Lauren Quotes in This Means War (2012)

Lauren: FDR has these tiny, like, girl hands. Like, little T-Rex hands.

Trish: Ew, gross!

[Tuck laughs]

Trish: That means he's got a Mike and Ike for a penis.

[Tuck laughs out loud]

FDR Foster: You knot that's not true. You've seen it. You've seen it in Bangladesh, you know that's not true.

Lauren: And you look like the kind of guy who's interested in a one-day rental, if you know what I mean.

FDR Foster: I missed you.

Tuck: I know. I've missed you too.

FDR Foster: I love you, man.

Tuck: I love you, too.

FDR Foster: We're back!

Lauren: Oh, my God. I'm Yoko.

Lauren: Oh, I think I'm going to hell

Trish: Don't worry. If you're going to hell, I'll just come pick you up.

Lauren: I'm going out. I'm dating. I'm having fun.

Trish: You date but you're not taking it seriously.

Lauren: Oh, it was the most humiliating moment ever.

Trish: Well, that's because you have to come up with, like, better excuses. You should have been like, "I have a fiancé, too, but he's actually getting a penile reduction this afternoon because his penis is so big, every time it lands like a poltergeist."

Lauren: [taunting the car's unseen driver] Hey, you! Why don't you get outta your big ugly car, huh? We'd like to see what you look like. I'd like to see what a creep like you looks like!

[the car angrily drives around in circles and then stops]

Lauren: Well, come on, come on, get outta your car, huh? Let us all see what a lunatic son of a bitch you are! Come on, crawl out! I'll let you crawl out! Oh, I got your story now! I see! As long as you're in your car, you're big, and you're bad! Come on, let me tell you something, buddy. You know what you are? A chicken!

[the car angrily revs its engine]

Lauren: You're a chickenshit! Scum of the Earth, son of a bitch!

[she hurls a tree branch at the car]

Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.

Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.

Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

Cass Lake: I'm your sister. Lauren's our mother.

Lauren: I'm your mother's identical twin, born ten years apart but identical. I killed your mother. Penis envy. She was a hermaphrodite.

Cass Lake: Mom was my mother *and* my father?

Lauren: Sean's adopted. I dated your real father but chose the life of a freedom fighter.

Lauren: Ryan and I were having sex! Hot steamy, sweaty sex! My body tingled orgasm after orgasm...

Sgt. Orono: Lady, I just asked for your name.

Lauren: Oh... Mrs. Hibbing Goodhue.

Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.

Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!

Truman Burbank: Lauren, right? It's on your book.

Lauren: Lauren. Right. Right.

Truman Burbank: Well, I'm Truman.

Lauren: Yeah. I know. Look, Truman, I'm not allowed to talk to you. You know.

Truman Burbank: Yeah, well, I can understand, I'm a pretty dangerous character.

Mike O' Donnell: [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?

Lauren: Don't respect me.

Samantha: No! Don't respect *me*.

Jaime: You don't even have to remember my name!

Lauren: [In shock] Okay, wow.

Samantha: Yeah, that's like, *really* slutty.

Lauren: You know, I'm curious. With so many possible reasons, which one's the one your wife left you for?

Jim: Cancer.

Lauren: [awkward pause] I'm sorry. I naturally just assumed you were divorced.

Jim: It's okay. I naturally assumed your husband shot himself, so we're even.

Jim: You know what, Hooters is to good for you. I'll never bring you there again

Lauren: Oh well then I guess I'll have to get through life without Hooters

Jim: You've been doing a pretty damn good job so far

Lauren: [looks at her breasts] That doesn't make any sense

Jim: [points at Lauren's breasts] No they... I didn't realize they were that big

Baseball Dad: [after Lauren's son strikes out for the third time at the ball game] Maybe you should try badminton.

Lauren: Maybe you should try mouthwash!

Jen: And deodorant!

Lauren: And some testosterone supplement!

Jen: And some Cialis... I'm just assuming!

Baseball Dad: And shave your neck! It's very hairy.

Lauren: Did you just use use the L word with Dick?

Jen: We said it last night.

Lauren: Jen! That's great Why didn't you tell me?

Jen: Well, you finally had a date and it was so awful. I didn't want to make you feel lonelier than you probably already feel.

Lauren: I'm fine actually and I'm not lonely. I have two wonderful men in my life: Brendan and Tyler.

Jen: Brendan needs a girlfriend and Tyler needs Ritalin.

Lauren: There is no such thing as a perfect man.

Lauren: Lola, you're gonna have to excuse Charlie. We don't have many transvestites in Northampton.

Lola: I'm not merely a transvestite, sweetheart. I'm also a drag queen. It's a simple equation. A drag queen puts on a frock, looks like Kylie. A transvestite puts on a frock, looks like... Boris Yeltsin in lipstick. There, I said it.

Lauren: Maybe you judge what you leave behind by what you inspire in other people.

George: [about Charlie Price in the boots] Does he look sexy?

Lauren: He does to me George.

[first lines]

Lauren: and it's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen, because I always knew it was going to be like that.

Lauren: Abstinence is 100% safe, which is less of a percentage than...

Lara: Whatever, I don't care, I don't major in math.

Lara: It's amazing how much weight you lose when you go off The Pill.

Lauren: Which is nothing compared to the fifty pounds you gain when you get knocked up.

Sean Bateman: I just want to know you.

Lauren: Nobody knows anyone. You will never ever know me.

Lara: How do I look?

Lauren: You look kind of skinny, actually.

Lara: Skinny, really? Bulimic skinny or anorexic skinny?

Lauren: What's the difference?

Lara: Bulimic skinny passes for healthy, except your teeth rot. But my teeth aren't rotting, so...

Lauren: So you look bulimic skinny.

Sean Bateman: Lauren wait, Lauren... Hey, hey Lauren

Lauren: Oh My God!

Sean Bateman: Can we talk?

Lauren: NO!

Sean Bateman: Lauren don't walk away. HEY! I really did try to kill myself... just before I faked it.

Lauren: Wow Sean, it's over.

Sean Bateman: No it's not!

Lauren: Ya it is, I'm in love with somebody else.

Sean Bateman: Who?

Lauren: My old boyfriend Victor. Plus its none of your fucking business.

Sean Bateman: Victor?

Lauren: Ya.

Sean Bateman: What, then why the fuck did you write me those letters?

Lauren: Wow. Deal with it Sean it's over, Rock and Roll.

Sean Bateman: Lauren I want to know you

Lauren: What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me.

Lauren: I always knew it would be like this.

Mr. Lance Lawson: Can I interest you in a turn-on?

Lauren: Um... no thanks.

Mr. Lance Lawson: Well... don't mind if I do.

Lauren: Are-are we gonna do it on the couch or...

Mr. Lance Lawson: Do what?

Lauren: You know, "it"...

Mr. Lance Lawson: What? Fuck...? Oh, are you mad? I'm a married man. And I would lose my tenure...

Lauren: But... aren't you coming onto me?

Mr. Lance Lawson: Well... for a hummer, sure... I'm quite aware of your abilities, Ms. Hyde. And it certainly couldn't hurt your GPA. So... Shall we?

[first lines]

Lauren: It's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen, because I always knew it was going to be like that.

Lauren: How's Shelly?

Dave Spritz: She's doing great.

Lauren: Little angel!

Dave Spritz: Yeah, she doing great...

Robert Spritzel: [comes downstairs] Who's an angel?

Lauren: Shelly...

Robert Spritzel: Shelly is grossly overweight and unhappy. I'm concerned about her, as I am Michael. David?

Dave Spritz: Yeah, Dad...

Lauren: Where are we? We've been going for miles and I haven't seen a single white person on the street.

Sandy: There's one.

[Lauren looks out of taxi cab window]

Sandy: Oops. They got 'em.

Lauren: That's not funny.

Lauren: Are you out of your mind? We don't have two-hundred dollars.

Sandy: Ah, chill out, wouldja?

Lauren: Oh my god, he's going to hurt us.

Sandy: He's not going to hurt us.

Lauren: Oh? Why not?

[They get out of the taxi and are in front of an old, dirty apartment building in an awful part of town]

Sandy: 'Cause we're gonna be raped and murdered in this building.

Lauren: Excuse please. I vas hoping you were to... how do I to say?

Ticket Agent: You say it quickly, I'm off in three minutes.

Sandy: [after spending the night with Michael, Lauren comes into class with a dreamy smile on her face] Oh, my... that kind of evening, huh?

Lauren: Well, not the kind you're used to; no money changed hands!

Lauren: No! Stop!

[runs across the room to snatch the phone receiver out of Sandy's hand]

Lauren: Please do not screech at anyone else. I am trying to prepare for an audition here thank you!

Lauren: I can't talk to that guy. I went to private school.

Sandy: Well, what the hell?

Lauren: Well, that's not his?

Sandy: No way look at that.

Lauren: It's too small.

Sandy: IT'S A FUCKIN PENCIL.

Lauren: How dare you defraud the legitimate theater community of New York City!

Lauren: You defiled a Christmas tree?

Sandy: No-one SAW!

Lauren: [When Lauren & Sandy are impersonating police officers, a criminal reaches for a gun] Don't even think about it! Don't even fuckin' think about it! I'll blow your fuckin' nuts off!

Lauren: This is the happiest day of my life!

Sandy: [incredulously] They bought that shit!

Lauren: [insulted] Shit? SHIT? You're calling my Hamlet *shit*?

Sandy: He's a wimp! I mean, look at him! He can't make up his mind about anything! All he does is go around saying "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?" Give me Romeo or Henry the Fifth! Now there's a guy I could boff!

Lauren: Boff? So we're back to boffing again?

Lauren: [after Michael has fallen from one of the Four Fingers, a leap Lauren made with a grand jété] Nine years of ballet, asshole!

Lauren: My follow up question is this: what do you think you can do to make up for this selfish and insulting behavior on your part? What are you bringing to the table, Colby?

[Colby holds up the plastic bag containing the stolen joints, pills, cocaine, and other narcotics]

Colby Robson: [sheepishly] Uh... party favors?

Caitlin: Can you imagine being addicted to heroin?

Lauren: It's heartbreaking.

Kirstin: But does the weight stay off?

[at Lauren's waiting for Vic to move out of the house]

Lauren: We're trying to get him out of the house.

Val: So I shut off the A/C in the apartment. He'll be so hot, he'll have to move out!

Holly: Val! He's a fireman! He's used to the heat!

Lauren: Sorry, are you going to interview me about my work, or my family?

Marina: Why not both? How about over dinner? Unless you have someone with you.

Lauren: No, I'm alone. I guess I haven't met the right woman yet.

Lauren: [singing] The world is cold, a heart gets torn and tattered.

Lauren: The one you hold, it can be dropped and shattered.

Lauren: Leaning out the window of my car, and wishing on another lucky star.

Lauren: This is for us.

Lauren: [singing] Life goes on as sure as the sky.

Lauren: It's come and gone in the wink of an eye.

Lauren: You leave your home on the wings of a lie...

Lauren: You will never die.

Lauren: I know, but I want you.

Paul Fletcher: So. Lauren, what are you doing tonight?

Terri Fletcher: Paul, stop hitting on my friend!

Lauren: [to Paul] Whatever you're doing tonight.

Terri Fletcher: Lauren, stop hitting on my brother! Ugh!

Paul Fletcher: Let's see what these two poised young women have to say about the last day of school.

Lauren: We're outta here, Riverdale.

Terri Fletcher: Yeah, school's out, baby.

Paul Fletcher: Ah, right. The camera loves you.

Paul Fletcher: Could you tell mom I'll be late.

Terri Fletcher: But it's your graduation barbeque.

Paul Fletcher: I got places to go, people to see. Just save me a burger.

[leaves]

Terri Fletcher: [to Lauren] Give me a ride me home?

Lauren: Sure.

Tomboy: Different breed, mate.

Fionn O'Brien: What?

Tomboy: Different breed, y'know what I mean?

[motions towards Lauren in the back seat]

Lauren: What does he mean?

Tomboy: [driving Lauren to the airport in Ireland] Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.

Lauren: Just take me home.

Tomboy: To New York? Jeez, I thought you'd never ask.

Lauren: Daddy, what if he doesn't like me?

Morris: Well, then the pigs can have him.