Kevin Copeland Quotes in White Chicks (2004)

Heather Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.

Megan Vandergeld: It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.

Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh no, you didn't?

Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but uhm... we just saw your new video. Yea, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office

[laughs]

Marcus Copeland: A klept-ho-maniac!

[laughs]

Megan Vandergeld: [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.

Marcus Copeland: [indignantly]

[as Tiffany Wilson]

Marcus Copeland: What?

[the Vandergeld sisters proudly do siss-fingers]

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, okay! Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"

Heather Vandergeld: Well yea? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get like, liposuction or something!

Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:

[blows powder from hand, and everyone starts to laugh]

Heather Vandergeld: Your mother is so, like... She's so...

[to Megan]

Heather Vandergeld: Megan you go!

Megan Vandergeld: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?

Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"

Kevin Copeland: [chaseing and tackling Purse Snatcher] Gimme that.

Purse Snatcher: Jesus, lady! All this for just a hand bag?

Kevin Copeland: It's not "just" a hand bag. It's Prada!

Kevin Copeland: I'm gonna have a BF!

Marcus Copeland: Oh, my God, she's gonna have a bitch fit!

Hotel clerk: No, don't d-d-d-don't have a, a, a BF now.

Kevin Copeland: I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!

Marcus Copeland: You, are in big, trouble!

Kevin Copeland: Dear Mister Royal Hampton. I am a white woman, in America.

[approaching the reception desk in the Royal Hamptons Hotel, Marcus, dressed as Tiffany Wilson, stumbles toward the counter]

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Sweetie! You've got to slow up with those cosmos!

Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Tee-hee! Oh, fine.

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Brittany and Tiffany Wilson, checking in!

[slams into postcard and knick-knack holder, scattering items *loudly* across reception desk with his fake breasts]

Kevin Copeland: Sorry, um, they're new. Dr. Dorfman did an amazing job.

Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson, squeezing Brittany's fake breasts] Feels so real!

Lisa: I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.

Kevin Copeland: This one goes with your skin tone.

Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.

[shouts]

Lisa: Whoo.

Kevin Copeland: Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta is if, if, if...

Marcus Copeland: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where its gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So, don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson]

[Brittney comes the dressing room with an outfit]

Kevin Copeland: How about this?

Lisa: [Sobbing] You bitch thats so terrible!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson] Ok im going to go get help ok, you need professional help.

Lisa: [Sobbing] ok! ok!

Kevin Copeland: [as Brittney Wilson] Dr Phil!

[Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]

Kevin Copeland: Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.

Marcus Copeland: [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.

Agent Jake Harper: Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.

Kevin Copeland: ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!

Agent Jake Harper: No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!

Kevin Copeland: I'm gonna have a B.F.!

Marcus Copeland: Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!

Agent Jake Harper: No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.

Kevin Copeland: I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!

Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!

Kevin Copeland: [Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.

Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?

Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland: Yes.

Agent Jake Harper: No! Sir, no, no, there's... there's no problem.

Section Chief Elliott Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.

Agent Jake Harper: [nods nervously] Yes, sir.

Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?

Kevin Copeland: [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards] What a sweetheart!

Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Enjoy your stay.

Kevin Copeland: Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?

Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.

Kevin Copeland: What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!

["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]

Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland: Triple t, k, a. Time to totally kick ass!