Kate Quotes in Tombstone (1993)

Curly Bill: [takes a bill with Wyatt's signature from a customer and throws it on the faro table] Wyatt Earp, huh? I heard of you.

Ike Clanton: Listen, Mr. Kansas Law Dog. Law don't go around here. Savvy?

Wyatt Earp: I'm retired.

Curly Bill: Good. That's real good.

Ike Clanton: Yeah, that's good, Mr. Law Dog, 'cause law don't go around here.

Wyatt Earp: I heard you the first time.

[flips a card]

Wyatt Earp: Winner to the King, five hundred dollars.

Curly Bill: Shut up, Ike.

Johnny Ringo: [Ringo steps up to Doc] And you must be Doc Holliday.

Doc Holliday: That's the rumor.

Johnny Ringo: You retired too?

Doc Holliday: Not me. I'm in my prime.

Johnny Ringo: Yeah, you look it.

Doc Holliday: And you must be Ringo. Look, darling, Johnny Ringo. The deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darling? Should I hate him?

Kate: You don't even know him.

Doc Holliday: Yes, but there's just something about him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I hate him.

Wyatt Earp: [to Ringo] He's drunk.

Doc Holliday: In vino veritas.

["In wine is truth" meaning: "When I'm drinking, I speak my mind"]

Johnny Ringo: Age quod agis.

["Do what you do" meaning: "Do what you do best"]

Doc Holliday: Credat Judaeus apella, non ego.

["The Jew Apella may believe it, not I" meaning: "I don't believe drinking is what I do best."]

Johnny Ringo: [pats his gun] Eventus stultorum magister.

["Events are the teachers of fools" meaning: "Fools have to learn by experience"]

Doc Holliday: [gives a Cheshire cat smile] In pace requiescat.

["Rest in peace" meaning: "It's your funeral!"]

Tombstone Marshal Fred White: Come on boys. We don't want any trouble in here. Not in any language.

Doc Holliday: Evidently Mr. Ringo's an educated man. Now I really hate him.

Kate: I've been good to you, I've taken care of you. If you die, where does that leave me?

Doc Holliday: Without a meal ticket I suppose.

[Doc rides horse out of barn into stable area, Kate runs out after him punching him in anger]

Kate: You bastard!

Doc Holliday: Why Kate, have you no kind words for me as I ride away?

[pause]

Doc Holliday: I calculate not.

[rides off]

Wat: You have been weighed.

Roland: You have been measured.

Kate: And you have absolutely...

Chaucer: Been found wanting.

William: Welcome to New World. God save you, if it is right that He should do so.

Kate: With hope. Love should end with hope. My husband, God rest him, told me something I'll never forget.

[in a letter]

Kate: Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.

Kate: It is romantic though.

Roland: Are you a woman or a blacksmith?

Kate: Sometimes I'm both.

Roland, Chaucer, Kate, Wat: [singing] He's blond, he's pissed, he'll see you in the lists, Lichtenstein! Lichtenstein! He's blond, he's tanned, he comes from Gelderland, he comes from Gelderland! Gelderland, Gelderland, Gelderland... Gelderland, Gelderland, Gelderland...

Wat: Say something about her breasts.

Roland: Yeah, you miss her breasts.

William: Her breasts.

Chaucer: Ye... yes, you... you could, umm... umm... but I... I would tend to look above her breasts, William.

William: Well I... I miss her throat.

Chaucer: Uh, still higher really, toward the heavens.

Kate: The moon at least, her breasts were not that impressive.

William: [on asking Kate to mend his armour] It's just as well, they told me I was daft for even asking.

Kate: Who?

William: The other armourers.

Kate: Did they say I couldn't do it because I'm a woman?

William: No, they said you were great with horseshoes, but shite with armour. The fact that you were a woman wasn't even mentioned.

Kate: With hope, love should end with hope

Chaucer: A bit higher. More toward the heavens.

Kate: The moon at least. Her breasts aren't that impressive.

[last lines]

Roland, Chaucer, Kate: Your round!

Kate: Captain.

Steve Rogers: Neighbor.

Kate: Stand down! Captain's orders!

Brock Rumlow: You're on the wrong side!

Kate: That depends on where you're standing.

[Just before the MacLeod clan goes to war]

Kate: Angus, you'll keep him in one piece, ya hear?

Dugal MacLeod: And we all know what piece that is!

Kate: Where are you taking us?

Richie: Mexico.

Kate: What's in Mexico?

Richie: Mexicans.

[Richard day-dreaming]

Kate: Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please?

Richie: Uhh... sure.

Jacob: Does anybody know what's going on here?

Seth: I know what's going on. We got a bunch of fucking vampires out there, trying to get in here and suck our fucking blood. And that's it. Plain and simple. I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires," because I don't fucking believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what I saw, is fucking vampires. Now, do we all agree that what we are dealing with is vampires?

Kate: Yes.

Kate: Are you okay?

Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.

Sex Machine: What's your name, girlie?

Kate: Kate. What's yours?

Sex Machine: Sex Machine. Pleased to meet you, Kate.

Kate: Seth, should I save the last bullets for us?

Seth: No, use 'em on the next two fucks that try to bite you!

Kate: Daddy, what would Momma say?

Jacob: Momma's got nothin' to say. She's dead!

Kate: What are you doing?

Richie: We are having a bikini contest, and you just won.

J.T.: Problem is Emmet, you killed the wrong McKendrick.

Kate: J.T. Watch what you're saying around Augie. Emmet didn't kill anybody.

Emmett: Well Kate, it was self-defense sure enough, but I do think you'd have to say I killed old Murdo. Yeah I think that's definitely the word.

Kate: Why did that engine explode?

Nick: Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put in the back of that guy's van.

Chet: What? That's some John McClane shit! Yes!

Kate: How did you remember the code?

Nick: [hesitates] It doesn't matter. We are alive, and we are rich.

Kate: You're late.

Nick: No, no, I'm 45 minutes late, which is, like 10 minutes early for me.

Max: Who's ever after you are real pros.

Kate: I guess I should be proud, it would be embarrassing to be killed by an amateur.

Adam: [nervous] Are you looking for hardware... or is it software you're interested in?

Kate: [sexy] Hardware. I was hoping to demo your unit.

Adam: I'd have to... boot up first.

Kate: [sexy] Well, why... don'cha?

Kate: No one tried to kill me! This is Miami. I'm local. We only shoot the tourists.

Manfred von Richthofen: Mademoiselle! Have I done something wrong? Am I not worth an answer, or is it just you hate all men?

Käte: Hate? I don't hate you. Hate is a male domain.

Manfred von Richthofen: But you are angry, aren't you?

Käte: [grabbing the scarf] There is another man's blood on it. And you do not seem to care. Men like you scared me because I do not understand why you do what you do. And being scared makes me angry...

[continues up the stairs]

Manfred von Richthofen: Wait, WAIT! Imagine you were out there, like a hawk. Looking down... The wind blows around you. The smell of the engine, draft from the propeller. Out there you can just fall, you can climb, turn, spin... Freedom! That's what men always dreamt of. I've dreamt of it since I was a little boy. But the best part, is the chase! The fights... The hunt! It's like a match. A joust, just like sports.

Käte: Tennis does not kill you. It's childish dreams that got your friends killed. No, I don't hate you, Baron. I pity you.

Käte: Dance with me.

Manfred von Richthofen: No. Better not... No. I am an infernally miserable dancer.

Käte: Imagined you're flying...

Käte: There are so many hospitals now they have to give them numbers. This is No: 76. There's 500 patients. Most of these men will die. Those that don't will never walk again, see again, taste again... love again! No, it's not great to have a hole your head. You're lucky to be still alive. Being born of nobility, you've advantages these men here do not. They don't have choices. It's not a game. This is the lowest we'll ever get. It never gets darker.

[last lines]

Käte: [over Manfred's grave] I could not come sooner. It's not so easy to cross the line into British territory. Finally a friend of ours help me. He asked me why it was important for me to come here? I told him I love you. Did I ever tell you?

Eric: Hi. What are you making?

Kate: Stew. It's your favorite.

Eric: Aren't you going to turn around?

Kate: I saw it on the news.

Eric: I'm okay.

Kate: You're always okay.

Eric: Are you alright?

Kate: I'm sorry.

[turns around]

Eric: Why?

Kate: [sees his bandaged arm, gets upset] Another scar to add to your collection?

Eric: [insistent] I'm alright.

Kate: Well, I'm not! I'm married to a man who's job is to be willing to die at any given moment for any given reason!

Eric: Jeez, do we have to keep going through this?

Kate: What kind of a life is that?

Eric: You knew what I did when you married me.

Kate: No! You were an investigator when I married you, not - not a bodyguard. Look, I just can't live my life waiting for you to walk through that door dead or alive!

Kate: [to Kid] I have nightmares sometimes, too. But they don't make me wake up screaming, they just leave me feeling kind of empty.

Kate: Take off your pants.

[Kid looks surprised]

Kate: I want to wash your things.

Claudette: And Runt, what about you? Constantly hugging Freida and Fran, the porcupines? Yea, 'cause that's really normal.

Kate: Wait a minute! That's why i'm always pulling needles outta you?

Runt: They never get hugs.

Claudette: Because they're mean girls.

Runt: No, they're not mean. They're just prickly. And they wanted to come on our trip too.

[first lines]

Humphrey: Okay, pups. As we continue on our first family vacation to Alfred Creek Falls, it's time for my infamous animal impressions!

[the pups groan in disgust]

Kate: Groans? Oh, come on pups. You used to love your dad's animal impressions.

Claudette: Yeah, until they got weird as hell.

Kate: So how are you two gonna get to the mountains? There's too many fields. You'll be spotted.

Julia: We don't have a choice. They're cutting the forest right behind us. You and your family need to hid.

Kate: How long is this gonna go on?

Julia: It usually lasts for 5 moons or so.

[they both start running]

Julia: We're going for it.

Kate: Be careful!

Garrett: If we live through this, I'll follow you anywhere, woman.

Kate: Now you tell me?

Kate: [taking Bella's hand and zinging her with an electric charge] Oh yeah, she's a shield, all right. Should have put her on her ass.

Garrett: Or your voltage has been exaggerated.

Kate: [holds her hand out to Garrett] Maybe it only works on the weak.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Garrett, I wouldn't.

[Garrett touches Kate's palm and falls to his knees from the electric shock]

Garrett: [looks at Kate, promptly smitten with her] You, are an amazing woman.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Vladimir. Stefan. You're a long way from home.

Kate: What are they doing here?

Vladimir: We heard the Volturi were moving against you, but that you would not stand alone.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: We didn't do what we were accused of.

Vladimir: [dismissively] We do not care what you did, Carlisle.

Stefan: We have been waiting a millennium for the Italian scum to be challenged.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen: It's not our plan to fight the Volturi.

Vladimir: Shame. Aro's witnesses will be so disappointed.

Stefan: They enjoy a good fight.

Eleazar: Aro's witnesses?

Vladimir: Aw. Still hoping they'll listen?

Kate: How many Lizzies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hmmm, I don't know, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation.

Gordo: Wow, evil and smart.

Kate: Embrace it. Fear it.

Ethan: When are we going to eat spaghetti?

Kate: Its like nine in the morning.

Ethan: So what? You've never had spaghetti for breakfast before?

Kate: I don't eat carbs!

Ethan: So I suppose you've never had a spaghetti sandwich before?

Kate: This experience is so totally wasted on you...

Miss Ungermeyer: Craft! Sanders! Seperate!

Kate: Oh, we did! And thank god!

Miss Ungermeyer: Ok, let's try something at your education level and take a ten minute shopping break while I choke down an espresso.

Lizzie: Kate, you don't eat carbs.

Kate: I'd eat carbs if an Italian boy bought them for me!

Kate: Ahh!

Humphrey: Ahh!

Kate: Ahh!

[Grunt's in disgust]

Humphrey: [laughs] Where's Barf?

Kate: It's Garth, and we're just taking a little break.

Humphrey: A break?

Kate: What, is that so strange?

Humphrey: No, no, no no no, are you kidding? I always like to take a break, ten minutes into a howl.

Kate: Well I do!

[from trailer]

Paddy: You were relocated to re-populate.

Kate: Ah!

Humphrey: Oh, sounds good to me.

[Kate puts her paw under Humphrey's chin]

Kate: No.

Kate: [Kate and Humphrey come across a bear] Don't move, we can handle this.

Humphrey: We can?

[Suddenly, two more bears join in]

Kate: Okay, *now* we're in trouble!

Humphrey: [as he and Kate spin wildly through the air] What are you doing up here?

Kate: I'm practice-hunting for our lunch.

Humphrey: Oh good, 'cause I'm about to lose mine.

[Gulps]

Kate: You are? Ew.

Humphrey: I'll try to swallow it.

Kate: Ow! Where am I? Ow!

Humphrey: Ughh!

Kate: Humphrey?

Humphrey: Kate! Where are we?

Kate: I don't know.

Humphrey: Oh, maybe we're dead.

[Both yell ow]

Humphrey: Nope, definitely not dead.

Kate: Ow!

Humphrey: Well, at least they left us some water.

Kate: You got water?

Humphrey: Nope, definitely not water... Kate, what are you doing?

Kate: Trying to get out! Aghh!

Humphrey: Ah! Whoa calm down, listen maybe they are taking us to where there is more food.

Kate: Or maybe we are the food.

Humphrey: Oh, Kate, you're right, fight, fight fight fight!

[Both struggle in cages]

Humphrey: Guys, honestly, caribou is overrated.

Kate: Hmph.

Humphrey: Now instead, keep an open mind, I just want you to keep an open mind here. We bring you, berries!

[Wolves growl]

Humphrey: Oh, heh heh, how about squirrels?

[Wolves drool and the squirrels scream]

Humphrey: Oh, bad joke, flying squirrels ha ha.

Kate: There has to be another way for us to get to Jasper.

Marcel: Another way... another way... always another way... what am i... a travel agent?

Garth: [about Humphrey] Who's the coyote?

Humphrey: "Who's the coyote?"... Oh, i get it. That's good... Cuz i'm like...

Kate: [Interrupting] No one important. Lilly, why don't you take little coyote Humphrey and run along?

[after getting into a fight with another wolf]

Humphrey: You mess with the girl again, and you're dead!

Kate: [surprised] Humphrey!

[from trailer]

Kate: What's wrong with you?

[Humphrey has his paws between his legs]

Humphrey: I have to go.

Kate: Can't you hold it?

Humphrey: No! I can't.

Eve: Aww Kate, you look so beautiful. Now, if Garth gets out of line, take those beautiful teeth of your's, go for the throat and don't let go until the body stops shaking.

Kate: [Looks around in shock]

Winston: [Clears throat] My little girl doesn't want to do this, she's not ready.

Kate: Don't worry dad, I'm ready.

Winston: [laughs]

Kate: Come on Lilly.

Lilly: Ok, ok.

Humphrey: We make a pretty good team.

Kate: Yeah. We do.

Humphrey: [about Garth] He's not a stud, it's like stud... uh, what's the word I'm looking for? A dud! That's it! Don't you think?

Kate: [Stifling a laugh] No, he's not a "dud." In fact, *Hum-phrey*, you'd be surprised to find out that he's...

Humphrey: Strong?

Kate: Strong, yes! He's *strong*!

Kate: [Kate and Garth are about to be married] I... can't.

Garth: You can't!

[Pumps his fist and sighs in relief]

Garth: I mean... you can't?

Tony: What's this, Winston? Why can't she marry Garth?

Winston: Quiet!

[Softly, to Kate]

Winston: Kate, why can't you marry Garth?

Kate: Because I, sort of, uh... fell in love with an Omega.

Kate: [Stands up a little and looks around]

Kate: Is everyone starring at us?

Humphrey: Uhhh... well, no not everyone... Yeah! Now they are.

Kate: Oh, damn! 'Cause i wanted to tell you something.

Humphrey: You know, we make a pretty good team. Kate and Humphrey, their old adventures. What do ya think?

Kate: I think you're crazy.

Humphrey: You think i'm... whoa! No, no i'm telling ya... We're on to something here. Hey baby, stick with me and we'll go places.

Kate: [laughs a little] Well, i'll keep that in mind.

Kate: I think it's about time you should learn how to hunt.

Humphrey: You know i'm not a hunter, but i got some pretty cool moves.

Kate: Oh really?

Humphrey: Yeah, really.

[playfully tackles her]

Humphrey: Ha ha! What did i tell ya?

Kate: To tell you the truth, i'm impressed.

Kate: Humphrey, i just wanted to tell you: these past couple of days, they've been... kinda... fun. You've been kinda... fun.

Humphrey: [with a smile] Really?

Kate: Yeah, really.

Humphrey: Well, that's... that's great. I told you, baby. We make a pretty good team.

Kate: We definitely do.

[she giggles]

Kate: [Kate tries to stand on to a slippery rock and looks down to see a river] Humphrey!

Humphrey: [Tarzan yell and swings towards Kate] Don't worry Kate, it's all part of the plan

Kate: I can see that

Humphrey: Kate, grab my tail.

Kate: Grab your what?

Humphrey: Take those alpha jaws and grab...

[Kate bites Humphrey tail]

Humphrey: OW! my tail, my tail

Chloe: ...NO!

Kate: No!

Chloe: No!

Kate: Why do you win? I wanted to win!

Chloe: When is it our turn?

Kate: Why? Why?

Chloe, Kate: No! No!

Kate: It should have been us!

Kate: Why do you get to decide if I'm pretty?

Kate: We're not losers...

Chloe: We're Kate and Chloe.

Kate: Kate me. Chloe her.

Chloe: Kate and Chloe.

Kate: [in a "vox pop" segment] My surfboard, uh, well, it's made out of palm wood... and while it's not very pretty...

[the skeg of the surfboard can be seen falling off]

Kate: ...it does the job quite well.

Kate: Anne-Marie do you like your waffles?

Anne-Marie: Oh, yes! Very much, thank you.

Harold: No, thank you!

Kate: Anne-Marie where do you live?

Anne-Marie: I live with Charlie! He's my dog.

Harold: But where do you stay?

Anne-Marie: With Charlie in the junk yard.

Kate: Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole!

Kate: As you know Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth grade English class.

[gets up and writes on blackboard]

Kate: Asshole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs Weaver?

Emily: Yes, I am and I've spoken to the Principal...

Kate: Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit, like the rest of them.

Emily: [looking at Cal] This is not about Robbie...

Kate: Asshole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous!

Emily: Ewww!

Kate: I'm five years sober asshole!

Kate: What do you want to do with me?

Cal: I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!

Kate: Now I have another reason to hate Christmas.

Billy Peltzer: What are you talking about?

Kate: The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn't home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That's when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down the chimney... his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.

Kate: You say you hate Washington's Birthday or Thanksgiving and nobody cares, but you say you hate Christmas and people treat you like you're a leper.

Kate: What're they doing?

Billy Peltzer: They're watching Snow White. And they love it.

Kate: Will you sign this petition? They're trying to close Dorie's Tavern.

Billy Peltzer: Sure. That's where my dad proposed to my mom, you know.

Kate: That's where everyone's dad proposed to their mom.

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor: [drunk, looking inside his car] Gremlins...

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor: [turning to Billy and Kate] You got-you gotta watch out for them forgeiners cuz they plant gremlins in their machinery.

[he climbs inside the car]

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor: It's the same gremlins that brought down our planes in the big one.

Kate: [laughing] The big one...

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor: [turning round] that's right! World war two.

[he puts his hand to his head]

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor: Good old WWII.

Murry Futterman, Billy's neighbor: [Murray tries to start his car] Y'know their still shippin them over here. They put em in cars, they put em in yer tv. They put em in stereos and those little radios you stick in your ears. They even put em in watches, they have teeny gremlins for our watches!

Billy Peltzer: They're Inside.

Kate: All Of Them?

Kate: What are they, Billy?

Billy Peltzer: They're gremlins, Kate, just like Mr. Futterman said.

Kate: [ready to leave for a date] Come on, Andy! Move your ass!

Andy: Hang on, hon! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!

Kate: [Kate is sitting at a table working on her laptop and eating some chocolate cake when Jack arrives home] Hi honey. How was the game?

Jack: Long, boring, and generally pretty sad. Arnie seemed to enjoy it. Sorta.

[he opens up the refrigerator and looks inside]

Jack: Hey where's that chocolate cake?

Kate: [Kate looks at her plate and back at Jack] Do you mean this chocolate cake?

Jack: [Jack looks at her and shuts the fridge door. He starts walking to her] That's my piece. I was saving it because I got nauseated by that pre-cooked mini-mall rotisserie chicken.

Kate: [eating the cake in a mocking manner] Mmm. Mmm. It's good.

Jack: [points at the cake] Gimme that cake.

Kate: No way!

[He makes a move to reach for it, but she pulls the plate further away]

Jack: Come on.

Kate: I'm sorry. It's too important to me.

[Jack pauses for a moment before quickly reaching for the cake, but Kate quickly grabs the plate and jumps out of her chair, causing Jack to chase her. She playfully leads him into the next room while laughing]

Jack: [Jack surprises her around the next corner by cutting her off and shouting/singing] Ta-daah!

[she playfully runs to the staircase where she lies facing up at him]

Jack: I want that cake!

Kate: [laughing] You want this cake?

Jack: [playing along] I want it!

[she smashes the cake on his lower face while laughing]

Jack: Thank you.

[He smiles with cake all over his mouth and chin]

Kate: When you got on that plane, I was sure it was over. I left the airport afraid I'd never see you again. And then you showed up the very next day. That was a good surprise. You know, I think about the decision you made... maybe I was being naive, but I believed that we would grow old together in this house. That we'd spend holidays here and have our grandchildren come visit us here. I had this image of us, all grey and wrinkly, and me working in the garden and you re-painting the deck. But things change. If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go. I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me than our address. I choose us.

Kate: How can you do that?

Jack: What?

Kate: Look at me like you haven't seen me every day for the last 13 years.

Jack: Well, you know everything worked out. I mean, I like Annie.

Kate: Well good, Jack. Maybe we'll keep her.

Kate: Jack. Strong. Coffee.

Kate: Oh, well before I say yes, how exactly did he get burned?

Scott: Uh, well, that is open to interpretation... because he will say that it is my fault, but I clearly said..."Dear God, man, you're on fire. Run for your life."

Kate: [sarcastically] A clear warning.

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: DAMMIT!

Carrie: It's not that hard, uhm... when he speaks to you count to three in your head before you answer him.

Heather: Don't show any interest. Don't even look at him too much.

Carrie: Yeah yeah. You got it?

[long pause]

Carrie: I said you got it?

Kate: I was counting to three!

Beth: Not that slowly! We don't what him to think you're retarded!

John Tucker: So did you like the flowers?

Kate: Sure, if you're into that kinda thing.

John Tucker: Well, cuz, you know, I didn't get a call...

Kate: I didn't have a pen.

Heather: So I talked to John. He was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because we share something special. Something that we don't have to label because...

Beth: [interrupting] Because it's our unspoken bond and I just love how secure you are?

Carrie: And it hurts me to question it, because...

Heather, Beth, Carrie: [at the same time] ... YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME?

Heather: Damn! He said the same thing to all of us!

Beth: Figures. He makes up with us and he hooks up with us...

Carrie: [interrupts, whispers] You guys hooked up?

Beth: John and I share something special.

Carrie: Oh what, that they been both in your pants?

Beth: We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.

Heather: [under her breath, coughs] Hippie slut.

Beth: [sarcastic] Oh nice, Heather. It's not like everyone doesn't know that little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.

Carrie: What, you too?

Heather: John and I belong together. He is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader.

Beth: Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?

Carrie: Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously?

Beth: Do not lump me with her!

Heather: Oh so what, you're now better than me?

Kate: Shut up.

Heather, Beth: [peeved] What?

Kate: Sorry.

Heather: You got something to say?

Kate: No, it's none of my business.

[pause]

Kate: Okay, let me guess. Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about an unspoken bond or something special, but never about a relationship. And the whole arrangement was your idea, so you feel guilty that he cheated.

Heather: Oh my God, you're dating John too?

Kate: No, I knew a guy like him... Skip.

Kate: Where is everyone?

Scott: [confused] You came early to detention?

Kate: Oh. Well, I'd hate to miss a minute of being... detained.

Kate: Oh. You're the other Tucker?

Scott: What is that? Is that like "the loser Tucker"?

Kate: Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant. I just... you just don't look...

Scott: Hot, buff, or capable of inciting an all-girl smackdown? No, you're right. Naw, it's-it's cool. I'll let you in on a secret, though. My mom, says I'm special on the inside.

Kate: Good for you.

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: John Tucker, there's only one guy out there for me, but you are not him.

Kate: Hydrogen and Oxygen walk into a bar and see Gold... they say Au, get outta the bar!

Scott: Um...

Kate: Because Au is the atomic symbol for Gold...

Scott: [slightly irritably] Yeah I got it.

Kate: [referring to his lab partner Alex] How exactly did he get burned?

Scott: There's indisputable evidence, that I might have caused the explosion... and actually, he will tell you that it's my fault... but clearly I said to him "Dear God, MAN, you are on fire... RUN for your life."

Carrie: You know what, that was no accident!

Heather: He's mine!

[pushes Carrie]

Heather: Stay away from him!

Carrie: Oh you little brat!

[slaps Heather]

Beth: [tries to break Carrie and Heather up] Girls, peace and love! C'mon you guys are fighting over -...

Heather: We're fighting over John Tucker, he's mine!

Beth: [throws volleyball at Heather] OH!

Heather: What the hell is your problem?

Beth: I am dating John Tucker.

[Heather throws a volleyball at Beth but Beth ducks, it hits Kate instead. Carrie and Beth slap each other]

Coach Williams: [whistle] ENOUGH! Let's get back in the game.

[Beth pushes Carrie, then Heather pushes Beth. Coach Williams tries to break up the fight. Carrie throws the volleyball that was supposed to get Beth and Heather, but gets Coach Williams instead. The crowd groans]

Carrie: Darn it Coach!

[Heather throws a bag of volleyballs at Beth, but gets Kate in the stomach instead]

Carrie: Just let me get through. Just let me get them

Coach Williams: PUT THOSE BALLS DOWN!

[Heather throws the same bag of volleyballs and hits Beth. Beth in return throws random volleyballs, one hitting Carrie and one hitting Kate. Then Beth rolls the whole cart of volleyballs and it knocks over Carrie, Heather, Kate, and Coach Williams like bowling pins. Beth lunges herself on Heather. Heather, Beth, and Carrie fight on the gym floor]

Kate: [blows Coach Williams' whistle] This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him, you are beating the shit out of each other?

Coach Williams: LANGUAGE!

[Coach Williams gets up, angrily]

Coach Williams: DETENTION! You, you, you, and YOU! Honestly...

[points to Carrie, Beth, Heather, and Kate. Coach Williams leaves the scene disgusted. Even Kate beats a hasty retreat]

Beth: [peeved] Who is that?

Heather: I don't know. Pam Something.

Basketball Coach: [sees John in the thong and Coach Williams holding John's ear] What the hell?

Coach Williams: I think this belongs to you, Coach. I found it in my bed.

John Tucker: Coach, make her let go.

Basketball Coach: [to Coach Williams] Let go.

[Coach Williams lets go of John's ear]

Basketball Coach: "Live and let live" is what I say, Tucker. Takes all kinds to build a freeway. But I am not equipped for this kind of weirdness THIS CLOSE TO THE PLAYOFFS!

[spectators laugh and jeer. John is embarrassed. The basketball coach goes back into his room. John turns around and sees Kate]

Kate: I guess it was four instead of three. Sorry.

[John goes back into his room, embarrassed]

Coach Williams: Show's over ladies. Back to your rooms.

[to more spectators]

Coach Williams: Show's over! Back to your rooms.

Kate: I don't get it. I mean, these girls all seem so confident and cool. How do they not know that John's cheating on all of them?

Crying Waitress: He's a total operator. He goes out with girls from different cliques so that they never actually talk to each other.

[chuckles]

Crying Waitress: And then he tells them that his father won't let him date during basketball season so they'll have to keep it a secret.

Kate: How'd you learn all this stuff?

Crying Waitress: [sobbing] I don't know, just a guess.

[runs away crying]

Heather: [Kate answers her door and it's Heather] I want to bring down you know who.

Beth: [Kate answers her door again and it's Beth] Normally, I'm opposed to the slaughter of animals, but in John Tucker's case, I'll make an exception.

Kate: [now in the house] I don't even know him.

Beth: So, you don't even know anyone. You're like the Swiss, you're neutered.

Carrie: Um, it's neutral. Kate, if the three of us tried this alone, we would kill each other. You brought us here. You showed us that we have something in common.

Heather: Exactly. We all want to kill John Tucker.

Kate: Wow. Okay.

Kate: [narrating] I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?

Carrie: She's right. I mean he always making me feel guilty.

Kate: It seems to me that if a guy treats you like that...

Heather: [interrupts] You'd break up with him, blah, blah, blah...

Beth: Even John would have another girlfriend in a second.

Kate: No, I didn't say break up. I'd get even.

[Carrie, Beth, and Heather look at her]

Heather: Who are you?

Beth: I know, you're that girl that wigged out last year and got sent to rehab!

Kate: No, I...

Beth: [interrupts] Then you got taken away from bulimia.

Kate: No.

Beth: Fat camp?

Kate: No. My name is...

Detention Teacher: [enters the library, interrupting] Hey, no talking!

Kate: My name is...

Detention Teacher: [interrupts] No talking!

Kate: You can't really hum to Cheap Trick.

Guy at Party #4: Holy Jamma Lamma. Kiss her again... Do it...

Kate: [turns on the headlights on John's Jeep] Get out of here, you little perv!

Kate: [to lori] Remember to lock the door when you sneak out.

Kate: You're Heather, right? I'm Kate.

Heather: So?

Kate: You're Heather right? I'm Kate.

Heather: So?

Kate: He's probably just in town for a layover and he's just looking for someone to lay over.

Lori: [fake laughs] Ha very funny sweetheart.

Kate: So I'm not just some '82 Bordeaux you want to uncork and pork.

John Tucker: Did you write down my number yesterday? Because I didn't get a call last night..

Kate: Well I didn't have a pen..

[walks away]

Kate: It doesn't work like it will stop your hormone production.

Beth: Yeah and when you run out you will grow a mustache and a penis.

Kate: I have to pee.

Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...

Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?

Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.

Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.

Sarah Baker: Yes!

Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.

Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!

[yells]

Tom: [yells]

Kate: My book's getting published.

Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?

Kate: You've never said that.

Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.

Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?

Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?

Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?

Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?

Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

Kate: Whoo!

Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates.

Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.

Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?

Kate: Oh no. We have 12.

Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.

Kate: You need a paramedic?

Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.

Kate: [seeing Nora making out with Hank on the couch in front of the family] Nora, sweetie, want to help me in the kitchen?

[after Nora doesn't respond, she claps]

Kate: NORA, STOP!

[Nora breaks away from Hank]

Kate: Yeah, uh huh.

Kate: Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary. Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out.

Kate: [referring to Hank] He's not a doorknob.

Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.

Kate: Yeah that's weird.

[last lines]

Kate: [voiceover] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.

Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.

Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.

Kate: Look alive.

Shake: [to another person while Kate is in the room] Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.

Kate: The Wife's name is "Kate", Shake.

Tom: She says she will help us out if they can stay in the same room.

Kate: No. No way. No, she knows the rules.

[Talking to the kids]

Kate: She wants to have her own room when she's here isn't that sweet,

[to Tom]

Kate: no.

Kate: Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.

Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.

Tom: [huddled in the closet] Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.

[an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet]

Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.

Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.

Tom: bye.

[hangs up]

Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!

Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!

Kate: Get up. Wait for Mrs. Kingsley and the prefects.

Poppy: Screw them!

[Kiki and Kate raise Poppy from her seat and make her stand up]

Poppy: That is physical abuse! I'm calling my lawyer!

Kate: With what?

Kate: Sorry Mrs Kingsley, we just got a little bit carried away.

Mrs. Kingsley: Well as I understand, Drippy was totally carried away by Mr Nellis and Miss Rees-Withers - after laying in a pool of her own vomit!

Drippy: Actually, it was Kate's vomit, Mrs Kingsley - I was just lying in it.

Kate: [after looking at all of the bottles of water in Poppy's trunk] Erm... Why?

Poppy: What? I might get thirsty!

Kate: You know, in England, we have this amazing thing - it's called a tap.

Kate: My biggest mistake was thinking you could fix me. Only I can fix me.

Becca: This is really weird...

[referring to ringing phone]

Kate: Yeah... Big house, only one phone...

[picks up phone]

Kate: Hello?

[passes it to Becca]

Becca: Hello?

Voice on Phone: I'm coming for you my precious...

Becca: [looks relieved] Hi Mom...

Kate: I hate television - gives me headaches.

Becca: You know, there's so many magnetic waves travelling in the airspace because of TV and television, we're losing like ten times as many brain cells as we're supposed to.

Kate: Oh, please!

Kate: The cow says blank? Three letters?

Becca: Dude!

Kate: Dude! I dont know, magnetic waves, brain cells, I don?t understand the connection between all that stuff.

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules.

[both look down at breasts]

Becca: Agghh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I dont know! Aghhhh!

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you? and she's like "Where are we?" And did you see the size...?

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like...

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weeknd? Oh, my God!

[throws pillow at Kate]

Kate: Oh, yes I was!

[hits Becca with laptop]

Becca: You ho!

[smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it!

[pulls Becca's G-string up]

Kate: [phone rings]

Becca: [walking to the phone] This is really weird.

Kate: Yeah, big house, only one phone.

Kate: [shouts to Becca] Ask your Mom which bathroom has the vibrating showerhead.

Chauffer Redmond: We're just passing Rodeo Drive. Did you ever shop there?

Kate: I did once. It was a big mistake. Big. Huge.

Holden: [from trailer] Stalin once said, "No retreat, no surrender."

Kate: I think that was from a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Kate: What makes you qualified to change the playlist?

David: What kind of qualifications did the last guy have?

Kate: This really isn't about the last guy, and who says it was a guy?

David: Okay, well...

David: The inedible candy that you love so much.

Kate: I love it.

Kate: That's the problem with heartbreak, to you it's like an atomic bomb and to the world it's just really cliche, because in the end we all have the same experience.

Kate: I just needed a smaller place because my place is meant for two, and I am meant for one, so I am moving to a little place. It's good; it's got just enough room for me and my imaginary cat.

Kate: I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.

Deuce Bigalow: You're not curious, just to try something new?

Kate: I'm just not into it.

Deuce Bigalow: So space exploration is definitely out for you?

Kate: Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.

Deuce Bigalow: I should have told you right from the start. But I was afraid.

Kate: Afraid of what?

Deuce Bigalow: Afraid that a girl as wonderful as you could never fall for a guy who cleans fish tanks, 'cause that's who I really am. This whole gigolo thing was just a mistake. But I'm glad it happened 'cause I never would have met you. I never would have known what love was. I'm sorry. I'm not perfect.

Kate: I'm not perfect either.

Deuce Bigalow: Yes you are. You're perfect in every way. I knew it the moment I met you.

[pulls out a folded envelope and reads]

Deuce Bigalow: "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."

Kate: What the hell are you doing?

Griffin Keyes: I was cartwheeling.

Kate: What?

Griffin Keyes: Oh, you said... You said eagles mate for life.

Kate: Yes.

Griffin Keyes: Well, when an eagle finds its perfect mate, they cartwheel, right? That's what they do. They... they lock their talons together, and they spin out of control, and just before they hit the ground... they break apart. The only difference between me and an eagle is... I will hit the ground, as you've just seen.

Kate: You said you were done with the Zoo Game.

Griffin Keyes: I thought I had to change who I was to be happy... But I was wrong. Kate, it took me five years to get over someone I wasn't even in love with. I can't imagine how long it would take to get over you. And on a side note, I may have crushed an ostrich getting here.

Kate: I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know...

[they kiss]

Kate: So basically, you're using me?

Griffin Keyes: Not basically. I am.

Kate: I'm taking a job in Nairobi.

Venom: What?

Kate: I was gonna pass, 'cause I started having feelings for someone here, but... he's with somebody else. So... you know?

Venom: I do.

[leans over to kiss her. Kate pulls away]

Kate: What are you doing?

Venom: Oh, what are YOU doing? Don't you play possum.

Kate: What?

Venom: You know, you started having feelings? Come on, "someone here."

Kate: [snorts] I was talking about Griffin.

Venom: Tragic misread of situation.

Kate: She was a real romantic, my mom. When, when Prince Charles and Lady Di got married, she had a party, she made crumpets and jam. It was like a Super Bowl party, but for moms. She cried for a week.

Leopold: I don't know the story of Prince Charles and Lady Di.

Kate: Oh, you don't want to. It's a cautionary tale, further proof.

Leopold: Of what?

Kate: You can't live a fairy tale.

[last lines]

Leopold: Well, let us proceed. Please raise your glasses so we may toast to my bride-to-be, the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain. The future Duchess of Albany...

[Kate catches his eye]

Leopold: Kate McKay. Of the McKays of...?

Kate: Massapequa.

Leopold: Massapequa.

[to his uncle's confusion, Leopold goes to Kate]

Kate: I love you.

Leopold: I love you.

[They kiss, then begin to dance]

Kate: I'm not very good with men.

Leopold: Perhaps you haven't found the right one.

Kate: Maybe. Or, uh... maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.

Kate: People might think I'm brave, but I'm not.

Leopold: [quoting Thucydides] "The brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike - and, notwithstanding, go out to meet it."

[Kate finds a letter Darci has written in response to Leopold's invitation to dinner]

Kate: Darci? What is this?

Darci: It's a reply to Leopold's invitation... You're going, right?

Kate: I haven't decided yet.

Darci: Oh, you haven't decided if you want to have dinner on the rooftop with a duke?

Kate: Who thinks he's from 1876! NO. And I would appreciate it if...

Darci: Oh come *on*! I don't know what this guy did to piss you off, but that is the best apology letter in the history of mankind. Just sign it, Kate! It's four-thirty, we'll fax it.

[the phone rings and Darci picks it up, flustered]

Darci: Kate McKay's office.

[Darci slams the phone back down and starts to cry]

Darci: They hung up!

Kate: Why are you standing?

Leopold: I am accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.

[So, Charlie gets up]

Kate: I don't want it to be Sunday. I want more of this, more 1876.

Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!

Leopold: That thing is a damned hazard!

Kate: It's just a toaster!

Leopold: Well, insertion of bread into that so-called toaster produces no toast at all, merely warm bread! Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal. So, clearly, to make proper toast it requires one and a half insertions, which is something for which the apparatus doesn't begin to allow! One assumes that when the General of Electric built it, he might have tried using it. One assumes the General might take pride in his creations instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public.

Kate: You know something? Nobody gives a rat's ass that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why? Because everybody pushes their toast down twice!

Leopold: Not where I come from.

Kate: Oh, right. Where you come from, toast is the result of reflection and study!

Leopold: Ah yes, you mock me. But perhaps one day when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter, you'll understand that life is not solely composed of tasks, but tastes.

Kate: [mesmerized] Say that again.

[Talking on the phone]

Stuart: Are you sitting down?

Kate: [standing] Yes.

Stuart: No, you're not.

Kate: Yes, I am.

Stuart: No, you're not.

Kate: Ye...

[Kate sits down in chair with a thud]

Kate: Okay.

Stuart: I found it.

Kate: What did you find?

Stuart: The portal. A crack in the fabric of time. It was over the East River, Kate, just where I said it would be.

Kate: You found the portal?

Stuart: A portal into April 28th, 1876. I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and took a walk in 1876 today. I followed the Duke of Albany around old New York. Are you listening?

Kate: Avidly.

Stuart: This here's the twist, Kate. Here's the kicker.

Kate: What's the kicker?

Stuart: [whispering] He followed me home.

Stuart: You of all people should understand, you're a scientist. I mean, you invented the elevator.

Leopold: What is an elevator? What are you talking... Where the hell am I?

Stuart: I told you, you haven't actually gone anywhere, you're still in New York.

Leopold: That sir, is not New York!

Kate: I'm afraid it is!

Kate: Stuart, you can tell me you picked up a transvestite in Times Square. I don't care!

Kate: You're tucking me in.

Leopold: Yes.

Kate: You're my Otis.

Leopold: Yes, Your Grace.

Leopold: You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious.

Kate: I'm alone with you, do I need a chaperone?

Leopold: We are not courting, Kate. If we were, as a man of honour, I would have informed you of my intentions in writing.

Kate: I've been paying dues all of my life. And I'm tired, and I need a rest, and if I have to peddle a little pond scum to get one, then so be it.

Kate: I wasted the best years of my life on you.

Stuart: Those were your best years?

[From Director's Cut]

Kate: We make cereal crunchier. We make boring movies shorter. We made Smucker's get the seeds out of their jam. We did that. As far as I'm concerned, we're heroes.

Kate: So clearly, you must be a man out of time or Sergeant Pepper!

Kate: Are you for real?

Leopold: I believe so.

Kate: Stuart, Can you tell me in short, complete sentences featuring no words over two syllables why exactly I am in these pictures?

Stuart: Probably not.

Kate: Try!

Kate: I'm not the protagonist in a major motion picture.

[on phone]

Kate: My palm pilot! You still have it.

Stuart: Kate, it's one in the morning.

Kate: And clearly, you're awake, so what is the infraction?

Leopold: I feel as though we've met on a previous occasion.

Kate: Well Lionel, seeing as how I've never met any of Stuart's friends, not even sure he has any, I don't think that's possible.

Kate: Look, this is not complex. He gave me the Palm Pilot, he just forgot the pointy thing.

Leopold: I've been warned about you.

Kate: Oh. And what, pray tell, did the great disappointment say?

Kate: Sunday is the day before the day I work, so it gets poisoned.

Kate: You're sucking the life out of my condiments!

Kate: Can you go away? Can you just go away? Can you go away?

Leopold: Im sorry if I have offended you in anyway...

Kate: Elevator, sound alarm!

Bunch of Gremlins: ENH! ENH! ENH! ENH! ENH! ENH! ENH!

Kate: Billy, if we get through today alive, you're in big trouble.

Luc: And I am thinking, you should not be flying anywhere.

Kate: I shouldn't?

Luc: No, in fact, I am sure of it. I am thinking, I want you.

Kate: You want me?

Luc: That's all. I want you.

Kate: Happy - smile. Sad - frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion.

Kate: Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion. But no. You want this mysterious...

Luc: Non. No no no. It is not me who wants it. I don't want it.

Kate: Well what do you want?

Luc: I want you... I want you...

Kate: You want me...

Luc: I want you... to... make Charlie suffer. To make him feel like even though you are right there in front of him, he can't have you.

[he realizes then that he is talking about himself]

[an announcement is made in French]

Kate: What was that? That sounded important.

Luc: The pilot said there is a crack in the engine, but not to worry, he'll take off anyway.

Kate: [about Charlie] We were happy. I've never been so happy.

Luc: When people tell me they are happy, my ass begins to twitch.

Kate: Do you believe in love? The kind that lasts forever?

Luc: I loved my mother.

Kate: No, everybody loves their mother. Even people who hate their mothers love their mothers. The question is, one man meant for one woman. That is the question.

Luc: But it is not an interesting question. It is the question of a little girl who believes in fairy tales.

Kate: [to Luc] You'll become one of those hunchbacked, lonely old men, sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe, mumbling to yourself, "My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch."

Kate: The key to French waiters: If you're nice to them, they treat you like shit. Treat them like shit, they love you.

Kate: Did you know that there are four hundred and fifty-two official government cheeses in this country? Don't you think that's incredible? To come up with four hundred and fifty-two ways of classifying what is basically a bacterial process?

Luc: You would prefer one cheese? One cheeseburger to put it on and one restaurant to eat it in?

Kate: I'm saying I *like* the cheese. God!

Luc: [about Luc's brother, Antoine] One night, he got me very drunk. You must understand, I owed him a lot of money. But he knew what he was doing.

Kate: What was he doing?

Luc: I lost all of it. One hand of poker.

[starts to laugh]

Kate: You lost your birthright... in one hand of poker.

Luc: I'm an asshole, what can I tell you?

Kate: Uh-huh. So that's why he hates you and you hate him.

Luc: Oui... that and I slept with his wife.

Kate: Of course you know him. All you bastards know each other.

Kate: So, who is this guy?

Luc: Bob.

Kate: Bub?

Luc: No, no, Bob. You know, like, uh, Bob Dylan?

Kate: Oh, Bob.

Luc: Oui, Bahb.

Luc: Meanwhile, his lover...

Kate: Don't ever use that word again.

Luc: All right, this bastard woman...

Kate: Those French. They hate us, they smoke, they have a whole relationship with dairy products I don't understand.

Kate: Fester, fester, fester. Rot, rot, rot.

Kate: I've spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself from exactly this situation. And you can't do it ! There's no home safe enough, there's no country nice enough, there's no relationship secure enough; you're just setting yourself up for an even bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process.

Luc: Now we'll practice. I'll be Charlie.

Kate: I'll be Kate.

Kate: A healthy person is someone who expresses what they're feeling inside. Express, not repress.

Luc: In that case, you must be one of the healthiest people in the world.

Kate: You lost your birthright in one hand of poker?

Luc: I'm an asshole. What can I tell you?

Luc: Kate.

Kate: [hopefully] Yes?

Luc: You are not afraid to fly any more? You are thinking of your little stone cottage?

Kate: It's on a hillside next to a beautiful vineyard. But that's not really what I'm thinking about.

Luc: What are you thinking about?

Kate: You.

Charlie: I met this woman, this apparition, this goddesse.

Kate: Goddesse?

Charlie: It's French - for goddess.

Kate: [singing] I hate Paris in the springtime/I hate Paris in the fall/I hate Paris in the summer when it sizzles/I hate Paris in the winter when it drizzles/I hate Paris, oh why oh why do I hate Paris?/Because my love is there... with his SLUT girlfriend.

Kate: You know, all men are bastards.

Luc: Well, not all. I mean, some are just trying to help.

Kate: You know, I never thought I'd be the kind of woman to say this, but it's true. All men are bastards.

Luc: The guy who was talking to you, he was...

Kate: A bastard. A Eurotrash-in-Armani kind of bastard.

Luc: He was wearing a black suit? With a yellow shirt?

Kate: Yeah.

[Luc groans, then pulls Kate up from the sofa]

Kate: You know him?

Luc: Come on.

Kate: Of course you know him. All you bastards know each other.

[Luc pulls Kate toward the hotel exit]

Kate: [to the conierge] Bastard!

Luc: What do you think, the plane is going to crash and we are all on the ground in a thousand pieces dead? I promise you, if it happens, you won't feel a thing.

Kate: You're French, aren't you?

Luc: Why are you chasing after him after what he's done to you?

Kate: Because I love him! And I'm afraid that if he doesn't come back that I'll... it'll hurt so much that I'll just shrivel up and I'll never be able to love anyone ever again.

Luc: You say that now, but... after a time, you would forget. First, you would forget his chin, and then his nose, and after a while, you would struggle to remember the exact color of his eyes, and one day you wake up and, pfft, he's gone: his voice, his smell, his face. He will have left you. And then you can begin again.

Kate: Do you speak English?

Concierge: Of course, Madam. This is the Georges V, not some backpacker's hovel.

Kate: Why weren't you the one, Charlie? The one who turned on this big shiny Kate-light that burns so bright?

Luc: First, you must take some wine. Can you describe it, the taste?

Kate: It's a nice red wine.

Luc: I think you can do better.

Kate: A bold wine with a hint of sophistication and lacking in pretension.

[beat]

Kate: Actually, I was just talking about myself.

Kate: No matter what I might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you wind up with tomorrow.

Kate: You know what, Charlie? No matter what I might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you'll wind up with tomorrow. The same old me, who wants the home and the family, who wants to plant some roots and see them grow.

Charlie: You want to be a farmer?

[beat]

Charlie: Sorry.

Kate: There's just one thing I don't want anymore.

[Charlie nods, points at himself]

Kate: Sorry, Charlie.

Kate: Let me ask you something. If you know so much about men and women, how come there was no one waiting for you at the airport?

Luc: Oh, please! I'm finished with women.

Kate: Oh, so you're afraid of commitment.

Luc: I'm not afraid of anything.

Kate: You know what your problem is? You have no staying power.

Luc: What do you mean?

Kate: You can't stick it out.

Luc: [nervously] What are you talking about?

Kate: It's obvious.

Luc: It is?

Kate: You are afraid of commitment.

Luc: [relieved] Commitment! Oh, sorry. I thought you meant...

Kate: What? What did you think I meant?

Luc: Nothing.

Kate: Oh...

[crooks her finger]

Kate: *This* problem.

Luc: It's not a problem!

Kate: Hi there. C'est moi.

Concierge: [coolly] Welcome back, Madame, to the Georges V.

Kate: Huh... it's incredible how you do that. The words come out - "Welcome back" - but the meaning is completely different. What's the deal, is that a French thing or a concierge thing?

Concierge: As Madame wishes.

Kate: You did it again. Tell me something, because I just... I don't get it. Do you enjoy being that rude? Because when you do that, it just gets underneath my skin, and it makes me... completely... INSANE!

Kate: [describing her first sexual encounter] I didn't rush, you were right. But I didn't hide from it, either. I wanted everything to be perfect. I was 18. Jeff the Jock, my basement, Valentine's Day, "Jeopardy!" on in the background. It's a game show on TV.

Luc: Oui, "Le Jeopardie". We have it.

Kate: Jeff said it would last longer with the show on to distract him. Got all the answers wrong except for sports. By Double Jeopardy!, he was done; by Final Jeopardy!, he was on his way home.

Kate: Spasm! Spasm! Oh, God, here it comes... lactose intolerance!

Luc: You know, I am feeling some very strange emotions right now. Guilt, remorse, my self-esteem is rock bottom. I am trying to think, what can I possibly do to say I'm sorry?

Kate: Shut up! You haven't spent sixty seconds with me when you weren't after something, so what is it this time? Buy, sell, or trade?

Luc: Oui, it is so true. I used you... a lot. You helped me to get my vine and I left you with nothing. So now, I ask myself what I can possibly do to make it up to you.

[sees the police waiting for him]

Luc: And so now, I am here for you.

[runs away]

Kate: Do you think you could urinate with someone standing behind you?

Con-man: I think I could manage it. Are you going to be the someone?

Luc: [on Kate's fear of flying] I'm curious how you got around your whole life, or do you just stay in your house with the doors locked?

Kate: I get around as nature intended: in a car.

Kate: [to Luke] Donnez-moi un break, you can't make a vineyard out of one vine.

Luc: You were how old when you lost it?

Kate: It? What "it"?

Luc: You know, *it*. Your, uh, flower.

Kate: My flow... oh!

[indignant]

Kate: My flower is none of your business!

Luc: I ask you because some people, they rush towards that fateful moment, their bodies bursting to discover. Others, they guard it like some precious gift.

Kate: And you, I suppose, rushed.

Luc: Like a bull.

Kate: Yeah, I have a picture in my mind. It's very clear.

Kate: I don't know what they taught you in France, but rude and interesting are not the same things.

Luc: [looking at a photo of Charlie] How did you meet?

Kate: At a party. I'd just come to Toronto on a teaching exchange. We started talking. I had this feeling about him, same for him. It wasn't exactly a thunderclap or a lightning bolt, it was more like a...

Luc: Light drizzle?

Kate: [rolls her eyes] You really, honestly never had that feeling about anybody in your whole entire life, honestly?

Luc: If I did, I would not admit it. His chin looks a little weak, if you ask me.

Kate: It doesn't, and I didn't, and why wouldn't you admit a feeling like that?

Luc: Why should I? Look where it has got you.

Kate: Maybe if you did, you wouldn't have that little problem we're not supposed to talk about.

Luc: It's not a problem, it's just a temporary...

Kate: Didn't your mother ever teach you about staring?

Kate: I mean the kind of love between one man and one woman.

Luc: It is not a very interesting question. It is a question of a little girl who still believes in fairy tales.

Luc: We can help each other.

Kate: I don't need your help.

Kate: Do what you want, it's a free country... isn't it?

Luc: Uh, oui.

Kate: I had this feeling about him, same for him. It wasn't exactly a thunderclap, or a lightning-bolt, it was more like a...

Luc: Light drizzle?

Kate: What about you? The old bull back in business?

Luc: Pht, ole.

Inspector Jean-Paul Cardon: I must come to Canada someday. You are a very sympathetic people.

Kate: Well, actually, I'm not really a Canadian. In fact, I'm... currently without country.

Concierge: Thank you, Madame, for that fascinating lesson in our cultural differences. I'm sure it would not betray my duty as concierge to inform you that your fiance and his "friend" are no longer our guests.

Kate: Well, whose guests would they be now?

[the Concierge hesitates. Kate raises her hand over the bell, and the Concierge snatches it off the desk, becoming all politeness and helpfulness]

Concierge: The Carleton Hotel will have that privilege when they arrive in Cannes this evening. If Madam wishes to catch the last train out of Paris, it will be departing from the station in one hour. I could arrange for a taxi very quickly, Madame.

Kate: [sweetly] Yes, thank you.

Kate: What about my suitcase, my clothes? Ask him about my vitamins.

Luc: [in French] Her clothes?

Bob: [in French] I gave them to Monique.

Luc: [in French] Monique?

Kate: What? What did he say?

Luc: He... he threw them away.

[Kate has just awakened from a faint]

Kate: Hey... you said you'd give me ride. You said... wait a minute, where are we?

Luc: In your hotel. Come, I take you to your room.

Kate: I don't have a room. Someone has taken my room... someone in four-inch heels and a red dress.

Luc: Okay, so I try to understand. He tells you he has met this women... no, no, this goddess. He breaks your heart, he...

Kate: Hurts me. Humbles me.

Luc: Humiliates you.

Kate: Humiliates me!

Luc: Okay, and then, so you come here to Paris so that he can do it again, but this time, right in your face.

Kate: And we had plans together, okay? We had plans for a home and a family. I would remind him of that, too.

Luc: He was obviously very attached to them.

Kate: And if all else failed...

Luc: You would get down on your knees and beg?

Kate: It's possible.

Luc: Oh ho! Now I can see it: There is the goddess, standing next to Charlie in her negligee, and you are there on your knees, begging. Poor Charlie - tough decision!

[looking at a photo of Charlie]

Luc: There is something in his eyes... vain. It is a word, no?

Kate: It is a word. He has beautiful eyes.

Luc: Oh, he knows it. You can see it in his smile... not even a smile, a smirk. It is a word?

Kate: Shut up. Is it a word?

Luc: Two words.

Kate: So you'd risk everything for this?

Luc: Oui.

Kate: Do anything to have it?

Luc: Oui.

Kate: Get down on your knees and beg?

[pause]

Luc: [with feeling] Oui.

Kate: Then what makes you so different from me? Not much. Admit it.

Luc: [laughs] Okay, I admit it.

Inspector Jean-Paul Cardon: [on Luc] I need to ask him over a little matter of a necklace.

Kate: [fakes a laugh] Oh, the necklace. He didn't declare it at the airport, did he? Will he have to pay a big duty?

[Jean-Paul looks at her impassively. Her smile fades, and she becomes serious]

Kate: Why don't you just arrest him?

Inspector Jean-Paul Cardon: I'm old-fashioned. I owe him a debt greater than one of money.

Charlie: What does he do?

Kate: Besides what we do together? I don't think he does anything at all... huh.

Kate: I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. I know, I know, you're gonna say "How else will you learn, Kate."

Therapist: mm. No, actually I wasn't going to say that. You want to guess again?

Kate: No, no, go ahead.

Therapist: Well what I was going to say was, you know better than anyone, it's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.

Kate: What are we going to do about work?

Nick: What we always do. You tell me what to do and then I'll go behind your back and do whatever I want.

Therapist: Kids like fishsticks...

Kate: I can't believe I'm actually paying for these suggestions.

Kate: [about Nick] You bring in a sous chef from an Italian restaurant and I'm the one in therapy?

Kate: [leans her head on the couch, thinking Nick is going to kiss her]

Nick: You're leaning on my scarf.

Kate: [embarassed] Oh my, yeah.

Kate: I know I'm doing everything wrong, but I promise you that I will always be here for you.

Zoe: [pause] Kate? You're not doing *everything* wrong.

Therapist: Kate, I'm sure you will be able to prevent the worst from happening.

Kate: And that would be?

Therapist: That he will tolerate you for any length of time.

Kate: Oh, I see you've brought something to read to Zoe.

Charlotte: It's for my thesis... rapidly mutating deadly viruses.

Therapist: Why do you come to see me every week?

Kate: My boss said she'd fire me if I didn't get therapy.

Therapist: Why do you think, she thinks you need therapy? Why?

Kate: You know what, I haven't the faintest idea

Kate: [First lines] Some chefs call them love birds. A romantic dish for that special occasion.

Kate: There's no greater sin than to over cook a quail. Perfectly cooked, they must have a touch of pink on the breast. But, you need the right quail. It has to be fleshy or it dries out too easily.

Kate: Cassie! That marker in your mouth, I peed on it!

Charles Wheeler: Please, wherever you are, return my wife to me. Kate, if you're listening, I want you to know that I'm okay. I hope you're holding up well, I hope that these gentlemen are treating you correctly, the way you should be treated, and speaking of which, I'm going to Spain next week, so if your kidnappers would like to contact me, they can get in touch with my people, and you know who they are, and the house is waiting for you, right here, where you belong. And the house misses you, I miss you...

[Kate turns off the television]

Kate: Hmph! He has no IDEA where I belong!

Joe: You belong here.

Terry: Yeah. With us.

Terry: Do you smell burning feathers?

Kate: Burning feathers?

Terry: Joe's older brother, Albert. He smelled burning feathers. He had a brain tumor.

Kate: Joe doesn't have an older brother.

Joe: What'd you bring her here for?

Terry: One, I had no choice, two, I may have suffered a slight concussion and three, she is mentally imbalanced to a spectacular degree.

Kate: I can hear you!

[Kate starts reciting the lines to "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Joe joins in]

Kate: Oh my god! I can't believe you KNOW that song!

Joe: Yeah. Bonnie Tyler. "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It's the ultimate sappy chick song.

Terry: I am a fugitive from justice! I am a dangerous criminal!

Kate: Oh well that explains the hijacking!

Kate: You can't just step in front of a moving car and expect it to stop!

Terry: Yes you can! I've seen it done!

Terry: Kate, I - I'm a desperate man.

Kate: Desperate?

Terry: Yes.

Kate: You don't know the meaning of the word. Desperate is when you wake up in the morning and you wish you hadn't. It's knowing that every time you get behind the wheel of a car you're only a tree away from ending the empty charade that your life has become! So don't talk to me about desperate!

[Speaking to Kate after she refuses to get out of the car]

Terry: You're insane!

Kate: I'm unhappy! It's not the same thing.

Kate: I'll make dinner.

Terry: I cook the dinners around here.

Kate: Sorry. Not familiar with the outlaw code.

Terry: Kate, there are guys who leave, and there are guys who get left. I don't think it's any mystery as to which category I fall into.

Kate: Terry, I'm not leavin' you.

Terry: You're staying?

Kate: Yeah.

[Kate gives terry a kiss]

Kate: Good night.

Kate: What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Bella: Get new shoes.

Bella: I still can't believe that worked.

Kate: What? You guaranteed me it would.

Bella: Yeah, well, I'm on medication. Strong medication.

Kate: I think that liking them is much more important than loving them, actually. Love is easy to fall into. Liking is much harder. Think of your wedding as a driving test. You take it, you pass, and then you really start to learn how to drive. Or you crash.

Kate: It's easy to say "I love you" while you're rolling around on expensive sheets. It's so much harder when they need washing.

Kate: Look, we're just a disgruntled employee and his pushy wife who want back what's theirs.

Richard: You didn't say ex-wife.

Kate: You know I'm twice your age.

Jean-Baptiste Durain: What can I say? I like older women.

Kate: Why lie on your profile?

Jean-Baptiste Durain: I want women to see me as a mature man. Otherwise, I feel like a total cliche, you know? Young, rich, handsome, with a speedboat... So terribly predictable.

Kate: It takes two, you know, to totally ruin a marriage, and I played my part.

Richard: Well, don't you feel anything, Kate?

Kate: Yes, fear.

Kate: [to her daughter] Always wash your jeans inside out.

Richard: [asking about her teaching job] What is the job like?

Kate: Underpaid.

Richard: What are the students like?

Kate: Undermotivated.

Kate: I can't believe a drug company would sponsor a trip like this, no questions. It seems so... corrupt.

Molly: It's a corrupt world. Let's not argue. It's all less money they can spend on torturing beagles.

Kate: Look at your math book; it looks brand new. Bet you've never even opened it.

Riff: I only use it on special equations

Kate: She's my friend.

Miss Togar: A friend that will lead you down the road to expulsion.

Riff: [air guitar] I'm a teenage lobotomy.

Riff: [Togar has cut the wire on her broadcast equipment] Hey, Kate, I'm getting some static.

Kate: Not as much as you're going to get.

Kate: This will never work. Tom will never like me; I don't know who I'm kidding. What possible reason could there be to put myself through all this? Sex!

[chuckles]

Kate: I must admit, as far as reasons go, it's must be one of the best.

Kate: I don't wanna have fun! I wanna be with Tom!

Kate: I'm going to be 17 tomorrow.

Max: Wow, now you can read Seventeen magazine and get all the references.

Kate: We were instant best friends. Two people who understood each other without having to say a word.

Kate: I like being depressed. It makes me feel deep and introspective.

Kate: Love is ecstacy and agony. Freedom and imprisonment. Belonging and loneliness. It is what keeps us together when life tears us apart. So, when you find that perfect man hold on tight and call me, so I can run over there and see what he looks like and laugh... Because he does not exist you sad perky little optimistic suckers.

Adam Levy: I cheese sandwich you.

Kate: I cheese sandwich you too.

Adam Levy: [listening to Kate's pregnant stomach] mmm-hmmm... yea, Ned says he wants a womb with a view.

Kate: Ned's not very funny.

Adam Levy: Well, we should cut Ned some slack, Ned's only a fetus.

Kate: Love is a minefield, you take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess thats human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single.

Kate: You're wearing sunglasses!

Joey Santino: They're subscription!

Kate: It's prescription, you idiot!

Adam Levy: I mean, I can't even be around you. You're sitting here and you're like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich that I just want to stuff in my mouth and I can't because, like, my lips are sewn shut.

Kate: That's a pretty analogy.

Adam Levy: You know what I mean.

Adam Levy: We haven't had sex in awhile.

Kate: Hm?

Adam Levy: We haven't had sex in like 3 weeks.

Kate: Mmmhm.

Adam Levy: You're not even listening to me.

Kate: ...no, I wasn't

Adam Levy: I said we haven't had sex in like 3 weeks.

Kate: Well, maybe its because you clip your toenails in our bed.

Kate: You're a really good person.

Kate: Wait a second. Excuse me, sir? Are you hungry? Would you like this?

Man Waiting for a Table: I'm waiting for a table.

Kate: I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me.

Kate: I'm not spending U$ 200 on a pair of jeans for my teenage daughter when there are '45' homeless people living...

Abby: What does that have to do with anything? They don't want jeans!

Kate: What would you tell your father if he came home and I was dead on the kitchen floor?

Eugene: "Don't go in the kitchen, Pa"?

Kate: I need bread.

Eugene: What?

Kate: I don't have enough bread. Run over to Greenblatt's and get me a fresh rye bread.

Eugene: Again? I just came back from Grennblatt's.

Kate: So You'll go again.

Eugene: I'm always going to the store. When I grow up, that's all I'll be trained to do, go to the store.

Kate: You don't want to go?... Never mind, I'll go.

Eugene: Don't do that! Don't make me feel guilty. I'll go.

Kate: And get a quarter of a pound of butter.

Eugene: I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?

Kate: And suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?

Eugene: [to the audience] If my mom taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.

Kate: Did you hear what I said?

Eugene: Yes, I heard!

[under his breath]

Eugene: If I cut my ears off I'd still be able to hear her through my nose.

Kate: How many times have I told you not to leave your things around the house?

Eugene: A hundred and nine.

Eugene: [after spitting out the liver] I think I have a bone in my throat.

Kate: There are no bones in liver!

Blanche: Do you know how hard it is today for a girl to get a good job without a high school diploma? Tell her, Kate.

Kate: It's very hard.

Jim Howie: Go get yourself some clothes on! I don't want these men gettin' any horny notions!

Kate: Stop talkin'like a Baptist preacher. If I had half the boots been stuck under my bed, I bet I could outfit the United States Cavalry!

Kate: [to the other prostitutes as they realize they are captives of the Indians] What the hell, they're only men!

[Outside her flat]

Kate: Don't be fooled by the grim exterior. It's a good deal grimmer inside.

Kate: Are you going to walk me home? Or should I just get murdered on my own?

Dexter: All these weeks I've been coming here, I've been wanting to ask you something. What I really want to know is... er, what's your name?

Kate: Kate... Lemmon. Horrid name!

Dexter: No, no, not at all. Could have been worse. Could have been called Hitler, Tampon, or something.

Dexter: How was your day?

Kate: Not great. A nurses's day is always pretty grisly. A woman I was with gave birth to a baby in a lift.

Dexter: Well, that was okay, er?

Kate: It would have been, but her husband slipped on the afterbirth and broke his collarbone.

Dexter: Please? Just dinner? Let me explain: I was a complete, total, utter idiot! I have learned my lesson completely, totally, utterly!

Kate: Just dinner?

Dexter: Promise!

Kate: What? No sex at the end?

Dexter: Well, maybe - sex? Yes! Alright, if you insist!

[Dexter is visiting Kate in her flat]

Kate: Sorry about last night, I was very tired.

[pause]

Kate: I'm less tired now, though...

Dexter: I'm not tired either.

Kate: Great! Two people... on their own... in the middle of the afternoon... and not tired!

[pause]

Dexter: Ideal circumstances for Scrabble.

Kate: [leaving Dexter] You paused after mentioning her name, to see if I reacted.

Dexter: That was your only clue?

Kate: Do you know how long we've been dating?

David: You're kidding, right?

Kate: I'm asking you a question!

David: And you think this is the right time to ask a question like that?

Kate: [laughs] there's always some excuse for not wanting to talk about these things.

David: I think defending ourselves from a demon spirit that's now inhabiting your best friend's cousin ranks pretty damn high on the list of good excuses for not wanting to analyze our relationship right now. Could-could you hand me that loaded pipe so I can take care of this tall freak with the ax that's coming up the steps?

Kate: Don't try and be polite. Sound crazy or sound tough.

Kate: [Last lines]

[They are playing 20 questions]

Kate: Okay I've got one.

Mercer: Is he alive? Is he a man?

Mercer: [Stares at the cell phone] I think the battery's dying.

Kate: Put in the charger. You're in the car right?

Mercer: You want to come to Louisiana with me?

Kate: It's my car!

Kate: You're a jerk, jerk, jerk. But I like the sound of your voice.

Kate: Right now you're thinking... who is this girl, and what's wrong with her? She must be crazy. No, sad... sad in a chair with... cats. Cats? No, a cross word puzzle. A puzzle and tea. No, beer. Beer, she's tough? Thinks she's tough, but not like that. Picture her... younger. No, older. Picture someone with fake teeth. You never really know.

Mercer: You're funny?

Kate: I used to be.

Bill: Running away from home?

Kate: I'm an orphan.

Bill: What happened to your folks?

Kate: They died. Went down with a boat. Sank. Forget the name of it. Big boat.

Bill: Titanic?

Kate: Yeah, that's it!

Bill: Then your parents died 63 years before you were born!

Kate: Which is why I hardly knew them.

Bill: Yeah, well that... that... that makes sense.

Doctor Device: [after hiding Kate on the ceiling with a levitation trick] Now, we'll let you down, if you promise never to tell how we do this.

Kate: OK. But, how do you do it?

Kate: You gotta be philosophical about these things. I understand why my best friend would run off with Dale. I mean, everyone knows what kind of life she has with Jolly. It's no secret.

James Morrison: We've got to find them, Katie.

Kate: Aww, Jiminy...

[Kate crosses to the bed and puts her arms around Jim]

Kate: I understand. You've been stuck on her for years, plain as day. But hey, sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. Like tonight. Okay, we both lost. But that doesn't mean a souple of losers aren't entitled to a little fun, right?

[She kisses Jim, he doesn't respond]

Kate: Okay loser. You win.

Kate: Well, happy Sunday morning to you.

Jolly Grimm: [referring to Queenie] Why is she doing this to me? I don't understand.

Kate: Had to happen. She's young. You ain't. That's just how it goes.

Jolly Grimm: I don't understand.

Kate: There were lots of guys before you. There'll be lots of guys after you. Come on. Dale probably ain't the first.

Jolly Grimm: Don't say that. I don't want- I don't want you to say that!

Kate: Come on, be a realist! You guys think you got some kind of patent on foolin' around? A woman's got needs too, you know.

Jolly Grimm: Shut up!

Kate: [singing] It's funny, it's really funny / How in the moonlight every dream seems real / But when it's sunny, I'll tell ya honey / You wake from the dream, and being the nightmare!

Kate: Forget therapy, he needs a quaalude.

[Dr. Paul Baton, Fritz, and Kate all run to the sheriff's office.]

Dr. Paul Batton: We've got trouble!

Fritz: Right here in River City!

All: With a capital T and that rhymes with G and that stands for GHOUL!

Kate: We've got Captain Howdy!

Dr. Paul Batton: Right here in Hellview City!

Fritz: With a capital C and that rhymes with Z and that stands for Zom... bie.

Dr. Paul Batton: Your father is the sheriff?

Kate: Yes.

Dr. Paul Batton: [voice over] Well, kiss off getting laid.

[first lines]

Kate: Look at me. Look at the kite.

[last lines]

Kate: Aw... I like that. What do you think?

Angela: Yeah.

Kate: I would look good in that.

Angela: Yeah, Terry would love that.

Kate: Would he?

Angela: Yeah, men love that sort of shape. I wore something similar when Ian first saw me.

Brendan: Did you mean what you said?

Kate: What did I say?

Kate: Got some brass to you, don't ya?

Kate: Looking for something?

Pat: Shit! I thought you were your father.

Kate: Well, you better be glad I'm not.

Kate: One thing at a time. Right now you have to take care of what you need to be taking care of and you may just find that the rest will take care of itself. Think about it.

Pat: Ain't nothing to think about

Sheriff: Kate, this man we're dealing with is quite possibly a dangerous criminal.

Kate: How do you know?

Sheriff: What do you mean how do I know?

Kate: What is it that makes a man dangerous anyway?

Sheriff: [frustrated] Look, I'm asking the questions here, okay.

Kate: I look so fat ugly and stupid in all those pictures.

Meg: Fat? Are you kidding me? You're like the poster child for thin people.

[holding up a bottle of wine]

Kate: Grape juice?

Meg: Are we allowed to have that?

Kate: It's medicinal.

Raychel: All right girls, the party's over.

Kate: Bye

[Raychel pauses and looks at Kate's pictures]

Kate: No, have mercy.

Raychel: You look good in this one.

Kate: I do?

Raychel: Yeah, the rest you look like a fucking dyke.

Kate: Do you think I'm a pretty angel?

Tom: Yeah.

Kate: Do you fancy me?

Tom: huh?

Kate: What do you look so nervous for? Relax!

Moira: What they get you for?

Kate: We tried to cross the border. You?

Moira: Gender Treachery. I like girls.

Kate: My God! They could've sent you to the colonies for that.

Moira: They don't send you to the colonies if your ovaries are still jumping.

Kate: [very quietly mouthing] What's your name?

Moira: Moira. What's yours?

Kate: Kate.

Kate: One man I can never meet. Him, I would like to give my whole heart to.

Kate: He's not my boyfriend.

Alex: What is he, then? Your brother?

Kate: Oh, we have a comedian! What, did you eat clown for breakfast?

Alex: Wonderful. Our first fight.

[last lines]

Kate: You waited.

[from trailer]

Alex: [voice over] How's your sunset?

Kate: It's perfect.

Alex: I only wish you were here to share it with me.

Kate: I have to learn to live the life that I have got. Please don't write anymore. Don't try to find me. Let me let you go.

Kate: Life is not a book, Alex. And it can be over in a second. I was having lunch with my mother at Daley Plaza and a man was killed right in front of me. He died in my arms. And I thought, "It can't end just like that on Valentine's Day." And I thought about all the people who love him, waiting at home, who will never see him again. And then I thought, "What if there is no one? What if you live your whole life and no one is waiting?"

Kate's Mother: He sounds like a nice boy.

Kate: [disbelievingly] Anything else?

Kate's Mother: You mean the time-thing? That's just a detail.

[from trailer]

Kate: I sometimes feel as if I'm invisible, as if no one can see me at all. I never felt that way when I lived at the Lake House.

[from trailer]

Kate: [from trailer] Even though this is clearly impossible, it's amazing.

Alex: What's it like in the year 2006?

Kate: Well, I'm afraid the world's pretty much the same. Of course, we all dress in shiny metal jumpsuits and drive flying cars and no one talks anymore because we can read each other's minds... but, the truth is, from the past, not much has really changed in 2006.

[from trailer]

Kate: [voice over] Dear new tenant, welcome to your new home. I'm sure you'll love living here as much as I did.

Alex: What do you mean lived here?

Kate: Since no one has lived in this house for years.

[from trailer]

Kate: Can this be happening?

Kate: My dog is eight years old, six in your time; skinny, has sad eyes, snores, and sleeps like a human.

Kate: Okay, my mystery correspondent, I get it - just in case you really are where and when you think you are, you'll need this

[he takes out a scarf from his mailbox]

Kate: . There was a freak late snow and everyone got sick. So, plenty of rest, lots of fluids. Doctor's orders.

Alex: [sarcastically] Snow. Right.

[from trailer]

Kate: It's kind of a long distance relationship.

[from trailer]

Kate: I miss the Lake House. And its trees.

Kate: [surveying her new apartment] Fix the light. Get dog food. Get human food.

Kate: It's nice. It's safe.

Anna Klyczynski: Christ, he's in prison, isn't he? You're one of *those* women, aren't you?

Kate: [to Jack the dog, while playing chess] You want to move that piece? Nice!

Alex: [after he saw her at the subway station in 2004] I don't know if you remember but, we saw each other. That is, I saw you. You never told me... how beautiful you were.

Kate: Well, maybe you saw someone else. That was a bad hair year for me.

Alex: Long brown hair, gentle unguarded eyes...

Kate: OK, OK. You saw me. But I still don't know what you look like.

Kate: It was you. Why didn't you tell me?

Alex: You would've thought I was crazy or drunk. Or both.

Girl Patient: My mom's last boyfriend was bald. He was nice, but she didn't marry him.

Kate: No?

Girl Patient: There's always something better coming around the corner. That's what she says...

Kate: If she's not careful, she can spend her whole life waiting.

Alex: I'm married too. I've got eight children and none of them look like me. I'm worried, Kate.

Kate: I would be too.

Alex: [chuckles] I'm single.

Kate: [thinking out loud on the Loop] Maybe we should properly introduce ourselves.

[guy folds his newspapers and applies breath mint]

[from trailer]

Kate: [voice over] Here's a little something for you. There was a freak blizzard in the spring of 2004. So, watch out for that April snow.

[from trailer]

Kate: [voice over] Ridiculous. For argument's sake, what day is it there?

Alex: April 14th, 2004.

Kate: No. It's April 14th, 2006.

Alex: It's the same day two years apart.

[from trailer]

Kate: It's not meant to be.

Alex: No, don't say that. Something must've happened.

Morgan: [interrupting Kate and Alex's kiss] Kate.

Kate: [awkwardly] Um, Alex was just telling me about the lake house. Yeah, it sounds really great.

Morgan: Great.

Kate: Now, tell me did you or did you not write each other?

Kate's Mother: To your father?

Kate: No, Clark Gable.

Anna Klyczynski: What's his name?

Kate: Morgan.

Anna Klyczynski: Morgan...mmm...that's a sexy name.

Kate: Why is it that we want the ones that don't see us, instead of the ones that do?

Kate: [sitting in the park] I've never done this.

Bec: What?

Kate: Nothing.

Bec: Maybe that's what's wrong with my life. I didn't know this was doing nothing.

Bec: I know it's not my place, because I'm not the one who has this thing, but... please don't give up.

Kate: That's the thing about giving up, you don't realize you've done it until it's to late.

[last lines]

Bec: Now you gotta promise me something. I'm gonna pay you a compliment, and you just gotta lay there and take it. Thanks for the manolos, and for teaching me how to cook. But the biggest thing that I have to thank you for is that you didn't let me fuck this up. 'Cause no one in my life has ever done that for me.

Kate: [nod] Go now...

[from trailer]

Tim: It's just hard to get back.

Kate: It takes a while.

Kate: [after Cal asks why she shot his father] Because he tried to hold me, he tried to tie me down! Nobody holds me!

[repeated line]

Kate: Toe pick!

Kate: I'm sure there's nothing I do that you'd find exciting. I don't open beer bottles with my toes, I don't sit around and count what's left of my teeth, hey, I don't even enjoy a good tractor pull. It's been a limited existence, but I've gotten used to it.

Doug: Life of the party, huh? Place must be crawling with guys.

Kate: As a matter of fact, I do have a boyfriend.

Doug: Well there's a rough gig. What do you do, keep him chained up in the basement?

Kate: Hale at the moment is working in my father's London office, he's an MBA - Harvard. You might have heard of it. They do have a hockey team.

Doug: He must be a very smart guy.

Anton: First positions, please.

Doug: Bet you look pretty good from a few thousand miles away.

Kate: What do you do, shower once a week?

Doug: Is that an invitation?

Kate: I swear, you let me down and it'll take them a month to count the blade marks up your back.

Kate: If you two will excuse me. Naked male insecurity really leaves me cold.

[On the First Olympic Skate Doug has the top button unbuttoned]

Kate: You are an immature asshole of the lowest order.

Doug: If it was forty below and that button meant the difference between a long satisfying life and a cold horrible death from hypothermia, I still wouldn't give you the satisfaction! Skate!

Kate: If you're so bored, why don't you read?

Doug: What, you mean like a book?

Kate: That is a traditionally accepted format, yes.

Doug: Is this the beginning of a conversation, here?

Kate: I was just simply asking if you knew how to read.

Doug: Yes. Doug can read.

Kate: What was the last book you read? You *were* in college?

Doug: The last thing I read in college was the letter canceling my scholarship when I couldn't play anymore.

Kate: Okay, high school.

Doug: I was a hockey player. The only thing I had to read was a scoreboard.

Kate: And they graduated you?

Doug: They revered me. I was a God.

Kate: What a tragic commentary on our times.

[Doug drops Kate on her rear]

Kate: [shouting] You, you cretin!

Doug: Guess that move needs some work.

Kate: It's Christmas and we skate. I have the flu and we skate. I have a boyfriend in London that I never see. I skate every day for you, so that you can play Dr. Frankenstein with this guy. I show up every morning for seven months so that you can give him two days to go off whoring in New York City?

Anton: Is not entirely correct.

[pause]

Anton: He went to Boston.

Kate: [about Anton's dangerous new move] It's illegal!

Anton: Legano... Illegano... Is grey area.

Doug: [Doug chases Kate into the hotel elevator] Kate! Kate, will you wait a minute? Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!

Kate: Don't! Don't even try it! Just looking at you makes me sick! To think I was coming to apoligize! Lorie Peckarovski!

Doug: Were you, or were you not engaged to be married until last night?

Kate: Hardly the point.

Doug: You threw me out of your room!

Kate: Count your blessings. She may not have waited much longer!

Doug: That's not how it happened!

Kate: Spare me the details.

Doug: Where the hell do you get off?

Kate: *Me?*

Doug: This is my fault? From the first day I walk into your rink, you treat me like a hired hand! Then one night, you get drunk, I'm supposed to roll over and thank my lucky stars? I'm sorry, I don't downshift that fast!

Kate: Get out of my way!

Doug: No problem! I've been practicing that move for a year and a half!

[people are chuckling at them]

Doug: Blind date.

Kate: Look at my eyes, look at my eyes. That's good. Okay, now smile. Concentrate on my forehead. Okay. Now, look at me and smile. There you go. Yeah. Bigger. Okay, now breathe.

[pause]

Kate: *Breathe*!

[Doug exhales]

Kate: [disgusted] Just don't breathe on me, okay?

Kate: The only problem that he has is finding his zipper fast enough!

[Doug is carrying Kate's flowers and walking her back to her room. The long program is the next day]

Doug: Man, this overnight thing is brutal. Why can't it be a double header, you know? Short program, long program. Same night, boom, we're outta here, you know what I mean?

Kate: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Doug: It's like 'Enough already!' It's like... what's the word? Uh, y-you know what word I'm looking for? Wh-You know what I mean?

Kate: [trying to open her door] I don't know, uhhh, expectation?

Doug: No, no, when you, uh...

Kate: Anticipation? Excitement?

Doug: Foreplay!

Kate: [looks up in shock, stunned] Foreplay?

Doug: Yeah, you know, like foreplay.

Kate: Yeah, I know what it means.

Doug: Well, wouldn't you rather just get right to it?

Kate: What?

Doug: Skating. Long program.

[Kate stares, wide-eyed]

Doug: Chicago? Nationals?

[holds up her bouquet]

Doug: Flowers?

Kate: [still stunned, takes her flowers] Sleep. I'd rather sleep.

[She goes into her room, leaving Doug very confused outside]

Rick Tuttle: I wanna see your ass in the air!

Kate: Until Hercules here learns how to lock his grip, this will have to do!

[lifts up skirt, showing her butt, and skates around the rink]

Kate: God's gift to reckless abandon revealed as nothing but a prude in wolf's clothing.

Kate: What were you planning on doing when your gladiatoring days were over?

Doug: You can bet your tights I never thought I'd be working a freak show like this.

Kate: I'm surprised you don't chuck it all and start your own think tank.

Kate: An old shirt.

Doug: An old shirt? Bobby Hull wore that sweater. That's Bobby Hull's game sweater. That - I've had that 15 years. Bobby Hull.

Doug: [Unfamiliar with figure skates] Hey, what's the deal with these claws in the front here?

Anton: Is toe pick.

Doug: Toe pick? Let me guess, it has something to personal hygiene.

Kate: I wouldn't let that get in your way.

Doug: I don't let anything get in my way.

Kate: Who the hell do you think you are?

Doug: I know exactly who I am, sweetheart. I'm a guy who came a long way for lunch.

Kate: Well, please don't let me keep you from the trough.

Hale: You're falling for him.

Kate: What?

Hale: Doug.

Kate: [sarcastic] Yeah.

Hale: You are. You're falling for him.

Kate: Well, that's crazy.

Hale: You think so?

Kate: You're nuts.

Hale: Am I?

Kate: Well, you see how we act together.

Hale: Yes, I do.

Kate: We never get along. I mean, we're always fighting.

Hale: Foreplay.

Hale: Kate, what are you looking for?

Kate: Nothing! My earring!

Kate: [referring to Doug] When we're through here, can we please teach it how to breathe with its mouth closed?

Doug: It's out.

Kate: It's in.

Doug: It's out.

Kate: It's in.

Doug: It's out!

Kate: It's in!

Doug: What difference does it make?

Kate: The difference is... I'm in the mood to kick a little ass.

[last lines]

Josh: [posing for group picture] Alright, posture everyone.

Kate: [holding the camera] Uh, I'm going to need you to get a lot closer together than that.

Sarah: Okay.

Ben: Come on, come on.

[arm around Alex]

Josh: Alright. I'm going to pose a quick idea, you guys. Maybe next time we do this, it's a happy occasion.

Alex: Is there going to be a next time?

Isaac: Uh oh.

Sarah: Alex...

Kate: Okay. One, two...

Alex: Hey, um... I'm sorry about what I said last night. I'm...

Kate: It's okay. Don't worry. You're not even 48 hours removed from a traumatic event. You're suddenly the center of love and attention and you're feeling mildly manic and also oddly angry. I imagine you're also experiencing mood-cycling and you're scared as hell of the next time you'll crash, so, no. I'm not taking it personally.

Alex: Good.

Kate: Don't worry, though. You'll level off.

Isaac: You ready to meet my parents?

Kate: I don't think so.

Isaac: I don't blame you. They're fucking crazy.

[on a dinner table]

Elliot: You're not a boy anymore, son. You're a young man. Do you know how lucky you are this happened while you're in high school so the principal could call your mother? Because in the real world, you're in jail right now.

Joey: I didn't steal anything.

[cell phone rings]

Elliot: [answering] Hello?

Kate: Ben, would you like some more water?

Ben: Yes, please.

Elliot: [on the phone] No. No, let's just leave the way it is. I don't want to change anything at this point.

Kate: [whispering to Elliot] Can we do this later, please?

Elliot: [on the phone] Yeah. I can't talk right now. I'll call you back in half an hour.

[hangs up the phone]

Kate: Thank you.

Elliot: Where were we?

Ben: Jail.

Merton: You want me to seduce a dying girl? And what makes you think she'll just leave me all her money?

Kate: I know her. I know how she loves.

Kate: Every time she smiles, remember that I love you more.

Kate: Promise me - on your honor - that you're not in love with her memory.

Kate: You know when I was little, my dad told me that babies grow in trees.

Bobby: My dad told me, I came from his balls.

[first lines]

Bobby: Is today the day?

Kate: I don't know. Maybe.

Bobby: What's your gut tell you?

Kate: That I'm nauseous.

Bobby: How 'bout less literally...

Kate: I'm afraid of deciding.

Bobby: I'm *not* afraid of either scenario, but it's just - I want this to be something we're doing, not something we're not doing.

Kate: What does *this* mean?

Bobby: This, meaning whatever we decide.

Kate: Do I remind you of my mother?

Bobby: Is that a trick question?

Kate: What, you think I... I do?

Bobby: I dunno, I don't want to answer that. I was raised by a single dad.

Kate: There's no gnome.

Tonya: Yes there is. His name is Gerald. He's a forest gnome but his passion is in wiring.

Kate: Holy crap.

Juliet: I'm just sure I'm never going to find love again.

Kate: How old are you?

Juliet: Eighteen.

Kate: You sad little bastard, you have no idea.

Kate: It's gonna be the best vacation ever.

Kate: [having sex in their van] What was that?

Ben: What was what?

Kate: [van shakes] That!

Ben: God, it's probably Michael.

Kate: Oh, what timing.

Ben: [van continues to shake] Okay, okay buddy, you hear us in here; stop shaking the van!

Kate: Quick, grab a balloon.

Ben: Yeah, right! Happy fucking Birthday!

[Guy unzip's trousers]

Kate: What are you doing?

Guy: Just Breaking the ice.

Kate: I don't know what to say. It's like a penis... just smaller.

Kate: What's your name?

George: George.

Kate: I was supposed to meet a George tonight... this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

Homeless Guy: Any spare change?

Kate: [withdrawing money from a cash machine] This machine gives out notes. Why don't you hang round a phone box?

Kate: Okay, listen to me, I really don't mean to be rude but I don't care about your life story right now, we have to get to the security guard as soon as possible

Jimmy: You're a cheeky, fuckin' bitch, do you know that?

Kate: Craig... is that your fucking name?

Guy: Come on, you know you want it

Kate: Guy - you're mentally ill, do you know that? Freak

Guy: Kate - where you going?

Kate: Out of here

Guy: [sweetly] Good luck!

Kate: Now... what is that supposed to mean?

Jimmy: [after Kate explains an attack] It sounds to me like some vigilante train driver got a wee bit carried away. The way I see it, you should be thankin' the man, not runnin' away from him.

Kate: No, no, no, you have no idea. You didn't see what he did to Guy.

Jimmy: The rapist?

Mandy: Can I have a fag, Jim?

Kate: I'm telling you, something is not *right* down here!

Jimmy: [after he hands Mandy a cigarette, which she is not aware of] There's a lot of things not right doon 'ere, sweetheart.

Mandy: Can I have a fag, Jim?

Jimmy: You've got one in your fingers, babe!

Kate: [to a silent figure in the train] Excuse me, I fell asleep on the platform

Kate: [after silence] Don't you check them before you lock up?

[silence]

Kate: I mean, it sounds a little weird nobody's in charge here

Kate: [after no answer] Excuse me? Would you mind answering me? You're starting to freak me out!

Jimmy: [They have discovered a barely alive Guy on the tracks] What you lookin at me for?

Kate: I don't know. Can we just get him off the rails?

Jimmy: He tried to rape you - let him rot!

Guy: Please - help!

Jimmy: FUCK off!

[Kate is trapped on a stopped train and is trying to get some sense out of a coked-up Guy]

Kate: [banging on door between cabin and cariage] Hello? Did you kill the driver?

Jimmy: So what are you, French?

Kate: No, I'm German.

Jimmy: German? I support Germany when they're playing against England at football. Come to think of it I support anyone who's playing against England at football.

Kate: [from trailer] Paul! Paul! Aaaa!

Kate: I can't remember who I am or how I got here.

Jack: I seem to be having the same problem.

[laughs weakly]

Kate: My entire life, before that moment, is a blank.

Jack: Well, at least you look better in your underwear than I do.

Kate: Why didn't it come in here and kill us?

Jack: What; are you complaining?

[last lines]

Kate: Yesterday, we were born. Today, we live.

[first lines]

Kate: Does anybody hear me? Anybody? Let me outta here! Open this door!

[repeated line]

Kate: Do you know who you are?

[Charlie and Jack see the ominous shadows moving along the wall.]

Jack: We have to go. Now!

Kate: Oh, no. Oh...

Dave: [nervous, but trying to hide it] What's the matter? Big man with the scalpel is afraid of his own shadow?

Jack: Only when they're trying to kill me.

Bill: I can't remember the last time I saw stars in the city.

Kate: Too many wishes...

Bill: What?

Kate: Maybe that's why we can't see them.

[first lines]

Narrator: This is the story of a small-town girl.

Kate: "Call me Ishmael."

Narrator: Who just finished Moby Dick.

Kate: My favorite books right now are Twilight and Survival in Auschwitz. Before that I was in to Huckleberry Finn; not because I live on the Mississippi, but because fundamentalists want to ban it.

Narrator: This small-town girl reads. Some might say too much.

Kate: What's your dream?

Louise: Kate. I'm too old for dreams.

Kate: The Chinese people were brainwashed. I don't get cults.

Louise: I was in a cult once. It was called marriage.

Kate: [caught dancing at window] Did you see anything - please say no.

Carson: Definitely not.

Kate: You're lying.

Kate: Nice wrapping paper.

[unwraps newsprint]

Darby: Thought you'd like cashews.

Kate: They're half empty.

Darby: Or half full, just depending on how you look at it. I was a little hungry when I was wrapping it. Can I actually have some of it?

Jordan: You're still here.

Kate: I'm like a shark. I, I don't sleep, I just circle and make shakes.

Kate: This birthday so sucks!

Darby: You're emotionally ten. You probably never even masturbated.

Kate: I've masturbated - a lot!

[turns to biker that just walked up]

Kate: What?

Candi: I don't like your attitude. I want the cook.

Darby: You know what your problem is? You read too much, okay? You know too much about... the holocaust, and being black in America. Oh, and ChapStick addictions? Come on Kate, you're nuts.

Kate: I thought you would find it interesting that people could be addicted to ChapStick. And technically it's not the ChapStick that's addictive, it's the putting it on that's addictive.

Kate: You were an alcoholic when you were 15?

Tatiana: I'm a passionate person. Nothing half way.

[last lines]

Kate: Next, I'm reading a book Tatiana gave me about a Russian girl, a hundred years ago, who can't be with a man she wants. If I were that girl I wouldn't throw myself under a train. I'd get on that train with the man I love.

Narrator: It looks like we're in for several months of depressing Russian writers...

Kate: What do you think of the guy at Darby's window?

Rene: He's wearin' a pink polo shirt. Anything else you need to know?

Tatiana: Ok, if your mother still alive, one of your parents never see you again, who you choose?

Kate: I love my dad, but I think mothers need their daughters more emotionally.

Tatiana: I choose my dad, I hate my mother.

Kate: If something happens to her your going to feel horrible.

Tatiana: No, I hate. When I'm twelve she come onto me sexually. She have no boundaries even though she is family therapist. I tell her, "Put down the vodka and get away from me." This is really good fudge.

Kate's Doctor: Would you prefer to see another doctor?

Kate: Yes, Dr. Seuss.

Kate: I don't hang around with psychos.

Kate: Well, I'm pregnant.

Harry: That's great! Wait, how do you know?

Kate: Easy, the "Wheel of Fortune" answers for the day were: "Great Expectations" and "Big as a blimp."

Kate: Men are just giant artichokes. They're prickly and hairy and hard and... until you get to the heart.

Parker Concorde: Which is the best part.

Kate: Are you SURE you're gay?

Samantha: He is sweet, isn't he? You ever had your ass waxed?

Jack: Were you trying to be nice?

Kate: You're breaking my arm.

Jack: To get the gun? Or were you just desperate? How long has it been, Kate? How long since he gave you what you want?

Lenny: You know people in heaven too, don't you?

Kate: Yes I do.

Lenny: They love you even more when they get to heaven, you know. No matter what.

Jake: [to Kate] I don't give a damn about you. Give me the same respect and leave me the hell alone.

Kate: You just going to sit here and rot?

Jake: Everything I touch turns to shit. It's better this way for everybody.

Kate: [about Jake's estranged son] What I wouldn't give to have what you're throwing away.

Billy Hyatt: Say, ah, how come you're married to Wes?

Kate: I ain't really. He bartered me.

Billy Hyatt: Bartered you?

Kate: My folks traded me for twenty dollars and a horse. They's poor.

Billy Hyatt: Me, I'd call that a lot worse than poor.

Kate: Ain't much never mind. 'Bout the same here as it was with them. Get your work done, keep your mouth shut.

Billy Hyatt: Twenty dollars and a horse. Seems to me you'd be worth... a little more than that.

Kate: [Rejecting Arch's advances] When I wanna meet someone for the second time, I let'm know.

[She slaps him]