Junior Quotes in Smokey and the Bandit (1977)

Sheriff Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.

Buford T. Justice: The god damn Germans got nothin' to do with it.

Junior: What did he say?

Buford T. Justice: SHUT UP! ONE SHIT AT A TIME!

Junior: All right.

Junior: My hat blew off, daddy.

Buford T. Justice: I hope your goddamn head was in it.

Buford T. Justice: [shouting at a trucker that has sheered a door off of Justice's patrol car] I saw that, you sombitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!

Buford T. Justice: [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.

Junior: But Daddy...

Buford T. Justice: Put the *evidence* in the *car*!

[shouting to trucker again]

Buford T. Justice: I'm gonna barbeque yo' ass in molasses!

Junior: [waiting for the "funeral procession] Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?

Buford T. Justice: If they'd a cremated the sum-bitch. I could be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.

Buford T. Justice: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.

Junior: Except for that...

Buford T. Justice: Shut your ass.

[last lines]

Junior: [running after Sheriff Justice's car] Daddy! Wait! Who's gonna hold your hat?

Junior: Daddy, the top came off!

Buford T. Justice: No shit!

Buford T. Justice: [shouting out of a restaurant to Junior waiting in the car] You want something?

Junior: Hushpuppies, Daddy!

Buford T. Justice: We got no time for that crap!

[mutters under his breath]

Buford T. Justice: Dumb sumbitch...

Buford T. Justice: Apprehend that horse ass for reckless driving!

Junior: But Daddy...

Buford T. Justice: Do what I tell you! You pile of monkey nuts!

Junior: Daddy, the top came off.

Buford T. Justice: No shit.

Junior: All right, all right, and yes-sirree! A clean hit! A perfect hit! And no pain for the target. Too bad the guy was only thirty-eight; just two years older, he'd have been worth three times the points.

Junior: [swearing] Chrysler!

Junior: Frankenstein scores! Frankenstein scores at last! But what kind of a score, boys and girls? Just 80 points out a possible big 700. What do you think, Gracie?

Grace Pander: Well, those doctors - dear friends of mine - have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn.

Harold: Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one-hundred-percent, red-blooded American sense of humor, heh heh.

Junior: Frankenstein! Frankenstein the legend, Frankenstein the indestructible! Sole survivor of the titanic pile-up of '95, only two-time winner of the Transcontinental Road Race... Frankenstein! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed... a dancer on the brink of death... Frankenstein, who lost a leg in '98, an arm in '99! With half a face and half a chest, and all the guts in the world, he's back!

Junior: Here he comes: Machine Gun Joe! Loved by thousands, hated by millions!

Junior: Well America, there you have it, Frankenstein has just been attacked by the French Air Force and he's whipped their derrieres!

Junior: Joe doesn't look too happy, but you just can't keep those Frankenstein fans down.

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Lousy sons of bitches! Frankenstein...

Myra: Give it to 'em, Joe!

[She hands Joe a Thompson submachine gun]

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Frankenstein! You want Frankenstein? I'll give you Frankenstein!

[Joe opens fire into the stands]

Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Aarrgh!

[Opening; The United Provinces version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" is played at the fictional New York Memorial Raceway]

[first lines]

Deacon: O, great American multitude and sports fans everywhere, today we inaugurate the 20th Annual Trans-Continental Road Race. Today, the five bravest young men and women in this greatest of nations will risk their lives in the greatest sporting event since the day the Sparticus! Three days hence, a new American champion will be crowned for all the world to behold, in awe, in respect, in fear!

Junior: All right, all right! This is Junior Bruce, your buddy-buddy and mine. And I'll be giving you the blow-by-blow, play-by-play when the kings and queens of the open road roar onto the track!

Junior: Do I hear the sounds of engines? It's Calamity Jane Kelly, queen of the road, at the wheel of that mean, ornery stud bull!

[Fans of Calamity Jane cheering]

Junior: Zany Janey, winner of this year's trials at Watkins Glen, placed second in 1998 and led in last year's second lap until she went out with gear trouble.

[Jane and her navigator Pete waves to the fans whilst Junior Bruce walks toward them]

Junior: Her fans and lovers everywhere wish Janey better luck this year.

Calamity Jane: My fans can wish me all the luck they want. My luck with my lovers get any better, I'll miss the race completely. Isn't that right, Pete?

Junior: Daddy, look at that big ugly alligator

Buford T. Justice: That reminds me; I gotta call yo' mama tonight.

Junior: You know, Daddy, I like this place. All the 'gators and snakes and stuff. Why don't we move down here?

Buford T. Justice: Why don't YOU move down here?

Junior: Oh no, Daddy, I ain't NEVER leavin' home, that's a promise.

Buford T. Justice: Don't you ever, EVER threaten yo' daddy like that again!

Buford T. Justice: Junior! Why didn't you have your gun loaded?

Junior: When I put bullets in it, Daddy, it gets too heavy.

Junior: Daddy, I got to pee-pee.

Buford T. Justice: Swallow it. I'm busy!

Junior: You know, Daddy, I don't think the Bandit's really bad. I think the trouble is he just got in with real bad company.

Buford T. Justice: Bad company? Let me tell ya somethin', Junior. When you raid a cathouse, you take the piano player too.

Buford T. Justice: [Sheriff Justice's car got hit by Cledus' truck] Are you alright, Junior?

Junior: Yeah.

Buford T. Justice: You would be, you shit!

[Trey picks up Junior's knife after he lost it during a short fight with Ford]

Trey: 'Sup J? Drop somethin'?

Junior: Just takin' care of sum bizness T.

Trey: [turns to Ford] Ford...heard you wuz up in Indochina eatin' sushi 'n shit.

Junior: I thought sushi came from Japan?

Trey: I know where sushi come from, *nigga*! I ain't even talkin' to you!

Junior: You got loud pipes, but you ain't sayin' nothing!

O2: What are you doing man?

Junior: What?

O2: Never put your hands on a gun.

Junior: Government mans don't direct funds no more.So we gotta take it for ourself. Gotta be on dis ting,cos if you ain't - if you ain't one of us - then you're a victim.

Junior: Boom!

Junior: Pow!

Eli: Why don't we let the Bear at 'em, Junior?

Junior: Nah, Bear's done his work for the night, these two... they ran away from the bear.

[Soldier and Kid struggle]

Eli: What do you mean?

Junior: A few days...

[grabs Soldier's bonds]

Junior: and those bags'll sweat the water right outta their bodies! They'll die of thirst... then we'll cut 'em down, take them outta the bags... and drag them deep into the woods. They'll look like they ran away from the bear... got lost, and couldn't find no water. We'll leave a mark on them. It's BETTER than they deserve!

[Junior has put on a fake bear suit]

Junior: Your dream man's here, and he's come to change your life

Dick Tracy: That was a pretty good tackle you made there, son.

Junior: Aw, gee, that was nothing. But, say, you sure can use a gun! You're Dick Tracy, aren't you?

Dick Tracy: Yes.

Junior: I'm just an orphan. Some day I'm gonna be a G-Man, too!

Dick Tracy: Well, now's a good time to start. Come along.

Orphange matron [Ch. 1]: Have you seen anything of Junior? Oh, there you are! Why aren't you get on the bus with the others? Everyone was terribly worried, you bad boy!

Junior: Well, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Dick Tracy: I'd like to keep this little rascal with me for a while, Miss. You see, he can identify one of the men that got away, and his life won't be safe until this matter is cleared up.

Junior: Orphan Tulip?

Tulip: Tulip is just fine, Orphan hurts my heart!

[Junior, Tulip and Diamond get across a bridge and cut it so that the Wolf Pack can't get across]

Junior: Suck it, wolves!

Alpha Wolf: Wolf Pack, form of wolf bridge!

[the wolves start climbing on each other]

Junior: What is happening?

Tulip: The wolves are forming a suspension bridge.

Junior: How is that possible?

Tulip: I don't know.

[Junior smacks into a glass pathway]

Junior: My old nemesis: glass!

Tulip: [shocked] Birds can't see glass!

Tulip: Look at the baby!

Junior: NO! Just a brief exposure to baby cuteness can ruin your life!

[both look at the baby]

Tulip, Junior: Awwww!

Hunter: Junior, you know why I built my office entirely out of glass even though birds can't see glass?

Junior: I do not.

[birds fly smack into the glass]

Hunter: Power move!

Junior: Put down that baby!

Penguin: Shhh!

[points out the baby is asleep, a silent fight starts]

Junior: We're not like a family, we're just a guy and girl trying to raise a baby.

Hunter: Do you know why we stopped delivering babies?

Junior: Because there are other ways of making babies?

[last lines]

[Tulip meets her family with the help of the Storks]

Junior: Come on, fellows. we have finally delivered Tulip.

[starts to walk off]

Tulip: Junior, where are you going? Come on. We're having a group photo.

Junior: No. I don't want to.

Tulip: Oh, come on.

[pulls him close for a family photo]

Tulip: I know you love it.

Junior: Storks don't deliver babies anymore! If anyone finds out about this, I am dead meat!

[first lines]

Junior: Storks, since the beginning of time we have been tasked with delivering babies to people. No matter how hard or painful or boring it got, we would never stop delivering babies. Thank goodness we don't have to do that anymore!

Hunter: Look at that sunrise! How can you not look at it!

Junior: If I go blind, it's worth it!

Hunter: You idiot, how could you think this was an address?

Junior: I thought it was a gentrified neighborhood...

[after delivering the baby]

Junior: [upset] Is it always like this?

Jasper: What can I say? I'm always sad!

Junior: Oh, great! Now I'm surrounded by wolves! What're you gonna do, knock me unconscious?

[a wolf knocks him out]

Junior: Perfect!

[blacks out]

Veasey: Oh God of my God! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Junior: What's up?

Veasey: The Israelites! The tribes of Israel are about to flee from the banks of Egypt! Hallelujah!

Inman: He's got a shit coming on. It's overdue.

Mowgli: Hello. What are you doing?

Junior: Shh. Drillin'.

Mowgli: Can I do it, too?

Junior: Sure, just do what I do. But don't talk in ranks. It's against regulations.

Colonel Hathi: [as Bagheera tries to appeal to him about searching for Mowgli] Sorry, Bagheera, fortunes of war and all that sort of thing, you know.

Winifred: [walking up to Hathi] This has gone far enough! Far enough!

[stands in Hathi's way]

Winifred: Now just a minute, you pompous old windbag!

Colonel Hathi: Winifred, what are you doing out of ranks?

Winifred: Never mind! How would you like to have our boy lost and alone in the jungle?

Colonel Hathi: Our son?

[close to a mumble]

Colonel Hathi: Alone?

[out loud]

Colonel Hathi: But Winifred, old girl, that's an entirely different matter!

Winifred: Hmph!

Colonel Hathi: [proudly] Different entirely.

Winifred: That little boy is no different than our own son. Now you help find him or I'm taking over command!

Colonel Hathi: What? A female leading my herd? Utterly preposterous!

Junior: Pop, the man cub and I are friends. He'll get hurt if we don't find him. Please, Pop, sir, please?

Colonel Hathi: [softening up a tinge] Now don't you worry, son. Your father had a plan in mind all the time.

Winifred: [smirks smugly]

[sarcastically]

Winifred: Sure, you did.

Junior: [upon seeing a snake on a tree branch] Oh shit, a porcupine!

Junior: I smoked some weed the other night, and I think this shit was laced, because I went out right away and got these tattoos on my eyelids to make it look while I was sleeping that people would think I was awake.

Junior: Have you guys ever tried to poop and brush your teeth at the same time? It's kind of hard.

Junior: [to Dick] You ever let your dog lick your name?

Junior: [to Dick] Does your name ever shrink because you go in cold waters?

Junior: What did he learn?

Pa Grape: The question is, "What did YOU learn?"

Junior: Syncopators. Does that mean you play that very fast music... jazz?

Sugar: Yeah. Real Hot.

Junior: I guess some like it hot. I personally prefer classical music.

Sugar: Been waiting long?

Junior: [gallantly] It's not how long you wait, it's who you're waiting for!

Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?

Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.

Junior: Look, if all you're interested in is whether I am married or not...

Sugar: Oh, I'm not interested at all.

Junior: Well, I'm not.

Sugar: That's very interesting!

Junior: [Kissing] I think you're on the right track.

Sugar: I must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up.

[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar]

Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl.

Daphne: I'm a what?

Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr?

Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brazier!

Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.

Sugar: [admiring a large fish trophy] What is it?

Junior: It's a member of the herring family.

Sugar: A herring? Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?

Junior: They shrink when they're marinated.

Sugar: [on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns] Which is the port and which is the starboard?

Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.

Junior: [while on the Venice Beach basketball courts] Your mother's so poor I saw her kicking cans and I asked her what she was doing she said "moving"

George: Your mother's so old she used to drive chariots to high school

Junior: Your mother's so fat when she fell over, broke her leg and gravy poured out

George: I told your mother to act her age and the bitch dropped dead

Sidney Deane: [insulting Billy] Doesn't this guy look like one of those motherfuckers from The Brady Bunch?

Junior: Yeah! He looks like Cindy!

[sings, insulting Billy]

Junior: The youngest one in curls...

Junior: [while on the Venice Beach basketball courts, expecting Sydney is going to win a bet against Billy ] We goin' Sizzler, we goin' Sizzler...

Sidney Deane: [while on the Venice Beach basketball courts] Loan me a twenty

Junior: Come on Sid, do I look like Bank of America?

Sidney Deane: You think I'm going to lose this money to this white boy?

Junior: You better not lose my money to this white boy he's a visitor we're the home team baby

Sidney Deane: This here is a black thing, so give me twenty dollars so I can run this shit

Junior: We're going to at Sizzlers?

Sidney Deane: Damn right

Junior: Hey, Martin! Let's go see the bearded lady.

Martin: No, I've seen too many of them in prison.

Junior: I'm sorry Mr. Healy, please don't spank me.

Little Ben Healy: Well I'll have to punish you somehow. I'm taking back you're allowance.

Junior: The whole buck?

Little Ben Healy: Yes go get it.

Junior: [going through stolen money, thinking to himself] I wonder if he's got change for a twenty?

Junior: Oh so you wanna play rough huh?

[imitating Mr. Peabody]

Junior: Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I'm talking about.

[after he broke several milk bottles]

Junior: I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory.

Junior: [being hauled to St. Brutus after bulldozing his parents house] I was just kidding! Oh no! Not the nuns! Not the nuns!

Junior: Why does this guy love me? Why does any parent love any kid? Maybe it's one of those answers we'll never know, like how high is up? Why is the sky blue? And whatever happened to Mrs. Healy?

Martin Beck: I drove over a thousand miles, to hang out with a seven year old.

Junior: I'm going to be eight in two weeks.

Martin Beck: Don't count on it.

Little Ben Healy: This is nature, huh? The trees. The forests.

Junior: [noticing a row of porta potties] The toilets.

Junior: I hope you guys are insured.

Junior: Hahahahahaha!

Mr. Peabody: What's so funny?

Junior: You are you stupid dick!

Mother Superior: You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible.

Junior: I'm what? Why don't you speak English lady?

[Junior is scrubbing pots and pans on his birthday]

Mother Superior: Junior! What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.

Junior: I only got two hands!

Mother Superior: And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them.

Junior: [Grabs a messy lid] This one kind of looks like you.

Junior: [seeing his bedroom full of clowns] Oh my God, they're retarded.

Junior: You ever seen a grown man wear so much blue?

Junior: [luring a bear to the campsite] I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun! There's singing, marshmallows, and all sorts of stupid humans to scare!

Junior: [voiceover, on a stormy night a woman is carrying a basket] Nice night to be born. Apparently my birth is not considered a blessed event; that's me in the basket, and that's my mother carrying me.

[Junior's Mother puts him on a doorstep, rings the bell and disappears]

Junior: And that's my mother running away.

Junior: [in Roy's station wagon chasing the Bow Tie killer, pulls out a rifle] Neat, look what I found!

Little Ben Healy: Hey that's Roy's, give me that.

Junior: Why? You can't drive and shoot at the same time!

Little Ben Healy: What do we do?

Junior: I've got an idea!

[cut to Junior driving and Ben aiming out the sunroof]

Junior: Shoot out his tires, Dad!

Junior: Some people never learn.

Mr. Peabody: What's so funny?

Junior: You are you stupid jerk.

Junior: Oh my Gosh they''re daffy.

Junior: [TV Version] I told him to back off, Mr. Healy!

Junior: In the immortal words of my cousin, Rudy Rambo III, from the East Side...

Mixed Mike: Hey, Rudy Rambo was a pimp!

Junior: Man, pimps got advice, too. Look, stop discriminating on the black man. In the immortal words of my cousin, Rudy Rambo III, from the East Side, there's three types of people in this world: people who make things happen, people who watch things happen, and people who get Pimp Slapped for not having Rudy Rambo's money on time.

Junior: [continuing in playing the dozens] Your mouth looks like an explosion in a tin foil factory.

Tori: Oh yeah? Well at least I'm getting my teeth corrected. Look at yours. You need to stop chewing on those yellow crayons and start scrubbing with some Colgate yuck mouth.

[she slaps X five from behind his back while Boo, Mixed Mike, and Naps are laughing hysterically]

Junior: [stammering] That's not even fair. You can't say yuck mouth. And anyway, I'm allergic to toothpaste.

Tori: Sweetness, you so fine!

Junior: Yes, you are!

Boo: Junior!

Junior: Shh! I'm talking to Tootsie!

Junior: Naps? I know you ain't crying.

Naps: [trying to hide his crying] No, I just have an eye condition.

Junior: The only condition you need is for that hair!

Junior: Daddy, my face is all white.

Buford T. Justice: Well, put a little lipstick on, I'll drop you off at a gay bar.

Junior: Does this mean I won't be your little tick turd anymore?

Buford T. Justice: Son, you'll always be my tick turd.

Buford T. Justice: That is why you gotta have a sixth sense.

Junior: I'd rather have a dime.

Ben Healy: Junior, you remember Ms. Klaukinski.

Junior: How could I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.

Trixie: You're gonna wish you'd never been born.

Junior: Ooh! I'm really scared. I'm being threatened by the Tidy Bowl girl!

[Junior is about to draw a mustache on a photo of Annie]

Trixie: I wouldn't do that if I were you!

Junior: If I were you I wouldn't do alot of things, like go out in public.

Junior: [thinking in his head] The bitch... must die!

Mr. Thorn: [Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely] Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?

[Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]

Mr. Thorn: Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!

[Junior sits down at his desk]

Mr. Thorn: Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?

Polly: 136.

[Bows rather smart and sits back down]

Mr. Thorn: Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?

Richard: -8, sir.

[sits back down]

Mr. Thorn: Fine. Murph!

[cut to Murph picking his nose]

Mr. Thorn: Murph! What's 3 plus 2?

Murph: Mmmmm... 4.

[Everyone laughs]

Mr. Thorn: [sighs] Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?

Murph: 9?

[Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]

Mr. Thorn: I can see this is going to be a long year.

Junior: [angrily] 5, all right? The answer is 5!

Mr. Thorn: You!

[walks over to Junior's desk]

Mr. Thorn: What're you saying?

Junior: Uh, I said 5.

Mr. Thorn: Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.

Trixie: I think your dad likes my mom. Usually when a guy does that, I hit him with a car and I knock him down the stairs, I've gotta look out for her. But your dad, he doesn't bug me so much.

Junior: And you know something? Your mom doesn't bug me so much.

Murph: You don't know who you're talking to. I'm a senior student at this school.

Junior: No shit, you've been here since 1970.

Junior: Ahh, finally I get some room in here.

'Big' Ben Healy: You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.

Junior: Ah, shut your trap.

'Big' Ben Healy: You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.

Junior: [thinking in his head] This babysitter sucks!

Voytek: [picks up phone] Hello?

Junior: Are you the guy that married Debbie Claukinski?

Voytek: [sobbing] Yes. She took my house, my money and my pride.

Junior: Well, I thought you'd like to know, she found herself a new guy, and their out at the St. Pierre club, having fun at your expense.

Voytek: Who is this?

Junior: Just call me... a friend.

[from the TV version]

Junior: I'd rather jump off a cliff.

Trixie: Junior, I'm sorry I squirted you with the fire hose.

Junior: That's okay, I'm sorry I made you barf on the Crazy Dance.

Trixie: What'd you want me to come over so late for?

Junior: I had this crazy idea. I think our parents should get married!

Trixie: What are you talking about? Your dad is taken!

Junior: Well you know what, he may have a sudden change in plans.

Junior: [thinking] I know I told dad *I* wouldn't hurt Lawanda, but I never said the dog couldn't.

Junior: But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.

Mr. Peabody: Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.

Ben Healy: Junior, now you get out of this car! You are going to school.

Junior: No way I'd rather eat a turd!

[seeing his made-over bedroom]

Junior: Clowns! I hate clowns! This woman is busting my balls!

[from the TV version]

Junior: Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots!

Ben Healy: Junior, we are new here in this community. Can't we, at least, attempt to fit in?

Junior: What're you getting angry at me for? I didn't do it. I just watched it.

Ben Healy: Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.

Junior: I didn't hear any complaints.

Junior: Clowns. I hate clowns! This woman has got to be destroyed!

Junior: She's like a cockroach what turned into a butterfly!

Joy Boy: [rounding up Darcey's goons] Alright we'll tie them up and lock them in the bathroom and when he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick ya up!

Junior: [pushing the goons] Move!

Dave the Dude: Oh Wait a minute, lock them in the closet, Joy Boy. The maid just waxed the bathroom floor!

Dave the Dude: Hey Joy Boy, how is your Spanish?

Joy Boy: As good as my French and they both stink!

Dave the Dude: Hey Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena?

Junior: Spanish Lena was a Hungarian...

Dave the Dude: Where am I gonna find her a husband, huh? In Macy's basement?

Junior: They don't sell them there, boss.

Queenie Martin: [Queenie walks with her make-up artists] Alright, gang, here is your challenge. Com'on Annie, stand up and meet your makers.

[Annie stands up]

Queenie Martin: Now this got to be a complete overhaul, kids, from top to bottom.

Joy Boy: Don't forget a new set of kidneys...

Queenie Martin: Com'on Annie, lets go.

[leading Annie to the bedroom]

Queenie Martin: Com'on wizards, let's wiz!

Junior: [Junior shaking his head] My old lady always say you cannot make a pig's ear out of an old sow.

Pierre: Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre! Hum!

Junior: [Sitting at a chess board, picks up a piece] Hey, boss! This guy's got checkers with men on 'em.

Junior: Did you know New York was an island?

Junior: Who do ya think's buried in Grant's tomb?

Earl: Junior, you are so dumb.

Junior: I'm not dumb. YOU'RE dumb.

Jimbo: Lord, Junior, what happened to your face?

Junior: Uh... I fell?

Jimbo: Off a building?

Junior: No.

[thinks about it]

Junior: Yeah!

Junior: This cell phone's better than my pinkie finger any day.

Earl: If it wasn't for Baby I'd have drowned you in that river.

Junior: Well, for your information EARL I can swim!

Junior: I lied.

Jimbo: No kidding.

Billy-Bob/Ellie May: Well,

[Ellie May grabs his fishing pole and starts leaving]

Billy-Bob/Ellie May: gotta go.

Jed Clemson: Well where you going

Billy-Bob/Ellie May: I'm going fishing!

Junior: Got worms?

Billy-Bob/Ellie May: Yeah but I'm going anyway.

Junior: But W.W. he saw everything. He saw us, he saw the costumes, he saw everything.

W.W. Bright: [Leroy has accused W.W. of being a Communist] I served in Korea. dammit!

Junior: That's right, Leroy. You know who he was fightin' in Korea?

Leroy: Who?

Junior: Chinamen. Communist Chinamen.

Col. Ron: If they hadn't shot my dick off in 'Nam, I'd whip it out and piss in your face!

Junior: Yea, if you're dick wasn't shot off in man i'd shove it up you're ass

Junior: What am I going to do with your old glasses? These are subscription, man.

Snake: Who are you?

Junior: You know me, I'm Junior.

Snake: Junior? Who's your father?

Junior: Junior.

Snake: Junior Senior?

Junior: Yah.

Snake: And you're are Junior Junior?

Junior: That's right.

Snake: You fuckin' PA's kill me

Junior: hey man my family's fromt he dominican republic

Junior: How do we get into that room?

[Burnham laughs]

Junior: Hey! What is funny about this? Is this shit funny to you?

Burnham: Well, I spent the last 12 years of my life building these rooms specifically to keep out people like us.

Junior: It's all so ironic and amusing, okay? Now, how do we get in?

Junior: [looking through the medicine cabinet] How do you live in New York and not have a single percocet?

Junior: Any other schoolyard bullshit you wanna settle, or can we get the fuck back to work?

Raoul: Don't you take no tone with me, jerkwad, 'cause I'll shove it up your ass and snap it off.

Junior: You know what? You're a bus driver, *Raoul*! You live in Flatbush! So don't start spouting some Elmore Leonard bullshit you just heard because I saw that movie too.

Junior: [after swallowing a bunch of pills] All she's got is Nyquill and fucking Midol!

Junior: She's coming down to you!

Burnham: Hey, I told you, I don't hurt people.

Raoul: Say that shit about the money again, babycakes.

Junior: When? B-b-b-before?

Raoul: Yeah. B-b-b-b-b-b-before.

Junior: Listen, goddamn it! I'm in charge here! Now what the hell is goin' on?

[Junior watches Raoul and Burnham hooking up the propane tank to the air duct]

Junior: Oh, this is good. This could work. I was just thinking we should do something like this!

Junior: [shouts] Worst that's gonna happen is... is they'll pass out. They'll have a hang over.

Burnham: How are we gonna get in there if they pass out, Junior?

Junior: [pauses] Cut it back a little.

Junior: What the fuck is this? They're not supposed to be here!

Junior: [as they are arguing over siphoning propane into the Panic Room] Shut the fuck up. There are people trying to sleep over there.

[indicating neighbors]

Junior: [Junior is burned by flaming propaine gas and very mad] You fucking bitch! You fucking bitch! I'm coming in *there*!

Raoul: Calm the fuck down.

[last lines]

Junior: [with a knife in his skull] What did you do?

Junior: Good day, riff-raff.

Bunny: Hey Junior, you never smoked any shit?

Junior: That's right, dude. See, y'all been trying to keep the black man down, and string him out on that shit. But the time be's comin, my man, when the black man? Throw that yoke off. Simple - free your mind, your ass will follow.

Bunny: Yeah, I can dig it, man. You smoke that shit, everything kind of gets weird, you know what I mean? You hear that story about the gooks putting chemicals in the grass, so we don't fight? So we become pacifists?

Junior: Hey, but don't you worry, Bunny, 'cause you's a killer anyway, man.

Bunny: Yeah, but I still like a piece of pussy once in a while. Ain't nothing like a piece of pussy, except maybe the Indy 500.

Junior: Only way you get some pussy, man, is if a bitch dies and wills it to you, and then, maybe.

Sgt. Barnes: Martin, get your boots on. And the next time I catch you spraying skeeter repellent on your fucking feet, I'm gonna court-martial your nigger ass.

Junior: Well, then court-martial me, motherfucker! Bust my ass. Send me to fucking Long Binh! You do your fucking worst! You white folks have got your last klick out of Junior!

Sgt. Barnes: O'Neill, get me that centipede.

Sgt. O'Neill: Sergeant?

Sgt. Barnes: Yeah, that long, hairy, red and black bastard I found in the ammo crate. I'm gonna put it in this boy's crotch, see if he can walk.

Sgt. O'Neill: I remember now.

Bunny: [Merle Haggard's "Okie from Muskogee" is playing on the radio] That's a bad jam, man.

Junior: Redneck noise, dude, that's all it is. Make about as much sense as you do. All them chumps be talkin' about how they losin' they ho, and ain't got no bread for beer. Fuck that honky shit.

Bunny: You know, Junior, some of the things we done, man... I don't feel like we done something wrong. But sometimes, man, I get this bad feeling. I told the Padre the truth, man. I like it here. You get to do what you want. Nobody fucks with you. The only worry you got is dying. And if that happens, you won't know about it anyway. So what the fuck, man.

Junior: Shit, I got to be in this hole with you, man? I just know I shouldn't have come.

Tex: Man, it's gonna piss on us all night. Gonna put a serious case of crotch rot on that ugly face of yours, Junior.

Junior: Goddamn, man. You break your ass for the white man. No justice, right?

Junior: [whispered] You stupid goddamn robot.

Junior: Help- help me!

[pause]

Junior: I'm in a weird situation.

Junior: Thank dead god.

Junior: My name's Junior, maybe you heard of me. Or my dad, he's the head of the whole Galactic League.

Krayonder: Oh, I heard of your dad!

Junior: Yeah, I'm his son.

Up: Let me see the boo-boo.

Junior: What, am I- Commander Up, am I going to be the same after this?

Junior: You're like, um... a toaster. You're a toaster.

Mega-Girl: Say that to me again.

Junior: You're a toaster.

Mega-Girl: [Slaps Junior] You disgust me!

Junior: Bug is a bug? I don't believe it!

Sheriff Tucker: Morning, Ethel. My, don't you look lovely today.

Ethel: Horse shit! Now, Sheriff, you better hear me, and hear me good. I want this looney bin closed down. You hearin' me fella? Now these kids ain't nothing but trouble. They don't respect other's property, and they're all crazy!

Junior: You tell 'em Ma! Ha hah.

Sheriff Tucker: Ethel, these kids weren't doing...

Ethel: Doing? Doing? You think I don't know what those two perverts were doing in my yard?

Junior: Say it like you mean it, Ma!

Ethel: Would you shut the fuck up?

[the kids laugh for a minute]

Ethel: Now, I'm gonna tell all of ya, you mark my words, the next little bastard that comes near my farm, I'm gonn' blow your fuckin' brains out, you hear me?

[Tucker approaches]

Ethel: Don't you come near me, Sheriff, I'm warnin' ya! I got a bomb on me. I swear to ya. You make one move toward me I'm gonna blow us all up. Start the engines, Junior!

[gets on motorbike]

Ethel: That's it. My final words.

[gives them the finger as they drive off]

Ethel: That is one fucking ugly man that goes there.

Junior: That's one fucking ugly man, Mama.

Ethel: Would you shut your trap? You ain't so pretty yourself, you know.

Junior: I ain't so pretty myself, I know.

Ethel: [to chicken] I'm gonna chop you into itty, bitty little pieces, my friend. Just like they done to that piggo over at that fuckin' crazy farm. Eeeeyah!

[decapitates chicken]

Junior: Eeeeyah!

[imitates Ethel using spoon]

Junior: Ha ha ha ha.

Ethel: You big dildo. Eat your fucking slop! Ain't I make the best goddamned stew in the whole wide world?

Junior: Best goddamned stew in the whole wide world, Mama.