Kristin Quotes in Mother's Day (2016)

Jesse: [to her son, who's peeing in front of the guests] Tanner, nononono!

Kristin: Oh!

Jesse: It's like the fourth time he's done this.

Kristin: I have abandonment issues!

Kristin: I don't know what to do. I mean, this was Dan's idea. He was all like, "Let's have a baby. It'll be so cute." You know? I was like, "Really? Really? Well, let's strap 50 pounds of cement to YOUR torso and see how fun it is then!" You know, I just...

Thea Clayhill: Yeah, I know. I understand.

Kristin: I just need a drink. Or some weed.

Scott: I mean... he was my best friend.

Kristin: But he wasn't your best friend. He was your oldest friend. There's a difference.

Scott: I don't care what you call him. I knew Lumpy better than anyone.

Scott: [taking out cellphone] Hey, will you hold this? It's Lumpy's. Then we can make some calls, just let people know what happened.

Kristin: [browsing through cellphone] There are only six numbers stored. Two of them are for pizza delivery.

Kristin: I assumed that the funeral would be after the honeymoon.

Scott: You... you wanna postpone the funeral? Who postpones a funeral?

Scott: I know you never got Lumpy. Okay? Let's just be honest. You didn't want him to be my best man.

Kristin: I didn't say that. What I said was, you two didn't spend much time together anymore.

Scott: What does that mean? We're men. Men don't spend a lot of time together.

Roger: Could somebody please pass the Mrs. Dash? She might be hiding with Mr. Dash.

Kristin: Oh, we don't know if there is a Mr. Dash, Dad. Maybe things didn't go too well after their wedding or something.

Scott: Well, maybe Mr. Dash had some things on his mind, and things that he has to take care of.

Kristin: I just wonder if Mr. and Mrs. Dash didn't go on a honeymoon and then after that, stop communicating.

Scott: Maybe Mrs. Dash should stop feeling sorry for herself.

Kristin: I think that Mrs. Dash is trying really hard and maybe feels under-appreciated.

Scott: [raising voice slightly] Maybe Mrs. Dash should remember she's not the only spice in the spice rack.

Roger: [reminiscing about Lumpy] Boy looked like he was a lot of fun.

Scott: He was a lot of fun, Roger. He wasn't a boy though. He was a man.

Kristin: Of course he was a man.

Scott: No, no, no. He was a real man. Just because he drank a little too much, and quit law school and he got fired from his job, it doesn't make him less of a man. 'Cause he was a man, Kris.

Kristin: Okay. We understand and we know you're upset...

Scott: [shouting] You asked me to pee sitting down!

Kristin: I thought it would be a nice compromise.

Scott: You wanted me to carry a purse, for Christ's sake.

Kristin: Why would he carry a purse?

Kristin: [raising voice] It was a man bag! And I was only pointing out that some men have found it efficient. They are in Europe mostly but...

Scott: We don't live in Europe. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean. Lumpy kept it real. He was a man.

Gail: Your aunt had to bring up Lumpy.

Kristin: Mom, someone died. People are gonna talk about it.

Gail: But that's all they talk about. Oh, your best man got drunk and died at the wedding. Do you know that he hit on your cousin Lindsay?

Kristin: She's fourteen. They were just dancing.

Gail: I think it's inappropriate. I don't like it.

[pause]

Gail: Well, don't tell me you don't wish that it didn't happen on your wedding night?

Kristin: Actually... I just wish that it didn't happen.

Kristin: You have to get your job back.

Scott: I can't get my job back! I don't want to get my job back! Keep shafting me on commissions, and I'm done. That's what Lumpy would have done.

Kristin: Oh, well, by all means let's follow Lumpy's example. What has he done? He dropped out of law school. He got fired for embezzlement. Now I think he's committed statutory rape!

Scott: Stop it! Please don't. Just don't.

[pause]

Scott: You know how we could afford Mexico? Lumpy gave me the money. He got us a honeymoon, and I can't even get his funeral right.

Scott: [agitatedly] Of course it matters! What are you talking about?

Kristin: He's gone, Scott.

Scott: I know that. I just... Kris, he told a 15-year-old girl he was dying. He didn't tell me. I just wish he'd told me.

[starts crying]

Scott: I wish he'd told me.

Scott: We can drive you to Minneapolis but then, how you're gonna get back home?

Ramsey: I don't know. I'd take the bus or something.

Kristin: I think we should figure that out before...

Scott: [reciprocating] Yeah

Ramsey: [interrupting] I'm pregnant.

[silence]

Ramsey: It's Lumpy's.

Kristin: [faces away] I knew it.

Kristin: You don't find someone like that. Someone like that finds you.

Kristin: Four horsemen. Four offerings. No more.

Kristin: I wonder, Aidan, what you think of me. You thought I was just this sweet girl who had been wronged by the world. What do you think now?

Det. Aidan J. Breslin: I still think that.

Kristin: Death is what happens at the end. War is everything else.

Kristin: Would you rather be dead or live the rest of your life without your soul mate?

Kristin: Mom, I love Shane!

Cynthia: Bullshit! I love Jesus, but I would never let him do me doggy style.

Shane: So how come I've never seen you out with Megan before?

Kristin: My boyfriend keeps me on a pretty short leash.

Shane: Short leash, huh? Maybe you should bite him and runaway. Some little boy will save you, take you home and ask his mom if he can keep you.

Megan: Did she freak out?

Kristin: Did she freak out? No. She just bought us a couple of chocolate croissants and some lattes from Starbucks, and told us she hoped we'd have beautiful two-headed babies. Then she went to the hairdresser... of course she freaked out!

Megan: Well I wouldn't blame her, I would have freaked out too.

Kristin: You told me to do this and that he was hot!

Megan: I was kidding! Not about the hot part, but still.

Cynthia: This is all my fault. I shouldn't have gone looking for Shane.

Kristin: Not knowing would have been better. But knowing, doesn't change a thing. Not for me.

Cynthia: Kristin, you know, I love you. And nothing's ever going to change that. But is too much. You must end this right now. Do you understand?

Megan: [Screaming] He's your brother? But how?

Kristin: My mother had sex with two men.

Megan: Kinky!

Kristin: Not at the same time.

Kristin: Shane let's get out of here. Let's leave everything behind.

Shane: What are you talking about?

Kristin: Let's take the next flight to Machu Picchu! I heard the sunrise there is amazing.

Shane: Are you sure?

Kristin: We've made love. We've been shot at. And I still wanna be with you. What else do we have to go through?

Shane: Machu Picchu, huh? That's a hell of a commitment.

Kristin: I've already made the commitment. All we have to do is make the reservations.

Kristin: Fuck me, big brother!

Kristin: Where are you going anyway?

Cynthia: Well if you must know, I have a date. A little bit of schmoozing.

Kristin: Who is it this time?

Cynthia: Rob... I mean, Henry. He's a nice guy, you're gonna like him. He makes mean sushi.

Kristin: Yeah? Well tell him to keep his dragon roll to himself.

Cynthia: Kristin, I swear...

Kristin: And don't forget to bring rubber, just in case.

Cynthia: My God! Who are you? You're nasty.

[Puts on lipstick]

Cynthia: There will be no screwing in this family. We're screwed up enough.

Shane: Did you know that a female firefly chooses a mate based on the pattern of light that the male firefly emits? So if she likes what she sees, she sends back a pattern of light, specifically designed just for that male.

Kristin: [Kristin switches her flashlight on and off] What do you think about that?

Shane: I think you're an expert already.

Kristin: So,now that we're here all alone, away from everybody else, what do you wanna do?

Kristin: So what part of the world are you planning to see with this bimbo? I knew you had an interest in ancient ruins, but I didn't know you wanted to date them!

Cynthia: I know I haven't always been the best mom in the world, but I love you. Both of you.

Shane: What do you mean both of us?

Kristin: She means... You tell him.

Cynthia: Shane, she's your sister.

Shane: So are you ready?

Kristin: For what?

Shane: We're gonna set sail. Tonight, we're gonna see the world. Well, at least what we can in one night anyway.

Kristin: Shane, I'm beginning to think, I know less about you than I should.

Shane: I'm the guy you made a pact with to see the world remember?

Kristin: Didn't know I was making a deal with devil.

Shane: I promise, I'm not the devil, but I do like his style though.

[Kristin is not amused]

Shane: Alright, from now on, no lies, no pretending, no secrets.

Kristin: Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Looking back now the events that took place keep repeating itself over and over again in my head. Nothing still entirely makes much sense. But the thing I still can't grasp most of all is. Why me?

Kristin: Think about your competitive advantage. There maybe a lot of good musicians, but you're way hotter than most of them. And you give women nervous poo.

Shane: Wait, so you're saying, I give women nervous poo, but I'm not good enough?

Kristin: Needs a little work here and there.

Shane: I'm gonna bite you.

Kristin: [water runs, Kristen eyes Jess from the side] You're getting huge.

Jess: [smiles, haughty] Thanks. Feel great.

[dries hands with a paper towel and sees Kristin's arm]

Jess: That's a nasty bruise. What happened?

[Kristen pulls her sleeve down]

Kristin: None of your business

[glides on gloss]

Jess: I heard about you and Brent. Did he do that to you?

[expression on Kristen's face changes and she turns to Jess]

Jess: If he did, you have to say something. If enough of us speak up, we can stop him.

Kristin: Look, I'm not you, okay. I don't need to lead a crusade.

[walks past her and out the bathroom; Jess looks at herself in the bathroom mirror and her phone sounds, signaling a text; she picks it up from her bag and open it, and a picture of another girl Brent raped is shown with the text "Something in Common", sent by Emily Harding]

Mr. Kenner: [after finally having arranged a baby-sitter] I'm ready!

Kristin: I'm stunned.

Justin: Oh, I... I'm not the kind of guy who gets together with chicks for... you know... for... for

Kristin: For fun?

Justin: Yeah.

Kristin: Totally, I know guys like that.

Justin: Sensitive?

Kristin: Gay guys. Is that why you guys broke up?

Justin: Huh?

Kristin: Because of your compulsion to suck cock?

Justin: You suck... cock.

Kristin: Nice one.