Kevin McCallister Quotes in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

Cedrick the Bellman: Do you know how the TV works?

Kevin McCallister: I'm 10 years old. TV is my life.

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.

Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.

Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.

Kevin McCallister: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.

Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.

Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.

Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.

Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.

Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

Kevin McCallister: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn't gone. If it was gone, you wouldn't be so nice.

Bird Lady: Thank you. Do you know it's been a couple of years since I've talked to anybody?

Kevin McCallister: That's okay. You're good at it. You're not boring. You don't mumble or spit. You should do it more often. Just wear an outfit with no pigeon poop on it.

Bird Lady: I have been working very hard at keeping people away.

Kevin McCallister: I don't care how much people bug me, I'd rather be with someone than alone.

Bird Lady: So what are you doing alone on Christmas Eve? You did something wrong?

Kevin McCallister: A lot of things.

Bird Lady: Did you know that a good deed erases a bad deed?

Kevin McCallister: It's late. I don't know if I'll have enough time to do enough good deeds to erase all my bad ones.

Bird Lady: It's Christmas Eve. Good deeds count extra tonight. Think of an important thing you can do for others, and go do it. Just follow the star in your heart.

Kevin McCallister: Okay... It's getting pretty late. I'd better get going. If I don't see you, I hope everything turns out okay.

Bird Lady: Thank you.

Kevin McCallister: Tell the birds I said goodbye.

Bird Lady: I will.

Kevin McCallister: If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I won't forget to remember you.

Bird Lady: Don't make promises you can't keep.

Kevin McCallister: You guys give up? Have you had enough pain?

Marv: Nevah!

Harry: [Shakes head at Marv]

Kevin McCallister: You can mess with a lot of things, but you can't mess with kids on Christmas.

Kevin McCallister: Don't you know a kid always wins against two idiots?

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: You see that tree there? Well, to show our appreciation for your generosity, I'm gonna let you select an object from that tree that you can take home with you.

Kevin McCallister: For free?

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: Oh, yes. Oh, and may I make a suggestion? Take the turtle doves.

Kevin McCallister: I can have two?

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: Well, two turtle doves. I'll tell you what you do: you keep one, and you give the other one to a very special person. You see, turtle doves are a symbol of friendship and love. And as long as each of you has your turtle dove, you'll be friends forever.

Kevin McCallister: Wow, I never knew that. I thought they were just part of a song.

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: They are. And for that very special reason.

Peter McCallister: Hey Kevin, you better go put your tie on. We don't wanna be late for the Christmas pageant.

Kevin McCallister: My tie is in the bathroom and I can't go in because Uncle Frank is taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'd grow up never feeling like a real man.

[Peter and Kate stare]

Kevin McCallister: Whatever that means.

Peter McCallister: [after a pause, chuckles] I'm sure he was kidding. Just, uh, run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at... Anything.

Kevin McCallister: Howdy do. This is Peter McCallister, the father. I'd like a hotel room please, with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it.

Waiter: Two scoops, sir?

Kevin McCallister: Two? Make it three. I'm not driving.

Kate McCallister: [counting passports] 11, 12, 13... Where's Kevin?

Kevin McCallister: [appears in front seat and takes the last passport] Fourteen. It's a good thing I have my own ticket just in case you guys try to ditch me.

Harry: Sonny!

Kevin McCallister: Yes?

Harry: Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knocking off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Okay? But since we're in a hurry, I'll made a deal with you: you throw down your camera and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?

Kevin McCallister: You promise?

Harry: I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin McCallister: Oh no. My family is in Florida, and I'm in New York...

[Gleefully]

Kevin McCallister: My family's in Florida... I'm in... New York?

Cedric the Bellman: You know, Herbert Hoover once stayed here on this floor.

Kevin McCallister: The vacuum guy?

Cedric the Bellman: No, the President.

Kevin McCallister: Excuse me, where's the lobby?

Donald Trump: Down the hall and to the left.

Kevin McCallister: Thanks.

Kevin McCallister: It's a nice night for a neck injury.

[climbing down the rope]

Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?

Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.

Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?

[Kevin lights a match]

Kevin McCallister: Merry Christmas.

Harry: Go up!

Marv: Aaaah!

Officer Bennett: [talking to Peter McCallister, and finding out that Kevin has credit cards] We'll notify the credit card companies immediately. IF you son has the cards, we can get the location on him, *when* and if he uses them.

Kate McCallister: No, I don't think Kevin even knows how to use a credit card.

[at the Plaza Hotel, Mrs. Stone puts the credit card into payment]

Kevin McCallister: [watching in bewilderment] Wow, it worked.

Gangster Johnny on TV: You was here last night too, wasn't ya?

Girl Gangster on TV: I was singing at the Blue Monkey last night.

Kevin McCallister: She was not, she was smooching with your brother.

Gangster Johnny on TV: You was here. And you was smoochin' with my brother!

Kevin McCallister: See?

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: I do hope your father understands that last night I was simply checking the room to make sure everything was in order.

Kevin McCallister: Well he was pretty mad.

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: He was?

Kevin McCallister: He said he didn't come all the way to New York to get his naked rear end spied on.

Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk: I'm confused.

Kevin McCallister: I'm traveling with my dad. He's at a meeting. I hate meetings. Plus I'm not allowed to go in. I can only sit in the lobby. That's boring. So he dropped me off here. He gave me his credit card and told me to give this to whoever was welcoming people in so I won't get into mischief. And ma'am, sometimes I do get into mischief. We all do!

Kevin McCallister: I won't forget to remember you.

Bird Lady: Don't make promises you can't keep.

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny. Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.

Kevin McCallister: You promise?

Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin McCallister: Okay.

[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv in the forehead and Marv collapses to the ground]

Harry: [Holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?

Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.

Harry: [to Kevin] You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.

[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv in the forehead again]

Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.

[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv in the forehead again]

Harry: You got anymore?

[to Marv]

Harry: C'mon Marv, get up, he's outta bricks.

[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]

Harry: What?

[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv in the forehead]

Harry: C'mon Marv, get up; nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.

[to Marv]

Harry: Go in the front, I'm going around the back.

Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

Kevin McCallister: You've gotta help me. There's two guys after me.

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: What's the matter? Store wouldn't take your...

[snatches the credit card from Kevin]

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: stolen credit card? Let's see what the police have to say about this.

Kate McCallister: Why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and to the rest of the family, you can come down.

Kevin McCallister: I'm not apologizing to Buzz; I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!

Kate McCallister: Then you can stay up here the rest of the night.

Kevin McCallister: Fine, I don't wanna be down there, anyway. I can't trust anybody in this family. And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation. Alone. Without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kevin McCallister: I'm sorry. You wanted a tip.

Cedrick the Bellman: Um, that won't be necessary, sir. I still have some...

[Shows Kevin a piece of gum]

Cedrick the Bellman: tip left over.

Kevin McCallister: [takes out a bundle of cash] No tip? Okay.

[Kevin closes the door as Cedrick begs him not to close it]

Cedrick the Bellman: Uh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait...

Kevin McCallister: Boy, it's scary out there.

Cab Driver: [turns around to reveal his frightening face] Ain't much better in here, kid.

[Kevin gasps in horror and flees the cab]

Kevin McCallister: [staring at the Rockefeller Center tree] I know I don't deserve a Christmas, even if I did do a good deed. I don't want any presents. Instead, I want to take back every mean thing I ever said to my family. Even if they don't take back the things they said to me. I don't care. I love all of them... Including Buzz. I know it isn't possible to see them all. Could I just see my mother? I'll never want another thing as long as I live if I can just see my mother. I know I won't see her tonight, but promise me I can see her again. Sometime. Any time. Even if it's just once and only for a couple minutes. I just need to tell her I'm sorry.

Kate McCallister: Kevin?

Kevin McCallister: Mom?

[Turns back to the tree]

Kevin McCallister: Wow, that worked fast.

Buzz McCallister: Okay, everybody, calm down! Calm down! Hey, hey! All right, now, if Kevin hadn't have screwed up in the first place again... Then we wouldn't be in this most perfect and huge hotel room with a truck load of all this free stuff. So I think it only fair that Kevin get to open up the first present. And then I'll go, and the rest of you, and so on.

[Tosses a package to Kevin]

Buzz McCallister: Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin McCallister: Thanks, Buzz.

Peter McCallister: [the entire family applauds] Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Uncle Frank McCallister: Okaaay, Kevin! All right. Merry Christmas!

Buzz McCallister: Okay enough of this gooey sh... Show of emotion. All right, everyone, let's dig in!

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: And how are we this morning?

Kevin McCallister: Fine. Is my transportation here?

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Out in front, sir. A limosuine and a p - piz-za! Compliments of the Plaza Hotel.

Kevin McCallister: Excuse me, but this is an emergency. What city is it out there?

NY Ticket Agent: It's New York, sir.

Kevin McCallister: [Gasps] Yikes, I did it again.

NY Ticket Agent: Something's wrong, sir?

Kevin McCallister: [in shocked whisper] I'll be fine...

[Kevin looks out a window of the Plaza Hotel and sees a shining star on the top of a building as a choir sings "Christmas Star" in the background]

Kevin McCallister: Good night, Mom.

Kate McCallister: [looking out a window of the hotel in Florida, where it's raining] Good night, Kevin.

Buzz McCallister: [after making a formal apology to the family; whispers to Kevin] Beat that, you little trout sniffer.

Kevin McCallister: [gets up] I'm not sorry. I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me and since he gets away with everything, I let him have it. And since you're all so STUPID to believe his lies, I don't care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate, anyway?

[turns to leave]

Kate McCallister: Kevin!

Peter McCallister: Kevin, you walk out of here and you sleep on the third floor.

Fuller McCallister: [gleefully] Yeah, with me.

Kevin McCallister: So what else is new?

Uncle Frank McCallister: You better not wreck my trip, you little sour puss, your dad's paying good money for it.

Kevin McCallister: Oh, wouldn't wanna spoil your fun, Mr. Cheap Skate!

[Exits]

Buzz McCallister: What a troubled young man.

Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk: Can I help you?

Kevin McCallister: A reservation for McCallister?

Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk: A reservation for yourself?

Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, my feet are hardly touching the ground. I'm barely able to look over the counter. How can I make a reservation for a hotel room? Think about it. A kid coming into a hotel, making a reservation? I don't think so.

Kate McCallister: Well you got your wish last year, maybe you'll get it again this year.

Kevin McCallister: I hope so!

Cedrick the Bellman: [presents a pair of boxers] Your drawers, sir.

Kevin McCallister: [grabs them] Geez! Don't flash these babies around here; there could be girls on this floor!

Cedrick the Bellman: I was very careful, sir.

Kevin McCallister: You can't be too careful when it involves underwear.

Cedrick the Bellman: I understand.

Kate McCallister: Honey, are you packed yet?

Kevin McCallister: [records into Talk Boy] Yes.

Talk Boy: [plays back] Yes.

Kate McCallister: Everything I put out for you?

Kevin McCallister: [records into Talk Boy] Yes.

Talk Boy: [plays back] Yes.

Kevin McCallister: Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.

Kate McCallister: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?

Kevin McCallister: How could you have Christmas without a Christmas tree, Mom?

Kate McCallister: Well... Find a nice, fake silver one. Or decorate a palm tree.

Kevin McCallister: [voiceover as he's riding in a carriage's trunk] I wanna go home. Mom, where are you?

Kevin McCallister: [trying to pack up after it is discovered that he stole his dad's credit card] I'm tired of this vacation. I'm going home.

Buzz McCallister: [looking at the Chistmas tree] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

[turns around to face the family]

Buzz McCallister: I'd like to apologize to my family for whatever displeasure I may have caused you...

Kevin McCallister: What?

Buzz McCallister: My prank was immature and ill-timed.

Uncle Frank McCallister: Immature or not, it was pretty gol-darn hilarious.

[laughs while everyone else glares]

Buzz McCallister: I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.

Kate McCallister: Oh, did you see what Grandma Penelope sent you for the trip?

Kevin McCallister: Um, let me guess... Donald Duck slippers?

Kate McCallister: Close. An inflatable clown to play with in the pool.

Kevin McCallister: [sarcastically] How exciting.

Kevin McCallister: My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.

Kevin McCallister: Excuse me, sir?

Donald Trump: Yes?

Kevin McCallister: Where is the lobby?

Donald Trump: Down the hall, to the left.

Kevin McCallister: Thanks.

Check-Out Woman: Where's your mom?

Kevin McCallister: In the car.

Check-Out Woman: Where's your father?

Kevin McCallister: He's at work.

Check-Out Woman: What about your brothers and sisters?

Kevin McCallister: I'm an only child.

Check-Out Woman: Where do you live?

Kevin McCallister: I can't tell you that.

Check-Out Woman: Why not?

Kevin McCallister: Because you're a stranger.

Kevin McCallister: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.

[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]

Megan McCallister: Kevin, you're completely helpless!

Linnie McCallister: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents.

Buzz McCallister: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!

Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Frank McCallister: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.

Kevin McCallister: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.

Harry: Where did he go?

Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.

Kevin McCallister: I'm over here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

Kevin McCallister: [preparing to meet bandits and loading the rifle] This is it! Don't get scared now!

Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?

Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.

Kevin McCallister: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.

Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.

Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!

Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.

Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.

[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]

Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.

[PING!]

Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...

[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]

Marv: What?

[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]

Marv: What? What happened?

Harry: Get the little...!

[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]

Kevin McCallister: Hello.

[PING!]

Marv: AH! AHHH...!

[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]

Kevin McCallister: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!

[He runs off to prepare the next trap]

Marv: The little jerk is armed!

Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!

[He storms off, swearing under his breath]

Kevin McCallister: No offense, aren't you too old to be afraid?

Marley: You can be too old for a lot of things, but you're never too old to be afraid.

Kate McCallister: Kevin, get upstairs right now.

Kevin McCallister: Why?

Jeff McCallister: Kevin, you're such a disease.

Kevin McCallister: Shut up.

Peter McCallister: Kevin, upstairs.

Kate McCallister: Say good night, Kevin.

Kevin McCallister: "Good night, Kevin."

Kevin McCallister: [while watching "Angels With Filthy Souls"] Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

Kevin McCallister: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me?

[pouncing]

Kevin McCallister: I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

Kevin McCallister: So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.

Marley: I send her a check.

Kevin McCallister: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.

Marley: That's nice.

Kevin McCallister: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

Linnie McCallister: Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".

Kevin McCallister: What?

Kevin McCallister: Hey, I'm not afraid any more! I said I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid any more!

[Old Man Marley approaches Kevin and stares at him - Kevin runs back inside, screaming like a maniac]

Marv: Out the window?

[Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]

Marv: I'm not going out the window!

Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.

Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!

Harry: Shut up, Marv!

Kevin McCallister: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!

Harry: Huh, oh, go back!

Marv: Oh! Good!

[They start making their way back]

Marv, Harry: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!

[They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]

Kevin McCallister: This is my house, I have to defend it.

[Kevin has just caused a scene in the kitchen and Buzz has him in a headlock]

Kate McCallister: Look, stop, stop! What is the matter with you?

Kevin McCallister: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...

Frank McCallister: [wiping dregs of soda off of his pants] Look what you did, you little jerk!

[the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin]

Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?

Kevin McCallister: Sorry.

Harry: Damn!

Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.

Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.

[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]

Kevin McCallister: Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You'd better come out and pound me!

Kevin McCallister: [to Santa's helper] This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?

Kevin McCallister: I went shopping yesterday.

Jeff McCallister: You? Shopping?

Kevin McCallister: I got you milk, eggs, and fabric softener.

Peter McCallister: No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?

Kevin McCallister: Just hung around.

Buzz McCallister: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe and he's going shopping!

Kevin McCallister: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

Clerk: Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.

Kevin McCallister: Well, could you please find out?

Gangster 'Johnny': Who is it?

Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.

Gangster 'Johnny': Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.

Pizza Boy: Okay.

[leaves the pizza on the doormat]

Pizza Boy: But what about the money?

Gangster 'Johnny': What money?

Pizza Boy: [matter-of-factly but sarcastically] Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.

Gangster 'Johnny': How much do I owe ya?

Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.80, sir.

[Kevin drops the money from the dog door]

Gangster 'Johnny': Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.

[starts to leave, but is stopped by Johnny's next line]

Gangster 'Johnny': Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!

[machine gun fire; the delivery boy dashes back to his car and speeds away]

Kevin McCallister: [opens the door and brings the pizza inside] A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

Kate McCallister: [about Kevin] He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.

Peter McCallister: Didn't we talk about that?

Kevin McCallister: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.

Peter McCallister: My NEW fish hooks?

Kevin McCallister: I can't make ornaments out of the old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.

Kevin McCallister: Everyone in this family *hates* me!

Kate McCallister: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

Kevin McCallister: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!

Kate McCallister: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

Kevin McCallister: *I* don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.

Kate McCallister: [softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

Kevin McCallister: No, I wouldn't.

Kate McCallister: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.

Kevin McCallister: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

Kate McCallister: There are 15 people in this house, you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Kevin McCallister: I'm the only one getting dumped on.

Kate McCallister: You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.

Kevin McCallister: I *am* upstairs, dummy.

Kevin McCallister: The third floor?

Kate McCallister: Go.

Kevin McCallister: It's scary up there.

Kate McCallister: Don't be silly; Fuller will be up in a little while.

Kevin McCallister: I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him, he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me, I know it.

Kate McCallister: [looking disgusted] Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.

Kevin McCallister: Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.

Kevin McCallister: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including inbetween my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.

Kevin McCallister: Did anyone order me a plain cheese?

Buzz McCallister: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up, 'cause it's gone.

Kevin McCallister: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?

Kate McCallister: Kevin, I'm on the phone.

Kevin McCallister: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.

Kate McCallister: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad.

Kate McCallister: [while on the phone, Kevin jumps onto the bed] No, we're not bringing the dog. We took him to the kennel... Hey, hey! Get off. Kevin, out of the room!

Kevin McCallister: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't you?

Kevin McCallister: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?

Santa Claus: Yes, but make it quick. Santa's got a little get together he's late for.

Kevin McCallister: Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.

Santa Claus: [his beard is pulled down, revealing his real face] What makes you say that? Er, just out of curiosity.

Linnie McCallister: I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

Jeff McCallister: Shut up, Linnie.

Kevin McCallister: You know what I should pack?

Jeff McCallister: Toilet paper and water.

Kevin McCallister: [behind the dining room door] Oh no, I'm really scared!

Harry: It's too late for you, kid; we're already in the house. We're gonna get ya!

Kevin McCallister: OK, come and get me!

Kevin McCallister: You guys give up? Or are you thirsty for more?

[the check-out woman holds up a bag full of army men, and gives Kevin a funny look]

Kevin McCallister: For the kids.

Kevin McCallister: Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!

Kevin McCallister: [Picks up Buzz's Playboy magazine] No clothes on anybody. Sickening.

[Tosses the magazine over his shoulder]

Leslie McCallister: Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?

Peter McCallister: [hands her Kevin] Here, here's a voltage adapter.

Leslie McCallister: My, but you're getting heavy. Go pack your suit case.

Kevin McCallister: [stares in horror] *Pack* my *suitcase*?

Kevin McCallister: Buzz?

Buzz McCallister: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

Harry: [Harry, disguised as a cop greets Peter who's just come down the stairs] Are you Mr McCallister?

Peter McCallister: Yeah.

Harry: The Mr McCallister who lives here?

Peter McCallister: Yes.

Pizza Boy: [chiming in] Oh good, because someone owes me $122.50.

Harry: I'd like a word with you, Sir.

Peter McCallister: Am I under arrest or something like that?

Harry: No, no, no, no, no. It's Christmastime. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighbourhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions. That's all.

Peter McCallister: Oh, well we have automatic timers for our lights. Locks for our doors. That's about as good as you can get these days. Did you get some egg nog or something like that?

Buzz McCallister: [comes down the stairs] Come on, Dad. Let's eat.

Harry: Egg... egg nog?

[Peter goes off with Buzz]

Harry: Hey, listen will you be leaving... er?

[trailing off]

Kevin McCallister: [Kevin charges down the stairs] Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Kevin McCallister: I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.

Jeff McCallister: Tough.

Kevin McCallister: That's what Megan said.

Megan McCallister: What did I say?

Jeff McCallister: You told Kevin "tough".

Megan McCallister: The dope was whining about a suit case. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

Rod McCallister: [watching Old Man Marley] What's he doing now?

Buzz McCallister: He walks up and down the streets every night, salting the sidewalks.

Rod McCallister: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

Buzz McCallister: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies... into mummies.

Rod McCallister: Whoa.

Kevin McCallister: Mummies?

[Marley looks up at the boys]

Rod McCallister: Look out!

[they close the drapes and run]

Furnace: Ha, ha, ha. Hello, Kevin. Ha, ha, ha.

Kevin McCallister: Shut up.

Kevin McCallister: [after unintentionally stealing a toothbrush] I'm a criminal...