Kirk Quotes in Star Trek Beyond (2016)

Kirk: [hears song "Sabotage" blaring, aimed to destroy Krall's attacking swarm] It's a good choice.

Christopher Pike: [whistles to break up fight between cadets and Kirk] Outside! All of you! Now!

Christopher Pike: [to Kirk] You all right, son?

Kirk: [Looks at him upside down and stunned] You can whistle really loud, you know that?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, congratulations, Jim. We've got no captain and no god-damned first officer to replace him.

Kirk: Yeah, we do.

[Kirk sits himself into the captain's chair]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: What?

Hikaru Sulu: Pike made him first officer.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You gotta be kidding me!

Kirk: Thanks for the support.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: I sure hope you know what you're doing...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [sarcastically] ... CAPTAIN.

Kirk: So do I.

Kirk: [highly agitated and suffering side effects from McCoy hypospray] Uhura! Uhura!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Kirk? What are you doing here?

Kirk: The transmission from the Klingon prison planet. What exactly...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Oh, my God, what's wrong with your hands?

Kirk: [waves off the question with his bloated hands] I-i-it's... Look, who is responsible for the attack...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: What?

Kirk: ...and was the ship walullaa?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: And was the ship... WHAT?

Kirk: [to McCoy] Whass happening to my mouth?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You got numb-tongue?

Kirk: NUM-TUNG?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I can fix that!

[hurries off to find another hypospray]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Was the ship what?

Kirk: Womulan!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: What? I...

Kirk: WOMULAN!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Romulan?

Kirk: Yeah!

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Yes!

Kirk: Yes?

[Bones injects him with another hypospray]

Kirk: ACK! ACK!

[trying to say 'stop it']

Kirk: STAHHMIT!

Kirk: Make that two. Her shot's on me.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Her shot's on her.

[Turns to Kirk]

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Thanks but no thanks.

Kirk: Don't you at least wanna know my name before you completely reject me?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: I'm fine without it.

Kirk: You ARE fine without it. It's Jim, Jim Kirk.

[Waits for Uhura to introduce herself, and gets no reply]

Kirk: If you don't tell me your name I'm gonna have to make one up.

Lt. Nyota Uhura: [Reluctantly] It's Uhura.

Kirk: Uhura? No way! That's the name I was gonna make up for you! Uhura what?...

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Just Uhura.

Kirk: They don't have last names in your world?

Lt. Nyota Uhura: Uhura is my last name.

Kirk: Then they don't have... uh first names in your world?

[Uhura smiles]

Kirk: [Bolts out of bed suddenly from being sedated] Lightning storm!

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Ah, Jim, you're awake. How do you feel?

[He looks down, suddenly growing alarmed]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Good God, man!

Kirk: What? AH!

[He yelps and raises his hands, which are now twice their normal size]

Kirk: What the hell's this?

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A reaction to the vaccine, dammit! Nurse Chapel, I need 50 cc's of cortizone!

Nurse Chapel: Yes, sir!

[He starts scanning Kirk while Kirk replays Chekov's message]

Pavel Chekov: [on the computer] ... appeared to be a lightning storm in space.

Kirk: Bones! We gotta stop the ship!

[He takes off running down the hall]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [running after him] Jim! I'm not kidding, you need to keep your heart rate down!

[he fumbles through a first aid kit while Jim accesses another computer console]

Kirk: Computer, locate crew member Uhura.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You know, I haven't seen a reaction this bad since med school!

Kirk: We're flying into a trap!

[He starts running again]

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Dammit, Jim, stand still!

[injects him yet again]

Kirk: [yelps in pain] OW! STOP THAT!

[he runs through the engine room, looking for Uhura]

Kirk: We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored dead. And yet it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of a new world; a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect and nourish. He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human.

[Terrell disobeys Khan's order to kill Kirk, who taunts Khan over the communicator]

Kirk: Khan, you bloodsucker! You're going to have to do your own dirty work now! Do you hear me? Do you?

Khan: Kirk? Kirk, you're still alive, my old friend?

Kirk: Still, "old friend"! You've managed to kill just about everyone else, but like a poor marksman, you keep missing the target!

Khan: Perhaps I no longer need to try, Admiral.

David Marcus: Oh, no! Let go! He can't take it...!

[Khan beams the Genesis device away]

Kirk: Khan... Khan, you've got Genesis, but you don't have me. You were going to kill me, Khan. You're going to have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here!

Khan: I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her; marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet... buried alive! Buried alive...!

Kirk: KHAAANNNN!

[echo]

Kirk: KHAAANNNN!

McCoy: [Kirk runs in to the engine room and sees Spock inside the reactor compartment. He rushes over but McCoy and Scotty hold him back] No! You'll flood the whole compartment!

Kirk: He'll die!

Scotty: Sir! He's dead already.

McCoy: It's too late.

[They let go and Kirk walks to the glass and pushes the intercom button]

Kirk: Spock!

[Spock slowly walks over to the glass and pushes the intercom]

Spock: The ship... out of danger?

Kirk: Yes.

Spock: Do not grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many, outweigh...

Kirk: The needs of the few.

Spock: Or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

Kirk: Spock.

[Spock sits down]

Spock: [Gasping] I have been... and always shall be... your friend.

[he places a Vulcan salute on the glass]

Spock: [Gasping] Live long... and prosper.

[Spock dies]

Kirk: No.

Kirk: Physician, heal thyself!

McCoy: [Lying on the floor, propping himself up on one elbow] Is that all you've got to say? What about my performance?

Kirk: I'm not a drama critic!

[after allowing the simulated Enterprise to be destroyed]

Saavik: Permission to speak freely, sir?

Kirk: Granted.

Saavik: I do not believe this was a fair test of my command abilities.

Kirk: And why not?

Saavik: Because... there was no way to win.

Kirk: A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you?

Saavik: No, sir, it has not.

Kirk: And how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?

Saavik: As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me.

Kirk: Well, now you have something new to think about. Carry on.

Saavik: Admiral, may I ask you a question?

Kirk: What's on your mind, Lieutenant?

Saavik: The Kobayashi Maru, sir.

Kirk: Are you asking me if we're playing out that scenario now?

Saavik: On the test, sir... will you tell me what you did? I would really like to know.

McCoy: Lieutenant, you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenario.

Saavik: How?

Kirk: I reprogrammed the simulation so it was possible to rescue the ship.

Saavik: What?

David Marcus: He cheated.

Kirk: I changed the conditions of the test; got a commendation for original thinking. I don't like to lose.

Saavik: Then you never faced that situation... faced death.

Kirk: I don't believe in the no-win scenario.

[On whether Kirk should assume command from Spock]

Spock: If I may be so bold, it was a mistake for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first, best destiny; anything else is a waste of material.

Kirk: I would not presume to debate you.

Spock: That is wise. Were I to invoke logic, however, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Kirk: Or the one.

Spock: You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been and always shall be yours.

Kirk: [hailing Khan] This is Admiral Kirk. We tried it once your way, Khan, are you game for a rematch? Khan, I'm laughing at the "superior intellect."

Khan: Full impulse power!

Joachim: No, sir! You have Genesis! You can have whatever...

Khan: [grabs Joachim in anger] FULL POWER! DAMN YOU!

Spock: The Kobayashi Maru scenario frequently wreaks havoc on students and equipment. As I recall you took the test three times yourself. Your final solution was, shall we say, unique?

Kirk: It had the virtue of never having been tried.

McCoy: He's not really dead. As long as we remember him.

Kirk: It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before. A far better resting place that I go to than I have ever known.

Carol Marcus: Is that a poem?

Kirk: No. Something Spock was trying to tell me. On my birthday.

McCoy: You okay, Jim? How do you feel?

Kirk: Young. I feel young.

Dr. McCoy: You're hiding... hiding behind rules and regulations.

Kirk: Who am I hiding from?

Dr. McCoy: From yourself, Admiral.

Kirk: Don't mince words, Bones. What do you really think?

Dr. McCoy: Jim, I'm your doctor and I'm also your friend. Get back your command! Get it back before you turn into part of this collection, before you really do grow old.

[Kirk unwraps Bones' birthday present]

Kirk: Romulan Ale. Why, Bones, you know this is illegal.

McCoy: I only use it for medicinal purposes.

Kirk: Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead!

Saavik: You lied!

Spock: I exaggerated.

Kirk: Hours instead of days! Now we have minutes instead of hours!

Joachim: [Enterprise is running with shields down] They still haven't raised their shields.

Khan: Raise ours.

[Joachim raises shields]

Spock: Their shields are going up.

Khan: Lock phasers on target.

Joachim: [looks at targeting computer] Locking phasers on target.

Spock: They're locking phasers.

Kirk: Raise shields!

Khan: Fire!

[Joachim fires phasers]

Kirk: Engine room. Well done, Scotty!

McCoy: Jim... I think you'd better get down here.

Kirk: Bones?

McCoy: Better hurry...

Carol Marcus: Please tell me what you're feeling.

Kirk: There's a man out there I haven't seen in fifteen years who's trying to kill me. You show me a son that'd be happy to help. My son... my life that could have been... and wasn't. How do I feel? Old... worn out.

Carol Marcus: Let me show you something that will make you feel young as when the world was new.

David Marcus: Lieutenant Saavik was right: You never have faced death.

Kirk: No. Not like this. I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing.

David Marcus: You knew enough to tell Saavik that how we face death is at least as important as how we face life.

Kirk: Just words.

David Marcus: But good words. That's where ideas begin. Maybe you should listen to them. I was wrong about you. And I'm sorry.

Kirk: Is that what you came here to say?

David Marcus: Mainly. And also that I'm proud - very proud - to be your son.

[David attacks Kirk]

Kirk: Where's Dr. Marcus?

David Marcus: I'M Dr. Marcus!

Carol Marcus: Jim!

Kirk: [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." - Message, Spock?

Spock: None that I'm conscious of. Except of course; happy birthday! -Surely the best of times.

Kirk: Khan!

Khan: You still remember, Admiral. I cannot help but be touched. I, of course, remember you.

Kirk: Khan, how do I know you'll keep your word?

Khan: Oh, I've given you no word to keep, Admiral. In my judgment, you simply have no alternative.

Kirk: [describing Khan] I'll give him this: he's consistent!

Saavik: Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Kirk: We learn by doing.

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise.

Spock: Spock here.

Kirk: Captain Spock, damage report.

Spock: Admiral, if we go "by the book". like Lieutenant Saavik, hours could seem like days.

Kirk: I read you captain. Let's have it.

Spock: The situation is grave, Admiral. We won't have main power for six "days". Auxiliary power has temporarily failed. Restoration may be possible, in two "days". By the book, Admiral.

Kirk: Meaning you can't even beam us back?

Spock: Not at present.

Kirk: Captain Spock, if you don't hear from us within one hour, your orders are to restore what power you can, take the Enterprise to the nearest star base, and alert Starfleet Command as soon as you're out of jamming range.

Commander Nyota Uhura: Sir, we won't leave you behind!

Kirk: Uhura, if you don't hear from us, there won't be anybody behind. Kirk out.

Kirk: [Kirk is reacting - badly - to Spock ordering Saavik to take the Enterprise out of spacedock, something she has never done before]

McCoy: Do you want a tranquilizer?

Kirk: [shakes head quickly]

Kirk: [to McCoy, who is still lying where he fell during Saavik's simulation] Physician, heal thyself.

McCoy: Is that all you've got to say? What about my performance?

Kirk: I'm not a drama critic!

McCoy: Where are we going?

Kirk: Where they went.

McCoy: Suppose they went *nowhere*?

Kirk: Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all.

Kirk: I suppose you're about to remind me that logic alone dictates your actions?

Spock: I would not remind you of that which you know so well.

Kirk: Stand by to receive our transmission.

[sotto voce]

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, lock phasers on target and await my command.

Sulu: [sotto voice] Phasers locked.

[Saavik has just left the turbolift]

Dr. McCoy: Did she change her hairstyle?

Kirk: I hadn't noticed.

Dr. McCoy: Wonderful stuff, that Romulan Ale.

Crewman: Sir! The mains are back on line!

Kirk: Bless you Scotty! Go, Sulu!

Preston: I believe you'll find everything ship-shape, Admiral.

Kirk: Oh, do you? Do you have any idea, Midshipman Preston, how many times I have had to listen to Mr. Scott on the comm, telling me his trouble? Do you have any idea of the ribbing I've had to endure in the officers' mess... to the effect that the Enterprise is a flying death trap?

Preston: Oh, no sir! Wha... this is the finest engine room in the whole Starfleet! If the Admiral can't see the facts for himself, then, with all due respect, he's as blind as a Tiberian bat!

Scotty: Ahem!

Preston: Sir!

Kirk: Midshipman, you're a tiger.

Scotty: My sister's youngest, Admiral. Crazy to get to space.

Kirk: Every young man's fantasy. Seem to remember it myself.

McCoy: [handing Kirk a birthday gift, after Kirk hands him the Romulan ale] Now you open this one.

Kirk: [taking gift] I'm almost afraid to. What is it, Klingon aphrodisiacs?

McCoy: No. More antiques for your collection.

Kirk: Time?

Saavik: Three minutes, thirty seconds.

Kirk: Distance from Reliant?

Chekov: 4000 kilometers.

Sulu: We're not going to make it, are we?

[Kirk turns to look at David, who slowly shakes his head]

Kirk: I hate inspections.

Sulu: I'm delighted. Any chance to go aboard the Enterprise.

[after being surrounded by Klingons in a starship simulator]

Saavik: Any suggestions, Admiral?

Kirk: Prayer, Mr. Saavik. The Klingons don't take prisoners.

McCoy: Admiral, wouldn't it be easier to put an experienced crew back on the ship?

Kirk: Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young, Doctor.

[Leaves]

Commander Nyota Uhura: Now what is that supposed to mean?

[Kirk has been informed of an incoming transmission from Dr. Carol Marcus]

Dr. McCoy: It never rains but it pours.

Kirk: As a doctor, you of all people should be aware of the dangers of reopening old wounds.

Kirk: [In a whisper to Carol] Is that David?

Kirk: [to Varla] You're a beautiful animal... and I'm weak, and I want you.

Kirk: You are a very sick girl!

Varla: I was healthy enough a half hour ago or do people look different to you if they are not horizontal?

Kirk: It's a little early for that, isn't it?

The Old Man: The train is late.

Kirk: What has that got to do with it?

The Old Man: Nothing is on schedule today.

Kirk: Captain of the Enterprise, huh?

Picard: That's right.

Kirk: Close to retirement?

Picard: I'm not planning on it.

Kirk: Well let me tell you something. Don't! Don't let them promote you. Don't let them transfer you. Don't let them do *anything* that takes you off the bridge of that ship, because while you're there... you can make a difference.

Picard: Come back with me. Help me stop Soran. Help make a difference again!

Kirk: Who am I to argue with the captain of the Enterprise? What's the name of that planet? Veridian III?

Picard: That's right.

Kirk: I take it the odds are against us and the situation is grim?

Picard: You could say that.

Kirk: You know if Spock were here, he'd say I was an irrational, illogical human being for going on a mission like that.

[pause]

Kirk: Sounds like fun!

Kirk: Did we do it? Did we make a difference?

Picard: Oh, yes. We made a difference. Thank you.

Kirk: Least I could do for the captain of the Enterprise.

[last words]

Kirk: It was... fun. Oh, my...

Kirk: [to Sulu's daughter, Demora] Congratulations, Ensign. It wouldn't be the Enterprise without a Sulu at the helm.

Picard: Good luck, Captain.

Kirk: Call me Jim!

Chekov: I was never that young.

Kirk: No, you were younger.

Kirk: [to Harriman] Risk is part of the game if you want to sit in that chair.

[Kirk is invited to give a command to the new Enterprise-B]

Kirk: Take us out.

Chekov: Very good, sir.

Scotty: Brought a tear to my eye.

Kirk: Oh, be quiet.

Kirk: You left spacedock without a tractor beam?

Harriman: It won't be installed until Tuesday.

Kirk: You say history considers me dead. Who am I to argue with history?

Picard: You're a Starfleet officer. You have a duty!

Kirk: I don't need to be lectured by you. I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers. Besides which, I think the galaxy owes me one.

Kirk: [after being saved from Soran] I thought you were headed for the launcher.

Picard: I changed my mind; Captain's prerogative!

Scotty: Finding retirement a little lonely, are we?

Kirk: You know, I'm glad you're an engineer. With tact like that, you'd make a lousy psychiatrist.

[first lines]

[the journalists are all talking at the same time, trying to get their questions in]

Journalist #3: How does it feel to be back on the Enterprise bridge?

Journalist #1: Captain Chekov, what are the most significant changes...

Journalist #3: Captain Kirk, can I ask you a few questions?

Journalist #1: Did you participate in the redesign?

Journalist #3: We'd like to know how you feel about being...

Kirk: I appreciate the...

Harriman: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. There will be plenty of time for questions later. I'm Captain John Harriman and I'd like to welcome you all aboard.

Kirk: It's our pleasure.

Harriman: I just want you to know how excited we all are to have a group of living legends with us on our maiden voyage. I remember reading about your missions when I was in grade school.

Kirk: Oh, really? Well, may we have a look around?

Harriman: Please. Please.

Picard: This is not your bedroom.

Kirk: No, it's not. It's better.

[after Kirk and Martia kiss passionately]

McCoy: What IS it with you, anyway?

Kirk: Still think we're finished?

McCoy: Now, more than ever!

[the crew enter the bridge]

Kirk: Once again, we've saved civilization as we know it.

McCoy: And the good news is they're not going to prosecute.

Uhuru: They might as well have prosecuted me. I felt like Lt. Valeris.

McCoy: [looks at Spock] Well, they don't prosecute people for having feelings.

Chekov: Just as well, or we'll all have to turn ourselves in.

Kirk: What are we all doing here?

McCoy: Maybe they're throwing us a retirement party.

Scotty: That suits me. I just bought a boat.

Uhuru: This had better be good. I'm supposed to be chairing a seminar at the Academy.

Chekov: Captain, isn't this just for top brass?

McCoy: If we're all here, where's Sulu?

Kirk: *Captain* Sulu, on assignment. Where's Spock?

Sarek: Kirk, I thank you. What you have done is...

Kirk: What I have done, I had to do.

Sarek: But at what cost? Your ship. Your son.

Kirk: If I hadn't tried, the cost would have been my soul.

Kirk: [showing the Vulcan salute] How many fingers do I have up?

McCoy: That's not very damn funny.

Kirk: You're sense of humor's returned!

McCoy: The hell it has!

Kirk: Klingon bastard! You killed my son!

[last lines]

Captain Spock: My father says that you have been my friend. You came back for me.

Kirk: You would have done the same for me.

Captain Spock: Why would you do this?

Kirk: Because the needs of the one... outweigh the needs of the many.

Captain Spock: [begins to remember] I have been and ever shall be your friend.

Kirk: Yes. Yes, Spock.

Captain Spock: The ship... out of danger?

Kirk: You saved the ship. You saved us all. Don't you remember?

Captain Spock: Jim... your name is Jim.

Kirk: Yes.

[their first look at the USS Excelsior]

Uhura: Would you look at that.

Kirk: My friends, the great experiment: The Excelsior. Ready for trial runs.

Sulu: She's supposed to have transwarp drive.

Scotty: Aye. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

Kirk: Come, come, Mr. Scott. Young minds, fresh ideas. Be tolerant.

[Witnessing the destruction of the Enterprise]

Kirk: My God, Bones... what have I done?

McCoy: What you had to do, what you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live.

Kirk: How much refit time before we can take her out again?

Scotty: Eight weeks, sir. But ye don't have eight weeks, so I'll do it for ye in two.

Kirk: Mr. Scott. Have you always multiplied your repair estimates by a factor of four?

Scotty: Certainly, sir. How else can I keep my reputation as a miracle worker?

Kirk: [over the intercom] Your reputation is secure, Scotty.

Kirk: You're suffering from a Vulcan mind-meld, doctor.

McCoy: That green-blooded son of a bitch! It's his revenge for all the arguments he lost.

[Kirk and party have commandeered Kruge's Bird-of-Prey]

Kirk: [to Maltz] You! Help us or die!

Maltz: I do not deserve to live!

Kirk: Fine, I'll kill you later!

[later, once safely in warp speed]

Kirk: Take care of the prisoner.

Maltz: Wait! You said you would kill me!

Kirk: I lied!

Kirk: Scotty, you're as good as your word.

Scotty: Aye, sir. The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.

[giving McCoy a handful of computer chips]

Scotty: Here, Doctor, souvenirs from one surgeon to another. I took them out of her main transwarp computer drive.

McCoy: Nice of you to tell me in advance.

Kirk: That's what you get for missing staff meetings, Doctor. Gentlemen, your work today has been outstanding and I intend to recommend you all for promotion... in whatever fleet we end up serving.

Kirk: Klingon Commander, this is Admiral James T. Kirk. I'm alive and well on the planet's surface. I know that this will come as a pleasant surprise to you, but our ship was a victim of an "unfortunate accident". Sorry about your crew, but as we say on Earth, c'est la vie.

Kirk: [gathers himself after David's murder] Mr. Sulu, what is the crew compliment of a Bird-of-Prey?

Sulu: About a dozen officers and men.

Kirk: With some of them on the planet... I swear to you, we're not finished yet. Bones, you and Sulu to the transporter room. The rest of you with me, we have a job to do.

Kirk: Scan for vessels in pursuit.

McCoy: [in Spock's voice and manner] Scanning. Indications negative at this time.

[everyone stares at him]

McCoy: [as himself] Did I get it right?

Kirk: Great, Bones. Just great.

Scotty: All systems automated and ready. A chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott. I'll try not to take that personally.

Kirk: How are we doing?

McCoy: How are "we" doing? Funny you should put it quite that way, Jim. "We" are doing fine. But I'd feel safer giving him one of my kidneys than what's scrambled in my brain.

Kirk: You should take the Vulcan too.

Kruge: No.

Kirk: But why?

Kruge: Because you wish it.

[Kirk finds McCoy in Spock's quarters]

McCoy: Jim... help me. You left me... on Genesis... why did you do that? Help me...

Kirk: Bones? What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?

McCoy: Help me, Jim. Take me home.

Kirk: Home is where we are. We are home.

McCoy: Then perhaps it's not too late. Climb the steps, Jim. Climb the steps of Mount Seleyah.

Kirk: Mount Seleyah? Bones, Mount Seleyah's on Vulcan. We're home. On Earth.

McCoy: Remember...

Mr. Adventure: Look at you. You're a twenty-year space veteran, yet you pick the worst duty station in town. I mean, look at this place. This is the hind end of space.

Uhura: Peace and quiet appeals to me, Lieutenant.

Mr. Adventure: Well, maybe that's okay for someone like you, whose career is winding down. But me, I need some excitement, some adventure... maybe even just a surprise or two.

Uhura: Well, you know what they say, Lieutenant. Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.

[Kirk, McCoy and Sulu enter the transporter room]

Kirk: Uhura, is everything ready?

Uhura: Step into my parlor, gentlemen.

Mr. Adventure: That's Admiral Kirk, my God!

Uhura: Very good for you, Lieutenant.

Mr. Adventure: But it's damned irregular. No destination points, no encoded ID's.

Uhura: All true.

Mr. Adventure: So what are we gonna do about it?

Uhura: I'm not gonna do anything about it. You're gonna sit in the closet.

Mr. Adventure: The *closet*? Have you lost your sense of reality?

Uhura: This isn't reality.

[Turns a phaser on him]

Uhura: This is fantasy. You wanted adventure, how's this? The old adrenaline going, huh? Good boy. Now get in the closet.

Mr. Adventure: All right...

Uhura: Go on.

Mr. Adventure: I'll just get in the closet. All right! Damn!

[Falls into the closet and shuts the door]

McCoy: I'm glad you're on *our* side!

Kirk: [Pointing to the closet] Are you sure you can handle...?

Uhura: Oh, I'll have "Mr. Adventure" eating out of my hand, sir. And I'll see all of you at the rendezvous.

[first lines]

[Spock's dying words, repeated from the previous film]

Captain Spock: Don't grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh...

Kirk: ...the needs of the few.

Captain Spock: Or the one. I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper.

Sulu: The word, sir?

Kirk: The word is no. I am therefore going anyway.

Sulu: You can count our help, sir.

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Sulu, I'll need it.

Chekov: Shall I alert Dr. McCoy?

Kirk: Please. He has a long journey ahead of him.

Security Guard: Make it quick, Admiral. They're moving him to the Federation funny farm.

Kirk: [about McCoy] Yes, poor friend. I hear he's fruity as a nutcake.

Captain Styles: [on the comm speakers] Kirk, you do this, you'll never sit in the Captain's chair again.

Kirk: Warp speed.

Sarek: You must bring them to Mount Seleyah, on Vulcan. Only there can both find peace.

Kirk: What you ask... is difficult.

Sarek: You will find a way, Kirk. If you honor them both, you must.

Kirk: I will. I swear.

Kirk: David, what went wrong?

David Marcus: I went wrong.

Kirk: I don't understand.

David Marcus: I'm sorry, sir. Just don't surrender. Genesis doesn't work. I can't believe they'd kill us for it.

Kruge: Admiral, your young friend is mistaken. I meant what I said. And now to show that my intentions are sincere, I shall kill one of the prisoners.

Kirk: Wait a minute! Give me a chance to talk.

Kruge: [in Klingon] Kill one of them. I don't care which.

[the Enterprise faces off against a cloaked Klingon Bird-of-Prey]

Kirk: If my guess is right, she'll have to decloak before she can fire.

McCoy: May all your guesses be right.

McCoy: Rapid aging. All genetic functions highly accelerated.

Kirk: What about his mind?

McCoy: His mind is a void. It seems, Admiral, that I've got all his marbles.

Kirk: Is there anything we can do?

Saavik: Only one thing, sir. Get him off this planet. His aging is part of what's going on around us.

Kruge: Genesis, I want it!

Kirk: Beam the Vulcan up, and we'll talk.

Kruge: Give me what I want, and I'll consider it.

Kirk: You fool, look around you! The planet's destroying itself!

Kruge: Yes, exhilarating, isn't it?

Kirk: If we don't help each other, we'll die here.

Kruge: Perfect. Then that's the way it shall be.

Kirk: [stomping on Kruge] I have had... enough... of YOU!

[Kruge falls screaming into the lavascape below]

Scotty: [studying the Klingon Bird-of-Prey's helm] Where's the damn antimatter inducer?

Chekov: This?... no, *this*!

Scotty: That or nothing.

Sulu: If I read this right, sir, we have full power.

Kirk: [exasperated] Go, Sulu!

[the Enterprise is approaching the closed Spacedock doors]

Kirk: And... *now*, Mr. Scott.

Scotty: Sir?

Kirk: The doors, Mr. Scott!

Scotty: Aye, sir, I'm working on it!

Sarek: Forgive me, it is not here. I had assumed he mind-melded with you. It is the Vulcan way, when the body's end is near.

Kirk: We were separated... He couldn't touch me.

Sarek: I see. Then, everything he was... everything he knew... is lost.

[Sarek turns to go]

Kirk: Please wait. He would have found a way. If there were that much at stake, Spock would have found a way.

Sarek: Yes. But how?

Kirk: What if he joined with someone else?

Kirk: Unit two, this is unit one. The Kobayashi Maru has set sail for the promised land. Acknowledge.

Chekov: [on communicator] Message acknowledged. All units will be informed.

McCoy: You're taking me to the promised land?

Kirk: What are friends for?

Sulu: One minute to space doors.

McCoy: Are you just gonna walk through them?

Kirk: Calm yourself, Doctor.

Kirk: USS Enterprise Captain's Personal Log: With most of our battle damage repaired we're almost home. Yet I feel uneasy and I wonder why? Perhaps it is the emptiness of this vessel. Most of our training crew have been reassigned. Lt. Saavik and my son David are exploring the Genesis planet which he helped create and Enterprise feels like a house with all the children gone. No more empty even then that. The death of Spock is like an open wound. It seem that I have left the most noblest part of myself back there on that newborn planet.

Kirk: [Sarek angrily confronts Kirk about Spock] Ambassador. I would had come to Vulcan to express my deepest sympathies.

Sarek: Spare me your human platitutes, Kirk. I have been to your government and I've seen the Genesis information and your report.

Kirk: Then you know how bravely your son met his death.

Sarek: Why did you leave him on Genesis? Spock trusted you! and you denied him his future.

Kirk: I saw no future.

Sarek: Only his body was in death, Kirk! and you were the last one to be with him.

Kirk: Yes! I was.

Sarek: And you must know that you should had to come with him to Vulcan.

Kirk: But - why?

Sarek: Because he asked you too! He entrusted you! With his very esscence. With everything that was not of the body. He asked you to bring him to us and to bring that which he gave you. His Katra. His living spirit.

Kirk: Sir. Your son meant to me more than you could know. I would had given my life if I could save his. Believe me when I tell you, he made no request of me.

Sarek: He would not had spoken of it openly.

Kirk: Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!

Kirk: What does God need with a starship?

McCoy: Jim, what are you doing?

Kirk: I'm asking a question.

"God": Who is this creature?

Kirk: Who am I? Don't you know? Aren't you God?

Sybok: He has his doubts.

"God": You doubt me?

Kirk: I seek proof.

McCoy: Jim! You don't ask the Almighty for his ID!

"God": Then here is the proof you seek.

[Shoots Kirk with lightning]

Kirk: Why is God angry?

Sybok: Why? Why have you done this to my friend?

"God": He doubts me.

Spock: You have not answered his question. What does God need with a starship?

"God": [shoots Spock with lightning; then addresses McCoy] Do you doubt me?

McCoy: I doubt any God who inflicts pain for his own pleasure.

Kirk: Damn it Spock! God damn it!

Spock: Captain, what have I done?

Kirk: What you've done is betray every man on this ship!

Spock: Worse I've betrayed you. I do not expect you to forgive me.

Kirk: Forgive you? I oughta knock you on your goddamned ass!

Spock: If you think it would help.

McCoy: Do you want me to hold him, Jim?

Kirk: You stay out of this! Why, Spock, why? All you had to do is pull the trigger!

Spock: If I had done that Sybok would be dead.

Kirk: I ordered you to defend your ship!

Spock: You ordered me to kill my brother.

Kirk: But the man may be a fellow Vulcan but he...

Spock: No, no you do not understand. Sybok also is a son of Sarek.

Kirk: You mean he's your "brother" brother?

[Spock nods]

Kirk: You made that up.

Spock: I did not.

Kirk: You did too! Sybok couldn't possibly be your brother because I happen to know for a fact that you don't have a brother.

Spock: Technically you are right I do not have a brother.

Kirk: There! You see?

Spock: I have a half-brother.

Kirk: I gotta sit down.

Kirk: I thought I was going to die.

Spock: Not possible. You were never alone.

[Kirk moves to hug Spock, and Spock stops him]

Spock: Please, Captain, not in front of the Klingons.

Kirk: Mr. Scott, you're amazing!

Scotty: There's nothing amazing about it. I know this ship like the back of my hand.

[walks into low-hanging beam, knocks himself out cold]

McCoy: What's the matter, Jim?

Kirk: I miss my old chair.

Kirk: Go to bed, Spock. Good night, Bones.

McCoy: Good night, Jim.

Spock: Good night, doctor.

McCoy: Good night, Spock.

Spock: Good night, captain.

Kirk: [to himself] ... I don't know... I just don't know...

Spock: I've lost a brother.

Kirk: Yes. I lost a brother once. I was lucky I got him back?

McCoy: I thought you said men like us don't have families.

Kirk: I was wrong.

Kirk: Stand by to execute emergency landing plan... "B."

[a brief pause]

Chekov: What's emergency landing plan "B?"

Scotty: I don't have a clue.

Kirk: [on Comm system] "B" as in Barricade.

Scotty: He can't be serious.

Scotty: [to Kirk about ship status] Ah. All I can say is they don't make them like they used to.

Kirk: You told me you could get this ship operational in two weeks, I gave you three, what happened?

Scotty: I think you gave me too much time, Captain.

Kirk: Very well, Mr Scott. Carry on.

Scotty: Aye, sir.

[Spots a junior engineer nearby]

Scotty: How many times do I have to tell you, the right tool for the right job!

McCoy: [laughs] I don't think I've ever seen him happier.

[They enter the turbolift]

Computer: Le-le-level?

Kirk: Bridge... I hope. I could use a shower.

Spock: [looks at Kirk] Yes.

Spock: This is a new brig, Captain. It is escape-proof.

Kirk: How do you know?

Spock: The designers tested it, using the most intelligent and resourceful person they could find. He failed to escape.

Kirk: This person... he didn't by any chance have pointed ears, and an unerring capacity for getting his shipmates into trouble, did he?

Spock: He did have pointed ears.

Kirk: [responds to a tapping within the wall] What's that noise?

Spock: [tapping continues] I believe it is a primitive form of communication known as morse Code.

Kirk: You're right. I'm out of practice.

[tapping]

Kirk: That's an "S".

Spock: "T".

Kirk: "A"... "N"... "D", end of word.

McCoy: "Stand".

Kirk: New word... "B"... "A"...

Spock: "C"... "K".

McCoy: "Back". "Stand back".

Kirk, Spock, McCoy: "Stand back"?

[the wall explodes]

Scotty: [on the other side of the wall] What are you standing around for? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?

Kirk: What are you doing?

Spock: I am preparing to toast a marsh melon.

McCoy: Well, I'll be damned. A marsh melon. Where'd you learn to do that?

Spock: Before leaving the ship, I consulted the computer library to familiarize myself with the customs associated with "camping out".

McCoy: Well, tell me, Spock. What do you do after we toast the marsh - er, marsh melons?

Spock: We consume them.

McCoy: I know we consume them. I mean after that.

Spock: Oh. I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as the sing-a-long.

Uhura: [arriving to pick up Kirk from shore leave] Captain, we've received important orders from Starfleet Command.

Kirk: Why didn't you just beep my communicator?

Uhura: You 'forgot' to take it with you.

Kirk: Oh... I wonder 'why' I did that?

Kirk: I've always known I'll die alone.

McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?

Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here.

[points to his heart]

Kirk: Human heart.

Spock: [Kirk clings precariously to El Capitan] I do not believe you realize the gravity of your situation.

Kirk: [Almost slips; a rock drops] Gravity was foremost on my mind.

Spock: [after Kirk has fallen off El Capitan] Perhaps "because it is there" is not sufficient reason for climbing a mountain.

Kirk: I am hardly in a position to disagree.

[see McCoy running toward him]

Kirk: Hi, Bones! Mind if we drop in for dinner?

Kirk: [to "God"] Excuse me... Excuse me... I just wanted to ask a question. What does God need with a starship?

[Around a campfire singing "Row Row Row Your Boat"]

Kirk: Come on. Spock... Why didn't you jump in?

Spock: I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.

McCoy: It's a song, you green-blooded... Vulcan. You sing it. The words aren't important. What's important is that you have a good time singing it.

Spock: Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. Were we having a good time?

McCoy: God, I liked him better before he died.

Spock: Captain.

Kirk: Spock, we're on leave you can call me 'Jim'.

Spock: Jim.

Kirk: Yes, Spock?

Spock: Life... is not a dream.

Kirk: Go to sleep, Spock.

Kirk: Spock, my only concern is getting the ship back. When that's done and Sybok is in here, then you can debate Sha-Ka-Ree until you're green in the face.

McCoy: All that time in space, getting on each other's nerves. And what do we do when shore leave comes along? We spend it together. Other people have families.

Kirk: Other people, Bones. Not us.

Kirk: Spock?

Spock: Yes, captain?

Kirk: Be one with the horse.

Spock: Yes, captain.

McCoy: Jim... if you ask me, and you haven't, I think this is a terrible idea. We're bound to bump into the Klingons, and they don't exactly like you.

Kirk: The feeling's mutual. Engine room.

Scotty: [over the intercom] Scotty here.

Kirk: We'll need all the power you can muster, mister.

Scotty: Don't you worry, Captain. We'll beat those Klingon devils, even if I have to get out and push.

Kirk: I hope it won't come to that, Mr. Scott.

Kirk: "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer by."

McCoy: Melville.

Spock: John Masefield.

McCoy: Are you sure about that?

Spock: I am well-versed in the classics, Doctor.

McCoy: Then how come you don't know "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"?

[Spock raises his eyebrows]

[Kirk and McCoy agree to let Spock carry them up the shaft using rocket boots, only for the trio to float downwards]

Spock: It appears we're too heavy.

Kirk: Must be all those marsh melons.

[after Sybok relinquishes command of the Enterprise, Kirk decides to take Sybok, Spock and McCoy to the planet]

Kirk: Well, don't just stand there. God's a busy man!

Kirk: [to Spock, while being strangled by Sybok] PICK IT UP!

[last lines]

[around a campfire]

Kirk: [to Spock] Are you just gonna sit there and pluck that thing? Or are you gonna play something?

Spock: [starts playing]

Kirk, McCoy, Spock: [singing in canon] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream...

Starfleet Chief of Staff: Now, I know the Enterprise isn't exactly up to specs...

Kirk: With all due respect, the Enterprise is a disaster! There must be other ships in the quadrant.

Starfleet Chief of Staff: Other ships, yes. But no experienced commanders. Captain... I need Jim Kirk.

Kirk: [under his breath] Oh, please.

Starfleet Chief of Staff: Your orders are to proceed to Nimbus III, assess the situation, and avoid a confrontation if possible. But above all, however, get those hostages back safely.

Kirk: Have the Klingons responded?

Starfleet Chief of Staff: No, but you can bet they will.

Sybok: Sha-Ka-Ree... the source... Heaven... Eden... call it what you will. The Klingons call it "Qui-Tu". For the Romulans it's "Vorta Vor". The Andorian word is... is unpronouncable. Still, every culture in this galaxy shares this common dream of a place from which creation sprang. For us, that place will soon be reality.

Kirk: The only reality I see is that I'm a prisoner on my own ship. What is this power you have to control the minds of my crew?

Sybok: I don't control minds. I free them.

Sybok: What are you doing?

Kirk: In order to lower and re-raise the shields as quickly as possible, we're going to forego the tractor beam, and fly her in manually.

McCoy: *Manually*?

Sybok: How often have you done this?

Sulu: [smiles] Actually, it's my first attempt.

Kirk: [Kirk and Johnny grab Slaughter, and get his gun] Now don't try anything, Slaughter... Johnny here hasn't missed in a long time, and he hates niggers much more than me.

Slaughter: [Kirk has Slaughter in the back of the car] I'm gonna kill you, sucker.

Kirk: [Smiling] Yeah, sure you are.

Kirk: [Kirk forces Slaughter and Marcia to drive over the cliff] Last chance, niggers... Over the cliff.

Kirk: [to Marcia after she starts up the car that will go over a cliff] Straight road, sweetheart... One way street, you and your daddy are going for a swim.

Kirk: [to Marcia, smiling and puffing a cigar] Never trust a cop, sweetheart.

Kirk: [to Duncan at the pool when he sees Harry] Is that our boy?

Duncan: That's him... But it's gotta be clean.

Kirk: Only way to fly.

[Kirk jumps in the pool, and drowns Harry]

Punk on bus: [Playing loud music on the bus]

Kirk: Excuse me.

Punk on bus: [He ignores him]

Kirk: Excuse me. Would you mind stopping that noise?

Punk on bus: [He turns it up louder]

Kirk: [louder and firmer] Excuse me! Would you mind stopping that damn noise?

Punk on bus: [He flips him off]

Kirk: [He looks at Spock]

Spock: [He gives the punk the Vulcan neck-pinch, followed by the delighted applause of the grateful bus passengers]

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me! You're from outer space.

Kirk: No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space.

Kirk: [Explaining Spock's odd behavior] Oh, him? He's harmless. Back in the sixties, he was part of the free speech movement at Berkeley. I think he did a little too much LDS.

Dr. Gillian Taylor: LDS?

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Do you guys like Italian?

Spock: No.

Kirk: Yes.

Spock: No.

Kirk: [at Spock] No, Yes.

Spock: No.

Kirk: Yes, I love Italian...

[looks at Spock]

Kirk: And so do you.

Spock: Yes.

Kirk: Spock, where the hell's the power you promised?

Spock: One damn minute, Admiral.

[after landing and cloaking a Klingon spaceship in Golden Gate Park]

Kirk: Everybody remember where we parked.

Kirk: Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program?

Spock: Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so... I will make a guess.

Kirk: A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary.

Spock: [to Dr. McCoy] I don't think he understands.

McCoy: No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts.

Spock: Then you're saying...

[pause]

Spock: It is a compliment?

McCoy: It is.

Spock: Ah. Then, I will try to make the best guess I can.

McCoy: Please do.

Spock: [in response to Kirk pawning his antique spectacles from The Wrath of Khan] Excuse me, Admiral. But weren't those a birthday gift from Dr. McCoy?

Kirk: And they will be again, that's the beauty of it.

[to the Antique Store Owner]

Kirk: How much?

Antique Store Owner: Well, they'd be worth more if the lenses were intact. I'll give you one hundred dollars for them.

Kirk: [pause] Is that a lot?

Kirk: Out of the way...

Shore Patrolman: Sorry, Doctor, I have strict orders...

Dr. Gillian Taylor: [Gillian moans in pain]

McCoy: My God, man. Do you want an acute case on your hands? This woman has immediate postprandial, upper-abdominal distention. Now, out of the way! Get out of the way!

[They enter the operating room]

Kirk: What did you say she has?

McCoy: Cramps.

Chekov: Admiral. We have found the nuclear wessel.

Kirk: Well done, Team two.

Chekov: And Admiral... it is the *Enterprise*.

[Kirk and Spock look at each other]

Kirk: Understood.

Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth.

Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?

Spock: Yes.

Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.

Disgruntled guy in car: Hey, why don't ya watch where you're going, ya dumb-ass!

Kirk: Well, uh, double dumb-ass on you!

Dr. Gillian Taylor: He's just gonna hang around the bushes while we eat?

Kirk: [shrugs] It's his way.

McCoy: You sure this is such a bright idea?

Kirk: What do you mean?

McCoy: [referring to Spock] I mean him! Back at his post like nothing happened. I don't know if you got the whole picture or not, but he's not quite operating on all thrusters!

Kirk: It'll come back to him.

McCoy: Are you sure?

[Kirk doesn't answer]

McCoy: That's what I thought.

Kirk: If we play our cards right, we may be able to find out when those whales are being released.

Spock: How will playing cards help?

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Don't tell me you don't use money in the 23rd Century.

Kirk: Well, we don't.

Gillian: You're not from the military are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes or some dipshit stuff like that?

Kirk: No, ma'am. No dipshit.

Gillian: Well, good. That was one thing, I would have dropped you off right here.

Spock: Gracie is pregnant.

[Gillian brakes to a sudden stop]

Gillian: All right, who are you? And don't jerk me around anymore, I want to know how you know that!

Kirk: We can't tell you.

Gillian: But...

Kirk: Please, just let me finish. I can tell you that we're not in the military and that we intend no harm to the whales. In fact, we may be able to help - in ways that, frankly, you couldn't possibly imagine.

Gillian: Or believe, I'll bet.

Kirk: Very likely.

[about 20th Century America]

Kirk: This is an extremely primitive and paranoid culture.

Spock: Admiral, may I ask you a question?

Kirk: Spock, don't call me "Admiral". You used to call me Jim. Don't you remember, "Jim"?

Spock: [He gives a blank look]

Kirk: [He gives up] What's your question?

[the crew is on a shuttlecraft pondering what their new starship will be]

Sulu: ...I'm counting on the *Excelsior*.

Scotty: The *Excelsior*? Why in God's name would you want that bucket of bolts?

Kirk: A ship is a ship.

Scotty: Whatever you say so.

[pause]

Scotty: Thy will be done.

[the new starship USS *Enterprise* 1701-A emerges into view]

Kirk: My friends.

[pause]

Kirk: We've come home.

Shore Patrolman: How's the patient, doctor?

Kirk: He's gonna make it.

Shore Patrolman: He? You came in with a she.

Kirk: One little mistake...

Kirk: Our mission? Spock, you're talking about the end of every life on Earth! You're half human.

[pause]

Kirk: Haven't you got any goddamn feelings about THAT?

Kirk: May fortune favor the foolish.

[Kirk is pacing back and forth, considering a below-decks room in the Klingon ship for possible whale transport]

Kirk: Scotty, how long is this bay?

Scotty: About sixty feet, Admiral.

Kirk: Can you enclose it to hold water?

Scotty: [laughs] I suppose I could. You planning to take a swim?

McCoy: [sourly] Off the deep end, Mr. Scott!

Kirk: We got to find some humpbacks.

Scotty: Humpbacked... people?

Kirk: Whales, Mr. Scott, whales!

[Gillian has just beamed aboard the Klingon ship for the first time]

Kirk: Hello, Alice. Welcome to "Wonderland".

Kirk: You're not exactly catching us at our best.

Spock: That much is certain.

Kirk: This is good-bye?

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Why does it have to be good-bye?

Kirk: Well, like they say in your century, I don't even have your telephone number.

McCoy: You're going to try time traveling in this rustbucket?

Kirk: Well, we've done it before.

McCoy: Sure, you slingshot around the Sun, pick up enough speed - You're in time warp. If you don't, you're fried.

Kirk: I prefer it to nothing.

McCoy: I prefer a dose of common sense! You're proposing that we go backwards in time, find humpback whales, then bring them foward in time, drop 'em off, and hope to Hell they tell this probe what to do with itself!

Kirk: That's the general idea.

McCoy: Well, that's crazy!

Kirk: You've got a better idea?

[pause]

Kirk: Now's the time.

[last lines]

[on the bridge of the new Enterprise]

Sulu: Helm ready, Captain.

Kirk: All right, Mr. Sulu. Let's see what she's got.

Kirk: You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays attention to you unless you swear every other word. You'll find it in all the literature of the period.

Spock: For example?

Kirk: Oh the collected works of Jacqueline Susann. The novels of Harold Robbins...

Spock: Ah, the "Giants".

Spock: Ready to engage computer, Admiral.

Kirk: What's our target in time?

Spock: Late twentieth century.

Kirk: Can you be more specific?

Spock: Not with this equipment. I've had to program some of the variables from memory.

Kirk: What are some of the variables?

Spock: The availability of fuel components, mass of the vessel through a time continuum, and probable location of humpback whales - in this case, the Pacific Basin.

Kirk: And you programmed all that from memory?

Spock: I have.

McCoy: Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!

Spock: [recognizing the quote] Hamlet, Act One, Scene Four.

Kirk: [smiling] No doubt about your memory, Spock. Engage computers. Prepare for warp speed.

Kirk: [Trying to revive Mr. Checkov] Pavel, talk to me

[pause]

Kirk: Name! Rank!

Chekov: [groggily] Chekov, Pavel. Rank

[pause]

Chekov: Admiral!

Chekov: Cloaking device now available on all flight modes.

Kirk: I'm impressed - That's a lot of work for a short voyage.

Chekov: We are in an enemy wessel, sir. I did not wish to be shot down on our way to our own funeral.

Kirk: Good thinking.

Kirk: They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all.

Gillian: "Whales Weep Not" - D. H. Lawrence.

[Captain Kirk and his crew prepare to time warp in order to retrieve Humpback whales from the past; via sling-shooting around the sun]

Kirk: [to himself] May fortune favor the foolish...

[normal voice]

Kirk: Warp speed, Mister Sulu.

Sulu: Aye, sir. Warp speed.

[the captured Klingon Vessel speeds up at warp speed]

Sulu: [silence in the cockpit; nonchalantly] Warp two... warp three.

Kirk: [uneasy] Steady as she goes...

Sulu: Warp four...

[a metallic reading plate slips off of Spock's desk. Spock reaches for it, but it falls into the grate. As the ship gets closer and closer to the sun, the interior of the Klingon vessel begins to vibrate gradually]

Sulu: Warp five...

[Another metallic reading plate slips off of Uhura's communications desk; clattering to the floor]

Sulu: Warp six...

[several objects fall to the floor noisily in the background as the ship's alarms go off]

Sulu: Warp seven... warp eight...

Chekov: Sir... heat shield's at maximum!

Sulu: [over the alarms] warp NINE! Time warp two, Time warp three...

Kirk: [over the noise] We need to break away the speed.

Sulu: [literally shouting over the alarms] Time warp five, Time warp six, Time warp seven, Time warp eight...

[a screen bursts into shatters due to the pressure from the sun; Uhura screams. Kirk, Chekov, McCoy and Spock immediately turn their heads toward Uhrua's direction]

Cmdr. Uhura: [over the noise] I'm fine... I'm all right.

[Kirk lets out a sigh of relief; steam hisses as the ceiling cracks; the window shows that they are getting really close to the sun]

Kirk: [shouts] NOW MISTER SULU!

[the ship successfully maneuvers around the sun]

Federation Council president: The Council is now in session. If you will all take your seats. Bring in the accused.

[Spock leaves his seat and he moves at side of Kirk]

Federation Council president: Captain Spock, you do not stand accused.

Spock: Mister President, I stand with my shipmates.

Federation Council president: As you wish. The charges and specifications are: conspiracy, assault on Federation Officers, theft of Federation Property namely the Starship Enterprise, sabotage of the U.S.S. Excelsior, wilful destruction of Federation Property specifically the aforementioned U.S.S. Enterprise, and finally disobeying direct orders of the Starfleet Commander. Admiral Kirk, how do you plead?

Kirk: On behalf of all of us, Mister President, I am authorised to plead guilty.

Federation Council president: So entered. Because of certain mitigating circumstances, all charges but one are summarily dismissed. The remaining charge, disobeying orders of a superior officer is directed solely at Admiral Kirk. I'm sure the Admiral will recognise the necessity of keeping discipline in any chain of command.

Kirk: I do, sir.

Federation Council president: James T. Kirk. It is the judgment of this Council that you be reduced in rank to Captain, and that as a consequence of your new rank, you be given the duties for which you have repeatedly demonstrated unswerving ability: the command of a starship.

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Where you fellas headed?

Kirk: Back to San Francisco.

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Came all the way down here to jump in and swim with the kiddies, huh?

Kirk: [shrugs] ... Very little point in my trying to explain.

Dr. Gillian Taylor: Yeah, I'll buy that.

Kirk: Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

Stainer: Nooo, no. I hate her. In fact, the day you broke up with her I marked that down on my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm going to celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, we smash it.

Jack: Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.

Stainer: OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.

Jack: Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.

Kirk: "Anything is possible"?

Devon: Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.

Stainer: Such as?

Devon: Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.

Jack: Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.

Stainer: All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.

Jack: OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.

Stainer: They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.

Jack: Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

Stainer: He's the master of space and time. He knows about black holes and shit.

Devon: What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger.

Stainer: He knows about wine. And he has a french accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.

Devon: Wait a second... The Beast.

Stainer: Who?

Devon: The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.

Stainer: OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.

Devon: You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.

Stainer: Power of love.

Jack: Very... perfect.

Kirk: Beautiful.

Devon: Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.

Mr. Fuller: Thanks for coming in Kirkner.

Kirk: Sorry I'm late Fuller.

Mr. Fuller: You better have a damn good excuse.

Kirk: Nope.

Mr. Fuller: Take a second? Make something up?

Kirk: Nope

Mr. Fuller: Interesting.

Kirk: Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?

Devon: Cause I thought you had.

Kirk: No. We're just in a sticky wicket.

Stainer: A "sticky wicket"?

Kirk: Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

Stainer: And how many times have you called her?

Kirk: Five.

Stainer: And how many times have you really called her?

Kirk: Seventeen.

Stainer: It's done. Tao of Love.

Kirk: What?

Stainer: That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.

Kirk: No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.

Stainer: Tina Jordan does.

Kirk: Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

Stainer: She was my Molly.

Kirk: You never mentioned her.

Stainer: I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.

Kirk: That's what that was? You said you had mono.

Stainer: Yeah. Mono of the heart.

Jack: OK, my God, how's your vagina?

Stainer: Shut up, Jack!

Kirk: Patty's not a bitch, she's uh... different.

Stainer: Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.

Stainer: Okay, anyway... I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.

Devon: Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.

Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.

Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point cause he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.

Stainer: But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.

Kirk: Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?

Stainer: Oh, I don't know, except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.

Jack: Five.

Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.

Kirk: Where do you get this shit?

Stainer: Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.

Jack: [chuckles] Oh. Not even you, huh?

Stainer: I'm a six! OK?

Jack: Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?

Stainer: You're an eight.

Jack: OK, you're a six then.

Stainer: But I get a one point bump cause I'm in a band.

Kirk: Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oats cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deduction.

Stainer: Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.

Kirk: What about your crappy car?

Stainer: Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.

Jack: Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?

Stainer: Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's right next to "fuck you!"

Devon: I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.

Jack: My God. What are you... Are you Hannah Montanna? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.

Stainer: But he drives a shit box so you have to deduct a point.

Kirk: What is wrong with my neon?

Stainer: Oh I don't know except the people who make that car don't even like it.

Molly: You think I'm too perfect? So you were hoping there was something wrong with me so you could be with me?

Kirk: Look at the evidence, Molly. I'm unattractive, I'm out of shape, I'm uncoordinated, I've never been to Europe, I'm not a college graduate, I drive a Neon.

Molly: I like your Neon.

Kirk: Oh come on, Molly, look at me. I'm a 5. This is a 5. Hard 5. You can't jump more than two points. It's the Tao of Love. Everybody knows that. Even if you were a 9 and I was in a band. But no, you're a hard 10.

Molly: What are you talking about?

Kirk: Do you even know how hot you are? No, you probably think that everybody gets free shit everywhere they go and everybody's happy and nice to each other in shiny happy hot town with you and all your hot friends and ex boyfriends, but I hate to break it to you, it's not the same for the rest of us.

Molly: Okay, Kirk. You clearly have some major self-esteem issues.

Kirk: You lied about me to your parents right in front of me!

Molly: No I didn't!

Kirk: "Kirk's in aviation?" That's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shit at the circus is in show business. No, he's just the elephant shit guy. That's me. I'm that guy.

Kirk: This is when you say Hi Molly.

Dylan: Who are you?

Kirk: She is Molly.

Ron: Why is she here?

Kirk: She came with me.

Dylan: Did you hit her car or something?

Kirk: Jesus... No but thank you for asking.

Dylan: Are you a social worker?

Molly: Nope

Dylan: Aw shit are we being evicted?

Dylan: Are you a hooker?

Debbie: Dylan!

Dylan: Or a prostitute I mean?

Stainer: Kirk that Molly girl is insanely hot.

Kirk: Yeah I know.

Stainer: So you know whats happening? She is setting you up with the bitchy friend. Which will be perfect for you because you like bitches.

Kirk: That's fine Patty is not a bitch. She's... uh... just different.

Stainer: Yeah different in that she is a bitch and other people aren't.

Devon: Hey did she say anything about Wendy thinking I'm hot?

Kirk: No.

Devon: Shoot, I wonder if she is on Facebook?

Kirk: Devin you're on Facebook?

Devon: Yeah... I got like 37 friends.

Kirk: How is this not gay?

Devon: I think there is nothing gay about it. The fact you are letting a straight married man shave your testicles. I think that makes you one of my most macho guys alive.

Molly: You know what, Kirk? Maybe you're right. Maybe you are a 5. You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point. Every time someone walks into a room, you compare yourself to them. Deduct a point. You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it. Deduct a point. Um, how are we doing? Oh, oh yeah! Hoping that I have a defect that you can work with? Deduct whatever's left.

Kirk: I'm out of here. Webbed fucking feet, are you kidding me?

Molly: KIRK!

Kirk: Hey, do me a favor. Tell "foot long" I say hi.

Molly: He's my EX boyfriend, Kirk. EX. And do you even know why we broke up?

Kirk: Why, because you guys couldn't decide which one of you was hotter?

Molly: No, because he behaved EXACTLY like you're behaving right now. He couldn't handle it. He thought I was perfect. He had me on a pedestal that I couldn't possibly live up to! Oh, and one other little thing? He cheated on me! And so after that I said to myself I am not going to date guys like that anymore.

Kirk: Guys like that? So, what? You're just, you're going to date guys like me?

Molly: Is that what you want to hear? That I asked you out because I thought you were safe?

Kirk: Yeah, please, keep going.

Molly: That I thought that a guy who looks like you wouldn't hurt me? Is that what you want to hear, Kirk? Are you happy now?

Kirk: Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

[walks out]

Kirk: Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, cause the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you.

[pulls out earring box]

Kirk: What do you think?

Stainer: Aww, man, it's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.

Devon: I think it's really pretty. How's it work?

[opens box]

Devon: Oh...

Jack: What the hell is that?

Kirk: I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

Stainer: No, no, I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, I'm gonna smash it. OK? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.

Kirk: I thank you. But, I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk: I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.

Jack: Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?

Kirk: What?

Jack: You're a moodle.

Kirk: A moodle?

Jack: A man poodle. Girls, they wanna take you out on a walk. They wanna feed you, they wanna cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.

Stainer: No one would ever fuck a moodle.

Jack: No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you wanna get Marney back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

Devon: Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

Stainer: [holding earring box] Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?

Kirk: I've seen what is out there and I don't think it gets any better.

Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

Kirk: I went out on 4 different dates. With 3 girls and that guy... I... I don't know what his intentions were but it is fine. We had a great conversation. He was just looking for a friend.

Kirk: She is coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday.

Stainer: That takes care of that, 20 minutes with your family and she will file a restraining order. We're safe.

Devon: Hey did she say anything about Wendy? You know... like about me?

Kirk: Hello?

Patty: Who's this?

Kirk: I don't know, maybe the guy with the new iPhone. Who's this?

Patty: Ah, I don't know, maybe your worst fucking nightmare...

Stainer: Hey, Kirk, um, my shift doesn't start for another half-hour, but, I was so excited, so uh, I came early.

Jack: Yeah, and it was weird, he said he was really excited, and so he came early.

Stainer: Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? You're so excited about something that, you come early, you know?

Kirk: Jesus Christ Devon, you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much.

Stainer: [referring to the preceding conversation between Marnie and Kirk] So she's taking HER new boyfriend to Branson with YOUR parents.

Kirk: [nodding]

Stainer: I don't know whether to laugh... or cry.

Museum Director: Can I see your invitation?

Kirk: Can I see your invitation?

Devon: Probably not the best thing to say to the Museum Director.

Kirk: What is he? A dog or a fucking horse?

Kirk: I come in peace.

Kirk: That is, without doubt, the sluttiest girl I have ever seen.

Glen: You have to do her, and while you're doing her, think of me. Okay that sounded gay.

Kirk: If anyone's lost a pair of balls we have found them. Wait, there's a name here. Dizzy Harrison, please pick your balls up and scrotum, that's balls and scrotum at counter 5.

Music Store Employee(Seth): That's my microphone!

Kirk: My dad loves this bike more than he loves me.

Dizzy: That's not true.

Kirk: Yeah it is. He wrote it in my birthday card.

Courtney: Before I met Gil, I probably would've just looked at you with disgust and walked away wiggling my ass just so you'd know what you were missing.

Kirk: Yeah, well, the universe is upside down.

Courtney: And in a few minutes, you will be too.

Kirk: Nicholas was 'bad,' in a good way

Betty Hapschatt: Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it.

Kirk: R.I.P., Betty. You're off the air.

Kirk: If you see them, you tell them that I love them very much and I want to see them again and that they are very nice, very attractive boys.

Mike 'The Torch' Delroy: Put that gun away!

Peter 'Junior' Potter Jr.: Let that be the thought for today.

Kirk: I ought to blow out his yellow liver.

Peter 'Junior' Potter Jr.: Blow out my liver, you'd mess up the onions.

Mike 'The Torch' Delroy: Put it away!

Peter 'Junior' Potter Jr.: Yeah, give me back my yellow liver, it matches my spine.

Mike 'The Torch' Delroy: You know I don't believe in shooting.

Kirk: Someday you'll be sorry you're so tenderhearted.

Peter 'Junior' Potter Jr.: As I always say, tender heart never won tender liver.

[Kirk walks away]

Peter 'Junior' Potter Jr.: I guess I was pretty stern with him.

Colonel Montford: What if it wasn't a beast at all, but a cunning murderer? Someone who bore a grudge against one of these men. To misdirect the authorities, he kills the men, and then he tears up the bodies to make it look like a wild beast was responsible?

Constable Nye: Ridiculous! Who would go to such lengths?

Kirk: What about that gypsy dancing bear? It could have done it.

Colonel Montford: That mangy thing? Kill three men? I doubt it.

Reverend Fisk: I saw the bodies with my own eyes. Unnatural wounds. Most unnatural. Made by a fell creature I'd say.

Kirk: Damn gypsies wandering the countryside bringing their woe and deviltry with them. They show up and two weeks later *this* happens! My guess is Ben Talbot went to their camp to have it off with a gypsy whore. The bear gets hold of him, and they dump what's left of him in the ditch!

MacQueen: Got nothing to do with the gypsies.

[Everyone turns to look at MacQueen]

MacQueen: Twenty-five years ago now, me Pa found. Quinn Noddy and all his flock. Brains and guts and God-knows-what lying all over the moor for a quarter mile. And, Quinn, the look on his face. Like he'd been eaten alive. Whatever did it was big, had claws, and didn't mind a load of buckshot. After that me Pa went home and melted down me Ma's wedding spoons and cast silver bullets on 'em. Wouldn't leave the house on a full moon from then on.

Kirk: [after a short pause] I still say that bear's to blame.

Kirk: [Talking to each other privately] Our fans are loyal die hard fans are very life like and expect to see certain things and they want to give them what they want and if we deviate from that because one disappointed fan can turn to two four to eight and on and on, and then we're playing to a half empty hall so while I understand you want to do "your own thing", and I admire it in some small way, if you want to stay with Steel Dragon, you're going to have to reconcile with yourself to do the "Steel Dragon" thing", and the "Steel Dragon" thing" is A.C. and I write the songs, and you sing the songs we write, are we clear?

[from interviews after Chris/Izzy has quit Steel Dragon]

Kirk: Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's much ado about nothing isn't it? There's still four of us left. We're the original four. We're not going anywhere.

A.C. - Drummer, Steel Dragon: Look for the last time I don't give a fuck where he is and I don't really care if I ever see that little bastard again.

Mats, Steel Dragon Road Manager: He said to me, um, I need to take a piss. That's it. Uh, "Mats", he said, "I really need a piss."

Chris: I just think one day I realized it wasn't for me anymore. You know? Just wearing the clothes and singing the songs. It just didn't feel right. I just wanted to find myself. Find my own music.

Reporter: So Izzy... how do you keep your voice is such fine shape?

Chris: Well, my choir teacher gave me a lot of lessons...

Kirk: [interrupting] He eats a lot of pussy.

Chris: Oh yeah, I eat a lot of pussy... tons...

Kirk: Buckle up buddy. You're in for the ride of your life.

Jerry: Hi, Mister. Would you fill 'er up, please?

Old Man: I got no gas.

Franklin: What? You're all out of gas?

Old Man: My tank's empty! Transport woun't be here until late this afteroon. Mayby not even 'til tomorrow morning.

Franklin: Hey, do you know where the old Franklin place is?

Old Man: The old Franklin place?

Franklin: Yeah, it's an old two-story rock house that sitting up on a hill. I thought it might be back on that road someplace, but I'm not really sure.

Old Man: Uh... yeah, maybe I've seen something like that up that way. Well now look, you boys don't want to go messin' around some old house. Those things is dangerous. You're liable to get hurt.

Kirk: We'll be careful.

Old Man: No, seriously. You don't want to go fooling around other folks' property. If some folks don't like it... they don't mind showing you.

Kirk: So, where you heading, man?

Hitchhiker: South.

Franklin: You work at that place? The slaughter house?

Hitchhiker: Uh... no.

Sally: How'd you get stuck way out here?

Hitchhiker: I was at the slaughter house.

Franklin: I got an uncle who works in a slaughter house.

Hitchhiker: I used to work there. My brother did too. My grandfather too. My family's always been in meat!

Franklin: [quietly to Sally] A whole family of Draculas!

[Kirk and Pam arrive at a large hole in the ground where a pond used to be]

Kirk: This must be it. How the hell did Franklin ever get down here anyway?

Pam: Somebody must've carried him when he was little.

Kirk: Franklin never was little.

Kirk: [when approaching a slaughterhouse] What's that stench?