Larry Wilson Quotes in Weekend at Bernie's (1989)

Mugger: Give me all your money and your wallets.

Larry Wilson: Aw, get your ass outta here, it's too hot!

Larry Wilson: "A little brown-nosing, a little ass-kissing, work our way up that corporate ladder?" WHY can't you be a lazy shit like I am?

Gwen Saunders: Richard, just tell me what is going on!

Larry Wilson: [comes down the stairs, dragging Bernie's body by the leg] Look honey, Bernie's dead, they guys that killed 'em are now after us, can we hide out at your place or what?

[throws down Bernie's leg as he reaches the bottom of the staircase]

Larry Wilson: .

Gwen Saunders: [eyes as big as golf balls]

Larry Wilson: [sees Gwen's horrified expression, holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!

[bangs Bernie's head against the stair support railing]

Gwen Saunders: [covers her mouth quietly screaming in a high pitched squeal] Aaaaah! Aaaah!

Richard Parker: Gwen, we didn't do this to him!

[Gwen, mouth still covered, begins looking wildly back and forth between Richard and Larry, slowly shaking her head and backing away]

Richard Parker: Look at us! Do we look like the kind of people who could kill someone?

Larry Wilson: [handing Gwen a drink] Come on, honey, sit down, take a load off, have a drink, you'll be fine!

Richard Parker: Let me rephrase that! Do *I* look like the kind of person that could kill someone?

Richard Parker: This is the note. Listen. "Richard Parker and I stole this money from the company to pay for my sex-change operation."

Larry Wilson: What?

Richard Parker: That's what it says.

Larry Wilson: "Now he tells me he loves someone else. I can't live with that, and niether will he." It's got my name written on it!

Richard Parker: Oh God.

Larry Wilson: Son of a bitch. I mean, it's not bad enough that he's trying to kill me. Now he's trying to turn me into a drag queen. Why couldn't he have said you were going to have the operation?

Richard Parker: It doesn't matter, Larry, it doesn't matter.

Larry Wilson: Oh, yes it does matter, Richard, it does matter. I have a reputation to protect here!

Richard Parker: For Christ's sake, Larry! No one is going to have a sex-change operation, huh?

Larry Wilson: Oh yeah. I've gotta call the cops!

Larry Wilson: [Paulie enters the beach house and shoots Bernie] Company...

Richard Parker: I didn't see anything. I was looking at my watch.

Larry Wilson: [closes eyes and waves hands] I'm blind!

[Paulie, unconvinced, points his gun at Richard and Larry. Gwen gasps as Paulie pulls the trigger, but the chamber is empty]

Larry Wilson: It's empty.

Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: That's right.

[opens up jacket, revealing another gun]

Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: But this ain't!

Larry Wilson: What kind of a host invites you to his house for the weekend and dies on you?

Larry Wilson: How do you like that? The guy gets laid more times dead than I do alive.

Larry Wilson: [as Richard and Larry are trying to get away in Bernie's boat, Bernie's body falls into the water] Man overboard!

Larry Wilson: [after Bernie's body flies over the balcony, looking like a high diver] I give it an 8.3!

Larry Wilson: [holds up Bernie's head] It's just Bernie!

Larry Wilson: I have an idea!

Richard Parker: [shouting] What? What is it?

Larry Wilson: Lomax told whoever he was talking to not to kill us while he's around.

Richard Parker: Yes, but Bernie's dead. He's not around anymore.

Larry Wilson: Yeah. I know that. You know that. Nobody else knows that.

Richard Parker: [at Bernie's beach house] Now all of this could be yours, Lar, if you set your goals and work hard.

Larry Wilson: My old man worked hard. All they did was give him more work. Ah!

Tawny: [appears in a bikini] Bernie?

[to Larry & Richard]

Tawny: Hi! Is Bernie around?

Larry Wilson: Hello. No, we haven't seen him, but we just got here. We're gonna be here all weekend. We're house-guests.

Tawny: [grabs the keys to Bernie's boat] Well, tell him Tawny borrowed his boat to go skiing.

Larry Wilson: Hi, Tawny. I'm horny.

Tawny: Oh, Hi. Look, don't forget to tell Bernie, okay?

Richard Parker: Okay.

Richard Parker: Uh, Tawny, you wouldn't happen to know where Bernie is, would ya?

Tawny: Oh, he's probably making the rounds. Everybody parties from house to house, but they always end up here sooner or later. Bye!

[Tawny runs off]

Larry Wilson: And you didn't wanna come.

Richard Parker: I was wrong. I admit it, I was wrong.

Larry Wilson: Why don't we just pretend he didn't die? Just for a bit!

Larry Wilson: God, that guy; beautiful apartment, house at the beach, babes, boat, car. Do you know how much it costs to park a car in Manhattan every month? More than my rent.

Richard Parker: Well, I mean it's only fair. His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.

Larry Wilson: And... I lose again.

Richard Parker: I won. Lar, I have a date.

Larry Wilson: You're kidding?

Richard Parker: No. Gwen and I, Thursday night, 8:00pm, dinner!

Larry Wilson: Fabulous!

[Larry high-fives Richard]

Richard Parker: It was the clumsy approach. It worked.

Larry Wilson: You're gonna wanna borrow my apartment.

Richard Parker: Oh no, but thank you. That's sweet, but I can't do that to you. Thank you.

Larry Wilson: Rich, if she finds out you live with your folks, you're gonna embarrass yourself.

Richard Parker: Yeah. Yeah, I know. But I can't do that to you, Larry.

Larry Wilson: It's the coackroaches isn't it?

Richard Parker: Well...

Larry Wilson: They scatter when the light goes on.

Larry Wilson: Why are you shooting us? We're just friends of Bernie's.

Paulie, Vito's Hit Man: I hate... Bernie's friends!

[keeps shooting]

Larry Wilson: [at the office on a hot Sunday] Let's go to the beach.

Richard Parker: No.

Larry Wilson: We're gonna be here our whole lives.

Richard Parker: Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Larry Wilson: [grabs Richard's papers] I'm going to the beach.

Richard Parker: What are you doing-What are you doing? Gimme those papers.

Larry Wilson: These papers are going to the beach!

Richard Parker: We are not going to the beach.

Larry Wilson: Want these? They're coming to the beach.

Richard Parker: [mumbles] Yes, we're going to the beach.

Larry Wilson: Wilson at the five! Oh, that was beautiful! Replay!

[Richard chases Larry, who runs for the elevator]

Richard Parker: [yells] Gimme those papers!

Larry Wilson: [on the rooftop of Larry's father's apartment] You think it's safe to go in the water?

Richard Parker: Nah, better not. You just ate. You might get cramps.

Larry Wilson: I'll risk it.

Tawny: [Richard and Larry are in Bernie's living room discussing what they should do about the body. A buxomy blonde enters from the patio wearing a thong bikini and sunglasses] Hi, guys! I'm Tawny! Bernie said I could borrow his boat for the day; I've come to get the keys.

Larry Wilson: Hi Tawny! I'm horny!

Richard Parker: Well, you're a half hour late.

Larry Wilson: Only half hour? I'm usually forty-five minutes late. I'm early today.

Larry Wilson: This is good for me.

Security Officer: Hot enough for ya, Larry?

Larry Wilson: No, Harris! Why don't you turn up the heat?

Security Officer: OK, I'll tell the engineer.

Larry Wilson: We could call the cops, Richard, but you know where we'd be spending our weekend. In some... goddamned hot police station answering questions we don't know the answers to.

Richard Parker: Bernie is waiting for us!

Larry Wilson: Look, Bernie isn't going anywhere!

Richard Parker: Paddling... In the Atlantic Ocean... On a dead body. This is now the perfect weekend. It started when I almost broke my leg jumping on a moving ferry. I get to this beautiful beech and my host... Sorry! He's dead! I fell down a lighthouse. I had a corpse wash up next to me on the shore. I then I find out that my dead boss? He's not only a thief; he wants to kill me! I almost drown. The girl of my dreams now thinks I'm a raving lunatic. And now we're going back to the house of death.

Larry Wilson: Great weekend, huh?

Richard Parker: Great weekend!

[Watching Charles and Henry stealing Bernie]

Richard Parker: What kind of idiots would steal a dead body?

Larry Wilson: We did!

Larry Wilson: Swim with the fishes, you zombie bastard!

Larry Wilson: I was not the one who was out CONGA-DANCING all night, huh!

Larry Wilson: [Larry pulls Richard from the sea water and helps lay him on the sand] . Richie breathe.

[Richard awakens and spits water in Larry's face]

Larry Wilson: Richie you spit on me!

Richard Parker: [dazed] I feel so much better.

Bank Executive: [Inside the Bank of St. Thomas] Sign the card please, Mr. Lomax.

Larry Wilson: [hums] Hmm.

Richard Parker: What was that?

Larry Wilson: [Larry moves Bernie's head as if Bernie was whispering to Richard; hums again] Hmm.

Richard Parker: Oh, yeah. Go right ahead, sure.

[Larry forges Bernie's signature on the card. The bank exec checks the card out]

Bank Executive: And now the key, please?

Richard Parker: You have the key, don't ya?

[Larry pulls Bernie's deposit box key out of the trench-coat and hands it to the exec]

Bank Executive: Thank you. I'll just go through the vault and get your safety deposit box.

[the exec leaves to head into the vault]

Richard Parker: It's working

Larry Wilson: Like falling off a log,

[Henry & Charles finds Larry & Richard asleep in the hotel lobby. They wake Larry & Richard up with a punch]

Larry Wilson: [both are awaken; shocked] What, what? I don't have any money, man! I don't...

Charles: All right, all right. Now y'all just be cool, man. Just be cool.

[Larry chuckles nervously]

Henry: [to Richard] How are you doing?

Richard Parker: Fine, thank you. How are you?

Henry: Shh.

Charles: Where the dead man at?

Larry Wilson: Oh, he's in the Jeep. You can have him.

Charles: No, no, no, my brotha. He is NOT in the Jeep! Where is he?

Richard Parker: Well, what do you mean?

Larry Wilson: He's in the Jeep.

Richard Parker: Did you try that red Jeep?

Henry: [to Richard] Uh-uh.

Richard Parker: You're kidding?

[to Larry]

Richard Parker: He's not there.

Henry: Yo, man, what are we gonna do with there two?

Charles: I know what. We're gonna take them to the Mobu and let them explain to HER, that way SHE gonna understand that WE gonna be cool and they gonna be exactly where we is!

Richard Parker: [confused] Huh?

Henry: Oh, yeah. Then we can blame them.

Charles: We're gonna try.

Richard Parker: Say how would you fellas like a margarita?

Larry Wilson: [laughs] On me!

[At the Mobu's compound]

Mobu: [scolds Henry and Charles] You've lost them.

Charles: Well, not-not exactly. Um...

Henry: Anybody could have.

Mobu: Twice. He was going to lead you to the money.

Charles: Oh, yes, but Bu, I know. We messed with the bones and that fool with the conjure, and now he can only walk when the music playing. We're sorry.

Mobu: Where is he now?

Charles, Henry: [points to Richard and Larry] The white boys.

Richard Parker: Um...

Larry Wilson: He - We don't know where he is.

Richard Parker: We left him in the Jeep, dead.

Larry Wilson: Deceased.

Charles: Yeah, but ask them what they was doing at the bank with Bernie?

Larry Wilson: Well... Rich - No. Well, we needed him to get into the safety deposit box

Mobu: What was in the box?

Larry Wilson: A map.

Cartel Man #1: [the cartel mobsters come towards Richard and Larry] Give me the map.

Richard Parker: We don't have it.

Larry Wilson: We don't have the map.

Richard Parker: No map.

Cartel Man #1: [to his partner] Kill them.

[Richard and Larry protests, yelling about whose fault it is]

Mobu: [to the mobsters] If we kill them, we both lose. I have another way.

[the Mobu takes a cup and scoops out a concoction. Then walks to Richard]

Mobu: Drink.

Richard Parker: [hesitant] I'd love to. You see, I just had lunch...

[Cartel Man #1 hold Richard at gunpoint]

Richard Parker: ... but there's always room for Jell-O.

Richard Parker: [in the morgue, panicked] Lar. Lar. Lar. Lar. La... L...

Larry Wilson: What?

Richard Parker: I'm gonna have a heartattack now, I think I'm gonna sit down thanks...

Claudia's Dad: [examining the unconscious Mobu after being struck by the flailing limbs of Bernie] She suffered a concussion. She'll be out for hours.

Richard Parker: Oh. I'm dead. The sun is setting. Just let me lay down and throw some dirt on me.

Larry Wilson: Wait! She can't be out! We brought the money to her! She's gotta help Richie and remove the curse!

Claudia's Dad: She can't do anything like this.

Larry Wilson: Oh. Claudia! Weren't you telling me that there was a way to reverse a curse put on one person by switching the curse to a different person so that the curse was not on the one person but back on the original person?

Claudia: It's possible, but you have to believe in the magic for it to work.

Larry Wilson: In a hypethetical sense, right?

Claudia: Stop joking!

Larry Wilson: [motions to Richard slumped against the house] Look at him! He's dying over here, already! I believe!

Richard Parker: I believe. I believe.

Claudia: Poppa, you can do that kind of magic. I've seen you do it before.

Claudia's Dad: It's possible. But, I need the blood of a virgin.

Claudia: Um...

Richard Parker: Oh. Goodbye.

Claudia's Dad: [Larry puts his hand to his chin, walks around behind Claudia's dad, and with his back to him in embaressment, holds out his finger. Claudia's dad looks at Larry's finger, then up to Larry] You?

Larry Wilson: [Not making eye contact with the Doctor] Just take the blood, Doc.

[the doctor pricks Larry's finger, Larry faints]

Larry Wilson: I need a bottle of Dom Perignon.