Laurie Quotes in Serpico (1973)

Frank Serpico: When I come home, I want to come home to a clean house.

Laurie: Paco, don't take it out on me.

Frank Serpico: I'm not taking it out on you; I just don't wanna have to pick up *shit*!

Laurie: [starts crying]

Laurie: Girls, time for your Adderall!

Brad: Lazy people are the most important people in the world.

Laurie: Oh yeah?

Brad: Yeah. Yeah, laziness breeds efficiency. It's because of the lazy people that we have remote control, automatic transmission, go-gurt. All the handiwork of the lazies.

Brad: Okay, top or bottom...

Laurie: [stares back]

Brad: What? You wanna flip for it? Rock, paper, scissors?

[Laurie hides in the closet]

Charlie: Laurie, you're not in the hallway. You're in the closet.

Laurie: Don't you think I realize that? I'm not coming out!

Charlie: Laurie.

Laurie: I'm not!

Charlie: You have to come out.

Laurie: No.

Charlie: The bodies are in there.

[Laurie runs out screaming]

Charlie: I was just kidding!

Laurie: Nana, they tortured him.

Fern: So what? A little castor oil down his gullet.

Annette: Uh!

Fern: A little electricity on his dillywhacker.

Annette: Uh!

Fern: Cat piss.

Laurie: Charlie, I've got it: Fed Ex! Fed Ex them to Steve.

Charlie: We're in Mexico, Laurie. There is no Fed Ex.

Laurie: Well Mex Ex them. I don't care.

Laurie: Let's call the police.

Charlie: No! We're in Mexico, Laurie. A third world country. You don't just call the police in a third world country and tell them you found eight human heads in your luggage.

Laurie: Why not?

Charlie: Because they have no laws here. They'll turn me into a taco.

[Eugene is spying on a neighbor woman undressing when his cousin Laurie knocks on the door]

Laurie: Eugene, your father wants you to go to the store to get ice cream.

Eugene: Tell him I'm busy... ice cream? Wait a minute, I'll be right there.

Buddy Evans: [looking at Ms. Werner's teeth] What are those?

Ms. Werner: What are what?

Buddy Evans: Those things on your teeth.

Ms. Werner: [lisping] They're braces.

Buddy Evans: [imitates lisp] I know they're braces. But do you have to wear them?

Ms. Werner: No, they're the latest in costume jewelry. Of course I have to wear them.

Buddy Evans: I see. Well, it's just that I don't want my son to look like Jaws 2.

Ms. Werner: Well, he could end up with your forehead.

Buddy Evans: What's wrong with my forehead?

Ms. Werner: Look at those lines.

Buddy Evans: What lines?

Ms. Werner: Looks like it's suffering from erosion.

Buddy Evans: As long as we're talking about looks, your nose isn't exactly classic.

Ms. Werner: Has anyone ever suggested that you plant corn in your eyebrows?

Buddy Evans: My eyebrows are fine.

Ms. Werner: Sure, if you're into wildlife.

Buddy Evans: That's very amusing.

Ms. Werner: Thank you.

Buddy Evans: As long as we're talking about hair, about that "mat" on your head.

Ms. Werner: What about it?

Buddy Evans: Well, do you shampoo it or do you have it crop-dusted?

[chuckles]

Ms. Werner: [stepping out of Buddy's office angrily] That is the rudest man I have ever met.

Laurie: Please, forgive him. This is very important to him.

Ms. Werner: [voice breaking] I can understand about my braces, but there is nothing wrong with my nose.

Laurie: It's a terrific nose.

Laurie: You want it straight? 'Cause I'm the only fucking one who's gonna tell you for some fucking reason. You killed him. You killed your father when you left. Are you hearing me? You fucking killed him. You left a trail of blood when you left. So forget me, forget all this shit, forget it, alright? You killed your mother, and you killed your father. And for the past fucking 20 years, he's been dying - just waiting for you to come home. Say 'Daddy, you fucked up.' 'Daddy, I fucking hate your guts.' Daddy whatever the fuck you need to get out of your angsty little fucking head...

Dito: Touch my head one more fucking time I'm gonna go nuts...

Laurie: Go ahead, go fucking nuts. Go fucking nuts. Let it out. Stop fucking running away. You think you're a fucking man, that's just a fucking tail between your legs. Go home and take care of your mother. Go home and take care of your father. *That's* going to make you a fucking man. That's all you got left. 'Cause if you don't do that shit, it's too fucking late.

Laurie: [to Dito] You think you're a fuckin' man? That's just a tail between your legs.

Laurie: So when we leaving, honey?

Johnny: I'm leaving now.

[kisses her]

Johnny: I'm traveling light.

[throws her at Chuck]

Johnny: Here, Chuck, it's all yours!

Laurie: I have loved you since the moment I clapped eyes on you. What could be more reasonable than to marry you?

Jo March: We'd kill each other.

Laurie: Nonsense!

Jo March: Neither of us can keep our temper-...

Laurie: I can, unless provoked.

Jo March: We're both stupidly stubborn, especially you. We'd only quarrel!

Laurie: I wouldn't!

Jo March: You can't even propose without quarreling.

Amy: I don't wanna die. I've never even been kissed. I've waited my whole to be kissed, and what if I miss it?

Laurie: I tell you what. I promise to kiss you before you die.

Laurie: I'm quite taken by that one.

Jo: That's Meg!

Laurie: Meg.

Jo: That's my sister. She's completely bald in front.

Laurie: Someday you'll find a man, a good man, and you'll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him. And I'll be hanged if I stand by and watch.

Laurie: Fellow artists, may I present myself as an actor, a musician, and a loyal and very humble servant of the club.

Jo March: We'll be the judge of that.

Laurie: In token of my gratitude and as a means of promoting communication between adjoining nations, shouting from windows being forbidden, I shall provide a post office in our hedge, to further incourage the bearing of our souls and the telling of our most appalling secrets. I do pledge never to reveal what I recieve in confindence here.

Meg: Well, then. Do take your place Rodrigo.

Jo March: Sir Rodrigo.

Jo: If I weren't going to be a writer I'd go to New York and pursue the stage. Are you shocked?

Laurie: Very.

Amy: Do you hear from Jo? She has befriended a German professor.

Laurie: Yes, well, no doubt he's showing her the ways of the world.

Amy: I do not wish to be courted by someone who is still in love with my sister!

Laurie: I'm not in love with Jo.

Amy: Then how do you explain your jealousy?

Laurie: I envy her happiness. I envy his happiness. I envy John Brooke for marrying Meg. I hate Fred Vaughn. And if Beth had a lover I would despise him too. Just as you have always known that you would never marry a pauper, I have always known I should be part of the March family.

Amy: I do not wish to be loved for my family.

Laurie: Any more than Fred Vaughn wishes to be loved for his 40,000 a year!

Laurie: Hello! Jo! Come over here. You too, Meg. It's dull as tombs around here.

Jo: Teddy? Oh, this is magic!

Laurie: Jo, you are absolutely

Jo: Covered in flour! Oh dear.

Laurie: Meg?

Meg: Please don't tell Jo how I've behaved.

Laurie: As long as you won't tell anyone how I've behaved.

Meg: I was just playing a part. To see what it felt like to be Belle Gardiner with four proposals and 20 pairs of gloves.

Laurie: You're worth ten of those girls.

Boston Matron: Did you see the way that March girl has gone after the Laurence heir?

Boston Matron: Best thing that could happen to the Marches.

Meg: This ridiculous dress, I've been tripping over it all night.

Laurie: Tie something around your neck where it can do you some good.

Dr. Bangs: There is nothing to be done. If I bleed her, it would finish her. Best send for the mother.

Laurie: Forgive me. I have already done so. Mrs. March arrives on the train this night.

[last lines]

Laurie: It was the boogeyman...

Loomis: As a matter of fact, it was.

Annie: [Michael Myers' car cruises by the girls walking home from school] Hey, jerk! Speed kills!

[the car screeches to a halt]

Annie: God, can't he take a joke?

Laurie: You know, Annie, some day you're going to get us all in deep trouble.

Lynda: Totally.

Annie: I *hate* a guy with a car and no sense of humor.

Lindsey: I'm scared!

Laurie: There's nothing to be scared of.

Tommy: Are you sure?

[Laurie nods]

Tommy: How?

Laurie: I killed him...

Tommy: But you can't kill the boogeyman!

Annie: Still spooked?

Laurie: I wasn't spooked.

Annie: Lies!

Laurie: I wasn't! I saw someone standing in Mr. Riddle's back yard.

Annie: Probably Mr. Riddle!

Laurie: He was watching me.

Annie: Mr. Riddle was watching you? Laurie, Mr. Riddle is eighty-seven!

Laurie: He can still watch.

Annie: That's probably all he can do!

Lynda: [concerning Annie] The only reason she babysits is to have a place for...

Laurie: [realizing she had forgot something] Shit.

Annie: I have a place for *that*!

Laurie: I forgot my chemistry book.

Lynda: So, who cares? I always forget my chemistry book and my math book, and my English book, and my, let's see, my French book, and... well, who needs books anyway? I don't need books. I always forget all my books. I mean, it doesn't really matter if you have your books or not... Hey, isn't that Devon Graham?

[the Shape is lurking by a bush on the sidewalk]

Laurie: Annie, look!

Annie: Look where? I don't see anything.

Laurie: That guy who passed us in the car before, the one you yelled at!

Annie: Subtle, isn't he?

[marches over to the bush]

Annie: Hey, creep!

[pauses]

Annie: Laurie, dear. He wants to talk to you. He wants to take you out tonight.

Laurie: [seeing there's nobody there] He was standing right there.

Annie: Poor Laurie! Scared another one away. It's tragic, you *never* go out. You must have a small fortune stashed away from babysitting so much.

Laurie: Guys think I'm too smart.

Annie: I don't. I think you're wacko. Now you're seeing men behind bushes!

Tommy: It's the boogeyman! The boogeyman's outside!

Laurie: Oh, Tommy, stop it! You're scaring Lindsey. There's nobody out there. Now, if you don't stop this I'm going to have to turn the TV off and send you to bed.

Tommy: Nobody believes me!

Lindsey: I believe you, Tommy.

Laurie: Tommy, unlock the door! Come here, now you listen to me. I want you to go down the stairs, and out the front door. I want you to go down the street to the Mackenzie's house. I want you to tell them to call the police and tell them to send them over here. Now, do you understand me? Go do as I say!

Lynda: It's totally insane. We have three new cheers to learn in the morning, the game is in the afternoon, I have to get my hair done at five, and the dance is at eight! I'll be totally wiped out!

Laurie: [sarcastically] I don't think you have enough to do tomorrow.

Lynda: Totally!

Tommy: Laurie, what's the boogeyman?

Laurie: There's no such thing.

Laurie: Lynda, if this is a joke, I'll kill you!

Lynda: So Annie, are we still on for tonight?

Annie: I wouldn't want to get you in deep trouble, Lynda!

Lynda: Oh, come on, Annie! Bob and I have been planning it for weeks.

Annie: All right, the Wallaces leave at seven.

Laurie: I'm babysitting the Doyles, it's two houses down. We can keep each other company!

Annie: Oh, terrific. I've got three choices: watch the kid sleep, listen to Lynda screw around, or talk to you!

Tommy: I don't like that story anymore.

Laurie: I thought King Arthur was your favorite.

Tommy: Not anymore.

[takes a stack of comics from under the couch]

Laurie: Why do you keep them under there?

Tommy: Mom doesn't like me having them.

Laurie: Laser Man, Neutron Man. I can understand why. Tarantula Man...

Tommy: Laurie, what's the Boogeyman?

Tommy: But I saw the boogeyman! I saw him!

Laurie: Okay, what did he look like?

Tommy: Umm... the boogeyman!

Laurie: [to herself, watching kids trick-or-treating] Well, kiddo, I thought you outgrew superstition.

Laurie: [sees Annie wearing a shirt because her clothes are in the laundry] Oh, fancy!

Annie: This has not been my night. I spilled butter all over my clothes, they're in the wash. I got stuck in the laundry room...

Laurie: Listen, I want you to call Ben Tramer and tell him you were just fooling around.

Annie: I can't.

Laurie: Yes, you can.

Annie: No, I can't. He went drinking with Mike Godfrey and won't be home until late. You'll have to call him tomorrow. Besides, I'm on my way to pick up Paul.

Laurie: Wait a minute...

Annie: If you watch her, I'll consider talking to Ben Tramer in the morning. Deal?

Laurie: Deal.

[to herself after Annie leaves]

Laurie: The old Girl Scout comes through again.

Laurie: [in the Wallace house, and noises are coming from upstairs] All right you meatheads, joke's over.

[silence]

Laurie: Come on, Annie. That's enough.

[more silence]

Laurie: It's most definitely stopped being funny, now cut it out! You'll be sorry.

Tommy: What about the jack-o-lantern?

Laurie: After the movie.

Tommy: What about my comics?

Laurie: After the jack-o-lantern.

Tommy: What about the boogeyman?

Laurie: There's no such thing.

Laurie: [Tommy's scared of the boogeyman] We're getting nowhere. Look, the boogeyman can only come out on Halloween, right? Well, I'm here; I'm not about to let anything happen to you.

Tommy: Promise?

Laurie: Promise.

Laurie: Sleep tight, kids.

[the girls set up the dead corpses around the fire]

Laurie: I'm nervous.

Danielle: [combs the front of her hair] Hey. You're gonna be fine. Just be yourself.

Laurie: It's my first time so... just bear with me.

[the girls begin to dance, snarl, and hiss]

Steven: What are you doing?

[the girls' skin begins to rip, peel, with growls, as Steven begins to scream]

Laurie: My, my what big eyes you have.

[Laurie throws her back up and then strikes down to bite Steven's neck as he screams with horror]

[the girls talking behind the dressing room doors before walking out as Disney princesses]

Laurie: I am not wearing this. It's too small. And my tits keep popping out.

Danielle: That's the idea.

Laurie: I don't know why we drove out here when there are perfectly good guys in the city.

Janet: Fresh meat.

Maria: It's what we do every Halloween, Laurie.

Laurie: Whatever happened to Trick or Treating?

Maria: Puberty.

Janet: Last year we were in Tampa.

Maria: And we went as sexy nurses.

Danielle: No Janet, Tampa was two years ago, I remember because you puked doing a guy in his pickup truck.

Janet: I ate some bad Mexican, and it was a jeep.

Danielle: Last year was San Diego. We dressed as sailors and ended up with sailors.

Janet: Yeah, and Maria's sailor was a girl.

Maria: So what, she had a nice ass, it all tastes the same to me anyway.

Laurie: But if this thing is actually killing people, then why is the mayor trying to keep it quiet?

Detective Mortimer Lutz: Potatoes

Laurie: Potatoes?

Detective Mortimer Lutz: Around here that means big money.

Milly Carson: [reacting to Laurie's stopping the car by the side of a deserted road] What's this for - as if I didn't know?

Laurie: How is it dames always know what's on a guy's mind before he knows himself?