Judge Quotes in Fast & Furious (2009)

[last lines]

Judge: I've listened to the testimony, and taken into special consideration Agent O'Connor's appeal for clemency on behalf of Mr. Toretto... that his actions directly resulted in the apprehension of known drug trafficker, Arturo Braga. However... this judiciary finds that one right does not make up for a lifetime worth of wrongs. And as such, I find that I am forced to level the maximum sentence under California law. Dominic Toretto... you are hereby sentenced to serve 25 years to life at the Lompoc prison system... without the possibility of early parole. This court stands adjourned.

[first lines]

Judge: Dominic Toretto. You are hereby sentenced to server 25 years to life at the Lompoc Maximum Security Prison system, without the possibility of early parole.

Judge: Judge Dredd, we have to reconstitute the Council. We'd like you to consider first position as Chief Justice.

Judge Dredd: I'm a Street Judge. And I'm very late for work.

[he walks off]

Judge: Mr. Kane, you are one of the worst lawyers I've ever known.

Norman Kane: Well, then I move for a mistrial.

[first lines]

Bailif: The Queens Borough Court is now in session.

Judge: Jonus Maldonado, Lucas Ryan, A.D. Valvern. You're charged with criminal possession of narcotics. How do your defendants plead?

Lawyer: Due to mitigating circumstances, not guilty, your Honor. The defendants have no priors. We request bail.

Judge: Bail denied.

[gavel bang]

Ring Announcer: We apologize for the delay. But there has been a change. Lightning Lou Lescano has withdrawn from the fight. Fighting in his place, from Thailand, the fighter name is Tong Po, ladies and gentlemen. Tong Po!

Judge: Aw, Christ!

[Goes to Maciah]

Judge: What the hell is going on here, Maciah? That fighter isn't licensed in this state.

[Sanga's Goon grabs the judge]

Judge: Hey, let me go! Get your hands off me!

Justin Maciah: [Goes to Brian's corner] Brian! Hey, you don't have to fight him.

Brian Wagner: It's no problem. I'll kill him.

Xian Chow: [to David] Your friend is in great danger.

Judge: [in slow motion]

[David grabs the judge]

Judge: Hey! Get away from me!

David Sloan: [slow motion] Stop the fight!

Judge: Ryan Harrison, a jury of your peers have found you guilty of murder. On August 12th at Stillwater Federal Prison you shall have your sentence carried out. You shall be executed buffet style: lethally injected, electrocuted, and placed before a firing squad. May God have mercy on your soul, you bastard you.

Andre Stander: I'm tried for robbing banks. But, I have killed unarmed people.

Judge: That is not the business of the court.

Keno: You want to know my name before you hang me?

Judge: Not particularly. Just your last words.

Keno: I demand a recount.

Judge: Stealin' a man's horse in this country is worse than stealin' a man's wife. There's been too much of that goin' on recently and I'm going to put a stop to it.

Keno: Horse stealing or wife stealing?

Judge: Anybody in favor of hanging this man, say "Aye."

Crowd: Aye!

Judge: Against?

Chris Adams: Nooo.

Judge: And who says, "No"?

Chris Adams: Me.

Judge: Just who are you to say, "No"?

Chris Adams: Who do you have to be to say "No" to a rigged court - stretchin' the neck of this poor slob?

Judge: You've 10 days to solve this and then you will be whipped. And for every extra day, there's one extra stoke.

Judge: You are sentenced to two years hard labor - teaching high school.

Judge: It is the prerogative of this court to find you guilty of engaging in sexual activity that robs the resolution of its right to personal value. Generating no income for the common cause, which is the autonomy of the individual. Gross impedance of human potential for progress, a blow against a thriving economy, an inconsiderate perverse insistence of one's own selflessness. You are sentencing to two years hard labor - teaching high school. Next.

Judge: You are banished from earth... forever.

Grange: Fuck you.

Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary is a word which here means a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea. The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they helped build together, but in their hearts they knew that the troubling world lay just outside. A world, which I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.

Judge: Custody granted.

Count Olaf: [as Mr. Poe and those attending the play get out of their seats and converge on him] Now, now! Let's keep our heads here! If you do anything to me, you'll just sink to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

[Count Olaf gasps as he is then handcuffed by the Detective]

Judge: Guilty!

Lemony Snicket: [narrating as the scene cuts back to Count Olaf as the crowd closes in on him] I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention and before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children.

Count Olaf: [upon throwing the anchor on the broken part of the house] Yes.

[the broken part of the house falls into the lake. Then cuts to Count Olaf in a boat trying to fend off the Lachrymose Leeches]

Count Olaf: Get out.

[Some Lachrymose Leeches get onto him]

Count Olaf: Oh no!

[Cuts to a train coming towards Count Olaf who is trapped in the car on the grading as he screams]

Lemony Snicket: [narrating as Klaus and Sunny look towards Violet on the stage] The Baudelaires have triumphed. A word hear means unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire Fire.

[cuts to the Baudelaires leaving Count Olaf's house]

Lemony Snicket: If only justice were as kind. Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence. As for the Baudelaires, what laid ahead of them was unclear. But one thing they knew as they climbed once again into the back of Mr. Poe's car, they were moving on.

[Raoul is imagining himself in court]

Lucy: Those two men in the dock they gave me the LSD and they took me to the hotel. I don't know what they done to me, but I remember it was horrible.

[Duke Groans]

Judge: They gave you what?

Lucy: L.S.D.

Judge: Castration! Double castration!

Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.

Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!

Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!

Ted: Fine!

[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]

John: He's not my property. He's a person. He's way more of a person than lots of other people. I mean, fuckin' Steven Tyler? What the fuck is that, some kinda weird soccer mom looking Goonie monster?

Shep Wild: Your Honor!

Judge: I'll allow it.

Judge: I could send you to jail and not lose one bit of sleep over it.

Judge: There is a vacancy at Camp Green Lake.

Judge: The choice is yours: Camp Green Lake or Jail.

Stanley: Uh... well, um... I've never been to camp before.

Judge: Eighteen months - Camp Green Lake, son.

[bangs gavel]

Judge: Mr. Peabody, you are a Nobel Prize-winning scientist. An advisor to heads of state. A captain of industry. Why would you want to adopt a boy?

Mr. Peabody: Because, your honor, when I found Sherman, it reminded me of how I started out in life. And now, I want to give him the one thing I always wanted. A home.

Judge: And you're sure you're capable of meeting *all* the challenges of raising a human boy?

Mr. Peabody: With all due respect, how hard could it be?

[from trailer]

Judge: If a boy can adopt a dog, I see no reason why a dog cannot adopt a boy.

Judge: Cruella DeVil...

Cruella de Vil: Do call me Ella; Cruella sounds so... cruel.

Judge: [Judgementally] Now, on the matter of motive, we ask you: Why did you conceive, plan and execute this dastardly and scandalous crime?

Edward Pierce: I wanted the money.

[the court spectators roar with laughter]

J.C. Strapp: I call Josie Ellison to the stand.

Judge: Would you like to sit on the chair down there?

Josie Ellison: No, I'd rather sit there, thank you.

Charles E. Quayle: There is absolutely no hope that either side could prove, to the satisfaction of the court, that the pony in the police pound is Bo, belonging to Miss Ellison, or Taff, belonging to Scott Pirie.

Judge: In heaven's name, Mr. Quayle, what are you asking the court to decide?

Charles E. Quayle: Nothing.

Judge: The witness may testify in his own words.

Cyril Proudbottom: [in court] Right-o, guv'nor; now, I'll give you the facts of the case. For when Toady escaped from his boudoir, he'd come headin' straight for my place. Soon we was off down the 'ighway but hadn't gone far, I confess, when all of a sudden with a rush and a roar, something passed like the London Express. It was big, it was red, it was beautiful: a motorcar! Hee, a bit of alright; Toady was transfixed with, uh, rapture. You could tell it was love at first sight. The motor pulled up to a tavern wherein was located a bar and we watched while some tough-looking weasels got out of that lovely red car. Now weasels, I know, are deceitful and not to be trusted at all... but how I could know they'd stolen that car? I didn't have no crystal ball. And the guv'nor, he's not one to dally, he'd made up his mind like a flash, he says "try it for size, my good Cyril, while I see what they'll take for it, cash!" So into the tavern he saunters, where the barman was back at the bar. And he said, "Cheerio, tavern-keeper! Who's the owner of that, uh, hot-looking car?" The barman, a codger named, uh, Winky, leaned over the bar and said "Why?" The guv'nor answered "That car must be mine! Whatever the price is, I'll buy!" But Toad found he hadn't no money... so he promptly offered a trade; the weasels appeared to be willin', in a moment, the bargain was made. Then Toady drawed up a paper with almost incredible speed and he called on ol' Winky to, uh, pop over and witness the deed. Now the guv'nor's not a bit stingy, he never does anything small: the weasels gave him the red motorcar, heh, and he gave the weasels... Toad Hall!

Prosecutor: There is only one question that any military court need ask of the accused: do you deny disobeying Col. Sangston's direct orders?

Judge: Well, do you, Private?

Desmond Doss: No, sir, I don't.

Judge: Why are you contesting it, then? Why is it so important to you, given your refusal to even touch a weapon to serve in a combat unit?

Desmond Doss: Because when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, I took it personal. Everyone I knew was on fire to join up, including me. There were two men in my hometown declared 4-F unfit, they killed themselves cause they couldn't serve. Why, I had a job in a defense plant and I could've taken a deferment, but that ain't right. It isn't right that other men should fight and die, that I would just be sitting at home safe. I need to serve. I got the energy and the passion to serve as a medic, right in the middle with the other guys. No less danger, just... while everybody else is taking life, I'm going to be saving it. With the world so set on tearing itself apart, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to me to wanna put a little bit of it back together.

Judge: Private Doss, you are free to run into the hellfire of battle without a single weapon to protect yourself.

Judge: George Jung, you stand accused of possession of six hundred and sixty pounds of marijuana with intent to distribute. How do you plead?

George: Your honor, I'd like to say a few words to the court if I may.

Judge: Well, you're gonna have to stop slouching and stand up to address this court, sir.

George: [stands] Alright. Well, in all honesty, I don't feel that what I've done is a crime. And I think it's illogical and irresponsible for you to sentence me to prison. Because, when you think about it, what did I really do? I crossed an imaginary line with a bunch of plants. I mean, you say I'm an outlaw, you say I'm a thief, but where's the Christmas dinner for the people on relief? Huh? You say you're looking for someone who's never weak but always strong, to gather flowers constantly whether you are right or wrong, someone to open each and every door, but it ain't me, babe, huh? No, no, no, it ain't me, babe. It ain't me you're looking for, babe. You follow?

Judge: Yeah... Gosh, you know, your concepts are really interesting, Mister Jung.

George: Thank you.

Judge: Unfortunately for you, the line you crossed was real and the plants you brought with you were illegal, so your bail is twenty thousand dollars.

Frank Abagnale, Jr.: [as Frank Conners] Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is irrefutable evidence that the defendant is, in fact, lying.

Judge: Mr. Conners, this is a preliminary hearing. There is no... defendant. There is no... jury. It's just me. Son... what in the HELL is wrong with you?

[the arraignment of the burglars begins]

Judge: Your names, please, and state your professions.

Barker: Bernard Barker, anti-communist.

Judge: Anti-communist? That, sir, is not your average profession.

McCord: James McCord, security consultant.

Judge: With?

McCord: Government, uh, recently, uh, retired.

Judge: Where in the government?

McCord: [quietly] Central Intelligence Agency.

Judge: Does the defendant wish to make a statement before judgement is passed?

Gordon Northcott: I want to make it real clear that I never once got a fair shake from you, Your Honor, or from this court. The only one in here worth a good goddamn is her.

[points to Christine Collins]

Gordon Northcott: 'Cause she's the only one who never badmouthed me to the press. She's the only one who understands what it is to be framed by the police for something you didn't do.

Judge: All right, that's enough.

Gordon Northcott: And then to just be thrown in the hole to just rot and to fester and to be forgotten and fade away, isn't that right?

[runs over to Christine]

Judge: Counsel!

Gordon Northcott: I never killed your boy, Mrs. Collins.

Judge: Counsel, that's enough!

Gordon Northcott: I would never do that! I would never hurt Walter!

Judge: Counsel, get control of your client or I'll have him bound and gagged!

Gordon Northcott: He's an angel!

[to his lawyer]

Gordon Northcott: Get off of me!

Judge: Gordon Stewart Northcott, you've been charged with three counts of murder in the first degree with an additional seventeen counts under review by the district attorney's office. How do you plea?

Gordon Northcott: Oh, not guilty, Your Honor.

Judge: That's not testifying, that's filibustering.

Judge: I want you to be very sure about this. This means you're gonna walk out of here with absolutely nothing.

Tina Turner: Except my name. I'll give up all that other stuff, but only if I get to keep my name. I've worked too hard for it, your honor.

Ike Turner, Sr.: The name is mine. The name got my daddy's blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!

Judge: [after Drummond asks the judge for permission to withdraw form the case] Colonel Drummond, what reasons can you possibly have?

Henry Drummond: [Indicates the crowd] Well, there are two hundred of them.

[Crowd reacts angrily]

Henry Drummond: And if that's not enough there's one more. I think my client has already been found guilty.

Matthew Harrison Brady: [Rises] Is Mr. Drummond saying that this expression of an honest emotion will in any way influence the court's impartial administration of the law?

Henry Drummond: I say that you cannot administer a wicked law impartially. You can only destroy, you can only punish. And I warn you, that a wicked law, like cholera, destroys every one it touches. Its upholders as well as its defiers.

Judge: Colonel Drummond...

Henry Drummond: Can't you understand? That if you take a law like evolution and you make it a crime to teach it in the public schools, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the private schools? And tomorrow you may make it a crime to read about it. And soon you may ban books and newspapers. And then you may turn Catholic against Protestant, and Protestant against Protestant, and try to foist your own religion upon the mind of man. If you can do one, you can do the other. Because fanaticism and ignorance is forever busy, and needs feeding. And soon, your Honor, with banners flying and with drums beating we'll be marching backward, BACKWARD, through the glorious ages of that Sixteenth Century when bigots burned the man who dared bring enlightenment and intelligence to the human mind!

Judge: I hope counsel does not mean to imply that this court is bigoted.

Henry Drummond: Well, your honor has the right to hope.

Judge: I have the right to do more than that.

Henry Drummond: You have the power to do more than that.

[the Judge holds Drummond in contempt of court]

Alan Dershowitz: Our new evidence will clearly indicate...

Judge: Professor, you know there isn't a single case which allows you to introduce new evidence on appeal.

Alan Dershowitz: Well, there is one, your honor, and you wrote it. Derrick. In Derrick, in Derrick, you yourself said that a case based on circumstantial theory rather than fact only stands up if no other theory makes sense. The only way to show a better theory is to present it!

Judge: Why do you people call yourselves black? You look more brown than black.

Steve Biko: Why do you call yourselves white? You look more pink than white.

Judge: [reading Barbara's sentence after the trial] The defendant is remanded to the custody of the sheriff of Los Angeles County, to be delivered by him to the California Institution for Women at Corona. It is the judgment and sentence of this court that Barbara Graham suffer the extreme penalty, to wit, the death penalty, and that said penalty be inflicted within the walls of the state penitentiary at San Quentin, California, in a manner and means prescribed by law, to wit, the administration of lethal gas until said defendant is dead.

Sal Satori: [opening the picture book at the relevant page] Your Honor, I would like you to compare Venus De Milo the world's most perfectly formed woman, and here you have her, not in cold marble but in flesh and blood and in humility. 'Course we must make allowances for the arms...

[to Jeanne]

Sal Satori: don't be afraid, go closer, see the judge is a student of the arts, he would like to make a comparison.

[to the Judge]

Sal Satori: Would you say she is any less beautiful? Would you? Would you?

Judge: Case dismissed!

Dr. Paul Ehrlich: I want no legal advice. This is a question of truth. I'm only trying to help the court understand the real nature of these deaths.

Judge: Dr. Ehrlich, I'm afraid your observations are irrelevant to this issue.

Dr. Paul Ehrlich: [In perplexed astonishment] Irrelevant?... Irrelevant?

Billy Flynn: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Your Honor, I haven't even asked a question yet.

Judge: [at the auction] This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez... Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.

[Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]

Judge: I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars.

Gomez: Five - , hah! Not good enough. Twenty thousand!

Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?

Judge: I have twenty.

Gomez: Twenty-five!

[to Morticia]

Gomez: Cara mia?

Judge: Twenty-five.

Morticia: Thirty.

[to Gomez]

Morticia: Mon sauvage.

Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!

[to Morticia]

Gomez: Eres divina.

Morticia: Mm, fifty!

Judge: I have fifty thousand dollars.

Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.

Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.

[looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene]

Judge: [after a golf ball is hit through his window] Damn you, Addams!

Gomez: Sorry about the window, Judge. Keep the ball, I have a whole bucket full.

Judge: You moron!

Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?

Judge: Can't it wait?

Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!

Judge: Is that true?

Fletcher: It has to be!

Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.

Bailiff: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!

Judge: Who did this?

Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.

Judge: What did he look like?

Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.

Fletcher: You had sex with her everytime you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!

Dana: He's badgering the witness!

Judge: It's his witness.

Fletcher: You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]

Kenneth Falk: Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?

[awkward silence]

Fletcher: No further questions.

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!

Judge: Why?

Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge: Overruled.

Fletcher: Good call!

Mary McGarricle: [after the Judge levies sentence against Miss McGarricle] Take care of our baby, Donny!

Young Donny: Miss McGarricle, I'll never stop loving you!

Judge: That is just fucking mental.

Royal: [to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?

[cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge]

Judge: And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?

Royal: Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...

Royal's Lawyer: Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?

Chas: Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.

[Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear]

Chas: He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.

[Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably]

Royal: [back in present day, to Chas] You think you could start forgiving me?

Chas: Why should I?

Royal: Because you're hurting me.

Judge: When a man's jawbone drops off it's time to reassess the situation.

Judge: [after having sex with a mummy] I like it when they lie still like that.

[about to have sex with a mummy]

Judge: There's a reason they call me the "hanging judge".

Judge: Give it up, Frank! Death ain't no way to make a living!

Stuart, Bannister's Ghostly Assistant: Come on. You're out of your mind. You're talking about a mythical figure. A pseudo-religious icon from the 12th century.

Judge: Save your pea brain prattle for the classroom,boy. That was the soul collector and he's been taking people out since time began. He's been going about some dark business here in Fairwater and we ain't nothing but worm bait. When your number's up, that's it.

Judge: And who might you be, my dear?

Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson... Bloom.

Judge: You're HIS wife?

Ulla: He wouldn't do it unless we got married!

Judge: What a schmuck!

Judge: [to Angie while she's yelling and standing to prove a point] Excuse me Miss, but would you *please* sit down!

Angie Ostrowiski: No! Freedom of speech, it's in the thing!

Judge: Emma, Victoria, Melvin C., Melvin B., Geri. You've been charged with releasing a single that is by no means as kicking as your previous records. Nor does it have such a dirty phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 179 and having it fall completely out the following week.

[bangs the gavel]

Judge: Call Hootie and the Blowfish!

Judge: [UK Version] Call Gary Barlow.

Hornung: Mr. Grunwald, in addition to your occupation as a spoon, is it not true that you are a driving instructor?

Grunwald: No.

Hornung: Then it is true.

Grunwald: Yes.

Hornung: That you're not a driving instructor?

Grunwald: No.

Hornung: Your Honor, I object to this line of questioning.

Judge: Overruled.

Hornung: Very well, then; I'd like some time to go over my briefs.

Judge: Please.

Hornung: [inspects his underwear] They're fine.

Beverly Sutphin: So you admit you just lied?

Dottie Hinkle: No I don't, you bitch!

Judge: Watch your mouth Mrs. Hinkle.

[Beverly whispers "fuck you" to Dottie]

Dottie Hinkle: Did you see that? She just said "Fuck you" to me!

Beverly: Let the records show I'm merely standing here!

Dottie Hinkle: Fuck you too, you whore!

Judge: Sell the house!

Max Fairbanks: Up yours, you fat pig!

Edwina: Why is it that every time Kevin's in trouble, we drop our things, but when I want help, you act like you're through a tunnel and can't hear me?

Windham: Maybe because I *like* Kevin!

Judge: Next!

Ozone: OZONE! Street dancer.

Judge: There's been great fear expressed by many people that no woman can give this large number of children sufficient attention and affection to allow them to grow up in a healthy atmosphere. But in this courts investigation of your home, the reverse seems to be true. All the children seem to be happy, well-fed and normal the house amazingly clean and in good order. My wife has two children, one poodle and a full-time maid and can't seem to manage anything. What is your secret?

Helen North: Well sir, a great deal of love, a little discipline and a husband who doesn't criticize

[repeated lines]

Judge: Sustained!

Judge: That girl is COLORED!

Thelma Cleland: Honey, nobody 'colored' me! I was born this way!

Judge: It seems to me, young man, that your profound stupidity is matched only by your good fortune.

Judge: You mean to tell me that A. P. Kirby's bein' held in the drunk tank? Well, well, well.

Judge: Mr. Vanderfhoff, you're a very lucky man to have so many friends.

Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.

Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?

Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."

Fielding Mellish: Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.

Judge: You're out of order!

Fielding Mellish: I move for a mistrial! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on that jury?

Judge: Yes there is.

Fielding Mellish: Oh, really, which one? Is it the big guy at the end?

Skip Collins: Dearest Judge...

Judge: Excuse me?

Skip Collins: My client...

[whispering]

Skip Collins: name?

Lace: Oh, um, Lace.

Skip Collins: Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member...

Judge: Are you an attorney?

Skip Collins: [smiles] Touche, your highness.

Judge: Bailiff! Throw this jackass out of my courtroom!

Mr. Mifflin: He's not only that! He's also a pervert! He touches himself in the mens room!

Peggy Schuyler: And he cheated on me Daddy! He had sex with a dead woman in your office!

Burton Schuyler: You're fired Cobb!

[bailiff throws Roger onto the floor in hallway]

Chicken Run Queen: [attempting a Medieval dialect but speaking in a clear country accent] My prince, you have won me!

[kisses a shaken Whilloughby]

Chicken Run Queen: Take me to yer kingdom!

Judge: [speaks to Whilloughby in an Italian accent] You win da bread, mac. T'ree dollahs.

The Prosecutor: Never, never in the history of jurisprudence have such terrifying deeds been brought to light. Gentlemen of the jury, you have before you a cruel and cynical monster. Look at him!

[all heads turn to face Verdoux, who turns around himself to look behind]

The Prosecutor: Observe him, gentlemen. This man, who has brains, if he had decent instincts, could have made an honest living. And yet, he preferred to rob and murder unsuspecting women. In fact, he made a business of it. I do not ask for vengeance, but for the protection of society. For this mass killer, I demand the extreme penalty: that he be put to death on the guillotine. The State rests its case.

Judge: Monsieur Verdoux, you have been found guilty. Have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?

Henri Verdoux: Oui, monsieur, I have. However remiss the prosecutor has been in complimenting me, he at least admits that I have brains. Thank you, Monsieur, I have. And for thirty-five years I used them honestly. After that, nobody wanted them. So I was forced to go into business for myself. As for being a mass killer, does not the world encourage it? Is it not building weapons of destruction for the sole purpose of mass killing? Has it not blown unsuspecting women and little children to pieces? And done it very scientifically? As a mass killer, I am an amateur by comparison. However, I do not wish to lose my temper, because very shortly, I shall lose my head. Nevertheless, upon leaving this spark of earthly existence, I have this to say: I shall see you all... very soon... very soon.

Judge: What's your name?

Rosette Henrietta LaRue: Rosette Henrietta LaRue! Occupation: hipswinging!

[the court erupts in laughter]

Judge: Now, Miss LaRue, just what constitutes a striptease?

Rosette Henrietta LaRue: A good constitution and a couple of zippers.

[the court erupts in laughter again]

Judge: Don't be ambiguous.

Rosette Henrietta LaRue: Oh, I won't if you won't.

[Smiles and sticks out her tougue. More courtroom laughter]

Judge: What in the HELL were you doing out there?

Voss: Nothing, Sir!

Judge: Creating a utopia for gamers... that right?

[the Unicorn City nerds exchange nervous glances]

Judge: I'll bet you could have a lot of fun in a place like that. I bet you could get a lot of families to show up... maybe some at-risk youth to help set thing up?... I'm giving you all 800 hours of community service, to build your 'Unicorn City' as a municipal park. And it'd BETTER be good.

[the judge beckons the nerds closer to the stand, whispering:]

Judge: I'll drop it to 700 hours if I can be King.

Voss: [whispering back] Yes, your majesty.

Bernie Friedman: [at custody hearing] Well Judge, you can pass the buck up and down and back and forth, but when it gets to Bernie the butcher it don't go not further.

Judge: Is that what they call you? Bernie the butcher? Why?

Bernie Friedman: 37 years in the meat packing business, what're they gonna call me, Bernie the baker?

Johnny Francis 'Spit' Spitieri: Oh, I gotta get home. Who's paying for my bus fare today?

Richard Dent QC: You don't need to worry about that now, witness.

Johnny Francis 'Spit' Spitieri: Well excuse me, I am worried about it! I'm on medication, you know? Gotta pick up me methadone before five, otherwise I don't get nothing 'til the morning. 'Scuse me, your honor, do you know who's paying for my bus fare today?

Judge: Mr. Dent, has the witness been afforded appropriate expenses?

Richard Dent QC: Sir, I'm informed those instructing me will arrange a check in payment of Mr. Spitieri's witness expenses directly.

Johnny Francis 'Spit' Spitieri: A check? Well, what am I gonna do with a check, your honor? I don't want a fucking check. Me bus driver's not going to take a check. I need me bus money, otherwise how am I supposed to get home?

Judge: Yes, alright Mr. Spitieri. Mr. Dent, I wonder whether, in the circumstances, some appropriate arrangements couldn't be made?

Richard Dent QC: To avoid further delays, I'll get Mr. Toole to fix that up now.

[Mr. Toole pulls a bill from his wallet and gives it to Mr. Dent who gives it to Spit]

Johnny Francis 'Spit' Spitieri: Oh, that's only $20. Me bus doesn't come 'til four, I'm gonna need some lunch.

Judge: I think perhaps, in the circumstances, the witness is entitled to be reimbursed for his luncheon expenses, Mr. Dent.

Richard Dent QC: I'll get Mr. Toole to give him another $20 to cover his luncheon expenses.

[Mr. Toole looks in his wallet, but it's empty. He shrugs at Mr. Dent, who sighs and pulls a bill from his own wallet and gives it to Spit]

Johnny Francis 'Spit' Spitieri: Thank you.

[He sits down and folds his hands, looking smug]

Stanley Gusciora: Your Honor, I can't do no 20 years.

Judge: Well do as much as you can, son.

[bangs gavel]

Judge: Are you trying to show *contempt* for this court?

Flower Belle: No... I'm doin' my best to *hide* it!

Sean Stein: Your honor, is this justice?

Judge: You're asking the wrong guy.

[Presenting a dog to the courtroom]

Prosecuting Attorney: Exhibit 2, please. Now, generals of the jury, I will prove with this exhibit...

Defense Attorney: Your honor, I object! I object to having this witness called an exhibit!

Prosecuting Attorney: She IS an exhibit!

Defense Attorney: He's a witness!

Prosecuting Attorney: She is not!

Defense Attorney: He is!

Judge: Objection sustained. From now on, the prosecution will refer to Exhibit #2 as Witness #1.

Judge: It's a confounded nuisance, but it's the law.

[first lines]

Man in corridor: You did a wonderful job, wonderful job!

Judge: To continue, you've listened to a long and complex case, murder in the first degree. Premeditated murder is the most serious charge tried in our criminal courts. You've listened to the testimony, you've had the law read to you and interpreted as it applies in this case, it's now your duty to sit down and try to separate the facts from the fancy. One man is dead, another man's life is at stake, if there's a reasonable doubt in your minds as to the guilt of the accused, uh a reasonable doubt, then you must bring me a verdict of "Not Guilty". If, however, there's no reasonable doubt, then you must, in good conscience, find the accused "Guilty". However you decide, your verdict must be unanimous. In the event that you find the accused "Guilty", the bench will not entertain a recommendation for mercy. The death sentence is mandatory in this case. You're faced with a grave responsibility, thank you, gentlemen.

Judge: [after Ness has discovered Capone bribed the jury to acquit him] Bailiff, I want you to go next door to Judge Hawton's court, where they've just begun hearing a divorce action. I want you to bring that jury in here, and take this jury to his court. Bailiff, are those instructions clear?

Bailiff: [puzzled] Yes, sir, they're... clear...

Capone: [to his attorney] What's he talking about? What is it?

Judge: Bailiff, I want you to switch the juries.

Bailiff: Yes sir.

Defense Attorney: Your honor, I object!

Judge: Overruled.

Judge: [last lines, about to pronounce sentence] In the name of the people...

Grieving Mother: This won't bring back our children. One needs to... keep closer watch... over our children. ALL OF YOU!

Judge: Mr. Racine, the next time you come into my courtroom I hope you've got either a better defense, or a better class of client.

Janet Mackensie: Perhaps you can help me, your Lordship. Six months, I have applied for my hearing aid and I am still waiting for it.

Judge: My dear madame. Considering the rubbish that is being talked nowadays, you are missing very little.

Judge: Monsieur le maire, I know you to be a kind man, but this...

Jean Valjean: A kind? A kind man? When I was in prison I was as ignorant and mean and devious as these men here, but not kind. And I wish I could keep my mouth shut and let this poor wretch suffer for me, but... continue with your investigation, monsieur, you will find further proof that I am Valjean.

Lila Loomis: What about his victims? I have a petition here signed by 743 people against Norman Bates' release, including the relatives of the seven people he murdered.

Judge: Madam, please sit down. This matter is being represented by the district attorney.

Lila Loomis: Don't you realize they're going to release a homicidal maniac.

Judge: Sit down, Mrs. Loomis.

Lila Loomis: Why bother? It's all too obvious. Our courts are protecting criminals not their victims.

Judge: Does the state council offering any contradictory psychiatric testimony?

Dr. Raymond: Yes, Your Honor.

[first lines]

Norman Bates: [voice-over] Mother, oh God, Mother. Blood! Blood!

Judge: The basis of the staff report Norman Bates is judged returned to sanity and is ordered released at will.

Judge: Mrs. Loomis, I asked you to sit down or I'll have the bailiff remove you from this courtroom.

Judge: I think we should place your child under observation in a special home.

Gilberte Doinel: Could it be by the sea, Your Honor?

Judge: Our society tells us that they're criminals, hoodlums, animals. What I see everyday are confused children trying to find their way through a harsh and unforgiving world.

Daniel Ciello: [Danny is in court for the arraignment of some drug dealers he arrested] Maria, you want to stand up there please? Thank you. Your honor this young lady here has got nothing on under her fur coat. I'm sure the court wouldn't want her to catch cold.

Judge: Certainly not, Detective Ciello. Could be grounds for an appeal.

Judge: Before we go any farther, I urge you once again to speak... if there is anything you could say in your own defense.

James Wilson: Maybe I shouldn't say this your honor but I accuse my parents.

Judge: If you're convinced that the story of the Defense represents the facts of the case, it is your duty to discharge the accused. I should like to remind you that truth is often stranger than fiction. If on the other hand you're convinced that the evidence is in deed, fiction, then I must tell you in the words of the Counsel of the Prosecution, that neither youth nor beauty nor provocation can be held to mitigate the crime of murder. Go and consider the facts for yourselves.

Lawyer: Between the age of 11 and your present age, 16, how many fire arms have you had?

Chris Craig: Forty or fifty.

[jury react]

Chris Craig: I, uh, used to swap them with friends at school.

Judge: Why did you swap them?

Chris Craig: Because I liked them.

Lawyer: Did having them make you feel like one of the gangsters in the films?

Chris Craig: Yes, sir.

[smirks]

Lawyer: And how often did you carry them around with you?

Chris Craig: Every day.

Judge: Forty or fifty do you mean?

Chris Craig: Well I didn't carry them all at the same time, sir.

[first lines]

Judge: Will the defendant and her counsel please rise... Mr. Foreman, have you come to a unanimous verdict?

Foreman: We have your honor.

Judge: On the charge of first degree murder of Harry Berge, how do you find the defendant?

Judge: This is a serious development. Where is the Chinese boy?

Judge: [to the sheriff and prosecutor] You're too suspicious.

Lattimore, Prosecuting Attorney: We've a right to be suspicious. Our share keeps getting smaller and smaller; first thing you know they'll deal us out completely.

Judge: How can they? We'll be re-elected next month for two more years. They know which side their bread's buttered on.

Lattimore, Prosecuting Attorney: You think we can get away with this for two more years? Our collusion with the Reno Brothers is one of the worst kept secrets in history. Collusion, conspiracy, malfeasance. Ugly words, your honor, but true. We've got to be realistic.

Judge: [to Bill Saunders] ... furthermore, although these appear to be first offenses, in view of the brutal nature of the assault, I have no alternative but to direct that you receive eighteen lashes of the cat-o'-nine-tails.

Judge: It is the judgment of this court that you are hereby sentenced to the punishment of death to be executed upon you at Sing Sing Prison during the week of December 9th.

Steve McBirney: [Sarcastically] December 9th? Thanks, Judge. I won't have to do any Christmas shopping.

Judge: This court places you on probation until you reach the age of twenty one, on condition however that you place yourselves in custody and under the control of the State Youth Authority.

Court Official: Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! My Lords, the King's Justices do strictly charge and abound all persons to keep silence whilst sentence of death is passing on the prisoner at the bar, upon pain of imprisonment. God save the King!

Judge: Herbert Edward Logan, a jury of your countrymen have found you guilty of murder. The sentence of the Court is that you be taken from this place to a lawful prison and thence to a place of execution and that you be there hanged by the neck until you be dead. And that your body be afterwards buried within the precincts of the prison in which you were last confined, before your execution. And may the Lord have mercy upon your soul.

Bailiff: [very quickly] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Harmon: ...What?

Bailiff: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Judge: Well do you?

Harmon: No!

Judge: What?

Harmon: I can't understand a word he's saying!

Judge: He's asking if you'll swear...

Harmon: No, but I know all the words.

Judge: Mr. Harmon, are you hard of hearing?

Harmon: Were you speaking to me?

Judge: YES! ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING?

Harmon: No, are you?

Judge: [to his enemies who are hiding during a shootout] I'm the Judge! Come out!

Judge: What a way to kill someone.

Cutter: They're magicians, your honor. Men who live by dressing up plain and simple truths to shock, to amaze.

Judge: Even without an audience?

Cutter: There was an audience. You see, this water tank was of particular significance to these two men. Particularly dreadful significance.

Judge: How large do you think this tank was?

Cutter: Eh... 400, 500 gallons, maybe.

Judge: And how do you think he was able to move ta tank of this size?

Cutter: He's the magician. Why don't you ask him?

Prosecutor Percy: Why did you go with Idgie Threadgoode?

Judge: Answer the question Mrs. Bennett.

Ruth: Because she... she's the best friend I ever had, and I love her.

Judge: Percy, it don't look like you got a case at all. In the first place, there's no body. Second, we got us a preacher nobody's gonna dispute...

Prosecutor Percy: But Your Honor...

Judge: I'm tellin' you, What you got is a whole lotta nothing. I say Frank Bennett got himself drunk, drove into the river and was long ago eaten up and I don't give a good goddamn! What we got us here is a case of accidental death. Case dismissed!

Judge: This is just a dirty little village in the middle of nowhere. Nothing that happens here is really important.

Young Ilana Mather: [Testifying in court] Each of the guards would choose a certain number of women. Hanna Schmitz chose differently.

Judge: In what way differently?

Young Ilana Mather: She had favourites. Girls, mostly young. We all remarked on it, she gave them food and places to sleep. In the evening, she asked them to join her. We all thought - well, you can imagine what we thought. Then we found out - she was making these women read aloud to her. They were reading to her. At first we thought this guard... this guard is more sensitive... she's more human... she's kinder. Often she chose the weak, the sick, she picked them out, she seemed to be protecting them almost. But then she dispatched them. Is that kinder?

Simin: Your daughter's future isn't important to you?

Judge: There are a lot of children who live in this country. You say none of them have a future?

Simin: I prefer my child doesn't grow up in this situation. I have the right as a mother.

Judge: Which situation?

[Simin doesn't reply to him... ]

Judge: You trained him. Picked him up off the street. The son you never had. Embarrassing, no?

Judge: Shit happens.

Pearly Soames: Lucifer! I need to stop this one, Now!

Judge: [angrily] Now? You have no idea what "now" is. Now, I was flying. Now, I breathed fire and I ate them as they fled. Now, I whipped my tail and the winds trembled. Now, I am hidden in this pale shade of flesh and bone. Now, I am witness to man's eternal salvation, now I am witness to his demise. Do NOT speak to me of time, demon! It's simplest ebbs and turns elude your meager understanding! Find another way, *NOW*!

Judge: Listen man, you had the deceased in your care. The court would like to hear the medical facts.

Dr. Richardson: If... if you'd, um... if you were to ask me again to write... um... the conclusion, then... instead of writing "neurotic" or, um, "psychotic" uh, I might... just, um... use a word like... "good".

Judge: Good?

Dr. Richardson: Yes.

Judge: You wish the records of this court to state that, in your medical opinion, the deceased was suffering from being good?

Judge: Perhaps this was the psychological defect that led her to her death!

Judge: Is that what we shall write Doctor Richardson?

Dr. Richardson: [pause] No. Of course not.

[first lines]

[Title card]: Miami, Florida, Three-Twenty P.M., April the Twenty-Fourth, Nineteen Hundred and Forty-Six...

[reporters and photographers converse amongst themselves outside the courtroom]

Judge: Is there any legal reason why sentence should not be pronounced?

District Attorney: No, your honor.

John Huberman: Yes, I have something to say. You can put me away, but you can't put away what's going to happen to you, and to this whole country next time. Next time we are going...

Defense Counsel: [whispering] I wouldn't say any more. We'll need that for the appeal.

Judge: This is your second failed attempt to run a bar.

Hilly Kristal: A club.

Judge: Divorced and two bankruptcies. Perhaps you should try something else.

Judge: In all the years I've been sitting on this bench I heard a lots of things that give me grave doubts about the human race. This ain't one of them.

Judge: [Judge firmly addressing two unseen attorneys] I'll give you an opportunity to better prepare your facts.

Man: [Hands Judge some papers] Adoption proceedings, the Adams case.

Judge: What?

Man: The Adams case.

Judge: [Looks disturbed] Oh yes, yes. Uh...

[turns back to attorneys]

Judge: if either one or both of you gentlemen conduct yourselves like you've been doing today I'll hold you in contempt, the both of ya!

Judge: [Walks into chambers, sees Roger, Miss Oliver, and the baby all seated. Sits at desk] Uh, oh this is the child in question. Ahem, let me see. Yes, I recall looking over these adoption papers. I see you have no income at present.

[Looks at Roger]

Judge: Is that correct?

Roger Adams: Yes your Honor.

Judge: Now what is this Miss Oliver? You know this case should never have come before me.

Miss Oliver: Well your Honor I feel that this is a special case. I kept hoping until the last minute Mr. Adams might be able to resume the operation of his paper or get a job. But unfortunately he hasn't been able to do either, so i thought...

Judge: Under these conditions I can't grant the adoption. This child will have to revert to the orphanage.

[Gestures to Roger]

Judge: Will you draw up a chair please while I prepare these release papers for you to sign? Just a matter of routine.

Roger Adams: If you please your Honor, it can't just be a matter of routine for people to have their baby taken away from them. This child is ours Judge...

Judge: [Interrupting] Those are the requirements of the law.

Roger Adams: Yes but you see we've had her since she was six weeks old. It just doesn't seem reasonable to give her back to-to-to strangers.

Judge: Mr. Adams, you're not here to plead your case. You've had the regular opportunity to prove your fitness to provide.

Roger Adams: We are *fit* Judge if you just look at the record.

Judge: Without any income I have no alternative. Didn't you make that clear Miss Oliver?

Miss Oliver: Yes your Honor I did, but I thought...

Judge: [Firmly] I'm sorry but that is the law.

Roger Adams: Look your Honor, she's not like an automobile or an icebox or a piece of furniture or something you buy on time and when you can't give up the payments they take it away from you!

[Baby starts to cry]

Roger Adams: Now sit still and be a good girl. Anyone could give up those kinds of things, but I ask you Judge how can you give up your own child? And she is our child just as much as if she'd been born to us!

[Baby continues crying]

Roger Adams: Now, now, Daddy's not going to go away.

[Baby stops crying and smiles]

Roger Adams: Look Judge, we've had her over a year now. Why we-we walked the floor with her when she had the colic. We've lost nights of sleep worrying every time she cut a tooth. We've gone through everything, everything real parents have with one of their own. Ask Miss Oliver here about the inspections we've had to have. Her-her weight charts, her vaccination certificates, h-her toys, her toothbrush! How many parents could keep one of their own and

[voice cracks]

Roger Adams: go through that? And you sit here and say it's a matter of routine for you to take her away from us.

Miss Oliver: Please! Mr. Adams...

Roger Adams: I'm sorry Judge, but we weren't as fortunate as most people. We would've had one of our own only-only... well you don't know how badly my wife wanted a child. It wasn't so important to me. I-I don't know, I suppose most men are like this but children never meant a great deal to me. Oh I liked them alright I suppose, but well what I'm trying to say is your Honor the first time I saw her... she looked so little and helpless. I didn't know babies were so-so little. And then she took a-hold of my finger and I held onto it. She-she just sort of walked into my heart Judge

[begins to cry]

Roger Adams: and-and she was there to stay. I didn't know I could feel like that! I'd always been well, kind of careless and irresponsible. I wanted to be a big shot. And I couldn't work for anybody, I had to be my own boss, that sort of thing. Now here I am standing in front of a judge pleading for just a little longer so that I can prove to you I can support a little child that doesn't weigh quite twenty pounds. It's not only for my wife and me I'm asking you to let us keep her Judge, it's for her sake too. She doesn't know any parents but us.

[starts sobbing]

Roger Adams: She wouldn't know what'd happened to her. You see there's so many little things about her that nobody would understand her the way Judy and I do. We love her Judge, please don't take her away from us. Look, I'm not a big shot now, I-I'll do anything, I'll work for anybody.

[Starts to break down]

Roger Adams: I-I'll beg, I'll borrow, I-I'll... please Judge I'll sell anything I've got until I get going again. And she'll never go hungry, she'll never be without clothes not so long as I've got two good hands so help me!

[Camera fades out as Judge, Roger, and Miss Oliver all ponder what has just been said]

Judge: [during sentencing] Robert Marmaduke Hightower...

Perley 'Buck' Sweet: Marmaduke? Haw, haw...

Robert Marmaduke Sangster Hightower: Perley!

[crowd laughs]

Judge: Today the media plays up all cases, and they and the public pass their verdict even before the courts do. In all this the real victims are often forgotten, which in this case are Mr. and Mrs. Walia's now orphaned children. Any punishment given to Ranbeer Talwar will be of no help to these innocent children. To safeguard their interest, this court proposed to deliver an unprecedented judgment: Mr. Ranbeer Talwar, this court orders that, from this day onwards till the youngest Walia child is eighteen years of age, these children will stay in your house. You will personally take complete care of them. You shall not send them to a boarding school, nor shall you go out of town without them. I will check on them after three months, and if I find any violation, or that the children are ill-treated or unhappy with you, I shall sentence you to twenty years imprisonment without bail.

[court proceedings have been interrupted by a cell phone call from Malaika's astrologer]

Judge: Let us know what your astrologer said.

Malaika: "Ranbeer will be let off!" Isn't Sunita just the best? I do nothing without her advice. She's just too good.

Judge: Did Sunita also tell you you'll be thrown out of my court and your cell phone will be confiscated?

Malaika: That she didn't.

Malaika: [as court officers usher her out] Leave me alone. Don't touch me with your dirty hands. How rude.

Judge: [to Polly Sickles] You're sneezing under oath. An untrue sneeze could find you guilty of perjury.

Judge: [Till Harald] Ja, jag måste då säga att det var ett sabla sätt att ta servisen. Men å andra var det ett något mindre sabla sätt att lämna tillbaks den.

Judge: I pity you not MY doom, but GOD'S!

Mr. Booth, the Lawyer: [at the Montelli trial] ... Your Honor, it is my intention to prove that Sonny Montelli is a victim of demonic possession - that is, possession by the Devil - and therefore innocent of the charges placed against him.

Judge: Mr. Booth, I admire your originality. If I accept your plea, regardless of verdict, every courtroom in this country would be inundated with pleas of demonic possession. Nobody would be guilty of anything anymore. Quite literally, "The Devil made me do it." You have three days to submit another plea, Mr. Booth.

Judge: Young lady, do you realize that you're guilty of contempt of court?

Betsy Brown: I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Judge, but it just made me mad to hear Miss Wendling say those things about my friends. They're not true. They're wonderful actors, just wonderful!

Judge: This young lady doesn't seem to agree with you, Miss Wendling.

Betsy Brown: That's because she never saw them act, did you, Miss Wendling? And if you saw them act, Mr. Judge, if you saw Jimmy and his Jazz Bandits and everyone, you'd think they were wonderful, too!

Perry: Your honor, if it pleases the court...

Judge: Just a minute. I believe this court could be saved a lot of time and argument by following the splendid suggestion that has just been made. It seems the immediate issue in this case is whether the plaintiff's wish to invest his money in a theatrical production is a sound one. I want to see the show right here in this courtroom tomorrow!

Judge: [to Alice and Joe] In the state of New York I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Judge: Jed Colby, you have been found guilty. But on account of peculiar circumstances and feelings in the community, the court has decided not to have a hanging. But you'll have to go to the State Penitentiary for 15 years for the murder of Judd Spelvin.

Jed Colby: Murder? Why, it was feudin', pure and simple!

Judge: And in conclusion, Kitty Lane, it is the duty of this court to protect and help such as you. I therefore commit you to the State Home for the Regeneration of Females for a period of 90 days. I earnestly hope that while there, you will learn the error of your ways.

Judge: I'm not one of those that believes that a woman's place is in the home, necessarily. However, I am very firm in my conviction that a woman's place is most definitely not in other people's homes, emptying them of their contents.

[At Albert Lory's murder trial, the Prosecutor produces a "suicide note," proving that George Lambert killed himself. But Lory will not have it]

Albert Lory: The letter's forged, Your Honor. Major Von Keller told me last night... The prosecutor wrote that letter himself. I think he's trying to save my life.

[laughter ripples through the courtroom]

Prosecutor: This is no laughing matter! Your Honor, for the sake of the dignity of this court, I respectfully ask that the man who started that unseemly outburst be forcibly removed from the room!

Judge: The court agrees with you, Mr. Prosecutor! Which of you started that laughter? Please stand up.

[Silence. No one in the courtroom stands up]

Judge: I ask you again, who started that laughter?

Albert Lory: Excuse me, Your Honor. I don't know, but I think I can guess. Perhaps it was the Unknown Soldier.

Judge: Do you know it's against the law to hunt on Reservation land?

Joe Kidd: Well the deer didn't know where he was, and I wasn't sure either.

Judge: Now this is going to be a fair trial... conducted legally. A boy's life hangs in the balance.

Irate Townsman at Trial: That's about the only place he'll hang!