Lardass Hogan Quotes in Stand by Me (1986)

[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]

Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba...

[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]

Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.

Mayor Grundy: And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!

[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]

Mayor Grundy: Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.

[Now he speaks to the crowd]

Mayor Grundy: Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!

Donelley Twin, Donelley Twin: Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load!

Mayor Grundy: Heh-heh-heh... GO!

[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Lardass finishes his second pie]

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]

Bill Travis: Done!

Lardass Hogan: [Lardass finishes his third pie] Done!

Mayor Grundy: [to Lardass] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.

[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]

Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!

Gordie: What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.

[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]

Gordie: Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.

Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]

Gordie: Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...

[Lardass barfs all over Bill]

Gordie: ... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!

Vern, Teddy, Chris: [Cheering and laughing] Yeah!