Karen Quotes in Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Spider-Man: I got you!
Karen: This is your chance. Kiss her.
Karen: Well, a promise tomorrow is worth a lot less than trying today.
Claire: Ew! You're using Mom's lines now?
Karen: Oh, my God. I am using Mom's lines.
Karen: Boys, let's do this!
Karen: That's better than middle school.
[they kiss again]
Nathan: That's 'cause I know what I'm doing now.
[they kiss and embrace]
Karen: Ha... and no braces either.
[she giggles; they kiss; the train lurches; she giggles again; they kiss; he removes his jacket; they kiss more passionately; he lifts her up for her to straddle him as he sits; they kiss some more]
Karen: Ah... We should get some food.
Nathan: [breathy] Yeah... I'm starving.
Karen: Hmmm... So I had to wait four years for you to ask me out?
Nathan: [laughs] Yeah... but you gotta admit, it was one pretty exciting first date.
Karen: [giggles] Definitely.
Karen: Are we gonna die, Nathan?
Nathan: No... I won't let that happen.
Will: Abby, are you all right?
Abby: Yeah, I was just looking at crabs!
Abby: Daddy, don't worry about me so much!
Karen: [Imitating Abby] Yeah daddy, don't worry so much. We'll be fine!
Hickey: Marvin will be here soon. You will not get emotional. You will not freak out. You'll give the kid his medicine, and then we're gonna go.
Karen: I understand.
Hickey: You're gonna make sure you do because I'm gonna have a gun on you every second. Abby's gonna go a little crazy when you leave. You're gonna tough it out. Just like the first day of school. You remember that, right? If you flip out and if you try to run, I will shoot you. I'm not gonna shoot her. I'm gonna shoot you with her daddy's gun. And she will have nightmares for the rest of her life. Now get your stuff.
Karen: [pointing a gun] Take me to her! You SON OF A BITCH!
Hickey: You would be grateful if I helped your little girl, right?
Karen: [quietly] Yes.
Hickey: How would you show me?
Karen: You take me to her first, and then I'll show you.
Hickey: How does every woman know that? How to be a hooker?
Hickey: 'Get the payment up front'.
Hickey: Is that what they're teaching you in Home Ec when we're in Shop?
Karen: Nobody has to teach you how to protect your child. You'd know that if you had one.
Ichi: Did... you really want me to rape you, Miss Tachibana?
Karen: Oh, no. I didn't want it from you. I wanted it from anyone. The only thing that can help me now is despair.
Karen: I wonder whose car this is.
Tom: Whoever it is, they like Pat Benatar, Eddie Money and... Oh. The soundtrack to Footloose.
Tom: Oh, my God. This is my car from high school.
Tom: What did you hit me with, anyway?
Karen: It was a crucifix. (Everyone looks at her) What? It was all I could find.
Tom: Great, I'm gonna have people from all around the world come to see the impression of Jesus on my forehead.
Tom: [while floating down the road in a half submerged car] You all right?
Karen: Yeah, I'm fine. I think the heater just kicked in.
Tom: At least we're out of the rain, right?
Karen: Oh, yeah. This is real cozy.
Karen: It's not your baby.
Larry: I don't understand.
Woman at Cowboy Frank's: It means she's got a bun in her oven that ain't your recipe. Now, is the salad bar still free though?
Larry: Why would you care? Doesn't look like you've had a salad all your life.
Karen: That's what I like about you, impulsive.
Slim: Oh, not me. All I do is assess risk. Good risks and bad risks. That's insurance for you.
Karen: So what are you, a good risk or a bad risk?
Slim: What do you think?
[unhooking her bra]
Karen: Bad. Real bad.
Stingray: Hello Anna. Anna you're coming with me.
[Karen tries to kick Stingray]
Karen: You're crazy! And my name's not Anna!
Karen: Boris Badenov. I've seen you on TV. You're a crooked, creepy, no-good rotten worm.
Boris: Oh, thank you.
Karen: You're slimy, sneaky, sleazy...
Boris: Please. You'll turn my pretty head.
Karen: You're a sadistic spy and a really bad person
Boris: Stop. You're embarrassing me.
Bullwinkle: Rocky's right, Karen, and two rights don't make a wrong!
Rocky: Bullwinkle, that's not what you mean!
Bullwinkle: You mean two rights do make a wrong?
Bullwinkle: I always thought two rights made a U-turn.
Karen: I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Bullwinkle: Well, let's find out. Two U-turns make a circle, two circles make a figure-8, two figure-8's make a butterfly...
Karen: Look, all I want from you guys are results, okay?
Karen: Bullwinkle, can you rappel?
Bullwinkle: Sure. I've been repelling viewers for years.
Karen: It's Rocky... and Bull... Bull...
Bullwinkle: I believe the word you're looking for is "winkle".
Bullwinkle: What kind of music is this?
Bullwinkle: [begins "hip-hopping"] Ok, but I still want to know what kind of music this is.
[Karen has escaped from prison and has stolen a truck leaving Oleg stranded at a movie theater]
Narrator: [to Karen; about her recent actions] Now THAT wasn't very nice.
Karen: [scoffs] Shut up.
[Karen puts on a set of sunglasses]
Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...
Harry: Oh, Karen...
Karen: Would you wait around to find out...
Parent: Good night!
Karen: Night, night. Happy Christmas!
[back to Harry]
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool!
Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too!
Karen: So what's this big news, then?
Daisy: [excited] We've been given our parts in the nativity play. And I'm the lobster.
Karen: The lobster?
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: [beaming] Yeah, *first* lobster.
Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Karen: Now which doll shall we give Daisy's little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?
Karen: The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is, it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier maché lobster head.
Karen: True love lasts a lifetime.
Daniel: I'm afraid that there's somethin' really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.
Karen: At the age of eleven?
Daniel: Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.
Prime Minister: Oh dear, it's the Chancellor of the Exchequer on the other line.
Karen: No, it isn't.
Prime Minister: I'll call you back.
Karen: No, you won't.
Karen: Mia's very pretty.
Harry: [nonchalantly but unconvincingly] Is she?
Karen: You know she is, darling. Be careful there.
Karen: Loitering around the jewelry section, I see!
Harry: No. I was just looking around.
Karen: Don't worry, my expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr. "Oh-but-you-always-LOVE-scarves"! Actually, I do love this one.
Karen: Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.
Karen: If you're from Africa, why are you white?
Gretchen: Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.
[trying to avoid plans with Regina]
Karen: I can't go out.
[faux coughs softly]
Karen: I'm sick.
Regina: Boo, you whore!
Karen: On Wednesdays we wear pink!
Karen: Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles.
Karen: And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it.
Karen: And I'm sorry for repeating it now.
[Gretchen arrives at Karen's house, dressed in a cat suit with cat ears. Karen's in a skimpy short dress]
Gretchen: What are you supposed to be?
[Points to her headband]
Karen: I'm a MOUSE. DUH.
Karen: You know who's looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.
Gretchen: Okay, you did not just say that.
Karen: What? He's a good kisser.
Gretchen: He's your cousin.
Karen: Yeah, but he's my first cousin.
Karen: So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...
Gretchen: No, honey, uh-uh.
Karen: That's not right, is it?
Gretchen: That is so not right.
Regina: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.
Karen: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?
Regina: I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!
[Regina leaves, Gretchen follows]
Gretchen: Wait, Regina! Talk to me!
Regina: No one understands me...
Gretchen: I understand you!
[Regina & Gretchen's voices fade out]
Cady: You're not stupid, Karen.
Karen: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!
Cady: Well... there must be something you're good at.
Karen: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?
Cady: No no no... Anything else?
Karen: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.
Cady: What do you mean?
Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.
Cady: Really? That's amazing.
Karen: Well... they can tell when it's raining.
Karen: Why are you dressed so scary?
Cady: It's Halloween.
Karen: There's a 30% chance that it's already raining!
Gretchen: Regina, we have to talk to you.
Regina: Is butter a carb?
Cady: [Rudely] YES.
Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!
Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!
Gretchen: You can't sit with us!
Regina: [pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
Regina: [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
Karen: God. My hips are huge!
Gretchen: Oh please. I hate my calves.
Regina: At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.
Cady: [voiceover] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there's lots of things that can be wrong on your body.
Gretchen: My hairline is so weird.
Regina: My pores are huge.
Karen: My nail beds suck.
[pause. All look at Cady]
Cady: I have really bad breath in the morning.
Gretchen: [reading from the Burn Book] Trang Pak is a grotsky, little byotch.
Regina: Still true.
Gretchen: Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.
Regina: Still half-true.
Karen: Amber D'Alessio . She made out with a hot dog.
Gretchen: Janis Ian-DYKE.
Karen: [pointing to Damien in background of picture] Hey, who is that?
Gretchen: I think it's that kid, Damien.
Cady: Yeah, he's almost too gay to function.
[Karen & Gretchen chuckle]
Regina: That's funny, put that in there.
Karen: [after being dumped by Aaron, Regina is crying and holding hands with Gretchen and Karen in her bedroom] Did he say why?
Regina: [sniffling] Somebody told him about Shane Oman.
Regina: He said some guy on the baseball team.
Karen: Baseball team?
Regina: I gave him EVERYTHING. I was half a virgin when I met him!
Karen: You want to do something fun?
Karen: You want to go to Taco Bell?
Regina: I CAN'T GO TO TACO BELL, I'M ON AN ALL-CARB DIET. God, Karen, you are SO stupid!
Regina: We do not have a clique problem at this school.
Gretchen: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".
Regina: What are "frenemies"?
Gretchen: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies".
Karen: Or "enemends".
Gretchen: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors".
Regina: [rolls eyes] That is so gay.
Karen: [gasps] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"?
Gretchen: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it.
Cady: I think I'm joining the Mathletes.
Regina, Gretchen, Karen: No! No, no!
Regina: You cannot do that. That is social suicide. *Damn*! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.
Gretchen Wieners: I think tonight might be the night with Jason.
Karen: What are you talking about? You've already slept with him
Gretchen Wieners: [pauses] Yeah but tonight's night i like it.
Regina George: It's called the South Beach Fat Flush and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours.
Aaron Samuels: Lemme see that... this isn't even cranberry juice, it's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar.
Regina George: I wanna lose three pounds.
Karen: Oh my God, you're so skinny!
Regina George: Shut up.
Gretchen: Growing up female in this world is not easy. In China, baby girls are routinely put up for adoption. And in parts of Africa, women are still made to live in tents during the time of their menses.
Gretchen: And even in fancy countries like the United States and England, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image.
Regina George: Who cares? Six of those girls are right!
Karen: [thinks she flashed over] Oh my god, she's so annoying.
Gretchen: Who is?
Karen: Who's this?
Karen: Right... hold on.
[Karen flashes over]
Karen: Oh my god, she's so annoying.
Karen: I can't have sex with you. It'd be dangerous.
Davis: There's that word again. Is Carl really out of town, or did you just chop him up into little pieces and stuff him in your sock drawer?
Karen: That's ridiculous. I don't have a sock drawer.
Davis: Well... where do you keep all your socks?
Karen: In the same drawer as my underwear.
Davis: What? I just... You know, I just think a woman's underwear is deserving of its own space.
Karen: [on the phone] I'm sorry again, mister Mitchell. This is so unprofessional.
Davis: Customer service is a profession?
Davis: [his first words on the telephone] I just dismantled a $2,000 cappuccino machine.
Karen: Why did you call me, mister Mitchell?
Davis: Why'd you answer?
Karen: There's something about your letters. I'm re-reading one right now in my tub. I'm not bathing or anything. I just sit here.
Karen: You'll never get this many people to come to my funeral.
Michael: Ohh, Karen, I'll come. And, you know... I'll bring a date.
Karen: [smoking a joint, passes it to Harold] No... I know that Richard will always be faithful to me.
Harold: [takes the joint, about to smoke it] That's nice. You trust.
Karen: [shaking her head] Fear of herpes.
[Harold stops short of putting the joint in his mouth]
Karen: So, you and Alex were living here?
Chloe: We have a room downstairs. Well we did. I do. I'm the one who found him.
Karen: Oh God. It must have been awful.
Chloe: It was, it was a real mess.
Karen: So, what are you gonna do now?
Chloe: Oh, we cleaned it up.
Sam Weber: So how's your life?
Karen: Oh, great. How's yours?
Sam Weber: Not so great.
Karen: Ohhh, we're telling the truth.
Michael: Everyone does everything just to get laid.
Karen: Who said that? Freud?
Michael: No, I did.
Karen: I know this is hard but it's all beautiful.
Sarah: Yeah we put on a great funeral here.
Michael: [sarcastically] Yeah, maybe I'll have mine here.
Sarah: We give first priority to people who kill themselves in one of our bathrooms.
[the three stop smiling]
Sarah: That was a terrible thing to say... I don't know why I said that.
Sam Weber: You know, Karen, if we had gotten married, we'd be going shopping like this.
Karen: No, if we had gotten married I'd be doing this alone.
Nick: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey. everyone, it's J.T. Lancer! Let's all go watch this incredible show!
Sarah: Woo hoo!
[everyone runs into the living room]
Karen: Come on, Sam.
Sam Weber: [lagging behind] Jesus!
Sarah: I know he wasn't happy. That doesn't tell you much. I'd no idea how bad it was. I think he purposely wanted to cut off from all of us because he was so unhappy with where he was at.
Karen: Is that true, Chloe? Did you feel that?
Chloe: I don't know. We had some good times. I haven't met that many happy people in my life, how do they act?
Nick: Mm hm.
Karen: How about you Michael? So tell us about the world of big time journalism.
Sam Weber: Yeah.
Michael: Well iwhere I work we only have one editorial rule. You can't write anything longer than it takes your average person to take an average crap.
Michael: I'm getting tired of everything I write being read in the can.
Harold: You can read Dostoyevsky in the can.
Michael: Yes, but they can't finish it.
Karen: I happen to LIKE the roller coaster, okay? As far as I'm concerned, your grandmother is brilliant.
Gil: Yeah, if she's so brilliant, why is she sitting in our NEIGHBOR'S CAR?
Gil: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?
Gil: You feel like you wanna throw up?
[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying]
Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you standing there?
Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.
Karen: Do you really have to go?
Gil: My whole life is "have to."
[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs]
Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea. When you're driving in your Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Karen: Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?
Kevin Buckman: Last summer at camp, Mom.
Gil: Ah, that was money well spent.
Justin, Taylor, Kevin Buckman: When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst, diarrhea, diarrhea.
Karen: He likes to butt things... with his head.
Nathan: How proud you must be.
Gil: [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator] What's this?
[switches vibrator on]
Gil: [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]
Taylor: Mommy, what was that?
Karen: That was... an electric ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kind of big.
Grandma: It sure was!
Susan: You see, when I met him, I was a little wild, I was a little out of control and he kind of... took me in hand. I liked that. He's very... commanding. He got me into teaching, he got my shit together. Boy, he really turned on.
Karen: [incredulous] Really?
[changes her tone of voice]
Karen: I-I mean, uh, of course. Really?
Susan: Oh, Nathan and I used to be hot. I know he doesn't look it but, I mean, we were like rabbits. I used to give him... you know... oral, you know... on the highway.
Susan: You know, he was always trying to get a research grant.
Karen: And you thought that would help?
Susan: No. But, I mean, he kept getting turned down and he'd get real, real tense. So, if I saw him getting, you know, really tense, I'd just... lean over while he was driving and, uh...
Karen: Justin's going to go full time next year, so everybody's asking when I'm going to go back to work. Like I'm supposed to. And I'm thinking about it, I mean, I used to like work, it was OK, but... you know, I think I'm better at this, I mean, I think I'm sort of good at it, so... But then people make me feel embarrassed, like I don't have goals or something. Like I sit around here eating bonbons all day, right? Oh, I don't know.
Helen: Well, what does Gil say?
Karen: He says I should do whatever I want. I could have killed him for that.
[Bert leaves the cabin with a rifle]
Karen: Bert, what the hell is that?
Bert: Huh? Oh, I'm gonna go shoot some squirrels.
Paul: Why would you wanna kill squirrels?
Bert: 'cause they're gay.
Karen: Bert, don't be a fucking retard.
Bert: I'm kidding. I don't care if they're gay or straight, I'll kill 'em either way.
Paul: So, what's the fox urine for?
Old Man Cadwell: Oh that's for foxes.
Karen: What's the rifle for?
Old Man Cadwell: That's for niggers.
Karen: That guy asked for our help. We lit him on fire. You'll understand if I'm not in a particularly social mood.
[Group is sitting around a campfire, telling stories]
Jeff: Tell them about The Happy Bald Guy.
Karen: No, I can't take it
Paul: He was the guy that gave us our shoes and quarters for the video games. There was a room with a pool table too, but my dad wouldn't let us go back there. The bald guy was always happy, always smiling. But the killer got him too. When the cops searched the place, they found all the hacked off limbs at the end of the bowling lanes. The guy had bowled people's organs. Arms, legs, everything. They found the bald guy's head in the ball return. He was still smiling.
Paul: Hey, where are you going?
Karen: Where does it look like I'm going?
Paul: But, well, I thought we were kissing.
Karen: Yeah, we were, weren't we?
Paul: So... you like me now? Like, is this a date?
Karen: Don't be gay.
Karen: Paul? Is everything okay?
Deputy Winston: Howdy, ma'am. Everything's Fine. Just go back inside, have yourself a big 40... just party.
Karen: Umm... Okay.
Deputy Winston: Oh, Daddy, why are you talking about leaving? You've got to stay and party.
Paul: That's why we came here in the first place.
Deputy Winston: I'm telling you, this is a major party town.
Paul: Really? Are you kidding me?
Deputy Winston: You know what it's like when you go to a new town and you're the new guy? All the girls see you walking down the street. They don't know you've got five pounds of dingaling meat. They're looking for no commitment. You understand what I'm saying? I've heard that theory before. This is that town. It's like when I go party up at Wambusau. My cousin goes to school there. When I party at Wambusau, I know I'm gonna get pussy. Plus the girls there don't know I'm a deputy. So I know they're gonna party hard with me. Believe me, man, they do.
Paul: That's too bad, I bet you ruled this town before you had a badge.
Deputy Winston: Yeah, but a badge makes you grow up quick.
Karen: When you've known someone a long time, you just want to kiss them just to see if they're a good kisser. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
Karen: You are a Lola.
Karen: Ok. That's it. No allowance for 1 month and then you're gonna have a parole hearing.
Lola: I could really use the money now, mom. Can't you take it away next month or September?
Kathy: A lot of magical things have happened since you walked through those doors.
Kathy: My menstrual cycle started back up again. And I don't even have a uterus. I mean I have it... it's in a jar. It's actually in the room that you're staying in.
Martin: And I'm wondering: how did it all slip away?
Karen: Well, it didn't slip away, Martin. You did, when you went off to fuck Nicky at my birthday party.
Martin: Yeah, that was a good party.
Karen: "I'll think about it" means nothing in L.A...
[Everybody is reading Tracy's story. Brooke starts to turn the page. Everyone at once]
Tony: Yes please.
Mamie-Claire: Wait, it hasn't done yet.
Rose: Pink Bubblegum please.
Karen: Pink Bubblegum?
Rose: Yeah. It's the flavor of the month.
Karen: [during the flying rocket-propelled shopping cart chase] This is embarrassing.
Dorothy: Where's the groom-to-be?
Karen: He's not here yet.
Dorothy: You know Paul, he always comes a little late.
Buck: What do you think of that, Kenny?
Karen: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
John: Erm... Go fuck yourself?
Mr. Henderson: Don't worry. I didn't expect anything else.
John: Ah, go fuck yourself!
Karen: You're SUCH a nice guy
Karen: Danny, look! This filthy, semi-literate yahoo wants to do me. Dreams do come true! No, sure, I want to, right now, right here on the table. Why not? The way that jelly clings to your chin, it's so sexy, look at you. I mean, that pasty, white gut of yours cascades over your belt like water in a dream, what more could a woman want?
Karen: I can tell you're a man, and a friendly one at that, or that's a pickle in your pocket.
Karen: [narrating] I know there are women, like my best friends, who would have gotten out of there the minute their boyfriend gave them a gun to hide. But I didn't. I got to admit the truth. It turned me on.
Karen: What do you do?
Henry Hill: I'm in construction.
Karen: [She feels the softness of his hands] They don't feel like you're in construction.
Henry Hill: Ah, I'm a union delegate.
Janice Rossi: [Karen buzzing over and over on her husband's girlfriend's intercom] Hello. Hello?
Karen: Hello? This is Karen Hill, I want to talk to you.
[pressing the 2R button, she hangs up]
Karen: Hello? Don't hang up on me! I want to talk to you! You keep away from my husband, you hear me? Hello? Open the door!
[keeps hitting the buttons]
Karen: ANSWER ME!
[she keeps pressing the 2R button]
Karen: I'm going to tell everybody who walks in this building that in 2R, Rossi, you're nothing but a whore!
[gets on phone]
Karen: Is this the superintendent?... Yes, I want you to know, sir! That you have a whore living in 2R!
Janice Rossi: Shit.
Karen: [hits the 2R button] Rossi! Janice Rossi, do you hear me? He's MY husband! Get your own goddamn man!
Karen: [narrating] After awhile, it got to be all normal. None of it seemed like crime. It was more like Henry was enterprising, and that he and the guys were making a few bucks hustling, while all the other guys were sitting on their asses, waiting for handouts. Our husbands weren't brain surgeons, they were blue-collar guys. The only way they could make extra money, real extra money, was to go out and cut a few corners.
[Cuts to Henry and Tommy hijacking a truck]
Karen: [narrating] One night, Bobby Vinton sent us champagne. There was nothing like it. I didn't think there was anything strange in any of this. You know, a twenty-one-year-old kid with such connections. He was an exciting guy. He was really nice. He introduced me to everybody. Everybody wanted to be nice to him. And he knew how to handle it.
Karen: [after Henry has stood her up on what was to be their second date] You got some nerve standing me up like that last night! Nobody does that to me! Who the Hell do you think you are? Frankie Valli or some kinda bigshot?
Karen: [narrating, referring to the other wives] They all had bad skin and wore too much make up. They didn't look very good; they look beat up. The stuff they wore were thrown together and cheap, a lot of pantsuits and double knits. They talked about beating their kids with broom handles and leather belts, and that their kids still didn't pay any attention. When Henry picked me up, I was dizzy.
Karen: Please stop feeding the dog from the table... from the plate on top of it.
Karen: [narrating] It was like he had two families. The first time I was introduced to all of them at once, it was crazy. Paulie and his brothers had lots of sons and nephews. And almost all of them were named Peter or Paul. It was unbelievable. There must have been two dozen Peters and Pauls at the wedding. Plus, they were all married to girls named Marie. And they named all their daughters Marie. By the time I finished meeting everybody, I thought I was drunk.
Rick: Fuck! Why do these guys have to be black? I mean, why? No matter how we spin this thing, I'm either gonna lose the black vote or I'm gonna lose the law and order vote!
Karen: You know, I think you're worrying too much. You have a lot of support in the black community.
Rick: All right. If we can't duck this thing, we're gonna have to neutralize it. What we need is a picture of me pinning a medal on a black man. Bruce? The firefighter - the one that saved the camp or something - Northridge... what's his name?
Bruce: He's Iraqi.
Rick: He's Iraqi? Well, he looks black.
Bruce: He's dark-skinned, sir, but he's Iraqi, his name's Saddam Hassif.
Rick: Saddam? His name's Saddam? Oh, that's real good, Bruce. Yeah, I'm gonna pin a medal on an Iraqi named Saddam. Give yourself a raise, will you?
Karen: [narrating] He had taken her life, and with that, her mother's heart, and her father's mind, and now, all that remained of Maureen was a tree in her mother's garden.
Lanny Morris: I left you a note.
Karen: [voice in her head] What have they done?
Karen: Once upon a time, when terrible things happened to people, they were left as a mystery. Even the tabloids kept a distance. Some things... were allowed to be left just the way they were...
Vince: [as she comes to, he is drinking tea] Morning.
Karen: That was not a Quaalude you gave me. I've had Quaaludes.
Vince: Hmmm. I said it was like a Quaalude.
Karen: And you didn't take one yourself, you palmed the pill.
Vince: [smirking] Somebody had to drive.
[puts down his tea-cup]
Vince: Don't worry, you won't get pregnant. Not from Alice, and certainly not from me. I didn't take off my pants, as you may or may not remember.
Karen: There are laws against drugging people.
Vince: Oh, please! You took it voluntarily, nobody slipped it into your drink. And you chased it with one of the most expensive wines in the world. I think you're just in a dither because you discovered you can swing both ways.
[she looks at him in dismay]
Vince: You see, I needed to get something on you. Of course, your behavior with Lanny might have been even better than this, but... well, I'd already set the wheels in motion, and, as I was dying to see you and Alice get it on, I... well, these are just a sample.
[holds up revealing Polaroids, smiles, she is even more dismayed]
Karen: Why would she agree to do this? Doesn't she want a career?
Vince: Well, it's your career I'm worried about. You're a journalist playing loose with the rules. She's just a vulnerable young singer you seduced. A promising
[looking at a snapshot:]
Vince: oh, good heavens...! A promising artist that I happen to manage. You met her through me, and had your way with her.
[peeks at her past a Polaroid]
Karen: [scoffing softly in distaste] What do you want from me?
Vince: You're gonna continue writing the book. I'm gonna continue telling you juicy stories, funny stories, heart-tugging stories, and you're not gonna ask me a single question about what happened to the girl in New Jersey. You're gonna go to your publisher and say you tried every angle, but you could find nothing odd or suspicious in what I told you.
Karen: [Karen tries to put the jacket on her boy Sam at the park] Let me put your jacket on.
Sam, Karen's son: No, no, no, no.
Karen: Come on.
Sam, Karen's son: I don't want to.
Carter: [Carter comes strolling up beside Karen] You taking off, Karen?
Karen: Trying to.
Carter: Need a hand?
Karen: Would you mind?
[Carter asks Karen if she knows about child development]
Carter: Do you realize how important these early years are in Sam's development?
Karen: Are you kidding? I've read all the books. And, of course, I get all the expert advice I can handle from my mother-in-law.
Carter: [Carter chuckles] I know what you mean.
[Carter talks to Karen about the importance of child development]
Karen: Don't you have any know-it-all relatives?
Carter: Oh, listen, my father wrote the book on child development. Unfortunately, it's in Norwegian!
Karen: [Carter chuckles as Karen smiles] What does he have to say on the subject? In English!
Carter: What does he not have to say?
Karen: That bad?
[Carter tries to talk to Karen about his dad's clinic in Norway]
Karen: Well, what's so visionary about your dad's clinic anyway?
Carter: Well... first of all, it's in a beautiful, natural, country setting. Amy will be supervised by a team of child psychologists... who record her progress hourly. But the thing is, you can't study child development and think anyone is going to take it seriously... if you only have one subject. It's just another case history. So, what we're setting up is a control group of gifted children. We'll need at least five. None of them older than three years old. That's why I wanted to talk to you about Sam, being one of...
Karen: Being one of your guinea pigs? Oh, Carter, you gotta be kidding!
Carter: [Carter shakes his head side-to-side with a smile on his face] No.
Karen: Nobody's gonna let their kid go to some snake pit in Norway... to be part of some development study.
Carter: [Carter looks away pulling on his tie] It's not a snake pit.
[Carter tells Karen about the importance of personality development]
Carter: Karen, do you realize that no one really knows anything about personality development. Everything up to now has been pure conjecture. All we psychiatrists do is-is chase cows after the barn door has been opened.
Carter: [Carter fake sneezes into his hand] Here, for the first time, we'll have an opportunity to observe what happens... when it happens and precisely monitor the psychological consequences.
Karen: Well, not with my kid, you don't.
Karen: You're not a bad looking bloke.
Young Gangster: Bad looking bloke? Darlin'... I'm a prince.
Karen: Would you still love me if I was poor?
John: You are poor.
Karen: You're right.
John: But you're rich in character and you have great boobs.
[After robbing his first bank.]
John: Go! Go! Go! Go! GO!
Karen: What? What? What? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GUN?
John: I told you to wait, Karen! Where the hell were you?
Karen: I was hungry - I went to get some Tofutti.
Karen: I hope you run into a big mean 300 pound faggot killer, and I hope that faggot rips off your clothes and sodomizes you in your big fat ass! And, after all that, I hope you run into some dumb son of a bitch like yourself and he has the nerve to say something about laying back and enjoying it!
[left alone in the shadows, Joan hears her alter ego's voice]
Karen: Joan... Joan... I've been fighting with you all your life... Listen, you, I've waited a long time for this. You've gotta let me live!... I won't go back in the dark. I'll live! I'll live!
Karen: Did you think you could run away? Why don't you let me take over now?
[When Joan's fiancee comes to take her home, Joan's evil alter ego has other idea's]
Karen: The scissors. Pick them up. Kill him! Lift your arm. Higher... higher... higher. Now - strike!
Karen: No one cares about reality anymore.
Karen: [dancing in a night club in a sexy outfit] You live in a little fantasy world, don't you ?
Rick: [watching her] Are you ?
Karen: Because it's so much more fun...
Rick: Enjoy yours ?
Karen: [she nods smiling] Changes every day... I can be whatever I wanna be... Don't forget that... You can be whoever you want to be...
[laughs, kisses him, smiles]
Karen: You can be an asshole. You can be a saint...
Ian: It's a false positive, you understand? It's an error. It has to be an error. It's statistically impossible. Data point.
Karen: If I drop this phone a thousand times, a million times... and one time, it does't fall... just once, it hovers in the air. That is an error that's worth looking at.
Ian: You know we could be looking forever and find nothing.
Karen: Turning over rocks and finding nothing is progress.
Ian: Subject: Salomina. S as in...
Karen: Shut the front door.
Ian: A as in...
Ian: L as in...
Karen: Love you.
Ian: O as in...
Ian: M as in...
Ian: I as in...
Karen: Ian Gray.
Ian: N as in...
Karen: No way this is true.
Ian: A as in...
Ian: I'm so looking forward to brainwashing this child with you.
Karen: You know what I was thinking? What if we turn the garage into a lab? And the baby could be our first test subject.
Kenny: Are you hitting on the waitress in front of your pregnant wife?
Karen: I don't know if you know this about me, Kenny, but the gene for jealousy? Recessive.
Karen: The man I married, I don't think he would let his own grief, even if it was overwhelming, get in the way of what could potentially be the greatest scientific discovery the world has ever seen.
Rocky Balboa: Listen Tommy, we need to talk.
Tommy Gunn: Later Rock.
Rocky Balboa: No, no. listen Tommy. It's about Duke.
Tommy Gunn: I'm 22 and 0. Where's the money? The way I was going. I wasn't going to get a shot of the title for a long time. I am signing papers with the man tomorrow
Rocky Balboa: This is what Mick told me about. About the business, the dirty part of the business. These managers, when they represent these fighters, they promise them the world, then they, they suck' em dry, leave them, leave them in the gutter, broke Tommy.
Karen: C'mon Tommy. We're running late.
Rocky Balboa: This is what I'm talkin' about? You know Tommy? Duke. Duke, he's, he's like a vampire Tommy. He's living off of your blood Tommy.
Tommy Gunn: [Agravatingly interrupting] I ain't you and you ain't Mick. When are you gonna relize that this is a buissness? In a buisness you need...
Rocky Balboa: [Interrupting] What? Brains? you say that I don't have any brains Tommy?
Tommy Gunn: No. you said that, not me. Look, Rock. You took me as far as you could, but Duke gave my title shot, you didn't. If you still want to train me do it, but if you don't, don't. But it's my or it's the highway.
Tommy Gunn: [Drives off]
Karen: Conrad. Let's have a great Christmas. Let's have... a great year. Let's have the best year of our whole lives. We can, you know... this could be the best one ever.
Margo: So many people know me. I wish I did. I wish someone would tell me about me.
Karen: You're Margo, just Margo.
Margo: And what is that, besides something spelled out in light bulbs, I mean - besides something called a temperament, which consists mostly of swooping about on a broomstick and screaming at the top of my voice? Infants behave the way I do, you know. They carry on and misbehave - they'd get drunk if they knew how - when they can't have what they want, when they feel unwanted or insecure or unloved.
Lloyd Richards: That bitter cynicism of yours is something you've acquired since you left Radcliffe!
Karen: The cynicism you refer to, I acquired the day I discovered I was different from little boys!
Karen: This beats all records for running, standing or jumping gall.
Karen: I'm sorry, Margo.
Margo: What for? It isn't as though you personally drained the gas tank yourself.
Karen: [Eve walks in, carrying the fur coat of a new arrival to Margo's party] Who'd show up at this hour? It's time people went home. Hold that coat up.
Karen: [Eve holds up a luxurious full-length fur coat, Karen lets out a whistle] Whose is it?
Eve: Some Hollywood movie star's. Her plane got in late.
Karen: Discouraging, isn't it? Women with furs like that where it never even gets cold.
[tosses the fur coat on the bed]
Karen: [narrating] Newton, they say, thought of gravity by getting hit on the head by an apple. And the man who invented the steam-engine, he was watching a teakettle. But not me. My big idea came to me just sitting on a couch. That boot in the rear to Margo. Heaven knows, she had one coming. From me, from Lloyd, from Eve, Bill, Max and so on. We'd all felt those size fives of hers often enough. But how? The answer was buzzing around me like a fly. I had it. But I let it go. Screaming and calling names is one thing, but this could mean...
Karen: [continues] Why not? "Why," I said to myself, "not?" It would all seem perfectly legitimate. And only two people in the world would know. Also, the boot would land where it would do the most good for all concerned. After all, it was no more than a harmless joke which Margo herself would be the first to enjoy. And no reason why she shouldn't be told about it... in time.
Karen: [on the phone, calling Eve to let her in on her little "joke"] Hello. Will you please call Miss Eve Harrington to the phone?
Karen: Where were we going that night, Lloyd and I? Funny, the things you remember and the things you don't.
Karen: Nothing is forever in the Theatre. Whatever it is, it's here, it flares up, burns hot and then its gone.
Karen: A part in a play. You'd do all that just for a part in a play?
Eve: I'd do much more for a part that good.
Lloyd Richards: Karen, let me tell you about Eve. She's got everything - a born actress. Sensitive, understanding, young, exciting, vibrant...
Karen: Don't run out of adjectives, dear.
Martha: There's always been something wrong. Always, just as long as I can remember. But I never knew what it was until all this happened.
Karen: Stop it Martha! Stop this crazy talk!
Martha: You're afraid of hearing it, but I'm more afraid that you.
Karen: I won't listen to you!
Martha: No! You've got to know. I've got to tell you. I can't keep it to myself any longer. I'm guilty!
Karen: You're guilty of nothing!
Martha: I've been telling myself that since the night I heard the child say it. I lie in bed night after night praying that it isn't true. But I know about it now. It's there. I don't know how, I don't know why. But I did love you! I do love you! I resented your plans to marry. Maybe because I wanted you. Maybe I've wanted you all these years. I couldn't call it by name before, but maybe it's been there since I first knew you.
Karen: But it's not the truth, not a word of it is true! We've never thought of each other that way.
Martha: No, of course you didn't. But who's to say I didn't. I'd never felt that way about anybody before you. I've never loved a man. I never knew why before, maybe it's that.
Karen: You're tired and worn out.
Martha: It's funny. It's all mixed up. There's something in you, and you don't know anything about it because you don't know it's there. And then suddenly, one night a little girl gets bored and tells a lie, and there, for the first time, you see it. Then you say to yourself, did she see it? Did she sense it?
Karen: But you know it could have been any lie. She was looking for anything to...
Martha: But why this lie? She found the lie with the ounce of truth. Don't you see? I can't stand to have you touch me! I can't stand to have you look at me! Oh, it's all my fault. I have ruined your life and I have ruined my own. I swear I didn't know it! I didn't mean it! Oh, I feel so damn sick and dirty I can't stand it anymore!
Mrs. Lily Mortar: [about Mary] Oh, what happened? Did she fall?
Karen: No, I was disciplining her.
Mrs. Lily Mortar: And you finally hit her?
Karen: [voice over] I never saw you. With a new haircut, with new shoes... When was your first period? Was someone there to help? Did anyone explain? Did you hear the rain one night when I heard it? What gave you comfort? I've missed it all, and I've accepted it. But today I met Ella. Her little face is like a bird that flies high over thirty-eight years that have gone on and on and on, like a horrible parade. But now it's passed. Only Ella remains, God bless her. Ella is peace.
Nora: I don't want to die here.
Karen: You're not going to die. You'll be fine.
Nora: You expect me to live forever?
Karen: Don't start that again.
Nora: Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. It's just one disappointment after another.
Karen: Her birthday's coming up. She'll be 37.
Karen: [in Danish] How come you didn't take that job at PBS?
Erik Rothman: [in Danish] Because I'm not interested in working there.
Karen: [in Danish] Why not? You're afraid someone will actually watch what you're making? Afraid of making money for the first time in your life?
Karen: [in Danish] In your twenties, it's charming to be up-and-coming. In your thirties, dear brother, it's pathetic.
Karen: Your bananas is rotten, and this whole dinner stinks!
Karen: Boy you guys better not start without me!
Karen: [about Stan] Is he sick?
Larry Williams: He's not sick, he's fat.
Danny: [about Brad Pitt] What does he have what I don't have?
Karen: Hair, Danny.
Kristel: We can't go back to the beauty farm from last year.
Rosie: Why not? Is it closed or something?
Kristel: Burned down.
Karen: Well, why do the put candles on the place where I want to dance?
Rosie: You must have seen a candle on the dancefloor.
Kristel: On the tables.
Karen: [to Josje] Listen: that you didn't tell us about the animal hotel is not nice. Friends tell each other everything. But don't tell Kristel about it.
Karen: [come into the Cafe with Josje, pulling suitcases] Good morning.
Kristel: No, Karen. No, no no.
Karen: Not a good morning?
Kristel: You are not going to the beautyfarm.
Karen: No, I can't. And I don't want to. That Shi-shi-Madam over there wants it.
Josje: Kitty. Kitty. Kitty.
Karen: Will you stop with that Kitty stuff? I try to relax here. You can look for your cat somewhere else.
Josje: Oh, Kitty isn't a cat. Kitty is a...
Kitty: [suddenly appears in the whirlpool where Karen relaxes in, it is a crocodile] Hi.
Josje: There it is.
Karen: [Sonny suggests she swim with sharks like he does] You're not playing with a full deck!
Sonny Stein: Look, I'm not crazy if that's what you mean.
Karen: What are you, sick? You are a sickie!
Karen: Yes, Howie?
Howie: Is Daddy coming?
Jesse: Hey, Karen.
Jesse: So, is, Howard, uh...
[she shakes her head]
Jesse: Well, it's good to see you.
Karen: You too, Jesse.
Karen: Things sure are looking different around here.
Gam: Oh yes, things have changed. Things are not exactly the way they used to be.
Bonnie: My goodness, Karen. The last time I remember seeing you was at Melanie's wedding.
Karen: Oh... That was a long time ago, wasn't it.
Bonnie: Was it? You haven't changed one bit.
Gam: Things are the way they are. They have a way of working out.
Karen: I know, Gam, but, sometimes I just don't...
[Karen notices something across the room]
Karen: Oh my god.
Gam: Are you and Howard gonna have any more? I remember when you were little, you talked about having a big ole family.
Karen: Well, I mean... You know...
Karen: When you've known someone a long time, you just want to kiss them just to see if they're a good kisser. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
Karen: The whole time I was in that house I felt something was wrong. What happened there?
Karen: There is something evil there.
Doug: [when Karen wakes up, to find Doug hunting for clothes] Sorry, did I wake you?
Karen: Bottom drawer.
Budd: Happy Halloween.
Karen: Budd, you are the biggest jerk I have ever met.
Budd: But you love me...
Karen: Yeah, and I'm an idiot.
Karen: [hesitating to give Darcy a ride home] Can't you ask Eddie Lee?
Darcy: He's in Russellville!
Karen: It's five minutes to your house, another five minutes to the hospital. Mrs. Alves is going to kill me!
Darcy: You promised.
Karen: [giving in] I know I did.
Karen: You're crazy.
Eddy: Yeah, I know. Crazy for you.
Karen: What is that thing in your hand?
Karen: What Was That?
Karen: What Are You Doing?
Jay: Opening The Door...
Karen: Waldemar, why don't we go for them in the monastery and try to destroy them?
Waldemar Daninsky: Only during the night of the Holy Moon will I have sufficient power to destroy her.
Karen: I think the only evil spirits are in the liquor cabinet.
Megan: And not for long...
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: I hope you and your bridegroom, my dead husband, will be very happy together in this medieval mausoleum.
Karen: I can understand your bitterness. If only you'd given Arnold more love and affection.
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: You gave him enough "affection" for both of us.
Karen: All he wanted was...
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: I know what he wanted. What is your going rate?
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: [gasps] Lady Dwellyn! You are mistaken. Arnold and I never, never discussed money.
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: What did he do? Just leave it on the mantel each night?
Karen: Ours was a deep and honest love. In fact, I love Arnold so much, I refuse to let even death separate us.
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: Rubbish! You won't get away with it, you know. It's quite illegal to marry a corpse.
Karen: Mr Whitehead thinks he can prove our marriage valid. He intends to establish a precedent, using the analogy of women who marry soldiers at the front by proxy; men who might already have died in battle before the wedding ceremony was performed.
Lady Jocelyn Dwellyn: The Courts will award me the entire estate. I am the rightful heir. Arnold's one and only wife. And widow. Happy honeymoon, you bitch!
Jamie: Great, Karen. Just great.
Karen: What's that supposed to mean?
Jamie: Just what we needed. Camping with the Addams Family.
Karen: [watching Parker dip cheesestick into sauce] Parker, no double dipping. That's really gross.
Parker: But I thought you like sloppy seconds, Karen!
Karen: No, that's Mark. So share your little stick with him and leave that bowl alone.
Melissa: I'll drive first. I want to get it over with.
Karen: [everyone looks at Karen] Don't look at me. I wanted to go to the beach, not some redneck mountain resort!
Mark: Karen, the beach is overrated.
Parker: Yeah, but big busty blondes in bikinis! That's no overrated.
Melissa: But old men in thongs are.
Parker: [reading article about murder] This is some pretty heavy stuff for some small town, isn't it?
Karen: We should have gone to the beach. I could be getting such a good tan right now!
Melissa: Don't look at me. The mountains were'nt my idea.
Mark: [reads article] God. She was stabbed 13 times. She wasn't murdered, she was mutilated!
Parker: [yanks article out of Mark's hands] Would you keep it down! You'll scare the girls.
Mark: [watches Karen put on makeup for her appointment] How can you want to go out when Melissa is missing?
Karen: Mark, she is a 24 year old woman! She has a phone in a town with nowhere to go! Why should I sit here when I could go out to have a little fun for myself?
Parker: So why are you putting on makeup for an appointment?
Karen: Because if things go the way I plan, I might no be coming home tonight, either.
Karen: I guess for dinner, the three of you will be having some nice, yummy, delicious servings of ass-kissing. Because guess what. I don't beg.
Felicia: This is no joke. This is not some old wives tale. This is a motherfucking cult! They start by draining the virgin's blood.
Karen: Aunt Felicia, Lily's not a virgin.
Uncle Melvin: Exactly.
Felicia: Well then a lesbian, which is good enough for the family.
Karen: Don't fucking submit that.
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