Judge Smails Quotes in Caddyshack (1980)


Judge Smails Quotes:

  • Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

    Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

  • Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato salad...

    [gets cut off by Judge Smails]

    Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!

  • [Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]

    Al Czervik: Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?

    [Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]

    Al Czervik: ...let's go while we're young!

    Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.

    Al Czervik: ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!

    Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

    [the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]

    Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!

    Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!

  • Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.

    Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.

    Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.

    Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?

    Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.

  • Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

    Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how much he's had already.

    Judge Smails: Wrong, you're drinking too much your Excellency.

    Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.

    Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.

    Bishop: There is no God...

  • Judge Smails: Well? We're waiting!

  • Judge Smails: [to Bishop Fred Pickering] Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?

    Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.

  • Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

  • Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.

    Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.

    Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.

  • Judge Smails: You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!

    Al Czervik: A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!

  • Judge Smails: Don't you people have homes?

  • Judge Smails: It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.

    [chuckles several times]

    Judge Smails: Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.

  • [Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]

    Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? ln private?

    Ty Webb: Sure thing, Judge.

    Judge Smails: Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?

    [Smails and Ty start to laugh]

    Ty Webb: Let's make it $40,000.

    Al Czervik: Hey, great!

    Ty Webb: [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

  • Spalding Smails: Turds.

    Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?

    Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.

    Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.

    Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.

    Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.

    Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.

    Spalding Smails: Double turds.

    Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!

  • Judge Smails: Ohhh, Porterhouse!

    Smoke Porterhouse: Yes SIR! Yes sir, Judge. Yes sir.

    Judge Smails: Look at the wax build up on those shoes. This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now. Chop chop.

    Smoke Porterhouse: You got it. Got 'em, Judge.

  • Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?

  • Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?

    Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.

    Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

    Ty Webb: By height.

  • Judge Smails: McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?

    Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they're tunneling in from that construction site over yonder.

    Judge Smails: Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it'll make their head spin.

  • Judge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.

    [pauses a beat]

    Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?

  • [Danny walks inside Judge Smails' office, where Smails is seated around, and has a seat, awaiting his disciplinary action for his involvement with Lacey]

    Danny Noonan: Judge Smails, sir?

    Judge Smails: [not realizing Danny's already seated] Sit down, Danny.

    [turns around in his chair, slightly hitting his desk; Both Danny and Smails tries to see their faces]

    Judge Smails: Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I'll... do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday...

    [angrily shoves the lamp to the side, but calms down]

    Judge Smails: Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain... zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.

    Danny Noonan: I swear, I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.

    Judge Smails: [relief sigh] Good. Good, good.

    [stands up]

    Judge Smails: You know, despite what happened, I-I'm still convinced you have many fine qualities and I... I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.

    [pats Danny on his shoulder]

    Judge Smails: Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?

    Danny Noonan: I know I make some bad mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I wanna be good.

    Judge Smails: Good. Good, very good. You know, I... I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?

    Danny Noonan: [shakes Smails' hand] Yes, sir. I'm your pal.

    Judge Smails: [chuckles] How 'bout a Fresca?

  • Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?

    Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.

    Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.

    Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.

    [Swings club, slices ball into woods]

    Judge Smails: *Damn*.

    Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.

    Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

  • Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.

    Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!

    Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!

    Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...

    Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!

    Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.

    Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.

  • Judge Smails: Yes. Yes. Winter rules.

  • Judge Smails: Spalding get your foot off the boat!

  • Judge Smails: Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?

  • Judge Smails: Don't you people have jobs?

Browse more character quotes from Caddyshack (1980)