Kelly Quotes in Masterminds (2016)

Kelly: Look, I know you're just two good men doin' a difficult job.

[Agent Scanlon scowls]

Kelly: Okay, well, I gotta run.

[seductively]

Kelly: I gotta go wash my pantyhouse... with my mouth.

Kelly: We could hop on over to Brazil. You ever been to Rio?

David Ghantt: I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.

Kelly: Oh, it's a real magical place.

David Ghantt: Yeah. All those planes landin' and takin' off and such.

Kelly: No, Rio.

David Ghantt: Oh, Rio, yeah, yeah.

Kelly: I guess this is hasta la muerte.

Kelly: [Kelly approaches Cobb near a table where Paden, Emmett and Stella are seated] You wanted to see me?

Cobb: Kelly, we're gonna make... an adjustment. I wanted you to be here when I offered Paden your job. I think he could do it without gettin' greedy. Stella and I are tired of you skimmin' our profits.

Kelly: [forced laugh] What are you talkin' about?

Cobb: I'm done talkin', Kelly. Get out.

Kelly: You can't do this.

Cobb: [smiling] Really?

[without warning, Cobb punches Kelly in the stomach, then grabs him, hurls him out of the saloon, and calmly walks back to the table]

Cobb: How 'bout it, Paden? Want the job?

Jack Horton: Hi there. Um, my client Frank Moses is here. He's an American citizen being detained illegally and without due process. You know what? That is a lovely blazer.

Kelly: Thank you.

Vic Deakins: I say goddamn what a rush!

[Deakins looks at the wreckage of the chopper]

Vic Deakins: Whoo!

Kelly: Son of a Bitch! Shockwave took down the damn chopper!

Vic Deakins: That's EMP! Electro Magnetic Pulse! Nuclear blast sends it out for miles. Everything electrical *shuts down* including choppers and radios. Hell, we just shut down McMurran's field communications! That oughta put a *pretty little dent* in their response time, huh!

Kelly: Deak, you da man!

Vic Deakins: I'm da man.

Kelly: [Deakins has just activated the nuke] Shut that sonuvabitch down, now! This ain't what I signed on for. I'm not ready to die, not for you.

Vic Deakins: Everybody dies, Kelly. I'm as good a reason as any.

Kelly: Deak, you da man.

Kelly: [faking moans into the radio] Chief Rhodes is dead! They're all dead!

Colonel Max Wilkins: What the hell happened? What the hell happened?

Kelly: [Deakins rubs his shaver into the microphone] It's the nuke! It's open! It's wide open!

Colonel Max Wilkins: Kelly, come in! What happened?

Kelly: [Deakins rubs his shaver into the microphone again] Oh God...

[fake coughs]

Kelly: What am I gonna do?

[Deakins pulls the plug on Kelly's headphones]

Kelly: I'm 57 and 0 baby.

[discussing the "other" Michael Corben]

Lt. Col. Larabee: This operative has been living under an alias for the last five years, establishing, building and maintaining deep cover in the United States. Nobody knows what he looks like here. They don't know his age, race or background. All that we do know is that he is arriving on air Trans-At flight thirty-five departing Detroit tomorrow morning under the codename "Michael Corben."

Haywood: Lieutenant Colonel Larabee's codename is... "Mother."

[the board members all snicker]

Haywood: Kelly?

Kelly: Excuse me, sir. But it doesn't sound like the operative's cover's as deep as you think.

Lt. Col. Larabee: Just exactly how do you mean that, son?

Kelly: Well, sir, you said, "No one knows what he looks like." So, we know he's male.

Haywood: Shut up, Kelly.

Kelly: Well Oddball, what do you think?

Oddball: It's a wasted trip baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.

Big Joe: Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.

Oddball: The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to LET THEM SHOOT HOLES IN ME!

Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!

Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Tigers.

Kelly: Nobody's asking you to be a hero.

Oddball: No? Then YOU sit up in that turret baby.

Kelly: No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.

Oddball: Yeah?

Kelly: Yeah.

Oddball: Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!

Oddball: This engine's been modified by our mechanical genius here, Moriarty. Right?

Moriarty: Whatever you say, babe.

[giggles]

Oddball: These engines are the fastest in any tanks in the European Theater of Operations, forwards or backwards. You see, man, we like to feel we can get out of trouble, quicker than we got into it.

Kelly: [looking skeptical] Got any other secret weapons?

Oddball: Well, yeah, man, you see, like, all the tanks we come up against are bigger and better than ours, so all we can hope to do is, like, scare 'em away, y'know. This gun is an ordinary 76mm but we add this piece of pipe onto it, and the Krauts think, like, maybe it's a 90mm. We got our own ammunition, it's filled with paint. When we fire it, it makes... pretty pictures. Scares the hell outta people! We have a loudspeaker here, and when we go into battle we play music, very loud. It kind of... calms us down.

Pvt. Little Joe: Kelly's even got us armor support.

Big Joe: [facing Kelly] What armor?

Crapgame: [interrupting] Three Shermans from the 321st.

Big Joe: [still facing Kelly] Who's in command?

Crapgame: It's a top line outfit, I personally recommend these guys.

Big Joe: [turning to Crapgame] Now you butt out, hustler, the only time you come out of the ground is when you smell a profit.

Crapgame: Oh, yeah, well I'm comin' out now, because Kelly's got the perfect caper.

Big Joe: Sure for you it's a vacation. Six days out of seven you're behind the lines, we're at the broken end of a bottle all the time, so you, BUTT OUT!

[turning back to Kelly]

Big Joe: Who's in command?

Kelly: A guy named Oddball.

Big Joe: Oddball! He's a freak!

Kelly: He's got three Shermans all ready to go.

Big Joe: What kind of a guarantee is that? "He's ready to go." He's a nut!

Pvt. Jonesey: Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here!

Big Joe: According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.

Kelly: Yeah, well there's a bridge right here, six miles out.

Big Joe: There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.

Kelly: A-ah. Intelligence reports that the Air Corps knocking'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding'em by night. Now all we have to do is get there tomorrow morning at dawn, and we got ourselves a bridge.

Big Joe: Oh, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge, eh Kelly?

Kelly: Probably.

Kelly: [after he finds the hidden gold bar in the Colonel's bag] Sit down on this bench. I want you to have a drink.

Col. Dumpkopf: Under the Geneva Convention...

Kelly: This isn't Geneva, Colonel.

[confronting the Tiger tank commander]

Big Joe: Look, Mac, you and us? We're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. In about a half an hour the whole American army's gonna be comin' down that road. Why don't you do yourself a great, big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?

German tank commander: I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American army.

Kelly: Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American army. It's gonna fall in our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.

German tank commander: You... the American army!

Oddball: No, baby, we ain't.

Big Joe: I thought I told you to bring me some good-looking kid, not this fat, sausage-chewing wino!

Kelly: Well, if you were looking for a young boy, you should have sent somebody else, Joe.

Oddball: [Talking to German tank officer] You know what's inside that bank, man? There's 16 million dollars worth of gold in the bank, sweetheart. Mm-hm, mm-hm.

[Tank officer's eyes grow wide]

Big Joe: That's about 65 million marks.

Kelly: And sergeant, all you have to do to have an equal share of this money is crank this turret around and blow a hole in that door.

[Points to bank]

Dermody: Mike! Mike!

[shrieks]

Dermody: Mike!

Kelly: [winces] Jesus Christ, Dermody! When's your voice gonna change?

Kelly: [frustrated] But there's something I'm not doing!

Allison Corwin: [lighthearted] Sure, you're not killing the bear.

Alec: We can't take any weather, she'll sink right under us.

Kelly: Well, that leaves just one thing... You've gotta evict some of the tenants.

Stan: So why did you kiss me last night?

Kelly: Stan, you kissed me.

Stan: So why didn't you tell me then?

Kelly: Because I didn't know.

Stan: Yes you did. You totally did. Ya know, and I totally saw it, 'cause after I kissed you, I saw it, you know? I saw... you left before you walked away.

Kelly: If you die... I will kill you.

Kelly: How many calories you think boogers have?

Ellen: I've got it under control. Nothing bad's gonna happen.

Kelly: How many people do you think are down there? Like 2 million? I bet a bunch of them who are about to die just said the exact same thing.

Kelly: You really need to get better so you never have to see those people ever again.

Matthew: Okay.

Kelly: Okay what?

Matthew: [dares Kelly] Show 'em the tape.

Kelly: I'm not fuckin' around.

Matthew: I just don't care anymore.

Kelly: This... is gonna be interesting.

Kelly: Ok people, let's make some fuckie Fuckie.

Kelly: You wanna be president? Lemme tell you the first rule of politics; Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means? It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences.

Kelly: Stay in school!

Kelly: [bursts into Matthew's classroom yelling] That fuckin' bitch just can't run away because she don't want to fuck on film anymore!

Kelly: [Kelly has just been sent a box of cigars by Matthew, containing a note saying "The Juice Was Worth The Squeeze"] Fuckin' kid.

[Upon observing the cheerleaders and football players]

Kelly: Man, there is some talent here. You get those girls together with those assbags right there and shoot 'em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom, that video would sell - Fuck, I'm good! How do I get these ideas? It's like a gift, you know? It's like I can't control it.

Kelly: Hey, you guys know Matty? I hung with him last night. Guy's the tits.

Kelly: Hey, you know who's got the killer bud?

[hits Klitz]

Kelly: This fucker right here.

[shows Ziplock bag filled with Marijuana]

Kelly: Sometimes in life if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad.

Matthew: Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.

Kelly: This is politics.

Kelly: If I'm gonna do this payment plan thing, I need a show of good faith, you know, something concrete.

Matthew: Well, like what?

Kelly: A blow job.

Matthew: Nah, I told you. She's not gonna do that anymore.

Kelly: Who said anything about her?

[beat]

Kelly: Yeah. We're definitely outside the box now, huh? Now you gotta ask yourself, how far are you willing to go, hmm? How much do you really care about her?

[Kelly unzips his pants, then starts laughing]

Kelly: I'm joking, man! Relax. Damn! Do I look gay to you?

Kelly: Friends don't fuck with each other's business.

Kelly: Those crazy little fuckers man, they sure know their numbers.

Kelly: Always leave 'em wanting more.

Kelly: Cool ride huh?

Jock # 1: Yeah... if you're a fag!

Kelly: [throws jock to the ground] Get in!

[to matthew]

Hugo Posh: Kelly! What do we say?

Kelly: Fuck you.

Hugo Posh: [chuckles] Always with the big words.

Matt: But then Samnang won't get his money!

Kelly: It's funny, you say that like I care. I don't give a shit!

[after Matt's parents and Dr. Salinger leave the dining room table, both Matt and Kelly have a private conversation with an assumed adult film tape Eli and his "minions" made during prom night]

Kelly: [turning cross] So how was Prom?

Matthew: That's mine.

Kelly: You know, we were gettin' along fine. But now you go and do this? This was my idea. Now I'm really gonna fuck your shit up!

Matthew: I'm gonna need that back.

Kelly: Oh.

[Kelly pushes the tape towards him]

Kelly: Take it from me.

[Matt leans forward and thinks about it, but Kelly thinks he's chicken]

Kelly: Yeah. What are you gonna do?

Matthew: [becomes brave] I don't have to do anything. Hugo Posh will. He's my partner on this 50-50. So... can I please have my tape back?

Kelly: FUCK...!

[coughs, then whispers]

Kelly: Fuck you. I'm takin' your half then.

Matthew: No. That money's going to Samnang. The money you stole from him!

Kelly: You say that like I care. I don't give a shit! You're giving me your half.

Matthew: And if I don't?

Kelly: [picks up the tape] Showtime.

Kelly: [after seeing the tape] What the fuck is this shit?

Kelly: Ah, it's cool. I like runnin' errands.

Kelly: We did it, you guys. We stopped time!

Kate Ellis: Kelly. Your profile pic is a low-fat Mexican casserole.

Kelly: [unashamed] Yeah. It is.

Kelly: Well, we just ate all this fucking 'X', so what the hell else are we supposed to do?

Jesse: The woman has a point.

[about Clinton's affair]

Russell T. McCormack: Arms for oil, no problem. But a little 'oral-ness' and you're headed for impeachment.

Will Hayes: Maybe he should be impeached.

Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you did not just say that!

[Russell, Gareth and Anne make similar exclamations]

April: You love him!

Will Hayes: We all did! We thought he was gonna be different then the other jokers, but this guy, he can't even define the word 'is'! What happens if they give him one of the hard words, like 'truth'?

Cheryl: I don't believe it!

Christie: What?

Cheryl: THAT!

Kelly: They're back!

Christie: Nice outfits. Post-it's must be really lucrative!

Michele: Romy, are you sure you wanna do this?

Romy: Oh yeah, Michele. I am SO sure!

[they approach Christie, Cheryl, & Kelly]

Romy: What the hell is your problem, Christie? Why the hell are you always such a nasty bitch? I mean, okay, so Michele and I did make up some stupid lie! We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings. But you know what I realized? I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you. You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think!

[Cheryl and Kelly laugh sarcastically]

Romy: Come on Michele.

Michele: Okay, and... YEAH!

Christie: Unbelievable! They're as deluded about their lives as they are about those HIDEOUS clothes

Lisa Luder: Actually Christie. They have nice lines. A fun, frisky use of color. All and all, I'd have to say they're really... NOT BAD!

Christie: Well, WE still think they're ridiculous. Don't we girls?

Lisa Luder: Why don't you just let them think for themselves for once?

Christie: You're just jealous. Because unlike a certain ball-busting dried up career woman, I might mention, we're all HAPPILY MARRIED!

Lisa Luder: That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that.

Kelly: I got a Harley-Davidson. Does that turn you on? Harley-Davidson?

Amanda Whurlitzer: We could use a good outfielder on our team

Kelly: Oh you call what you got a team?

Amanda Whurlitzer: What you got against baseball anyway?

Kelly: Well the baseball you guys play is for faggots and old farts with nothing better to do with themselves.

Amanda Whurlitzer: Well you must like those kind of guys you sure do hang around the field often enough!

Kelly: There's nice ass at the field, that's why I always hang around it.

Kelly: [entering after everyone refuses to wear cups] If she doesn't wear one neither do I.

Amanda Whurlitzer: What are you doing here?

Kelly: Some asshole changed my mind

Kelly: [after getting cold shoulder from everyone] Hey does anyone mind if I warm up too?

Tanner Boyle: We didn't think you needed anybody but yourself to play catch with!

Kelly: Just cool it, runt.

[they start fighting]

Kelly: What's your name?

Sean Bateman: Peter.

Kelly: Aren't you a senior?

Sean Bateman: No, I'm a freshman.

Kelly: Really? I thought you were older.

Sean Bateman: No, a freshman. Peter. Peter the Freshman.

Kelly: St. Trinian's is closing down.

[all the girls start to cheer]

Kelly: We're facing the biggest crisis of our lives and you're behaving like bloody children. If this place closes down, we have to go to other schools. And by that I mean *normal* schools.

Tania: [takes out a pack of Cigarettes]

Kelly: Tania what are you doing? You're ten! And you're carrying high-explosives!

Tania: It's not what you think Kel!

[puts Cigarettes up her nose]

Tara: It's for the smell!

Tania, Tara: We saw it on CSI!

Kelly: [the girls are trying to decide what to steal to save their school from foreclosure] What about that?

Kelly: [Points at copy of "Girl With Pearl Earring"]

Chelsea, Chloe, Peaches: [Gasp] Oh my God.

Chelsea: You want to steal Scarlett Johansson?

Kelly: You are so blonde, Chelsea.

Kelly: Wow, real milk!

Berke Landers: [singing] Kiss a little longer, stay close a little longer...

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: PROJECTION MR. BERKE... projection.

[singing]

Berke Landers: Kiss a little longer, stay close a little longer...

Kelly: Hold tight a little longer... longer with Big Red.

Berke Landers: That Big Red freshness lasts right through it.

Kelly and Basin: Your fresh breath goes on and on...

Everyone: While you chew it. So say goodbye a little longer, make it last a little longer...

Berke Landers: Give your breath long-lasting freshness... WITH BIG RED.

[Cheers from the audience]

Kelly: Are you crying?

Berke Landers: No, you're squeezing my puncture wound.

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: I'd like you to read this poster and tell me what it says at the bottom.

Kelly: "No food or drink allowed in the auditorium at any time."

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: It says "Twelve original songs by Dr. Desmond Forest Oates."

Kelly: Oh, that part.

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Yes, that part. I'll tell you what it doesn't say. It doesn't say "Additional lyrics by little miss sassy pants."

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Oh, that was fun. Who was the composer on that?

Kelly: Me, actually.

Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting applause?

Felix: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

Kelly: Don't worry Felix I'm handling it.

Felix: No, you're being handled by leather pants over here, there's a difference.

Berke: [reading the school play] Captain of the fairy band, Helena is close at hand. I'm understanding about every word of this shit.

Kelly: [Kelly and Basin enters] Berke.

Berke: Hey.

Kelly: What happened to your face?

Berke: A long story.

Kelly: A Midsummer Night's Dream? What, are you gonna try out for the show?

Berke: Kinda, sor - Maybe.

Kelly: Well, you know, if you're serious about it, I'm kinda good at that stuff.

Berke: Really?

Basin: Have you heard her songs?

[patting Kelly's shoulder]

Basin: She's only like the next Josie Mitchell.

Kelly: [putting her hand on Basin's shoulder] Joni Mitchell.

Berke: I-I could actually use some help. So, tommorow, coffee?

Kelly: Okay. Coffee would be great.

Berke: Okay.

Kelly: Bye.

Berke: Bye.

[Kelly and Basin leaves]

Basin: [mocking Kelly's words] If you're serious, I'm kinda good at that stuff.

Kelly: Shut up.

Basin: [mocking Kelly's words] Shut up!

[pats Kelly]

Kelly: [gasps] What?

Basin: Did you see Dennis staring at me again?

Kelly: Oh, I know, totally.

Basin: I told you.

Kelly: [seductively] Why don't you lose your laundry, Porter?

Kelly: When does ANY party start? When you get there!

Kelly: Up yours, Ratso!

Justin: Hey, you're the girl from the beach.

Kelly: My friends call me Kelly for short.

Justin: We need to talk.

Kelly: I have nothing to say to you.

Justin: Why are you being like this?

Kelly: What am I suppose to be like after what you've done?

Justin: What I did?

Kelly: You came on to her! Or should I reenact it for you? It's probably the same little show you put on for me, expect without a boat. I should've believed what everybody said about you in the first place.

Justin: I meant everything I said. And I didn't come on to her. She came on to me.

Kelly: Really? Why would she do that?

Justin: To break us up, Kelly! Listen, if anybody's gonna be mad around here, it should be me. You've been hot and cold. First you're blowing me off, and then you're leaving me these messages.

Kelly: What messages?

Justin: That's exactly what I'm talking about. And you accuse me of being a player. Well, you're the one playing games, Kelly. You know what? Game over.

Alexa: You okay?

Kelly: Yeah... No.

Alexa: Let's head back to the hotel.

[Alexa dumps her purse, her phone falls out]

Kelly: Oh Lex. Your phone.

[Kelly picks it up and begins to examine the text messages]

Alexa: Come on, y'all. Let's go.

Kelly: [she shakes her head after reading the messages sent to Justin] What?

Kaya: What did you do?

Alexa: Nothin'!

Kelly: How could you do this to me?

Alexa: I don't know. Kel, it's easy for you. I mean, you get people to see what you really are, and I-I've always been jealous. I know I shouldn't. I mean, we've been friends since forever, but... Kaya had a guy and you had Justin. I just felt like Miss Runner-Up. You have to believe that I did not mean to hurt you. I promise. I just-I just thought if I could get Justin to like me, then... Maybe I can be as good as you.

Kelly: You're nothing like me, Alexa. Because I would never do that to a friend.

Kelly: I'm from Texas, I've seen bigger.

Ben: [with couples therapist] Aren't we going to talk about what we're doing to each other *now*? Why don't we *talk* about what we are doing to each other now.

Kelly: What?

Ben: Why don't we talk about what we are doing to each other *now*?

Kelly: Wha, what. You didn't want to talk about *now* before...

Ben: No, *now*. You know what. *Now*.

Kelly: Yeah, but now *before* was not okay. Why is now *now* okay.

Ben: I don't have any problem with *now*, *you* have a problem with *now*.

Kelly: That is not why we're here.

Ben: That's why, uh. Doctor, is this some classic case of avoidance?

Kelly: [holding the ring] Where did you find this?

Jason: It's a... long story.

Charlie: No it's not. A stripper peed it into a toilet.

Jason: We are mature and legitimate detectives.

Kelly: What the hell is that smell?

Duncan: I drank dog urine.

[Talking about Abbie and Robert's baby]

Annabelle: Of course he'll be gorgeous.

Kelly: Will he be gay?

Abbie: My God, will your kids be stupid?

Kelly: [about his father] He's a VH1 documentary without the music.

Lance: Why are you dicking with me, you little dick. You wanna play, dick face?"

Kelly: Wait, you just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.

[after Kelly speaks out in class]

Principal Holmstead: Kelly we have to stop meeting like this.

Kelly: I mean, it's not my fault the teachers here suck.

Principal Holmstead: Growing up is a hard enough thing as it is.

Kelly: Is that what your box of tissues is for?

Kelly: So you invited me to your wedding?

Tabby: [crying] There isn't going to be a wedding. Minor kissed this woman he works with.

Kelly: Honestly, I didn't think you two were right for eachother. Like that painting. When you walk in you know exactly what it is, but when you look at it closely...

Tabby: I don't need your bullshit right now.

Kelly: I'm just trying to understand you, Tabby.

Tabby: I'm not as complicated as you think.

Kelly: I didn't say you were complicated.

[Tabby starts to cry, and Kelly goes to sit next to her]

Kelly: Don't cry. Please, don't cry.

Tabby: [laughing] You like me, don't you?

Kelly: Of course.

Tabby: No, like, you really like me.

Kelly: I think your amazing.

[first lines]

Maurice: [in German] I have to take a leak.

Kelly: [holding a knife to his neck from behind] Ssh.

Kelly: War is hell.

Sarah: Oh, well then, why do you do it?

Kelly: You're never more alive than when faced with simulated death.

Principal Holmstead: I know that some of the teachers around here can be pretty trying for you sometimes. But you've got to learn to work in the system, not against it.

Kelly: Why is that?

Principal Holmstead: Because growing up is a hard enough process as it is.

Kelly: Is that what your box of tissues is for?

Principal Holmstead: How am I going to get through to you?

Kelly: Well, advertising executives use status and sex to get through to my demographic.

Kelly: You know, a funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.

Abe: Oh, you mean Emmet. Well, they didn't have any empty beds at Care House.

Kelly: Emmet.

Abe: Uh huh.

Kelly: So you bring him to our house? Why don't you ever think about maybe he might be dangerous to me and mom? Or steal all of our furniture.

Abe: He needed a place to sleep tonight.

Kelly: Well, having him hear makes it feel more like home any way.

Abe: Hey, I've been straight for five years, almost six. That's a thirty year old life.

Kelly: Big deal. I've been straight the whole time.

[walks away]

Miner Weber: You still in high school?

Kelly: Yeah, I am. But I also moonlight as a stock boy over at the Shop Ease. And President Dawn Cominsky says every employee's part owner, so I guess you could say I'm a captain of industry - in training. Sort of, um, a "capitalist larvae".

Miner Weber: Wow, that's quite an image.

Kelly: Only if you see the most magical part. You see it?

Miner Weber: No, what is it?

Kelly: One day I'm going to be a beautiful butterfly, right? But first I have to be a pupa. And pupas don't really go out that much, so I don't think I'm going to be going out that much. Pupa, the awkward adolescence of the insect world.

Eve: When are you going to forgive him?

Kelly: When am I going to forgive him? That's quite a question, mom. When am I going to forgive him, hmm. I don't know, maybe, maybe when I forget all the lyrics to Little Mermaid sound track that he'd play me every time so he could go score. Maybe when we don't live in a house that's always for sale. I don't know - you know, I'll forgive him when I go to college. That's when I'll forgive him. I can't go, can I? 'Cause he took all the money out of my college fund, and bought Mexican black tar with it. And you're asking me to forgive this guy. No way.

Kelly: Had a busy night?

Claudia: So what's going on, Kelly? Anything?

Kelly: Same shit, different day.

Kelly: When people appear to be normal, I don't trust them!

[first lines]

Chris Pratt: It only happens once a year, and then they die. It's like a mating ritual or something.

Kelly: Isn't that romantic?

Kelly: I saw a broken down piece of machinery. Nothing but the buck, the bed and the bottle for the rest of my life. That's what I saw.

Capt. Griff: [Interested in the champagne that Kelly is selling] "Angel Foam"... Never heard of it.

Kelly: It's an exclusive line I'm introducing in this state.

Capt. Griff: Domestic, or... imported?

Kelly: Angel Foam goes down like liquid gold, and it comes up like slow dynamite... For the man of taste.

Buff: [Referring to the offer to work at Candy's club as a prostitute, which Kelly seeks to talk her out of] Friend said I could make 300 dollars a week.

Kelly: All right, go ahead. You know what's different about the first night? Nothing. Nothing... except it lasts forever, that's all. You'll be sleeping on the skin of a nightmare for the rest of your life. Oh, you're a beautiful girl, Buff. Young... Oh, they'll outbid each other for you. You'll get clothes, compliments, cash... And you'll meet men *you* live on... and men who live on you. And those are the only men you'll meet. And, after a steady grind of making EVERY john feel at home, you'll become a block of ice. If you do happen to melt a little, you'll get slipped a tip behind Candy's back. You'll be every man's wife-in-law, and no man's wife. Why, your world with Candy will become so warped that you'll hate all men. And you'll hate yourself! Because you'll become a social problem, a medical problem, a MENTAL problem!... And a despicable failure as a woman.

Kelly: But listen, let's all go out for a drink sometimes. Yeah?

John: Yeah, yeah.

Kelly: You know, call me, okay?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kelly: Alright. Listen, I'm under Evelyn Waugh. Shh, okay?

Charlotte: [after Kelly leaves] Evelyn Waugh? Evelyn Waugh was a man.

John: Oh, come on, she's nice. What? You know, not everybody went to Yale. It's just a pseudonym, for Christ's sake.

Kelly: Everybody is always, like, "Kelly, you are anorexic." And, I'm like, "No, I'm not." I eat all kinds... I eat so much junk food, you wouldn't believe it. I'd have a heart attack...

John: I thought you were anorexic...

Kelly: Everybody does...

John: [gesturing with his hands] Yeah, because you look so...

Kelly: [enthusiastically] Thank you. I know.

Kelly: John, John. You are my favorite photographer.

John: Ohhh...

Kelly: No. You are. I only want you to shoot me. It's true.

[both laugh]

Kelly: Oh my God, I have the worst B.O. right now, I'm sorry.

[both laugh again]

Kelly: [like there's something wrong with it] Wife?

Kelly: Okay, so are you going to join me for this power cleanse?

[Charlotte leaves the table and moves to the bar]

Kelly: What's the religion, here, Christian?

DJ: Buddhism.

[Charlotte watches Kelly at a publicity interview explain her working relationship with Keanu Reeves]

Kelly: And we both have two dogs, and we both live in L.A., so we have all these different things in common.

[opening lines; all in voiceover]

Yasmine: [as she dances] Dark phrases of womanhood, of never having been a girl. Half-note scattered without rhythm.

Juanita: [as she waters her plants] ... without rhythm. No tune distraught. Laughter falling over a black girl's shoulders. It's funny...

Gilda: [as she cleans dust away with her broom] ... funny. It's hysterical. The melodylessness of her dance. Don't tell nobody, don't tell a soul. She's dancing on beer cans and shingles.

Jo: [as she readies herself for bed] She's dancing on beer cans and shingles. This must be the spook house. Another song with no singers, lyrics no voices and uninterrupted solos, unseen performances. Are we ghouls? Children of horror?

Alice: [as she prays in her closet] Children of horror? The joke? Don't tell nobody, don't tell a soul. Are we animals? Have we gone crazy?

Kelly: [as she looks at a pregnancy test] ... gone crazy? I can't hear anything but maddening screams and the soft strains of death. And you promised me. You promised somebody. Anybody. Sing a black girl's song.

Nyla: [as she walks to the stage for her diploma] ... a black girl's song. Bring her out to know herself. To know you, but sing her rhythms caring...

Tangie: [as she reads over unseen documents] ... caring, struggle. Hard times, sing her song of life. She's been dead so long, closed in silence so long.

Crystal: [as she has sex with Beau Willie] ... so long.She doesn't know the sound of her own voice, her infinite beauty. She's half-note scattered without rhythm, no tune. Sing her sighs... Sing the song of her possibilities. Sing a righteous gospel. Let her be born.

Yasmine, Juanita, Gilda, Jo, Alice, Kelly, Nyla, Tangie, Crystal: [simultaneously] Let her be born and handled warmly. And this is for colored girls who have considered suicide but moved to the ends of their own rainbows.

Juanita: Now, how many times have you heard your man say it don't feel the same? My love is too beautiful to have it thrown back on my face.

Yasmine: I like that.

Juanita: Try one.

Yasmine: What?

Juanita: Well, I do it all the time in my class. You just say, "My love is too ____," and you just fill in the blank.

Gilda: My love is too sanctified to have it thrown back on my face.

Kelly: My love is too magic to have it thrown back on my face.

Tangie: My love is too "Saturday Night" to have it thrown back on my face.

Jo: My love is too complicated to have it thrown back on my face.

Yasmine: My love is too music to have it thrown back on my face.

Juanita: Yes, and you remember that when a man tries to walk off with all your stuff!

Niko: Something is wrong.

Kelly: What is it?

Niko: Her sisters are coming for vengeance.

Kelly: I am not ready to die.

Niko: Living as a slave, like him, is a worse fate than death. Maybe we'll all die, but at least we'll kill all those monsters, one by one! Starting with you!

Kelly: What freaks you out more? Getting bailed out by your girlfriend or knowing she was adding me to her fantasy file?

[drives away]

Pete: What'd he say?

Jasper: I think he just said 'come kick my ass'.

Kelly: Oh Drew, there was this horrible voice, on the telephone...

Drew: A heavy breather?

Kelly: No, worse than that!

Drew: He turned you on, didn't he? I ought to try that sometime.

Kelly: I'm serious!

Drew: So am I!

Catherine: [after learning what they're up against] What are we supposed to do? Just go back to work?

Kelly: What would you rather have? A wreath of garlic? A benediction? A crucifix?

Catherine: Then it really is Old Scratch knocking at the door.

Kelly: Hello? I'm opening the door, if you want to stop what you're doing and put your clothes on!

Kelly: The only way to protect ourselves is to live in a box.

Jim: Hi, I'm Jim Kessel. I'm here at the Trinity National Forest along Route 96 also known as The Bigfoot Byway. I'm here with my girlfriend Kelly Monteleone where we plan on retracing the famed 1967 Patterson Gimlin footage, and our search for Bigfoot.

[pause]

Jim: What's that face?

Kelly: Just... it's your thing, just make it about... you. You know, no girlfriend, my name, all that.

Jim: You don't want to be in the movie and now you're Stanley fuckin' Kubrick.

Kelly: Who won?

Josh: I'm not supposed to tell, IT WASN'T YOU.

Kelly: How's the werewolf hunting going, Sheriff?

Phil: It's not a werewolf!

Kelly: Are you coming to the party?

Paul: Of course we're coming to the party.

Kelly: Then just head back that way, it's a left, and a right...

Lisa: Follow us, if you think you can keep up.

Ben Lane: They got a horse.

Frank Jesse: So?

Ben Lane: A good one they claim. They wanna make a trade.

Kelly: For what?

Ben Lane: You.

[discussing the care and feeding of their captive]

Kelly: How am I supposed to send you to feed the broad when you smell like that? It ain't the gentlemanly thing to do, but I got no choice, so go feed her, Bear.

Bear: Me? Well, what do you feed one of them rich women?

Kelly: I don't know. Feed her what you eat.

Dutch: Remember, if it's a canned good, it's what's in the can. It's not the can!

Murray: Slut!

Kelly: Takes one to know one, John.

Murray: You think you're in charge? You think you're just gonna walk away? Well, fuck you, Sharkly! How long before someone comes through here, huh? I mean, we're not on a desert island, right? I say dawn, seven a.m. at the latest, there'll be joggers. It's a park. It's a public fucking park! I'm gonna hunt you down, you little psycho. You and your whole Manson family: Kelly, Dwayne, K fucking C! Oh yeah. I haven't just been sitting up here, jerking off. How long do you think it's gonna take the police to track down that group of names, huh? Just with that stupid fucking nickname, Shark. How many high schools need to be checked, how many police records?

Kelly: [scared] I knew it. Fuck.

KC: Shark?

Murray: [yells louder and louder as the scene goes on] Let her go, bat-boy, it doesn't matter, now. You had your chance. But you're all fucked now! Each one of you! You hear me, Shark? You're gonna lose! I'll tell you something about people like me: people like me win! You hear me?

[at the top of his lungs]

Murray: I'm gonna fuck you, but good! So come and get it!

Murray: It's over, scumbag. You do value your friend, and you know something? That's good. For me.

[takes out the knife]

Murray: You know how to stop the bleeding from a major artery? You have to isolate the wound, press down. Believe it or not, I actually did it once. Life rescue. But you gotta be right the first time ...

Kelly: Don't.

Murray: Oh, I think so. Here's the plan: I'm gonna cut your friend and I'm gonna drop him. Then I'm gonna tell you how to pinch off the bleeding while someone goes for help. No help, he's dead in 15 minutes. Okay, everybody ready? Or maybe we can spare him the trouble, huh? Send the big guy to the park right now. If he's back with the cops in 15 minutes, I won't poke a hole in the president.

Shark: Nobody's leaving.

Kelly: Yes, okay? Just don't.

Murray: Okay. Anybody else wanna vote for my plan?

Kelly: [to Murray] I knew it. I could smell it. You have "trick" written all over you.

Kelly: [to Dwayne] No... No, I hate you! I hate you! Let go of me! You're a fucking leech. You're a moping, hag, dog, stupid waste of a fucking life! Fuck! Just leave me the fuck alone! Leave me alone!

Murray: Dwayne. You deserve better than this. I know... I know people. And you gotta know, she doesn't feel about you the way you feel about her. I mean, you think she's your girl? You think she'll be faithful? You think she cares? She doesn't care. I know that's hard for you to understand, now.

Dwayne: You don't know what you're talking about.

Murray: I'm not trying to hurt you, here. Just open your eyes. Fuck! Kelly's a... Kelly is a...

Dwayne: My sister. She's my sister. You know, I'm listenin' to you, sittin' up there just, you know, talking and talking, like you got everything all figured out. 'Cause you, yeah, you know people. You don't know shit, Murray. We're not people. We're just a bunch of cowards and punks and traitors, right?

Murray: No.

Dwayne: 'Cause if we were people, then you might have to care. And you just don't give a fuck, do you?

Murray: No, I care.

Dwayne: Oh, you care? Yeah, who do you care about, huh? Your wife?

Murray: Of course.

Dwayne: Or your mistress? Care about your boy... or your dealer? Your six-figure job: breathmints, dandruff shampoo... What do you really care about, huh? You care about Carter? Do you have *any* idea what you've done to him? Do you? Care about me? Is that why you gotta tell me about Kelly? All right. You know people. What is she then? My sister's a what?

Murray: I was just gonna say that...

Dwayne: [yelling] My sister's a what?

Murray: Kelly's a... Kelly's addicted to drugs.

Dwayne: [smiling] No shit! You're a real people person, all right!

[last lines]

Murray: [about KC] He's right. The cops are gonna come with the ambulance. You should go.

[Shark shakes his head no]

Kelly: I'm stayin' too.

Dusty: Violence is like an A Bomb. It ripples out.

Kelly: When does it stop?

Dusty: Whadda ya mean, stop?

Grandma Sarah: This can't be Santa Rio! My son, Tom Turner, said it was a thriving town!

Kelly: It was; but when the silver run out, the thrivin' run out with it.

Kelly: [Josie has walked into the saloon in Santa Rio] What'll you have?

Josey Wales: Whiskey.

Rose: [laughing] Maybe you'd like somethin' else.

Josey Wales: Beer?

Kelly: Been a long time since somebody ordered a drink in San Rio.

Ten Spot: Been a long time since we had anythin' to drink.

Kelly: Yep, first the silver run out, then the people run out, then the whiskey run out, then the beer run out. Don't matter, it's good to see a high roller come through.

[Josie walks out]

Kelly: What's the matter with him?

Rose: I guess some folks don't like to be called 'high rollers'. I knew a man once; he didn't like to be called 'high handed'.

Johnny Moon: I'll leave if you want me to, but you better not stay here alone.

Kelly: Wherever I am, I am alone.

Johnny Moon: I guess that makes us about the same.