Lem Quotes in Planet 51 (2009)

Lem: A cork?

Skiff: It's your best defense against the aliens' favorite form of research. The probe. You put it...

[points at his butt]

Lem: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I get it.

Skiff: Oh, wait. This is yours. I already used that one.

Lem: What do you want?

Captain Charles T. Baker: Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Do you have any Frappucino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks.

Lem: No, I mean are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains?

Captain Charles T. Baker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Nut full of sea monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids Choice Awards. I'm getting slimed.

Lem: You were just talking alien.

Captain Charles T. Baker: Hey, I'm not the alien here. You are.

Lem: Me? You are.

Captain Charles T. Baker: No, you are.

Lem: You are. You... You came to my planet.

Captain Charles T. Baker: An alien planet. Hello.

Skiff: [looking up at movie poster sign] There it is. Just two more days.

Eckle: Wow. Humaniacs III: The Final Battle for Our World.

Skiff, Eckle: Victory or extinction!

Lem: If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we never met.

Eckle: Did you just say what I think you just said?

Lem: I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids' movies anymore.

Skiff: [gasps] Kids' movies? I suppose next you'll say aliens don't exist!

Lem: Duh!

Skiff: Ha! Just as I thought! You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie, like in Humaniacs II.

Lem: Skiff, I'm not a zombie.

Skiff: Yeah, that's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell me something the real Lem would know.

Lem: Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. And you give candy to your puppy so he'll poop jelly beans.

Eckle: [exclaims in disgust]

Skiff: It was just an experiment.

Eckle: That's our planet after the attack of the Humaniacs. They're gonna eat our brains for dinner!

Lem: Everybody, please, that's ridiculous.

Skiff: Totally ridiculous! Brains for dinner? Come on! Brains are breakfast with cereal and milk. Dinner is organs and eyeballs.

Lem: What are we supposed to do?

Captain Charles T. Baker: Give them their daily minimum dose of Chuck.

Lem: Lem. Lem.

Captain Charles T. Baker: Either your name is Lem, or you want to mate with me. Houston, we have a little problem.

Lem: [to weird bubbly fish-like pets] I don't want to hear a single bubble!

Lem: Especially you, Bubbles.

Captain Charles T. Baker: [holds up a Twix bar] Eat this. You become invincible.

Lem: Oh good, then you do it.

Adam: Morning ma'am.

Lem's girlfriend: Morning backwoodsman.

Adam: Nice day for marrying.

Lem: Well, that's a right good idea.

Lem's girlfriend: Oh Lem, I thought you'd never ask me.

Kenny: [after Lem arrives home from jail] So Lem, how you get out, man?

Lem: Honestly, man, I don't know. Somebody talked to somebody, and the charges got dropped.

Maxine: Well, Lem, we're all happy to have you back, brother.

Bird: [happily] That's right! My boo is home!

Teri: Actually, I called in to the D.A's office for a favor.

Lem: [glares at Teri]

Teri: I felt bad.

Lem: You should feel bad! Because of you, I had to spend weeks in jail.

Teri: You should be thankful! Now, you can stay home and take care of your pregnant wife.

Bird: You know what, Teri? You need to mind your own damn business, all right? Didn't nobody ask you for your help! You need to worry about your own husband and why he's sleeping with her!

[points towards Faith]

Lem: I don't need your help. I can find my own job.

Bird: Okay.

[Bird stares at Lem's crotch]

Lem: And stop lookin' at my dick.

Kenny: Believe me, you don't want to tell a woman...

Lem: A black woman.

Kenny: ESPECIALLY a black woman, that you don't have a J-O-B.