Judge Stevens Quotes in Liar Liar (1997)

Fletcher: [while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]

Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?

Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!

Judge Stevens: And why is that, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: It's devastating to my case!

Judge Stevens: Overruled.

Fletcher: Good call!

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's liscense?

[shows paper]

Samantha: That's right.

Fletcher: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember perhaps Mr. Faulk will.

Samantha: Brunette.

Fletcher: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...

Samantha: I'm a brunette!

Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.

Dana: Your honor, I object.

Fletcher: You would!

Dana: Bastard!

Fletcher: Hag!

Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight?

Samantha: 118.

[Fletcher gives her a look]

Samantha: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.

Fletcher: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!

Samantha: No.

Fletcher: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.

Dana: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?

Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.

Samantha: 1965.

Fletcher: Now let get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to DO THAT?

Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.

Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.

[to Dana]

Fletcher: Including...?

Dana: [sighs] Prenuptual agreements.

Fletcher: Prenuptual agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been riden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?

Dana: Fine, thank you.

Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

[Shocked pause]

Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

Judge Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Dana: He's badgering the witness!

Judge Stevens: It's his witness!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!

Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!

[the court erupts]

Judge Stevens: Order! Order! ORDER!

Fletcher: [to crowd] Knock it off!

Judge Stevens: SIT DOWN!

Fletcher: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I *object*, Your Honor, and I move to strike!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, do we have a settlement?

Fletcher: Noooo!

Judge Stevens: I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?

Dana: Yes.

Fletcher: Yes.

Samantha: No! I'm contesting custody.

Fletcher: What?

Samantha: If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.

Fletcher: You just won 11 million dollars!

Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?

Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!

[Samantha and children enter]

Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!

Fletcher: [singing to the tune of Mighty Mouse] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!

Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!

Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!