Kenneth Halliwell Quotes in Prick Up Your Ears (1987)

Kenneth Halliwell: I can't remember when you last touched my cock. Well, I can actually. It was about two years ago. Only I can't remember the actual date. Pity. I could have put it in my diary. "The last time Joe touched my cock. Grouse shooting begins"

[Halliwell puts his hand on Orton's leg. Orton brushes it off]

Joe Orton: No. Have a wank.

Kenneth Halliwell: Have a wank? Have a wank? I can't just have a wank. I need three days' notice to have a wank. You can just stand there and do it. Me, it's like organizing D-Day. Forces have to be assembled, magazines bought, the past dredged for some suitably unsavoury episode, the dog-eared thought of which can still produce a faint flicker of desire! Have a wank, it'd be easier to raise the Titanic.

Kenneth Halliwell: I just want to go to the awards! I could! Look, "Joe Orton and guest." I'd behave. I wouldn't say a word, I promise.

Joe Orton: No.

Kenneth Halliwell: Why?

Joe Orton: Because it's for me. I wrote it.

Kenneth Halliwell: I gave you the title.

Joe Orton: Okay, so when they have awards for titles, you can go to that.

Kenneth Halliwell: Writing, John, is one tenth inspiration, nine tenths...

Joe Orton: Masturbation!

Kenneth Halliwell: Can you spell?

Joe Orton: Yes, but not accurately.

Kenneth Halliwell: The whole point about irrational behavior is that it IS irrational!

Kenneth Halliwell: [preparing to dictate an offensive letter] Seat yourself at our trusty Remington, John, and we shall piss on this person from a great height.

Kenneth Halliwell: Cheap clothes suit you. It's because you're from the gutter.

Kenneth Halliwell: At least you can say you've sat in the same chair as T.S. Eliot.

Joe Orton: Yes, I'm never going to wipe my bum again.

Joe Orton: Have you been reading my diary?

Kenneth Halliwell: No.

Joe Orton: Why not? I would.

Kenneth Halliwell: Do you want the sardines with the rice pudding or separate?

Joe Orton: With.

Joe Orton: Some of these people are, well, having sexual intercourse.

Kenneth Halliwell: Fucking, you mean? Well, what do you expect? Many of them are from Australia.

Joe Orton: [Ken and Joe are cruising a strange man] He's built like a brick shithouse!

Kenneth Halliwell: He's probably a policeman.

Joe Orton: I know, isn't it wonderful?

[Paul McCartney is going to visit and Joe and Kenneth are tidying frantically]

Kenneth Halliwell: This is what it must be like when one meets the Queen!

Joe Orton: Except when one meets the Queen one *generally* hasn't threatened to shove one's typewriter up her arse.

Kenneth Halliwell: [yelling at Orton, who is deep in slumber] Joe! You do everything better than me! You even sleep better than me!