Kermit the Frog Quotes in The Muppets (2011)

Kermit the Frog: What? You kidnapped Jack Black? That's illegal!

Fozzie Bear: What's more illegal, Kermit: briefly inconveniencing Jack Black, or destroying the Muppets?

Kermit the Frog: Kidnapping Jack Black, Fozzie!

Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!

Kermit the Frog: Children?

Walter: No, the OTHER gift.

Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?

Walter: No, no, after that...

Kermit the Frog: Laughter?

Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!

Rowlf: How come you didn't use me in the montage? I thought my story was pretty interesting.

[cut to Rowlf snoring in a hammock on his porch surrounded by other Muppets]

Kermit the Frog: Rowlf?

Rowlf: Huh?

Kermit the Frog: You wanna get back together?

Rowlf: Okay.

[cut back to the car]

Rowlf: Heh heh. Classic.

Gary: It sounds like you guys aren't getting back together any time soon.

Kermit the Frog: [sadly] No.

Mary: This is going to be a *really* short movie.

Kermit the Frog: Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all. And I don't care what anybody says, I don't care if no one believes in us because... I believe. I believe in you. And you. And you. You know what's important isn't this building or name, it's each other. So I say fine, let's just start from the bottom and work our way back up to the top. Let's all walk out through these doors with our heads held up high, as a family because that's what we are.

Rico Rodriguez: Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Kermit the Frog: Yes I am!

Miss Piggy: Kermit, we found a celebrity! Jack Black has graciously agreed to host the show for us.

Kermit the Frog: That's great! Where is he?

Miss Piggy: In the trunk.

Jack Black: [Inside car trunk] Get me out of here!

TV Executive: No.

TV Executive: No.

TV Executive: Lo siento, pero no.

Kermit the Frog: [excited] Oh, you hear that, guys?

[the Muppets cheer]

TV Executive: That means no.

Kermit the Frog: Oh.

Kermit the Frog: Do what I do: Imagine the audience naked.

Kermit the Frog: Jack Black's got nothing.

Kermit the Frog: [singing] Was there more I could have said?/Now they're only pictures in my head/That's why my green is feeling gray/Even frogs have rainy days

Kermit the Frog: Piggy, why do you always have to be so over dramatic about things, you know, it leaves me no choice but to do things that'll hurt you.

Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.

[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]

Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?

Walter: Yeah, race you home!

Kermit the Frog: And... well. that night... sorta changed everything.

Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!

Walter: I found them -

[Walter gasps]

Walter: The Muppets.

Mary: So, what do we do now?

Gary: I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty.

Walter: Gary, throw me over.

Gary: What?

Walter: Gary, just throw me over already!

Gary: Okay. Okay, here we go, OK...

Walter: One, two, three.

Walter: [Walter grunts as Gary gets ready to throw him over the fence] That's good.

Gary: Sorry.

Walter: No, it's good.

Mary: Guys? I think that's an electric fence.

Walter: Mary, it's Kermit the Frog.

Gary: OK buddy, head down.

Gary, Walter: One, two, three!

[Gary tosses Walter into the electric fence, and Walter screams in pain as he falls to the ground]

Mary: It's an electric fence.

Gary: Yep.

Gary: Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me?

Walter: [in a raspy voice] Throw me again.

Gary: No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea.

Walter: What kind of throw was that?

Kermit the Frog: Excuse me...

[Angelic choir voices are heard as Walter sees Kermit with a glow of light behind him; the lights and voices are actually coming from a bus that says "Good Shepherd Church Choir: 'O sing, ye righteous!' " on the side]

Kermit the Frog: You okay? That was quite a tumble.

[Walter faints]

Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!

Walter: I found them -

[Walter gasps]

Walter: The Muppets.

Walter: [the Muppet Show's theme plays in the background] I guess you could say I was their number one fan.

Walter: [Walter opens his birthday present] Oh, Gary, it's an entire map of the Muppet Studios.

Walter: [Walter shakes the present before opening it, and then he gasps to discover a watch with Kermit the Frog's face on it] And they made all the difference.

Walter: [a kid says 'Trick or Treat!'] Because from then on...

Gary Age 13: Hey, guys.

Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: Oh, hey, Gary. Hey.

Walter: [Walter is wearing a Kermit costume] Hi-ho, guys. Yay!

Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: [the trick-or-treaters laugh at Walter] Is that Kermit the Frog? What is this, 1978?

Walter: Even on the worst days, I knew... that as the years passed...

Kermit the Frog: [archived footage] Cancel that last remark...

Walter: As long as there are singing frogs and joking bears...

[Walter and Gary laugh as they watch reruns of The Muppet Show on VHS cassette]

Walter: Swedish chefs and boomerang fish, the world can be such a bad place after all.

Kermit the Frog: I'm staying! You hear that, New York? THE FROG IS STAYING!

Policeman: Hey! Watch it!

Kermit the Frog: Oh, sorry. I gotta get a contract so I can go out and kill 'em.

Policeman: [dismissing his suspicion after a moment] Nahhhhh!

Kermit the Frog: [whispering] Piggy, I thought Gonzo was gonna play the minister.

Miss Piggy: [laughs]

The Minister: [singing] Do you, Piggy, take this frog to be your lawful wedded husband? Do you?

Miss Piggy: [singing] I do.

The Minister: [singing] Do you, Froggie, take this pig to be your lawful wedded wife until you die?

Kermit the Frog: [hesitantly singing] Well... I...

The Minister: [singing] Do you?

Kermit the Frog: [as everyone else listens intently for his decision; still singing] Well... I do.

The Minister: [singing] Then because you share a love so big, I now pronounce you Frog and Pig.

Roller Skater: Can I get my skates back please?

Kermit the Frog: Hey, hey just a second. How did you know about that "toupe"?

Miss Piggy: None of your beeswax!

Kermit the Frog: Hey have you been spying on me?

Roller Skater: I'll unlace them, while you fight. It's no trouble.

Kermit the Frog: Piggy! Have you been spying on me?

Miss Piggy: Maybe spying on vous and that certain young girl of the opposite gender.

Roller Skater: You two-timing her?

Kermit the Frog: No that's just Jenny. She's a friend. She's a friend and she's been trying to help me sell the show.

Miss Piggy: Ha!

Roller Skater: [to Piggy] He's gotta sell the show.

[to Kermit]

Roller Skater: What show?

Miss Piggy: Well if she is just a friend then what about the... the huggies?

Kermit the Frog: What?

Roller Skater: [shocked] The Huggies! You gave Jenny the huggies?

Miss Piggy: You know maybe, maybe Kermit, maybe it would have been better if we had never have met. Then, then you and Jenny would not be tormented by my presence.

[sobbing]

Kermit the Frog: Oh gee.

Roller Skater: See what the huggies'll getcha?

[Kermit, suffering from amnesia, doesn't remember he is engaged to Miss Piggy]

Kermit the Frog: Me? In love with a pig? Wait 'til I tell the guys in marketing.

[laughing]

Kermit the Frog: Maybe you expected me to go HOG-wild? Perhaps you could bring home the BACON! Ahhh... the sounds of love: su-EEEEE! Oink, oink!

Miss Piggy: Cancel the show! Hi-yah!

[Karate chops Kermit]

Miss Piggy: I spy because I care!

Kermit the Frog: Well I care, too!

Miss Piggy: Well, *why* don't you say so?

Kermit the Frog: I JUST DID!

Miss Piggy: ALL RIGHT!

[They start screaming, then try to catch their breath]

Roller Skater: Keep the skates. Keep the skates. I don't use 'em anyway; I just like to run around in shorts.

Fozzie Bear: Hey, Kermit. Can our friends watch the show from backstage?

Kermit the Frog: What? No! No, they cannot watch the show from backstage. That's it! That's what's been missing from the show! That's what we need! More frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and... and whatever! You're not gonna watch the show, you're gonna be in the show! Come on, everyone!

Kermit the Frog: Why don't you try something like: Ocean Breeze Soap will get you clean.

Jill the Frog: You mean just say what the product does?

Gil the Frog: No one's ever tried that before.

Kermit the Frog: What's going on here?

Scooter: Well... uh... we just got job offers. Uh... right guys?

[everyone lies with ad libs, "yeah", "sure", "job offers"]

Kermit the Frog: That's great. But why do you all look so sad?

Scooter: Well, it's just... they're kind of... out of town job offers. Right guys?

[more ad libs with "yes", "out of town", etc]

Gonzo: What job did I get?

Scooter: Gonzo! Shut up!

Jenny: I'm Jenny.

Kermit the Frog: I'm Kermit.

[Long pause]

Kermit the Frog: I'm a frog.

Kermit the Frog: [after being taken hostage] Gonzo, are you alright?

Gonzo: I just saw my life flash before my nose!

Kermit the Frog: May I see a menu, please?

Pete: [Hands Kermit a menu] Is special today: Yankee bean soup... with spoon.

Newscaster: This news just in, concerning a 6-year-old runaway. The runaway is an eight-foot yellow bird who answers to the name Big Bird.

Grover: Did you say Big Bird?

Newscaster: That's right, Big Bird. He left his nest in Ocean View, Illinois last night, and is reportedly heading east for a place called Sesaim Street.

Grover: Sesaim Street?

Newscaster: [after hearing corrections from someone off-camera] Sesame Street. Sorry.

Grover: Oh!

Newscaster: Here now with the report is our correspondent, Kermit the Frog.

Kermit the Frog: [to someone else] Okay. Here's one. Why does the chicken NOT cross the road? 'Cause it's chicken. Get it?

[he laughs, then turns to the camera, as he's on]

Kermit the Frog: Oh, hi-ho! Kermit the Frog here in Ocean View, Illinois, with the thank you note Big Bird left saying he was running back to Sesame Street. The note reads: "Dear Dodos, you are a very nice family. Thanks for everything, but I'm walking back to Sesame Street. I should be there in three hours, since it took two hours to fly here. So if anyone calls, you know where to reach me. Love, Big Bird." And here is the family that he left, the Dodos.

Daddy Dodo: Oh, are we on television?

Kermit the Frog: Um, yes, you are.

Mommy Dodo: Let's go inside and watch!

Kermit the Frog: Uh, now who'd run away from a family like that?

Kermit the Frog: You think maybe he didn't like it here or something?

Miss Finch: Impossible!

Kermit the Frog: Well, what are you going to do about it, Miss Finch?

Miss Finch: I'm going to find Big Bird, wherever he is, and bring him back to the Dodos.

Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?

Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!

Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!

Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?

Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun...

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.

Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...

Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.

Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!

Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?

Kermit the Frog: Pardon?

Kermit the Frog: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure that we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.

Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.

Kermit the Frog: Tomorrow's Christmas, sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.

Kermit the Frog: Uh, if you please Mr. Scrooge, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.

Rats: No, no.

Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary?

Kermit the Frog: Why, uh... The whole day.

Rats: Yeah, yeah!

Ebenezer Scrooge: The *entire* day?

Rats: No, no. That's the frog's idea...

Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!

Rats: Yeah!

Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.

Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.