Kyle Quotes in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)


Kyle Quotes:

  • Jean Girard: Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?

    Kyle: That is a fair compromise.

    Herschell: Very fair, actually.

    Ricky Bobby: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!

    Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.

    Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?

    Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.

    Ricky Bobby: [whispering] What do you think?

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't say it.

    Ricky Bobby: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!

    Jean Girard: As you wish.

    [He breaks Ricky's arm]

    Ricky Bobby: [in pain] He actually did it!

  • Heather: Do you see it anywhere?

    Kyle: [sarcastically] Yeah I see it, but I'm keeping it a secret from you because I want you to be surprised.

    Heather: Oh thank you for your thought of this Kyle. Really, it's always what I wanted in a boyfriend.

    [the shark swims past the rear end of the car]

    Heather: Oh! I can't handle this much longer. It may seem surprising, but I'm not equip to deal with this kind of situation.

    Heather: [puts her dog in the back seat] Here Bulli, you need some space.

    [the shark smashes into Kyle's side of the window, water starts to pour in]

    Heather: Kyle do something, you have to do something!

    Kyle: What! Like What! Ask the fucking thing to go away!

  • Kyle: Leave our field or you will suffer the consequences!

    Richie: What is this, "children of the corn"?

  • Kyle: I'm gonna call the cops!

    Clark: We are cops!... We're navy seals!

    Kyle: Navy seals aren't cops!

    Troy: Aren't you our paperboy?

    Clark: ...I'm undercover

  • Kyle: Time to meet your makers!

    Clark: Makers of what? POOP?

  • Kyle: I heard you never took the bar.

    Wilee: It's on my list.

    Kyle: Don't stress about it. Hey, they say if you snort some Ritalin, it's a cakewalk!

    Wilee: Sage advice.

  • 451: People say one thing and do the other. It's just all bullshit. Don't waste words. Just best not to say anything.

    Kyle: Yeah, OK shut up.

  • Leila: [seeing D in the distance, approaching the village] Kyle, why don't you start back without me? There's something I want to do here first.

    [Looking at him, he slowly move closer to look her in the eyes; just stares at her a few seconds, a little too close for her liking; eventually, sounding angry]

    Leila: Back off.

    Kyle: Have I told you you're quite irresistable in that sexy skintight getup?

    Leila: [sarcastic] No, tell me about it.

    Kyle: I just did. You make sure you watch your back with that guy, Leila.

  • Borgoff: Ready or not, here they come. It's Zombie Time.

    Kyle: Yeah. Come and get it, zombies!

    Nolt: Amen to that.

  • Kyle: I have a very bad feeling about this.

    Borgoff: How so?

    Kyle: I think I've finally figured it out, Borgoff.

    Borgoff: Well, I'm sure you're right... if you're thinking they're headed for the Castle.

    Kyle: Yeah, that's right, the Castle. The Castle of Chaythe. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WE CAN'T GO IN THERE, IT WOULD BE SUICIDE! IT WOULD BE INSANE!

    Borgoff: What are you now, afraid of a little insanity? Since when have we been sane? We just have to get to them before they reach the Castle.

  • Frat member: [Holding up a white hood] Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

    Josh: Whoa whoa, that isn't ours.

    Kyle: That's not mine!

    Josh: OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.

    Frat member: There is. See your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.

    Kyle: [faints]

  • E.L.: Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.

    Kyle: That makes no sense.

    E.L.: Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.

    Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

    E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

  • Kyle: It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.

    [Josh, Rubin and E.L. are understandably repulsed]

    Kyle: Because it's your dog.

    Rubin: Jesus Christ!

    Kyle: You know, because it's YOUR dog, get it?

    Rubin: Yeah, we've got it.

  • Earl Edwards: Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why didn't you tell us where you were?

    Kyle: Because I knew you'd get mad! See, look how mad you are.

    Earl Edwards: [angrily] I'M NOT MAD!

  • Oh: Hello friend Kyle!

    Kyle: I am not your friend.

    Oh: Of course, you are... We have had many enjoyable talks.

    Kyle: We talked because I am not allowed to move.

    Oh: You are always saying the funny things. Perhaps you can say them at my warming-up house party tonight?

  • Pigeon: Where to Mac?

    Kyle: Just drive.

  • Kyle: Dad! There's a gorilla in the bathroom!

    Robert: Kyle, there is no gorilla in the bathroom.

    Kyle: But, Dad...

    Robert: Go back to sleep.

  • Eric: This is the rashest thing that's ever happened to us before.

    Kyle: I don't know what are we even talking about this for?

    Brad: Why don't we just go home?

    Eric: The guy's a fucking fugitive, man.

    Brad: Great. I hate this, you realize that?

    Eric: What? Who do you hate?

    Brad: Yeah, hilarious. The guy said it's the police they're after. So why don't we just not do this, okay? Are you even listening to me?

    Eric: No.

    Kyle: Look at this thing.

    [Kyle, Brad and Eric see a old car]

    Brad: What does it say about him? I guess he was a little bit disappointed.

    Kyle: C'mon he's a cop Brad, we got to help him.

    Brad: We don't... we don't even know the guy, I mean, we might be accomplices. Kyle, the guy's been shot. He needs real medical attention, I mean we could have a real doctor go down there and no one would know the difference.

    Eric: What? Look, you heard what he said, right? The only thing he's got is us. Us three, our shack, our fucking shit, okay? Alright? Let's go Kyle.

    [They start to push the car]

    Eric: One, two, three.

    [Brad stops pushing the car]

    Kyle: This doesn't have to be a big deal Brad, we pushed the car so what?

    Eric: Here we go, Bradley, are you in or are you out? Hun?

  • Liquor Store Manager: I said you'll have to leave or we'll call the police.

    Kyle: Oh, relax okay?

    Liquor Store Manager: That's it Barney, call the police.

    Eric: Yeah, Barney cause you got first big guy? Hey ah, do you like this? *Points to the bottle of wine*

    Liquor Store Manager: Put the bottle back, sir.

  • Luke Cooper: They're good guys, but no one cares. Your friends, they don't care, they're good guys but they really don't care if you're a pilot. Your school they don't care, your family, it sounds like they want you to fail, so why care about them, why care what they think?

    Kyle: I don't know.

    Luke Cooper: No one cared about me when I grew up; I can tell you that. You know what I learned about the world? You do unto others, you eat what you kill and that's what life is.

    Kyle: You're not a cop are you?

    Luke Cooper: Your friends say that?

    Kyle: No, no one just... just me kinda.

  • Kyle: [after Megan runs out of the clubhouse because Luke tried to sexually intimidate her] Megan!

    Megan: Get away from me!

    Kyle: Megan, stop please!

    Megan: Go back to your pig friends Kyle!

    Kyle: Look, I'm so sorry, I don't know how...

    Megan: You just stood there! You didn't do anything! I should call the cops for that!

    Kyle: No, no, no! You can't call the cops! I know we deserve it!

    Megan: You know what? Hell, my friends were right about you. You're a big loser like your whole family!

    Kyle: [Kyle gasps] Megan! I don't know what that was! I...

    Megan: Fuck off, Kyle!

    Kyle: [shouting to Eric, Brad and Luke] You guys happy now?

  • Kyle: Did anything come?

    Kyle's Dad: Like what?

    Kyle: Dad, the test results, whether I got in, It's coming any day.

    Kyle's Dad: Starting your line pilot exam.

    Kyle: [Scoffs] Yeah, maybe.

    Kyle's Dad: Well, I pulled double-down at the hanger and I come home and I see that none of ya's has even picked up, uh, even a finger to help me out here but that's okay, I'm used to that. But unless your school takes monopoly money, your working for me this summer, boy. You uh, wanna lean about air planes? I'll teach ya about air planes. You can start with the engines.

  • Jake: [Jake drives up in his car] Beep Beep. You going home?

    [he lights a cigarette]

    Kyle: Dickhead friend ripped us off. Tell him to give us our booze back.

    Jake: Simon, give these children their alcoholic beverages back.

    Simon: Catch, boys.

    [Simon throws the beer over the car, it hits the gravel and shatters]

    Jake: I did my part. Listen, tell daddy I'm not gonna be home for dinner cause uh, he's on the rag. 'Kay?

    Kyle: Yeah well, I'm not going home either.

    Jake: Whatever. That's a good idea.

    [Jake puts his fist out for Kyle to fist-bump him, to which Kyle responds]

    Jake: Let's motor.

  • Kyle's Dad: Well, whats your problem?

    Kyle: Guess what? Congratulate me.

    Kyle's Dad: [scoffs] We've talked about that about twenty times didn't we?

    Kyle: Wrong. They didn't accept me. But you didn't know that, did you? You didn't even read it did you?

    Kyle's Dad: Kyle, I just didn't want you to be disappointed.

    Kyle: Oh, Jesus, thank you fucking so much, thank you!

    Kyle's Dad: Hey! You be careful, mister.

    Kyle: You were so sure right, Dad? I almost got in. They want me to take the test again. Guess that never happened to you, huh?

    Kyle's Dad: Kyle?


    Jake: Ya know, you're like a professional fucking asshole!

    [Kyle gets on his bike and takes off]

    Kyle's Dad: Kyle? Come back. Kyle?

    Jake: Just keep on going, Kyle!

    Kyle's Dad: While he does that you get roughed up a little bit is that okay?

    Jake: You big man? What you gonna shove me around? Huh, c'mon you think I fucking care?

    Kyle's Dad: Oh, what?

    Jake: [Jake tries to sound like Bruce Lee] C'mon! Lets go!

    [Jake tries to sound like Bruce Lee again]

  • Brad's Mom: Bobby, come and get your supper.

    Bobby: [to Kyle] See ya later.

    Kyle: Okay, see ya Bob.

  • Eric: No, he's a fucking cheese sandwich. I mean, he sucks about this, he suck's about that, he suck's about everything!. And now the bullets! He can't even protect himself!

    Kyle: He isn't a cop eh? Yeah, he told me.

    Eric: What?

    Kyle: Don't tell Brad.

    Eric: He told you?

    Eric: [muttering] Oh, we're in shit.

    Eric's Father: Eric, come over here please?

    Officer Cole: You too sir?

    Eric: Dead, we're dead, we're diffidently dead, we're dead, we're dead.

    Kyle: Okay, what are we gonna do?

    Eric: We're gonna say it was as stupid as hell right?

  • Brad: Kyle! Kyle, I am not going back there!

    Eric: Kyle! The fuck happened? Where's the fucking car?

    Brad: Shut up! Kyle, are you okay?

    Kyle: Yeah.

    Eric: We're getting a car! My mom's car! We'll get my mom's car!

    Brad: Shut up!

    Eric: We'll fucking get my mom's car!

    Brad: Kyle!

    Eric: [to Brad] He's gonna kill him, asshole!

    Brad: Yeah! He's gonna kill all of us, asshole! Do you understand?

    Kyle: Guys! I'm just trying to think okay?

    Eric: You weren't there! He fuckin' shot em!

    Kyle: [Yelling] Guys I'm trying to think, okay?

    Eric: What the fuck? What the fuck is happening?

    Brad: That's it! I'm calling 911. We're getting the cops in here and I'm...

    Eric: [Eric grabs Brad] You fucking think he wants to hear that? Huh? You think he wants to hear that? You don't care if his brother dies do you?

    Brad: I'm not the one who brought the bullets now did I? Fucking punk!

    [Eric and Brad fight on the ground]

    Brad: [to Eric] You are a very average, boring stupid guy! With a big mouth and I don't respect you and I never have!

    Eric: Fuck you, you asshole!

  • Kyle: [to Eric] Your old man has a gun?

    Brad: Eric...

    Eric: Yeah! He's got a box of em' in the closet!

    Brad: Okay, why does somebody ask for bullets? To shoot bullets. At what? People. What are we? Five?

    Eric: [Sarcastically] He's a cop, smart guy. I mean he's gotta have some sort of protection.

    Brad: [scoffs] So we have to get involved in it? Look, If anybody gets hurt now, it's because of us. Or you two, because I'm out of this.

    Kyle: Wait! We'll- we'll just tell him we couldn't get it.

    Eric: What? Alright fine, okay I- I don't even care anymore.

    Brad: Eric, I'm right this time.

  • Kyle: Simon, over here!

    Eric: Kyle, what's he-?

    Kyle: Simon, you got it right?

    [referring to the beer]

    Simon: Yes, thank you.

    Eric: Oh, big surprise. He's taking it from...

    Kyle: Oh, c'mon don't be an asshole, just give us our booze!

    Simon: [scoffs] What are you gonna do about it huh? You gonna fight me for it? Huh? You wanna come and get it, I'll give it to you huh? Come and get it!

    [Simon pushes Kyle]

    Simon: C'mon!

    [Talking to Brad]

    Simon: What about you? What are you gonna do about it?

    Brad: [Mutters to Kyle and Eric] Let's go.

  • Kyle: [while pointing the gun at Luke] Look who's in charge now! See how this works, you motherfucker?

    Eric: Guys!

    Kyle: Not so fucking tough anymore are ya!

    Eric: Kyle! Kyle! Kyle! C'mon! Kyle!

    Kyle: [to Luke] Look at me! This gun's what it's all about, you filthy fuck!

    Eric: [Softly] C'mon Kyle.

    Luke Cooper: So what? Use it.

    Eric: [to Kyle] Don't do it, man. Kyle!

    Luke Cooper: Use it.

    Eric: C'mon, Brad.

    Brad: Kyle, Don't do this, man. Kyle.

  • Luke Cooper: How at this point, am I gonna shoot anybody?

    Brad: No.

    Luke Cooper: No. We're just sitting around and talking. So why have a loaded and cocked gun? You push this and out pops the cylinder.

    Kyle: Then you use the ejector rod, right?

    Luke Cooper: Very good. You use the ejector rod. But the most important thing I wanna teach you boys, is that you never *ever* point a gun at *anyone* or yourself even if you think it's unloaded, you don't look don't the barrel when your cleaning it you just don't do it. But for me it's a little different.

    [Luke cocks the gun and points it to his head]

    Luke Cooper: I'll do it. Cause I *know* that there is no bullets in this gun. I just know it. What are they gonna do? Pop into the gun out of nowhere? Just by fuckin' magic? No. So I'm not scared. Cause it's bullshit.

    [Luke pulls the trigger, the gun doesn't go off, and Luke smiles]

    Luke Cooper: Cause it's an empty gun. Huh. that's an example of what not to do. I did it this once to prove a point.

  • Luke Cooper: [Luke is talking on Kyle's Dad's phone] I know where I am. What are you telling me? Kyle! Come out here for a second! What? That was along time ago! Oh, gimme a break! Wait a second.

    Luke Cooper: [to Kyle who is now outside] I'm thinking tonight. Can you help me?

    Kyle: Yeah, sure.

    Eric: [Inside the clubhouse] It had to look like a break in, Brad. I mean what was he supposed to do?

    Brad: Yeah, but your own dad's car?

    Eric: Oh, fuss...

    Kyle: So- whats your point?

    Brad: I don't know its just- it's weird. It's something Jake would do.

    Kyle: Jake didn't do it, I did it. He pissed me off. Fuck off, Brad. I don't care.

    Eric: Hey, hey, relax okay, guys? Alright?

    Luke Cooper: [Luke is outside talking on the phone distantly] I've had a radio all day, I haven't done it. Fuck you. Wait, it's the battery. Can you hear me? okay, fuck you. Now you hear me clear that time? Listen, now your cutting off, Betty? Betty, hello?

    [Luke starts banging the phone on a old tire wheel]

    Luke Cooper: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

    Brad: [to Kyle] He just trashed your dad's phone. Not kidding, about ten times.

    Luke Cooper: [Luke comes inside the clubhouse] Uh, sorry this things uh, busted. You boys stay out late tonight? Just get me to the road. Can't stay here.

    Kyle: No problem.

    Luke Cooper: Need a road map. Gotta swipe a car. This is it, boys.

  • Luke Cooper: What are you doing?

    Megan: What?

    Luke Cooper: Go ahead.

    Megan: Oh you mean ta- yeah. Yeah, right.

    Luke Cooper: We've outlined the rules. Very specifically. Women have to take off their tops. Right boys?

    Megan: That's uh, pretty funny.

    Eric: Go ahead.

    Brad: Why?

    Luke Cooper: Brad.

    Megan: Okay, Hold on, are you some kind of pervert or something?

    Kyle: Okay, Lets say we talk about something else, hey guys?

  • Kyle: So what do you think?

    Megan: What do I *think*? Um, do you really wanna know?

    [Brad laughs]

    Kyle: Just being a smart ass.

    Luke Cooper: Just being a smart ass. Yeah, well everybody's a smart ass every now and then. We won't hold it against ya Megan. Hey, guys, I mean to not cause any trouble but, since when do we let women in here?

    Eric: [Eric laughs] Good point!

    Megan: I don't know, those girls on the wall there, they seem welcome enough.

    Luke Cooper: They're different. Look what they're wearing.

    Eric: Yep! No women. Unless those women are wearing no tops.

    Megan: Eric, That's *so* mature.

    Eric: Actually, Megan that's the rules. Right, guys?

    Luke Cooper: Those are the rules.

    Megan: Well, If those are the rules, guess I better follow the rules eh?

    Eric: Now we're talking! Take it off!

    Megan: [Megan teases them by lifting her shirt then quickly putting it back down] Woah!

    Brad: I actually thought she was gonna do that.

    Megan: Yeah, you know what? That's because you're drunk. and whoa, whoa, so am I... just shouldn't have gotten up like that.

  • Megan: No, you know what Kyle? I think I'd better go, okay? I'm just gonna go.

    Kyle: Luke, c'mon she's my friend!

    Luke Cooper: [to Megan] Sit down. Look at me, Megan. Look at me. Do you see how I'm not laughing?

    Megan: Okay, um, what- what the hell's going on here?

    Luke Cooper: Well, what's going on is we're gonna have a little show and you're the entertainment. Take off you're uh, top. Follow the rules.

    Megan: Okay, um, are you guys just gonna sit there?

    Luke Cooper: Yeah, they're just gonna sit there. They're waiting. Megan!

    Kyle: C'mon, man!

    Luke Cooper: You're gonna learn to like this.

    [Megan slowly unbuttons her top]

    Luke Cooper: Have you seen this before, Kyle? Huh? Now's you're chance. C'mon! Take it off! Take off that last button!

    Kyle: C'mon, man!

    Luke Cooper: That's a good girl, Megan. Isn't she a good girl, boys?

    [Luke laughs and Megan runs out of the clubhouse]

    Kyle: What the hell are you, man? Big secret fucking hiding place here!

    [Kyle throws the news article about Luke]

    Kyle: It's a fucking nightmare!

    [Kyle goes out of the clubhouse to chase after Megan]

  • Kyle: [Jake is watching a music video on television and Kyle comes downstairs with an ashtray] Dad, home?

    Jake: [laughs] You smoking, you asshole?

    Kyle: Just started, quitting now.

    Jake: You'd better bury those ashes deeper or dad will find em.

    [Kyle goes to dump the ashtray into the garbage can but finds the pilot acceptance letter in the garbage, he opens the letter and reads it then he goes over and stands in front of the television]

    Jake: What? Move, fag.

    Kyle: What's this? It was in the garbage.

    Jake: Hey, is that your pilot school thing? Hey, don't look at me, I didn't do it.

  • Eric: Yeah but after, I mean the getting shot part. Oh here.

    [Eric lights Chris's cigarette]

    Luke Cooper: That I don't know. It happened so fast. I'm with this dealer guy, right? I'm shaking him upside-down, shaking the change out of his pockets. You see my friend, Bruce, ya know he's a Sargent, he's my boss. Well, he looks at me so I smile. Then he pulls his .38 out of his pocket. Ping! That's I guess the mechanics of it.

    Kyle: So, how'd you get away?

    Luke Cooper: Through the window. I fell out. Funny, isn't it? I start shooting back, missing everything, Bruce's coming out he's gonna do the same thing again. Then I see this cab on the curb just sitting there so I jump in.

    Eric: No way!

    Luke Cooper: I got a few days on him anyway. But this pain is real. I tell ya.

    Eric: Um, do you need painkillers?

    Luke Cooper: And booze. Can you guys get rid of a car?

    Kyle: Sorry.

    Luke Cooper: How old are you anyway?

    Kyle: I'm fourteen.

    Eric: So?

    Luke Cooper: It's just off the road, it's in a ditch. It's broken. It's just sitting there. Push it down a hill so nobody sees it.

    Kyle: Sure, I guess.

    Luke Cooper: Well, then do that. Don't make a mistake, this is scary. You guys might not want to come back and that's fine. But just tell me no one knows about this place.

    Eric: Just us.

    Luke Cooper: Okay, okay. I don't know if you've ever been in a real situation, but this is one of them. All I got right now is you guys. I need you to keep your mouth shut. You're fourteen, that's young. Have you learned to do that yet? Bunch of bored kids, huh?

  • Eric: I brought the bullets.

    Luke Cooper: You're a good man, Eric!

    [he takes a sip of whisky and he chuckles]

    Luke Cooper: Now here's to the wind at my back, It's gonna by hairy but, I'm sick of this hiding shit.

    [Megan is outside knocks at the door to the clubhouse]

    Megan: Kyle? Hello? Kyle?

    Eric: Aw, Kyle!

    Kyle: Megan!

    Luke Cooper: [to Kyle] Get the fuck up.

    Kyle: Hang on, I'll come out.

    [he gets up but Luke grabs Kyle's arm]

    Luke Cooper: Hold on, let her in. She's already here right?

  • Eric's Mother: Hi Eric! Back from the library?

    Eric: Hi, Mom.

    Kyle: [whispering to Eric] Catching up on some school, Eric?

    Eric: [whispering back] Yeah, well, what she doesn't know can't get us in a lot of shit!

    Eric's Mother: [to Eric] Study hard?

    Eric: Yeah! Chemistry is really fascinating, Mom.

    Eric's Mother: We're proud of you, honey.

    [Eric nervously laughs]

  • Kyle: [after splashing Luke with water] It just pisses me off, that's all.

    Luke Cooper: Why, do you respect the guy?

    Kyle: Who?

    Luke Cooper: The dick headed guy, Simon. Do you respect him? For stiffing ya?

    Eric: No.

    Luke Cooper: Then what do you care? That's what he wanted and that's what he didn't get. Forget all that. I got problems of my own. I miss my girlfriend. Right? Right, Brad?

    Brad: Yeah.

    Luke Cooper: Well, there I am, alone in the shack, middle of the night, missing my girlfriend, with all those naked girls you guys got pinned up all over the walls. So off I go, maybe it'll help me sleep, problem. Something must connect your dick to your thigh, does anybody else know about this?

    Eric: Brad!

    Luke Cooper: Well, it hurts my leg so bad, I gotta stop. Talking about my health, boys. Sorry.

    Eric: No, it's okay.

    Brad: Yeah, it's cool.

    Luke Cooper: Everybody does it, it's good for the country. Especially your age when girls are illegal. It's like they're fucking paid not to like it. You see them in the hallways with their new cosmetics. Where do you think they get the money?

  • Eric: [after pushing the car into a tree] Oh, man , oh look at it.

    Eric: Isn't too shitty.

    Kyle: Oh, man.

    [he gives Eric a high five]

    Eric: Why so hard?

  • Eric: Kyle, what are you thinking about, man?

    Kyle: What? I'm just listening.

    Eric: C'mon, c'mon, what are you thinking about?

    Brad: C'mon, Kyle.

    Eric: Yeah! There you go!

    Luke Cooper: A girl? She's cute. I got ESP. I see her face in the river. Did you tell her you're a pilot? Might help.

    Eric: Hey, we shouldn't stay out in the open should we? I mean cause...

    Luke Cooper: If I can't fix things, I'll be living in the open.

    Kyle: When you leave.

    Luke Cooper: When I leave, I got an empty gun. I'm the type of guy I like to have a solution to the problems when they come up. You understand what I mean? Hit me.

    [Eric pours water on Luke]

  • [person speaking German on "cliteris" website]

    Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!

    Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?

    Cartman: Oh, very funny!

    Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!

    Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!

    Cartman: SON OF A BI...


    Cartman: AHHH!

    Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.

    Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!

    Ike: Bullshit.

    Stan: What's she doing now?

    German: Essen meine scheisse.

    Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!

    KyleStanCartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!

    Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!

    [Kyle clicks it off]

    Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

  • Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

    Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

    Cartman: Jew?

    Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!

    Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

    Cartman: Why the fuck not?

    Mr. Garrison: Eric!

    Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

    Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

    Kenny: Fuck!

    Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

    Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

    Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?

    Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

    [the whole class gasps]

    Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?

    Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

    [Cartman picks up a megaphone]


    [Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]

    Stan: Holy shit, dude.

  • [Kenny has just died in the hospital]

    Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

    Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.

    Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.

    Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

  • Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.

    Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.

    Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...

    Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.

    Cartman: Well...

    Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.

    Cartman: Well...

    Kyle: I'm warning you!

    Cartman: Okay, okay.

    Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...


    Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.

    Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

    Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.

    [sings the song in four different languages]

    Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

    [Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]

    Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!

    Stan: Uh, Cartman?

    Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!

    [the children stare at Cartman]

    Cartman: What?

    [Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]

    Cartman: Oh... Fuck!

  • Cartman: Hey dudes!

    Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?

    Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words

    Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?

    Cartman: No!

    Kyle: And you can't say Shit?

    Cartman: No!

    Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?

    Cartman: FUCK YOU!

    [gets shocked by the V-chip]

    Cartman: AHHH!

    Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

  • Kyle: Come on, Ike! Kick the baby!

    Ike: Don't kick the baby.

    Kyle: Kick the baby.

    [runs and kicks Ike through a window]

  • [singing]

    Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

    Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!

    Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!

    StanKyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

    Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.

    Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.

    Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

    StanKyleCartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!


    StanKyleCartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!

    Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!

    StanKyleCartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

  • [the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]

    Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!

    Ticket Taker: Hey!

    Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.

    Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!

    Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.

    Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.

    Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.

    Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.

    [he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]

    Stan: Holy shit, dude!

    Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!

    [begins beating Kenny with a stick]

    Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

    Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!

    [he steps back and the stick lights up]

    Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!

    [an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]

    Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!

    [the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]

    Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

    Kyle: You bastard!

    Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

  • Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?

    Stan: Who are you?

    Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.

    Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!

    Stan: Get the fuck out of here!

    Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.

  • Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.

    Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

    Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

  • Stan: Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.

    Kyle: Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

  • Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?

    Kyle: Nowhere.

    Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

    Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

  • The Mole: Hold me.


    The Mole: There is no hope now, you must get out of here.

    Kyle: We can't leave without you!

    The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.

    Kyle: No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!

    The Mole: Were is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?


    The Mole: Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.

    The Mole: [singing] Now the light, she fades... and darkness settles in... but I will find strength...

    Kyle: No, Mole, hang on...

    The Mole: [singing] I will find pride within...

    Kyle: We'll get you home...

    The Mole: [singing] Because although I die...

    Kyle: I can't face my mother...

    The Mole: [singing] Our freedom will be won...

    Kyle: Not alone!

    The Mole: [singing] Though I die... La Resistance lives... on... BLECHHHHH!


    The Mole: [dramatic music starts]

    Kyle: [cutting the orchestra off suddenly] SHIT!

  • Eric Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

    Kyle: Your "behind"?

    Eric Cartman: I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass".

    [VChip activates]

    Eric Cartman: AGH!

  • Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.

    CartmanKyleStan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

    Mrs. CartmanSheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.

    Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.

    everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...

    CartmanKyleStan: Kick-ass!

    everyone: Mountain... town!

  • Kyle: WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!

    Soldier: Hey, you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe's dying over there!

  • Cartman: It was the Terrence & Phillip movie.

    Kyle: Dude!

    Cartman: What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here.

  • Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.

    The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?

    Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

  • CartmanKyleStan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

  • [Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]

    Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

    Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!

    Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

  • Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?

    Kyle: The what?

    Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

  • Kyle: You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

  • Gregory: I'm here for "la resistance."

    Kyle: What's the password?

    Gregory: I don't know.

    Kyle: Guess.

    Gregory: Uhhh... bacon.

    Kyle: ...okay.

  • Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

    The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

    Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

    Stan: Why are you grounded?

    The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.

  • Eric Cartman: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.

    Kyle: [typing] Punch and pie.

  • Kyle: You don't think they're really going to kill Terrence and Phillip, do you?

    Cartman: Kyle you need to stop being such a chicken shit and stand up to your mother!, you need to smack her in the face and say that's enough of your shit you fucking bitch!

  • Cartman: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.

    Kyle: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about? You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!

    Cartman: Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.

  • Cartman: You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.

    Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

    Cartman: No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.

    Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!

    Cartman: Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!

    Chef: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?

    Cartman: It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

  • Sheila Broflovski: Nooo!

    [shoots Terrence and Phillip with a gun]

    Kyle: Holy shit, dude!

    Sheila Broflovski: Young man, you watch your mouth.

    [blood oozes out of Phillip's body]

  • Kyle: Ok. Let's try this one more time. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

    Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the baby.

    Kyle: Kick the baby!

    [Kicks Ike through a window, causing it to shatter]

    Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke ANOTHER window! That's a bad baby! Baaaaaad baby!

    Stan Marsh: Kyle, we're going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie!

    Kyle: Oh my god, dude!

    Sheila Broflovski: Kyle! Where are you going?

    Kyle: Uuh, we're going ice-skating.

    Sheila Broflovski: Well take your little brother with you.

    [Ike bounces up to Kyle]

    Kyle: Aww, come on, ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!

    Sheila Broflovski: DO AS I SAY, KYLE!

    Kyle: Ok, ok, I'm sorry!

  • Kyle: Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.

    [Dan throw's sandwhich at the bus driver]

    Bus Driver: HEY!

    Veronica Vaughn: Hey who threw that?

    Bus Driver: I'll turn this damn bus around! That'll end your precious field trip pretty damn quick huh! Little shit!

    [quivers lips up and down while face gets red]

  • Rachael: Why am I the bad guy?

    Kyle: Because you're his girlfriend, you cheated on him, and he has fucking cancer, you lunatic!

  • Kyle: You could have totally fucked the shit out of that girl.

    Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort.

  • Kyle: She doesn't blow you?

    Adam: ...She doesn't like to.

    Kyle: Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.

  • Adam: Why didn't we go to a barber?

    Kyle: That would have been a good idea if we paid someone to do it.

    Adam: Using your fucking balls trimmer instead of going to the barber.

    Kyle: I never washed them, ever. It's not my balls, it's my asshole. I'm joking.

    Adam: You're not joking.

  • Kyle: I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I ran into Rachael.

    Adam: Oh, yeah?

    Kyle: And I would like to present to you what I am going to call Exhibit...

    [Shows Adam a picture of Rachael kissing another man]

    Kyle: *Whore*! Look at it! That's Rachael! And that's a fuckin' filthy, Jesus-looking motherfucker, and they're kissing! I did it! I fuckin' nailed you! I've hated you for months, and now I have fuckin' evidence that you suck as a person! Holy shit! Holy shit!

  • Kyle: You smell like you fucked the cast of The View.

  • Kyle: Oh no. No, you're are not calling her man! After what she did to you? You're a pussy Adam!

    Adam: You're a selfish piece of shit! Care more about getting yourself fucking laid than being my friend!

  • Kyle: [to Adam] You'll be fine. 50/50! If you were a casino game you'd have the best odds!

  • Kyle: [to Adam, the night before Adam's surgery] Driving! That's what you want to do? That's your "Make A Wish"? To drive? We could be having sex with hookers while skydiving, and instead you want to do something I learned to do when I was fifteen!

  • Kyle: Are you in a crack house?

    Meghan: Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you!

  • Mo Moxon: Kyle, did you start a cult?

    Kyle: Yup.

    Mo Moxon: That is so sweet!

  • Mox: I'm a good boy. I've always been good. What's my upside to being good?

    [looks at at box of condoms]

    Mox: I mean I'm 18 years old, it's not like I'm married to her. She invited me over. I'm just being polite, right Kyle?


    Mox: Kyle?

    Kyle: I only answer to one name. I am the Great and Honorable Al-Ali Akbar Shabaz Da.

    Mox: That's a bunch of names.

    Kyle: But there is only one god. All praise be to Allah.

    Mox: Yeah. Well, would Allah nail Darcy if he had the chance? I think so.

  • Maddy: What?

    Kyle: Look at us. The cop and marine biologist.

    Barry: I'm sorry. That sounds like a shitty sitcom. The Cop and The Marine Biologist.

  • Kyle: We're just friends but I just want you to know, if I were him I'd never let you go.

  • Kyle: I don't fucking know how to pray.

  • Mike: Dad used to bring home these sparklers for me and Adam, you know? (laughs) Sparklers! We'd go out back, the three of us - and we'd hold it up to the sky and watch the explosions of light and the sparks, you know, and Dad would be all "Wait for it! Here it comes! Watch for it! Here comes the wahoo!"

    Kyle: Wahoo?

    Mike: Wahoo. The sparkler would burn hot, then hotter, then even hotter, and then there'd be this one moment of pure burn when that little fucker would cook perfect, just perfect. It would only last a second, but that second was *it*. And *that's* what Dad had us looking for, man.

    Kyle: The wahoo moment?

    Mike: That's exactly right. Man - burning at his absolute. All the forces coming together - burning - just perfect, perfect harmony. That's what I'm driving at. Are you with me?

    Kyle: I think so.

    Mike: I have been looking for that flash. I've been looking and I've been looking, and I can't find it. What if it already happened, you know? My moment! What if it already happened and I didn't see it?

  • Laura: You left a dead prostitute alone in the desert?

    Kyle: She's not alone...

  • Mike: Look at 'em. I'm amazed the windows don't blow out of their fucking sockets with all the ass-puckering rage in these soulless lizards.

    Kyle: I just want her to be happy.

    Mike: The same alarm clock every morning, same two pops on the same snooze button, same shower, towel, toothbrush, razor, blazer, hair pump, gel spray. It's a fucking epidemic, Fisher. You're getting married, baby. I'm not going to candy-coat it - it just gets worse. It's an eighteen-wheel cement truck that's going to crush every bone in your big body.

  • Laura: Are you calling me from jail?

    Kyle: Not yet...

  • [Michael has accidentally killed Tina the prostitute]

    Kyle: You fucking guys. You fucking guys. You fucking guys! YOU FUCKING GUYS!

  • [while arguing about covering up Tina's murder]

    Kyle: I'm getting married, guys! I'm getting married!

    Adam Berkow: I have got a wife and I've got two boys, OK? Don't tell me!

  • Tom: So basically, you're asking me if I would rather be married to Sarah or have 51 one night stands.

    Kyle: Minimum.

    Tom: I don't even have to think about it.

    Kyle: Ok, is there a girl you wished you'd hooked up with, but didn't?

    Tom: You are like the worst best man ever!

  • Kyle: Rich daddy equals expectations. Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.

    Tom: Our marriage is not going to have a 'fungal rot'.

    Kyle: Unless she finds out you slaughtered her dog!

    [laughs, then stops, seeing Tom's expression]

    Kyle: Oh, don't worry, I'll take that to my grave.

  • Kyle: That is one strong gate.

  • Kyle: We are not leaving until Sarah herself confirms that she is shit-canning Tom!

    [looks at Tom]

    Kyle: Or not.

  • Kyle: I hope she doesn't spook on you, man.

    Tom: What are you talking about?

    Kyle: Oh, I love Sarah, don't get me wrong, but... rich chicks spook.

  • Kyle: Open the gates. Jack-in-the-box!

    Yuan: Me not jack in box. You jack in box.

  • Kyle: [about stealing the answers to the SAT] It's a victimless crime.

    Anna: Okay, hypothetical situation: You're driving, it's late, you get to a red light in the middle of nowhere. Do you run the light?


    Anna: You see? You don't. You wait. Because a victimless crime is still a crime. It isn't worth it.

    Kyle: Maybe it is. Maybe I run it. It depends.

    Anna: On what?

    Kyle: Am I trying to get somewhere important?

  • Larry: [Kyle's older brother who lives above his parents garage] Hey Kyle, word of advice...

    Kyle: Why not?

    Larry: Never take advice from someone who lives above a garage.

  • Kyle: Do you even know what SAT stands for?

    Matty: Suck Ass Test?

    Kyle: Scholastic Aptitude Test. Then they got rid of that altogether. You know what it stands for now?

    Matty: Humph.

    Kyle: SAT.

    Matty: What?

    Kyle: SAT stands for SAT. That's it.

    Matty: That's fucked up!

  • Matty: This is never gonna work.

    Kyle: It'll be okay.

    Matty: [scoffs] Yeah, we're going to be great. I mean, all-state's phone is ringing off the hook here, and...

    [looks behind him at Roy]

    Matty: Roy's trying to smoke Larry's comforter.

  • Kyle: Whoa, hey, Ellie.

    Kyle: Hey, '70s retro week is booking up. Do we want Keith Partridge or Marcia Brady?

    Ellie: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

  • Kyle: I drink, you drive, ready to go?

    Ellie: Kyle, can you cover for me at the opening?

    Kyle: What? And miss Jake's big opening?

    Ellie: I can't make it.

  • Kyle: Okay, all psychics back in their seats please.

    Zela: [to Ellie] The beast is human, too. Don't forget that. And it's closer to you than you think.

    Kyle: Maybe you can just follow me...

    [dragging her away]

    Kyle: Shouldn't you psychically know when you're annoying someone?

  • Lance Clayton: What's Andrew doing here?

    Kyle: What? Andrew? Don't bother Andrew, alright? He has asthma.

  • Kyle: Bruce Hornsby's a fag.

    Lance Clayton: He's got kids, Kyle.

    Kyle: You have a kid. And you're a fag.

  • Claire: So, do you play sports?

    Kyle: No, I'm a big spaz like my dad.

    Lance Clayton: Well, I was in the dive team in college.

    Kyle: Diving's not really a sport; it's falling.

  • Lance Clayton: Come on now, Kyle, you must be passionate about something.

    Kyle: You wanna know what I like? I like looking at vaginas.

    Lance Clayton: Oh.

    Kyle: All day long.

  • Kyle: Goodnight, whore.

  • Andrew: I think they're doing it.

    Kyle: What? You think that they're fucking? Andrew, Andrew, you have to understand that fucking pussy's virgin shit, alright?

  • Kyle: You can have the pussy, just save me the hole.

  • Sgt. Moses Hightower: Yamma, yamma, yamma, yamma, yahhhhma. Fools! They think they can kill the brother of Medula!

    Cadet Tommy 'House' Conklin: I never thought that.

    Sgt. Moses Hightower: Oh, if I could reach into the belly of a yak and rip out its heart...

    Kyle: That would bring him back to life?

    Sgt. Moses Hightower: No, man. I'm hungry!

  • Mike Flaherty: [to the wrestling team] Now, did you all see what Kyle did the other day? He exploded up, right? Kyle, show the guys what you did.

    Kyle: It's kind of my own thing.

    Mike Flaherty: Well, can you share it with us?

    Kyle: But it's not even a move or anything.

    Mike Flaherty: It's okay.

    Kyle: All right. Well, I just tell myself that the guy on top's tryin' to take my head and shove it under water and kill me, and if I don't wanna die on bottom, I have to do whatever the fuck it takes to get out.

    Stephen Vigman: [breaking a stunned silence] Okay. So the move is "Whatever the fuck it takes." Let's go. Let's work on it.

    Terry Delfino: [chiming in forcefully as if knowledgeable] WHATEVER THE FUCK IT TAKES! LET'S GO, GENTLEMEN. UP!

  • Jackie Flaherty: Does she even know you're here?

    Kyle: My mom? She doesn't care about me.

    Jackie Flaherty: How do you know? She's probably worried sick and doesn't know how to reach you.

    Kyle: [holding up his cell phone] She could've called, right?

  • Kyle: If he's Darth Vador, you're the Secret Apprentice.

  • Leo Poplar: Don't take any shit from any of those guys.

    Kyle: I won't.

  • [to his genitals]

    Kyle: I'm going to hurt you tonight!

  • Kyle: I fuck and fuck and can't get relief.

  • Kyle: I love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning.

  • Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.

    Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?

    Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.

    Steve: Like my mom?

    Kyle: Yeah, exactly.

  • Kyle: [after surgery to remove his testicle] Mike, I want my ball.

    Michael: Kyle, I understand that but look on the bright side, you still have one healthy one.

    Kyle: You don't understand, I want it! I want to take it home with me. The nurses said I can't do that.

    Michael: It's not a tooth, Kyle.

    Kyle: It belongs to me! I miss it. Please get my nut.

  • Kyle: Cherry, come here! Come here, Cherry. Hey, sit down. This is MichaeI. And she's a student.

    Cherry: Right now I'm concentrating on my actressing.

  • Kyle: This is fantastic, you're like a big bad dominatrix and everything. I can't wait to get to this. Come on show me what you've got.

    Jill: I don't know. I think something's missing.

  • [Michael see's Kyle for the first time after thinking he murdered him in the game]

    Kyle: Yo, dick flick! I have been... I have been ringing your doorbell, I have been calling you for an hour! There is a party next door!

    Michael: Kyle!

    Kyle: No, it's Axl Rose!

  • [Michael gives Kyle a close hug]

    Kyle: [Kyle checks down on his necklace] Calm down, man! You're gonna kill yourself on my lucky charms, man. They're magically delicious. Hahaha!

  • [Kyle hits on Stacie at the house party]

    Kyle: That outfit's totally bitchin'.

    Stacie: You think so?

    Kyle: [Kyle chuckles] I know so. You look just like that girl in that video by what's-his-name. Only better.

  • [Kyle calls to talk to Michael]

    Michael: [Michael answers his phone through his computer] Talk to me.

    Igor: [Michael's computer Igor replies] Kyle is calling, Master.

    Kyle: [Michael's best friend begins talking] Hello. I know you're there, dude!

  • [Michael talks to Kyle on the phone about the ad for the new game Brainscan]

    Kyle: Hey, sausage dick. Man, listen up! 'Brainscan. The ultimate experience in interactive terror. Brainscan is not for the squeamish!'

    Michael: Well, Kyle, what's the problem, man?

    Kyle: This one will scare the hell out of ya. Here, here, here! It's hot new stuff. Brainscan! Um, here it is. Here it is. 'Choose from Chain Saw Dismemberment, Nightmare Eight... Da, da. Da, da... Satisfy your sickest fantasies.' Far out, man!

    Michael: It's just an ad, birdbrain. It's just hype. Remember 'Gore Beasts'? Trash.

    Kyle: Dude, it's interactive CD-ROM. Here. You gotta look at the ad at least. It's in Fangoria. You know, the one with the popping eyeballs on the cover. All right, where is it. Here. Here. Um. 'We dare you to participate in the most frightening experience available on this planet. State of the art. Run amuck. Unleash the dark side of your soul. Enter a game that feels more real than reality.'

    Kyle: [Kyle laughs as Michael starts to watch his neighbor Kimberly from his upstairs window] It's interactive, dude! You're in the game, man. You're in control. Say no more, man. I can't even believe that I'm sitting here telling you about this game. Don't you subscribe to Fangoria? It's in the one with the bulging eyeballs...

    Kyle: [Kyle yells for Michael after a minute goes by] Dude? Hello? Michael. Hello! How's Kimberly lookin' tonight?

    Michael: What do you mean?

    Kyle: [Kyle laughs] You watchin' her again? Can you see her tits, man? Talk to me, man.

  • [Kyle asks Michael their best friends bro line]

    Kyle: Buddies, forever?

    Michael: Buddies, forever.

  • [Michael and Kyle watch a horror movie with the rest of their Horror Club class]

    Michael: This is really disappointing, Kyle.

    Kyle: Dude, man, it's not that bad. When does he eat her gallbladder?

  • [Kyle visits Michael at his home]

    Kyle: Hey, did ya hear about the murder?

    Michael: Yeah, I did.

    Kyle: Yeah, that's pretty cool ya know havin' a murder in our neighborhood and everything.

    Michael: Kyle, a guy just died, and you think that's cool?

    Kyle: No, I don't mean cool, but it's interesting.

  • Caleb Peterson: What if he tries to grab me?

    Kyle: We're not pirates. We just dress like them... and chase bootie. He'll be just as nervous as you, so try not to punch him if he makes a move on you or anything...

    Caleb Peterson: You know, I don't think I'd punch him. I think I'd probably just start crying or something.

  • Caleb: Are you looking for Mr. Right Now?

    Kyle: Please. I'll settle for Mr. Five Minutes Ago.

  • Caleb Peterson: Do I look gay?

    Kyle: Hmm... Like an insatiable bottom.

  • Caleb Peterson: Man, now I really wanna be a fag.

    Kyle: You and Ricky Martin both.

  • Gwen Anderson: [to Caleb's parents] You know, you guys seem really nice.

    Marc: Oh, my God. Gwen, don't.

    Gwen Anderson: Caleb, honey, I'm gonna do you a really big favor.

    Kyle: Oh, shit.

    Gwen Anderson: You'll hate me now but you'll love me later.

    Marc: Gwen, please.

    Kyle: Shit.

    Gwen Anderson: Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, your son is gay.

    Jamie Peterson: [punching Caleb's arm] Fag, you're it!

    Tiffani: I turned him gay, but I can turn him back.

    Jamie Peterson: No fag-backs.

  • Kyle: You stole my boyfriend!

    Caleb Peterson: He's not your boyfriend.

    Kyle: Oh, so now you're gay?

    Caleb Peterson: This was your idea.

    Kyle: You knew how I felt about him!

    Caleb Peterson: We're not doing anything.

    Kyle: You're going on a date!

    Caleb Peterson: That was HIS idea!

    Kyle: I've been stalking him for years; you decided to be gay for one night.

    Caleb Peterson: I'm not gay! Why don't you just tell him you like him?

    Kyle: That would be as futile as drug testing at the Gay Games.

  • Kyle: Guys around here are like day-old donuts. I mean, I eat 'em because they're there, but you don't wanna invest anything in them.

  • [Tiffani stands in the doorway]

    Tiffani: I hear you have phone trouble, Miss Thing.

    Kyle: That's Mister Miss Thing to you.

    Caleb Peterson: Tiffani?

    Tiffani: You little hose huffer!

    Frank Peterson: Why don't you come join us?

    Tiffani: Gomez, Morticia, and little Wednesday.

  • Kyle: It's for you - Blow-me-o.

  • Caleb: What the hell are you making?

    Kyle: Sausages. Big. Fat. Sausages.

    Caleb: Dude, people don't eat sausages. You're supposed to make like spaghetti or some shit.

    Kyle: Fine. You wanna cook?

  • Caleb Peterson: This isn't a kegger, bro. This is, like, serious. Who'd you invite?

    Kyle: Like they said to Anne Frank, why don't you answer the door and find out?

  • Kyle: Being gay is more than... listening to good music and eating low-fat foods. There are certain things you have to do to convince the general public.

    Caleb Peterson: Oh. We could stage a bashing.

  • Kyle: Okay, so I know I might just be a rebound or a really shitty consolation prize, or you're just really looking for an ego boost, but, whatever it is, I'll take it.

  • [while sketching Troy in class]

    Tiffani: [drooling] I wanna hit that harder than Ike hit Tina.

    Kyle: [ditto] I wanna be wrapped in his arms forever and ever.

    Gwen Anderson: I wanna see him get it on with his boyfriend.

    Kyle: You think he's gay?

    Gwen Anderson: Does Whitney want crack?

  • Troy: Would you do me the biggest favor?

    Kyle: Oh, of course I'd do you.

  • [Troy drops his robe, ready to model nude for art class]

    Troy: [to Mr. Thompson] So, uh, w-where do you want me?

    Tiffani: [almost to herself] On my face!

    Neil: [to Troy, nervously] D-Right here on my desk and, uh, we'll get you in, um, several different positions.

    Kyle: [almost to himself] Missionary, reverse-cowgirl, sixty-nine...

  • Kyle: I ate pussy for nothing?

  • [Helen, coming upon her son Kyle kissing Tiffani in public, thinks her son's gone straight while Marc and Troy watch]

    Helen: [joyfully, after smothering her son with kisses] You don't understand. I used to catch this boy masturbating with every vegetable in the frig, and now THIS!

    Helen: [to Kyle] Have you told that awful ex-boyfriend of yours yet?

    Kyle: [looking over to "awful ex-boyfriend" Marc] Mom, I-I have a feeling that he already knows.

    Marc: I have a feeling this is the funniest thing he's ever seen.

    Kyle: Well, I have a feeling that the childish things that he's doing are acts of jealousy; and, in some small way, it's kind of nice to know that he cares for a change.

    Helen: Who gives a shit about him? I'm gonna be a grandma!

  • Kyle: Hey, I'm a catch.

    Gwen Anderson: Says who, your mom?

  • Violet Müfdaver: [hearing Kyle's description of Tiffani] Is Tiffany a rhinoceros?

    Kyle: Size doesn't matter.

  • Kyle: This is war! Marc is gonna rue the day he ever messed with me!

    Tiffani: Wow, you almost seem like a top!

  • Kyle: [as everyone is making out and Mr. McCreedy hangs up the phone] Uh... excuse me sir, can I use your phone?

  • [repeated line]

    Kyle: #11 in ou program... #1 in your hearts.

  • Kyle: Why didn'y you love us?

    Kyle: I did. I just loved myself better.

  • Kyle: I'd kill a man to be twenty-five again.

  • Dr. Higgs: [upon discovering Cassie's growth] I think my aorta just crapped its pants.

    Kyle: You grew again?

    Cassie Stratford: [admiring her feet in the pool] My little piggies look like fat hogs! The ReNew compound must have altered my hypothesis.

    Dr. Higgs: Yes, resulting in extreme gigantism.

    [stepping forward to see more of her]

    Dr. Higgs: It's truly amazing.

    Cassie Stratford: [annoyed] Be amazed from over there, Dr. Feelgood.

  • Kyle: What's the matter, sunshine? Step in some shit?

    David Walsh: You're an asshole, Kyle.

    Kyle: Ya think?

    David Walsh: How do you sleep at night?

    Kyle: Usually naked. On one of the newer, younger employees.

    David Walsh: Oh. That explains the smile on Bob's face. Go easy on him, he's just a janitor.

  • Kyle: Isn't your generation the one that believes love is all you need?

    Aunt Carla: No! That's the generation before mine. Mine needs money!

  • Michael: Hey, I thought of one I know you guys definitely haven't heard of.

    KyleJosh: What?

    Michael: And I happen to know it's true.

    Kyle: No wait a minute, this isn't that dumb story about the time you and your friends found that pirate ship in an old cave?

    Michael: No, it's better than that.

  • Josh: I brought some video game cartridges.

    Kyle: What're we supposed to do with video game cartridges?

    Josh: Play video games.

    Kyle: On what?

    Josh: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

  • Kyle: And do you know what we do with shit around here, Nick?

    Nick: From your breath, I'd say you eat it.

  • Kyle: Tonight's the night, Nick.

    Nick: Gee, that sounds really romantic, Kyle, but right now I can't.

  • [Kyle just told Glory that he's a professional killer]

    Glory Hamilton: Is there anything you like about yourself?

    Kyle: Yeah. I never miss.

  • Kyle: I'll earn this...

  • Kyle: I just was scared that you didn't love me. And I didn't think you could because of how ugly I am. I should've known better. That's not who you are. You took one look at me and still said you'd seen worse. And somehow, when I'm around you, I don't feel ugly at all.

  • Kyle: Pretty gruesome, huh?

    Lindy: I've seen worse.

  • Will: Chicks dig blind guys.

    Kyle: Too bad they don't dig ugly guys.

    Will: How do you know?

  • Kyle: [to his blind tutor that's throwing darts accurately] How do you do that?

    Will: I went to this dance and an emo chick gave me a dart hex.

    Kyle: Bite me.

  • Kyle: My Dad always said how much people like you is directionally proportional to what you look like.

  • Kyle: Can you imagine that love?

  • Lindy: I'm worthy of you.

    Kyle: What?

    Lindy: I - It's what white roses mean.

  • Kyle: [about Lindy] I want to see this girls again.

  • Kyle: [seeing the negative internet message board from his classmates] They hated me.

  • Kendra: I only came to give you a second chance.

    Kyle: I guess I blew it.

  • [reading on Glory's behalf]

    Kyle: "My name is Glory Dodge and I'm not fucking dead yet. I stand with Josey."

  • Bill White: [looking at the copious amount of stuffed deer and elk head mounted on the walls of the bar] What is this? A pet cemetery?

    Kyle: You got a lot of pet elk in your house?

  • Sammy Aimes: That's crap. I got a right.

    Kyle: Yeah, you got a lot of rights, starting with the right to be pissed off. If fact, you got a right to hate the whole world right now.

    Sammy Aimes: I don't hate the whole world. I just hate her.

    Kyle: It takes a lot of work to hate someone. You ready to put in that kind of time?

  • [to Dahlia]

    Kyle: [shouts] You're insane!

  • Fiona: Are you in the airline business?

    Kyle: What?

    Fiona: You seem to know our aircraft design...

    Kyle: Yeah, I'm an engineer... I work for EliginAir.

    Fiona: Based in Berlin?

    Kyle: Look, I know you're here just to keep me calm, but the problem is not that I'm anxious, the problem is that my daughter is missing and no one can tell me where the hell she is!


    Kyle: I'm sorry... so you have any kids?

    Fiona: Do nieces count?

    Kyle: [with a forced laugh] Yeah, almost.

  • Carson: What are you going to do? Blow us both up?

    Kyle: No. Just you.

  • Julia: What kind of food do they have?

    Kyle: On the airplane?

    Julia: In America. Grandma and Grandpa.

    Kyle: The best!

    Julia: Do they have toast?

    Kyle: [chuckles] Of course.

  • [repeated line]

    Kyle: Where's Julia?

  • Kyle: [to Carson] Where is she? WHERE DID YOU PUT HER?

  • Kyle: Have you seen my daughter?

  • [last lines]

    Julia: Are we there yet?

    Kyle: Not yet. Almost. Here. Hop on up.

  • Kyle: There's nine closets on this plane. Right? There's four up and there's five down. And nobody's checked any of them. There's seven galleys, there's the crew quarters, there's the holds. And kids can find places like that!

  • [first lines]

    Mortuary Director: [in German, subtitled] Would you like a moment of privacy before the casket is sealed?

    Kyle: [hesitantly] Okay.

  • Kyle: You don't wanna see me jack off or play with these toys or anything? You really just wanna... you just wanna chat?

  • Nina Dunham: I'm a reporter, I was wondering if I could interview you.

    Kyle: I don't know.

  • Melissa: Tell your daddy to behave.

    Kyle: He don't listen!

  • Kyle: I never thought I'd see the day when the sight of a good ass would make me feel sick.

  • Kyle: Fuck sake... Everywhere I look I see horses.

  • Kyle: I see you, bitch!

  • Matt: This thing's gonna kill us, isn't it?

    Kyle: Probably.

    Matt: All this over a fuckin' tooth.

  • Nurse: What is wrong with you people! What's he doing here? I'm calling the police.

    Kyle: Police are dead.

    Caitlin: All of them?

    Kyle: Pretty much.

  • Matt: You're crazy, Walsh.

    Kyle: Crazy isn't what it used to be.

  • Michael: She won't come in the light.

    Kyle: Who?

    Michael: You know who!

  • Dr. Travis: Are you crazy?

    Kyle: Yeah, a little bit.

  • Officer Batten: Is she gonna get me?

    Kyle: Yes.

  • Kyle: We stay in the light, we stay alive.

  • Caitlin: I can't believe you came.

    Kyle: That makes two of us.

  • Kyle: When this hospital goes dark, we're all dead.

  • Daniel: [holding a notebook and a picture] Guys, guys, look at this. This is the guy that attacked Claire on the balcony. It says they were violent, mentally, physically deformed, and, uh, showed signs of cannibalism.

    Bridget: How did they survive out here?

    Kyle: They're hunters, and now they're hunting us! They'll eat anything; fuck, they probably turned Porter into a porterhouse by now!

  • Kyle: They're eating him alive like some fucked up fondue!

  • Chucky: Surprise! Did you miss me, Andy? I sure missed you. I told you. We were gonna be friends to the end. And now, it's time to play... I've got a new game, sport: It's called "Hide the Soul". And guess what? You're it! Ade due damballa. Give me the power, I beg...

    [notices Kyle sneaking through the window]

    Chucky: . This isn't over you little shit. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life as a plastic freak. Next time: you're alone, you're mine!

    Kyle: [annoyed] Oh, my God.

    Andy Barclay: [Kyle removes sock from Andy's mouth] IT'S CHUCKY! LOOK OUT!

    Kyle: Shut up, you'll wake Phil and Joanne.

    Andy Barclay: Kill him, Kill him.

    Kyle: Andy, stop it! Will you?


    Andy Barclay: It's Chucky! I told you he'd find me. Tried to take over my soul.

    Joanne: Andy, calm down.

    Kyle: You didn't have to wait up.

    Phil: Yeah? You know, Kyle, I don't believe you. You actually tied this... child up so he wouldn't tell on ya? Is that it?

    Kyle: Oh, come on, Phil!

    Andy Barclay: Chucky did it!

    Joanne: That's enough, now.

    Phil: Who's Chucky? Well, I've had it!

    [grabs Chucky and walks out of the room]

    Andy Barclay: [follows Phil] But you gotta kill him!

    Joanne: Andy!

  • Kyle: [Andy unknowingly walks into Kyle's bedroom] Jesus! You ever hear of knocking?

    Joanne: Andy, did you find your - what? Are you crazy? Give that to me.

    [confiscates Kyle's cigarette]

    Kyle: Come on, Joanne.

    Joanne: Phil will shoot you if he catches you again. Andy, this is Kyle. She's staying with us too.

    Kyle: Charmed.

    Joanne: Kyle, what is this? You've been here three weeks. Why haven't you unpacked?

    Kyle: What for? I've never spent more than a month in any home.

    Joanne: Well, with that attitude I can see why. Now, would you do me a favor and unpack this, then help me get dinner started?

    Kyle: Can't. Gotta work tonight.

    Joanne: Kyle, that's the third night in a row. I'd really like it if you spent a little time with the family.

    Kyle: I need the money. I'm gonna be on my own next year.

    Joanne: Yes, well until then you're with us okay? Come on, Andy. I think you're really going to like it here.

    Andy Barclay: Bye.

  • Grace Poole: Come on, Andy. We've got to get out of the building.

    [walks down stairwell with Andy before noticing Kyle]

    Grace Poole: Kyle? You did this didn't you?

    [points to fire alarm]

    Kyle: [nervously] He did it.

    [gestures to Chucky]

    Grace Poole: [firmly] Get into my office. Is this your idea of a joke?

    [everyone stares at Chucky]

    Grace Poole: Oh, give me that!

    Chucky: [smiles] Amazing isn't it?

    [stabs Grace three times]

    Grace Poole: Aah! Aah! Aoah! Aaaaaooohhh!

    [drops Chucky and falls into copier machine]

    Kyle: Come on!

    [grabs Andy and races out of office]

    Chucky: [slams door behind Kyle and corners Andy] Okay, sport. We're gonna have a little game of Chucky Says. Chucky says move your ass. Snap out of it! Ya act like ya never seen a dead body before!

  • Phil: [throws broken pieces of antique onto table] Do any of you have anything to say about this?

    Kyle: I think we should talk to a lawyer first.

    Joanne: Kyle that's not funny. That statue was very important to me.

    Phil: Kyle?

    Kyle: I'm innocent.

    Phil: Andy?

    Andy Barclay: I didn't do it.

    Phil: Okay, you leave me no choice. Until one of you fesses up you're both grounded.

    Kyle: But I have a date tonight!

    Phil: Sorry.

  • Policeman in Car: Okay honey let's see your license.

    [Kyle hands license to Policeman]

    Policeman in Car: You've been clockin' 60 to 45. What's the hurry?

    Kyle: I have a date.

    Policeman in Car: You're gonna have to do better than that. Hey it's one of those Good Guys isn't it?

    Kyle: Yes it is.

    Policeman in Car: [laughs] I love these things. What's your name buddy?

    Chucky: Chucky.

    Policeman in Car: Haha. That's incredible.

    [sees Chucky's nose bleeding]

    Policeman in Car: What the hell's that?

    Kyle: [looks over at Chucky] You've seen dolls that pee? This one bleeds.

    Policeman in Car: Okay just take it easy and buckle up for safety.

    Chucky: [after Policeman walks back towards car]

    [to Kyle]

    Chucky: Now get going.

  • Andy Barclay: Kyle, do you miss your mom and dad?

    Kyle: I don't know.

    Andy Barclay: Well, where are they?

    Kyle: My dad left before I was born. And my mother put me up for adoption when I was three.

    Andy Barclay: Do you remember her?

    Kyle: I make it a point to forget. It's easier that way. Break time. Move over.

    [sits down on swing]

    Andy Barclay: Want a push?

    Kyle: No thank you.

    Andy Barclay: Come on, it's fun.

    Kyle: Please Andy? I just wanna sit here okay?

    Andy Barclay: Too late. There you go.

    Kyle: Andy come on! Stop it!

    Andy Barclay: [laughs] No.

    Kyle: Andy, let me off! Andy I'll kill you.

    Phil: Dinner! Come and get it!

    Andy Barclay: Ahh. Mayhem. Come on I'll race ya.

    Kyle: No fair. You get a head start.

    Andy Barclay: Excuses, excuses. Don't forget your doll.

  • Kyle: [sarcastically] This is exactly how I wanted to spend my day off. Thanks a lot.

    Andy Barclay: But, I didn't break the statue. I swear.

    Kyle: Maybe, it just fell huh?

    Andy Barclay: Hey, wanna hear me say your name backwards? Kyle.

    Kyle: Hold this.

    [hands Andy her cigarette]

    Kyle: Give me that!

    [takes cigarette back from Andy]

    Kyle: What the hell do you think your doing?

    Andy Barclay: I wanted to taste it.

    Kyle: Get real. It tastes like shit okay. These things are really bad for you.

    Andy Barclay: Then why do you do it?

    Kyle: Because grown-ups are allowed to do things that are bad for them.

    Andy Barclay: You're not a grown-up.

    Kyle: You're beginning to to get on my nerves Andy. Now why don't you give me a hand over here.

    Andy Barclay: Mr. Simpson's kind of grouchy isn't he?

    Kyle: It's not so bad. You know there are fosters that will shoot you if you stare at 'em cross-eyed.

    Andy Barclay: Really?

    Kyle: Yeah. They think you're not there and you're just passin' through. And the minute you screw up...

    [puts her hands on Andy's shoulders and shakes him]

    Kyle: they let ya have it.

  • Andy Barclay: Kyle do you miss your mom and dad?

    Kyle: I don't know.

    Andy Barclay: Well, where are they?

    Kyle: My dad left before I was born. And my mother put me up for adoption when I was three.

    Andy Barclay: Do you remember her?

    Kyle: I make it a point to forget. It's easier that way. Break time! Move over.

    [sits down on swing]

  • Grace Poole: Andy, you'll be fine now. You'll come stay at the Center with us until we can find you a new family. We've placed Kyle with a number of families. Things always seem to turn out okay. Don't they?

    Kyle: Yeah.

    [hands Andy his suitcase]

    Kyle: There's your stuff.

    Grace Poole: Come on Andy. Let's go.

    Andy Barclay: He's still in the cellar Kyle. Don't let him get you too.

    Grace Poole: Andy!

  • Kyle: Come on, Andy. We're late.

    Joanne: Andy! Don't forget your lunch, egg salad.

    Kyle: Ooh, yum. Now whatever you do don't act nervous okay. They'll smell a new kid a mile off. Just act where you belong. What are you looking for?

    Andy Barclay: Nothing.

    Kyle: Is it CHUCKY coming to get you? Andy, how did you manage to tie yourself up like that last night?

    Andy Barclay: I already told you.

    Kyle: Get real.

    Andy Barclay: Your just like everyone else. You don't believe me either.

    Kyle: Hey, Adam.

    Adam: Kyle, why'd you leave so early last night? You missed all the fun.

    Kyle: Story of my life.

  • Van Driver: Just what the hell do you think you're doing?

    Kyle: Let me go! Let me go!

    Van Driver: What the fuck's wrong with you?

    Kyle: Let go!

    [pushes the Van Driver]

    Van Driver: Crazy bitch!

  • Kyle: It's not the end of the world.

    Andy Barclay: But they're gonna send me away.

    Kyle: Andy, you'll be okay.

    Andy Barclay: Where will I go?

    Kyle: I've lived with dozens of different families. And they always seem to send me away just when I'm getting comfortable. But you know what?

    Andy Barclay: What?

    Kyle: Everytime it happens, it just makes me stronger. Because it reminds me that the only one I can count on is myself. Okay, and now you have to learn that. I know it sounds tough. But you'll deal with it.

    Andy Barclay: It doesn't matter - wherever I go, Chucky will find me.

  • [after seeing a sex tape of Kyle cheating on her with Megan]

    Kelli Presely: [crying] Get out! Get the fuck out! Am I gonna show up on there? Isn't sex enough, Kyle? You need little visual trophies to get your thrill?

    Kyle: [shouting] Why don't you shut the fuck up?

    Dana Mathis: Hey, hey, hey!

    Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Go, Kyle, now!

    [Lauren rushes to the bathroom and vomits]

    Kyle: Kelli, I really like you. A lot. I don't blame you for hating me. But I wasn't dealing, I wasn't knocking over 7-11s. I didn't hurt anybody.

    [begins to walk away]

    Dana Mathis: Yeah, Merry Christmas, asshole.

    Kyle: Fuck all you bitches.

  • Platt: [concerned] May I need to remind you this

    [the ghost machine coffin]

    Platt: was built by a specialist in making torture devices

    Kyle: [causually] With a little help from the devil

    Platt: Wait?... WHAT!

  • Sutton: What makes you think I won't come back as a ghost and haunt you?

    Kyle: Without the coffin... good luck with that!

    [ignites the fuel with a gunshot]

    Sutton: [screams as the ghost machine coffin catches fire] NNNOOO!

  • Kyle: [lying in the ghost machine coffin] If you see any spikes shoot out from the sides... pull me out

  • Kyle: You scared?

    Platt: I'm careful

  • Platt: May I remind you that this was built by an expert in torture devices?

    Kyle: With some help from the devil

    Platt: Wait... What?

  • Spencer: Kyle, slow down! She said she was sick.

    Kyle: Look, I'm feeling sick too, all right? Now everyone shut the fuck up and let me concentrate!

    Rachel: Will you please be careful?

    Kyle: Listen, Rachel, we know it's your dad's shitty RV! We've heard it a million fucking times!

    Spencer: Well, this should be a fun weekend.

    Rachel: No shit.

  • Kyle: Maybe we should take lessons.

    Shane: I don't want to take lessons, I want to have a fucking band. 2, 3, 4.

  • Pam: So you think that we, we came from apes?

    Kyle: Well I don't know about you honey, but I sure did.

  • Duncan: I can't believe it. Krants is dead!

    Kyle: Don't get your hopes up too soon!

Browse more character quotes from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)