Judge Chamberlain Haller Quotes in My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Vinny Gambini: It is possible that the two yutes...

Judge Chamberlain Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?

Vinny Gambini: Uh... what word?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Two what?

Vinny Gambini: What?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh... did you say 'yutes'?

Vinny Gambini: Yeah, two yutes.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: What is a yute?

Vinny Gambini: [beat] Oh, excuse me, your honor...

[exaggerated]

Vinny Gambini: Two YOUTHS.

Vinny Gambini: [opening statements] Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Objection. Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement... with the exception of "thank you"... will be stricken from the record.

Vinny Gambini: Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants were you wearing your glasses?

Constance Riley: Yes, I was.

Vinny Gambini: Would you mind putting your glasses on for us, please?

[Stumbles a bit from Mrs. Riley's glasses]

Vinny Gambini: Whoa. How long you been wearing glasses?

Constance Riley: Since I was 6.

Vinny Gambini: Have they always been that thick.

Constance Riley: No. They've gotten thicker over the years.

Vinny Gambini: So, as your eyes become more and more out of whack, as you've gotten older, how many levels of thickness have you gone through?

Constance Riley: I don't know, over 60 years, maybe 10 times.

Vinny Gambini: Maybe you're ready for a thicker set.

Constance Riley: Oh no. I think they're okay.

Vinny Gambini: You sure? Let's check it out.

[Grabs a tape measure from his deak and brings it over to Mrs. Riley]

Vinny Gambini: How far away were the defendants when when you saw them enterin' the Sac-o-Suds?

Constance Riley: About 100 feet.

Vinny Gambini: A hundred feet.

[Hands Mrs. Riley the end of the tape measure]

Vinny Gambini: Would you mind holding this, please?

[Goes to the courtroom door]

Vinny Gambini: All right, this is 50 feet, that's half the distance.

[Holds up 2 fingers on his right hand]

Vinny Gambini: How many fingers am I holding up?

[Mrs. Riley is squinting, trying to see the fingers]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Let the record know that the counsler is holding up 2 fingers.

Vinny Gambini: [Annoyed] Hey, your honor please, huh?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Oh, sorry.

Vinny Gambini: Now. Mrs. Riley, and only Mrs. Riley.

[Judge Chamerlain gives Vinny an ugly look, Vinny hols up 2 fingers on his right hand again]

Vinny Gambini: How many fingers am I holding up now?

Constance Riley: [Squinting, trying to see the fingers] 4.

Vinny Gambini: [Coming back to Mrs. Riley] What do you think now dear?

Constance Riley: Thinkin' of gettin' thicker glasses.

Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?

[she folds her arms and turns her back on him]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Would you please answer the counselor's question?

Mona Lisa Vito: No, I hate him.

Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?

Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Now, uh, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?

Mona Lisa Vito: It's a bullshit question.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Mona Lisa Vito: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!

Mona Lisa Vito: Nobody could answer that question!

D.A. Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a "expert witness"!

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Can you answer the question?

Mona Lisa Vito: No, it is a trick question!

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Why is it a trick question?

Vinny Gambini: [to Bill] Watch this.

Mona Lisa Vito: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '62. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Well... um... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Vinny Gambini: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.

[there is a short pause as Judge Haller appears caught off-guard by Vinny's sudden compentence with knowledge of the law]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini?

Vinny Gambini: Yes, sir?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: That is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.

Vinny Gambini: Thank you, Your Honor.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: [firm tone] Overruled.

Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?

Mona Lisa Vito: [Lisa examines the picture]

Vinny Gambini: Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense's case hold water?

Mona Lisa Vito: No! The defense is wrong!

Vinny Gambini: Are you sure?

Mona Lisa Vito: I'm positive.

Vinny Gambini: How could you be so sure?

Mona Lisa Vito: Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a 1964 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

D.A. Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: [to Lisa] This is your opinion, or is it a fact?

Mona Lisa Vito: It's a fact!

Vinny Gambini: I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!

Mona Lisa Vito: Would you like me to explain?

Vinny Gambini: I would *love* to hear this!

Judge Chamberlain Haller: So would I!

Vinny Gambini: [about his secondhand suit, which has an 18th-century look and is red] I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket, which I know you hate, or this. So, I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Are you on drugs?

Vinny Gambini: No. I don't do drugs.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.

Vinny Gambini: So what else is new?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.

Vinny Gambini: [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?

Vinny Gambini: Huh? What did I say?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, the next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. I don't want to hear any facts or evidence. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat to speak. Now, how do your clients plead?

Vinny Gambini: [intimidated, but the words go right past him] I think I get the point.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: No, I don't think you do. Now you're officially in contempt of court! Would you like to say something else and go for two counts of contempt of court?

Vinny Gambini: Not guilty?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Thank you. Not guilty plea has been entered for the record. Probable cause hearing will begin tomorrow at noon. Bail for both defendants will be set at $200,000. Oh and bailiff, take Mr. Gambini into custody with them... and set his bail at $200 for one count of contempt of court.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?

Vinny Gambini: [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Don't talk to me sitting in that chair!

Vinny Gambini: But he...

[points to bailiff]

Vinny Gambini: told me to sit here.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.

Vinny Gambini: My clients...

Judge Chamberlain Haller: What are you wearing?

Vinny Gambini: Huh?

Judge Chamberlain Haller: What are you wearing?

Vinny Gambini: [wearing a black leather jacket] Um... I'm wearing clothes.

[the Judge angrily stares ominously at Vinny]

Vinny Gambini: I... I don't get the question.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court!

Vinny Gambini: I apologise, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Fine. I'll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?

Vinny Gambini: [not comprehending] Uh... yes. Fine, Judge, fine.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: How do your clients plead?

Vinny Gambini: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Huh? What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?

Vinny Gambini: No. I'm just trying to explain...

Judge Chamberlain Haller: [cutting him off] I don't want to hear explanations. I don't know how you practice law in New York, but the state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny Gambini: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini?

[Motions for him to approach the bench; Vinny complies]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.

Vinny Gambini: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything wrong.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Once again, the communication process has broken down between us. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

Vinny Gambini: Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?

George Wilbur: Very impressive.

Vinny Gambini: She's cute too, huh?

George Wilbur: Yes, very.

[laughter in the courtroom]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini...

Vinny Gambini: Sorry, Your Honor.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: I tell you this, because I want you to know that, when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.

Vinny Gambini: You should.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.

Vinny Gambini: I shouldn't. I don't expect to get special treatment, your honor.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Good. You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.

[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Now, I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.

[drops the book before Vinny]

Judge Chamberlain Haller: You willing to accept those terms?

Vinny Gambini: Sure. No problem.

[quickly leafs through the book]

Vinny Gambini: Just this? Ha ha.