Kenny Fisher Quotes in Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

Kenny Fisher: Yo, I gotta have sex tonight! I mean peep this - They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo! Hey, you know what that means?

Ritchie Koolboy: What?

Kenny Fisher: It means I gots a ninety-two percent chance of embarrassing myself. I roll up on that shorty be like, "What's up yo?" she be like, "You don't know 20 different ways to make me call you Big Poppa" cuz I don't yo.

Kenny Fisher: Yo, I'm just pausin' while those two hos over there scratch it out over who gets to knock the boots with me!

[clicks feet together]

Kenny Fisher: Ya know what I'm saying? Yeah!

Ritchie Koolboy: What two ho's?

DJ Sammy: I don't see no ho's yo.

[Kenny and his homeboys start shoving each other around]

Kenny Fisher: Yo, what, you callin' me a liar.

DJ Sammy: Hey, yo why you shovin' cracker?

Ritchie Koolboy: Yo, you better recognize, fool.

[they stop shoving]

Kenny Fisher: Why y'all gotta waste my flava? Damn!

[Kenny's homeboys see him display his 'love kit']

Ritchie Koolboy: Aw damn, man. Our boy's a fag, yo.

DJ Sammy: Yo, who's a fag?

Kenny Fisher: Yo, both of y'all. That is a "Fragrance of Love" scented candle, bitch. Damn!

Kenny Fisher: 'Sup, ladies? Yo Jana, wanna dance?

Jana: I'm allergic.

Kenny Fisher: You're allergic to dancing?

Jana: Yeah.

Kenny Fisher: [after he spilled water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!

[Kenny walks up to a stoned girl]

Kenny Fisher: Hey, whatsup?

[no reply]

Kenny Fisher: Damn, it is noisy in here. Wanna go talk outside? Should be quieter out there.

Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.

[Kenny sees that the girl's eyes are blank]

Kenny Fisher: Do you, uh... what a drink?

Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.

Kenny Fisher: Uh... how 'bout I poison it?

Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.

[Kenny sees that she's totally stoned]

Kenny Fisher: Hey, whaddya say we, uh... go upstairs and...

[another girl enters]

Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend: Stephanie! There you are!

[to Kenny]

Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend: Thank God you found her! She just took three thingies of herbal ecstasy and wondered off! She's so out of it, anything could have happened and she probably wouldn't even know it! God, I was so worried somebody was... well you know, taking advantage of her or something. Here, help me get her on her feet.

[Kenny helps the friend help the stoned girl stand up and the two girls walk off]

Candy, Stoned Girl's Friend: Come on honey, I'm gonna take you to the car.

Stephanie, Stoned Girl: Okay.

Kenny Fisher: [thinking] All right this is it. It is finally time for Kenny Fisher to become... da man. Now I've done my laps, and all ten finalists are present and accounted for. Ten lovely ladies, yo. Each one at my disposal. Ten willing and able tour guides into the theme park of love. But who will it be? Which of you gorgeous ten will be the lucky one?

Kenny Fisher: [to Denise Fleming] Woman, this is all *your* fault. Come bargin' in here like a friggin' moose.

[makes strange "moose" noises]

Kenny Fisher: [to Denise Fleming] I did not write 'Denise Fleming is a tampon' on your locker.

Kenny Fisher: You got... you *have* no idea what you're talking about. You don't even know me any more.

Kenny Fisher: Let's go, boys. Time is honey.

Kenny Fisher: Those shoes!

Denise: What?

Kenny Fisher: Do they serve an orthopedic function?

Yearbook Girl: Kenny Fisher, sign my yearbook.

Kenny Fisher: No, thanks. No time.

Yearbook Girl: Come on. Where's your school spirit? Go, Hot Dogs!

DJ Sammy: Bitch, get a life!

Kenny Fisher: I better double bag it. I don't know where that girl been.

Kenny Fisher: [Sitting on the sink] It's been on your mind the last six years, you could have mentioned something.

Denise: [Looks at him angrily] When? When you were ignoring me in the halls, when you were writing Denise Flemming is a tampon on my locker Freshman year!

Kenny Fisher: [Tries to worm his way out of it clearly embarrassed] I did not write Denise Flemming is a tampon.

Denise: Right, just like you didn't destroy my Cabbage Patch Kid in second grade.

Kenny Fisher: [Gives a shocked look that she remembered that] Second grade, besides I admitted that right away.

Denise: No you didn't! When I picked her up her head fell off and you started to cry. It kind of tipped me off.

Kenny Fisher: [Makes a face] I did not cry!

Denise: [Snorts] Ok.

Kenny Fisher: [Finally fesses up he that set someone else up to do the writing] Fine! I told John Kiseman to write Denise Flemming's a tampon. I felt really bad after.