Kenny "Squeak" Scolari Quotes in BASEketball (1998)

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.

[indicates a dog bed]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [an enormous shadow is cast over Squeak. He looks at his hand, where Reemer has written "crib notes" so that Squeak can psyche-out his much larger opponent]

[reading, with difficulty]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Your mother's deaf...

Ed Tuttle: My mother's dead, you little twerp.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak reads from his hand again] I guess that why she didn't move around a lot.

Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.

Joseph R. Cooper, Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.

[together]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.

Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh?

[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.

Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!

Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...

[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?

Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?

Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!

Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.

Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.

Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?

Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

[Coop and Reemer are fighting]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: That's a dude.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No way, you're just saying that because you want her for yourself.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No dude, I'm saying that because she's a guy.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: That's impossible. Just look at her. She's got the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips. The sweetest Adam's apple.