max: Yeah, Lenny, what's up? It's me.

Lenny: Just got off the phone with the cops. Desk sergeant called to check if you brought the cab in?

Max: Yeah, so?

Lenny: So, aside from I hate talking to cops, they tell me you crashed the goddamn cab?

Max: No, no, I got crashed into. I didn't...

Lenny: Do I care what, where, why? You're paying.

[Vincent is trying to think of what Max should say next]

Vincent: [to Max] It was an accident. You're not liable.

Max: It was an accident. I'm not liable.

Lenny: Bullshit. I'm making you liable. It's coming out of your goddamn pocket.

Vincent: [to Max] You tell him to stick this cab up his fat ass.

Max: I can't do that, that's my boss.

Vincent: So?

Max: I need my job.

Vincent: No, you don't.

[over the dispatch system]

Lenny: Still there? I'm talking to you. Max. Max!

Vincent: He's not paying you a damn thing.

Lenny: Who the hell is this?

Vincent: Albert Ricardo, Assistant U.S. Attorney, a passenger in this cab, and I'm reporting you to the D.M.V.

Lenny: Let's not, oh, let's not get excited.

Vincent: Not get excited? How am I supposed to not get excited? Listen, you try to extort a working man. You know goddamn well your collision policy and general liability umbrella will cover the damages. And what are you trying to pull, you sarcastic prick?

Lenny: Look, I was just trying to...

Vincent: Tell it to him.

[to Max]

Vincent: Tell him he's an asshole. Go ahead.

Max: [to Lenny] You're an asshole.

Vincent: Tell him he pulls this shit again, you're gonna stick this yellow cab up his fat ass.

Max: [to Lenny] And, and next time you pull any shit, I'm gonna... I'm gonna have to stick this yellow cab up... up your fat ass.

Lenny: Some people say we're racists.We're not racists. We're realists.Some people call us Nazis.We're not Nazis.No, what we are, we are nationalists and there's a reason people try to pigeonhole us like this.And that is because of one word, gentlemen.- Fear.

Lenny: Are you ready to return to the fight?

NF Crowd: Yes!

Lenny: Are you ready to shed blood?

NF Crowd: Yes!

Lenny: [pointing a gun at Sam] Give me one fucking reason why you shouldn't die!

Trife: Cause he's not worth it!

Leo: What did you talk about?

Lenny: About films, I think...

Leo: About films?

Lenny: Yes...

Leo: So you did not talk at all?

Lenny: Yes, we did.

Leo: No, you talked about film. You have not talked at all. It's not normal. Did you fuck her? You have not fucked her. You have not touched her. Is that the way you see girls? That you talk to them, and then you don't fuck. them? That's not normal.

Leo: Have you seen this one?

Lenny: What?

Leo: [Pulls a gun]

Lenny: Is it real?

Leo: Yes.

Lenny: No, it's not...

Leo: Hold it. Real. It is loaded. With sharp rounds.

Lenny: Is there something in it?

Leo: Yes.

Lenny: What are you going to do with it?

Leo: I don't know.

Lenny: Where does it come from? You got it from Lois, didn't you?

Leo: What are you glaring at?

Louis: On you.

Leo: Watch the movie instead.

Louis: I have a wonderful view from here. A little comedic, mayby.

Leo: Do you have a problem?

Louis: Who are you to ask me?

Leo: Yeah. What is you problem?

Louis: You...

Leo: Me?

Louis: Yes, you!

Leo: Are you not going to watch the film?

Louis: I am watching a cartoon movie here.

Kitjo: [Leo stands in front of the screen] Move. Hello! We are watching the movie. Hey... Hey, Leo, we can't see anything. Can you move?

Leo: [Leo pulls a gun on Louis] What are you doing? You think you are a big-shot, ain't you? You are trash. Do not stick your nose into in my life... You are going to don't give a fuck about mine and Loise's lifes! Do you understand me? You are a psychopath! You are fucked! Fucked! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fucked!

Louis: Go home and change your diapers.

[Leo cocks the gun]

Lenny: Pull the... Can you stop now?

Leo: Do not get involved.

[first lines]

Mickey: [entering store] Hi Len.

Lenny: Hi Mick.

Mickey: Len, next time you got the urge to redecorate, you consult me first.

Lenny: Sure Mick.

Mickey: You hear from Alvin?

Lenny: He called.

Mickey: Oh, that's something.

Lenny: He wants the rest of his stuff.

Mickey: Screw 'em, man.

Lenny: He won't let me. Why don't you and I get hitched, Mickey?

Mickey: Sportin' the wrong equipment.

Lenny: I could change...

Mickey: Nah, it's too painful, too expensive. Besides, I'd just treat you bad. You'd want to leave me.

Lenny: Says who?

Mickey: My ex-wife.

Mickey: Did you hear from Alvin?

Lenny: He called.

Mickey: Oh, that's somethin'.

Lenny: He wants the rest of his stuff!

Mickey: Screw him, then.

Lenny: He won't let me.

Lenny: Charlie, where the hell have you been? I've been waiting by this phone for 3 hours man.

Charlie: Take it easy, I was just buying some clothes.

Lenny: Charlie we are in serious trouble. Serious trouble and you're buying clothes.

Charlie: What trouble?

Lenny: The cars. The cars are gone, the buyers want their deposits back, they all do. That's eighty thou, Charlie.

Charlie: $80,000. I don't have it.

Lenny: You gotta pay these people or we're out of business! What am I gonna tell them?

Charlie: I don't know.

[Storms about the desert then yells]

Charlie: SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH!

[first lines]

Charlie: [on telephone] Now it's five and a half weeks and I'm still sitting on four Lamborghinis that can't meet spot emissions standards. Now, how many times you wash out with EPA?

Lenny: [on a separate line] Uh, yes sir, they're finally, uh, clearing EPA; uh, just one or two more days.

Charlie: Three times? You're really on a roll here, my friend; four cars, three times each - that's zip for twelve. What are you, a... mechanic, or a NASA engineer? Now listen, now, I told you I've never dealt with these Lamborghinis before, and yet you assured me that you can deliver these cars within that time frame. Don't, don't tell me that, 'cause I - I'm not even listening.

Lenny: I promise you fifty wins before Christmas.

Burp: Your man gets IN THE RING forty of fifty times before Christmas he won't have enough brains left to tie his shoelaces. And then you'll have two cripples in the family.

Max: [Max has discovered that Lenny put a check in Max's safety-deposit box, after "borrowing" $20,000 from the Century West Maintenance account, so that Lenny could treat Linda to a night in Las Vegas] A worthless goddamn CHECK?

Lenny: What are you getting hysterical about? It was just a LOAN.

Max: In all my life, I never treated ANYONE like I treated you! You were POOR; I made you RICH. You were DROWNING; I gave you a YACHT! And then you STOLE from me. After I treated you like a son. TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Lenny: You want another check? I'll write you another check right now.

Max: A check is no damn good. You want to be a liar as well as a thief?

Lenny: Then tell me what to do. Just tell me, Max.

Max: [hugs Lenny, then speaks softly] You gotta go. I can't have you around here anymore.

Linda: [at Joel's first party] I feel a little out of place here.

Lenny: You are. You're the best-looking woman here.

Linda: ...People here are a little strange.

Lenny: Talented people usually ARE a little strange... They were ALL on something; MONEY'S the real drug around here, okay?

Lenny: I'm making money so fast over at Max's, they can't keep track of it. Everybody in town thinks I'm a firecracker. And even after all this, my own WIFE still thinks I'm a BUM!

Linda: I think you're a GENIUS. I just don't want you to feel like you're on a treadmill... having to make more and more money to pay for things we bought but don't need.

Lenny: The way things are going, the money going out won't be missed if it NEVER comes back. When you get to where we are, NOTHING can touch you.

Lenny: Selling's more important to me than money. Because every time I sell, it means somebody believes in me.

Lenny: [to Linda] I swear to God, people here can't WAIT to lay off their money. It's not to be believed! God, why did we take so long to find this place? We're gonna be RICH, you hear me? RICH!

Man in Venice: ...I'll put in $75,000.

Lenny: Great. I'll need a check.

Man in Venice: I'll pay cash.

Lenny: Cash...? What kind of business are you in, Bob?

Man in Venice: Leisure activities.

Lenny: [on Linda's birthday] I got you a $40,000 car and a $2 mutt. Go figure.

Joel: [at his first party] Welcome. Eat, drink, and make contacts.

Linda: Joel throws a nice party, doesn't he?

Lenny: What's REALLY nice is that Uncle Sam pays for half. And HE wasn't even invited.

Linda: [at dinner with Ned] I'm a little too old to be a PROFESSIONAL ballerina.

Lenny: Now, I bet you never heard a beautiful girl admit to THAT.

Lenny: [to Ned] ... Funny way to start a friendship, me thinking you were someone else... I leave a piece of my soul on the floor every time I do this song-and-dance. "Go out like a battleship, come back like a raft."

Linda: Maybe we're going too fast. We should just take this a step at a time.

Lenny: To hell with that. You don't STEP through life. "Teacher, may I?" It goes too quick for that. You gotta LEAP through life!

Max: I live where the money is. You don't think this NYC crowd would have anything to do with me unless I could move millions of bucks around, do you...? Does your wife work?

Lenny: Yeah, she has a great job.

Max: Lucky for you.

Lenny: I do all right. Everything I do is just a lot chancier, that's all.

Max: You just probably haven't found the right products yet, the right territory.

Lenny: I wonder what they're all doing tonight. The poor people of the world, I mean.

Max: [at Morton's Restaurant] ... This is my table. Everybody knows where I sit: waiters, guests, the whole bit... Look around you. A lot of tables, right? Wrong. Five tables. All the rest of the people come here to eat... Ray Tucker. Manages the money for half the Rams, all the Raiders, and anybody you ever saw on TV. Five percent off the top... Carter Davis, oil... Ricky Holtz, builds airports... Doc Gertz. He used to be a chiropractor; now he produces movies... And me. The five of us don't come here to eat.

Lenny: So what are you saying, I shouldn't order any food?

Max: Oh, no. Eat. Just don't look hungry.

Ned: [over lunch] Lenny, you're a lucky man.

Lenny: I know that. I keep reminding myself. You got a wife or anything? No? You'd have to take second best anyhow. If you saw Linda and me at a restaurant like this, you'd say, "There's a mismatch." I've seen it in people's eyes: "How did a guy like HIM get a girl like HER? He must be rich."... Not that I'm not trying.

Linda: [at dinner with Ned] ... Lenny told me about the mistake today. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He was sort of counting on that sale to break into the business.

Lenny: [to Linda] That doesn't mean anything to Ned.

Ned: What doesn't mean anything?

Lenny: Hustling for money. You're above all that.

Ned: I worry about money, just like everybody else.

Lenny: But you got some backstops. You start falling down that well, you got some slats across to catch yourself, right? You got your professor-father. You got an education. You got the Financial Journal. You can't fall too far. My old man's an ex-printer on disability! My mother is a secretary for the Ladies Garment Workers Union! I'VE GOT A HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION!

Lenny: [at the board meeting where he first meets Max] Gentlemen, I won't bore you with the reading of my resume, some of which is actually true... We're born again with each new project. And all your past successes don't cut much ice when it comes to the Big Question: Will It Sell?... Sure, it'll sell. Over the life of the partnership, everyone will enjoy some small tax benefits... realize a nice, safe-though-modest return on their investment. You don't need me for that. But will it SOAR? That's another question... People struggle against smallness all their lives. Let them identify with something BIG!

Lenny: [responding to Mark's job offer] Mark, I don't sell drugs. I'm in real estate.

Mark: I don't sell drugs, either. I'm a screenwriter. But until the ship comes in, you gotta cover the waterfront.

Evan: Where's Kayleigh?

Lenny: Who's Kayleigh?

[Evan looks confused]

Lenny: You want me to take you to the doctor?

Evan: No, I think everything's gonna be all right this time.

Lenny: Only a pro should even dream about doing what you want to do.

David: That's why I'm talking to you.

Sylvia: Are those Zeiss?

Lenny: The one and only. Perfect 20/20 vision, low-light and thermoptic modes, integrated targeting system, GPS and satellite uplink.

Sylvia: Wow. You can kill people and check your email all at the same time. That's really something.

Sylvia: This isn't aspirin. It's Chronotin. Father Time. The anti-aging drug? I looked last night.

Lenny: So what do you want? Your junior detective badge?

Lenny: I don't like you!

Jake: So what? I don't like me either.

[last lines]

Lenny: Follow the raven into shadow, and you will find the light.

Lenny: You know people in heaven too, don't you?

Kate: Yes I do.

Lenny: They love you even more when they get to heaven, you know. No matter what.

Jake: I need something to drink.

Lenny: [getting a whiff] How 'bout some coffee?

Jake: How 'bout you give up playing the social worker and get me some whiskey.

Lenny: How 'bout you kiss my ass.

Henry R. Hocknell Jr.: Hey Lenny, I want you to say goodnight to mean old Jake, here.

Lenny: [saluting] Goodnight Lieutenant mister mean old Jake.