Kevin Tonkinson Quotes in Mike Bassett: England Manager (2001)

Kevin Tonkinson: [having been arrested for drink-driving] It wasn't my fault, boss, I had to swerve to avoid the traffic!

Mike: Only because you were on the wrong side of the bloody road! How many milligrams did you have?

Kevin Tonkinson: 88.

Mike: 88 bloody milligrams! You go on the piss all day, you've ballooned out like the Pillsbury Doughboy! You've really let me down this time, Tonka, I'm telling you.

Kevin Tonkinson: I wrote an apology, boss!

Mike: Oh, fuck the apology! You could go to jail for this! What sort of system am I going to play then? Three across the middle and one in bloody Pentonville?

Kevin Tonkinson: Why aye! It's the England reserves!

Irish player: Shut your mouth, ya proddy bollocks!

Alan Massey: What's the accent for? You're a cockney, you mug!

Kevin Tonkinson: [naked in the pool] Here, lads we've got a jacuzzi

[farts, bubbling the water up; players laugh]

Kevin Tonkinson: And again

[farts again]

Kevin Tonkinson: Oh bollocks, I've shit meself!

[outraged, all the players walk out of the pool]