Kenny Quotes in Faster (2010)

Driver: The price just went down.

Roy Grone: Kenny? Kenny. This here is my Samoan friend, Ultimate Fighting champion over in Guam. You don't know half the sick shit they do over there just to win a title.

Kenny: [Stands before Driver and looks at the tattoos in his arm] l know what that is. l know who you are.

Roy Grone: Who is he?

Kenny: Brother, l ain't got no beef with you.

Roy Grone: Do what l pay you to do. What are you doing?

Kenny: [Runs away in panic] This dude's a ghost. l can't mess with no ghost.

[in Cantonese]

Kenny: [pointing to Carter] Why are you hangin' out with 7-11?

Lee: 7-11?

Kenny: Because his mouth never closes.

James Carter: [in English] Hey I heard that!

Kenny: How you gonna come up in here and jam me up like this James, huh? You embarass me in front of my wife, my kids out there.

James Carter: Kenny you embarassin' yourself, you a black man with a Chinese restaurant on Crenshaw.

[In Cantonese]

Lee: Where did you learn that?

Kenny: Master Ching.

Lee: Master Ching of Hong Kong?

Kenny: No, Freddy Ching on Crenshaw.

Lee: [In English] They're brothers.

Lee: You still have it?

Kenny: 'Still got my lunch money from the third grade.

Leo Gillette: Bottom line, I need this job executed with a perfect finesse.

Kenny: [from outside] Damn it!

Leo Gillette: Oh, and you'd be amazed at what little finesse there is for hire.

[Looks at Kenny, who has spilled coffee all over himself trying to open the cup]

Tate: You're wasting our time. More importantly you're pissing me off.

Kenny: Yeah I have that effect of people.

Kenny: Ah, Gamera!

Helen: I don't like monsters.

Kenny: Gamera is the friend of all children!

Helen: Is he really?

Travis: Look what we got here, brothers!

[pulls off Harold and Kumar's hoods]

Kenny: Mexicans!

Travis: Lynch them!

[Harold and Kumar start running, with the whole Klan in pursuit]

Grand Wizard: Come on, let's chase them back to the border!

[Grand Wizard trips and sets himself on fire]

Grand Wizard: Oh, pussyfart.

[Grand Wizard burns up]

Archie: Well, should we put it out or what.

Kenny: When it comes to feeling good, I'd rate pissin' right up there with comin'and shittin'.

Travis: I like to do all three.

Nathanial Mayweather: I overheard the captain saying it would be jolly-jack splendid to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii

Kenny: Yea... that sounds like the captain... you do good impressions

Kenny: Mmmm. Gum.

Kenny: [Wearing black rubber gloves] Ah, the perfect kidnapping gloves!

[smiles gleefully]

Yuri: [sounding lonely] All this power... I wish there was someone to share it with.

Kenny: [Kenny affectionately hugs Yuri] I'll share it...

Yuri: [extremely creeped out] Oh, GET OFF!

[shoves Kenny away]

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman: Jew?

Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle!

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison: Eric!

Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley!

Kenny: Fuck!

Mr. Garrison: Kenny!

Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?

Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?

[the whole class gasps]

Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?

Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

[Cartman picks up a megaphone]

Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?

[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]

Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Kenny's Mom: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church and then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!

Kenny: [pauses] Okay!

Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.

[his last words]

Kenny: Mmf mm mpf mm mommmppf mmf momm mmom mf mff. Mff mffs mmmph mmf, mmph? Mmmpf mpph.

Kenny: Handicapped? What do you mean handicapped? I can do anything that anybody wants me to do! If I was handicapped it's because of these damned legs!

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

Kenny: The sultan of swat!

Bertram: The king of crash!

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

All: BABE RUTH!

Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!

Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

All: YES!

Benny Rodriguez: Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life.

Smalls: [Falls to the ground and clutches his stomach, groaning] I don't feel so good.

All: [Fanning Scott with their caps] Give him air, give him air.

Ham Porter: [mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: Oh!

Smalls: Who's that?

Smalls: [narrating] I had no idea what they were talking about.

Ham Porter: What did he say?

Bertram: What? Were you born in a barn, man?

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?

Smalls: [narrating] But there was no *way* I could let them know.

Squints: You've never heard of the sultan of swat?

Kenny: The titan of terror.

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

Benny Rodriguez: The king of crash, man.

Smalls: [narrating] So, I lied.

Smalls: Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great Bambi.

Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

Kenny: [reading "fan mail"] You're my hero.

Max Skinner: Who wrote that?

Kenny: Your lawyer.

Max Skinner: Kenny, I want the 10 year yield, I want the figures for the Andserson account and I want you to get your scrawny little arse out of my chair. Thank you.

[hangs up]

Kenny: How did he know?

Strip Club DJ: And now looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, let's welcome Amber.

[Amber comes on stage in a neck brace]

Kenny: What the fuck happened to her?

Amber: Fuck you, Kenny!

Strip Club Patron: Hey, what's up, RoboCop?

Kenny: Put your hands on your head, please.

Andrew Largeman: What?

Kenny: I said to put your motherfucking hands on your head.

[slams car door]

Kenny: Please. Eighty in a twenty-five. What are you going to tell me, you were late or you're just tired?

Andrew Largeman: I was?

Kenny: Shut the fuck up!

Kenny: Speaking of which, how'd I do?

Andrew Largeman: You mean... as a cop?

Kenny: Yeah, you know, the whole,

[shouts]

Kenny: shut-the-fuck-up thing...

Andrew Largeman: Well, I thought you were a dick, so I guess that's good...

Kenny: [pumping his fist] Nice!

Andrew Largeman: You're a COP, Kenny?

Kenny: Yeah, I know!

Andrew Largeman: ...Why?

Kenny: I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.

Kenny: People really listen to you, you know? I mean...

[suddenly pulls out gun]

Kenny: they HAVE to!

Kenny: Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like... *MMM*... rich!

Kenny: Your mom just died!

Andrew Largeman: But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.

Kenny: I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making shit at that fish market. No one knew who I was, I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.

Kenny: [Speaking to baby Megan] Hey, baby... Want some chili?

Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

Kenny: That's it?

Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.

Kenny: You got it.

Kenny: I love horses.

Cop: I love horses.

Kenny: I love Butterstuff.

Cop: Buttercup!

Kenny: Butternuts!

Cop: BUTTERCUP!

Kenny: Cup!

Kenny: [to horse] Hey, girl! You hungry?

Overweight Woman: [walking by and overhears] Fuck you, nigga!

Kenny: I'm sorry! I was talking to the horse.

Kenny: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!

Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!

Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!

Kenny: Here take it!

[walks away with Squirrel Master]

Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch!

Kenny: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!

Kenny: I didn't know that horse was a diabetic!

Kenny: In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?

[after rigorous sex]

Kenny: Christ... where did you come from and how can I make more of you?

Izzy: How much money do you have?

Kenny: Five thousand. You?

Izzy: Seven hundred and a fuck load of cheese.

[First lines]

Lolita: What are you doing?

Kenny: Nothin.

Lolita: No, you're invading my personal space.

Kenny: Personal space is like arm's length.

Lolita: No, not always.

Kenny: How so?

Lolita: After 9pm, within a radius of a major metropolitan downtown area, personal space is like *at least* 15 ft.

Lolita: You have anything to live for?

Kenny: I have, uh...

Lolita: If you have to cram for it, you're in trouble.

Kenny: No-no, I have, uh...

Lolita: Yeah.

Kenny: You have that the whole time?

Lolita: You don't grab life by the balls with an American express platinum card.

Lolita: You were kind to her

[Katherine]

Lolita: .

Kenny: Well, it's easier when they're not your own.

Kenny: [after Lem arrives home from jail] So Lem, how you get out, man?

Lem: Honestly, man, I don't know. Somebody talked to somebody, and the charges got dropped.

Maxine: Well, Lem, we're all happy to have you back, brother.

Bird: [happily] That's right! My boo is home!

Teri: Actually, I called in to the D.A's office for a favor.

Lem: [glares at Teri]

Teri: I felt bad.

Lem: You should feel bad! Because of you, I had to spend weeks in jail.

Teri: You should be thankful! Now, you can stay home and take care of your pregnant wife.

Bird: You know what, Teri? You need to mind your own damn business, all right? Didn't nobody ask you for your help! You need to worry about your own husband and why he's sleeping with her!

[points towards Faith]

Kenny: [after Teri threatens to sell Big Mama's house] Now, Teri, your mother worked hard to keep that house in the family! For you, and your family...

Teri: Oh, fuck the family! I let the family into my house, and you know what happened? The family fucked my husband.

Kenny: Believe me, you don't want to tell a woman...

Lem: A black woman.

Kenny: ESPECIALLY a black woman, that you don't have a J-O-B.

Kenny: Ernest I got it! What we need is a tree house!

Ernest P. Worrell: I thought we needed dress shields.

Ernest P. Worrell: [Rimshot's been turned to wood] Rimshot! Oh my God.

Kenny: Don't worry, Ernest, we'll figure out some way to beat this.

Ernest P. Worrell: I'll tell you how we beat this thing, I'll tell you how we beat it. My great great granddaddy put him in that tree and so can I. Somebody with a runny nose is going to die.

Kenny: Isn't Joey here yet?

Elizabeth: No, Joey never got home last night.

Kenny: What? What're you talking about?

Elizabeth: You said that Ernest came to your house last night yelling something about trolls, you think?

Kenny: Come on, there's no such thing as trolls.

Elizabeth: But Ernest saw something out of the tree, and he's never lied to us.

Kenny: Oh great, I have to defend the fort with a multiple personality!

Ernest P. Worrell: Sheriff Binder open up! It was awful, the thunder and the lightning, and it had great big teeth and things on its ears like this! It was at least this big and at least this long!

Cliff: Whoa, whoa, Ernest, what's going on?

Amanda: Ernest do you know what time it is?

Ernest P. Worrell: Maybe Old Lady Hackmore was right, maybe it WAS a troll! Luckily I was there to beat it within an inch of its face.

Cliff: Old Lady Hackmore?

Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah the kids and I built a treehouse out there and she got REAL STEAMED.

Amanda: You took Kenny and the kids out there? Trespassing on an old lady's property?

Cliff: Yeah, but what happened?

Ernest P. Worrell: Sheriff, I saw a troll! I really saw a troll!

Kenny: Dad, something really weird WAS happening in those woods tonight!

Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, you gotta do something, Sheriff.

Cliff: Now calm down, Ernest, you probably just had a bad dream. So pinch yourself.

[Ernest pinches himself and screams]

Cliff: and go home.

Ernest P. Worrell: Oww! I'm not dreaming, this really hurts!

Kenny: I'm gonna call the Ghostbusters on your ass!

Kenny: [At urinal] Look, we've been through a lot together and I love you more than anything in this world, but you've got to stop popping up all the time wanting to play. I'm on a date, I can't play with you right now. Gosh, you're making it so hard. People are starting to stare at me.

Man in Bathroom: You know something, I've got the same problem.

Kenny: Trust me, my problem's a lot bigger than yours.

Kenny: Halloween's gonna be the bomb this year.

Kenny: I can prove he's real!

[passes Danny the ball]

Kenny: Danny Partridge! Dunk it!

Zigi Hrbacek: Kenny, there's no way he can dunk it. He's just too small.

Danny O'Grady: Shut up, Zigi! You're seven feet tall and you can't touch the rim!

Zigi Hrbacek: At least I'm seven feet tall!

Vivienne Mae: When you leave at the end of term, what are your plans?

Kenny: I... I don't know. Maybe the Army.

Vivienne Mae: Kenny, you join the Army, they send you straight to Northern Ireland. You know that, right? You understand that's what's gonna happen?

Kenny: There's a smell in here that will outlast religion

Kenny: From the back she looked like a fridge with a head.

[talking to fellow passenger about the in-flight toilet]

Kenny: Just watch it in there mate. That machine, once you press that flusher, that thing will probably suck your guts out through your bum.

Kenny: I'd love to be able to say "I plumb toilets" and have someone say "Now that is something I've always wanted to do".

Kenny: It takes a certain kind of person to do what I do. No-one's ever impressed; no-one's ever fascinated. If you're a fireman, all the kids will want to jump on the back of the truck and follow you to a fire. There's going to be no kids willing to do that with me. So, I don't do it to impress people - it's a job, it's my trade, and I actually think I'm pretty good at it.

Kenny: I don't know what all the fuss is about, it's 80% water and we've got chemicals to take care of the remaining 20.

Kenny: Busier than a one-armed bricklayer in Baghdad.

Kenny: Australians all let us ring Joyce...

Kenny: There's the urinal, and being a male, you have a prong on you that points forward, so I don't understand how they get it on their feet. They must point it down.

Kenny: There's another classic example of someone having a two inch arsehole and us having installed only one inch piping.

Kenny: [calculating over phone how many toilets will be required at a public event] Have you got any Indonesian foods or curries? You have? All right. Well, normally, if it was a non-drinking event as far as alcohol, and there was no food or curries, for 4000 people for ten hours you'd have five male and five female blocks. But you've got alcohol being served as well as the food, and you've got curries in there as well, which does make a bit of a difference. And on the solid to water-based or liquid waste ratio you've got a 4:1 which is basically four liquid to one solid.

[pause]

Kenny: That's the "piss and shit" ratio, yeah.

Kenny: This is the busiest time of year, this is a crazy time, it just goes bonkers. It's as silly as a bum full of smarties.

Kenny: It's what you come to expect. They think I'm the poo monster.

Kenny: Mad as a Clown's cock

Kenny: Funny part is parents look at me and say 'that's not much of a job, is it?'. And I say 'well you had kids'. 'You spent the first two years handling their shit, and you weren't getting paid for that'. They shit green, the only things that should be green are pears, apples and Martians.

Kenny: [advice on getting married] Cut out the middle man; find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Kenny: Pretty crazy old night, that one. I mean, that's really put me to the end of my test tonight, I tell ya what, that's... that's almost my limit, I reckon. I mean, no man should be set on fire trying to save one of his shitters, you know. It's, er... ridiculous.

Sammy: [talking to Kenny while he is cleaning out a septic tank] ....always going on about his bloody marriage. Is this gonna go right, or is that gonna go bloody right? Is he gonna marry her or not?

Kenny: [through his mask, in the septic tank] I should say so, they've got a wedding.

Sammy: He's either gonna marry or, or not marry her. If he ain't gonna marry her, I'll give her one.

Kenny: Look, mate,

[takes his mask off, comes up from the tank]

Kenny: I... I understand what you're saying, I really do. And I am hearing you, but, mate, what you got to understand is there is a smell in here that is going to outlast religion, all right? So can you just... give my ears a rest for a minute? Just give it a break for a sec, and we'll talk about it later, all right? I appreciate it mate.

[puts mask back on]

Sammy: Well, now you know how I feel.

Kenny: Death in the family has different effects on different people. For some families, it brings them closer together. But for other families, like our circus, it's Christmas cards at twenty paces.

Kenny: [Don and his Baptist youth minister talk before Don leaves for college] Don't let them brainwash you, Donny.

Donald Miller: Well, it is a Baptist college.

Kenny: My computer's got 64K of RAM right now, which is okay for two floppies. But I wanna get a hard drive. So, I'm gonna upgrade to 256K RAM. Then, I'll be talking major megabytes. I can increase my memory or network.

Franny: So what you really wanna do is ram your hard drive into a mainframe.

Kenny: Do I ever!

Kenny: Hey, what are you smiling about? Had a piece of tail for breakfast?

[Looking at dozens of joints tied together]

Customs Agent: What is this?

Kenny: That's a grass skirt.

Katrina: Kenny, are you going to help me get the money for Danny?

Kenny: My life's fucked, its fucked, its fucked. If you could call it a life.

Katrina: Danny wants you to do it but he doesn't think you've got the balls. We were laughing about it together.

Kenny: He doesn't think I can do it you reckon?

Katrina: He said, "That pissy little ant poofter Kenny." He reckons Rusty'll probably do it before you will.

Kenny: Danny said that? He called me an ant?

Katrina: A pissy little poofter ant.

Kenny: That's bullshit. I wanted to help Danny kill that guy, but he'd already killed him so what could I do?

Kenny: [riffing through a stack of bills] Is this place soundproof, Doc? Because, you know, as you get older, you really appreciate the quiet more, y'know?

Vet: [picking up the cash] Yeah, yeah, whatever. I guess I'll be seeing you a lot.

Kenny: [drawing gun] Say the "Pledge Allegiance" for me.

Vet: [hurriedly sets money down and backs away] Oh, hey...mister...

Kenny: SAY THE 'PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE!

[shoots Vet]

Kenny: Monte took the horse!

Maureen: What do you mean?

Kenny: I mean Monte must die!

Don: Why the interview?

Kenny: I mean, have you killed anybody? I know you probably have some cool-ass stories and shit.

Don: Ok, why don't you tell Connie Chung to sit back and keep quiet.

[unknown to the writer/director, Bobby Lee does a Connie Chung impersonation on MadTV]

Kenny: What are you going to do with that?

Owen: [holding metal pole] I'm going to hit you with it if you try something.

Mr. Zoric: Ok, Kenny. Ten laps.

Kenny: I didn't do anything!

Mr. Zoric: [yells] Now! Or I make it 20.

Kenny: Are you hitting on the waitress in front of your pregnant wife?

Karen: I don't know if you know this about me, Kenny, but the gene for jealousy? Recessive.

George: The bathroom's just down the hall, if you'd like to take a shower.

Kenny: Aren't you taking a shower too, Sir?

George: Oh, I'm fine, I'm English, we like to be cold and wet.

Kenny: Don't blame me; I didn't want any of this!

Chenille: What? 'Cause I did? I climbed on top of myself and got myself pregnant?

Kenny: How you doin'?

Chenille: Why don't you ask how your son is doing? That's a line you haven't tried in a while.

Kenny: Why you always gotta jump off on me like that?

Chenille: Why you gotta be like you are?

Kenny: Ah, come on, you know you wanna dance with me. That's what you came here for, to yell at me, and to dance with me.

Kenny: She's the most used piece of equipment in the gym.

Kenny: Goodbye, Snowball!

Gale: Jesus, the camera, hurry!

Kenny: My name isn't Jesus.

Boy: There's no way out.

Sarge 'Nicotine' Crocket: Yes, there is.

[points to the ferry docked nearby]

Sarge 'Nicotine' Crocket: We could drive onto that thing.

Boy: In this armored truck? You just want the money.

Sarge 'Nicotine' Crocket: I've never been about money, okay? I've always been about staying alive and this tank gives us a shot at staying alive.

Kenny: This truck may be our savior, but it won't drive on water.

Sarge 'Nicotine' Crocket: Well, someone is gonna have to swim out there... meaning me... and start that boat up.

Kenny: What if it won't start? What if it's out of gas?

Sarge 'Nicotine' Crocket: Then we're shit out of luck! Cisco, back up to the edge of the pier. I'm going out the back door.

[English version]

Nobuyo Sakurai: If you get rid of the turtle, Daddy will get you anything you want. Alright?

Mr. Sakurai: Tell me what you'd like best of all.

Kenny: What I'd like best of all is...

Mr. Sakurai: What? Tell us.

Kenny: ...to keep it.

[English version]

Mr. Sakurai: Gamera saved your life.

Kenny: Because he knows I like turtles.

Nobuyo Sakurai: Gamera liked you. Gamera must have a good heart.

Kenny: Gamera's a good turtle.

[last lines]

[English version]

Dr. Hidaka: Well Catherine, I suggest you forget science and instead really become Alex's inspiration.

Alex: Hahaha. Thank you. Thank you.

Dr. Hidaka: Well, Kenny, Gamera will be safe there. You happy?

Kenny: Yes, I'm glad that Gamera wasn't killed. I'm going to be an astronaut and ride in rockets. And I'll see Gamera again, right?

[turning to Gamera]

Kenny: Gamera! See you soon!

Kenny: There's a way to do it man and I'm not asking you to talk to the crowd. I'm asking you to, like, be at one with 'em. Show 'em your feminine side.

Devon: Hold on, wait a minute. Feminine side? Hold on, whoa!

Kenny: Yeah, your feminine side.

Devon: Hold on, now if you expect me to walk around on a stage like RuPaul or something like that, then you got another thing (interrupted by Kenny)

Kenny: Ti-ti-time out. Boy slow down. I'm talking about the side of you man that gives birth!

Devon: What?

Kenny: Follow me. The part of you that gives birth to creativity...

Kenny: Hey Lila! When I was a kid, did you used to kiss me goodnight?

Lila Green: You're not a kid anymore.

Kenny: You kissed me last night.

Lila Green: Like I was your big sister!

[My-ik is asleep]

My-ik: Nudies? Nu-dies! Nudies... nudies... Nu-dies!

[shouts]

My-ik: Nudies! Nuuuu-dies!

Kenny: How's it goin', My-ik?

My-ik: Fine... I had no dream!

Du-ug: Have you any more Smirnoff Ice?

Kenny: Yeah, there's half of one in the fridge.

Du-ug: You will die painlessly!