King Quotes in Cannonball Run II (1984)

King: How come you have a blond, blue-eyed slave?

Shiek: He's an actor. Hasn't had a series in seven years.

The Slapper: Nine.

King: I order you back to America to win the Cannonball Run. I give you one last chance because you are my only son with a driver's license.

Shiek: But, Pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year.

King: So, buy one.

King: [Robbins limps into his newly assigned living quarters] Wipe your feet.

Robbins: Huh?

King: Wipe your feet! The average bare foot carries over six million germs.

Robbins: [Looks down] Wow, we're talking over 1.2 billion then, huh?

King: [Saves Tina's life from lioness]

Tina: [King comes to Tina] King! I knew you loved me. You saw King chose me. He's mine!

King: [Coming to Tina]

Tina: Stay away from her. You naughty thing.

King: [Mounting King]

Tina: King will see me home. He really loves me.

Christine: Now your beginning to see?

Robert Hayward: If I hadn't seen it... Well, I wouldn't have believed it. It's like witchcraft.

Tina: [Riding away on King] Now do you understand King? I don't want you to have anything more to do with that nasty lioness again. Who does she think she is?

Porn Director: Hey, it's in the script.

King: Fuck the script! These girls can't read. People like to see black guys fucking white, blonde women. Here's your plot: they all just took a love drug, they've all got their clothes off, and they're fucking and sucking the shit out of each other and that's the movie you're gonna make, you got it?

Secundus: [as he overlooks the balcony] I see the kingdom, father. The whole of Stormhold.

King: And...

Secundus: *My* kingdom?

King: Maybe... Look up.

[Secundus looks up to the sky. The king looks to Septimus. Septimus smiles and pushes Secundus off the balcony. The King laughs uproariously]

King: Only he of royal blood can restore the ruby. And the one of you who does so, shall be the new king of Stormhold.

King: Who on earth are they?

Queen: I think that's our little girl!

King: That's not little, that's a really big problem! Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?

Queen: Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...

Shrek: Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches!

Princess Fiona: But they're my parents!

Shrek: Hello, they locked you in a tower!

Princess Fiona: Hey, that was for my own...

King: Good! Now's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.

Queen: Harold! We have to be...

Shrek: Quick, while they're not looking, we can make a run for it!

Princess Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...

King: A disaster! There's no way...

Princess Fiona: You can do this.

Shrek: But I really...

King: Really...

Queen: Really...

Shrek: Don't...

Princess Fiona: Want...

Queen: To...

Shrek: Be...

King: He-ere.

[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]

Queen: Harold!

Princess Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona...

King: Fiona!

Princess Fiona: Mom!

Queen: Harold!

Donkey: [happily] Donkey!

Cedric: Can I help you, your majesty?

King: Ah, yes, um... Mmm, exquisite. What do you call this dish?

Cedric: That would be the dog's breakfast, your majesty.

King: Ah, yes! Very good, uh... Carry on, Cedric.

[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]

Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...

Queen: Harold...

Pinocchio: Is he... oh...

[there's a "ribbit"]

Gingerbread Man: He croaked...

[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]

Queen: ...Harold?

Princess Fiona: ...Dad?

King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...

Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!

Shrek: Donkey!

King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?

[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]

Queen: Harold...

King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...

Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...

King: [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!

Princess Fiona: Dad, it's alright, it's alright. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.

Donkey: Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?

Fairy Godmother: Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don't want to do.

King: What... Where are we?

Fast Food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?

Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy.

Fairy Godmother: He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused WOLF telling him that HIS princess is already married!

King: Well, it wasn't my fault - he didn't get there in time!

[the king enters Puss' room; it is dark, and only Puss' eyes and boots are visible]

Puss-in-Boots: Who dares enter my room?

King: Sorry - I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre problem.

Puss-in-Boots: You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.

King: Will this do?

[the king throws a bag full of money on the table; Puss opens it with his sword]

Puss-in-Boots: You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.

Queen: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.

Princess Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Don't you, honey?

Shrek: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...

Donkey: What?

[laughs]

Donkey: I know you ain't talking about the swamp.

Shrek: Donkey!

King: An ogre from a swamp. How original.

Queen: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.

[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]

Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

King: Indeed! I just started eating.

[King Harold turns up with two cups of tea - the one for Fiona filed with love potion... ]

King: Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here - how about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball...

Princess Fiona: I'm not going.

King: B-b-but the whole kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage!

Princess Fiona: There's just one problem - that's not my husband. I mean, look at him!

[they both watch Charming, showing off in front of everyone]

King: Yes, he is a bit different, but people do change for the ones they love - you'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother...

Princess Fiona: *Change*? He's completely lost his mind!

King: Darling, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance - I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek...

Princess Fiona: But it's the *old* one I fell in love with, Dad - I'd give anything to have him back...

[she reaches for her tea... ]

King: [taking her cup] Darling, that's mine! Decaf... otherwise I'm up all night!

[Fiona drinks the normal cup of tea]

Fairy Godmother: Harold, you were supposed to give her the potion!

King: Well, I guess gave her the wrong tea.

King: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...

Shrek: Ogres! Yes!

Queen: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?

King: Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young!

Princess Fiona: Dad!

Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in a tower!

Princess Fiona: Shrek, please!

King: I only did that because I love her!

Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!

King: I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.

Queen: You are more that man now than you ever were, warts and all.

Queen: Harold!

Princess Fiona: Shrek!

Shrek: Fiona!

King: Fiona!

Princess Fiona: Mom!

Princess Fiona: Harold!

Donkey: Donkey!

King: How did you become high priest?

High Priest: I'm your brother-in-law.

[Arthur successfully pulls the sword out of the stone and defeat two of Mathazars soldiers into submission]

Betameche: You fought like a prince!

Arthur: [admiring and examining the sword] When I was fighting with it, it was really light, like it's magic...

Betameche: [excitedly] Yes, it is a magical sword. It has been stuck in that stone for hundreds of years. And *You're* the one who released it. Arthur, you're a hero now!

[shouts]

Betameche: Hey! Hey, everybody! We have a hero! Arthur the Hero!

Minimoy: [peaking out of a hiding place] Arthur the what?

Betameche: [cont. shouting] Arthur the Hero! Arthur the Hero! Long Live, Arthur the Hero!

King: [cheering along] Long Live, Arthur!

[the whole kingdom soon surrounds Arthur, chanting joyously]

King: [crying] My little girl...

Princess Selenia: [annoyed whisper] Father!

[the King clears his throat; regaining his composure]

King: Sorry.

[Selenia and Betameche are bickering]

King: [sternly] Selenia! Betameche! You two, stop bickering.

[Selenia and Betameche turn their backs to one another, food their arms and pout crossily]

Princess Selenia, Betameche: [in unison] Hmph!

King: You spent some time in the Italian court?

Hawkins: Why, yes. What better place to court Italians?

King: Would you grant the king a little kiss?

Jean: Oh, certainly, sire, and don't worry. They say it isn't catching.

King: Oh, you are a little... catching?

Jean: Just because it runs in the family doesn't mean that everyone has it. Kiss me, sire!

King: Has it? Has what?

Jean: Don't I please you, sire?

King: Oh, yes, yes, but, eh, these brothers and cousins and uncles...

Jean: And aunts. But let us not talk about their swollen, twisted, pain ridden bodies. Hold me, take me in your arms, tell me I am yours!

King: But this, this uh writhing on the floor...

Jean: In agony.

King: How - how does one catch this thing?

Jean: Oh, the touch of a hand, the brush of a lip, but let us not spoil this moment!

King: What is this dreadful thing called?

Jean: Breckenridge's Scourge.

King: Who's Breckenridge.

Jean: My father!

Mousequeen: [laughs] Watch this. Not one of them will break this spell.

King: [as yet another man has failed to crack the nut] Next!

Mouseking: Spells, spells, spells. Who cares about spells? Now this. This is tough.

Mousequeen: Tough?

Mousequeen: [laughs]

King: You could never serve me better, cousin. You taught me how to be a king!

King: Well, what are you doing here, cousin?

Rudolph Rassendyll: I must admit, Sire, that I may have been guilty of somewhat the same offense as our mutual ancestor.

King: Such as what?

Rudolph Rassendyll: Fishing in forbidden waters.

King: I haven't lived like a king, but perhaps I can die like one. I will not disgrace the crown I never wore.

King: Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!

King: You are very difficult woman!

King: Now, shall Mr. Lincoln be winning this war he is fighting at present?

Anna: No one knows really.

King: Well, does he have enough guns and elephants for transporting things?

Anna: I don't think they have elephants in America, your majesty.

King: No elephants? No wonder he is not winning war!

Anna: Then how do you explain, your majesty, that many men remain faithful to only one wife?

King: They are sick

King: You will order the finest gold chopsticks.

Anna: Your Majesty, chopsticks? Don't you think knives and forks would be more suitable?

King: I make mistake, the British not scientific enough to know how to use chopsticks.

King: [chanting to Buddha before banquet preparations] Help also Mrs. Anna to keep awake for scientific sewing of dresses, even though she be only a woman and a Christian and therefore unworthy of your interest!

Anna: [greatly offended, rising] Your Majesty!

King: A promise is a promise! Head must not be higher than mine! A promise!

King: You will say no more!

Anna: I will say no more, because there is no more to say!

Anna: Oh, but this is a lie!

King: [in agreement] It is a FALSE lie!

Anna: In your house she's just another woman. Like a bowl of rice is a bowl of rice no different from any other bowl of rice.

King: Now you understand about women! So, many English books talk about love etc etc etc ha!

Anna: You disapprove?

King: It is a silly complication of a general simplicity. A woman is designed for pleasing man that is all. A man is deigned to be pleased by many women

Anna: Then how do you explain, your majesty, that many men remain faithful to one wife

King: They are sick.

Anna: Oh, but you do expect women to be faithful?

King: Naturally!

Anna: Well why naturally?

King: Because it is natural. It is like old Siamese saying. A girl is like a blossom, with honey for just one man. A man is like a honey bee and gather all he can. To fly from blossom to blossom a honey must be free. But blossom must not ever fly from bee to bee to bee.

Anna: Hee hee. Oh your majesty in England we have a far different attitude. We believe for a man to be truly happy he must love one woman and one woman only.

King: This idea was invented by woman.

Anna: Oh but it's a great idea your majesty and in England we're brought up with it. When your young and at your first dance.

King: Young girl? They dance also. Like I see you in arms of stranger tonight not a husband.

Anna: Why of course!

King: I would not permit it.

Anna: Ha when your young and at your first dance, and your sitting on a small guilt chair with your eyes lowered, terrified that you'll be a wall flower. Suddenly, you see two black shoes, a white waist coat, a face, it speaks.

King: ...Pairs of male elephants to be released into the forests of America. There it is hoped that they will grow in number and the people can tame them and use them as beasts of burden.

Anna: But your majesty, I don't think you mean pairs of MALE elephants.

King: You are very difficult woman!

Anna: Perhaps so, Your Majesty.

King: When I sit, you sit. When I kneel, you kneel. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!

King: I do not remember such words.

Anna: I remember them.

King: I will do remembering!

King: You think you teach King lesson, but this is one lesson you do not be paid for teaching. In the future, you will stop instructing wives and children in silly English song "Home Sweet House". To remind me of breaking promises I never make, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Anna: Your majesty, I do not intend to have my boy brought up in a harem, and you did promise me a house; "a brick residence adjoining the palace," those were your very words in the letter.

King: [obviously does remember] I do not remember such words.

Anna: I remember them.

King: I will do remembering. Who is king here? I remind you, so you remember that? I do not remember any promises. I do not remember anything, except that you are my servant.

Anna: Oh, no, your majesty.

King: What, what, what? I said you are my servant.

Anna: No, your majesty, that is not true. I am most certainly not your servant, and what is more, if you do not give me the house you promised, I shall be forced to return to England immediately.

[children protest]

Princess Ying Yaawolak: I believe in snow!

Lady Thiang: Do not let her go away.

King: I let her do nothing that is not my pleasure. It is my pleasure that you stay here, in palace, in palace!

Anna: No, your majesty.

King: [heavy sigh] Why do you wish to leave these children, all of whom are loving you so extraordinarily?

Anna: I do not wish to leave them. I love them, too, quite extraordinarily, but I cannot stay in a country where a promise has no meaning.

King: I will hear no more about this promise!

Anna: A land where there is talk of honor and a wish for Siam to take its place among the modern nations of the world, where there is talk of great changes, but where everything still remains according to the wishes of the king.

King: You will say no more! No more!

Anna: I will say no more, because there is no more to say. Come, Louis.

[Anna and Louis leave. Children protest]

King: Out, out, OUT!

[everyone, except the King, leaves]

Anna: All properly dressed English ladies always wear undergarments.

King: I have opinion that, in this regard, England is very backward nation.

Merivel: A most lavish affair! Who is to be married?

King: Celia Clemence.

Merivel: I understood she was your mistress!

King: Then you understood right, Merivel... Miss Clemence is to be married and seemingly dispatched out of London with her husband, while in fact, I secrete her near the river in Kew - the better to sport with her unobserved... For her husband, I need a man who is far too enamored of women in general to make the mistake of loving one in particular...

Mr. King: First, you make Frank Sinatra wait for a table...

Keyes: He didn't have a jacket.

King: HE'S FRANK SINATRA! HE CAN WEAR WHATEVER HE WANTS!

[Lance and King looking at Charles Wellington's body]

Lance Barton: How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him?

King: Aw, c'mon, he looks funny to me.

Lance Barton: I already get booed, do I really have to be beat down on it?

Lance Barton: Hey I still look like me.

King: You are you.

Lance Barton: I thought I was Wellington.

King: You are Wellington.

Lance Barton: Well thanks for clearing that up.

King: I'm a friggin' angel. I can do whatever I want.

[first lines]

Mona Gray: [narrating] I used to love my dad's stories, until the one he told me on my tenth birthday.

Dad: There once was a kingdom where everybody lived forever. But the problem with nobody ever dying was that the kingdom got very crowded. And so the king, getting squeezed out of his own castle by his endless royal lineage, issued a decree.

King: [still-life cartoon] Everybody in my kingdom, please pick one person from your family to die. We will have a mass execution that will bring forth much-needed space. Sorry to bum everybody out, but that's the way it goes.

Dad: And each family showed up with their martyr, all except one family.

Father: Sire, we can't decide. We love each other so much that we would all like to die together.

Baker: Oh, no, they can't all die. They run the bakery. They make the best cinnamon buns in all the land.

Father: What if we each cut off a piece of ourselves? And with all of these pieces combined, it will be as if one less person lived in town.

King: Interesting. Hmm. Continue.

Dad: But the daughter refused.

Daughter: But, Dad, I like my limbs.

Father: Don't be selfish. Would you rather one of us die?

Son: You can have my arm.

Mother: I'll give my right ear.

Baker: I see no problem losing some of my fingers.

Father: I'll throw in my nose.

King: Guarantee me a leg, and it's a deal.

Daughter: Well, I do have another one. Okay, I'm in.

Dad: After the executioner had done the deed, the family made an unsightly sight and business went bad. So the family started selling their cinnamon buns by mail order to the next kingdom. And since no one had to look at them, they were a huge hit, and they made heaps of dough. And the father said to the daughter, "You see what we can accomplish if we all stick together?"The end.

Mona Gray: [party guests all staring at Mona's Dad] It was the last birthday party I ever had.

King: You must hate me.

Tara: I don't love you enough to hate you.

King: [to Maya] You are all I need to sweeten my tongue.

King: Sometimes, Jake, style can get you killed.

King: You're a good grifter, man. It's hard to tell when you're lying.

Jake: Even though I'm running the show for you, I'm running the show. So we're going to put an end to the Scooter, Junior, Skippy, Sport, Tiger, Booster bullshit. All right? My name is Jake.

King: [to Lily] What's your name, hon?

Jake: It's Lily.

King: Booster! Have I ever called you "hon"?

King: First thing I did was get myself a suit, right? And I looked good. It was, like, white. It was white. It was white-white.

[with rising intensity]

King: White-white-white-white-WHITE! Oh! I looked good, man.

King: [describing how he got shot in a white suit] We're checking our fingers and toes and we discover I got shot. I was the only one who got shot. You know why? White suit. I was the first one they saw, I was the first one they shot at, I was the first one they hit. You what I learned that day?

Jake: Not to wear white after Labor Day maybe?

King: You do not want to scare me, Junior.

Heather: Brenda said that you killed your girlfriend.

King: Yeah, well Brenda says a lot of things. And I believe about... none of them.

King: It's 98.6 over here baby.

[King is writing a letter to his girlfriend]

Francis: It ain't D-E-R-E, it's D-E-A-R. And "Sarah" ain't got no two R's, King. Damn, you dumb!

King: It don't make no difference. She know what I mean. She don't read too good nohow.

King: Hey, Taylor. How in the fuck you get here anyway? Why, you look educated.

Chris Taylor: I volunteered for it.

King: You did what?

Chris Taylor: I volunteered. I dropped out of college, and told them I wanted the infantry, combat, and Vietnam.

Crawford: You volunteered for this shit, man?

Chris Taylor: You believe that?

King: You's a crazy fucker, giving up college.

Chris Taylor: It didn't make much sense. I wasn't learning anything. I figured why should just the poor kids go off to war and the rich kids always get away with it?

King: Oh, I see. What we got here is a crusader.

Crawford: Sounds like it.

King: Shit. You gotta be rich in the first place to think like that. Everybody know the poor are always being fucked over by the rich. Always have, always will.

King: [while cleaning the latrines] I'm too short for this shit, man. 39 and a wake-up, a pause for the cause and I'm a gone motherfucker. Back to the world!

Crawford: Hey, I broke a hundred the other day, 92 left to go. April 17th, home to California, checkin' out the babes on the beach... the surfin's gonna be good.

King: March, man, in Tennessee... sniff the pines... sniff that cross-mounted pussy down by the river, hot damn! Hey Taylor, how many days you got left? Three hundred and what?

Chris Taylor: Thirty two. 332 days.

Crawford: Shit, I can't even remember when I was 332, man. You gotta like, count backwards or something, you know like you got 40 days in? Think positive, dude.

King: [Watching the ambush party leave into the jungle] I'm glad I ain't going with them. Somewhere out there is the beast and he hungry tonight.

Chris Taylor: Any way you cut it, Barnes is a fucking murderer.

King: Right on.

Rhah: Taylor, I remember when you first came in here telling me how much you admired the bastard.

Chris Taylor: I was wrong.

Rhah: Wrong? You ain't never been right about nothing! And dig this, you assholes, and dig it good... Barnes been shot seven times and he ain't dead. Does that mean anything to you, huh? Barnes ain't meant to die. The only thing that can kill Barnes is Barnes.

Chris Taylor: It's the way the whole thing works. People like Elias get wasted. People like Barnes just go on making up the rules any way they want. So what do we do? Sit in the middle and suck on it. We just don't add up to dry shit, King.

King: Whoever said we did, man? All you got to do is make it out of here, and it's all gravy. Every day, the rest of your life, gravy.

Rhah: What you doing in the underworld, Taylor?

King: Well, this here ain't Taylor. Taylor been shot. This man here is Chris. He been resurrected.

King: Thirty nine and a wake-up, a pause for the cause, and I'm a gone motherfucker! Back to the world!

Crawford: I hear you, man. Broke 100 the other day.

King: No shit.

Crawford: Ninety-two left to go. April 17, heroes, man. Home to California. I'll be sitting outside, checking out the babes on the beach. The surfing's gonna be good.

King: March, man, in Tennessee. Sniff the pines, sniff that cross-mounted pussy down by the river. Whoo, hot damn! Hey, Taylor, how long you got left? Three hundred and what?

Chris Taylor: Thirty-two. Three hundred and thirty-two days.

King: Xin loi, my boy!

Crawford: I can't even remember when I was 332, man. You gotta, like, count backwards or something. You know, like, you got 40 days in. I mean, think positive, dude.

King: [from subtitle]

[in the middle of the final sward combat]

King: Do you really think you can beat me?

Hong-rim: I've been cut to my roots. There is nothing left for me to fear.

Hong-rim: [from subtitle]

[He kneels on the ground, behind the king who is standing]

Hong-rim: Your Majesty. I deserve to die. I was blinded by foolish desires and betrayed and humiliated you.

[He put a special sword in front of himself on the ground, crying]

Hong-rim: This is the very sword you granted me. Please take my life with it. I shall seek your forgiveness in death.

King: [the king turns back and looks at him] You've given away something more precious than life. What good would it do to take your life, now?

King: You with the dry clothes! Let the marquis wear them!

King: [to prince] Why won't you talk?

Prince: [Smitten by Cinderella] I can't.

King: [to Cinderella] Don't believe him, he can talk! He talks very well. He even recites poetry.

Freya Neilson: How could you be so cruel?

King: I enjoyed it, my dear lady.

King: I'm strange, all right! I'll show you just how strange I am!

Alicia: What business are you in Mr. King?

King: Ah... banking. I transfer funds from, ah, one place to another.

Orozco: I would like to make you a deal, Mr. King.

King: I already got a deal.

Orozco: Look, I am a bandit and you rob banks, right?

King: Get to the point.

Orozco: So we both want the same thing - other people's money, right? So you and I are on the same side. We are amigos!

Alicia: What do you admire most in a woman?

King: Well, actually, ah, all parts. What do you look for first in a man?

Alicia: Honesty.

King: Ah... second?