Keith Bergman Quotes in Two Weeks (2006)

Keith Bergman: You forgot to tell them how to wipe their asses. Is it front to back or back to front?

Keith Bergman: That's what love is all about... blood, IVs, and puking.

Anita Bergman: ...and then I started to cry and my nose was running because you were the ugliest baby I'd ever seen... so ugly.

Keith Bergman: Yeah, but I... I got better looking right?

Anita Bergman: ...

Barry Bergman: How's it coming?

Emily Bergman: Well, I got pretty good when I skipped school but it's been a while.

Barry Bergman: Forgery's like riding a bicycle, you never forget how... I've heard.

Matthew Bergman: What do I get to do?

Keith Bergman: You're driving the get-away car.

Keith Bergman: If you hear gunfire, make sure the engine's running, doors are unlocked.

Keith Bergman: Well, the confessing thing worked out for you, but next time just rat out Barry, he's already got a record.

Barry Bergman: Blow me.

Keith Bergman: Left your cell phone.

Barry Bergman: Yep

Keith Bergman: Don't you think we should bring it?

Barry Bergman: Nope, you want to find out your mother died in the cereal aisle of Sir Buy-a-Lot?

Keith Bergman: Nope.

Keith Bergman: My mom brought me up that there was a solution to every problem. So tell me...

[leans into intercom mic]

Keith Bergman: who do I have to fuck, to get the Sir Buy a Lot discount on my orange juice?

[in the parking lot]

Barry Bergman: I've never been thrown out of a grocery store.

Keith Bergman: Hi, I'm meeting my mother and I didn't see her come off the plane.

Customer Service Rep: Sir, this is the luggage office.

Keith Bergman: Right, she's about this big

[holds hands about a foot apart]

Keith Bergman: coming on the 245 from Charlotte and she's probably addressed to me, that's Keith Bergman.