Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond Quotes in Carry On... Up the Khyber (1968)

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Tell Major Shorthouse to call me an elephant.

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: He needn't bother I'll do it. You're an elephant!

The Khasi of Kalabar: [Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph] I must take that with me now

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Then take me with it

The Khasi of Kalabar: But what about your husband?

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh, we don't want him!

The Khasi of Kalabar: Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh, of course

[tearful]

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!

The Khasi of Kalabar: Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [happy] Oh well, that's alright then, innit!

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [brushing off a collapsed ceiling] Oh dear! I seem to have got a little plastered!

[the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked]

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh! How awful! What can have happened ?

Captain Keene: I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.

Missionary: Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!

Private Jimmy Widdle: Ginger!

Missionary: Who is?

Private Jimmy Widdle: He is. Ginger, my mate.

Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Private Hale ?

Private Jimmy Widdle: Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.

Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate?

Private Jimmy Widdle: Ginge, mate! How do you feel?

Private Ginger Hale: Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded.

Private Jimmy Widdle: Only here and there.

Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right?

Private Jimmy Widdle: Of course not, Ginge mate.

Private Ginger Hale: Eh?

Private Jimmy Widdle: I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate."

Private Ginger Hale: I'm not going to be all right?

Private Jimmy Widdle: Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it.

Private Ginger Hale: You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say.

Private Jimmy Widdle: What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight.

Private Ginger Hale: Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you!

Sergeant-Major MacNutt: That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad?

Private Ginger Hale: They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them.

[He belches]

Private Ginger Hale: Burpas! They... they... oooh!

[Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly]

Private Jimmy Widdle: Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate!

[Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off]

Private Ginger Hale: That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!

Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: [watching polo game] Ooh, I say! He did not 'alf crack that one, did he not?

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Dearest, if you can't express yourself in more elegant terms, kindly shut your cakehole