Leah Quotes in Osmosis Jones (2001)

Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?

Osmosis: What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!

Leah: Oh really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.

Osmosis: Whoa! Who turned off the heat? Somebody pay the bill? It's cold in here.

Leah: Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesin' for a little more Osmosis.

Osmosis: [referring to incoming Drixenol Pill] Don't Be surprised that 99% of that pill is just sugar, you know.

Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid

Osmosis: Oo like I never heard that one before

[the cold pill arrives in the stomach]

Leah: Wow, this is huge.

Osmosis: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar you know.

Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.

Osmosis: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before.

Leah: Mayor, something freaky is going on with the weather.

Mayor Phlegming: We're probably just drinking some hot coffee.

Leah: Sir, look at the maps. What if Jones is right?

Mayor Phlegming: Jones? Ha ha ha! Funny, funny.

Leah: You care more about your re-election than you care about all our lives. Something is going on, and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.

Mayor Phlegming: Hypowhothewhatisit? Leah, wait! Who's gonna answer the phones?

Jacob Black: Maybe they'll say she was in a car crash. Or tripped and fell off a cliff. At least I'll get one thing out of it.

Sam Uley: No you won't. Cullens are not a danger to the town or the tribe.

Jacob Black: Well, he's either going to kill her or change her. And the treaty says.

Sam Uley: [interrupts] I say, Jacob. I say.

Embry: You know if you wanted things different you should have become alpha.

Jacob Black: Turning it down seemed like a good idea at the time.

Seth: Jake, you really think you could kill Bella if she comes back a vampire?

Leah: No. He'd make one of us do it and then hold a grudge against us.

Jacob Black: Shut up, Leah.

Leah: Would you just get over it? It's not like you've imprinted on her.

Seth: At least they seem happy.

Embry: Yeah, some people are just lucky I guess.

Jacob Black: Lucky? None of them belong to themselves anymore. And the sickest part is their genes tell them they're happy about it.

Leah: At least if you imprinted on someone you'd finally forget about Bella. I mean, being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can't have.

Jacob Black: Did Sam send you?

Leah: Sam doesn't even know I left!

[wolves start howling in the distance]

Seth: I think he just figured it out.

Jacob Black: I know they're out there somewhere, but I can't hear them anymore. It's so quiet.

Leah: I stopped hearing them, too, the second I decided to leave. It's nice.

Jacob Black: You know you can't stay here.

Leah: But I don't have any place

Jacob Black: [interrupts] I can't trust you with the Cullens. You hate them too much. You don't even like me.

Leah: I don't have to. I just have to follow you.

Jacob Black: Look, Seth doesn't want you here. Neither do I.

Leah: Being unwanted isn't exactly a new thing for me. Look, I'll stay out of your way. I'll do whatever you want except go back to Sam's pack and be the pathetic ex-girlfriend he can't get away from. You don't know how many times I wished I could imprint on someone. Anyone.

Jacob Black: Just to break the connection.

Paul: Is it true, Jake?

Quil: What will it be?

Paul: It's growing fast!

Leah: It's unnatural.

Jared: Dangerous.

Quil: Monstrosity.

Paul: An abomination!

Quil: On our land!

[the wolves all start chorusing to Jacob: 'We can't allow it!']

Sam Uley: We have to protect the tribe. What they bred won't be able to control its thirst. Every human will be in danger.

Jared: We're ready.

Leah: No time to waste!

Jacob Black: Now?

Sam Uley: We must destroy it before it's born.

Seth: You mean, kill Bella?

Sam Uley: Her decision affects us all.

Jacob Black: Bella's human. Our protection applies to her.

Leah: [snarls] She's dying anyway!

[Jacob jumps on Leah and they tussle briefly]

Sam Uley: We have real enemies to fight tonight!

Jacob Black: Tonight?

[Sam growls and lifts his head high; using his alpha wolf voice]

Sam Uley: You will fight with us, Jake.

[Sam advances, snarling. All the wolves are forced to bow their heads in submission. Jake struggles as his head is forced to bow before Sam]

Jacob Black: [struggling with all his will, he thrusts his head up] I... will... NOT! I am the grandson of Ephraim Black. I am the grandson of a CHIEF! I wasn't born to follow you, or anyone else!

Finny: Somebody needs a hug!

Leah: Don't even think about it.

Finny: Where are you going?

Leah: None of your business.

Finny: Cool. Count me in!

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.

Juno MacGuff: I'm at suicide risk.

Leah: Juno?

Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?

Leah: Only the one in my pants...

Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.

Leah: What? Honest to blog?

Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.

Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?

Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.

Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...

Juno MacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.

Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?

Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.

Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!

Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

Leah: Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.

Juno MacGuff: I'm Pregnant.

Bren: Oh, God.

Juno MacGuff: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And and what ah 30 or odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.

Mac MacGuff: You're pregnant?

Juno MacGuff: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since like Wednesday... morning.

Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.

Juno MacGuff: I, uh...

Mac MacGuff: Who is the kid?

Juno MacGuff: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.

Bren: Nails, really?

Juno MacGuff: Yeah!

Mac MacGuff: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?

Juno MacGuff: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.

Mac MacGuff: Paulie Bleeker?

Juno MacGuff: What?

Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.

Leah: I know, right?

Juno MacGuff: ...and the receptianist tried to get me to take these condoms that looked like grape suckers and was just babbling away about her freaking boyfiends pie balls! Oh an Su-Chin was there and she was like, "Hi babies have fingernails." Fingernails!

Leah: Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?

Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?

Leah: Yes!

Juno MacGuff: No!

Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!

Juno MacGuff: No, there will be no sex!

Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?

Juno MacGuff: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.

Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?

Juno MacGuff: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.

Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!

Bren: What's that supposed to mean?

Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.

Juno MacGuff: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?

Leah: Or, like, stage parents.

Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?

Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.

Bren: What is your job title exactly?

Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.

Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?

Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.

Juno MacGuff: Bren! You's a dick! I love it!

[at Juno's ultrasound]

Leah: Whoa! Check out Baby Big Head. Dude, that thing is freaky lookin'.

Juno MacGuff: Excuse me. I am a sacred vessel, alright? All you've got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

Juno MacGuff: God, why is everyone always staring at me?

Leah: Well, you are kind of... convex.

Juno MacGuff: Wow, someone's been actually doing her geometry homework for once!

Leah: I don't have a choice. Keith's been grading me really hard lately.

Juno MacGuff: Please do not refer to Mr. Conyers as "Keith," okay? My barf reflex is already heightened these days.

Leah: All right, how about this one? 'Healthy, educated couple seeking infant to join our family of five. You will be compensated. Help us complete the circle of love.'

Juno MacGuff: Yeesh, they sound like a cult, is what the sound like! And besides they already have three kids. They're just like greedy little bitches!

Juno MacGuff: No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier.

Leah: Okay, well what did you have in mind?

Juno MacGuff: I was thinking more, like, graphic designer... mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.

Leah: God you're getting huge. How many months has it been now?

Juno MacGuff: Um it's coming up on the eighth. You should see me naked.

Leah: I wish my funbags would get bigger.

Juno MacGuff: Trust me, you don't. I actually have to wear a bra now and I have to rub this nasty cocoa butter stuff all over myself or my skin could get stretched too far and explode.

Leah: Hot!

Leah: Yum, this pretzel tastes like a freaking DONUT!

Leah: So, are you going to go to Haven Brook or Women Now? 'Cause you know, you need a note from your parents for Haven Brook.

Juno MacGuff: Yeah, I-I know. Ummm... no, I'm going to go to Women Now, just cause they help out "women now."

[from trailer]

Juno MacGuff: I could like, have this baby and give it to someone who like totally needs it.

Leah: You should look in the PennySaver.

Juno MacGuff: They have ads for parents?

Leah: Yeah! 'Desperately Seeking Spawn.'

Juno MacGuff: He said her house smells like soup.

Leah: Oh my god it does! I was there like four years ago for her birthday party. It's like Lipton landing!

Leah: But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie.

Leah: [about Bleeker taking Katrina De Voort to prom] Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.

Juno MacGuff: [defensive] I'm not jealous, and I don't care. I just know he doesn't like Katrina and I don't think he should toy with her emotions like that. She seems so nice and all.

Leah: [reading] "Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple have found true love with each other." Aw... all that's missing is your bastard!

Juno MacGuff: I want a parakeet.

Leah: [sees Juno kissing Bleeker] You know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!

[Juno shoots the bird at her]

Leah: [to Juno] God, Spermy. Must you always feed?

Leah: Would you like to share something personal with the crew? Robert... Uh... Ro-berta.

Roberta: Personal?

Leah: Mm.

Roberta: Well, uh, my name is Roberta, and... I'm addicted to porn and I masturbate constantly.

[silence - the sorority sisters stare at him]

Roberta: Pillow fight! Pillow fight!

Leah: I can guarantee you, that guy is a wham bam thank you ma'am!

Daisy: No, no I heard he's a "hello. How are you? You seem like a person I'd like to get to know. Can I take you out to dinner... Sometime, ma'am."

Leah: Should I get under the table and suck your cock right now?

Dave: Right here?

Leah: Don't suppose you've got any jobs in your new pub?

Sandra: No. But if I ever do turn it into a brothel I'll get back to you, ok?

Sandra: It's not natural, is it?

Jamie: What ain't?

Sandra: A girl her age being into Mama Cass.

Leah: She's got a really beautiful voice.

Sandra: And what's wrong with Madonna?

Leah: She's a slag.

Sandra: Hypocrite.

Leah: It's your bird. She talks to me like I've got "cunt" written on me forehead.

Tony: You shouldn't use words like "bird".

Leah: Come on Slasher, let's go.

Sandra: Slasher? What do you slash, crepe paper?

Leah: He's incontinent.

Leah: We have been friends since like sperm.

Leah: Is it just you three, or is your entire gender mentally deficient?

Josh: It's pretty much all of us.

Leah: I'm vacating this switchlized adolescent display of hedenistic amorality.

Leah: Paul, are we alone?

Paul: Uh, yeah.

Leah: I want to discuss De Beauvoir right now.

Paul: Okay.

Leah: Paul, do you believe that one's life has value so long as one attributes value to the love of others?

Paul: Uh, yeah.

Leah: Good, good. Very good. Do you believe that women can free themselves, both through individual action as well as... collective decisions?

Paul: Yeah. Yes. Absolutely.

Leah: Do you believe that one is not born, but rather becomes a woman?

Paul: Well, yes, but don't forget that De Beauvoir said that even the most sympathetic of men can never fully comprehend a woman's situation.

Leah: Shh, shh. Paul, we'll get to that. Right now, I need you to do me a favor.

Paul: Yes.

Leah: I need you to help me become a woman. Right now.

Liz Batho: And now, it is time to complete these black rites as the midnight hour draws near. I make this unholy sacrifice of Alban Elved to the prince of darkness. Dark lord, restore my youth and beauty, and I will continue to serve only you... forever!

Leah: Not so fast, you eurotrash hell whore.

Katharine: Leah!

Liz Batho: Leah. You little brat. I knew you'd make an appearance here tonight, just as your ancestor did on this night, so many moons ago.

Leah: What does that mean?

Liz Batho: I knew I recognized your bloodline the moment I saw you, cousin.

Katharine: Cousin?

Liz Batho: Yes. Your friend, Leah, is a direct descendant of Emperor Matthias II, who condemned me to death by walling me inside my bedchamber. But my power was strong, and a fortnight after they buried me in the cold earth, my devoted coven brought me back. They hid me for many years until I could reclaim the castle and continue this unholy ritual that has given me... eternal life. And now, I shall take especially sweet revenge by bathing in the blood of my enemy's great-great-granddaughter.

Katharine: Leah!

Leah: Go for it, bitch. You know, I thought you might try that tonight, so I made it a point to lose my precious virginity before stopping by.

Katharine: You did? Was it with Paul?

Leah: You bet it was.

Katharine: Oh, wow. Good for you.

Liz Batho: Silence! No matter. I have other ways of torturing you.

[first lines]

Leah: One female in her late 30s, three minors. Multiple stab wounds and blunt force trauma.

Beverley, Leah's Mother: If she were dead, I would know it in my heart.

Leah: She's dead and she's never coming back!

Leah: Look at all those great big tears. I bet if we tried to smile they would all go away.

Leah: Yo. I was wondering if you guys know where I can get some weed or anything?

[Blue whistles]

Blue: You think we're some drug dealers or something man?

Leah: Uh... no? I just thought you guys maybe know were the hook is...

Blue: Nah, for real shorty... You can't be coming straight and ask strangers like that. Aright?

Leah: Are you serious?

Blue: Do I look serious?

[Leah walks away, Blue lights up a joint]

Blue: Hey shorty!

[Leah turns]

Blue: Don't do drugs, aright?

Blue: You feel this?

[pause]

Blue: I wanna marry you Leah.

[pause]

Blue: Will you marry me?

[pause]

Leah: Marry you?

Blue: Will you?

[pause]

Leah: You're not serious.

Blue: I'm dead fucking serious. Marry me.

Leah: But... we are so young.

Blue: Yeah, but something like this only happens once in a lifetime.

Blue: Hello.

Leah: Hi.

Blue: What's your name?

Leah: Leah.

Blue: I'm Blue.

Leah: That's your real name?

Blue: Maybe.

Leah: Why do they call you that?

Blue: 'Cause I'm always sad.

[pause]

Blue: Before I met you.

Leah: [to Blue] What kind of girl do you think I am?

Blue: If I talked I could walk, but I ain't doing that shit.

[pause]

Blue: Fuck, I fuck up right when I met you.

Leah: Blue I told you, we're gonna figure it out.

[pause]

Blue: Is that what you think shorty?

[pause]

Leah: I always figure it out.

Carter: [on being shot] What the fuck was that?

Leah: Beanbag non lethal round.

Leah: [to Molly, after coming out of the bathroom stall] You can't hide in here all day, you know. Believe me, I've tried.

Leah: [bumping into Suzie] I'm so sorry. I didn't even see you there.

Leah: [to Molly] I don't um- I don't really do the cafeteria thing. So...

[puts her number in Molly's phone and gets up to leave]

Leah: Call me later... Ditch the bible-thumper.

Leah: So what about you? You got uh, low self-esteem or uh mild depression? Or maybe a weird psychosexual disorder?

Molly Hartley: ...My mom tried to kill me... She stabbed me in the bathroom, one day after school.

Leah: [scoffing] Right... You're screwing with me!

Molly Hartley: [revealing the scar] She's locked away in the psycho-ward outside of town.

Leah: [to Joe] Do you seriously know, like all of these people?

Leah: Come on. You can't tell me you're not bored out of your mind here.

Leah: The telekinesis with the blood and water was a nice trick, Alex.

Alex: And what about you Leah? Walk through any walls lately?

Leah: [softly, almost ashamed] It was a... filing cabinet.

Mara: Wait, you can walk through walls? I'm sorry, what are we still doing here?

Leah: Just objects. I can't leave a room... yet.

Mara: Okay, I'm with freaks...

Leah: Be careful with hope. It's a trick the devil will play on you.

Leah: If the husband is a drunk, the wife is a martyr.

Norman: Say, you wearin' that pretty dress for me?

Leah: You like it?

Norman: Yeah, mm, I like along with what's inside it.