K.C. Quotes in Hollywood Homicide (2003)

Van Family Son: We're gonna die. I know we're going to die.

K.C.: Yes, actually. We, we will die.

Van Family Mom: No, you're not gonna die.

K.C.: I don't mean right now.

Hank the Bartender: [Hands them their drinks] The doctor's in. Help is on its way.

K.C.: Thanks, Hank. Something wrong, Joe?

Joe Gavilan: What do ya mean, "Something Wrong?"

K.C.: You seem down.

Joe Gavilan: Down? Me?

K.C.: Lately.

Joe Gavilan: We've been partners for what, four months, and now you wanna be my shrink?

K.C.: Sometimes it helps to talk. That's all I'm saying.

Joe Gavilan: All right. Let me paint you a picture. Portrait of Joe Gavilan. Seven, eight years ago, I sold off the results of my entrepreneurial efforts up to that point: Three tanning salons and two original silk-tip nail parlors in the Antelope Valley, and I started attending weekend Real Estate seminars at the Airport Hyatt. You know, "How to Make $1 Million in Real Estate with Very Little Money Down."

K.C.: Sounds good.

Joe Gavilan: Started out with a condo in Sherman Oaks. Slapped some paint on the walls. Refaced the kitchen cabinets. Traded up to a smoke-damaged ranch in Tarzana, then a Spanish on Outpost, and a fake Mediterranean in Los Feliz. Pretty soon, I had everything I've got tied up in this... this monstrosity... on Mt. Olympus, at the corner of Hercules and, I shit you not, Achilles.

K.C.: So what's the problem?

Joe Gavilan: The problem is if I don't score a big commission or get rid of this... piece of shit on Mt. Olympus... well, the word *Titanic* comes to mind.

[last lines]

Joe Gavilan: Looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Let's get going on some chow.

Joe Gavilan: [to Cop] Cheeseburger, well done. Onion, pickle, NO mayo... no rabbit food. O.K.?

K.C.: I'll have the same.

K.C.: How did you find me?

Joe Gavilan: I'm psychic.

K.C.: [amazed] Really?

Joe Gavilan: No, not really. I'm a detective for Pete's sake.

K.C.: I don't think I want to be a cop anymore.

Joe Gavilan: Then what do you want to be?

K.C.: I want to be an actor.

Joe Gavilan: [shrugs] You're gay. I can deal with that.

K.C.: I know you're gonna say it's none of my business, but when's the last time you got laid?

Joe Gavilan: None of your business.

K.C.: It's not about the sex.

[Joe Gavilan just looks at him]

K.C.: OK, so I got into it for the sex, but it's not about that anymore.

K.C.: Well, what do you think?

Joe Gavilan: Write this down.

[K.C. grabs his pad and pen]

Joe Gavilan: Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. Nothing else.

K.C.: Got it. Officer, it's time to get rolling on some chow. This is what the big dog wants, and I want tomato and cucumber on whole wheat with only mustard and bean sprouts.

Leon: Joe. K.C.

Joe and K.C.: Hey, Leon.

Leon: Hey. I'm making you two primaries on this disaster. Since you made no progress in the Klepto murder, I figure you're due.

K.C.: Thanks for the confidence.

Leon: Yeah, no problem.

[Joe and K.C. leave the L.A.P.D. Parker Center Station]

Joe Gavilan: What the hell is going on? Did you say anything in there?

K.C.: Of course not. You?

Joe Gavilan: My phone wouldn't stop ringing.

Leon: Joe! K.C.!

Joe Gavilan: This is insane. Can you figure this out?

Leon: [angry] No... but I played my last card buying you a couple of hours, so YOU can figure it out!

[Joe crashes K.C.'s Ford Mustang into Sartian's Cadillac Escalade, causing a huge collision at the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Orange Drive]

K.C.: [breahless] Nice driving.

Joe Gavilan: Sorry.

Van Family Son: I don't wanna die!

K.C.: You're not gonna die okay?

Joe Gavilan: Goddammit! Idiot! That's it! That's it! I'm driving! That's it!

K.C.: All right, all right fine! You think you can do better? Go ahead, be my guest!

Joe Gavilan: Dammnit! Trying to kill us!

K.C.: All right, go!

Joe Gavilan: Idiot!

K.C.: Go ahead!

[first lines]

Shooting Practice Announcer: Shooters step up to the 20 yard line.

[K.C. has trouble shooting his target during shooting practice, so Joe shoots his and K.C.'s at the same time]

K.C.: Thanks Joe.

K.C.: Seven different people spammed me the same link.

KC's Friend: What is it?

K.C.: I don't know, but I'm really hoping it's cats that look like Hitler, because I can never get enough of that.

K.C.: Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation, here.

Benjy Stone: Oh, I bet it's *real* interesting. What's the subject of this *interesting* conversation?

Alan Swann: [gazing deep into K.C's eyes] These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.

Benjy Stone: Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?

K.C.: Do you think there are funny people and not-funny people?

Benjy Stone: Yes. Definitely. On the funny side there are the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo; the Ritz Brothers, no exceptions; both Laurel *and* Hardy; and Woody Woodpecker. On the unfunny side there's anybody who has ever played the accordion professionally.

K.C.: I mean, what do you want from me?

Benjy Stone: Sex!

K.C.: Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Benjy Stone: Sanctuary my ass!

[Follows K.C. into the Ladies room]

Benjy Stone: Doesn't Sy's office take on a whole different feeling at night?

K.C.: Yeah, it gets worse.

K.C.: If there's anything you need, I can take care of it for you.

Swann: Anything?

K.C.: Within reason.

Swann: Well, let's begin with some tea and see where that leads us.

K.C.: [Kiss] I guess this is the kissing portion of the evening.

[Kiss]

[first lines]

K.C.: A friend of mine became a big-shot Hollywood director. He put himself in his own movies. Big mistake. My oldest friend, Jack, teaching acting in the valley to people in refrigerator boxes. He said the idea came to him when he was locked in a public bathroom for a night. Me, I own a laundromat. My best friend has four legs and cataracts. I'd gone out to Los Angeles to change the world. And then we got hit smack in the face by something we hadn't seen coming. Fame.

K.C.: Behind the Hollywood sign it's written that all the heart in tinsel town could fit in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room for three caraway seeds.

K.C.: With Jack's heart as a GPS, we were lost.

K.C.: Jack was a human mood ring, and I think he was about to turn purple.

K.C.: I knew movies were like religion to the France, and to them, Jerry Lewis was a god.

K.C.: Eskimos have 500 words for snow. The French have 500 kinds of cheese. And all I have is 500 kinds of questions.

K.C.: The hickey-girl ate her friend's apple martini vomit and thought it was my cum. I felt terrible. This girl thought I came in only two minutes.

[last lines]

K.C.: Just a quiet little town in the country, we'll open a small business, meet a couple of nice guys... DOUBLE bullshit!

Jo: You know, K.C., it's like that movie we saw in prison, um, ooh, what was it? A whole bunch of people getting killed! And, and this crazy guy running around with a chainsaw... Uh, something, something "Massacre", that's it!

K.C.: What about it?

Jo: We just lived it!