Lance Barton Quotes in Down to Earth (2001)

Lance Barton: I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man?

Lance Barton: Shut up before I crush you with my wallet!

Lance Barton: My father's so cheap... that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the alarm clocks. "You can't tell time when you are asleep".

[after learning that he wasn't supposed to die]

Lance Barton: You killed me! You killed me! You killed me!

Lance Barton: From now on, we need to make a new slogan. If you get shot in the head, you get a bed. If your head is bloody, we're your buddy.

Lance Barton: Look, I don't have a problem with Sontee. I wanna ask her on a date.

Mrs. Wellington: Oh, Charles!

Lance Barton: Don't "Oh, Charles" me! You were gonna have sex on the pool table! You got an 8 ball in your ass!

Lance Barton: We're goin' in there. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches, then crutch your ass in there!

Lance Barton: What is this place?

Keyes: This is heaven.

Lance Barton: Oh, right, I've had this dream before. Is Pac in there?

Lance Barton: You see this foot? It's from a little town called "Rich Man's Ass" and it's getting' homesick!

[after almost getting in a car accident]

Lance Barton: Sontee, you okay?

Sontee Jenkins: Yeah, I'm okay, Cisco, you okay?

Cisco: Yeah, I'm okay, Wanda, you okay?

Wanda: Hell no! I spilled my drink!

Lance Barton: [as Joe Guy, referring to Wanda's paint-stained coat] You know, your coat's bleeding.

Wanda: Mind yo' business!

[reincarnated for the second time as 'Joe Guy', Lance tries to hail a taxi, but they keep driving past him]

Lance Barton: I'm a black again! I'm a black man!

Lance Barton: Didn't your momma ever tell you to carry an extra handcuff key?

Lance Barton: Tiger Woods Y'all, Tiger Woods Y'all!, Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods Y'all!

Lance Barton: When I was a kid, we were so poor... that the roaches was on welfare.

[Lance and King looking at Charles Wellington's body]

Lance Barton: How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him?

King: Aw, c'mon, he looks funny to me.

Lance Barton: I already get booed, do I really have to be beat down on it?

Lance Barton: If you're good looking, you're gonna succeed through life. If you're ugly, you better pick up a book. Boy, you better pick up two books, and a computer while you're at it!

Lance Barton: There's a big rap concert in the Bronx tonight. Somebody's gonna die.

Sontee Jenkins: What kind of man are you?

Lance Barton: Sounds like I'm an asshole!

Lance Barton: Hey I still look like me.

King: You are you.

Lance Barton: I thought I was Wellington.

King: You are Wellington.

Lance Barton: Well thanks for clearing that up.

Lance Barton: I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot. And now you want to take my soul? What are you, the Blair Witch?

Lance Barton: [As Charles Wellington, after offering Wanda a raise]

Lance Barton: Are you happy?

Wanda: I'm estatic.

Lance Barton: You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence. It's always like, "Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo to see the monkeys and..."

[kiss]

Sontee Jenkins: Or it could be like..."Did you hear about that new war in Russia? I heard..."

[kiss]

Lance Barton: So I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.