Kuzco Quotes in The Emperor's New Groove (2000)

[Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river]

Pacha: Uh-oh.

Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha: Yep.

Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha: Most likely.

Kuzco: Bring it on.

Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?

Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.

Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.

Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.

[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]

Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!

Kronk: Check. Pickup!

Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.

Kronk: Meat pie. Check.

Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.

Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.

Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?

Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.

Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.

Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.

Kronk: Hold the cheese.

Yzma: No, I want the cheese.

Kronk: Cheese it is.

Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."

Kronk: Cheese out.

Yzma: Cheese in!

Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!

Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...

Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.

[while Kuzco and Pacha are trying out all of Yzma's potions]

Kuzco: Yay. I'm a llama again!

[beat]

Kuzco: Wait...

[after falling into the alligator pit]

Kuzco: Okay, why does she even *have* that lever?

[Kuzco, having changed back into a human and no longer selfish, apologises to Rudy from what happened earlier on]

Kuzco: Look, I'm sorry for tossing you out the window earlier.

Old Man: Oh, it's not the first time I was tossed out of a window, and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.

Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired.

Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?

[Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]

Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.

Yzma: Looking for this?

Yzma: [holds up the vial of human extract]

[Kuzco and Pacha gasp]

Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?

Yzma: Uh...

[pauses]

Yzma: ...how *did* we, Kronk?

Kronk: Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.

[Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]

Yzma: Oh, well.

[after firing Yzma]

Kuzco: [sing-song] So... who's in my chaaaaaair?

Kronk: Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?

Kuzco: Very good, Kronk! Here. Get the snack.

Kuzco: This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.

Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!

Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting *this*.

[Yzma pulls up her dress. Kuzco and Pacha scream]

Yzma: [revealing a knife strapped to her thigh] Aha!

[Kuzco and Pacha sigh with relief]

Kuzco: Oh, okay.

[Kuzko collides with an old man while dancing]

Kuzco: D'oh! You threw off my groove!

Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the Emperor's groove.

[the old man is thrown out of the palace window]

Old Man: Sooooorry!

Kuzco: Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense.

[cut to Kuzco as an infant]

Kuzco: All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby.

[breaks doll and begins to cry, immediately a lot more dolls are shoved his way]

Kuzco: Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.

Kuzco: So, you lied to me.

Pacha: I did?

Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing.

[takes Kuzcotopia]

Kuzco: So, I'll be building my summer home on a more *magical* hill. Thank you.

Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?

Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.

[puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop]

Kuzco: Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.

[Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]

Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.

Kuzco: You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.

Kuzco: Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!

Pacha: What? No, I did not.

Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!

Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?

Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me.

Pacha: What?

Kuzco: You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.

Kuzco: [voiceover] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here! I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.

Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?

Kuzco: [voiceover] What? I'm just telling them what happened.

Kuzco: Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They *know* what happened.

Kuzco: [voiceover] Well, yeah, but... but...

Kuzco: Leave me alone.

Kuzco: It's my birthday gift to me. I'm so happy.

Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong.

Kuzco: Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.

Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.

Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly *and* stupid.

Pacha: Let's end this.

Kuzco: Ladies first.

Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?

Kuzco: No... touchy.

Pacha: Demon llama!

Kuzco: Demon llama? Where?

[Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama]

Misty: Maaah.

Kuzco: Aaah!

[after getting hit in the head with a frying pan]

Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.

Pacha: Emperor Kuzco?

Kuzco: Yeah. Who did you think you were talking to?

Pacha: Um... How did... uh... you don't... *look* like the emperor.

Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?

Pacha: Um... do this.

[wiggles fingers]

Kuzco: What is this, some little game you country folk like to play?

[sees his hoofed hand, gasps]

Kuzco: It can't be! I...

[looks at his reflection in the water]

Kuzco: [Gasps] My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly, stinky llama! Wah-hah-hah! Llama face!

Kuzco: And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.

Kuzco: Woo-yeah! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right out of the air! "Ooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Pacha: You just saved my life!

Kuzco: Oh, yeah. This is the real me.

[cut to llama]

Kuzco: Not this.

[back to Kuzco]

Kuzco: This...

[back to llama]

Kuzco: Not this.

[back to Kuzco]

Kuzco: Winner...

[back to llama]

Kuzco: Loser!

Pacha: Okay, once we cross this bridge, it's just an hour to your palace.

Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.

Pacha: I believe it.

Kuzco: What's that?

Pacha: Nothing.

Kuzco: [about Kronk] Oh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.

[Film stops, Llama Kuzco appears on screen]

Kuzco: Uh, excuse me. Two seconds here. I'm the one in the cart, remember? This story is about me.

[Circles the bag on the cart where he is]

Kuzco: Not him.

[Crosses out Pacha]

Kuzco: Okay, we're clear? All right, we're gonna move ahead. Sorry to keep you waiting.

[Exits; returns to scribble over Pacha; realizes he's still on screen, chuckles, then leaves; film starts up again]

[the drink is poisoned]

Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!

Kronk: Right. Oh...

[winks at Yzma]

Kronk: ...riiiiiiggghhht.

[goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]

Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?

Kronk: [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...

[small explosion from each of the cups]

Kronk: ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.

Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!

Kronk: [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.

Kuzco: [walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle] Scary jungle. Right.

[in mocking voice]

Kuzco: Oh, a leaf! Oh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid. Please. Never find my way? I'm the Emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?

[a fly buzzes nearby and gets caught in spiderweb]

Bug in jungle: Help me! Help me!

[Spider comes and eats the fly off-screen]

Bug in jungle: Too late...

Kuzco: Ok... that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen...

Yzma: But... but Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for... for many, many years.

Kuzco: Hey, everyone hits their stride. You just hit yours fifty years ago.

Kuzco: Boo-yeah.

Kuzco: What is this guy babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up.

[Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a dead tree branch]

Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

Pacha: No, no, no. It's... It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.

[the branch cracks]

Kuzco: I hate you.

Kuzco: [Repeated Line] Boom, baby!

Kuzco: There's two people in there looking for you.

Kuzco: Who?

Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.

Kuzco: Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?

Pacha: Oh, yeah!

Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!

Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?

Pacha: Well, that's funny. Because I thought that you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really *bad* ideas.

Kuzco: Oh, yeah. Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

[Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike]

Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.

Kuzco: [watching Yzma talk] Whoa! Look at those wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? What the...

[sees a bit of spinach on Yzma's teeth]

Kuzco: How long has that been there?

Pacha: [hanging off the bridge] Kuzco!

Kuzco: Yeah?

Pacha: Quick, pull me up!

Kuzco: No, I don't think I will.

Pacha: You're gonna leave me here?

Kuzco: Well, I was gonna have you imprisoned for life, but I kinda like this better.

Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.

Kuzco: Come on, I had to say *something* to get you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha: So all of it was a lie?

Kuzco: Well yeah. No, wait... Oh, yeah, it all was a lie. Toodles!

Kuzco: No, no! Don't drop it!

Yzma Kitty: I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I turn back into my beautiful self I'm going to *kill* you.

Kuzco: [as a parrot, whilst testing out each of the potions] We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one.

Pacha: Fine by me!

Kuzco: Give me that one.

[drinks a potion and turns into a whale]

Kuzco: Don't you say a word.

Pacha: [Both hanging from a bridge, Pacha hits Kuzco in anger] That's for going back on your promise!

Kuzco: [Kuzco hits Pacha] Yeah! And that's for kidnapping me and taking me back to your village! Which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. Hehehe. No touchy!

[Pacha hits him back]

Kuzco: [as he turns into a Llama from the "drink" he just had] Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal, be a friend?

[after telling Pacha that he intends to destroy Pacha's villiage and build "Kuzcotopia"]

Pacha: But, but, um, where will *we* live?

Kuzco: Hmm. Don't know, don't care. How's that?

Kuzco: Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide.

Theme Song Guy: He's the sovereign lord of the nation / He's the hippest cat in creation / He's the Alpha, the Omega, A to Z / And this perfect world will spin / Around his every little whim / 'Cause this perfect world begins and ends with...

Kuzco: Me!

[after Pacha attempted to breathe into Kuzco's mouth after saving him from drowning to see if he was still alive]

Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.

Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it, it was disgusting.

Kuzco: [referring to Kronk] He's... what, in his late twenties?

Yzma: Hehe... I'm... not sure.

Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!

Kuzco: If you had done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little "kiss of life".

Kuzco: [to a Squirrel he finds in the Jungle] Hit the road, Bucky!

Kuzco: I am one hungry king of the world.

Kuzco: Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.

Pacha: Build your summer house somewhere else.

Kuzco: You wanna run that by me again?

Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.

Kuzco: I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer.

[Pacha comes closer]

Kuzco: [loudly, in Pacha's ear] I don't make deals with peasants!