Kevin Quotes in Ghostbusters (2016)

Kevin: Would it be okay if I bring my cat to work sometimes? He has major anxiety problems.

Abby Yates: You know what? I would love to let your cat live here with you, but I have a pretty severe cat allergy.

Kevin: Oh, I don't have a cat. He's a dog. His name's My Cat.

Abby Yates: Your dog's name is My Cat?

Kevin: Mike Hat.

Erin Gilbert: Your dog's name is Mike, last name Hat?

Kevin: Well, his full name is Michael Hat.

Abby Yates: I can't say that I'm allergic to dogs... so.

Kevin: You know, it's all right. He lives with my mum.

Basement Cop: Whoa, nobody called for a Clark Kent strippergram!

Kevin: [possessed by Rowan] "Clark Kent"? Oh, because of the glasses and the handsomeness.

Kevin: You know, an aquarium is a submarine for fish.

Kevin: That man went through the wrong door.

Kevin: Is it the boobs you don't like? Because I can make them... bigger.

Kevin: This thing is really pissed off!

Nathan: I can't believe you're making me fight hungover.

Kevin: You wanna drink like a man, then let's see if you can fight like a man.

Kevin: You wanna play with no rules, you better be careful what you let outta the box.

Nathan: This is bullshit.

Kevin: I'll tell you what's bullshit. Bullshit's getting so drunk that you can't defend yourself, you can't watch your back.

Kevin: [a punch to the gut] THAT"S bullshit, son.

Kevin: [Kevin has just broken up with Kelly] Hey.

Kelly Scott: Oh, hey Kevin! What's going on? What's happening? How's it goin'? How's your family? Good? That's great, it's so nice to see you. Fuck off.

Jimmy Monroe: Ma'am, ma'am.

Laura: Whats going on?

Paul Hodges: Somebody just broke into your house.

Laura: [while pulling out gun] I'm gonna go take care of the son of a... B, myself.

Jimmy Monroe: Whoa, whoa, ma'am.

Kevin: You gonna smoke somebody?

Paul Hodges: Put the gun down.

Laura: I know my rights!

Jimmy Monroe: [while trying not to swear in front of young boy] Lady, put the f-in' gun, down on the ground right now, take your son across the f-in' street, AND STAY THERE TILL WE COME AND GET YOU! Jesus... C.

Stan: Where have you been? You missed the division meeting this morning.

Kevin: [to Stan] Uh, I'm on the phone Stan

[to phone]

Kevin: Go ahead.

Stan: Word is you haven't closed a file in a week. What's wrong brainiac? Can't seem to...

Kevin: Hey Stan? Eat shit, kay?

[back to phone]

Kevin: What? Oh nothing, just flushing my life down the toilet.

Toy Robot: [Sam is practicing fitting underneath a grid, and everytime she touches the line, the robot goes off] Access Denied!

Sam: I'm warning you.

Toy Robot: Access Denied!

Sam: *Ugh!*

Toy Robot: Access Denied! Access Denied!

Sam: Oh, that's it, you're dead!

Kevin: Hey hey hey hey, leave our son alone! He's just doing his job, aren't you Robo-Boy?

[last lines]

Kevin: Mom! Dad! It's evil! Don't touch it!

[Kevin's parents explode]

Kevin: Mom? Dad?

Randall: We made trees and shrubs. We helped make all this.

Kevin: Whew! That's not bad.

Randall: Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack. Just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.

Kevin: Pink Bunkadoo?

Randall: Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible.

Kevin: It's some kind of invisible barrier.

Fidgit: Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like.

Kevin: Yes, why does there have to be evil?

Supreme Being: I think it has something to do with free will.

[the gang is confronted by Kevin, who they think is the Supreme Being]

Randall: Heh heh. We can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We... We just borrows the map and... Sort of got rather happy about it and... Ran off in high spirits.

[They laugh]

Kevin: Who are you?

Strutter: That's not Him.

Fidgit: That didn't sound like Him, did it?

Wally: It doesn't even look like Him!

Strutter: It isn't him!

Randall: Let's get him!

[They all pounce on Kevin]

Randall: Strutter, get his torch! Shine it right in the face.

[Strutter shines the torch full in Randall's face]

Randall: His face, dummy!

Randall: Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being.

Kevin: You mean you stole it?

Randall: No, no. Well, sort of.

Kevin: I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.

Randall: Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!

Kevin: That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.

Randall: Of course, you know it all.

Kevin: He was one of my heroes.

Randall: Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?

Kevin: I'd like to stay.

Robin Hood: Jolly good! What's your name?

Kevin: Ke...

[Is pulled away by Randall]

Robin Hood: Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much.

[Under his breath]

Robin Hood: Awful people.

Kevin: Is it always like this after you've done a raid?

Fidgit: I don't know. We've never done one before.

[Long pause]

Kevin: But I thought you were international criminals.

Randall: Going to be. Going to be.

Kevin: Who was that man?

Fidgit: That was no man. That was the Supreme Being.

Kevin: You mean God?

Fidgit: Well, we don't know Him that well. We only work for Him.

Randall: Shut up!

Kevin's Father: You must wait for your food to go down.

Kevin: I haven't eaten any food.

Kevin's Mother: Well you must eat your food.

Kevin's Father: And then wait for it to go down.

Kevin: What are we going to do here?

Wally: A robbery.

Kevin: A robbery?

Fidgit: Of course. We're international criminals. We do robberies!

Randall: Shut up!

[referring to an ancient Greek king]

Kevin: The money wasn't important to him.

Randall: He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.

Kevin's Father: [a knight on horseback had burst out of Kevin's closet, messed about the room and rode away; The door bursts open] What the hell is going on up here? I told you to put that light out and get to bed.

Kevin: But...

Kevin's Father: And no more NOISE!

King Agamemnon: [Kevin had just fallen from the sky on top of a rival warrior, allowing Agamemnon to kill him] Where did you come from?

Kevin: I'm not really sure.

King Agamemnon: Who sent you, the gods? Was it Zeus? Apollo? Athena?

[Removes his mask]

King Agamemnon: Well... You're certainly a chatty little fellow, aren't you?

Randall: [On the deck of the Titanic] I've got something to say to you, Kevin.

Kevin: Go away.

Randall: It's about the map.

Kevin: The map? I don't understand you, Randall, you've got something really brilliant like that and you're just wasting it.

Randall: I wouldn't call this exactly "wasting it".

[sips champagne]

Strutter: [slaps Kevin] Get down, you nearly got us caught!

Randall: You silly fool, you could've ruined everything.

Kevin: Do you know where we are?

Randall: Shut up. Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione, see?

Strutter: [taps him] You sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?

Randall: Look,

[grabs Strutter]

Randall: do you want to be leader of this gang?

Strutter: No, we agreed: No leader!

Randall: Right. So shut up and do as I say.

[Strutter nods]

Kevin: Do you know where we are?

Randall: Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione. See?

Strutter: Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?

[first lines]

Announcer: Yes, folks... Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do... An infrared freezer-oven complex that can make you a meal from packet to plate in 15 1/2 seconds.

Kevin's Mother: Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds.

Kevin's Father: Oh?

Kevin's Mother: Block of ice to Beef Bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things.

Kevin: Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors had to learn 44 different ways of unarmed combat?

Kevin's Father: [Ignoring Kevin] Well, at least we've got a two speed hedge cutter.

Kevin: [shouting during a race] Come on Maggie!... I mean, Maxi!

Maggie Peyton: It wasn't me, it was Herbie.

Kevin: Herbie is a *car*.

Kevin: My philosophy is: sleep late, drive fast, and not take any of this shit seriously.

Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen, please return your seats and tray-tables to their full upright positions, and extinguish all smoking material, as we're about to land in the red zone. Ahh! No survivors!

Kevin: What's the worst thing that can happen? We'll all die, right?

Kevin: All right, who talked?

Max: It wasn't me, Han Solo, Zach got the information from Jinx.

Kevin: Max... I am not Han Solo. You are not Luke Skywalker. There's no Empire. There's no Force and there's no Dark Side!

[Kevin is showing Max how the shuttle toilet works. It involves a vacuum hose]

Max: I ain't getting in that.

Kevin: No, Max, come on. I mean, it's not like you're using it for much else anyway, right?

Kevin: [Kevin is trying to give Max the courage to save Andy during a space walk, in an Obi-Wan Kenobi voice] Luke... Luke! Use the Force, Luke... stretch out your feelings... The Force is always with you...

Kathryn: Wait a minute!

Kevin: We don't have a minute. What's wrong?

Andie: Hideo Takamini... HIDEO TAKAMINI?

Kevin: Right here!

[holding up a stolen nametag]

Andie: Hideo Takamini?

Kevin: Well actually it's pronounced "Kevin Donaldson."

Andie: I don't have a "Donaldson."

Kevin: Well, you have one now.

Kevin: You know, there's this, uh, full moon out tonight.

Kathryn: What, are you gonna turn into a werewolf or something like that?

Andie: Everybody, let's think, where are we going to get more oxygen?

Kevin: I could run down to the 7-Eleven.

Rudy Tyler: Er, you know I once knew this guy who could hold his breath under water for hours. Nobody could ever figure out exactly how he did it. Or maybe it wasn't hours, but it sure was a long time.

Kevin: Rudy.

Rudy Tyler: That was when I, I was on the swim team. It was freshman year. He used to do it too. Hold his breath for hours. Just by thinking about eating French fries. Guess he really got off on eating French fries and uh...

Kevin: Rudy.

Rudy Tyler: Huh?

Kevin: You're using up oxygen, Man.

Rudy Tyler: Yeah.

Commander Zach Burkstroom: You want space camp?

Kevin: No. My father wants space camp, but I want my head examined. But it was worth it for the car, don't you think?

Commander Zach Burkstroom: Yeah well, let's hope so.

Kevin: Yeah.

Commander Zach Burkstroom: Yeah. By the way, would you get your ass OUT of my parking spot?

"Stafford": [English] Kevin, give me the storyboards.

"Kevin": [hands over storyboards from an abandoned production of Roger Zelazney's "Lord of Light"]

"Stafford": [Farsi] These are the drawings that show what we will film for the movie. Alien villains have taken over the hero's planet. They fight for their families and take back the city. The villains know he is the chosen one so they kidnap his son in the Spice Market. So he and his wife storm the castle. The people... hold that... the people are instructed to join him. They are farmers but they learn to fight. Voom! Neow! Pew-pew! They shoot weapons at their enemies. Kaboom! And the King of the Aliens is destroyed when the people find their courage.

Hefina: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Carl: Just talking to Kev about something.

Hefina: You can talk to Kev any day of the week. Get over there and find a gay or a lesbian right now.

Carl: Look, Hefina, I've shaken their hands, I've bought them a pint. See? I don't wanna labor the point, do I? I might, you know, give them the wrong impression.

Kevin: Right.

Hefina: [Sarcastically] Oh, Right. Because you're so bloody irresistible, is that it, Carl Evans?

Hefina: [Seriously] Listen to me, I've seen you dancing round my backyard with no clothes on since you were this high, and I can tell you right now, these gays have thrown better away.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.

Jim: Yeah?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.

Jim: Apple pie, huh?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.

Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Kevin: No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day! This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it!

Kevin: Guys...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!

Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious!

Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.

Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?

[both laugh]

Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.

Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit brick lately?

Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?

Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.

[shows a jar of laxatives]

Finch: [covering his eyes] Tell me he did not just get out the chair.

Kevin: He got out the chair.

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?

Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]

Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Hey, Kevin.

[mouthing]

Victoria 'Vicky': I want to have sex.

Kevin: [loudly] Now?

Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Prom.

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]

Jim: Oh man...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?

Jim: And what did you say?

Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.

Jim: You think she was serious?

Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"

Jim: Yeah, yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.

Jim: Yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.

Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...

Jim: Hey.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.

Jim: Cassanova!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.

Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.

Steve Stifler: Yeah right Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.

Kevin: Really Stifler, he's the manager.

Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!

Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sakes and all she's do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted scene. Kevin talk on the phone with Tom, who is driving]

Tom Myers: You called to ask me how to get laid?

Kevin: Well yeah you know, it's not like I can really call dad. I don't even have his number.

Tom Myers: It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

Kevin: Yeah, you said it... Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice - brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's... I mean, there's a definite chance that...

Tom Myers: All right, all right - listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?

Kevin: What? Not THE Bible?

Tom Myers: That's not really its name but that's what we call it.

Kevin: Does it tell me how to... to get laid?

Tom Myers: You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready.

Kevin: Wait, ready for what?

Tom Myers: Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party.

[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.

Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.

Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.

[High-fives with Jim]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?

Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.

[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]

Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]

Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!

Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?

Kevin: Just go.

Finch: And why is this?

Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.

Finch: [snorts] That's charming.

Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.

Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!

[Finch runs from the room]

[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?

Jim: I did it. Don't care.

Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.

Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?

Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

[Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom]

Finch: All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.

Kevin: So, status check...

Chuck Sherman: Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.

Sonny: Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine.

Kevin: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.

Sonny: You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Kevin: Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.

Violet: What do you want?

Kevin: Well, it's, uh, 3 in the morning, I want what every man wants.

[pause]

Kevin: Breakfast!

[Kevin kisses Violet then starts to walk away]

Kevin: Have a nice day!

Violet: "Have a nice day"?

Kevin: Yeah, I panicked, I didn't know what else to say!

Kevin: Just for the record, I was only staring at your ass for the first 15 minutes!

Kevin: [following Violet] Wanna play a game?

Violet: I want my tape.

Kevin: Had a feeling you'd be back to see me.

Manager: No dates in the kitchen, O'Donnell.

Violet: I'm not staying. I-I just want my tape. Please.

[he hands her the tape]

Violet: Thanks. Bye.

Kevin: Did you really write all those songs?

Violet: You listened to my tape?

Kevin: No, of course not, I mean, that would be invasion of privacy.

[singing]

Kevin: Baby you're the right kind of wrong.

Violet: Go ahead. Laugh it up. 'Cause there's nothing you can say that's gonna bother me.

Kevin: I'm just trying to tell you I like your music. I mean, do you always take compliments so well?

Violet: You collect comic books? That's so cute.

Kevin: It's not cute... it's very rugged and manly.

Violet: This is my job!

Kevin: It's a goddamn sandbox for you to stick your head in!

Violet: What is that supposed to mean?

Kevin: The place is a joke, alright? They don't come to watch you sing, they come to watch girls shaking it on a bar!

Kevin: What do you do when you realize all your dreams have come true?

Violet: Pay off old debts.

Violet: Oh, right, we don't talk about you, right? It's a big secret. Come on, Kevin, let's play a game. I'm gonna guess why you left Australia.

Kevin: Doesn't matter.

Violet: You were in jail? No that's not it. You have a wife and four kids in Sydney? Come on, am I getting warm? Come on, Kevin, I don't have alot of time. Why'd you run away from home?

Kevin: I didn't have a home! Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't have a family. I mean that's the big secret! Are you happy? Huh? Are you gonna feel sorry for me now? Are you gonna hold me close while I tell you I had to change homes every 2 years? I had a bad childhood, big deal. I don't need your sympathy! 'Cause I'm here and I'm livin' on my two feet like I wanted to. That was my dream. At least I did it with a little bit of dignity.

Violet: And I didn't, that's it?

Kevin: Well just unbutton the blouse a little and unzip the pants a little, show a little bit of flesh. I think you can figure it out.

Violet: Why won't you give up on this?

Kevin: Because I've been giving up on people my entire life and it's a nasty little habit, so you're going to sing at the club or...

Violet: Or you'll what?

Kevin: I'll never kiss you again.

Violet: That sounds like a threat, Mr. O'Donnell.

Kevin: Well, let's just say it's going to be quite a long, cold winter.

Violet: That's supposed to convince me?

Kevin: It's working, isn't it? Your knees are getting weak.

Violet: Alright, you win. I'll do it.

Kevin: I love winning.

Kevin: Were we just as obnoxious as these kids back in the day?

Finch: Not us, our generation, we were more mature.

Steve Stifler: Check it out vagina shark.

[goes under water, girls scream]

Finch: I take that back.

Kevin: Don't mess with the class of 99, bitch!

Kevin: You destroyed their Jet Skis

Steve Stifler: They splashed us, so...

Kevin: Hey.

R: [voice-over] Say something human. Say something human.

R: How... are... you...?

R: [voice-over] Nailed it.

Kevin: [First line while lying in his parents' bed] I peed!

Kevin: Help me get my shirt off!

Kevin: [At Cafe Lalo, spying on "Shopgirl"] You know what? She looks... I mean, she almost has the same coloring as... that Kathleen Kelly person.

Joe Fox: Kathleen Kelly with the little bookstore?

Kevin: Well, why not? You said you thought she was attractive.

Joe Fox: Absolutely, yes, why not. Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

Kevin: Well... if you don't like Kathleen Kelly, I can tell you right now... you ain't gonna like this girl.

Joe Fox: Why not?

Kevin: Because it *is* Kathleen Kelly.

Kevin: I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

Joe Fox: [a clip on the news] I sell cheap books, I do. So sue me.

T.V. Reporter: [a clip on the news] And that, in a nutshell, is the Fox Books philosophy.

Joe Fox: Hey!

Kevin: That's what you said?

Joe Fox: Well... yeah, that's not *all* I said. I said - aww, I can't believe those bastards! I said we were great. I said you could sit and read for hours and no one will bother you. I said we have a hundred and fifty thousand titles. I showed them the New York section. I said we were a goddamn piazza! A place in the city where people can mingle and mix and be.

Kevin: Piazza?

Joe Fox: I was eloquent. Shit!

Kevin: Piazza...

Joe Fox: [on the new Fox Books superstore] Hey, you know what? We should announce ourselves to the neighborhood. Just let them know, here we come.

Kevin: Oh, no, this is the Upper West Side, man. We might as well tell 'em we're opening up a crack house. They're gonna hate us. Soon as they hear, they're gonna be lining up...

Joe Fox, Kevin: to picket the big bad chain store...

Kevin: that's out to destroy...

Joe Fox: everything they hold dear.

Kevin: Yeah.

Joe Fox: Do you know what? We are going to seduce them. We're going to seduce them with our square footage, and our discounts, and our deep armchairs, and...

Joe Fox, Kevin: Our cappuccino.

Joe Fox: That's right. They're going hate us at the beginning, but...

Joe Fox, Kevin: But we'll get 'em in the end.

Joe Fox: Do you know why?

Kevin: Why?

Joe Fox: Because we're going to sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants. In the meantime, we'll just put up a big sign: "Coming soon: a FoxBooks superstore and the end of civilization as you know it."

Kevin: The electrical contractor called. His truck hit a deer last night, so he's not going to be here until tomorrow. And the upstairs shelves are delayed because the shipment of pine we ordered has beetles.

Joe Fox: Very good. *Very* good.

Kevin: And we got a fifty-thousand dollar ticket for construction workers peeing off the roof.

Joe Fox: Great, that is great!

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?

Jim: Uh, at the movies.

Kevin: Took the bus.

Oz: Coffee.

Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?

Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.

Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

Finch: Go Fish

Kevin: Finch, we're playing gin!

Finch: Oh, well... gin

Stifler: Who the hell was that?

Oz: That was uh... that was...

Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.

Kevin: Yeah

Oz: Yeah, turned around.

Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

Greg Focker: It's beautiful... what is it?

Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?

Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.

Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.

Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.

Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?

Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.

Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I guess I would have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're going to follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?

Greg Focker: Hmm.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's Jewish.

Kevin: Are you?

Greg Focker: Yeah.

Kevin: Well so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.

Kevin: Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind

Kevin: What about you? You don't have any needs?

Jane: No. I'm Jesus.

Kevin: [helping Jane practice saying no] Jane, give me fifty bucks.

Jane: No!

Kevin: Jane, it's fifty bucks. I'll pay you back.

Jane: No.

Kevin: [takes Jane's hand] Jane... I *need* you to give me fifty bucks.

Jane: [hesitantly] No?

Kevin: Eh... not bad. Can I have your drink?

Jane: Sure.

[beat]

Jane: No! Oh, no...

Kevin: [laughing] You were doing so well!

Jane: Wanna go find the ugliest stuff in the store and register Tess for it?

Kevin: Let's do it.

Jane: I think you should just admit that you're a big softy, that this whole cynical thing is just an act so that you can seem wounded and mysterious and sexy...

Kevin: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was the last one?

Jane: What?

Kevin: Did you say "sexy"?

Jane: [nervous] What?

Kevin: You think I'm sexy?

Jane: No.

Kevin: It's okay if you do.

Jane: I don't!

Kevin: [motions to a "Gone With the Wind"-style dress] What the hell is that?

Jane: Theme wedding.

Kevin: What was the theme? Humiliation?

Jane: [after spending a drunken night with Kevin] I just want you to know, I never do this.

Kevin: Oh, I know.

Jane: No, really. I never, never do this.

Kevin: No, really, I know. Last night, you kept saying it over and over again: "I never do this", "I *never* do this", "I never *do* this"...

Jane: Okay. I just wanted you to know.

Kevin: What color is that - vomit?

Kevin: Wait, what are those?

Jane: [nervous] Nothing.

Kevin: Are those...?

Jane: No!

Kevin: Are they bridesmaid dresses?

Jane: This is none of your business!

Kevin: Oh... good God. What, you kept them all? You have a whole closetful? Why?

Jane: I have a lot of friends and I like to keep them.

Kevin: [snickering] Right. Well, that makes complete sense because they're... *beautiful*.

Jane: Some of them are not that bad.

Kevin: Not that bad? I'd like to see one of them that's not that bad.

Jane: [after passing out] Are you a doctor?

Kevin: No, but Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Drunk were bugging me.

Kevin: I cried like a baby at the Keller wedding.

Kevin: You kinda look like a shiny mermaid.

Jane: You write the most beautiful things. Do you actually believe in love and marriage and just pretend to be a cynic or are you actually a cynic who knows how to spin romantic crap for girls like me?

Kevin: I didn't follow that at all, but I think the second one, the spinning crap one.

Jane: How refreshing! A man who doesn't believe in marriage.

Kevin: I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle.

Jane: Oh! That's so noble of you. Do you also go around telling small children that Santa Claus doesn't exist? 'Cause someone needs to blow that shit wide open.

Kevin: A-ha! So you admit that believe in marriage is kind of like believing in Santa Claus!

Jane: Oh, I'm a really... very good caulker.

Kevin: [into recorder] Likes caulk.

Kevin: You'd rather focus on other people's Kodak moments than make memories of your own!

Kevin: I think you want a wedding, not a marriage a wedding.

[Buddy makes Kevin wait outside the front door to their house before answering it]

Buddy: [Buddy opens the front door] She's in the pool.

Kevin: What took you so long?

Buddy: I knew it was you.

Kevin: I keep forgetting how young you are.

Buddy: [after Kevin walks in Buddy looks at Kevin's Porsche outside] What a waste of a sports car.

[Kevin tells Terry a story to make Terry feel better about not becoming a reporter]

Kevin: Can I tell you a little story? When I was a kid, I was, I was obsessed with being a fireman. I'd set little fires in the backyard, and I practiced putting them out. Then one day, when... I was 12, I learned I could never be a fireman.

Terry: Why, what happened?

Kevin: I found out how much money they make. Pitiful!

[Kevin sees Terry's short haircut for the first time]

Kevin: What did you do to your hair?

Terry: Oh, I cut it. Isn't it cute?

Kevin: Cut? It's gone!

[Kevin shows up to Terry's house when he speaks to Buddy alone]

Kevin: All right, where is she?

Buddy: It's that darn cult again. They have her totally brainwashed. Want to split her records?

Kevin: [Kevin holds Buddy up to the wall] Look, you can tell me now, or you can tell me in the hospital!

Buddy: I'm suddenly remembering.

[Kevin sees Terry at the prom crawling out from the water]

Kevin: Terry, are you all right?

Terry: Kevin?

Kevin: What are you doing here in a tuxedo?

Terry: [Terry nervously responds] Please go home. I'll call you tonight.

[Rick, Terry, and Kevin all confront each other on the beach]

Rick: [Rick asks Terry] Who is this guy?

Kevin: Terry's boyfriend. Who are you?

Rick: Just a friend.

Kevin: Terry, we can work this out. I know you still love me.

Terry: No, I don't, I love someone else.

Rick: [Terry glances over to Rick] Whoa, uh, thanks, but no, thanks...

Kevin: That is so unfair!

Kevin: I am NOT your slave!

Perry: Do you think Gemma saw my poo? I wouldn't mind seeing Gemma's poo.

Kevin: Candice and Gemma do not poo.

Eyeball Paul: Hows your mummy ginger pubes?

Kevin: Shes a bitch!

Kevin: [after his parents reject him a vacation in Ibiza] I can't take it anymore! I'm adopted! My real parents couldn't possibly treat me like this!

Kevin: There's fuckin' room to move as a fry cook. I could be manager in two years. King. God.

Kevin: [singing] ... feelin' 7-Up, I'm feelin' 7-up. Feelin' 7-up, I'm feelin' 7-up...

Otto: Kevin, stop singing!

Kevin: What? I wasn't singing, guy.

Otto: [Stamping a price tag on Kevin's glasses] I'm standin' right next to you and you're fuckin' singing, cut it out.

Kevin: Why so tense, guy?

Kevin: Vada, if bullshit wore a bra, you'd be top heavy.

Denis Cooverman: How did you find us?

Kevin: LoJack, dipshit!

[from trailer]

[about to hurt Denis]

Kevin: Prepare to die.

Ben: What are you doing?

Kevin: Relax. I'm a doctor.

Ben: Yeah, well, not to pry, doc, but why are you shaving my balls?

[Ben's friends enter his apartment, to find him re-watching a tape of Bill Buckner's infamous World Series error]

Gerard: Oh, my God.

Kevin: The Buckner game?

Gerard: I thought you took that away from him!

Kevin: I did!

Kevin: Tonight's second winner: Number 1-1-7.

Monix: Right on! Yeah!

Hutch: Yee-ha! Whoo! Yes! Thank you very much.

Starsky: Sit now. Do it.

[Huffs]

Starsky: Do it!

Hutch: The big man has just hit the mother lode! Old Shakes McGinty did it! Yes! Unbelievable!

Starsky: [as Finkle] This is incredible.

Hutch: I'm a rich man, and I'm gonna kiss you!

Starsky: Like you said, Feldman: Everybody deserves a second chance.

[Starsky fires at the front trunk of a Volkswagen]

Hutch: Whoa, what have we here? Does this look familiar? Some cocaine. Captain Doby, I suggest you take this to the lab and have it analyzed this time...

Starsky: [Reese grabs Hutch; puts a gun to Hutch's neck] Hutch!

Reese Feldman: Alright, freeze! Alright, everybody freeze! Put your hands where I can see them! Do it now!

Kevin: Put it down!

Captain Doby: You relax pal. Relax!

Kevin: Let's do it!

Reese Feldman: Put that gun down or I'm gonna kill your friend right here. Do it now!

Kevin: What the hell are we doing?

Reese Feldman: Do it now! Put it down!

Kevin: Okay, So here's the Plan... We take them inside, get their hand stamped and they can't get out. Like Shawshank Redemption.

Marco: I love it!

Kevin: Uh, okay, this is, uh, Agent Kinnealy. Please advise, I just made BM in the back of a cab.

Liliana Morales: Uh, you did what in the back of the cab?

Kevin: Big Momma! I just made Big... I saw Big Momma in the back of a cab, and now I'm going to get VD... Visual data. I'm going... Never mind.

Kevin: I've had 16 fights and I won all of them but 12.

Lenny Weinrib: I'm completely superfluous.

Kevin: Oh, you don't feel good?

Lenny Weinrib: You didn't see Schindler's List?

Kevin: No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?

Lenny Weinrib: The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.

Kevin: They were tough motherfuckers.

Kevin: It makes my stomach sick to my stomach.

Lenny Weinrib: I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin!

Kevin: You didn't tell me how many times though!

Kevin: I'm not really into headbanging.

Lady Sylvia Marsh: Are you into any kind of banging?

Kevin: That's some system you've got there.

Lady Sylvia Marsh: How do you rate the music?

Kevin: I'm not really into it, banging.

Lady Sylvia Marsh: Are you into any sort of banging?

Kevin: I'm not bad on a mouth organ.

Lady Sylvia Marsh: [chuckles] You're sweet.

Kevin: An Ornithopter is defined as an experimental device, propelled by flapping wings.

Gwen: That's a big word for a mechanical bird.

[shifting her voice]

Gwen: Congratulations, Mrs. Dillion. It was a tough delivery, but you've given birth to a healthy 7-pound dictionary.

[smiling]

Gwen: You must be very proud.

Maxwell Kane: I really don't like rats!

Kevin: Well, somewhere down there, a rat is saying, I really don't like Max.

Kevin: Guess what I got for Christmas, Mr. Kane.

Kenny Kane: Well I don't know...

Kevin: A squirt gun, and a chemistry set. Good old reliable H2SO4, sulfuric acid. Oily, colorless, and able to strip the paint off a car in 2 seconds. So ask yourself, do I feel lucky today?

Kevin: Think of it as a business partnership: you need brains, and I need legs - and the Wizard of Oz doesn't live in South Cincinnati.

Kevin: A knight proves his worthiness by his deeds.

Kevin: It's the treasure, concealed in the slime of dragons.

Maxwell Kane: It's a woman's purse, and it's covered with crap.

Maxwell Kane: [referring to Kevin's homemade squirt gun] What did you *really* put in that thing?

Kevin: Oh, just some soap, and vinegar, and chili pepper.

Kevin: A band of highwaymen ambushed the queen of Saxony in the north road. They stole her chest, no pun intended.

Lucy: You need to find somebody that likes you the way you are.

Kevin: And who would possibly like me the way I am?

Lucy: I have no idea.

[Lucy hands Kevin a bag]

Kevin: What's this?

Lucy: It's your birthday present, fuck head, open it.

Kevin: Look, I'm just gonna go home and kill myself. You wanna share a cab?

Lucy: So I can pass out and wake up *alone* on New Year's Day?

Kevin: Did you know that cigarettes are a shield against meaningful interaction with people?

Kevin: You let somebody move in with you, you make all these little compromises to smooth things along, and the next thing you know, you're on some macrobiotic diet and you're listening to Joni Mitchell.

Lucy: In the five years we've known each other, have you once even ever considered having sex with me? Apart from tonight. You don't think I'm attracted to you.

Kevin: I don't think you're attracted to half the men you sleep with.

Lucy: You think I'm a slut!

Kevin: What? No.

Lucy: Yeah, you think I'm a big slut.

Kevin: I don't think you're a slut. A skanky little ho maybe, but never a slut.

Lucy: The truth is, you're afraid.

Kevin: What? I'm afraid. I'm, yeah, OK, you... I feel so naked right now. I'm totally afraid.

Lucy: It is so obvious.

Kevin: And so ridiculous.

Lucy: Prove it.

Kevin: I don't have to prove anything.

Lucy: I dare you. Kevin, I dare you to fuck me.

Rebecca: You can try a bunch of cheesy lines on my but why bother? What I'm telling you is no matter what you do, you're gonna get laid.

Kevin: I don't get it.

Kevin: Weren't you listening in there, Jes? Careful, you don't know what you might catch. Forget him. He's a...

Jessica: He's a what? Poof? Queer? Faggot? Anything else you can think of?

Steven's Mother: I'll tell you what else he is. He's my son, and I'm very proud of him. And if you do anything to hurt him, I'll have your bollocks for earrings.

Kevin: [to Steve] Oi, Carter! Not exactly an oil painting is she?

Linda: No, she's cuddly. And until a few seconds ago, you assumed that because I'm a fat girl instead of some slim oil painting, I'd be gagging for a quick one in the doorway of Toys R Us! I can just imagine sex with you! Pathetic fumbling to find the bra strap, the slobbery kisses, belching into some poor girl's mouth because you had too much chili sauce on your kabab. And then, the main event which is either over in seconds or not at all because you're too fucking pissed!

Kevin: So I take that as a definite no?

Linda: Take it up your bum!

Jessica: It's not a gay story, it's a pervert story.

Kevin: What's the difference?

Wendy: You're not gay and you're a pervert.

Dave: Well, you don't look at the mantle piece when you're poking the fire, do ya?

Kevin: What happens if you're poking the mantle piece?

Kevin: [voice-over - end of movie] A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. Fact is, I don't know. But what I do remember, what I can recall, is when I first realized it was Okay: It was when I met these guys. My friends.

Kevin: So, what - you're not attracted to me?

Dennis: Of course I'm attracted to you. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the candles. Kevin, you were the wish.

Dennis: Oh, everyone gets dumped first time around. It's the rule of all newbie relationships.

Kevin: What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends?

Dennis: You don't even know my friends.

Kevin: Yeah, I know them well enough to know that you're just a bunch of bitter, jaded...

Dennis: Fags? Go ahead and say it.

Kevin: [overtalking Dennis] I wasn't gonna say it. I wasn't gonna say that.

Dennis: You should. Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means.

Kevin: Why can't everything just slow down?

Dennis: I promise, it will. But you can't go back now. At least go have a cup of coffee with me?

Kevin: One condition.

Dennis: What?

Kevin: West Hollywood's that way.

[points]

Kevin: Show me one thing you find interesting that way.

[points in other direction]

Dennis: [Cole and Kevin are making out behind the bleachers] Cole...

Cole: [holds finger up as they continue making out]

Dennis: You're up in 2.

Cole: Oh. Thanks Den.

[leaves]

Dennis: [approaches Kevin] Hey.

Kevin: Hey.

Dennis: So, still deciding if you're gay?

Kevin: You scared me.

Dennis: It's my house, I'm allowed to do that.

Kevin: I don't get you guys. Is that all you do, you just sit around and talk about guys?

Dennis: Either that, or we talk about guys.

Dennis: I thought my mom would be cooler, she was a 60's love child. When she caught me smoking pot with my friends all she said was 'I hope you didn't pay market for that'. But when I told her I was gay she didn't speak to me for a month.

Kevin: How is she now?

Dennis: Better. She still refers to the homosexual community as 'The Gays', like they live on her block.

[in a feminine voice]

Dennis: 'Dennis, I heard The Gays had a parade... did you go'?

Cole: So, how do you and Benji know each other?

Kevin: We fold jeans at Structure.

Dennis: You told them!

Kevin: It just kind of slipped out. My mom said she made some key lime pie, and I said 'great, I love key lime pie... and I'm gay'.

Dennis: I bet she wishes she made apple pie instead.

Dennis: You like The Carpenters.

Kevin: Oh, insanely.

Dennis: Well, here's to your first OGT. Obviously Gay Trait. Mine are: love of The Carpenters, culinary interests, and intense fear of blood sports.

Kevin: Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with any real validity.

Sadie: Kevin, do you love me?

Kevin: Of course I love you.

Sadie: Even though I'm crazy?

Kevin: I love you 'cause you're crazy.

Russell: Either we're in a relationship or we're not.

Kevin: Why does it have to be that way?

Russell: It just does.

Kevin: You write really nicely.

Madeline: How would you know that?

Kevin: That suicide note really flowed.

Madeline: It's mostly bumper sticker wisdom, you know. I have a gift.

Dr. Newman: I need you to go to the kitchen, make a pot of coffee, pour a mug three quarters full, then you fill the rest with whiskey, and you need like a teaspoon of brown sugar in it, alright?

Kevin: What! You want me to make an irish coffee?

Dr. Newman: Whipped cream would be fantastic.

[pause]

Dr. Newman: Go.

[Kevin leaves. He looks at Madeline from top to bottom]

Dr. Newman: Well, she's got great feet.

Madeline: You wanna have sex again?

Kevin: What! No.

Madeline: I know that look.

Kevin: No.

Madeline: You're tenacious.

Kevin: Not interested.

Madeline: You mean you've never ever wanted to fuck a starfish?

Kevin: This is the least attractive thing I've seen you do.

[Madeline moves her tongue in and out]

Kevin: Ugh.

Madeline: Hey, he seduced both of us.

Kevin: Yeah. Except, I only let him fuck me once. TWICE, if you count the one time I let him finish in my mouth.

Madeline: AH! OH!

Kevin: I had to. He's my boss.

Madeline: Yeah. It was a wise business decision.

Kevin: [calling out] Hey, Andrea!

Andrea: [in her mind's voice:] Oh no!

[out loud, sweetly nice:]

Andrea: Hey Kevin.

[smiling, ambling over to him]

Andrea: Hey!

Kevin: Why don't you return my calls?

Andrea: Oh, I didn't know. When did you call?

Kevin: I've called every day.

Andrea: [in her mind's voice:] Every day! Talk about desperate.

[out loud:]

Andrea: I didn't get any messages.

Kevin: Parents. I know what that's like.

Andrea: Yeah.

[looking back at her friend]

Rebecca Fernhurst: [calling out from back in the alley] Hey, take your time, I'll wait!

Kevin: So. What's going on?

Andrea: [in her mind's voice:] Oh, not too much. Just sleeping with Todd Sparrow.

[out loud:]

Andrea: Oh, not too much.

[he nods]

Andrea: Is something on your mind?

Kevin: Ah, it's nothing. It's...

[shaking his head]

Kevin: I don't even want to dignify it.

Andrea: What is it?

Kevin: It's just that I heard this stupid rumor that you slept with Todd Sparrow.

Andrea: [excitedly, flattered] You did?

[catching herself, now composed]

Andrea: I mean, you did?

Kevin: It isn't true, is it?

Andrea: [almost worldly] Todd and I have been seeing each other.

Kevin: Todd doesn't see girls. He fucks them.

Andrea: You know, that is so rude. You don't even know him. Todd and I have something very special. I got to go.

[walks off, exasperated]

Andrea: Aw.

Rebecca Fernhurst: [calling out to her friend who has forgotten her] Hey, kitty cat!

[Andrea changes direction to go to her]

Kevin: [to departing Andrea] You and I had something very special!

[Kevin checking the contents of 'his suit bag']

Kevin: All right let's see what we've got... I don't care if it don't look good,just fit...

[noticing the 'GFH' initials on the suit]

Kevin: GFH?

[he looks further and he found the brand tag]

Kevin: Groverton Funeral Home? I'm dead... I'm *dead*...

[guests wondering what 'GFH' stands for at Kevin's suit]

1st Guest: What is that stand for?

Kevin: My great-grandfather, General Francois Heimlich Manuever, World War 1 and 2

1st Guest: Good guy.

2nd Guest: What does it stand for?

Kevin: Gemstones Furs, and Haberdasheries.

[to 3rd guest]

Kevin: Graduated, Full Honors, Oxford. I guess you wouldn't know about that.

3rd Guest: I went to Harvard

Kevin: Yeah, Harvard *Street*

[to a Priest]

Kevin: Oh, It's a gospel group I was with, Godliness, Faithful and Honest

Priest: Ah, amen.

Kevin: [to other guests] Geeks For Hire,a temporary service. You'd fit it, you ought to call us. Gas From Humans... Girls From the Hood... G-strings For the Huge... Gotta Feed the Hungry... Girls Feeding Homies

Waitress: It's that a joke?

Kevin: [to a female guest] Good, Fine and Healthy and baby, you're it. *BAM!* You know what I'm saying?

[female guest leaves Kevin]

Kevin: If you drive away, I'll be standing here pointing!

Kevin: That looks good. Can I try some?

Gary Young: Sure. Go ahead.

[Kevin tries the dip and reacts in disgust]

Kevin: Oh! What is that?

Rosie the Caterer: Puree of parsnip and crook-neck squash.

Kevin: I thought it was nacho cheese.

Kevin: D'you know it's, uh, Wear-Jeans-If-You're-Gay Day?

Cesar: Of course. I organized it.

Kevin: [dropping smile] Oh... shit. That... That's cool.

Kevin: [voiceover] Wow. He... He ain't got nothin' I ain't seen in gym class.

Cesar: [as Kevin prepares to take a shower] Should I close my eyes?

Kevin: [slipping off his underwear with a smile] Too late.

Justin: [barging in] Hey, cum-guzler!

Kevin: Jesus! You heard of knockin'?

Justin: Woo, who put a bug up your ass?

Kevin: If dumb were dirty, you'd cover an acre.

Justin: Well, if brains was dynamite you couldn't blow your nose.

Kevin: [voiceover while masturbating] That Cesar's probably lurkin' at some rest stop this very minute or sniffin' jock straps at the gym. What that poor boy must be going through.

Cesar: And what are you?

Kevin: Just yer average good-ole-boy.

Cesar: Who could charm the skin off a rattlesnake.

Cesar: You're hotter than a billy-goat in a pepper patch.

Kevin: You're makin' fun of me.

Cesar: Never.

Kevin: [voiceover] Wow-wee! If he were a girl, I'd be ridin' a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Kevin: Ain't you done yet?

Justin: When you're bigger'n Dallas it takes longer.

[Kevin and Julia are talking in front of a group of junior high school students]

Female Student: Is there much interaction between the two campaings? I mean, between Democrats and Republicans?

Kevin: [to Julia] Ah, I believe this is your area.

Julia: Uh, it's discouraged for campaigns to interact. For instance, if one speechwriter were to date another, they might reveal something crucial about the campaign. Some campaigns have spies for just this purpose, whose job it is to follow the speechwriter, and to seduce her--

Kevin: --Or him--

Julia: --Into revealing her secrets.

Kevin: On the other hand, some speechwriters have the tendency to become what is known as "paranoid," and just because someone seems interested in her doesn't mean they're after her "secrets."

Julia: Still, it's not paranoid to become suspicious of a "chance" encounter which isn't really chance--

Kevin: --Or someone lying about the work she does. A good speechwriter could protect herself from this situation by not flirting, you know, not sniffing around like a cat in heat.

Julia: Or she might tell the other speechwriter to his face, "Peddle your shit elsewhere, scumbag."

[They are talking on the phone]

Julia: My old boyfriend had a tattoo, on the inside of his lip. Wanna guess what it said?

Kevin: Uh, "How am I driving? Call 1-800" and then a number? Did he have a really big lip? Was it Mick Jagger?

Julia: Shall we speak the unspoken language of love?

Kevin: You mean the kind only dogs can hear?

Julia: Yes, the very same.

stage direction: [While riding in back of pickup truck to get gasoline]

Julia: Is that cologne?

Kevin: Black Flag. You know, it's manly, and as you can see, not a roach in sight...

Julia: You used me. You took the Mexico Ditch! You never even heard of it before!

Kevin: Of course. I didn't realize you had a copyright on a ditch. What other forces of nature are yours?

Julia: I will keep this simple. I. Me. This person in front of you. I do not. Not. The international symbol for "no". I do not want you near me again!

Kevin: Hey. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. So are we still on for midnight?

[from trailer]

Kevin: Who bought them?

Andy: Two black guys.

Kevin: What'd they look like?

Andy: Two... black guys!

Kevin: I just want to say it was horrible what those kids did. And the whole incident points up a fundamental moral breakdown in our society.

Mr. Burkewaite: Thank you, Kevin, for your insightful self-righteous indignation. I'd still like to hear from Tom.

Tom: Would you just quit staring at me like that, man?

Kevin: [to teacher] Don't you think violence is wrong?

Tom: Aw, fuck off, Kevin. Wasting pigs is radical, man.

Kevin: Sean, if you were any dumber, I'd have to water you.

Kevin: I'll go to jail, I don't fucking care!

Kevin: [Noah's Ark] I believe this is a place where people come to be forgiven, you know? To look for that little piece of redemption. It's like we're all lost souls trapped in this gigantic mess that we've made upon ourselves... like a bad smelling vagina.

[Everyone laughs]

Kevin: Seriously, we've come so enthralled with the forces going on all around us, that we allow society to dictate the way we think. Always arguing with what's wrong and what's right, but tonight anything is possible. For people like you and me, we come here to just exist.

Kevin: You know growing up with you, I was always jealous. You always seem to know what to do. You never back down, never quit. The thing with Paul, knowing that my best friend was with me, by my side, hell I could go on another mile. This business with Kristin is bothering you bad, I can tell. Anyway, I know you'll end up doing the right thing. Hell, you probably already know what to do.

Kevin: I wasn't never worth shit. Never did anything I actually wanted to do, was all I could do to do what other folks thought I should do. I wasn't never myself.

Black: So you're Cuban now?

Kevin: Only in the kitchen, Papi.

Kevin: Who is you man?

Black: Who, me?

Kevin: Yeah nigga. You. Them fronts? That car? Who is you Chiron?

Black: I'm me man. Ain't trying to be nothing else.

Kevin: So you hard now?

Black: I ain't say that.

Kevin: Then what?

[pause]

Kevin: Look. I'm not trying hem you up. Just... I ain't seen you in a minute. Not what I expected, none of it. Not good or bad. Just not what I expected.

Black: Well, what did you expect?

[pause]

Kevin: You remember the last time I saw you?

[pause]

Black: For a long time, tried not to remember. Tried to forget all those times.

[pause]

Kevin: Yeah. I know.

Kevin: Hey, these grandma rules, man. You know the deal. Your ass eat, your ass speak.

Kevin: So Chiron...

Black: [chuckles] What... Why are you lookin' me like that for?

Kevin: What man? Come on, you just drove down here?

[pause]

Black: Yeah.

Kevin: Like you was just, you was just on one, and you hit the highway?

Black: [quietly] Yeah.

[pause]

Kevin: So where you gonna stay tonight man?

Kevin: I ain't see you in like, a decade... It's not what I expected.

Chiron: What did you expect?

Black: Why'd you call me?

Kevin: What?

Black: Why did you call me?

Kevin: I told you, this dude came in, he played this song.

Kevin: Yeah. We here, Chiron.

Kevin: [laughs] Always with that damn nodding, man! You haven't changed a damn bit.

Kevin: It's Kevin. You do remember me, right?

[pause]

Black: Yeah.

Kevin: Who is you, Chiron?

Chiron: I'm me man. I ain't trying to be nothing else.

Edward: Kevin, you wanna play scissors, paper, stone again?

Kevin: No!

Edward: Why not?

Kevin: 'Cause it's boring. I always win!

[Kevin has brought Edward to his class for show and tell]

Kevin: One chop to a guy's neck, and it's all over.

[Edward does a karate pose; the class gasps in unison]

Kevin: Man, those things are cool! You know, I bet they're razor-sharp. One karate chop to a guy's neck...

Peg Boggs: Kevin...! Edward... would you like some butter for your bread? Great!

Edward: Thank you.

Kevin: Hey, can I bring him to show and tell on Monday?

Peg Boggs: Kevin, I've had enough

Kevin: Where are you from?

Ivy Walker: The woods.

Kevin: What's your name?

Ivy Walker: Ivy. Ivy Elizabeth Walker.

Eva: You don't look happy.

Kevin: Have I ever?

Kevin: It's like this: you wake and watch TV, get in your car and listen to the radio you go to your little jobs or little school, but you don't hear about that on the 6 o'clock news, why? 'Cause nothing is really happening, and you go home and watch some more TV and maybe it's a fun night and you go out and watch a movie. I mean it's got so bad that half the people on TV, inside the TV, they're watching TV. What are these people watching, people like me?

[last lines]

Eva: Why?

Kevin: I used to think I knew. Now I'm not so sure.

[pause]

Prison guard: Time's up.

Franklin: Hey, Kev. Listen buddy, it's easy to misunderstand something when you hear it out of context.

Kevin: Why would I not understand the context? I am the context.

Eva: You just can't get uncomfortable enough can you?

Kevin: Uncomfortable? With my own mother?

Eva: So, how's school going?

Kevin: It's going.

Kevin: You know, you can be kind of harsh sometimes.

Eva: You're one to talk.

Eva: Why would you have something like that?

Kevin: I collect them.

Eva: Doesn't it a weird thing to collect?

Kevin: I don't like stamps.

Eva: Then what's the point?

Kevin: There is no point. That's the point.

Kevin: [Eva walks into the dining room, pleased to see that Kevin has changed into clothes more appropriate for his age - but then he turns around with a humorless grin and her mouth drops open in disgust when she sees that he is gnawing on a whole chicken, getting it all over his face] ... What? I was hungry!

[laughs wickedly]

Kevin: I'm a "growing boy".

Franklin: Kev, Mom had something that she wanted to tell you.

Eva: [Eva looks appalled and despite her efforts she finds that this time, she is unable to fake any sort of love towards Kevin] I wanted to... thank you for calling the ambulance.

Franklin: ...And?

Eva: And I was concerned... that you might be feeling... RESPONSIBLE.

Kevin: Why is that?

Eva: [on the verge of snapping] Because you were SUPPOSED to be looking after her!

Franklin: We just don't want you to blame yourself.

Kevin: No. I don't... I mean I... I never said I did.

Eva: ...She's going to need a GLASS EYE, Kevin.

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Get me in a Dodge Stratus in Kansas City

Kevin: [Over the phone] They're completely out of full size Sedans

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Did you try...?

Kevin: [Over the phone] Yes I reminded them of your remarkable number one gold club status for years in the program they are literally moving mountains to see who has the next available one

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Fair enough, any other messages?

Kevin: [Over the phone] Your sister Kara called needs to speak urgently about your sister's wedding I told them you were in the air and even I didn't know your destination

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Well done

Kevin: [Over the phone] And you got an invitation to speak at Gold Quest in Vegas

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] Gold Quest twenty?

Kevin: [Looking at the invitation while still on the phone] It's got a hologram on it their calling it Dos Equis

Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] I wish I could have you in about five places at once but I do need you back in Omaha by the end of the week.

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] I thought you needed me everywhere

Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] We got something real big here a real "game changer"

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] What are we talking about?

Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] You'll see, today I took my first crap in two weeks hallelujah.

Ryan Bingham: [Over the phone] That's me hanging up on you

Craig Gregory: [Over the phone] Great, I love that sound

Kirby: It's true love, my friend.

Kevin: Love, love, you know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality of divorce and then the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.

Kirby: I always thought we'd be friends forever.

Kevin: Yeah, well forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden.

Kevin: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.

Alec: Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

Jules: Don't you enjoy anything anymore... like girls?

Kevin: I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless fear, but it makes America feel better, Russia gets an inflated sense of national worth from our paranoia. How's that?

Kirby: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in... how long? What is it... a year... maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven't you heard of the sexual revolution?

Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion.

Kirby: It's the only illusion that counts, my friend.

Kevin: Says who?

Kirby: Anyone who's been in love.

Kevin: Love sucks.

Kirby: So does your attitude.

Kirby: [Handing a blowtorch to Alec after Alec has dangled Kevin off the fire escape] Here you go!

Kevin: Do NOT give that man a blow torch!

Kevin: You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.

Kirby: I understand the fold, but what's fluff?

Kevin: Fluff's what I write for the paper.

Kevin: Well, you're all I think about.

Leslie: Me?

Kevin: And I think the reason I'm not interested in other women, and why I haven't had sex in so long, is because I'm desperately, completely in love with you.

Kevin: How come you never ask me if I want a date?

Naomi: I thought you were gay!

Kirby: Why do they put ice in the urinals?

Kevin: It tastes better

Kirby: Bah Dum bum ching.

Kevin: You know Jules, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into!

Kevin: Never trust a woman who says she isn't angry.

Rainer Wenger: Come on, there must be one autocracy you all heard about?

Bomber: Third Reich...

Kevin: No, not again...

Rainer Wenger: I did not choose this either, but we have to get through this week. I will copy some papers...

Bomber: No, not this shit again!

Mona: It's an important subject!

Bomber: The Nazis sucked, we get it!

Kevin: Those fucking Nazis!

Adam Cassidy: I'm sorry, man.

Kevin: What are you sorry for? You didn't run me over, did you?

Adam Cassidy: I'm the reason for all of this.

Kevin: The real question is: what are we gonna do about it?

Adam Cassidy: We're gonna use what they taught me. Destroy what they built.

Kevin: You can get away with pushing a little bit. I mean don't you need the money.

Jay Austin: I do. But I've got to live with how I run this place. I just don't want any more regrets. I'm sticking to the highest standard I can. You treat people right it'll come back to you.

Travis: Use your hate to punch a hole in my head! But before you do, remember... remember what wise old Blechminshire told us on our birthday...

Travis, Kevin: You can't punch hate holes in everything. Especially your own soul.

Lord Gilgazorg: Well, well, well. If it isn't the legendary... Kevin! I have to thank you for being so incredibly retarded!

Kevin: You better kill me fast, before I show you how retarded I really am!

Kevin: You know, Laura was crazy about you. It was always Anne this and Anne that. She idolized you.

Anne Ramstead: She was all I had. Everything's different now.

Kevin: Laura's still with me. She'll always be with me. That'll never change.

Kevin: [there's a metallic scratching sound echoing though the room] Can someone please make that fucking scratching noise stop!

Kevin: [noise stops on its own] THANK YOU!

Kevin: Last person I saw that looked like you, I shot 'em in the face.

Arlo Ray Baines: You shoot me in the face, I'll kick your ass!

Kevin: [screaming] I WAS PROTECTING EVERYONE!

Jessie Holden: No, You were protecting yourself.

Kevin: He probably went home. No girls.

Cary: We got Amy and Dawn.

Kevin: Yeah, but I don't see them tickling my lizard.

Kevin: [Before firing at killer] Time to die!

Kevin: Davy, you're too smart, man. Here, smoke this, that will help you.

Frank Bailey Jr.: Hey! What the hell are you doin' playin' my damn piano?

Kevin: Who are you?

Frank Bailey Jr.: The damn piano player, dumbass.

Kevin: Dude, you're busted.

Matt: I may be busted, but I'm out of school, baby.

Kevin, Matt: The beer is good, the sex is fine, we're the Class of 2009!

Shelly: You guys are full of shit.

[Matt and Kevin propose a road trip]

Matt: Anyways, we came up with this idea when we leave here we have no idea where we're going.

Tracy: And that's different from any other time how?

Kevin: No, see that's the fun part. Just get in the car and go - it don't matter where. That's what makes it fun.

Tracy: Hey, guess where we're going!

[Shelly shakes her head]

Tracy: We don't know.

Kevin: Sounds good, huh?

[Jerry finds an old but servicable vehicle under a tarp in the "abandoned" western town]

Kevin: Awesome, dude! Let's go for help.

Matt: Awesome, dude! Let's go to jail for grand theft auto.

Kevin: Dude, it's a clunker. Who's going to care?

Shelly: The owner?

Kevin: Shall I take your panties off or are you gonna do it?

Gloria: I'm not wearing any panties.

Kevin: Oh, ho ho ho. I knew there was something I loved about you.

Kevin: Somebody once said San Francisco is a great city as long as you don't mind running into the same six people over and over again.

Kevin: Don't take sides. I guess you're just gonna have to look at me as the bad guy.

[from trailer]

Kevin: Do you wanna take a cookie for the road?

Noah Sandborn: [chuckles] I love your mother's cookies.

Kevin: And then, he took me to some lawyer bar.

Em: A lawyer bar?

Kevin: Yeah. A lawyer bar, kind of. I don't know. Everybody there seemed like a lawyer. I felt like I was the only person without a tie.

Em: Well, maybe we should get you a tie for emergencies.

Kevin: Yeah, wardrobe emergencies.

[first lines]

Kevin: [on the phone] I felt like I had a lot of time.

Em: I know. It's good. I'm good.

Kevin: Yeah. We're, um... we're just getting off the freeway.

Em: Yeah? Did, Hugh pick you up at the office, or...

Kevin: Yes, he was coming in from Oakland. He was late, of course. Then I took him... And then, he took me to some lawyer bar.

Em: A lawyer bar?

Kevin: Yeah. A lawyer bar, kind of. Yeah. I don't know. Everybody there seemed like a lawyer. I felt like I was the only person without a tie.

Em: Well, maybe we should get you a tie for emergencies.

Kevin: Yeah, wardrobe emergencies.

[last lines]

Kevin: [his phone ringing] That's weird. It's you calling me. Hello?