Kowalski Quotes in Hot Shots! (1991)
Kowalski: You're quite a guy!
Topper Harley: [Kowalski is a woman] So are you!
Nude Motorcycle Rider: Is there something I can do for you?
Kowalski: Well, like what?
Nude Motorcycle Rider: Like anything you want.
Kowalski: How about a smoke?
Nude Motorcycle Rider: Sure, I'll roll you one.
Kowalski: No, no, no, no. A straight one.
Kowalski: What do you do with those things?
Prospector: Trade 'em. Trade 'em for coffee, sugar, chewing tobacco, salt, flour, and beans, lots of beans, son.
Skipper: [Looking at the blueprints for the plane] Very impressive, Kowalski. But will it fly?
Kowalski: Yes, if you fold it here, here, and here.
[Folds plans into paper plane and throws it]
[Bulb on the fuel guage is flashing]
Kowalski: Skipper, look.
Kowalski: It looks like a small incandescent bulb, designed to indicate something out of the ordinary, like a malfunction.
Skipper: I find it pretty and somewhat hypnotic.
Kowalski: That too, sir.
Skipper: Right. Rico, maunal!
[Catches the manual and smashes the bulb with it]
Skipper: Problemo solved.
Kowalski: Sir, we may be out of fuel.
Skipper: What makes you think that?
Kowalski: We've lost engine one, and engine two is no longer on fire.
Skipper: Buckle up, boys. Don't look, doll, this might get hairy.
[on the microphone]
Skipper: This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.
Skipper: The bad news is, we're crash landing.
[Plane goes on a dive]
Skipper: When it comes to air travel, we know that you have no choice whatsoever, but thanks again for choosing Air Penguin.
Kowalski: Only two passengers unaccounted for, Skipper.
Skipper: That's a number I can live with! Good landing, boys! Who says a penguin can't fly?
Skipper: Operation tourist trap is a go.
Private: Oh, I like that one, that's a good one.
Kowalski: It works on many levels, sir.
Skipper: You guys are a bunch of suck-ups.
Kowalski: That too, sir.
Private: Oh, absolutely, sir.
Kowalski: We've lost engine one... and engine two is no longer on fire
Skipper: I say we let it ride, then we pick up the hippies and fly back in style.
Kowalski: Can we get an Airbus A380?
Skipper: Solid gold, baby!
Kowalski: Skipper, I'm afraid a solid gold plane would be too heavy to fly.
Skipper: Kowalski, we'll be rich. The rules of physics don't apply to us.
Private: Hello! Are you my family?
[the three penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]
Kowalski: You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Kowalski: What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.
Skipper: [hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die.
Skipper: You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.
[salutes Private, who salutes back]
Skipper: [tussles Private's head] So adorable.
Skipper: Kowalski, what's our trajectory?
Kowalski: Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.
Skipper: And the, uh... other five percent?
Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
Skipper: I'll take that action.
Private: Where are going?
Skipper: The future, boys. The glorious future.
Corporal: He hacked into our system.
[There's no sound onscreen as Dave speaks]
Eva: Where's the sound?
Kowalski: Dave, your microphone, it's not on.
Classified: Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.
Short Fuse: Every time a villain calls in, this happens.
[the screen goes off]
Kowalski: But, now we can hear you.
Short Fuse: So annoying!
Kowalski: But we cannot see.
Short Fuse: Every time!
Classified: It's like talking to my parents.
Skipper: Leopard seals! Nature's snakes.
Kowalski: Aren't snakes nature's snakes?
Skipper: How should I know? I live on a flippin' frozen tundra!
Skipper: Alright, you! Where's Dave?
[repeatedly slaps a baby squid]
Skipper: Give us the goods.
Kowalski: Sir, that's a baby squid.
[the baby squid starts crying, then Skipper puts the baby squid down]
Skipper: Sorry, laddie.
Kowalski: Sir, how long do we stand here like this?
Skipper: Until we reach maximum coolness.
Skipper: There it is.
[They've arrived in Shanghai]
Kowalski: We've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.
Skipper: We gotta blend in. River dance.
[They start river dancing]
Documentary Filmmaker: Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...
[as the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they quickly move out of the way]
Skipper: Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?
Antarctic Penguin: Who cares?
Antarctic Penguin: I question nothing.
Antarctic Penguin: Me too.
Antarctic Penguin: Me too.
Skipper: Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.
[they flap their wings but cannot fly]
Kowalski: Skipper, we appears to be flightless.
Skipper: [looks at his wings] Oh, well what's the point of these?
[Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five]
Skipper: Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.
[the penguins have just blown up an old ship]
Skipper: Kowalski, analysis?
Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!
Skipper: Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!
[They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they saved]
Skipper: Ooh. My bad.
[the penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch]
Skipper: Look! It's the miracle of birth.
Kowalski: A moment of extraordinary beauty.
[Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, much to the disgust of the three penguins]
Skipper: Daaagh! That's disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!
[the Penguins are dressed as German folk musicians]
Skipper: We take this shame to our graves.
[slap dance starts]
Private: So... how do I look?
Kowalski: You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.
[Skipper elbows Kowalski]
Skipper: If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, KOWALSKI, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts.
[overwhelmed with emotion]
Skipper: And look at what you did.
[the penguins from different countries look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins]
Skipper: Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.
[Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private]
[as Dave prepares to use his ray on Private]
Kowalski: You're the monster!
Dave: [angrily] Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day in my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves YOU when YOU'RE the monster!
Skipper: [after waking up from being tranquilized] What did North Wind do to us?
Private: [Turns around and shows the dart stuck in his back] They gave us badges!
Skipper: [Snatches the dart from his own shoulder] No, not badges... Tranquilizer darts!
[Looks around and realizes they're in a plane]
Skipper: Classified. That low-down, dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!
Kowalski: He thinks we can't do anything because we're just
[makes quotation marks with his flippers]
Skipper: Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're US! And if anyone's going to save us, it's us.
Kowalski: But sir, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.
Skipper: I MAKE MY OWN OPTIONS.
[Punches the button closest to him, which opens the cargo hatch]
Skipper: [Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise] Who are you?
Dave: The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...
[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head]
Skipper: [Whispers] Kowalski?
Kowalski: [Whispers back] Sorry, sir, no clue.
Dave: [Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off] Dave!
Private: [Smiles] Dave!
Dave: [Annoyed] DA-VUH!
Rico: [Rolls his eyes] Bleh.
Classified: What you, of course, could not know is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called: the Medusa Serum.
Skipper: Ah! But what *you* don't know is that Dirk...
Skipper: Dave, wont be using his Bazooka Serum...
Kowalski: Medusa Serum.
Skipper: Medusa Serum on anybody!
Kowalski: *That* part is accurate.
Classified: Show 'em, Rico.
[Rico regurgitates the canister of Medusa Serum onto the table. Skipper stands triumpantly over it]
Classified: [shocked] You... you stole the Medusa Serum?
Skipper: Well, stole the serum. Saved the day. Did your job for you. Call it what you will.
Dave: [fixes the video connection] How about now?
Classified: Yes! Way to go, looks fantastic!
Dave: Excellent! Now, where was I?
Short Fuse: Grrrr!
Dave: Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo-mates.
Skipper: We were never "mates." There was no mating.
Classified: Turn yourself in, David. You are powerless now that I have stolen your precious Medusa Serum.
Skipper: What? You didn't steal that!
Classified: It's over.
Dave: It's over?
Dave: Then... why did I call you? Wierd. OH! Maybe it was to show you *this*!
[turns camera to reveal a large vat of Medusa Serum]
Kowalski: [collective gasp from everyone] That is a lot of serum for four penguins.
Dave: Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No, no-no-no-no. We're just getting started.
[takes a selfie]
Dave: Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... FOR REVENGE!
[hits button, buzzer sounds. hits button again, same result]
Dave: Wait. How do you...?
Squid: [gurgles instructions]
Dave: What do I push?
Squid: [points and gurgles]
Dave: Is it the red, or...
Squid 2: [points, gurgles, and slaps own head in frustration]
Dave: I thought it was... it's not this -
[screen goes black]
Kowalski: I'm asking you as a friend. What would you invest in?
Jakob Heym: Maybe luxury goods of some kind. They were crazy for them after the last war. David built a house with the profits on the schnapps he sold.
Kowalski: You're right. Do you think we'll have potatoes to make schnapps?
Jakob Heym: Probably not. Everything will be short. You need good instincts.
Kowalski: Who hears the news first? All the news you get at the factory originates from Jakob. Is there another radio?
Man getting shaved: No idea.
Kowalski: News get get changed on he way. It is passed on from person to person. Everyone adds some detail. So it gets changed until it is quite different.
Kowalski: I'll make you an offer, Jakob. We'll serve each other for free.
Jakob Heym: Good. Why are you grinning?
Kowalski: A deal's a deal?
[They shake hands on it]
Jakob Heym: What's funny now?
Kowalski: You eat more often than you get a haircut.
Jakob Heym: True... But I shave every day. A deal is a deal.
Gertrud 'Traude' Krüger: Today is my last day. I just want to get my piano.
Kowalski: Tell me, Mrs. Krüger... What do those guys have that others don't?
Gertrud 'Traude' Krüger: One's a murderer and the other raped his niece.
Kowalski: I'll miss you, Mrs. Krüger.
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